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Our Community / Re: After 19,5 years! 24 Weeks in :-(
« Last post by Whyus on Today at 01:55:21 AM »
Long Post Alarm

Ive done it. I called W and we spoke for 1,5 hours. It was very emotional but im glad that I done it. She was genuinely like her old self and apreciated some things I had told her. This wasnt a Relationship Diskussion. I had written​ down all the Important things that I wanted to say to her.  I wont list them all.
Basically I told her as politely as I could that we cant go on like we are. I dont want to be in her company and I just want to find my inner peace. I cannot be her buddy or sit down chatting over a coffee. She should give me enough notice when visiting so I can go somewhere for an hour. I will inform her about Potential buyers visiting the house but she can do it alone. I will not pretend to Stranges that all is rosey when it isnt. She said that she understands and still wants to clean the house the day before and she will gladly do it alone. She wants to organize a cleaning Lady for me who knows because its so much Work and I wont let her do it.  I told her that im healing slowly and i found Meditation.
She worries about me everyday because she knows her bad she's hurt me and it hurts her knowing this but she cant change it...i should never think that she doesn't care because she thinks of me everyday.
She understands what im doing and accepts it.
Sometimes she stears into space at Work and if somone asks what's wrong she cries.
 She would have liked to visit more and do more around the house but she doesn't like being there. She feels uncomfortable and trapped. She misses a normal Life and routine.
I told her that I don't recognize her anymore by the way she acts and looks. It destroys the memories of how wonderful she was and I dont want that to happen. She asked what I meant and I gave her the example of nephew Birthday. She apologized and said she  know she overreacted and it was a mask because she was nervous. It was the first family gathering since BD and it got to her. She didn't know how to act.
She said that she always wears a mask in Public because shes hurting but maybe she should scale it down. She promised me that she and Toyboy dont make it obvious at the Gym so that everybody knows.
All she wants is to sell the house because until then neither of us will heal. I agree 100%.
We did agree that if one of us was to have ( one of those days) W has basically had 2 breakdowns!! We would come to oneanother. Her only thought both times was that only I could comfort her.
I told her that when we have our flats and come down I would like to ask her out on a date like a total stranger. She said she would gladly accept. I could imagine her more as my girlfriend than as my Wife.. she Feels the same way. If we arent in that House and in each others way all day she could imagine a future together.

Alot was said, I can't remember all but it was very positive. Emotional for both at times but we both just want the other to find peace. W admitted finally how she feels!!! That's a biggy right there..

Im glad for both of us that I called her. I feel great now. And we left it on a real high friendly Note. Just have top do it know..

Sorry to quote my own post but this is a massive step for me and im not sure how to handle it tbh.... its only been a couple of days but im starting to think differently about the whole situation. One thing I do have now is time to work on my stategie going forward and to decide what I really want. Of course this has to do with cycling and ill probably do a 180 a in a couple of days but a part of which i have been trying to ignore seems to be getting stronger and louder.
Its basically saying "my W cheated on me. It wasn't a drunken one night stand (W doesn't drink). She lied, planned, chased and done awful things behind my back. It was planned over a long time and it is still happening. My kids knew a month before I did. They told her to come clean and tell me. She promised them that she had done this and she hadn't! More lies. She has made absolutely NO EFFORT AT ALL to work on our marriage. What the firetruck are your fighting/waiting for?"

 She is in MLC without a doubt, she is the perfect example but im starting to think firetruck this MLC excuse! Why am I trying to find an excuse for her actions, she was really evil and backstabbing. Why dont I just divorce her and move on? I cant Divorce until the house is sold because it will get to messy and i wont have the capitol until then but Ive got the feeling that W will be getting her papers as soon as the sale goes through!!
Like ive said before, im quietly confident that W will come crawling back and be better than ever after realizing what a b*tc# she has been.
I would love to say "im done" and forget her but I cant, not yet. This is all very firetrucked up!!!
Its really up to me to decide to stand (I could forgive her if she came back) or just let her fall and end our marriage asap!
Im starting to feel like Jekyll and Hyde myself!!! ::)
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Haha, SB, I agree ... the puking part was disgusting.  FW, how do you even find something like this?  Maybe I shouldn't ask ;D ;D

It didn't bother me one bit.  I knew it was fake.  A friend shared it on FB, lol.

