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31
Our Community / His MLC and my journey
« Latest by KellBell on March 26, 2024, 07:18:04 AM »
Evermore- I'm not sure how to get my profile changed to pink or purple. I think it's an admin thing.

Why- goodness Thank you! I think about you and your family often. I wish you all the happiness regardless of her.
32
Our Community / Is my husband having a MLC?
« Latest by Reinventing on March 26, 2024, 03:27:38 AM »
I second Treasur's advice.
33
Our Community / Is my husband having a MLC?
« Latest by Treasur on March 26, 2024, 12:19:08 AM »
I want to nip in and just say something about you having filed. As you say, it’s done but it may be worth talking to your lawyer about suggestions for any ways that you can reduce the bill if your h turns out to be unreasonable in his responses. Lawyers call it a ‘high conflict’ divorce (basicallly dealing with one party who behaves a bit bonkers, ignores paperwork, doesn’t provide info etc etc….) and it’s not unknown here with MLC types. My xh filed and then slowed down his own divorce by some rather bonkers behaviour. It makes no sense, I know, but that MLC combo of teenage entitlement and avoidance seems to take some down that path which of course makes things even harder than they need to be from your pov.

But sometimes money is worth the price too….
Lots of folks here who did not file got financially screwed or had custody problems bc MLCers tend to get more unreasonable rather than less after a year or so post BD. Makes no sense either, I know, given that they have apparently got the new magic happy they want, right? But ow and feeding your magic happy fixes can get expensive and as unwelcome real life consequences start to show up, some get much angrier and much more entitled. Like rats in a sack.

Which brings me to the issue of your kids. By filing when you did, you have established the precedence that you have primary custody bc he left and that you have a system in place and you stayed in the marital home. You are the safe and stable main parent. That’s important. And I’d imagine that custody of your kids is worth the money.

Given that he has already made some false accusations regarding them, I think you need to be on your guard. So, no, do not tell him you need help or are struggling in any way….tell your family or friends or us or an IC or even your lawyer….shout at a tree even…but do not show him anything he could use against you. You might imagine he wouldn’t, I know, but then you didn’t imagine he’d do any of this either, did you? Watch his feet not his mouth imho. And remind yourself that you are also dealing with ow’s agenda, whatever it is, bc at this stage they can have a lot of influence on your h’s opinions. Whereas you have virtually none. Say very little to him beyond ‘fine’ and ‘talk to my lawyer’. Like the old penguin meme, wave and smile, and keep walking. Wave and smile. Whatever he was before, currently he is not your friend or partner so don’t be tempted to default to treating him as such at the moment.

Any hints of threats from him or if you feel unsafe at any time, do not doubt your own gut instinct….bc these folks can get very angry indeed when things seem not to be going as they want….do whatever you need to do to keep you and your kids safe. I hope you won’t need to and only a few MLCers get violent or threatening - although most are pretty abusive verbally or emotionally, sadly - but some do, and being an LBS sometimes means being open minded to things that were previously unimaginable. So, for instance, when he comes to get stuff from the shop, (and I’m assuming this is preagreed legally and documented?) I’d arrange for someone else to be there with you if for no other reason than being witnessed tends to constrain how unpleasant people can get. And it might make you feel a little less anxious too.  :)

I would talk to your lawyer now about the pros and cons of relocating if that is a possibility you and your family might like. Yes, it will make visitation difficult for him….but then he is the one who has taken actions that make the old life unsustainable…and he has already shown that he and ow are capable of relocating from one side of the country to another seemingly more easily than you. CA may not be possible, but imho it’s worth asking your lawyer about it rather than assuming it’s a no go just bc your h won’t like it. Or indeed if being forced to stay in your current state bc your h won’t agree gives you some kind of special hardship argument that might benefit you financially. Everything is negotiable, even if MLCers don’t want to negotiate lol. No one wins in a divorce really, at least not in the short term; it’s usually more a case of how people value apples compared to pears, isn’t it?

So overall, I’m going to suggest you hold your nerve, say very little about anything important if/when you see your h, document everything and talk to your lawyer about  the various options you might have. Leave your h to contemplate his self entitled MLC navel and the colour of his beard while you focus on the more important things for you, your kids and your own family.

I am so very sorry that you are where you are, and having to deal with what you are dealing with. There is nothing fair or reasonable about it. And no, it really isn’t your fault bc you were stressed by the new business….the business your h chose to set up, remember, borrowed money from your brother for and then ran away from too. And he did so while you were pregnant which is a truly awful thing to do to one’s family imho. Are you perfect? Probably not, none of us are  :) But your h had a range of options for dealing with a difficult taxing time in life….you chose to keep going; he chose to blow stuff up and run away. That’s on him, not you. It says much more about him and very little about you or your kids.

