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91
Morningdove what a very nice update. I could relate to some of the feelings you described.it sounds like you are truly healed. It’s very inspiring to read your story.
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Our Community / Onwards
« Latest by Music45 on March 20, 2024, 01:29:19 PM »
Realised that it's nearly a year since I last posted.
Where does the time go?

H remains very distant still. Has been for over a year now after being a clinging boomerang since BD up till then. Rarely hear from him. He lost a distant uncle recently and messaged to tell me  :o. Someone he hadn't seen for years and I'd never met.
A close friend of his sadly died recently too. H called me after I'd messaged him my condolences (I rarely message but felt it was right to in the circumstances). S thinks H contacts me at these times (death?) as I'm his "core family" . Who knows? Odd but this is his mlc. It's all odd.

Meanwhile I got a rescue dog in January. He's  a mix breed from the streets of Romania and I love him to bits. I lost two labradors since bd and it was time. That feeling of being missed and welcomed back home - regardless - that dogs are brilliant at, is so powerful.

I have mostly good days though i still get wafts of "wth?",  I won't lie. It passes. I enjoy my job. Feel like I'd like to meet someone as don't really want to be alone for the rest of my days but I don't get to meet many single 50+ men so that's my next challenge...

Been in my own (without H) home for nearly 2 years. That's flown by. Have found I can cope with what comes along: fence panels lost in gales, blocked guttering etc without resorting to H who was always there before to fix stuff. Good to find that inner strength is still in there!!  8)

Thanks for reading.

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Our Community / Whiplash from clinging boomerang
« Latest by Happylight on March 20, 2024, 01:05:55 PM »
Well it's been a couple more weeks.  I still feel in general he is moving closer.  Trying to let go of expectations continues to be hard.  I think that rather than letting go--after a while you just become trained to understand a+b does not always equal c.  I find myself more tired even though things haven't been bad. 

This month, In the last 20 days he has spent 12 nights at home and has been at the house I think at 18 days.  The other night he was being very clingy--saying he loved me, that I was amazing, that I was USUALLY RIGHT, beautiful, a high value woman, and on him mind constantly....and I pushed a little.  I got some projection and a little bit of anger, but nothing like previous times, and at some point he even said that in a couple of days we will get over this and be back to how we have been (not together but not apart either), and told me about discussing being married with a younger MC member I have never met.  I asked if MC member knew he was married because I assumed he had just been pretending we were not together anymore when he was out with them/new people, and he said that he did. 

He invited me to go on a ride with him this weekend (Fri-Sun).  This is a ride that the went on with his buddies that I have known for our entire relationship, and it was an annual ride that they have taken for many years, but I was unable to join due to obligations with our children and school.  Also, he didn't go on this ride in the last year.  This time, I have a friend helping with my youngest, and my older two can drive, so I am taking off work on Friday to go.  Taking off work to enjoy life is also growth for me.   I have always felt so much obligation to be "responsible." 

Other things that have happened.  Our D16 totaled her car--not fun.  I called him and he answered (it was Saturday night and I didn't think he would).  After he knew I was handling it and that she was Ok, he still met us at the house and stayed.  In months past, after finding out she was ok, I feel like he would have just let me handle it and checked on her the next day.  He has also told me I can ask for anything I need for the kids and he will change or cancel his plans if he has to--I feel like this is a change in mindset because even pre-crisis I was having to handle many things because of his motorcycle club conflicts. 

Do they sometimes think about returning home, but refuse to admit it to themselves or follow through because of pride?  I feel like often he makes excuses for the reasons he stays--sometimes he admits he wants to see me, but often it is weather, work the next morning, etc.  Even though he now seems to see me in a different light, and he has accepted that there were things that he could have handled differently with the kids in the last couple of years, I don't think that he is really ready to admit or own up to all the lies, mistreatment, and broken promises with us. 

