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Author Topic: MLC Monster Stayed's H letter

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MLC Monster Stayed's H letter
OP: October 24, 2010, 01:51:09 PM
Hi All this is an email that Stayeds H sent to another forum member on the Infedelity site, she has said I could post it here as I think it may help give an insight into the mind of a MLC'r. I wasnt sure which symbol to use so i put the heart, I;m sure OP or RCR will change if it is not approriate.

My H read it and said it was just how he felt....I hope it Helps

Hi ,  (Stayeds husband) here. Stayed asked me to write to you about your present situation. Before I do, however, I need to say a couple of things:

1. I don't know your H, your relationship or anything about his present situation.
2. The fact that things turned around for Stayed and I may not be "the normal way these things turn out".
3. The feelings and experiences that I had may not be the same as those your H  is experiencing.

That said:

I have loved Stayed my whole life. The things we have been through together and the obstacles that we have overcome with our marriage, our children, financial problems, work related issues and so on amaze me. We really were, and I believe we are again, a single team. I never doubted her absolute support and willingness to work and fight with me to get where we needed to be and she felt the same way about me. I'm not sure that everyone's relationship is so intense or all consuming so the starting points may be different.

In spite of all this I went through this period of madness in my life that really had little to do with Stayed. I was very unhappy and unsatisfied with my life. I think that at some point you realize that "this is my life" and maybe you aren't "where you thought you would be" or what you would be and somehow it is all very disheartening. You've had your shot and there really isn't much you can do to change your "lot in life". Maybe an affair is in some way a dramatic way of "taking action" of "doing something" or refusing to accept the status quo. You really don't have to accept "your reality" you can change things and plot a new course. All of this of course sounds very fascinating to a middle aged (or older) guy who is feeling somewhat disappointed in (sorry for) himself and thinks that "there should be more" to life. It defies rationale explanation but the allure of the fantasy (not the other woman the "new life") is so overpowering that even though you know it is nonsense you still carry on.
 
So you live your fantasy and you choose not to think about all the pain and damage that you are causing. There is an emotional train wreck happening all around you but you do a couple of things that let you "deal with it". You tell yourself that this happens all the time and therefore it is normal. People change and their needs change. I'm just moving on in pursuit of my new needs to take full advantage of what is left of my life. It would be unthinkable not to do everything possible to "be happy". That's the whole point of being alive isn't it? I didn't intend to cause any pain and suffering so the sooner we get through this part the better. People die, bad things happen in life and eventually we all get through it and learn to live with it. It's painful now but that won't last indefinitely. Eventually everyone will realize that this was "for the best".
 
There are lots of times though that you see the illusion for what it really is. It is hard to deal with so you block it by doing "all kinds of fun things". Keep yourself busy, go places, do things: eat in nice restaurants, go dancing, see movies, keep your mind busy. As long as there are bright lights and distractions you won't dwell on your own stupidity. When you get tired and your mind starts to wander you suppress it. I took anti depressants and sleeping pills so that I could just turn off and get some sleep instead of thinking about the whole situation. The sleeping pills worked great but I actually got annoyed because the anti depressants didn't make me feel good about the whole situation...what the hell was I paying for anyway?
 
You seek assurances from friends and family because you are "too close to the situation" to see it clearly. If they don't outright tell you that you are being an absolute a$$hole you assume that their neutral or supportive comments like "no matter what you do you will still be my...(friend, brother, whatever) are more positive than they are. You hear what you want to hear and if they say something you don't like you ignore it and go somewhere else for re-assurance.
 
The second aspect of the whole thing is that it doesn't seem real. You don't feel the full impact of anything you do. You feel like you are living an adventure. I tell Stayed  that it often felt like I was watching myself in a movie. The more I think about it the more this seems to apply. The fact is that when you are watching a movie, you know it is going to end, you also know that it isn't real. Unfortunately, unlike a movie where none of it is real, the situation you have created may not be real for you but it is absolutely real for everyone else. There is a part of you that knows you are not going to stay on the ride forever (or in the movie) and that when it is over you will come back to reality, you just don't want that to happen "right now'. So the bull$h!te drags on and on and the pain continues for everyone who isn't in the movie and for you when you have those moments that you realize that it isn't a movie either. Then you take your pills, drink and find "fun things" to do to drown out the painful thoughts.
 
 
The third thing is that you have an anchor in reality. It is like knowing that if things get a little too weird in a dream you can always tell yourself it is just a dream (even while dreaming) and if it gets real bad you can actually make yourself wake up. It doesn't matter how far you lean out the window, you can always pull yourself back in. Knowing that Stayed was worried about me (it's not me, I'm sick) and knowing that she wanted desperately to have me back made the melodrama of the movie even more intoxicating but more importantly it reassured me that I had an out. I knew that she would be there for me regardless of what sort of an idiot I was being because our love could transcend any stupidity.
 
