Author Topic: MLC Monster Types of Denials  (Read 23486 times)

Offline Faithfully Yours

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MLC Monster Re: Types of Denials
« Reply #20 on: May 14, 2013, 03:04:41 PM »
Denial of fact: This form of denial is where someone avoids a fact by lying. This lying can take the form of an outright falsehood (commission), leaving out certain details in order to tailor a story (omission), or by falsely agreeing to something (assent, also referred to as "yesing" behavior). Someone who is in denial of fact is typically using lies in order to avoid facts that they think may be potentially painful to themselves or others.

Denial of responsibility: This form of denial involves avoiding personal responsibility by blaming, minimizing or justifying. Blaming is a direct statement shifting culpability and may overlap with denial of fact. Minimizing is an attempt to make the effects or results of an action appear to be less harmful than they may actually be. Justifying is when someone takes a choice and attempts to make that choice look okay due to their perception of what is "right" in a situation. Someone using denial of responsibility is usually attempting to avoid potential harm or pain by shifting attention away from themselves.

Denial of impact: Denial of impact involves a person avoiding thinking about or understanding the harms their behavior have caused to themselves or others. By doing this, that person is able to avoid feeling a sense of guilt and it can prevent that person from developing remorse or empathy for others. Denial of impact reduces or eliminates a sense of pain or harm from poor decisions.

Denial of cycle: Many who use this type of denial will say things such as, "it just happened." Denial of cycle is where a person avoids looking at their decisions leading up to an event or does not consider their pattern of decision making and how harmful behavior is repeated. The pain and harm being avoided by this type of denial is more of the effort needed to change the focus from a singular event to looking at preceding events. It can also serve as a way to blame or justify behavior.

Wow! I really don't know why I haven't looked at this thread before today, but I am so glad I did. All 4 of those denial types are my H. It also explains why he can't/won't make eye contact with me. I feel a lot better having read this article. Thank you Stayed and yes I saw several I have exhibited and need to work on. I am enjoying working on the areas that I need to improve upon. I know I am going to be a much better person in the long run.
Faithfully Yours :)

"Sometimes we must give up the life we planned for the life that is waiting for us". ~Joseph Campbell~

Offline DevastatedWife

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Re: Types of Denials
« Reply #21 on: September 20, 2013, 02:27:27 AM »
Wow!  Very insightful article.  My H has exhibited most stages of denial.  Very interesting ready and gives me some relief in knowing that I was not the crazy one, but he was sure making me feel that way!
Me: 44  Him: 51
M: 9 yrs
T: 15 yrs
No Children
OW is Married with 2 children
Moved out on 9/17/2013
Moved into Apartment on 10/12/2013
"Unsure of where we fit"
“True love is tested when betrayed.”

Offline Rayman

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Re: Types of Denials
« Reply #22 on: January 28, 2014, 09:36:20 AM »
My W has displayed all of these denials.  Thanks, very insightful!

Offline Harley

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Re: Types of Denials
« Reply #23 on: January 31, 2014, 12:04:58 PM »
Time is on our side, use it to thrive not just survive.

I like this quote.
My H and I are codependent. I organised entire household, financial, cooking, washing etc. he just provides part of our income that we live off.

He is cake eating which peeves me but I'm getting better at not peeking at phone record and he has also used all those forms of denial.

Offline Sadmoose

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Re: Types of Denials
« Reply #24 on: February 01, 2014, 07:37:12 PM »
Great article, Stayed!!! My H uses various forms of denial, even now!

The best thing we can do, apart from focussing on our own lives, is to give them little truth darts every now and then. The smaller truth darts work better with someone in denial. Big issues are too overwhelming, and send them back through the same process of denial.

http://psychcentral.com/lib/2007/15-common-defense-mechanisms/all/1/

this is something that I have been thinking about. When a friend of mine was psychotic, the counselor said that you could not let somebody continue to believe in their own delusions, but you must address them. Yet I have read so many places with move not to do this ....

Offline God's child

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Re: Types of Denials
« Reply #25 on: April 07, 2014, 12:09:18 PM »
Stayewd this is good as I see my exH in various denials but I believe wholeheartedly he is Denial of Denials.  He thinks he was justified in have an affair and that the OW will make him the man he always wanted to be. But little does she know she cant change him at all!! ;) Only GOD can change us all!!

W-52
exH-58
m-24 years
BD 10/12/13
D-12/23/13
D 24,21,19
He is coming back to me!!
M-52
H-58
D24,21,19
BD-Oct 2013
D final 12/2013
Married OW
He loves me and misses me...sure
Vision is not seeing things as they are but as they will be
There is nothing that I can say or do to hurt him, I will have to wait for life to do the job for me

Offline Blindsided again

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Re: Types of Denials
« Reply #26 on: August 25, 2014, 06:34:21 PM »
Wow...thank you stayed, just read this....all fit my H!! Especially in this crazy MLC life. I wish I read this sooner.

Offline Strongwind

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Re: Types of Denials
« Reply #27 on: August 26, 2014, 12:45:53 AM »
Stayed this was a good post. Denial is something so peculiar because the reality is there starring in the face yet the justification make reality non existent to the MLcer. I did it myself when I was having my MLC. However, I really believed I had very good reasons for what I was doing and I actually still feel that way. My first marriage was a train wreck. My ex had bipolar disorder and I had gone through a lot with him. It was a rollercoaster financially and emotionally with him. He lied just about everything all the time, even my son was surprised at how long I had stayed. 

Perhaps Mlcer now is at the same point I was with xH? Only difference is that I'm not suffering from a bipolar disorder. I still wouldn't reconcile with ex. I see more empathy and more understanding coming from him but he just as unstable.

I've been wondering what a stander could do to effect a  return if the Mlcer is not keeping contact and there is no contact with the stander? I was always in contact with ex even while we were both married so I was able to witness changes or no changed in ex. I feel that is important to make the type of changes in ourselves to effect a 180. Wouldn't that mean changing those traits that were some of the things that Mlcer says where the causes of the marriage's demise? How do we know what those things were if the Mlcer doesn't really have contact with us and doesn't voice things honestly? They loved us once. Do we need to recapture that same person? They are not the same, we are not the same. Everything changed forever after BD. They know it and we know it..I'm not sure if my post makes any sense but I wanted put this out there as I've been thinking a lot about this Thank you. ((hugs)) SW  :-*
"Adversity is like a strong wind. It tears away from us all but the things that cannot be torn, so that afterward we see ourselves as we really are, and not merely as we might like to be."
Arthur Golden

Offline Trusting in Goodness and God

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Re: Types of Denials
« Reply #28 on: December 07, 2014, 04:59:34 PM »
Great post, Stayed!  My husband does ALL of those things.  His little twist is his idea that when he does something wrong, and the victim says something about it, somehow magically they become the bad guy and he becomes the tortured victim.
« Last Edit: December 07, 2014, 05:07:55 PM by Going Crazy »

Offline MIMIx

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Re: Types of Denials
« Reply #29 on: February 04, 2015, 04:14:43 AM »
Denial of Responsibility

This is the type of denial my h has used in our marriage.  When he begins to feel embarrassment, put on the spot,  he ducks and deflects blame onto me....every single time.  He will go to all lengths to avoid the shame of taking responsibility.  He also denies that he does this.

 I throw my hands in the air.

 

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