This time is hard, we know, hard beyond words. You are in the trenches on multiple fronts and probably feel quite overwhelmed most of the time. Yet look at how strong and smart and sane and practical you have been in most of your responses, even so early in. Remarkable. And what I can honestly promise you is that this time in the trenches will not last forever and that there is a good life for you and your kids waiting on the other side of it, even if it is different than you planned and regardless of what your h does. Not easy, not quick, but it will come in small steps and it is worth plodding towards step by step even on your worst days. Xxx
34
Our Community / Is my husband having a MLC?
« Latest by formalgiraffe on March 25, 2024, 09:12:04 PM »
Thank you for the encouragement and kind words! This has definitely been an interesting journey and being we're only 7 months in, it's just the beginning. It has affected my whole family since he doesn't really have a lot of family and my whole family basically adopted him.

Really, this house is the only thing that would keep me in this state. All of us would love to go back to our home state. We are currently in SC and are from CA so of course that would be very challenging for setting up visitation for the children :( I feel he would definitely fight it. I would have to prove that us moving is more beneficial than staying here. It's going to be hard to find another property here that also have room for my parents (who help me out SO MUCH since he left) and that has the land I need for my business (dog training, boarding, breeding). Having to start from the ground up again and especially without his help, sounds quite depressing BUT I will do what I need to do for my kids. At least in CA I have tons of friends & family that would help me out. There will lots of challenges if we stay here but besides my parents I do have 2 brothers here and some of one of my brothers in-laws we are close with. I'm sure they can help me rebuild here. Not sure where I would end up though since I'd have to look all over the state for the right place.

So, yeah, he's REALLY going to throw my life for a loop...oh and all this with a baby lol. Sometimes I feel like it's a bad dream.

How do you and your parents feel about staying in the same state? And what does your lawyer say about your rights and legal constraints on moving?
Do you have a better place in mind that would work for you? (Not sure if the move was bc of a better job for him, for you, or moving closer to your family or something else?)
Or what you needs and constraints are about your own work life? Or your parents’ needs or financial involvement?

If you envisaged the kind of life and place that would suit you and your kids best for the next few years, and that you think you could run independently as a solo parent, what do you think that might look like? I guess it might be a bit different in some ways, but different does not always mean bad. And again jmo, but when someone else’s actions that we can’t control upend our lives, there can be a great comfort in feeling that we regain some control over our choices. But of course the devil is in the detail, isn’t it?
35
Our Community / Is my husband having a MLC?
« Latest by formalgiraffe on March 25, 2024, 08:42:48 PM »
Thank you. I did all my homework besides reading the emotional blackmail book but I definitely get the gist of it. All of it makes sense, especially the depression and trying to find a new identity part. I know I was putting a lot of pressure on him in regard to that new business he started. I was on his case because I was stressed too. IDK but I feel like I definitely played some type of part in this.
When I saw him last weekend I noticed he dyed his beard?! It looked really weird and 100% something he would never do previously lol.

I feel like now that I know all this info I wish I didn't file for divorce so soon. The monthly attorney bills are killing me and we aren't getting anywhere because he's so unreasonable. We now have to pay for a GAL for the kids because he made some false accusations about me and my family. I feel like if I didn't file he probably wouldn't have for a while unless the OW made him and I guess judging by her looking at engagement rings she probably would have sooner than later. I guess what's done is done.

In a way, I feel really bad for him because I know someday he's going to get out of that fog and realize what he's done. He was such a great father to our son when he was a baby, he truly loved raising him and now he's missing out on raising his daughter....he can't get this time back. They are only babies once.

It also feels weird knowing all this information and you just have to sit back and watch them continue to self destruct. Like you want to go scream at them to wake up and explain to them about everything that is going on but you can't, can you? The first 2 weeks that he left I tried to beg him to come home and after he took the trip & officially cheated on me I stopped & just let him go. IDK if that was the right thing to do or not.

He's supposed to come get all his big stuff in the shop this week and it's giving me so much anxiety knowing it's another step closer to him being gone from my life forever. I guess it's just harder to let him go since we have a baby. I am doing this all on my own & I'm tired and miss his help. Is this something I should convey to him or just keep it no contact except about kid stuff? I've never let him in on how much I miss him & our family. I've just been trying to look like I'm doing ok without him and living life, which I have been. I have been trying to detach the best I can but having to see him with our baby is making it so hard.
He is definitely a vanisher, btw.

