91
Our Community / One week after papers come through MLC wants to talk
« Latest by UrsaMajor on April 11, 2024, 05:21:21 AM »he just told me that I need to just trust his judgment that she’s a good person..
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92
Our Community / One week after papers come through MLC wants to talk
« Latest by Nas on April 11, 2024, 05:18:48 AM »Oh my goodness Nas, I cannot believe they did that with the dog! Just disgusting behaviour I don’t understand how some People can treat other human beings like this -
It was really hard to hear and I had to take a little time to process my feelings about it, but that’s just my point, they really weren’t treating me bad, or treating me any way at all. I was not a factor. I had nothing to do with it and it really really helped me to remember that: They weren’t doing it TO me. If the story I told myself was that they did what they did with a specific intent to harm me, that would only be me inserting myself into a story that I was not part of. … and prolonging my own pain. And honestly, I don’t want to be part of that story of toxic disorder.
The good thing about time (and I’ve said before that I do not believe that time heals all, but time does give us distance and an opportunity to see more clearly, reevaluate and make changes for ourselves) is that eventually we get to choose to write ourselves out of the dysfunctional story. So eventually, rather than seeing it as them rewriting our lives with someone new, we can write our own version where we understand that even though it seems so incredibly personal, their story is all about them and not about us. At first that hurts because we want to be part of their story. We were supposed to be a major part of their story, we were supposed to be there for the rest of their lives. With detachment comes the opportunity to take ourselves out of the story based in conjecture and fictional answers to all the “why” questions and into the reality of only what is right in front of us. I know that doesn’t sound appealing now, but it will be what helps you heal. It gets extremely exhausting trying to create answers to questions that have no answers, and you deserve peace.
93
Our Community / One week after papers come through MLC wants to talk
« Latest by titleholder on April 11, 2024, 05:01:21 AM »My gosh Hollie.. This is incredibly hard. It's good that you're going to talk to a sollicitor! You're right the fact that she made a move on a married man with a pregnant wife speaks volumes about what kind of character she has. Plus the fact that they both don't take any of your feelings into account says enough. After the destruction of your marriage they go on about their day as if nothing has happenend.
My xH OW is also crazy woman, but luckily the only sense my xH has is that he refuses for her to meet our D and I don't think she wants to. She has a lot of issues and their relationship goes up and down like crazy. So I'm happy that my D doesn't have to witness this. I also find it crazy that you can be in a relationship for 2 years and you don't want to share something as important as your D with that person. But for now I'm just really lucky he doesn't.
I'm two years post BD and I'm at the point where I'm okay with the fact that if he does meet a stable woman I accept that she's going to be in my D's life. I'm just really hoping that this isn't going to be affaire OW..
My xH OW is also crazy woman, but luckily the only sense my xH has is that he refuses for her to meet our D and I don't think she wants to. She has a lot of issues and their relationship goes up and down like crazy. So I'm happy that my D doesn't have to witness this. I also find it crazy that you can be in a relationship for 2 years and you don't want to share something as important as your D with that person. But for now I'm just really lucky he doesn't.
I'm two years post BD and I'm at the point where I'm okay with the fact that if he does meet a stable woman I accept that she's going to be in my D's life. I'm just really hoping that this isn't going to be affaire OW..
94
Our Community / One week after papers come through MLC wants to talk
« Latest by Hollie220423 on April 11, 2024, 03:30:19 AM »Oh my goodness Nas, I cannot believe they did that with the dog! Just disgusting behaviour I don’t understand how some People can treat other human beings like this - but someone did say to me it’s good that I don’t understand because that says more about me and my moral compass I don’t understand because I could never do it to someone.
I have for a solicitor and I will be talking to her about this and the baby in terms of holidays and overnights etc - he just told me that I need to just trust his judgment that she’s a good person.. like I will ever trust a word that falls out of his mouth again the lies and the deception are just insane.
I’m trying to not let it effect my peace it’s just so difficult at times - I mean I have been back to the place spoken about since he left one because it was already booked before he left for my mums 60th and then again on a few day passes but the difference is I’m doing it alone with the kids not with my replacement - who I’m expected to believe is a lovely person and stable etc, is good with my kids etc - who has been more than happy to have a relationship with a married man who was expecting a baby..? And then continue and keep that family apart and deny the baby a chance - (not saying it’s all her) he has chosen this and is fully to blame but she has a accepted it I know if I was 28 and he came along with all this baggage and whatever story he is spinning I would run a mile!
I have for a solicitor and I will be talking to her about this and the baby in terms of holidays and overnights etc - he just told me that I need to just trust his judgment that she’s a good person.. like I will ever trust a word that falls out of his mouth again the lies and the deception are just insane.
