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Our Community / Re: COOL HAND LUKE
« Last post by Thunder on Today at 08:18:50 AM »
Boy Wonder, I have to totally agree with you on that one!

what ever scenario I put in my head, because of my H's actions, were always WAY off base.

I stopped second guessing everything.

He was going to do what he was going to do and I guess I'd just find out later.

Same with your W, Watcher.  You're thinking the worst (don't we all?) but it could be a number of reasons for what she is doing.

Maybe it's to scare you into thinking you better shape up because she no longer needs you
Maybe she is truly starting to realize she needs to start paying her way
Maybe IL's are finally stepping up and started pay for their keep
Maybe she won big at the casino
Maybe she's thinking divorce
Maybe she saw how handsome watcher looked the other day
Maybe it means nothing at all

You just don't know.  One thing is a for sure, she is still angry.  Is that good or bad?  Who knows.
She trashed the bedroom, ripped up a birthday card...that's either a lot of anger or a lot of frustration.

I would just keep going, this NC is having some effect on her.

btw, I agree with Wonder, I doubt it has anything to do with your mom.
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Our Community / Re: Back After A Long Break II
« Last post by BBhelp on Today at 08:14:57 AM »
As I have had to watch my wife suffer and struggle through this illness it has taxed me a lot.  It has brought back some bad memories and made me think a lot about our life together.  I wondered why it was so easy to be there and care for her through this time...why was this illness different from the temporary insanity that we both endured all those years ago.  I realized that one was made by her and one was not...but it seemed more than just that.  It finally dawned on me that it was watching her suffering and how helpless I am to help is what made them feel so similar.

So the thing I have realized is that we can see their suffering...that it gives us Patience.  In reflecting back I can see that line so easily.  That it was when I had finally detached from the emotional rope that I was dragging her around with and let her problems become her own...that I started to see reality too.  The hurt and betrayal of BD really scrambled my hard drive and my instinct was to clamp down tighter...and my mind was awash in what if's, why's and how could you's.  My imagination and hers were filled with fantasies that were simply impossible and downright foolish. Reality was no where near either of us.  So I was tied to this fantasy...and all I saw was her projection of her fantasy and that made me hurt more...

Once I let the rope drop...once I let the weight of the world drop on her head where she could no longer lie to herself or me...that reality started to creep into both of our feilds of vision.  Then as the reality of just how broken she was became apparent...so much of the sting of BD faded.  I could see her and her actions in full view and see that this wasn't fun, this wasn't "The Time of Her Life", it was a self induced torture that I couldn't begin to understand.  Seeing this made my stand easier...because it no longer felt "Personal" to me...her actions hurt me...but they were never about me.  So seeing her struggle and fight with her own mind made this feel more clinical than emotional.  I could see that the woman I knew and loved for most of my life was there...she was just lost in the fog.  And for the first time in both of our lives...she had to find her way out on her own...I couldn't save her this time.  But I could stand by and keep her in the mirror and wait for her to heal her own wounds and find her way home.

Then as she turned the corner and reattached to our kids and family...the frustration returned because I picked up tat rope again...fearing it may have strayed too far away.  But that patience and some good counsel got me to focus on her progress and not her distance from the finish.  I saw her suffering, her steps back and what she was fighting through and for and it gave me strength and trust enough to drop that rope again.  I stopped judging her and evaluating the finish line and started to see the distance she had already traveled.  I appreciated the work she had done and worried less about the work left TO BE done.  I thank God that he judges us that same way...because I have come a long way...but have a long way left to go.

I see a lot of this in Watcher as he has turned his stand into something just for him.  He understands what his wife is battling and continues to try and take the sting out of the actions & words by understanding the only "Why" that matters is "Because she is sick right now".  He doesn't seem to be trying to measure the finish...he is just trying to enjoy his own journey and keep her in the mirror.  When I found that same space my world bloomed.  I found peace that I never had before and a new me that I really liked.  (I don't have that hair & those eyes...but I'm still Ok  ;)  Her suffering helped me find the patience to endure the stand...my understanding helped me grow past who I was and helped me become who I am today.

So today...she is not in my mirror she is right beside me.  I love her dearly and appreciate so much the effort she is making in her fight that I am again helpless to help her with.  I am again not focusing on the finish line...because only God knows where that is...I am just trying to appreciate each day.

Stay Strong.

BB
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Our Community / Re: Anyone else have a vanisher?4
« Last post by sparklestar on Today at 08:12:01 AM »
I get loads. I see his car (not his actual car but the one he has) everywhere. I see his name on number plates and various places it's not a particularly common name and i hear it too its pretty freaky. I have also seen mine and his name on a number plate on the type of car he has - was v shocked at that one. Even a few days ago I was doing a meditation and was picturing him and I back together rendering our vows (an image that came to me right back at BD) I came back to and went to check my phone and went to twitter for some reason and the first 2 tweets right next to each other were one about Sharon and ozzy renewing their vows and the following one said 'your prayers have been answered'

Then this weekend I was at a car boot sale I picked up an old book from a box and the author was my H's name I bought it because I thought it was cool and another example of how this stuff happens - when I got home I opened the book and inside was my name! It even said 'the good wife' further up (its old short stories)

I also see number synchronicities all the time too 11:11 12:12 etc and a lot of 12:21 or 14:41 type patterns it's thought they are there to let you know you're on the right path...