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Our Community / Links/Blogs/Articles for us all to share 10
« Latest by Nas on March 20, 2024, 11:17:47 AM »
That sounds wonderful, I love Juliet Binoche. I’m a big fan of the boldness of French cinema. As an undergraduate, I was working on a creative project about artists and their cars and became very immersed in the films of Jacques Demy, who is amazing.
Interestingly, a French film from the ‘80s that left a deep impression on me is one about a woman in midlife crisis. It’s called “Kung Fu Master!” (don’t be put off by the title, it is not a movie about martial arts lol) It stars Jane Birkin, for whom the original Hermes Birkin bag was named, and it really is an interesting portrayal of a woman in crisis.
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Reinventing & UrsaMajor - You both have me laughing. Fun conversations, indeed with someone in classical antiquities indeed. As for D & D tournaments, not my thing, but then nor were drinking contests - might be why I found myself working long hours in the studios.

FB has a way of bringing up memories. Most of the time, I laugh or smile, but don't really spend a great deal of time sharing such things. In fact, I really don't spend a whole lot of time sharing or even looking at FB. I often do a quick browse to see if a couple of people, such as a couple of my nieces who travel extensively have posted any photos of their travels. Beyond that, I try to limit myself and not get sucked in for hours on end. This morning a memory popped up that would have at one point in time set me off into a major upset and it would have been days of recovering from a trigger. It is not upsetting me at all, and in fact I am really just shaking my head and wondering…

How did I even make it through to the other side of this MLC nonsense? How did I make it through that evening even - because somehow I didn't let on or managed to put on a good facade? Did the people we were with have an inkling at that point that something was so incredibly off with Xh?

The memory was from 9 years ago today. I recall that night even without the "reminder". It was after BD #1, which had occurred that September. Things were still not great, and I was deep in reading how to books about how I could improve myself. "I was the problem" - so I believed and quite frankly was lead to believe by the words the MLCer spewed in his monster moments. I had enrolled in the usual save your marriage programs. I was taking financial classes about home finances. I hadn't gotten into HS at that point. I was fully immersed in improving myself so that Xh would see that I had changed.  ::)

For the record, I don't think any of that was a waste of time. It gave me something to focus on instead of just constantly falling apart. The financial classes, were educational, although it is extremely amusing now, considering I was not the one who should have been taking them at all or adhering to them. I wasn't draining our accounts. Yet, even those were not a complete waste of time. For one, most of the classes had couples there - working together. Not me. I was the sole person showing up to do the work. In fact, in many respects maybe it was the universe preparing me for what I had no idea what was coming down the path and I would really benefit from knowing how to rebuild your finances after ruin. I had no clue at the time how bad Xh would leave things. I had always been the responsible one. Who knew?

But, this particular night, came months later. After around Christmas time realizing I was not the only woman in Xh's life. Okay, maybe I should restate that. I was not the woman Xh wanted in his life. I was a problem for him. Oh, he did notice I was making changes, and I do think that confused him for a time. I was getting some fight back in me, much like he was used to when I met him in college. I had self-confidence that I know had slowly been broken down, largely in part by FIL's presence in the house and the chipping away by what I now know was Xh going into crisis. It is not all his fault.

That is not it. Like anyone, we go through periods of needing to push ourselves and grow. Life ebbs and flows. For me, my career was changing and the kids were growing up. My role was changing. I probably could have navigated it had FIL not been in the house. That is one regret I do have. I never should have agreed to that, but who am I kidding? I don't think I would have won that battle. I convinced myself it is what was needed for Xh and FIL to heal their relationship. One flaw in that theory - neither were willing to actually do the real work to do that.  ::)

At any rate, after finding out about OW, I kept my mouth shut. I didn't say a word, for one because I convinced myself early on that it was my imagination. And then the late nights became more frequent, etc. It would be on a February afternoon, when stupidly, or perhaps arrogantly, Xh asked me to check his computer for an email from his client. It wasn't like I was snooping. What he didn't realize was Schmoopie had sent an email - a very explicit email right as I was checking the client email. Then it was just me digging deeper as I sat there in shock - wanting to scream and to throw up at the same time. I remember the day really well. I put on the happy face, as the kids came through the door. I put on the good front as Xh came home. It was a really warm February day - unseasonably warm and FIL had gone south for the winter, so I didn't have that to contend with.