So what does all this mean?
 
 
I'm not sure because people and relationships are different. I promised Stayed things several times and then let her down totally. When I made those promises I meant them but the other life was just so addictive that I fell right back into the illusion (movie or dream, take your pick). At some point, however, I realized that I was in danger of actually losing Stayed and that if that happened my life would be empty. No anchor, no way back, no reality, just a movie. I actually added this to my screenplay. Sure, she might say we were through but a couple of years from now when I came to my senses it would be so romantic getting back together...what the hell was I thinking. That's when I woke up.
 
So, I can't be sure and I would hate to offer advice (let's face it we know I'm an idiot) but if your h  is having a similar experience to the one I had, then "chasing" him just reassures him that his anchor is still holding. It also adds to the drama of the movie. On the other hand, if you just let go he might be completely consumed by the illusion. There are numerous real movies that have used this theme; you see them all the time. They always rely on the gimmick that if you believe in something hard enough or if you love someone strong enough that you can bring them back from the brink and save them (even Darth Vader turned out to be salvageable in the end, realizing his mistake before he died). Sorry, they are just movies. Real people need to be shaken up and someone has to turn on the lights in the theatre.
 
So, if you stop chasing and checking up and worrying you might actually lose him. Would that be any worse than the suffering you are experiencing right now? How much longer do you want to hurt, be angry and confused? On the other hand, you thought he was your life partner and you feel that you are abandoning him if you don't try to "help him through this". It is a horrible situation to be in.
 
So, my suggestion would be to stop chasing and checking and reassuring him that the anchor is still holding solid. Quit making the movie more dramatic and exciting.  Tell him:
 
That you want to work on the marriage, that you can forgive him and take him back but starting today your life is about you and not about his movie. You can't be sure where this decision will lead you but you need more than hopes and dreams that things will be the way they were.  You are very sad and you feel very sorry for him and hope that he will be OK but you have had enough and you can't let this situation ruin two lives. If he comes to his senses and wants to be with you then you hope that happens before your life takes a new direction and the door closes. You are not going to live in the past and you are prepared to move on without him.
 
Then live your life as if he may not come back. Believe it, don't play it: he may not come back. If he doesn't then how will that be any worse than what you are living now? On the other hand, if he feels the danger like I did, he may be smacked back into reality.  Depending on when that happens and where you are with your life you can make a decision at that time as to what you want to do. 
 
 
J
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« Last Edit: October 22, 2011, 10:34:41 PM by WarriorPriestess »
Me 57
H 47
BD 1 March 09
BD 2 disc OW Aug 09
H moved out to his own place April 10
Moved home and gave up cave Nov11
H has been home almost 4 years and our relationship is now better than before MLC :)

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Re: Stayed's H letter
#1: October 24, 2010, 02:32:06 PM
Thank you for sharing this....it helps to understand what the heck is going on in the MLCer's mind. I wish you both love and enjoyment in life...you are very courageous to speak so frankly. I'd love to send this to my H but know that would not be good...best advice is what you have said...do not pursue  and live my life as only I can live it!
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"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

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Re: Stayed's H letter
#2: October 24, 2010, 02:50:56 PM
this offers some great insight! thanks!
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2 years since he left... divorce was filed a year ago, nothing going on right now. Seems like he and OW are done...will take some more time! Seems comfortable being around me and the girls. Relaxed without her, but does not want me...or anyone else...all that matters are his daughters...

Devoted wife and mother.

j
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Re: Stayed's H letter
#3: October 24, 2010, 04:32:37 PM
I too appreciate the insight of Stayed H's letter.  I have often wondered if my H is aware of the pain and damage he has caused.  Since he has always avoided difficult situations I can imagine that he is finding other ways to not think about everything.  I have very limited contact with him.  Mostly he talks about himself and might fit in to ask about his daughters.  We have had some pretty bad weather (lots of wind and thunderstorms) over the last 2 weeks and it irks me that he doesn't even call to see if we are okay.  I know that I can't control his behavior but after reading Stayed's letter it make alot of sense.  Maybe he does care but is just trying to not think about it.
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Re: Stayed's H letter
#4: October 24, 2010, 05:49:44 PM
Thankyou for sharing!
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Re: Stayed's H letter
#5: October 24, 2010, 06:36:48 PM
To stayed h, what powerful insight as well as acceptance for the entire situation. You are not an idiot, you just acted like one. Also, your words show the need to detach and not pursue. I have mixed feeling because my w knows that I am here for her, but I also let her know that I do not accept her EA. I really think it is harder to detach from the spouse if they are at home and there are children to deal with. It confuses my children when I or my wife ignore each other. I am cordial with her and I treat her with respect.

You also state it is like being in a movie. My w watches romance movies and I think she really sees the r with OM as a fantasy that they both share. I think she sees the entire relationship as a movie as well. That is why she prints and keeps all the emails and chats. It is their script.