I guess it depends whether you believe in this stuff. It's getting kinda freaky now though I have to say.
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Our Community / Re: In a World Full of Worms, Be a Glow Worm
« Last post by MourningDove on Today at 08:10:15 AM »
Thunder,
Thank you. I know my feelings are probably normal and justified at times.

Logically, I can understand what STBX did is not deliberate. Yet I think for many of us, the fact that they somehow seem to function on some normal levels around us at times it really messes with our brains. I know he is a swirling mess, but I think the fact that even my S has not really seen or heard from STBX again is what is getting at me. I have a harder time letting go of him not being a father and then when he is he questions my parenting it pushes my buttons more. (Again, I know logically this is projection).

Of course I had the radio on this morning on my drive into work and I was laughing. Apparently the radio "universe" feels the need to play sad love songs this morning. LOL

I feel stronger than I was months ago, but the random tears creep in as do the moments of frustration and anxiety still.

The sun keeps trying to push through the clouds. Luckily, I have parked myself by a window with my laptop while I try and get work done. First plan of attack is laying out my schedule on the calendar so that those days that have to be planned are in front of me. When I am not required to have a schedule I like to see what the remaining time brings. I have always been that way on my down time. I have mastered the art of "monitor and adjust" over the years and often like to be a bit spontaneous with my downtime. Unfortunately, life sometimes gets in the way.  ::)
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Our Community / Re: Almost done now.
« Last post by shimmerofhope on Today at 08:08:39 AM »
You go girl. They definitely affair down. When I'm in the gym, sometimes my motivation is to put her to shame. Lol. But seriously, being a better version of me is what I'm working toward. Since they have been seeing eachother she has put on 20 more lbs. Plus I know with exh shenanigans, that she will age faster with stress. She will NEVER be able to trust him and she knows that. He was seeing her and another woman when he was cheating on me in our marriage. Funny thing is she thinks she's won the prize cause she's the only one left. (For now)
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Our Community / Re: What Now?
« Last post by Shining Star on Today at 08:04:01 AM »
Emotional immaturity- that is the key!  It is all I have seen for 3 years.  The mature adult version has disappeared and been replaced with a child.  It is why I have hung in for so long.  I believed that he was having an identity crisis and it was my job to be there for him.  He took advantage of my character and my loyalty.  It is why he did not tell me for the 2 years about horseface.  He knew that my loyalty would end.  Everything he has said or done in the past 3 years has been for him - not for me.  Knowing the truth is the best medicine, but it still is shocking and may take time to get over how staggering it is to accept the level of deception.  I only know who I am - I could not have looked in his face and lied over and over.  It is not in my nature, and the old husband would not have done it either.  It shows that we can never predict the future, or know another person.  When I heal completely, I will not be bitter and angry.  I will forgive him.  I do this for myself, not for him. 

I can't tell this to many people, but even with all that has happened - I love him and miss him.  I will probably always feel love for him.  BUT, what he did/is doing is not ok and I cannot truly reinvent myself until he stops being a problem for me.  I think in the past, I wanted to change him before myself.  Since he is still causing me so much emotional pain, I have literally become a "victim of the victim."  For me to OWN myself, I need to stop trying to fix him.  I have learned over years of suffering that I have gotten sucked into a form of communication with him wherein I point out what is wrong with him.  The minute I open my mouth and am critical, he goes on the defensive, and it changes the course of our communication.  By forcing him into a defensive mode, convinces him that he is right, and therefore, makes it impossible to hear me or change.  It is what RT has drilled and drilled into my head over and over, but it clicks when you are ready.

I am choosing today to let him go.  I will not be available by text or telephone.  If contacted, I will nicely explain that I need my space - with no additional comments or sarcasm.  I will give myself a few more days to let the shock in and subside, and then I will figure out what is going to make me happy.  I spent the past week removing him from all accounts, etc.  so but for a few more items, I will not be tied to him - other than the mediation emails and of course, the divorce.  I emailed the mediator who told me I can come sign the document alone.  I had her change the language from irreconcilable differences to " ________ has requested a divorce, and ___________ has agreed not to contest it.  Our story is not irreconcilable differences and I don't want that filed with the court.  It is the little things I am doing that eventually will build, but I am taking back my power.

Finally, after all the frustration of not having my husband to hang tvs, etc. and hiring a guy who did not show up yesterday - I hired someone else and am trying again, so perhaps by the end of the week, I will have a few house items accomplished.  I realized today that I am re-inventing my space before I start re-inventing myself.  I am sure there is a psychological reason for it, but in the end, who cares - it is my journey. 