I’m trying to not let it effect my peace it’s just so difficult at times - I mean I have been back to the place spoken about since he left one because it was already booked before he left for my mums 60th and then again on a few day passes but the difference is I’m doing it alone with the kids not with my replacement - who I’m expected to believe is a lovely person and stable etc, is good with my kids etc - who has been more than happy to have a relationship with a married man who was expecting a baby..? And then continue and keep that family apart and deny the baby a chance - (not saying it’s all her) he has chosen this and is fully to blame but she has a accepted it I know if I was 28 and he came along with all this baggage and whatever story he is spinning I would run a mile!
95
Our Community / This is getting tiring
« Latest by Lostinthewoods on April 11, 2024, 12:57:59 AM »Let me just summarize what happened a few weeks ago.
1. He very casually told me that he was not putting money in the kids savings fund.
I blew my top.
What angered me was when I tried to have a polite reasoning conversation he shook his head to make me look stupid.
2 he was upset , he had planned on going to the farm( he dis not walkout) he left the next morning without telling me
3. He had told us he would be back the same night but did not return neither did he call/msg and let us know he would be delayed.
4. When he returned I did ask him why he did not inform about the delay and he blew his top.
Basically screaming and saying it was enough and I did not want him just a few days ago so why should I care.
I just told him as long as he stays here he has to inform me.
As usual my elder son came to see what was happing and called him out on his behaviour.
The MLCer had a long chat
Typical blaming -
1. Your mother is like her mom who controlled my dad. ( not true)
2. The marriage day was all about pleasing others for her and not abt the marriage.
( context I belong to a different culture than him, I was the first in many generations to choose whom I wanted to marry. So the atire I wore was based on my culture. He did not care then.)
3. He got my MIL the same atire that he had got me to dress up as a bride( the same colour pattern erc) . I was upset and called him out. Eventually both of us wore the same attire. I was upset. But I never brought it up after that day.
So he tells my son that he lost the spark with me that day and he does not feel anything (ziltch) when he holds my hand.
4. Spoke a lot about the OW, he gave him a slightly different story and has told him that he is helping her financially so that her daughters will not follow the same path as her.
He is willing to live alone said to my son ( I have explicitly asked but no action there)
He repeats that the marriage is broken.
He also agreed that he brought this upon himself.
On my son asking him what he is willing to do he has said he was willing to make any compromise expect stopping the financial aid.
My son had the talk with me. I have told him I meed time as I am not sure.
That we need therapy. To heal before any decisions.
I understand he is only seeing my anger but not consequences. Working on getting a therapist my previous therapist is not here anymore., and placing consequences.
1. He very casually told me that he was not putting money in the kids savings fund.
I blew my top.
What angered me was when I tried to have a polite reasoning conversation he shook his head to make me look stupid.
2 he was upset , he had planned on going to the farm( he dis not walkout) he left the next morning without telling me
3. He had told us he would be back the same night but did not return neither did he call/msg and let us know he would be delayed.
4. When he returned I did ask him why he did not inform about the delay and he blew his top.
Basically screaming and saying it was enough and I did not want him just a few days ago so why should I care.
I just told him as long as he stays here he has to inform me.
As usual my elder son came to see what was happing and called him out on his behaviour.
The MLCer had a long chat
Typical blaming -
1. Your mother is like her mom who controlled my dad. ( not true)
2. The marriage day was all about pleasing others for her and not abt the marriage.
( context I belong to a different culture than him, I was the first in many generations to choose whom I wanted to marry. So the atire I wore was based on my culture. He did not care then.)
3. He got my MIL the same atire that he had got me to dress up as a bride( the same colour pattern erc) . I was upset and called him out. Eventually both of us wore the same attire. I was upset. But I never brought it up after that day.
So he tells my son that he lost the spark with me that day and he does not feel anything (ziltch) when he holds my hand.
4. Spoke a lot about the OW, he gave him a slightly different story and has told him that he is helping her financially so that her daughters will not follow the same path as her.
He is willing to live alone said to my son ( I have explicitly asked but no action there)
He repeats that the marriage is broken.
He also agreed that he brought this upon himself.
On my son asking him what he is willing to do he has said he was willing to make any compromise expect stopping the financial aid.
My son had the talk with me. I have told him I meed time as I am not sure.
That we need therapy. To heal before any decisions.
I understand he is only seeing my anger but not consequences. Working on getting a therapist my previous therapist is not here anymore., and placing consequences.
