[OldPilot]

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=2568.0

Continued

[RivenIN2]

Ready2Transform- Yes I to had to battle the memories of times past during that time. I was forced to look back at my own life and was somehow made to look at events from a different perspective then the one I had known. Mopst of the time it was very uncomfortable and showed me things about myself that I either hated, was embarassed about or most definitely wanted to change (or hide) about my personality. It also showed me aspects of my relationship that were terribly uncomfortable. It was driving me slowly insane and by lashing out at those around me I was able for the moment to stop the flood of images going through my mind. It was an insane answer to an insane problem. I was also seeing a phychiatrist and was taking AD's. None of that mattered.


The things my W says on FB are sometimes hurtful but I temper that with the memory of how I felt towards her. I know now she is not deliberately trying to harm me and is not capable of being empathetic towards me, so she cannot feel my pain or happiness.Yet she is still here which means she has not been able to detach from me. This then means I still have a chance to show her changes instead of talking about them. In my W's case I feel this will have a great impact on her ability to process and find her way out of the tunnel. So yes I do feel like what I do matters a great deal at this juncture. Do nothing and I will be divorced within a couple of months, do something and perhaps it will put a break in her armor long enough for her own emotions to crash in around her sweeping her from the exit of her tunnel and into the light, the painful hurt filled light that she has to use to do mirror work on herself. Riv

[OldPilot]

My quest and reading continue

Here is another very short quote but very good!

It is from this thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Main=37083&Number=1402600#Post1402600

Were there any childhood issues you can think of that you resolved in your mind during your MLC that helped bring you out of it? I have read that MLC is almost always related to unresolved childhood issues.

Yes, stillhoping.

That I was "good enough".
 

Also this one from the same thread

What good does it know why our spouses may be in MLC? I think understanding diffuses anger and compassion can set in. I am not saying acceptance of the actions but compassion and forgiveness.

I agree.
But you can never tell a MLCer that you might have a handle on the underlying cause. Not until a time comes that they come to you and express an awareness of their own. Even then, I'd recommend treading lightly.
 

Any indication that you are "analyzing" her is likely to be met with indignation and maybe even wrath. She will see you as condescending and unable to admit that you could be a part of the problem. She will think you are trying to blame everyone but yourself for the state of your marriage. Your words to the contrary won't matter. She will think you are grasping at straws and in denial. I wouldn't bring it up if I were you. Unless you want to get mauled. Of course, she might be a gentle MLCer. I was abdolutely vicious. The exact opposite of what my husband had known me to be previously. One other thing though - when I was at my absolute worst as far as how I treated him, I cried myself to sleep every night because I didn't understand what the hell was wrong with me. But every morning, I woke up pissed off and wanting to get away all over again.

[Thundarr]

Truly profound, OP.  Gonna have a bit of alone time in the vehicle and you've just given me something to ponder on the way.

[RivenIN2]

Yes I learned this the hard way, there is no way to tell them you might know something about what is going on in their heads. Even the hint of it will send them into a rage or panic. My W is now telling her FB friends all about how I think I know how she feels.
I watched a documentary on the human brain the other night, nothing unusual about that I watch docs all the time. But she focused on just one five minute segment on depression and told everyone that I was trying to do research into depression by watching a doc about it. She is twisting the truth to fit her story again in an effort to make everyone think I am some crazed inhuman mate that just will not give her any space. This is to pave the way for her eventual departure, I do not know what she hopes to accomplish by this as no one is going to give her more or less help based on anything I do.

[trusting]

Thanks, OP.  Those quotes are good reminders. 

[Trustandlove]

This has been one of the most educational threads going; we may need to sticky it..... 

[OldPilot]

This has been one of the most educational threads going; we may need to sticky it.....

Thank you, there is a link to this thread in Hope Floats thread(which is stickied)-  "A view from the other side Various Fog Stories"

There is also a similar thread going on, on the DB website.

[BonBon]

Can I just say that AmyC's tale of crying to sleep then waking up ready to brawl and get away with it is scary to read?

I guess many of us have seen this sort of thing or something similar but somehow, seeing it "on paper" is scary to me.  What on earth is going on with these people?  Did anyone else find it crazy?

Please don't misunderstand...I'm not judging her, and I think its very brave she admitted this...I think she is probably representative of many MLCers...but wow, it is crazy stuff, isn't it? 

Thanks for sharing OP...its very enlightening...

[Anjae]

Can I just say that AmyC's tale of crying to sleep then waking up ready to brawl and get away with it is scary to read?

I guess many of us have seen this sort of thing or something similar but somehow, seeing it "on paper" is scary to me.  What on earth is going on with these people?  Did anyone else find it crazy?

Scary, yes. Crazy? Yes. I've seen my husband done it a bunch of times. It becomes enervating and upseting. There he is, loosing it and doing nothing to sort himself out. Then, magically, he comes up with “it’s all you fault, I want a divorce”, then he leaves and the world gets confirmation of OW1. No offense to anyone but when I think back to those times I found it pathetic.  I could clearly see he was unwell, I knew OW1 was not going to solve anything – when she was no more husband admitted she had been a bad idea – yet, he carry on. And here we remain, with him somewhere in a tunnel some 6 years down the line.

HeyJude, What they present to the affair partner is a very charming person.

I can tell you that when my husband was exchanging correspondence with OW1, before and after their physical affair started, he was nothing but sweetness, sugar and wonderful with her. She got the very nice he, the man who wanted to be with her forever. She was the love he has been wainting for all his life. OW1 was stetting the tone of the “you’re wonderful my love, I’ve never meet anyone like you before”, coming up with all the dreams and plans and husband was going along.

By then I was suspicious of an alienator, husband was behaving weirdly. And he started getting nastier and nastier with me, he lied every time I asked him if there was someone else. With her he was more and more and more charming, a true gentleman.

I remained around for some 7 months since he left. From what I get OW1 got the nice he I always got the not so nice he. Since I have detached myself by late Summer 2008 and OW2 made her public appearance at that time, I have no idea how he manages to hide the less good side from her. I get monster via court cases but that is scarce and not direct. 

Well, some of the relationships seem to last a long time and the alienator does not seem to find anything peculiar about the MLCer. I guess everyone in those relationships is into some sort of a fantasy.

To say the truth it amazes me how they manage to hide so well and make the mask last for years on end before so many people. Must be exhausting.

Kikki, I think it is different from you boss pursuing you. You were not up to it. In MLC affairs we have to willing parts. In fact two very eager parts. No, I don’t think our husbands always had been modest before was a cover up. No way they were going to manage it for decades. With us they did not need to have their armour in place. We were not the fantasy person they have gone after.