Author Topic: Interacting with Your MLCer Resources: Standing Actions  (Read 24986 times)

Offline StillStanding

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Interacting with Your MLCer Re: Resources: Standing Actions
« Reply #20 on: September 30, 2011, 08:06:48 AM »
http://www.divorcebusting.com/blog/how-long-does-it-take-to-save-or-improve-your-marriage/

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While it is true that some people do experience immediate changes in their relationships, it’s also true that, in most marriages, change takes much longer.  How much longer? It depends on many factors: the severity of the problems, personalities of the spouses, length of time people have been experiencing difficulties, each spouse’s level of motivation to do what it takes to make a marriage work, outside influences from extended family and friends, and the level of both partners’ problem-solving skills.  Every marriage is different.

But the consistent message I’ve gotten from those in the trenches is that patience is not only a virtue, it’s an absolute necessity.  Resign yourself to the fact that improving your marriage might take weeks rather than days, or months rather than weeks.  This will help you avoid becoming disappointed if results aren’t as immediate as you had hoped.  Furthermore, you need to know that you can expect your good days and your bad days, good weeks and bad weeks.  Sometimes, you’ll feel as if you are really out of the woods, and then a day later, you’ll feel as though you are back to square one.  That’s how change happens.  You must expect these hills and valleys and teach yourself not to get despondent.  Resist feeling sorry for yourself.  Just remember that, chances are, tomorrow will be a better day.

You also need to keep in mind that even if you’ve been doing everything right, your spouse is likely to be suspicious if you’ve changed a great deal.  S/he might think that you are just putting on an act to try to win him/her over.  This is natural, and if your spouse expresses this doubt, don’t be reactive.  Just quietly tell your partner that is the new you, and that you plan on remaining this new person no matter what happens to your marriage.  Reassure your spouse that you can fully understand his/her skepticism.  As long as you keep on track, your spouse will eventually see that this is the “new you,” and not some impostor.

The bottom line is that you should take comfort in the fact that you are being proactive about improving your marriage.  Even if you have a ways to go, at least you’ve started the journey, and that’s more than a lot of people can say.
Me: 45, Her: 40. Married 16 1/2 years, together(-ish) 20.
Status: BD 8/25/09, she moved out 8/28/10. No talk of D.

Every day is another chance to get it right.
http://www.vachss.com/mission/behavior.html

"Counting days won't buy us years" —Wings by HAERTS
"Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past."  —Lily Tomlin
"When we commit to our lovers, we implicitly promise to forgive them. There is no other way we can live with someone for better or worse or until death do us part." —Dr. Frederic Luskin

Offline StillStanding

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Re: Resources: Standing Actions
« Reply #21 on: October 18, 2011, 05:46:30 PM »
This is just a handy tip: when my wife started her touch and goes, I started a calendar on my smartphone.

When we have a particularly good exchange, like meeting for lunch or if she just drops by to visit, I make a note on the calendar. It helps sometimes to look back over the past few months and see the red flags becoming more frequent...
Me: 45, Her: 40. Married 16 1/2 years, together(-ish) 20.
Status: BD 8/25/09, she moved out 8/28/10. No talk of D.

Every day is another chance to get it right.
http://www.vachss.com/mission/behavior.html

"Counting days won't buy us years" —Wings by HAERTS
"Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past."  —Lily Tomlin
"When we commit to our lovers, we implicitly promise to forgive them. There is no other way we can live with someone for better or worse or until death do us part." —Dr. Frederic Luskin

Offline WarriorPriestess

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Re: Resources: Standing Actions
« Reply #22 on: October 18, 2011, 05:53:02 PM »
I also kept notes in my day planner on encounters with my H starting after BD.  I slacked off a bit after the first year (jeez!) but am trying to get back into it now.  I note things like date, time, length of interaction, means of contact, anything new or relevant, his mood, etc.  It does help to look back and see things in B&W, and it doesn't have to be a lot of writing.  I usually just jot down a few key words, or even draw a happy or sad face.  Sometimes our memories can be tricky.
"Through dangers untold and hardships unnumbered, I have fought my way here to the castle beyond the Goblin City.  For my will is as strong as yours, and my kingdom as great.  You have no power over me."

