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Our Community / Re: The Heart Of The Matter
« Last post by stillbaffled on Today at 09:51:58 PM »
So glad you had a nice time in Vegas with family, FW.

We did an escape room in Portland last October.  There were five of us and we loved it!  I would most certainly do it again. 

I've not seen a Covenant truck but I'll pay more attention to those semis now.   ;)
Our Community / Re: New Beginnings
« Last post by stillbaffled on Today at 09:26:36 PM »

I also have occasional dreams about my MLCer.  I hope they go away soon. 
Our Community / Re: Slow Learner
« Last post by SmilingthroughIt on Today at 09:11:40 PM »
Lots of support for you...
I have a great friend who has helped me on the outside...He has suggested that I read a book.
You mentioned God.
Here is the link...I searched hard for it, because I have already read it, then passed the book on. So I wanted to read it again.
This is the link :

It really is a good book...It's very long..It will take up some of your time...

Sending hugs your way

Our Community / Re: Slow Learner
« Last post by Schratz66 on Today at 08:44:29 PM »
I am humbled by all your comments. I did not contact him because a herd of angels had my back.
There wouldn’t have been any point in asking him. Faith walker - what a powerful video - thank you for the link.
This has just eroded my confidence in everything. My confidence in myself, in my marriage, in love, in life, in God, in what to do or not.
Just messaged my pastor to discuss how to deal with my questioning of Gods will and way.
I am like the lost sheep right now blindly stumbling through the dark.

Thank you for catching me once again when I was falling. I can never repay the support, love and kindness every single one of you has shown me.

Thank you
Our Community / Re: Just smile, nod, and say Mmhmm.
« Last post by Kitty on Today at 08:43:00 PM »
Hi BP. I'm not sure, it may be a combination. I noticed before the meds he was getting a touch more irritable, but once he got on the meds it stopped. Along with everything else, but that could be the MLC too.

I have no idea what he's doing over there, but his magical new life may not be working for him at all. I think he is still hoping for a quick fix, even though he has told me that he knows it's going to take a while.

I think it's only a matter of time before he Monsters at me, in that case I will go Dark, which might as well be NC because we don't have anything that needs to be discussed between us.

Who knows, he may decide to take his meds tomorrow, even though he said he wasn't going to for the weekend since he was going to be home.

It's nice not to be a puddle on the floor. H has seemed surprised with me the last couple times we've seen each other, and he's commented on how well I seem to be doing.

Oh well, he is where he wanted to be.

I never did find out the reason why I was so focused on H and OW today. I said some really mean things driving around with S today. That is never good. I apologized to him. Told him that I was just in a place that I'm fighting hard to get out of.
I stayed busy today. My BF invited me to dinner tonight and my parents wanted me to stop over. So I did both while S has been gone all day.
I am struggling, not emotionally struggling, but just struggling. I'm in "Fix" it mode trying to come up with reasons or things to do that might help him.
I know that I should be focused on myself.
I know that this is not my issue to fix. He is just really distant. Even the text message I got was short. It went from really sincere to not so sincere within 4 days.
My mind is all over the place tonight and I'm just not sure why.
I guess it's the overwhelming need to know again.
I'm finding that I miss him today.
Our Community / Re: If you love something, set it free....
« Last post by hopeandfaith on Today at 08:34:35 PM »
Treasur, we don't have any Easter bookings as such so nothing needed to be cancelled.  We can decide to go/not go the day before if we want to.  I told him that we won't go if he is still in contact with her.  There has been no further conversation until today when I re-iterated my stance and asked him to let me know by next weekend if he will want to go - that is, unless he already knows now.  He said he didn't but I honestly think that is more because he wanted to avoid a difficult conversation than because he will actually break contact with her before then.  An indicator of this was when he asked if we would go by ourselves.  I said no, its a team sport.  Its too heavy and it would be too sad without him.  Made me angry that he is trying to work out a win/win....for him.

