You might want to Google about DARVO.
It’s a pretty standard way that both disordered humans and small children react when they are challenged and feel uncomfortable about it. Usually bc the truth of what they’ve done is rather unpleasant. It’s not about you at all. Either punishment or reward.

Given that - as I understand it from what you have posted so far - you can’t control how he uses the money or perhaps access any of it directly yourself, do you have a plan B?

There is this question in my mind , I know it's something I have to work on.
Why am I punished by him when he is the one who messed up so so ....much.
He monsters when I catch him in a lie. Again he is the one who lied and I am made the one who gets shouted at and he turns it around

Dear Heartbeat,

Oh yeah, been there, felt that. I was in the (maybe) enviable position of being in a VERY high-stress period in my job so I could focus on that instead of the bat-snot crazy that was coming out of MLCxW's mouth in terms of revisionist history. 

Just to make the point clear in an example that this has NOTHING to do with you - If you absolutely hated eating liver and onions and going to the gym, would you REALLY eat live and onions and go to the gym every day for 7 - 8 years? Not only that, would you move to a different country, and then STILL keep eating liver and onions as well as finding a brand new gym  to join so you could go to the gym in your new place of residence? Probably not.  Just proves the point that, no matter the spew coming out now, it was NOT "always" that way.  It is what he is telling hiimself (and you) so he can justify his actions and not have to feel like the "bad guy."

Like others have said, now is the time for you to take care of you. Eating, sleeping, exercise (even if that means taking a walk in the fresh air - the Netherlands are getting a bit of a storm at the moment  I know - I am in Germany and we're getting it tomorrow), meditation/prayer/therapy - whatever suits you and fills your needs are super important at the moment.

Also, in my tagline, there is a link to the "Survival Guide" for those who have had the bomb dropped on them. In it there is LOTS of information on getting your own 2 feet firmly back under you after having the rug pulled out from under your feet.....

This is a community of people who have been through what you are going through in some fashion so you will find support here. Since we are a world-wide group, there is almost always someone online from somewhere in the world so you can likely expect someone to reply within a few hours to half a day.

In the meantime, channel your inner Tinkerbell <grin>

Dear Heartbeat,

So sorry you are here and that you are in the midst of such pain. Your partner is in crisis. He hit a point of being so overwhelmed that his coping mechanisms failed. He fractured and reverted to the maladaptive coping tactic of running. It's very, very common on this forum to see someone do this when their partner needs them the most. Sometimes it is good pressure (new baby, new house, exciting career promotion), sometimes bad (lost job, bereavement etc). The crisis person, perhaps already burdened with their own depression, own dis-ease, seems not to be able to handle the additional needs of their partner. So, in this respect, it is true that your partner felt a 'burden' - but it is only the normal 'load' that we take on in the ebbs and flows of a mutually supporting and loving relationship. Can you reframe this? Think of it as him not being able to cope enough to keep his own mental health afloat. If he does not have enough for himself, he won't have much left for you. None of this is an excuse for bad behaviour, or the terrible choices some people make when they hit crisis, but if you can try to reframe it -  that it is not about you - it will really help you start to put one foot in front of the other. Get on the path to your healing and strength, so that, if you choose to be with your partner again in the future, you are strong and able to handle the challenges of reconnecting.

The things your partner says now? Well, you can already hear that they are confused and all over the place. So many of us here heard 'I love you' one day and 'I don't the next'. My H said 'this relationship is everything I want' and the next day 'we have no future'. Now, 20 odd months in, he can't remember saying any of it. This is also common. So better not to hold onto these words, because they are like cries of pain. (Treasur calls them emotion burps )

Some other wise folks will come along and give you more input. My advice will be similar I suspect. Focus on yourself - if you can get therapy do it ASAP. Confide in a close friend or family member (try to avoid doing this with mutual friends, it gets messy), take exercise and if you are able, focus on something productive - like your business venture. Your H says you can do it, and I suspect he is right. You can. Perhaps it's too early for this, but sometimes having some positive distractions can be amazing.

Your partner cannot cope with any pressure at the moment - if you can, drop the emotional rope. Let him be, he has internal issues only he can work out on his own. It is hard - most of us will say it is the hardest thing we've ever had to endure, but if you have been reading other stories you will see, we all get through it, most of us with added strength and life skills. Perhaps it is too early for you to hear this also, but I want you to know, you will be alright. Hugs, KD

Dear Heartbeat,

There is something about discovering a level of pain you did not know that existed and being in that undiscovered country that makes you lose your way. When the one you trust and loved the most disappears and transforms into a creature you did not recognise it is fundamentally destabilising.

But yes, it has happened and they are not there anymore. I thought for years my wife was in there but I have realised she is not.

The years of resentment. Bottling up feelings builds to this place. And a level of cruelty to you that is difficult to comprehend because you did not know you have built that resentment. And the lack of any will to repair is incomprehensible.

But as hard as all that is. And it is frigging hard. There is nothing rational going on and there is nothing you can do to change that mindset of your loved one.

What you can do is it accept that is where he is and make good decisions for you. Whatever those decisions are.

But it is awful and wrong. I laughed for the first time in two years with my daughters today. I miss my wife each day but I know she is gone.

But what I am slowing building is a new life. New connections and gathering strength.

You will do that too. But somehow letting go of that person is hard.

But you have time. Use it. And also don’t throw out the good. It was there. It was real.

I wish I could do this.

I don’t think I can.
He said he loved me even as he walked away, and I don’t know how to believe that anymore. I miss so many things but he never loved me. He never cared. He never wanted me. I wasted my entire youth on someone who would turn around and call me a burden and I believe it and I want to lay down on train tracks.