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Our Community / Re: Beauty into Beast 5
« Last post by FaithWalker on Today at 06:35:52 PM »
Interesting conversation with your H after the school conference.  I bet that card that his D wrote had him majorly thinky.  Too bad that isn't enough to make them snap out of it.   :(

Funny about the old boyfriend.  Most likely MLC.  Had that happen to me 2 months after D.  DF mentioned the same thing on her thread.

Wow, Beast and MIL are not in a happy place.  Not surprised there.
Our Community / Re: Reassembling - finding pieces I thought I lost
« Last post by FaithWalker on Today at 05:59:40 PM »
DF had an old boyfriend pop up too, seems within days of her D.  Mine did the same 2 months after the D.  It's funny how we can spot MLC now.  Funny, not funny.
Our Community / Re: Trying to figure things out...
« Last post by SmilingthroughIt on Today at 05:51:55 PM »
Don't do it...From experience...Don't do it...I promise you will thank yourself. It doesn't matter what you say, how you say it. She will then believe she is the "winner". That you gave up and she really isn't going to care. All she cares about is that your H is far away from you. So what will that accomplish? What purpose will it serve? None. It just gets you even more upset.
Trust me..I had a 45 minute conversation with the OW and all it did was to make her believe that because he has so many problems, (she believed marriage problems) that she could manipulate him even more. Which happened and well, he isn't here. IMHO sending anything to her is just not worth it.
If you do send it, this will just backfire as well. Your H will believe nothing that you say and will turn to the OW even more.
Write it out on paper. Everything..Everything you feel and think. Then just burn it. Get up and go do something.
H strung me along as well. The things he said and did, all the while I thought that OW was gone. She wasn't. He even said to me "don't you think she's moved on by now"..ya no. Because he knew she wasn't going anywhere. The lies they tell.

Give yourself a 30 second hate thought then let it go. It's not worth it beyond 30 seconds.
Yes emotionally, it is so difficult to detach. It sucks. But start thinking about yourself. Do something for you. Walk, bike, cook, read...Anything that will get your focus off of your H and OW and let it be.

Trust me...You are the Queen...You are married to him.....So be the queen....Just keep that in mind...
« Last post by Watcher on Today at 05:44:39 PM »
Hi Mortesbride.

It has been a rough week. She destroyed me on Thursday night but it took me a bit to get it. She needs me to go away and reallistically I should have 2 weeks ago when she had her outburst.

Its Saturday and I have rebounded so it doesn't take me too long to rebound. I understand she is in a lot of pain and only one of us is capable of being mature so it will always fall on me.

I don't like leaving however it serves the greater good. She needs me gone. She is deeply enthralled in her obsession with OM and her husband is in the house. So she attempted to emotionally annihilate me. She will never annihilate me as there will never be anything close to BD again, however she did hurt me.

Every encounter serves a purpose. The last 6 months taught me that I can live with her, I can forgive her and I can move past this episode of our lives. My emotions are under check for the most part. It was the best 6 months during the crisis living with her for me.  It also taught me that she is just not ready for me at all. She is still not ready for herself.

So hopefully with me gone she will feel less pressure, work on herself, and be comfortable around our son's and her parents. Again I have to be the mature one.

Now I was fine with all of our Monster episodes over the past 6 months but she did bring tears to my eyes Thursday night so that is a good indicator that it was time to leave.

I don't know what the future holds but I don't want her to permanently kill my feelings in the process and she is getting pretty close to it. I don't want her to kill my feelings for women in general. Ok that won't ever happen, lol, but just in case.  ;)

I agree its the guilt. Straight up lying to my face and trying to convince me everything is in my head. The evidence that continually falls into my lap says otherwise and she knows it.

So I'm away, I'm still alive, she still has even more guilt now, and she will still be angry with me. I have " abandoned" the family.  ::)

Yep, the pressure is just going to be there.

Our Community / Re: Trying to figure things out...
« Last post by DaybyDay1 on Today at 05:23:46 PM »
I thought I was emotionally detaching, but turns out I am not.  Things took a turn for the worse this week.  H has been gone in Detroit working for almost the last month.  I have a few valid reasons to believe he did not leave for the trip when he originally said.  I may have snooped which I know is the downfall for anyone going through this crap with an MCLer.