Does this sound like a MLC?
YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm so sorry this is happening.
Here's what I want you to do: Enroll in Understanding Midlife Crisis. It's free. It's a video series that is--I think--around 2 hours total and it will drip across 3 days. Watch it. You are describing MLC, now I want you to understand what that means.
Next, read The Affair Down articles--just to note, these links may be changing as I'm working to move the articles and the new location doesn't allow _ [underscores] in the urls. I'm not sure if I'll be able to come back to the urls on the forum and edit them or not--14 years to edit may be too much!
Then check out Emotional Blackmail By Susan Forward--this is also to help you understand the Affair Down.
36
Our Community / Yet another love, but not in love.
« Latest by Anoi on March 25, 2024, 04:55:06 PM »
Had a very nice evening with the lady who as me searching for friends! Super cool lady and i hope to see her again soon.
I guess i want to monster and vent a bit about my H, cause as soon as i thought i was making some progress in terms of detachment and went to have a relaxing weekend, my head pulled me back in. Instead of feeling stable and concentrated on myself i spent quite some time having enraged disputes and conversation in my head with my H.
I am civilized and respectful when i am around him, but inside i am so offended, so hurt and i have so much anger towards him... I don't like it, don't like those feelings, they don't add anything positive in my life or in my emotional stability.
As of this moment i am 100% disappointed in him. I mean one thing is to put up with all his BS, when he at least gives back some love and appreciation.
But him saying he has very high standards for him and anyone around him, when he never met even a minimal standards of anyone actually, omg, i mean the EGO!
Yes i fail here and there, make mistakes, stumble, fall, cry, but i am moving forward. He is just sitting on his ass, becoming worse and worse and talking about how he is amazing and his high standards.
I talked with one of his friends and honestly he doesn't give much of care to what is going on with my H. Another friend he hates. I will soon see the 3d friend and i am sure i will learn once more that my H is not the best friend. But he thinks that he is very nice person cause everyone just put up with his BS.
He had a burst of energy for one day after our talk, did some things around the house, but now he is back in front of the monitor, lifeless and useless.
Why do i even care? Why do i live with the person who claims to hate himself, but actually thrives in completely unfounded high self-esteem and just keeps hurting everyone around him?
So many whys and resentment, so few answers...
Just need to vent... just need to wake up in the morning and do one more step forward, after all i am doing good!:)
37
Our Community / New here and needing help
« Latest by Bigfoot on March 25, 2024, 11:12:26 AM »
I liked your use of words in conjuring up the Land of F&^kwittery, Treasur.

I've now got a mental picture of a beautiful technicolor vista, with a sunrise illuminating a golden road leading to a castle. As we jump into a close shot we see that the road is not made of gold - the sun just made it look like that and it's in fact made of dog s&^t. I'm picturing a musical number with our spouses dressed as tin men and lions and what not singing "Follow the Dog S*&t Road" as they trudge through increasingly deep s*&t towards the castle as the sun turns to a storm and the colour drains out of the scene.

We are of course, the wicked wizards and witches - intent on spoiling their party.... and there's flying monkeys (not ours).

Thank you. I needed the laugh.  ;D
38
Our Community / Whiplash from clinging boomerang
« Latest by Happylight on March 25, 2024, 10:30:09 AM »
Journaling...

We went on our weekend ride.  It was interesting for several reasons.  This trip is one that he has taken with his childhood buddies for years.  He used to ride with them before he got involved in MC (motorcycle club which I think has been a big part of replay).  I have never been able to go because our kids were younger and I didn't have anyone that could fill in.  He didn't go on it the last year.  These guys are like family to him.  I thought they knew we were kind of separated.  I never said anything, but I got the feeling that they were not aware.  There were several occasions where it seemed to me that he carefully crafted sentences or made statements to avoid any reference to the fact that he has been living in the RV.  I also observed certain things about his behavior and desire for approval and recognition that I had never noticed before --I think it was there, I just never recognized it as such.  Since he has never taken me on this trip before, he could have easily gone without me this time.  So, I think it was a positive. 

At this point, he has chosen to spend 16 out of 24 nights this month with me, and as been by the house and spent time there pretty much every day of those 24. 

I am also starting to learn more about God's message to me to --"BE STILL."  Originally, I had taken it as not pushing or trying to make something happen, but to learn to wait.  Recently I have realized that sometimes, it means not responding, reacting, or arguing my points.  I have realized that sometimes, when I don't say anything in reaction to unreasonable statements or decisions, he rethinks and will come back with something that makes more sense, but if I argue, it makes him dig his heels in. 

I do believe that he has been a high energy replayer --he engaged in high energy replay activity for well over a year (about 17-18 months).  I think he is still in replay, but it seems to be less high energy.  Does replay "wind down" gradually?  From what I have read, it seems like it is a downhill slope toward depression.  An analogy that I could make, it seems like it can be a swing slowing down--it keeps going but loses altitude over time and will eventually stop. 

39
Our Community / His MLC and my journey
« Latest by WHY on March 25, 2024, 09:14:14 AM »
Kell you’ve made tremendous progress and we are all VERY happy for you. 

Please pop in every 6 months or so and keep the updates coming.   It’s good to know that there are some happy endings and they do actually exist.   

Onward and upward!
40
Our Community / New here and needing help
« Latest by KayDee on March 25, 2024, 06:38:50 AM »
I liked your use of words in conjuring up the Land of F&^kwittery, Treasur.

I've now got a mental picture of a beautiful technicolor vista, with a sunrise illuminating a golden road leading to a castle. As we jump into a close shot we see that the road is not made of gold - the sun just made it look like that and it's in fact made of dog s&^t. I'm picturing a musical number with our spouses dressed as tin men and lions and what not singing "Follow the Dog S*&t Road" as they trudge through increasingly deep s*&t towards the castle as the sun turns to a storm and the colour drains out of the scene.

We are of course, the wicked wizards and witches - intent on spoiling their party.... and there's flying monkeys (not ours).

Well, if I am allowed to be (uncharacteristically) earnest - I would say we are Home. But I did rather like the Wicked Witch of the West - great sense of humour!

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