The whole conversation had a bit of a flat line to it.  I told him that I wanted to go to the river with 'my person' and someone who is telling someone else that they love them is not 'my person'.  I probably shouldn't have worded it like that because he said he didn't know how to be my person.  That just sounded ridiculous to me because he does a firetrucking good job of pretending to be my person when he wants to.  He is scared of doing it again.  Blah blah, OMG blah.  I said 'well you usually get exactly what you want so what you are showing me is what you want'.

I can feel another dim contact coming on after next weekend when he has to have had some sort of difficult conversation with one of us.  I am actually a bit curious to see what he will say because he usually finds a way to surprise me and come up with something I wasn't expecting.  I did ask him who is keeping the contact going more, him or her.  He said they both are.  I know he told me last week that his text didn't really reflect his feelings but I told him that those words had been slapping me in the face all week because there is no way to wrap that that is palatable to me.  Especially because he was sober when he sent it.  Our LBS training teaches us that he is actually not lying when he says that but what it did show me was that he was trying to keep her sweet and on the back burner while he was away with me.  Which is disgustingly manipulative.

H has been reasonably consistent with contact this week.  I checked the phone bill for the first time in months this weekend to try and get a read on their level of contact.  They are still in phone contact daily.  Looks like good morning texts and good night texts by the timing plus texts in between.  They probably talk daily because it doesn't show her calls to him.  He is still behaving like she is 'his person'.

I am just so damn frustrated.  I want to shake him and then tell him to firetruck off and mean it.  I am mad at myself and I feel helpless.  So yeah, all the usual LBS emotions.  I am looking forward to Monday so that he can go away again and be out of my orbit.
Our Community / Re: Still Feeding The Good Wolf
« Last post by OffRoad on Today at 08:33:56 PM »
Following along.

I have heard you reference the "rule of 3" a few times and I don't know what it is.  Could you tell me?  xoxo
Before doing anything, wait 3 minutes, 3 hours, 3 days. If you get a text, you don't have to respond right away. Let the phone go to voicemail. Don't answer the email immediately. Let whatever it is sit with you for a while then you can respond (if you decide to do so), but not react.

As an example, my divorce papers came back from the court needing some more fixes. The facilitator was supposed to catch it, but didn't, and called both H and me and said the papers were coming back. I already had them in my hot little hand, fixed what was wrong, and took them back to the courthouse the next morning, where they will go through the stack again and maybe come back out finished in three more months. Four days after the facilitator called us, H finally contacts me and says "Please send me what the court sent you." It's been a week and I haven't responded. Why? No reason to. He'll get a copy when it's complete. If it had been SOOOO important to him, he'd have called right away, but he didn't. Normally I would have responded to his text right away, but I waited three minutes. Then I decided to wait three days. I'm working on deciding if I want to respond in three weeks right now. But I get to choose.
Our Community / Re: There are no dead ends when you have 4 wheel drive
« Last post by OffRoad on Today at 08:23:55 PM »
Thank you Thunder, SB. Physical Therapy, exercise, just keep on moving is the general plan, until I can't move anymore. I do find when I work in the yard, it hurts at the time, but feels so much better afterwards. Sitting is an absolute killer, so I may have to add a reminder to my email program to tell me to get up and move.

I discovered some really fascinating things while watching people on horses knock each other down with big sticks, observing Native American Dancers, and driving through Yosemite last weekend.  (went to a Celtic Faire in Northern CA with jousting and Native American Dancing).

The native American Dancers were given a very small place for their performance. No one complained.
They burned sage before the performance. No one in the audience complained (unheard of in Southern CA)
I watched a man politely request the lead dancer stop for a picture with his wife who was wheelchair bound. The picture was happily granted.
I heard the man tell another member of his group that he would do anything in his power to get his wife what she wanted.
I told the man he was awesome and he responded with "You are awesome for saying that."
I didn't run into a single person who thought their time was more important than my time.

I did run into people who thought it was more important make an entire row of people in bleachers stand up and move out of the way in order to throw away trash right away. I'm not sure what I think about that. It wasn't malicious. But brings me to the person I traveled with and my observations.

