Dear Heartbeat,
So sorry you are here and that you are in the midst of such pain. Your partner is in crisis. He hit a point of being so overwhelmed that his coping mechanisms failed. He fractured and reverted to the maladaptive coping tactic of running. It's very, very common on this forum to see someone do this when their partner needs them the most. Sometimes it is good pressure (new baby, new house, exciting career promotion), sometimes bad (lost job, bereavement etc). The crisis person, perhaps already burdened with their own depression, own dis-ease, seems not to be able to handle the additional needs of their partner. So, in this respect, it is true that your partner felt a 'burden' - but it is only the normal 'load' that we take on in the ebbs and flows of a mutually supporting and loving relationship. Can you reframe this? Think of it as him not being able to cope enough to keep his own mental health afloat. If he does not have enough for himself, he won't have much left for you. None of this is an excuse for bad behaviour, or the terrible choices some people make when they hit crisis, but if you can try to reframe it - that it is not about you - it will really help you start to put one foot in front of the other. Get on the path to your healing and strength, so that, if you choose to be with your partner again in the future, you are strong and able to handle the challenges of reconnecting.
The things your partner says now? Well, you can already hear that they are confused and all over the place. So many of us here heard 'I love you' one day and 'I don't the next'. My H said 'this relationship is everything I want' and the next day 'we have no future'. Now, 20 odd months in, he can't remember saying any of it. This is also common. So better not to hold onto these words, because they are like cries of pain. (Treasur calls them emotion burps
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Some other wise folks will come along and give you more input. My advice will be similar I suspect. Focus on yourself - if you can get therapy do it ASAP. Confide in a close friend or family member (try to avoid doing this with mutual friends, it gets messy), take exercise and if you are able, focus on something productive - like your business venture. Your H says you can do it, and I suspect he is right. You can. Perhaps it's too early for this, but sometimes having some positive distractions can be amazing.
Your partner cannot cope with any pressure at the moment - if you can, drop the emotional rope. Let him be, he has internal issues only he can work out on his own. It is hard - most of us will say it is the hardest thing we've ever had to endure, but if you have been reading other stories you will see, we all get through it, most of us with added strength and life skills. Perhaps it is too early for you to hear this also, but I want you to know, you will be alright. Hugs, KD