Well I'm not watching that! It sounds like one of UM's pics!!!! Have peace this week FW!!!

Hey Shocked! My GIF's are not THAT bad!



ROFL

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Our Community / Re: Recasting 2
« Last post by UrsaMajor on Today at 01:31:11 AM »
Reading this and my heart goes out to your S in a big way... Ironically enough MY S was super clingy with me yesterday as well...

Long story short (sorry for the hijack Dove) - S decided to come home with me instead of staying with mom as planned last night, we got back to my place, S collapsed in bed and, by the time I got back with Doggie (20 minute walk), he was dead to the world asleep... He did a LOT of talking in his sleep though so he is processing something... Just like your S, Dove... Just 8 years younger (your S is 18 IIRC)
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Reading along...

My M recently told me a story about a man in her apartment building.  He and his wife went their separate ways but stayed married for 20 years.  They had been married for 20 years before that as well.  She filed for D in the last year, and because they had been married for so long, the last 20 years counted against him when it came to maintenance.  So he's ended up in a low income apartment because she basically took him for all he was worth.  I do often wonder if she was hoping for reconciliation and finally gave up. 
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Our Community / Re: After 19,5 years! 24 Weeks in :-(
« Last post by Thunder on Today at 01:24:11 AM »
Well, get DOWN, UM.   :)

Interesting what goes on in here this early in the morning. 
I suppose you, Whyus and Silver are in a different time zone than me.

It's not even rooster crowing time here.  ha ha
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Milly, I'm sorry your H left like he did.

There is no excuse for that.  It was mean and disrespectful....and quite cowardly.
But it had nothing to do with you.  No matter what he says.

His cheating is squarely on him. 

Just know when they go into this crisis they are so into themselves they think of no one.
Their world revolves around themselves.

He will have many regrets some day.
Just take good care of yourself.

Hugs
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Our Community / Re: After 19,5 years! 24 Weeks in :-(
« Last post by UrsaMajor on Today at 01:15:40 AM »
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Well why God lets things like you said happen

Short answer there is that we are not met puppets on a string... God granted us life but also free will. We make our own decisions and when we loose sight of trying to do good, us humans can make some really s#!tey choices...

Quote
Even the most religious have doubts sometimes.

Those that never doubt or question (IMHO), those that are "certain," don't have faith... They may have belief but not faith... Faith is holding on despite all the evidence to the contrary because you feel that connection... Static sure belief is "Ï believe it, therefore it is." There is no room for original thought or questioning in many situations of belief. As I saw it stated on a poster, "Some people have a thought circle with radius of zero and they call that their stand point."

Questioning and reexamination and arriving at the same conclusion are the hallmarks of faith.....

<Getting down out of the pulpit now>
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Our Community / Re: After 19,5 years! 24 Weeks in :-(
« Last post by Thunder on Today at 01:02:12 AM »
Whyus,

Even the most religious have doubts sometimes.

I grew up Catholic, went to Catholic schools until high school.  I have a strong belief in God and feel a very personal relationship with him.  Without him I don't know how I would have survived this.
But I have lost a lot of faith in the church and it's teachings.

Just little things like they teach you birth control is wrong and not permitted, yet something like 80% of Catholics take birth control pills.  (Just an example).  Do they confess this in the confessional?
Isn't it better to prevent unwanted pregnancies than to have children who are not wanted or can be properly cared for??

Sorry, enough about religion.  I don't want to offend anyone.

Silver, I have to agree and admit I love rock and heavy metal music but some of the best bands I have found were religious groups.  Like Third Day, Skillet and Thousand Foot Krutch. 

