Author Topic: Discussion Guilt vs Remorse #2  (Read 46428 times)

Offline stayedTopic starter

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Discussion Guilt vs Remorse #2
« on: August 12, 2013, 08:24:38 AM »
New Quilt (ooops) Guilt vs Remorse, by popular demand...  ;D

Old thread...
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=2730.new;topicseen#new


I found this very helpful, 100% my H, it explains much:

1. Real remorse means seeing the pain you caused someone, and reaching out to make it better. Feeling bad for the person in pain.
A person who feels guilt rather than remorse sees the pain of others (that they inflicted) as judgment, condemnation, and feels bad for themselves. What they feel for the person in pain is anger - anger for showing them what they don't want to see (the consequences of their actions).
2. Someone who feels remorse for doing a bad thing will always consider the thing they did to be bad.
Bad feelings associated with guilt are situational, and change with circumstances.
3. Someone really remorseful doesn't want to repeat a harmful action - they aren't even tempted to. Real remorse means never doing it again, self accountability.
Someone who feels guilty can still repeat the actions causing the guilt, precisely to escape the guilt. The only way to end feelings of guilt is self accountability - guilt happens when someone runs from it.
4. Remorse says "I'm sorry I hurt you".
Guilt says "stop making me feel bad for what I did".
5. Remorse cares more about the one wounded. They don't care about others holding them accountable because they already hold themselves accountable.
Guilt worries more about how the wounded one makes them appear in the eyes of others. They feel their self image is being attacked. They do worry about others holding them accountable because they shirk self accountability.
6. Remorse means learning from one's harmful actions.
Guilt means not even facing what one has done, so learning from it isn't likely.
7. Remorse means leaving the harmful actions one did in the past, but not forgetting them.
Guilt carries harmful actions around, keeping them ever present, by attempting to avoid dealing with them. They will always be ever present, a thorn in ones side, looming large and affecting one's life until faced and dealt with. This is self inflicted torture - although a person struggling with guilt will blame others.
8. Remorse leads to the ability to forgive the self.
Guilt leads to self hatred.
9. Remorse is action, actively doing something about the harm one caused.
Guilt is feeling self pity and doing nothing about the harm one caused.
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« Last Edit: August 12, 2013, 02:14:10 PM by stayed »
Married 39yrs.
Reconciled July 5, 2006

"Don't be so open minded your brains fall out".  by Stephen A. Kallis, Jr.
"We believe marriage is sacred, but it is not our job to save marriages; it is our goal to empower each of you to save your own marriage."

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Offline fidelle

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Re: Guilt vs Remorse #2
« Reply #1 on: August 12, 2013, 01:28:08 PM »
Great post, Stayed!! Thank you. Sadly, I think it's more often the LBS that feels remorse for the dead M and the things we could have done differently . Guilt is such a toxic emotion, isn't it? At least  as  the article says, there is growth through remorse. Let's hope our MLCers get there one day, if only for their sakes
"Never expect. Never assume. Never ask. And never demand. Just let it be. If it's meant to be, it will happen."

"Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds" Shakespeare, Sonnet 116

Offline stayedTopic starter

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Re: Guilt vs Remorse #2
« Reply #2 on: August 12, 2013, 01:36:55 PM »
I actually think that "guilt" holds our MLCer back.  They feel guilt, then they figure, in for a penny, in for a pound.  So they compound it.  Then they get angry, because we are MAKING them feel guilty. 

Yep, USELESS, TOXIC emotion!  Does more damage then good.

Hugs Stayed
Married 39yrs.
Reconciled July 5, 2006

"Don't be so open minded your brains fall out".  by Stephen A. Kallis, Jr.
"We believe marriage is sacred, but it is not our job to save marriages; it is our goal to empower each of you to save your own marriage."

Stayed Husband Letter
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Offline fidelle

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Re: Guilt vs Remorse #2
« Reply #3 on: August 12, 2013, 01:58:37 PM »
"They feel guilt, then they figure, in for a penny, in for a pound.  So they compound it.  Then they get angry, because we are MAKING them feel guilty."
That's SO true!! My H gave the reason for being unable to come back to the marriage that he was too guilty and would lose all self-respect if he came back. Better have another affair..that certainly improves your self-worth  ::) ::)
"Never expect. Never assume. Never ask. And never demand. Just let it be. If it's meant to be, it will happen."

"Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds" Shakespeare, Sonnet 116

Offline kikki

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Re: Guilt vs Remorse #2
« Reply #4 on: August 12, 2013, 02:00:46 PM »
Quote
New Quilt vs Remorse, by popular demand

The typo had me chuckling stayed - we could all do with a new quilt  :)

Offline fidelle

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Re: Guilt vs Remorse #2
« Reply #5 on: August 12, 2013, 02:03:32 PM »
Hahahaha , Kikki, I hadn't even noticed! New quilts for all those whose MLCers are behaving like little sheets  ;D ;D ;D
"Never expect. Never assume. Never ask. And never demand. Just let it be. If it's meant to be, it will happen."

"Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds" Shakespeare, Sonnet 116

Offline kikki

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Re: Guilt vs Remorse #2
« Reply #6 on: August 12, 2013, 02:04:13 PM »
 ;D ;D ;D 

Offline stayedTopic starter

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Re: Guilt vs Remorse #2
« Reply #7 on: August 12, 2013, 02:17:32 PM »
Lol, Freudian slip!  It was my guilt about this great big quilt I have laying over the couch, waiting for me to finish quilting, hehehe.  Quilting in the summer at least the lap quilting I do (my big frame is back home in storage)... just too hot, to have it laying on my lap.

Lol Stayed
Married 39yrs.
Reconciled July 5, 2006

"Don't be so open minded your brains fall out".  by Stephen A. Kallis, Jr.
"We believe marriage is sacred, but it is not our job to save marriages; it is our goal to empower each of you to save your own marriage."

Stayed Husband Letter
The Hero's Spouse Mission Statement
Survival Instructions for Newbies
The Mentor Program
LBS SCRIPT

Offline kikki

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Re: Guilt vs Remorse #2
« Reply #8 on: August 12, 2013, 02:20:00 PM »
Ah, it's speaking to you stayed  ;)

Offline riverbirch

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Re: Guilt vs Remorse #2
« Reply #9 on: August 12, 2013, 03:08:36 PM »
 I don't know if my H will feel remorse. The man has never said I'm sorry for anything to me any way. If he does  feel remorse ever and admits it,I will be floored.
Me 51
H (whatever he is) 53
D for financial reasons March 2012
Started seeing massive change over the summer 2012
Left end of October 2012
Started coming home thanksgiving 2013
Home now. March 2014
Believe ow is gone
Probably going through this for years
OW discovered Oct.23,2013,old GF from before we met at the age of 16!
Left again Oct. 20 2015
Came back two weeks later
Still here 01/17 not done yet

 

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