96
Our Community / Whiplash from clinging boomerang
« Latest by KayDee on April 10, 2024, 12:55:14 PM »I couldn't really focus on books for a while and I too am an avid reader. I did keep reading (slowly) and I went for short stories, or books with simplicity e.g. I read Christ Stopped at Eboli, The Salt Path, among others. Both are about paring life right back to basics, and are also very beautiful. For me in the wake of BD, my mind was racing around - I think that is a symptom of the trauma, being sort of hyper alert. So the slowness of these books was great. A lot of great literature involves us entering imaginatively into another world or context though and it's hard to do this when we are utterly consumed with what has recently happened. When we are trying to makes sense of our own immediate world. Anyway, try not to worry, this joy, and many others, will come back.
97
Our Community / Sheer indefatigability with learned perspicacity
« Latest by KayDee on April 10, 2024, 12:37:10 PM »She has a saying on her FB a friend sent me. It says something like “ I know you look at me and wonder if I am better than you, yea b!tc# I am”
Ah, yes, but at what?
98
Our Community / Sheer indefatigability with learned perspicacity
« Latest by MadLuv on April 10, 2024, 12:11:15 PM »BB- I agree with you. He has been an extreme case and he just keeps digging in further. He now has pretty much replaced every aspect of his old life. He stated” there is nothing left of my life” funny how he seems suprised. It’s exactly what he thought he wanted 🤪 How they walkway from their kids and grandkids still baggles my mind, but he can’t face anyone that he once knew.
Kaydee- they are the ultimate victims. My first time I really grasped that was when he was talking to me on the phone about ending his life and then I get a notification from our grocery store with a receipt for the candy and snacks he literally bought while taking to me about being on deaths door. They will do anything to deflect or get us to back off or not be accountable.
Reinventing- The OW. I can’t even. My XH OWife is definitely not making him a better man. She is just allowing him to do whatever as long as he buys he everything and everything. She has a saying on her FB a friend sent me. It says something like “ I know you look at me and wonder if I am better than you, yea b!tc# I am” who posts this as their saying? My XH has no idea who he is married to. He is not on social media, but she has no ifea who she is married to either. Right now, they are perfect for each other. If I am being honest.
Kaydee- they are the ultimate victims. My first time I really grasped that was when he was talking to me on the phone about ending his life and then I get a notification from our grocery store with a receipt for the candy and snacks he literally bought while taking to me about being on deaths door. They will do anything to deflect or get us to back off or not be accountable.
Reinventing- The OW. I can’t even. My XH OWife is definitely not making him a better man. She is just allowing him to do whatever as long as he buys he everything and everything. She has a saying on her FB a friend sent me. It says something like “ I know you look at me and wonder if I am better than you, yea b!tc# I am” who posts this as their saying? My XH has no idea who he is married to. He is not on social media, but she has no ifea who she is married to either. Right now, they are perfect for each other. If I am being honest.
99
Our Community / Does the pain stop
« Latest by MadLuv on April 10, 2024, 11:50:23 AM »As others have said…time does make things better. Separation from the chaos also helps. I divorced immediately after just short of 30years. From time XH left to divorce was 90days. I protected myself financially as I knew something was terribly wrong. Well, he has completely blew through massive amounts of money, married OW, stopped seeing our children and grandchildren.
I say this not to scare you, but to let you know that right now he is not who he was and everything and anything is possible. I had no idea the sweet man I thought I had known for decades could be capable of what he was. Crisis, depression and loss of self and inability and avoiding looking at why can create an avalanche of disaster. The sooner you can get legal advise the better.
I say this not to scare you, but to let you know that right now he is not who he was and everything and anything is possible. I had no idea the sweet man I thought I had known for decades could be capable of what he was. Crisis, depression and loss of self and inability and avoiding looking at why can create an avalanche of disaster. The sooner you can get legal advise the better.
100
Our Community / living is an opportunity
« Latest by Happylight on April 10, 2024, 09:47:55 AM »I am sorry that your kids have to go through this. It is so hard, and I understand how it is both a burden, but also something you want to do. Fathers are so important in their children's lives. I know, as a society, we talk about the importance of the mother, but Fathers are so greatly needed. It has been hard for me to watch what has happened with our children, but I know I can't control it. I just worry about the future impact. I think you are doing a great job of maintaining balance and stability for them.
Not doing anything is so hard sometimes. I told one of my few friends that knows of our situation and supports my stand that I feel like a crazy person for not doing anything when I feel like I am living out a reality TV show.
Not doing anything is so hard sometimes. I told one of my few friends that knows of our situation and supports my stand that I feel like a crazy person for not doing anything when I feel like I am living out a reality TV show.
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