I went with a friend whose entire day was spent asking and thinking about what out next meal was going to be. Somehow she could eat three times the food I had for breakfast, and be hungry two hours later. I wasn't sure what to think about that, either.

Same friend-I had a fascinating realization about individual realities. At home, she lives in squalor (blames it on her brother, who she lives with, but her room is no better) There is actually a rat running around in the mess in the living room (think hoarders level 3.5 to 4). While at the hotel (at home, too), she could not use the same towel twice, but I didn't know that. I could not understand why she was so upset when there were two towels for each of us, and two hand towels for two days. She needed a bath towel for her body and a hand towel for her hair for each day. Assumed I did, too. So there were not enough towels. When I explained I used the same towel several days in a row (I'm clean when I get out of the shower, is my take on it) and did not use a hand towel for my hair, she could not understand it. I said "You're OK with a rat in your living room. I wouldn't be. We each have our own things we accept and do. But if I don't know what you need, I can't help you get it. You can't assume I want or need the same things you do." I also forgot, she does not travel like I do. We just had to pick up the phone and order more towels if she needed more. But she didn't know that. We've been friends for over 20 years, traveled once before together, and I did not know that about her.

Same friend at breakfast. We were talking juice. I said I preferred grape juice, but they didn't have any so orange juice was good, too. She said she didn't like grapefruit juice because it was too bitter. I said, "No, grape juice." she said "I know, grapefruit juice is too bitter for me, but I like the actual grapefruit..." and launched into this long dissertation on how exactly you had to cut the grapefruit so it wouldn't be bitter. I once again said, "I'm talking about grape juice." She said, "Yes, but grapefruit juice is just bitter to me." I finally said, "No, grapes. The little purple round things that are in a bunch and grow on vines." She looked at me like she had just seen me for the first time that morning and said, "I can't believe we just had that conversation."

It brought to the forefront that we each have our own realities. And sometimes create realities that are not based on actual reality, but our perception of what is going on.

I had a wonderful woman with Multiple Sclerosis offer me the chair she was sitting on because she could see I was in pain.
I drove through trees in the sunshine with snow on the ground, and watched waterfalls created by the snow melt, and felt that sense of awe I get when I am reminded that nature will have her way. (My friend could not touch the snow with her hands because it was 'dirty'. Also something I didn't know, and wondered how I didn't. Could these be new or different behaviors?)
We missed Sequoia because it it was more important to my friend to get to the hotel and get dinner. This was OK with me since I have seen Sequoia many times, but she had not. I wasn't sure what to think about that, either, but accepted it as what she wanted.

Next morning, at breakfast, after two days of my friend saying she couldn't eat eggs couldn't stand to smell them, didn't like them, she's eating eggs. I asked "Why are you eating eggs if you don't like them?" Her answer? "Filler." She already had waffles and french toast and bacon and sausage and yogurt and potatoes and some kind of muffin. Eggs as "filler"? I still don't know what to think about that. That was just weird. What I don't get is that what she did didn't affect me, but it left me with a weird feeling that I can't pinpoint. Like I was in the twilight zone where things didn't make sense all the time. Almost like what happened with H before BD, where he would do things out of character, then act like it was normal.

It was a most interesting weekend. I'm still mentally chewing on some of it, remembering the joy of a lot of it, and bringing home to myself how much I prefer no drama and no crazy. Today I feel like I have the energy to sort things out, and move forward. I'll take that for today.

Funny Mr Flirty story. We had a conversation that finished up with what should have been a good natured eye roll. Instead, he burps. I look at him like What the heck? and he says "And that's all I have to say about that."  ::)
Our Community / Re: Just smile, nod, and say Mmhmm.
« Last post by bipolared on Today at 08:22:29 PM »
Probably part of it is the meds but I also wonder if he is getting frustrated with his magical new life?  He didn’t get instant happiness and you aren’t a puddle on the floor.  At least he isn’t monstering at you so much as he is whining to you.

Good for you to leave him to it and not get sucked into his funk.
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