Anyway, of course he lies and says I'm crazy.  Maybe I am, who knows.  He called me last night and we talked for over an hour.  During the conversation I asked him if he is still involved with OW.  He said there is no relationship right now but he doesn't know if he wants to be with her or not.  That was enough for me.  I told him today that I am filing and we've been having a huge text fight.  He is not against me filing, but he is saying how he will fight me tooth and nail and will not "roll over" to give me everything I want.  I told him I don't care.  I'm asking for half of everything which is required by law.  We've also made some very personal DVD recordings over the year if you know what I mean and I found out he's taken those too.  I am so pissed off!  He said he doesn't trust what I will do with them, but I don't trust him either.  I think they need to be destroyed in front of both of us but he keeps dodging the question.

I so want to text the OW and tell her that he is all hers.  I have it written out in my notes on my phone and really want to send it.  My sister says it's a bad idea.  It probably is, but this is what I want to send:

I have had enough of H's lies so I am filing for divorce.  My suspicions have been confirmed that he has been stringing you along, but I'm guessing you didn't know he's been doing the same with me.  He is truly conflicted over who he wants to be with and I will not play along with that game.  You can be his backup plan and spend your time worrying if he really wanted to be with me or if your relationship can last.  He will tell you everything you want to hear, but when you realize he also lies to you too let me know and I will show you my text messages that prove it.

I know contacting the OW is a bad idea if you want to salvage your relationship, but is a bad idea if you want to plant seeds of doubt?  Probably yes.  Please, somebody tell me not to send it before I do and make a fool of myself
Our Community / Re: Is he or isn't he in mlc
« Last post by xyzcf on Today at 05:22:55 PM »
I blame myself for this and it has prolonged the crisis I feel also.

I honestly do not think that we can prolong their crisis. Indeed, my gut feeling tells me that "if" they ever were to consider coming home, it would be because they know that we are willing to forgive and accept them.

But there are many theories about this which have been hotly discussed.

I do believe that it is not a good idea to try to convince them or pursue them. Leave them alone...I have seen many return home when their crisis is over, or at least there is a change in them not resenting us or seeing us as the problem. Indeed, there are MLCers who have actually stayed in the same home for years, and have eventually turned the corner in their crisis and are reconnecting. Each situation is different.

My therapist, who I really do respect, did make the following comment about the clinging boomeranger that was my husband ( would not call him that anymore)...she said that he has a pacifier, and he comes to xyzcf for his pacifier fix..when he gets that, he leaves, happy with it...but it drains me. She said he will never face up to his stuff until either he stops coming to me for his "fix" or I stop allowing it.

It is always something that tears me apart. Jesus tells me to "love one another" and "forgive seventy times seven" priest tells me that it is ok to have boundaries, and certainly my husband's involvement with other women has always been my boundary..although it is not for other LBSers.

I think rippedapart, that as long as I feel I am living my morals and values the way that I trust and believe in, then that is the right thing for me. I did try on a few occasions to facilitate a better relationship between him and our daughter, by including him in some of the family activities but I think it was BBhelp who made the point that until he wishes to be a family, he doesn't get to participate in our family events.

However, he is an only child, his parents are deceased and our daughter is an only child. This is NOT the way families are supposed to be, not the way either of us were brought up.

My husband is not a healthy man, his work is quite stressful and he is also addicted to his fear has always been that not being kind to him or open to him, if anything happens to him...I would feel tremendous guilt. I do not want that on my shoulders.

There are no real clear cut answers to the interaction we have with our spouses.  For several years now, I answer him when he initiates contact with me. I have stopped initiating contact except for certain things that have remain constant since he left...he buys me lovely gifts for my birthday and Christmas still. We remember the anniversaries of the deaths of our parents.

I see him as being "ill" and thus cannot completely turn my back to him..that is just me and I am fine with that.

I do not believe that we can entice them, they must be ready to commit to us, to understand what we have is a very difficult and fine line between loving them and being taken advantage of.

I have never stopped loving him, don't expect that I ever will....but I do need my space so that he cannot cause me the pain that there is when I know about anything his life.....

Might I add one last thought...I know LBSErs from HS who completely cut off all contact with their spouses...not even willing to wish them a Happy Mother's Day when they saw them on that holiday....their spouses, after many many years, have not made any attempt to return either. That is why I don't think what we do really has any impact at is their crisis that needs to be resolved.
Our Community / Re: Is he or isn't he in mlc
« Last post by Rippedapart on Today at 05:04:41 PM »

Xyzcf  my h stopped attending church when affair took off.  He said he asked god to help him about affair, but god didnt listen to him.  I would calmly say to him... u choose to have the affair, its up to you to stop it, not god....always projecting, everything else was my fault, still is, even though he will say its not.

