Author Topic: Discussion Guilt vs Remorse #2  (Read 46428 times)

Offline Phoenix67

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Discussion Re: Guilt vs Remorse #2
« Reply #10 on: August 12, 2013, 04:55:27 PM »
Fantastic post, thank you for sharing.  My H frequently says he knows he's put me in a painful situation and with the kids stated he's just 'not happy' (poor baby - waa) and nothing is my fault.  But in reading this post I remembered that what got H into this place and what contributes to his alcoholism is his inability to show anger.  His anger looks more like a victim that feels guilty but 'just couldn't help' himself.  Remorse is definitely NOT what he is displaying.
Me 46, H 45, M 15, T16, S21, D19
Bomb drop: 7-4-13 EA, just not happy
He moved to the basement apartment of our house.

Offline Stillpraying

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Re: Guilt vs Remorse #2
« Reply #11 on: August 12, 2013, 06:09:34 PM »
I confess!
I too am guilty of being lazy with my quilting... :( :(
BD 18th Oct 2009
exH Left home 9th April 2011
Split with OW3 (fiance) Jan 2016. (no break between OWs).

Offline stayedTopic starter

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Re: Guilt vs Remorse #2
« Reply #12 on: August 12, 2013, 11:46:47 PM »
I confess!
I too am guilty of being lazy with my quilting... :( :(

I love quilting Stillpraying.  If I had my old floor frame, I could stand at it, or even pull up a chair and sit at the frame stitching away, but I didn't bring it with me and having a big, hot, quilted blanket on my lap in 25-30C temps, is simply not an option.  So a bit of lazy, yes... but mostly, a legitimate excuse hehehe. 

Riverbirch, did you EVER believe your h would do what he is doing to you and the kids now?  Did you ever think he would cheat, lie and be outright nasty to you.  Somehow, I don't think so.  SO, do not rule out TRUE REMORSE.... this is a pretty severe episode in these ppls. lives.  I know from discussing this with my h, his CRUELTY AND NASTINESS, still shocks him to his core.  He knows he did all of these things, he KNEW he was doing them at the time.  He admits, he DIDN'T EVEN TRY TO STOP doing them!

This is one very weird affliction.  Very, very nasty and disgusting.   I honestly believe, anybody with a HEART looks back on this event at some point with... sincere remorse. 

Keep the faith.  Believe in yourself.  You will come out of this ahead, if you focus on yourself.  It is their REMORSE, if they don't find it within themselves, then they really are not worth having. 

Hugs Stayed
Married 39yrs.
Reconciled July 5, 2006

"Don't be so open minded your brains fall out".  by Stephen A. Kallis, Jr.
"We believe marriage is sacred, but it is not our job to save marriages; it is our goal to empower each of you to save your own marriage."

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Offline riverbirch

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Re: Guilt vs Remorse #2
« Reply #13 on: August 13, 2013, 07:05:20 AM »
[quotedid you EVER believe your h would do what he is doing to you and the kids now?  Did you ever think he would cheat, lie and be outright nasty to you][/quote]

Never thought he would walk out on us the way he did or put us through any of this. He hated lying, cheating and all that. He was very straight and narrow. He NEVER lied EVER. He's also retired military. One of the guys that did not approve of the actions of others in the service with him.

 I had been through my own crisis in 2004, including depression and a brief affair. Once the fog lifted and the obsession of the OM, went away, I was devastated by my own actions and what it did to my H.I understand a lot of the description of true remorse. I made a vow to NEVER do anything like that again. It can't ever put someone through that mess again.

I pray he isn't going to be someone who never comes out of this and will return to his family. I pray he doesn't end up being someone who cannot show true remorse. I pray he comes out of this soon and doesn't cause more damage and it's too late for a reconciliation.


I am working on a quick ,panel, baby quilt for my niece at the moment. I would love to do a regular quilt. :)
Me 51
H (whatever he is) 53
D for financial reasons March 2012
Started seeing massive change over the summer 2012
Left end of October 2012
Started coming home thanksgiving 2013
Home now. March 2014
Believe ow is gone
Probably going through this for years
OW discovered Oct.23,2013,old GF from before we met at the age of 16!
Left again Oct. 20 2015
Came back two weeks later
Still here 01/17 not done yet

Offline stayedTopic starter

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Re: Guilt vs Remorse #2
« Reply #14 on: August 13, 2013, 07:23:19 AM »
You have a better understanding of this riverbirch then we do then.  It can be done, you did it, lets just stay positive and trust that he will get through it.  In the meantime... focus on yourself.  You know how strong you will need to be to get through this.

A quick panel baby quilt... is there any such thing, hehehe.  I have 11 grandchildren... so have completed one for each of them.  Plus have made a few others for friends or kids friends etc.  I am working on a crazy quilt, for a friend of ours.  She had a bit 50th. b-day party over a year ago... and I am not about 2/3rds. quilted.  It has turned out to be much bigger then I had originally planned... so it has taken a while to quilt.  Just for the record, I hand quilt... no machine quilting for Stayed old girl, hehehe. 

Just go ahead and get started.  A regular quilt is no different then a baby quilt, only BIGGER hehehe. 

Hugs Stayed
Married 39yrs.
Reconciled July 5, 2006

"Don't be so open minded your brains fall out".  by Stephen A. Kallis, Jr.
"We believe marriage is sacred, but it is not our job to save marriages; it is our goal to empower each of you to save your own marriage."