I am glad I read the letter. It gives insight and lets me know that when she leaves, I need to detach and use the time she is away to work on me. Sometimes I feel as if she is trying to reach out to me. I don't know. The one thing that has really developed in my soul is I no longer fall for her guilt trips. She can spew and I still sleep well.

Thanks for this letter. It was well written and honest. It took a lot of courage to write and then have it posted on this site. I pray to God that posting this letter may save one marriage, allow a spouse to stand, or continue to stand. Have a great night.
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Re: Stayed's H letter
#6: October 25, 2010, 08:50:06 AM
Just thought i would bump this up in case anyone missed it and say congrats Stayed on the new arrival :) glad they are both doing well :)
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Me 57
H 47
BD 1 March 09
BD 2 disc OW Aug 09
H moved out to his own place April 10
Moved home and gave up cave Nov11
H has been home almost 4 years and our relationship is now better than before MLC :)

S
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Re: Stayed's H letter
#7: October 25, 2010, 09:27:17 AM
Yes, thanks for sharing this letter. We have access to very little insight of the MLC mind. Any tidbits are more than welcome.

Congratulations on the new arrival, Stayed!
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M 22 years
T  23 years
3 Kids
Crisis began 4/08
Divorced 2/13

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Re: Stayed's H letter
#8: October 25, 2010, 05:39:14 PM
What a valuable insight. Thanks Stayed's H. Rightly or wrongly I can fit traces of your feelings to my own wife's behavior too. At the moment it doesn't feel like she has any concern or need for an anchor. Her mind is made up about her future.

The truth is in my relationship, after almost 18 months of this strangeness and uncertainty, I'm beginning to forget what life was like before 'the bomb'. I know that when I look at the photos on my shelf of my wife - my friend, I can understand that the person in her body now is not a friend.

Stayed's H didn't talk much about projecting blame and negativity to his wife. Did that happen in his case, or did he just quickly leave in pursuit of his adventure? It's one thing to dream of a better life and to leave and chase it. I think that could almost be explained ... like it is explained above. But why does it have to be done in such a damaging way? I'll have to reread the articles to consider how this ties in.

For me in my relationship, the blame and the negativity has been one of the toughest parts of the crisis. I would absolutely hate to have hurt my wife emotionally as she says I did - though I'm sure I have at times - and that's what is destroying me - thinking that somehow, my own words or actions or habits have turned her into this person. She seems certain that I'm to blame, and I guess because I'm so quick to accept blame that it is easy for her to heap it on.

Somehow this past weekend I realized that I'm not a terrible person. I'm dependable, I'm fit, smart, friendly, I'm good at what I do - I'm good with my kids, I help my community. I was exciting enough to move countries twice. But I was so jaded by this that I thought that I was mean and boring.

And now it is actually a relief that she is going, because I don't really want to see her or hear her like this anymore, and I'm fast running out of hope that she'll ever change.

RcR told me not to take it personally - but it has been so damned personal. Stayed's H wrote:

Quote
I went through this period of madness in my life that really had little to do with Stayed

My question is ... did it appear that way at the time?

Thanks so much Stayed's H.

holdingon




 
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« Last Edit: October 25, 2010, 06:05:56 PM by holdingon »

H
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Re: Stayed's H letter
#9: October 25, 2010, 10:20:45 PM
I see a great deal of what my husband was within this letter.  It brought back some memories of a few things he said that brought him back to me in the end.

I remember him saying that when I changed my attitude toward him; he felt he needed to get his crap together or he would truly lose me, and he didn't want that.

I had to LEAVE HIM BEHIND, folks, before he would even think about catching up with me...my moving forward was the catalyst that brought him back.

That's why I always tell you folks to let go, let God; you don't see what's on the inside of a typical MLC'er; but GOD does.

Letting go is one of the healthiest things you and the biggest favor you can do your MLC'er.  They may NOT come back, but once you do the work that is necessary within YOU, it won't matter.  Your marriage, instead of being a means to an end, becomes a BONUS instead.

The changes you make within and the strengthening of your relationship with the Lord, if you're a servant, are really what matters in the greater scheme of things; NOT your MLC spouse.

I know, I've been there, done that worn that T-Shirt.

I've done ALL the destructive behaviors in the beginning; I LEARNED to let go and let God.  This doesn't come natural to anyone to do this opposite of what you'd normally do.

This letter contains very sage advice..and the important is to LET GO of your MLC spouse; and leave them behind as you move forward within the crisis....making changes that will last a lifetime, if you'll hold on to them.

It was the best move I ever made within his crisis.....forward, onward, and upward. :)

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Our marriage survived His MLC, with the help of the Lord.
I have learned that true strength is built through the trials we endure.
There is hope as long as you love your MLC spouse, and, are willing to learn the  life's lessons that are set before you as a result of this crisis.

 

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