Thank you to all who offer support and read my words.  It is important.  I read as well, but honestly, have been so wrapped up in myself, that I don't comment much.  I am just exhausted at this point, but I see great things, and have tremendous respect for each and everyone of you.  It is sad that we are part of THIS club.  We all have a different story, but the behavior of our spouses is very similar.  If you are having a bad day or a bad week, I am sending you a hug, and I understand exactly what you are feeling.  YOU WILL BE OK!
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Our Community / Re: On My Own Wings Now
« Last post by Nas on Today at 08:00:24 AM »

The affair stripped my sense of feeling desired, beautiful and the "special" one that no one can replace. I have tried but it is a cement wall and I cannot move it .

Barbie, I have followed your threads since I came here 2 years ago because a lot of what you say resonates with me so much.  I feel your pain so much because I have struggled so much myself with not feeling desired, beautiful or special. 

My H's MLC has triggered every single fear and insecurity from my traumatic childhood and when I read your story, I often feel that perhaps we have so much healing to do for ourselves that we can't do it unless we really separate ourselves from our marriages completely.  I often think to myself, I feel so much pain from my past that I know was triggered by H's actions and how can I heal if the trigger (H) is there?  The thought terrifies me and breaks my heart all over again, but at the same time I think it is reality.

An avoidant is a very difficult thing to deal with.  When they shut down repeatedly, we feel abandoned again every time.  I too have a desperate need to be heard and most importantly, to feel accepted.  I never expected the man I loved and felt so safe with to be the one to make me feel less accepted than I ever have in my life.  I have such a strong desire for him to have the courage to face me and my pain.  He has run so far he may never turn back.  But even if he did, I think I would feel like you do - even while your H is physically present, you still aren't feeling fully heard or understood. 

I wish you wonderful things to come from whatever you decide is best for Barbiedoll and I am glad you are here sharing your journey and the no holds barred description of the struggle that comes with attempting to reconcile.
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Our Community / Re: COOL HAND LUKE
« Last post by Wonder no more on Today at 07:59:26 AM »
Watcher, Sorry to hear your latest concerns.  My take is that your MIL is much more of an influence than any discussion your mother had.  Remember, your W had threatened it in the past also.  Your MIL may be convincing her that she will get more money, alimony, child support, etc. if she files. Then she'd have more $$$ to gamble with.  Who knows but I know I spent way too much time anticipating things I thought my H was going to do that never happened.  Some things are just out of our hands.  I think you logically know that if you had continued paying for everything nothing would change.  Perhaps the ILs have finally opened their wallets to help her.  After all they are somewhat living off of you in your own home.  Maybe it's them paying for the new cable service.
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Our Community / Re: Almost a year in and H still at home
« Last post by Mary A on Today at 07:59:01 AM »
Hi, everybody !

This week it's gonna be two months since H'EA was discovered and he has been ever since pretty much the man I married.

Neither of us brings up what happened during EA. I guess he's relieved I do that.
Not lots of I love yous but he would come and kiss me just because.
I keep on living the day , which is not that easy for me. I tend to over think everything.

Hugs to all!
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Our Community / Re: MLC or denial
« Last post by fishoutofwater on Today at 07:56:30 AM »
Brokenhearted on Hold. Surviving Separation was one of the first books I picked up during my initial trial separation and I agree it is a huge comfort.  Its been a while since I first read it so I've started rereading it over the weekend. 

I spent most of the weekend at my parents house.  Its tough because I know they want to be there for me and I need an environment outside of my apartment to heal but them seeing me like this is excruciating for them as well.  I came home briefly on Saturday just to pick up a few things and was hoping not to run into H.  Sure enough he popped in from wherever he had been all day just as I was packing up my stuff.   I know how desperate this is going to sound I'm even embarrassed to admit it but in that moment I didnt want him to think of me spending my Saturday night with my parents like some lost soul.  So I went into my closet put on a dress I havent worn in 10 years (one plus of losing 25 pounds) curled my hair and pretended like I was going out.  He saw me getting ready and asked where I was going.  I kept it vague and just said out with some friends.   He took a quick shower and was out the door saying he was going to go watch basketball with friends and told me to be safe.  He left,  I took off my dress put my hair up in a pony tail and got my sweats back on.....

Given he thought I was going out but I was really spending the night at my parents house and didnt come home I thought he would have checked in to see where I was when I didnt come home the night before.  I didnt hear from him that night or the entire next day.  I guess I shouldnt have been surprised he has been doing the very little contact thing over the past week.  Some weeks he'll send me a text or an email during the day and other times I wont hear from him at all.  You never know what you are going to get. 

I woke up this morning again with my heart pounding out of my chest.  I would love to wake up just one day and not feel the overwhelming feeling of dread.  I know it will eventually get better but its hard to not see any light at the end of this tunnel.   I wish I could just see any sign that what I am doing is working.  I know I have to have zero expectations but its so so hard to hold on.  There are no reassurances which for me is the hardest part of this whole thing.  The fear of not knowing.....

I'm worried for this upcoming weekend.  H has a trip to California the land where unicorns roam for Memorial Day.  Given that his fantasy plan is to move there I know I'm going to feel a tremendous amount of anxiety about it.  Most of my friends are going to be out of town too so I'm going to spend a lot of time alone.  Really dreading it.........
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