I'm sorry Whyus, how frustrating for you that your W would complain about the house being too big, yet not follow through to selling it for something smaller when you offered.  I'm sure that did confuse you.
Sometimes good communication is something a lot of marriages lack, but it is so important.

None of us are mind readers.   ::)
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Our Community / Re: Staying on the dim side
« Last post by UrsaMajor on Today at 01:01:22 AM »
Hi Miel,

I wondered where you had gotten off to ...

1) He wants to meet your BF? WTF? That is NONE of his business... People in he|| want ice water too...

He gave up that right when he walked out the door...

From my perspective, he is trying to exercise some form of control... He wants to see (in typical MLC fashion) if you are still in your stasis box, sitting on the porch, crocheting lace doilies waiting for him to maybe come back... In other words, this, IMHO, was a heavy duty anchor check... He's using "co-parenting" as an excuse...

2) He's gonna be a baby-daddy again in 6 months and NOW he wants more contact with you... Note that he said more contact with YOU.. NOT with the kids.. He is NOT asking (from your story here) for more time with the kids.... He is using them as an excuse.... He is being confronted with the hard reality that he's been sticking his bits where they don't belong and there are consequences to those actions. One of those consequences will appear in December. The rest of said consequences will follow him for the next 18+ years.  Mid-Lifers do NOT do "consequences" well at all... I just hope that OW is prepared to be dumped like a hot rock on Jupiter....

3)
Quote
When I told him how bad he was talking about our marriage 2 years ago he even said: I think that it could have worked out with us again?!?

There is only one appropriate response to this...    I mean, really?!?!?!?

4)
Quote
Anyway I would be very grateful if somebody could explain his behavior to me. Or is it just MLC craziness?

Explain his behaviour? That would be like trying to taste the color blue... There is a serious dose of MLC-script here int eh "Escape and Avoid" category. OceanMist said it already... Mean old Mr. reality has shown up on the Karma Bus and THAT guy is a REAL buzz kill.... He's knocked up the OW and that means that he is now tied down again... He wanted to live on the Wild Side so he ran away from his first family and "Whoops! He did it again!"  Now, he's going to be dealing with Child Support for 4 instead of just 3... He may also still harbor some fantasy that you can all live together as one big happy... You, OW, your kids, her kid and him.... The MLC dream...

Too bad life doesn't work that way...
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Our Community / Re: After 19,5 years! 24 Weeks in :-(
« Last post by Silver on Today at 12:44:09 AM »
Whyus, good points about religion. I totally agree about religion being the cause of wars in many cases. People done so very much wrong and horrible things in the name of their gods. Churches as institutions have been part of bad things, much hypocrate people feeling and acting to be better than others.
And so on. The list is long. But there is the other side, how much good people made in religious context in the world, how much hope given to others, how many life's saved...

BUT, for me these are different things: religion itself and what people make in the name of it. How people  inrepret and act based on it.
For me it is not about institutions or being 'a better person' or following blindly ANYTHING said to me. Most of all it is NOT about somebody telling me what kind of music I should listen or something else as ridicilous.

For me it is about unconditional love and hope which is there to found if we let it a chance. Something given tho not necessarily accepted from us. For me accepting it is also something that helps loving myself with all the mistakes I've done, giving self-confidence and strength tho not taking off any of my burdens or responsibility as human being. Just something that makes me stronger, that's why I've accepted it.

Well why God lets things like you said happen..really don't know but I try to think there is a reason for everything though we probably see it afterwards if ever. Could it be e.g. for you and your W to face both something just has to be faced right now, leading to something very good together or separated? Don't know mate, really hope so for you. I've been asking why my W suddenly started to look somewhere else, why there's possible my 2nd divorce coming out of nowhere...didn't find answer yet but so much mirror work, therapy and other things done this spring that I do feel after this MLC event I'll be much stronger person than before it - should there be D or not. So maybe that's the answer for me.

Didn't mean to draw you in religion discussion anyway at first place but now it is done also, sorry mate  ;D
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