Stayed Husband Letter
The Hero's Spouse Mission Statement
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Offline Songanddance

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Re: Guilt vs Remorse #2
« Reply #15 on: August 13, 2013, 09:27:34 AM »
Never thought he would walk out on us the way he did or put us through any of this. He hated lying, cheating and all that. He was very straight and narrow.
I had been through my own crisis in 2004, including depression and a brief affair. Once the fog lifted and the obsession of the OM, went away, I was devastated by my own actions and what it did to my H.I understand a lot of the description of true remorse. I made a vow to NEVER do anything like that again. It can't ever put someone through that mess again.
I pray he isn't going to be someone who never comes out of this and will return to his family. I pray he doesn't end up being someone who cannot show true remorse. I pray he comes out of this soon and doesn't cause more damage and it's too late for a reconciliation


Riverbirch - I understand too. I had PND and had a 10 day stupid fling in 1998 but H took me back and swept it under the carpet and never discussed it so we never really shared my remorse and it manifested as modified behaviour on my part to show H for the mext 15 years how sorry I was. As his MLC started before BD he used that bitter memory as his guiding force and apparently started checking up on me, following me etc... he was so convinced that I was still carrying on with someone. The guilt I have carried is huge and will never truly go away.
However now H has OW he blames this one incident in his past as his feeble attempt to justify his adultery for the last 6 months before and since BD.
He knows it's wrong "but it feels right" (all signs of addiction) and at BD chose to tell me how hurt he was and how much he cried and the pain he felt. I am so sorry that I did that to him but I fear that he too may never really feel the remorse because he believes he was the victim all along and he seems to have no conscience in insisting he stay at home but see OW and take her on holiday.
If he does feel remorse I don't know that I will have the strength to help him because he really will be a broken man and pride will stop him from ever revealing his true feelings. I want to be able to help him but I know  what he will have to go through and know that he is a weak man with many demons.

Offline riverbirch

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Re: Guilt vs Remorse #2
« Reply #16 on: August 13, 2013, 04:56:49 PM »
I don't know Stayed. I am different than he is. I always believed I loved him more than he loved me. I am also more forgiving than he as well. When he first left he blamed all this on my A, back in 2004. I knew it wasn't all my fault, but he had to bring it up. Maybe I did too much damage to him.

Songanddance

I got the same thing from my H. He also brought up my A when I asked him if he was going to find another woman. He said well you found such and such, meaning he was justified to do as he pleases. Well Mr. Camper King had a revenge A and was very mean during it. So wasn't she. So to me there is no justification.
Me 51
H (whatever he is) 53
D for financial reasons March 2012
Started seeing massive change over the summer 2012
Left end of October 2012
Started coming home thanksgiving 2013
Home now. March 2014
Believe ow is gone
Probably going through this for years
OW discovered Oct.23,2013,old GF from before we met at the age of 16!
Left again Oct. 20 2015
Came back two weeks later
Still here 01/17 not done yet

Offline CallanG

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Re: Guilt vs Remorse #2
« Reply #17 on: August 14, 2013, 07:37:03 AM »

Thanks for posting that again Stayed . My H is saying sorry a lot at the moment but I would say it is still how this has made him feel rather than how it makes me feel .

I have seen a couple of small glimpses of remorse but that is all .
xx

Offline stayedTopic starter

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Re: Guilt vs Remorse #2
« Reply #18 on: August 14, 2013, 08:21:07 AM »
Sadly that is very common CallanG.  In time, he should get to true remorse.  If he doesn't, you may have to re-examine what you want...

hugs Stayed
Married 39yrs.
Reconciled July 5, 2006

"Don't be so open minded your brains fall out".  by Stephen A. Kallis, Jr.
"We believe marriage is sacred, but it is not our job to save marriages; it is our goal to empower each of you to save your own marriage."

Stayed Husband Letter
The Hero's Spouse Mission Statement
Survival Instructions for Newbies
The Mentor Program
LBS SCRIPT

Offline Duthla

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Re: Guilt vs Remorse #2
« Reply #19 on: August 14, 2013, 10:50:12 AM »
"They feel guilt, then they figure, in for a penny, in for a pound.  So they compound it.  Then they get angry, because we are MAKING them feel guilty."
That's SO true!! My H gave the reason for being unable to come back to the marriage that he was too guilty and would lose all self-respect if he came back. Better have another affair..that certainly improves your self-worth


Couldn't agree more! In my situation my H followed this:
Step One: Start accusing me of having an affair whenever I talk with/visit with a member of the opposite gender
Step Two: Get drunk one night, verbally abuse me, be sexually aggressive and then choke me. (our S7 witnessed the physical violence)
Step Three: Blame the booze. Say he doesn't remember. Wonders if I attacked him first.  :o
Step Four: Promise me, his parents and the Child Protection worker that he will go for counselling.
Step Five: Have an affair with 24 year old employee. Invite her Holiday functions at our home. Be miserable towards all family members throughout the holidays.
Step Six: Make the decision to leave the marriage and family home. No turning back...done deal.

I think, perhaps, the immense guilt happened after the physical attack (which he blamed me for) and then did what Stayed said. Compounded it. "I messed up to a place I never thought I'd go, so I may as well justify it with ???? and just keep on going."

H still blames. Still believes all things are happening TO him and he has NO ROLE in his current demise. Still with OW and her son and "happy". Good grief....the blinders he wears are mighty LARGE!  8)


 

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