I was taking the laundry detergent out of the car and Xh asked me how my day was and why was I acting so weird. I lost it. I wasn't crying. I was not screaming. I just looked at him and out it came - just demanding to know how long it had been going on. He tried to lie and then realized I wasn't having it, as I calmly rattled off the nights he had been away and verbatim what Schmoopie had put in the explicit email she sent, recounting the last evening they had spent together and she wanted another round. Xh had tears in his eyes and said he hadn't meant to hurt me. He apologized. Then asked what I wanted him to do. He wanted to tell the kids and confess. I told him no, because it was not their issue to deal with and not something they needed to know about their F. I still feel that way, had Bozo not screwed up later by giving D his phone that he never erased completely.

What followed was Xh saying he wanted to try. It was Xh telling me he didn't think he could cut ties completely with OW because they worked together and had been friends. I stupidly agreed to this arrangement thinking it would cool down and things would be fine. I forgave him and took some of the blame. Looking back I realize though that the only apology that ever came was when I confronted him. He would immediately use ways to blame me moving forward about why he cheated.

That FB memory had been about a month after that fateful driveway confrontation. We had met up with our dear friends - the H had been the best man at our wedding. Their eldest S was touring colleges in our area and we hadn't seen them in a couple of years. The kids all were having a great time and our friends had no idea what had been going on.

We went out to dinner and the FB picture was of our dinner event. Our friend is a person who likes to document those times. The dinner was fun. It was still awkward with Xh and I, but he seemed like he was trying.

The thing is, I recall having a decent time. I know where we were, but most of that weekend was a bit of a blur, except for what happened as we left the restaurant. I had sort of picked up on it, but told myself I was being paranoid. Xh was on his phone a great deal and I convinced myself it was the client he had been working with, as they had a huge project looming. It would be outside of the restaurant when our friends called Xh out on it and the W grabbed the phone from Xh and laughed. The look on her face said it all. She out and out asked who Schmoopie was - as in Xh had a woman he had been texting all night long and there were photos. She was nice enough not to share what she saw or let on, but I knew from the look on her face that the woman in question was in fact OW. She did say to him in front of her H, that she would divorce him on the spot if he had that on his phone. Xh just laughed. I said nothing. He had changed her name slightly on his phone, but I knew who it was. I would be quiet the rest of the trip. Crushed.

Later when we had come home from the trip, I would ask him why he wasn't being honest with me. Hee would tell me that it was none of my business and I didn't have any right to ask and I should trust him. She was just a friend and I basically should just accept that, since he wasn't giving her up.

I put up with that for months, as the gaslighting kicked into overdrive. It would be summer when I realized OW had never left the picture and was helping Xh find a place to move to. I would be hit again with BD#2 in the fall, right on schedule almost exactly a year later.

The thing is today, that memory is still very vivid, but only because I had the reminder. Now though, it is more of a "wow, has it been 9 years since then" reaction.

I would have done anything that fateful night to make it all go back to "normal". The pain was horrible and I never thought I would feel any true happiness again. I was wrong.

The end of my marriage was devastating. I guess I no longer wished it had turned out differently. It is not to say I still don't truly understand it. The difference is, having closed that book, I wouldn't want to go back to that life. Seeing that "memory" today makes me realize that I honestly couldn't go back. It really would have meant rebuilding from the ground up and 9 years later, I am not who I was back then.