Offline StillStanding

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Re: Resources: Standing Actions
« Reply #23 on: October 18, 2011, 07:22:17 PM »
I don't go that far; IMO, chronicling her state of mind doesn't help my situation. It leads to anticipation, which leads to expectations.

I note the time and date and what it was: lunch, visit, going to see mutual friends, etc. I only do this for the positive interactions (not that there have been a lot of negative interactions of late) because I want to see the bright spots when I look back.
Me: 45, Her: 40. Married 16 1/2 years, together(-ish) 20.
Status: BD 8/25/09, she moved out 8/28/10. No talk of D.

Every day is another chance to get it right.
http://www.vachss.com/mission/behavior.html

"Counting days won't buy us years" —Wings by HAERTS
"Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past."  —Lily Tomlin
"When we commit to our lovers, we implicitly promise to forgive them. There is no other way we can live with someone for better or worse or until death do us part." —Dr. Frederic Luskin

Offline StillStanding

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Re: Resources: Standing Actions
« Reply #24 on: January 18, 2012, 11:31:23 AM »
I don't know if this should be under Standing Actions or Self-Focus (or is just completely off-topic), but if your MLCer has moved out or is filing for divorce and you need to get a handle on your finances, Mint.com is a free website/service. I've only been using it for a couple of days, but I like it so far.

http://mint.com/

You can enter your online banking information and it will help you record expenses, plan budgets and track investments. It can also do email and/or text alerts for low bank balances, large transactions, bill pay notifications, etc. (It can also offer general financial advice (like refinancing your mortgage if your interest rate is high) and refer you to financial services, which is where I suspect it makes its money.)
Me: 45, Her: 40. Married 16 1/2 years, together(-ish) 20.
Status: BD 8/25/09, she moved out 8/28/10. No talk of D.

Every day is another chance to get it right.
http://www.vachss.com/mission/behavior.html

"Counting days won't buy us years" —Wings by HAERTS
"Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past."  —Lily Tomlin
"When we commit to our lovers, we implicitly promise to forgive them. There is no other way we can live with someone for better or worse or until death do us part." —Dr. Frederic Luskin

Offline Mamma Bear

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Re: Resources: Standing Actions
« Reply #25 on: April 13, 2012, 12:41:45 PM »
  RCR  The Limbo article is under the Doubt and Confusion Article in the Standing Actions and Articles. Not sure about Awakening. ???  I do need coffee though that would be an awakening. ::) :P ;D

Offline StillStanding

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Re: Resources: Standing Actions
« Reply #26 on: June 25, 2013, 08:27:23 AM »
From their page:
Quote
Marriage Friendly Therapists is the only Pro-Commitment, Experience Required Marriage Counseling Resource in the Nation.

http://www.marriagefriendlytherapists.com/

This will be a good place to start looking for a marriage counselor when the time comes for reconciliation; some of them may be willing to see individual spouses as well.
Me: 45, Her: 40. Married 16 1/2 years, together(-ish) 20.
Status: BD 8/25/09, she moved out 8/28/10. No talk of D.

Every day is another chance to get it right.
http://www.vachss.com/mission/behavior.html

"Counting days won't buy us years" —Wings by HAERTS
"Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past."  —Lily Tomlin
"When we commit to our lovers, we implicitly promise to forgive them. There is no other way we can live with someone for better or worse or until death do us part." —Dr. Frederic Luskin

Offline OldPilot

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Re: Resources: Standing Actions
« Reply #27 on: September 02, 2013, 09:35:02 AM »
I have just edited post #5 on this thread as I unearthed the author of The Lighthouse Post and she also made another post called "Be Still"

You can read it at the bottom of post #5 here.

Offline Shadow

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Re: Resources: Standing Actions
« Reply #28 on: September 03, 2013, 07:22:11 PM »
I keep hearing detach......but how do you detach if your committed to Standing????

answered on your thread.
« Last Edit: September 03, 2013, 07:38:15 PM by Anjae »
When a train goes through a tunnel, you don't throw away the ticket and jump off. You sit still and trust the engineer......I am the engineer to my marriage.

 

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