collapse-peacocks

Author Topic: Mirror-Work Resources: Mirror Work & Paving the Way  (Read 43866 times)

Offline StillStanding

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2139
  • Gender: Male
Mirror-Work Re: Resources: Self-Focus & Paving the Way
« Reply #50 on: October 03, 2013, 05:28:31 AM »
HeyJude posted this article elsewhere and I didn't want it to get lost. It has helpful tips on dealing with your MLCer's drama and helping to gain detachment.

Don’t Respond to Drama and Drama Won’t Come Back Around
Me: 45, Her: 40. Married 16 1/2 years, together(-ish) 20.
Status: BD 8/25/09, she moved out 8/28/10. No talk of D.

Every day is another chance to get it right.
http://www.vachss.com/mission/behavior.html

"Counting days won't buy us years" —Wings by HAERTS
"Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past."  —Lily Tomlin
"When we commit to our lovers, we implicitly promise to forgive them. There is no other way we can live with someone for better or worse or until death do us part." —Dr. Frederic Luskin

Offline I reckon so

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 64
  • Gender: Male
Re: Resources: Self-Focus & Paving the Way
« Reply #51 on: December 21, 2013, 09:59:56 AM »
HB, I really get a lot out of your post. You have a great deal of wisdom and insight and you put your thoughts down very well. I am wondering if you could share with the how the Lord gave you the assurance of the outcome in the beginning? Through prayer and reading the scriptures the Lord has prepared me along this journey. For me, BD was January, 2013. My W moved out in November, 2013. The main place that the Lord has, I feel, spoken to me through in the scriptures ends in redemption and reconciliation. All the things that I feel He has prepared me for have happened. In hindsight I believe He was speaking to me about her eventually leaving. In my heart way deep down, I just don't feel like it is over even though she left and has filed for D. If you are able to, could you share how you knew?

Thanks, IRS

Offline StillStanding

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2139
  • Gender: Male
Re: Resources: Self-Focus & Paving the Way
« Reply #52 on: December 26, 2013, 09:36:07 PM »
Unfortunately, HB left this site a while back and no longer posts here.

If I knew the answer to your question, I'd gladly share it...
Me: 45, Her: 40. Married 16 1/2 years, together(-ish) 20.
Status: BD 8/25/09, she moved out 8/28/10. No talk of D.

Every day is another chance to get it right.
http://www.vachss.com/mission/behavior.html

"Counting days won't buy us years" —Wings by HAERTS
"Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past."  —Lily Tomlin
"When we commit to our lovers, we implicitly promise to forgive them. There is no other way we can live with someone for better or worse or until death do us part." —Dr. Frederic Luskin

Offline BB64

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2231
  • Gender: Female
  • Don't believe everything you think.
Re: Resources: Self-Focus & Paving the Way
« Reply #53 on: December 28, 2013, 06:42:45 AM »
HB, I really get a lot out of your post. You have a great deal of wisdom and insight and you put your thoughts down very well. I am wondering if you could share with the how the Lord gave you the assurance of the outcome in the beginning? Through prayer and reading the scriptures the Lord has prepared me along this journey. For me, BD was January, 2013. My W moved out in November, 2013. The main place that the Lord has, I feel, spoken to me through in the scriptures ends in redemption and reconciliation. All the things that I feel He has prepared me for have happened. In hindsight I believe He was speaking to me about her eventually leaving. In my heart way deep down, I just don't feel like it is over even though she left and has filed for D. If you are able to, could you share how you knew?

Thanks, IRS

You sound like you do know. Don't question why. I know too and have always done, even now that he has sent me into the depth of nowhere.
If you are filled with confidence that your w will come back but you are not sure why you do know...you have answered your own question  ;)
'Nothing worth having comes easy'
BD oct 1st 2012. 2 teens- 2 Dogs. Together 16 years, not married. No OW in sight. Foo issues a go-go.