The truth is, I am happier than I have been in more than 9 years. That night - is now a blip in my history. 
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Our Community / Links/Blogs/Articles for us all to share 10
« Latest by Treasur on March 20, 2024, 10:54:51 AM »
Just had an example of that - went with a friend to see a film called ‘the Taste of Things’ with Juliette Binoche. Remarkable film, really extraordinary and lovely in ways I can’t quite describe. And feel blessed to have seen it. A real joy. (Perfect if you like food, traditional French sensibilities, or a little later in life romantic feeling. Would recommend eating before you go though or you’ll feel very hungry after about 10 minutes lol)
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Our Community / 25 years and my wife walked out the door
« Latest by dogwalker on March 20, 2024, 07:56:12 AM »
No offence ever intended my friend. Totally down to me
But yes I will do that update.
DW
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Our Community / In a Little More Than Four Months.....
« Latest by UrsaMajor on March 20, 2024, 07:52:03 AM »
*I know she wants this D more than anything. 
*Yet she continues to take actions they don’t reflect that because the D process is being dragged out.  Some things would be so simple to agree upon.  Why argue over stupid things and stall?
*Then she lashes out at me when the D isn’t going anywhere.  And I keep saying it’s your D.  I’ll do whatever I’m legally required to do but I’m not gonna hold your hand and help you destroy our lives.
and HERE is where you should FULL STOP. Her D, HER responsibility. NOT your circus, NOT your monkeys.... If she wants it THAT bad, she has to accept the consequences that come along with it...

*Then I give up, say I can’t take it anymore, I will handle all the paperwork and push the D forward
So you touch the hot stove again?
*Then she makes the terms impossible to negotiate, so I can’t move forward, and I put pencils down, again
And, yep, it is still firetrucking hot.....
*Rinse and repeat. 
Then pull the power cord... Stop putting your hand on the stove burner...
Why does a person behave like this?  There is no doubt in my mind she wants this D more than anything in the world.  She’s not conflicted.  Then why not just D. It’s makes no sense. 
What does green taste like?
The thing I keep coming back to is yes, she wants this D more than anything, but she wants it on HER terms, which are the alternative reality/fantasy land terms in her mind.  And there is no talking about it or rationalizing it.  They believe what they believe until a judge tells them otherwise.  And that’s why we are no where with this D.
Of course... because the MLC'er is all about da Bass.... Me Me Me Me Me...

I haven’t tested it yet.  But I suspect even if I agree to all the fantasyland terms she would STILL delay the process.  It would then be other terms that would pop up.  Just my gut feeling.
Don't test by giving up things you are not willing to give up.... Because then, even if you don't reach an agreement, you are starting over again deeper in the hole than before....

Hey Doc, it REALLY hurts when I stab myself in the nose with this barbecue fork
Well then, why don't you STOP STABBING YOURSELF IN THE NOSE WITH THE BARBECUE FORK?
And if this is the case.  Then why does a person do this. Spend $60k in legal fees but not leave?  And continue on the war path with zero signs of slowing?
What explanation could there be, rational or irrational, to explain this.
What does green taste like?
99
Our Community / Yet another love, but not in love.
« Latest by UrsaMajor on March 20, 2024, 07:35:04 AM »
Lol, every time i am asked what is going on with my marriage and him and his decisions and actions i can't explain without the feeling that i talk about something completely inadequate. There is no reasonable explanation for MLC behavior and response of LBS to this behavior. I mean reasonable for ppl who never encountered MLC.

That is why FakeBook invented the Relationship status "It's complicated."

100
Our Community / 25 years and my wife walked out the door
« Latest by UrsaMajor on March 20, 2024, 07:29:42 AM »
Today she is home and we have been together for 3 years now(never did get a purple sticker on my story :-) ). Life is good and full hence I'm seldom here now. <...snip...>
Cheers DW

You didn't get a purple icon because your last update was in February.... of 2022!

Come back, start a new thread, fill us in, and I'll make sure you have a purple Icon.....

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