When my h returned in 2017 he joined us in the gym, he woukd go 5 days a week or more and expected me to go too.  He is retired .  He would work on the garden or do sime jobs, but would never help inside the house with meals , tidying up etc and i did not like this as i felt i was being used.  I had been left alone in 2015 with a new build home , exterior work completed, I had to complete the interior and deal with contractors  etc, while preparing the old houseto sell and look after the children who were emotionally traumatised, it was quite exhausting , i dont know how i got through it but i did.

I do think we have both reached a stage where we have had enough, i wanted to keep the contact in the hope my husband would  return but instead i think my husband saw this as a way in which i was agreeing to allow the bad behaviour to continue.   I blame myself for this and it has prolonged the crisis i feel also.  I may never see or hear from him again, that makes me sad but as i told my h, we are still married we are not legally separated, he is committing adultery and he no longer can  cake eat at my expense
Our Community / Re: My life is not defined by a live-in MLCer 6
« Last post by FaithWalker on Today at 04:41:42 PM »
Just read about the shift that happened where he is sharing more.  I hope he continues to awaken.

Just remember the old saying, I love you, but don't have to like your actions right  now.  That give such comfort and strength.

I've never heard that saying, but I like it.  I can see where it could help bolster someones determination to stand.

I agree
Our Community / Re: 1 HOUR, 1 DAY, 1 WEEK, 1 MONTH Still counting up!
« Last post by sampsed on Today at 04:30:41 PM »
I am still trying to digest today.  H told me yesterday he planned on stopping by home to help me with a few things.  Remove an old chair, move some furniture and bring in a new chair.

He showed up at 12:15 and I was trying to get gs to sleep.  He dusted my tv and started to sweep.  Then he sat down and started to catch up on some recorded shows.  Once GS was asleep, he helped me move things.  The old chair was too heavy for me so we waited for SIL to come help remove it.

After that was done, H and SIL cut up a fallen tree and we all went outside to clean up debris.

They measured to get a materials list around for a new car port wall I want to install and H and SIL made plans to PAL around together Monday after SIL gets off work.

Eventually we all went out for supper and H told (not asked) me to ride with him so we didn't have to take 3 cars.  I did.  Later he brought me back home which was out of his way and I could have rode with SIL and D.

When we came back, H said he had to get going and grabbed his mail.  When he got to his car, he immediately put down his window and started talking.  Right before he pulled away he mumbled something then turned and said he would see me on Monday.

I don't get it.  It all has me so confused.  I have pretty much been ostracized for the last 4.5 mos.  Now all of a sudden he spends 5 hours at the house with me and D, SIL and GS.  D and her family were an unexpected bonus.  I was glad they were here.  Seemed like H relaxed some too when it was not just the 2 of us.  Not only was he here to visit but he also helped with some chores around the house and just some things I wanted to get done and needed help with.  Bonus is I never asked for him.  He saw my new chair and volunteered to help move it in and take out the old one.  Something and SIL and myself could have done without him.  I am glad to have had some family time together.

Next confusing things is how normal he almost seemed. He even joked at one time about taking me to the mower repair store next week for a lunch date.  It is there annual "thank you" for existing customers.  They hand out ham and cheese sandwiches and donuts to those that are invited.  His invitation came in the mail this week.  There is still something that seems a little off with him.  More reserved.  When we were out to dinner he was a tad grumpy when the waiter was not quick enough to bring his water and ketchup.  Other than that....he was fairly near normal today.  My D was even floored over how he was today and just kept saying WTF!!!

As nice as today was, my walls are up...I don't want to revisit hurt that has been laid to rest.  I am being cautious and just letting him lead in this dance.

I fully understand that tomorrow I can be public enemy #1 again in his eyes.
Our Community / Re: Is he or isn't he in mlc
« Last post by xyzcf on Today at 04:27:28 PM »
No, he is not at home. We lived out of the country when BD happened and I was "sent" back to a house we owned in the US. But I did not have any friends here other than his work acquiantances as we had not lived here very long before we went overseas for his job. He has lived in many different countries but has never lived in North America for 10 years. I have no idea how many ow's there have been but I do have proof he was, a year ago anyway still in contact with ow #1.

He did attend our daughter's graduation, wedding and a couple of her birthday celebrations...we even vacationed together a few times as a family. Looking at pictures is very telling. He is like a ghost in them. A couple of years ago, he took me to a beautiful resort for a week. I think there have been times when he is confused and that he would like me in his life...but somehow I always "fail" the test and anyway, there is no way I can pass it...for inside of himself must change.

My husband too had a strict Catholic upbringing...he still attends mass every week...we have gone to mass together as we always did for 35 years...the craziest thing in the world to kneel and pray with your husband knowing that he doesn't want to be your husband and has other women in his life.
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