Offline I reckon so

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 64
  • Gender: Male
Re: Resources: Self-Focus & Paving the Way
« Reply #54 on: December 30, 2013, 08:09:14 AM »
Quote
You sound like you do know. Don't question why. I know too and have always done, even now that he has sent me into the depth of nowhere.
If you are filled with confidence that your w will come back but you are not sure why you do know...you have answered your own question  ;)

Thanks Booboo, I guess the truth is that I am afraid to really let go and believe that she will come home someday. When will someday be, what will she be like, what will our marriage be like, what if I believe and she never does? I have had no problem believing the negative things would happen, crazy isn't it? One evening while winding down football practice for my sons team, I felt impressed by the Lord to give Him the night in prayer. About midnight as I was out walking and praying I suddenly felt this thought flood into my consciousness. The thought was that my W had just stepped onto a road that would lead to an affair. It was very sobering to say the least. As I thought about what I felt the Lord spoke to me and all of the emotions I was feeling at the time, I felt that the Lord was also asking me what would I do. If that was to happen, would I forgive her and be willing to reconcile? I feel the Lord revealed that to me and gave me the decision to make. I settled that night that I would forgive her if she did. I don't know if she has had a PR or not or if she will, but I have already committed to forgiveness and R. I Know the Lord is working in me just as much as He is working in her and both of our roads will not be easy. I pray everyday that He give me the opportunity to deal with the hurt and shame and be able to offer unconditional love and forgiveness to my W someday and that our family is back together again.

IRS
« Last Edit: October 20, 2017, 06:13:01 AM by OldPilot »

Offline StillStanding

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2139
  • Gender: Male
Re: Resources: Self-Focus & Paving the Way
« Reply #55 on: January 18, 2014, 09:42:38 PM »
From the thread on boundaries and consequences:

http://www.leslievernick.com/2013/12/23/more-clarity-on-boundaries-and-consequences/

Quote
Boundaries in relationships help us take ownership: One of the biggest problems in maintaining healthy relationships is the lack of ownership. We don’t take ownership of our own feelings. We are not authentic. Instead we placate, please, pretend or pass off responsibility saying things like “It’s your fault I feel so mad.”

We also don’t typically own our own wrong-doing and confess it. Instead we blame-shift, minimize, rationalize, lie and make excuses. And we don’t want to own our own limitations. Instead we over-function and end up feeling like victims (telling ourselves that we had no choice) or resentful martyrs (because we said yes when we wanted to say no).

Having a clear understanding of our boundaries changes that. Boundaries help us own OUR feelings, OUR thoughts, OUR needs, OUR desires, OUR beliefs, values, and attitudes, OUR behaviours, and OUR words. They are 100%, ours. Our boundaries help clarify what we have to work on (ourselves), and that we are not responsible to manage the thoughts, feelings, values, words, or behaviours or another adult person anymore than we are responsible to manage what they put into their mouth to eat.
Me: 45, Her: 40. Married 16 1/2 years, together(-ish) 20.
Status: BD 8/25/09, she moved out 8/28/10. No talk of D.

Every day is another chance to get it right.
http://www.vachss.com/mission/behavior.html

"Counting days won't buy us years" —Wings by HAERTS
"Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past."  —Lily Tomlin
"When we commit to our lovers, we implicitly promise to forgive them. There is no other way we can live with someone for better or worse or until death do us part." —Dr. Frederic Luskin

Offline Musica

  • Moderator
  • *
  • Posts: 4268
  • Gender: Female
Re: Resources: Self-Focus & Paving the Way
« Reply #56 on: January 27, 2014, 07:00:08 AM »
A resource to help when you are having a bad day ...  5 mins and 38 seconds that could help you 

http://www.upworthy.com/having-a-bad-day-heres-46-powerful-things-you-should-really-hear?c=upw1


Hope it helps someone xxxx

Offline Musica

  • Moderator
  • *
  • Posts: 4268
  • Gender: Female
Re: Resources
« Reply #57 on: January 29, 2014, 05:00:45 AM »
A resource to improve self-esteem ..for women

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uWi5iXnguTU

And for men ..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aTAn-tk2pDA

Hope I am posting these in the right place!!  They are heavily based on Christianity ... but still give a good message to those of other faith, or those who do not believe in any faith!

xxx

« Last Edit: January 29, 2014, 05:13:20 AM by Musica »


 

Legal Disclaimer
The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.
Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.
This disclaimer is also included in the Forum's Registration Agreement.