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Author Topic: Discussion Guilt vs Remorse #2  (Read 46429 times)

Online Thunder

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Discussion Re: Guilt vs Remorse #2
« Reply #20 on: August 19, 2013, 09:49:11 AM »
My x only said he was sorry twice.  Once (back in February) when he told me he was joining a dating service (didn't want to lie to me when I asked where he was going)  ::)  I got quiet and he said...you seem mad or hurt (dah).  I said...no, I'm not mad.
After a few minutes he said...I'm sorry if I hurt you, I didn't mean to.  I swear he seriously did not think this would phase me.

Then another time about a year ago I made a comment on how these last 2 years have been the worst years of my life.  Again he was shocked and asked why.  I said...because I'm losing my H of many years who I still care about.
Very quietly he said...I'm sorry.

Both times I realized how screwed up in the head he really is.  How they can become so clueless is beyond me.

With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline I believe in angels

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Re: Guilt vs Remorse #2
« Reply #21 on: August 19, 2013, 10:39:38 AM »
Hi s2364.  It is because they have no feelings for others or themselves, other than making themselves feel temporarily 'happy'.  THey dont want to know that we hurt, but i believe deep down they know we hurt, but they dont want to acknowledge it. it hurts a lot, but we must detach. x

Offline Searching4Answers

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Re: Guilt vs Remorse #2
« Reply #22 on: August 19, 2013, 10:54:57 AM »
It is amazing isn't it. My H has said he is sorry more in the last year than through the whole relationship; unfortuantely, I don't see any remorse in it.

How they can become so clueless is beyond me.

Agreed, it is so obvious that we would be hurt by their actions but they can't see it.
We all do damage. Character is determined by how we repair it.


BD - December 2012
OW1 confirmed - December 2012 on-and-off for 34 months and counting (still refers to her as just a 'friend')
Wants to live like roommates - November 2013
I moved out - April 2015
H is still checking the anchor

Offline 31andcounting

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Re: Guilt vs Remorse #2
« Reply #23 on: August 22, 2013, 01:13:03 PM »
I believe I may be seeing remorse now instead of so much guilt.  Funny you would think you would know for sure ???
My H has become softer, more caring, more concerned for my thoughts, my day and even my aches and pains??  It is nice don't get me wrong and I truly hope it continues, its been a long time coming :)  But to be honest I am absolutely sure he is not whole yet, but I do see more remorseful actions and words, more in his actions than his words, he does not say he is sorry.  He has said it.  The guilt was so obvious to me, the remorse is a little harder to figure out at times.  There is a definite difference between the two.
31andcounting
Hurting people hurt people :(

Offline stayedTopic starter

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Re: Guilt vs Remorse #2
« Reply #24 on: August 22, 2013, 01:21:17 PM »
Sounds promising 31andcounting.  I think we are afraid that we might be trying to read more into what we are seeing, then is actually there.  WE are so "gun shy".  I think we had been back together for a good 3 years when I went, ooooooooooooo I think he is here to stay.  Oh my goodness.  I had spent all that time waiting for him to bolt out the door OR return to his mood swings. 

Keep the faith!   ;D

hugs Stayed
Married 39yrs.
Reconciled July 5, 2006

"Don't be so open minded your brains fall out".  by Stephen A. Kallis, Jr.
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Offline 31andcounting

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Re: Guilt vs Remorse #2
« Reply #25 on: August 23, 2013, 06:51:52 AM »
Thanks Stayed, I think it sounds promissing also.  Slow, Slow process for sure, but better that way!  Too fast and I would be spinning and unsure I think! I am definitely "gun shy" and I would rather just let go and live it, still working on that but maybe better that way too, who else besides me is going to make sure I'm alright??!!  I have the faith!
31 :)
Hurting people hurt people :(

Offline stayedTopic starter

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Re: Guilt vs Remorse #2
« Reply #26 on: August 23, 2013, 11:53:43 AM »
Oh yea 31, I didn't even realize I was holding my breath.  Can't believe I wasn't 6ft. under hehehe.  I simply decided to live my life, if he was still there with me, THEN all right!  Been 7 years now... lol  can you believe that?  hehehe... I can't... I honestly thought our marriage was over...I was wrong... heeeeeeeee hawwwwwwwwwww!

hugs Stayed 
Married 39yrs.
Reconciled July 5, 2006

"Don't be so open minded your brains fall out".  by Stephen A. Kallis, Jr.
"We believe marriage is sacred, but it is not our job to save marriages; it is our goal to empower each of you to save your own marriage."

Stayed Husband Letter
The Hero's Spouse Mission Statement
Survival Instructions for Newbies
The Mentor Program
LBS SCRIPT

Offline riverbirch

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Re: Guilt vs Remorse #2
« Reply #27 on: August 23, 2013, 03:45:47 PM »
7 years. That is so awesome. :)
Me 51
H (whatever he is) 53
D for financial reasons March 2012
Started seeing massive change over the summer 2012
Left end of October 2012
Started coming home thanksgiving 2013
Home now. March 2014
Believe ow is gone
Probably going through this for years
OW discovered Oct.23,2013,old GF from before we met at the age of 16!
Left again Oct. 20 2015
Came back two weeks later
Still here 01/17 not done yet

Offline 31andcounting

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Re: Guilt vs Remorse #2
« Reply #28 on: August 24, 2013, 07:43:15 AM »
Stayed it seems like H wants to make me happy. Always planning something fun or somewhere to go?? He always was a planner(except when he was deep in the tunnel for a year+) but this seems different. Not sure what to make of it?? When I said what happens when we just have "real life" and he answered "this is real life. We are only 54 so why not?" I'm not complaining but I do find myself "thinking" about why way too much! ! My issue.....maybe its part of his processing. Doesn't feel like avoidance like before. He seems more content with whatever the activity is. I feel sometimes it is remorse by action.
31
Hurting people hurt people :(

Offline Trustandlove

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Re: Guilt vs Remorse #2
« Reply #29 on: August 27, 2013, 11:47:35 PM »
I've read that basic guilt vs remorse piece many times during this extremely long mess, and the one thing that continues to  jump out at me is

Quote
They feel guilt, then they figure, in for a penny, in for a pound.  So they compound it.  Then they get angry, because we are MAKING them feel guilty.

My H has articulated feeling guilty; unfortunately he hasn't moved beyond that.  I do see him continuing to be angry; actually much more so now than in the earlier years.    And now that anger is being directed towards our children as well. 

The other thing he has articulated is point 4 of that list:

Quote
"stop making me feel bad for what I did" 

This basic list really does say it all about so much. 

And yes, I continue to wish that there was something someone could do to move him out of guilt and to remorse.  We all do. 

 

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