Author Topic: My Story Reconnecting Replanting and Growing  (Read 8499 times)

Offline AzioniTopic starter

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My Story Reconnecting Replanting and Growing
« on: August 29, 2016, 11:30:38 AM »
It has been a few years since I have been on.  So much has changed.  After the s-storm that was created by MLCer.  The only way to save us was to uproot.  It was difficult, but I did it.  I gave him an ultimatum, come with me and our kids, or a divorce.  I was willing to go it alone if I needed to. I needed to save our kids, and myself.  Leaving that place was the only way to do so.

He chose us.  So we uprooted from the only home we have known and moved 1000 miles away from all the nightmare.  Best move we could have made.  Our kids have healed and are doing very, very well.  Something that would not have happened if we had stayed where we were.  I have a great new job and am working on a second pension. Making the same money, but with a lot less stress.  He has started to come back to himself as well.  I do still see some signs of depression, but not as prominent as prior to the move.

Our kids have reached the age of maturity.  It was one of my 'stop and see' points that I made for myself.  So far, we are doing well.  Better since his hours have allowed more time together, a few vacays, and less stress about money. 

We are currently in the heart of affair season, and I do not feel as low as in years past.  I have begun to look forward and it is looking okay.  The scar will always be there, as an awful reminder, but it is not at the forefront anymore. Triggers are still around, but have lost their punch as well. 


previous thread:  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3211.0
« Last Edit: March 12, 2017, 07:45:12 PM by OldPilot »
You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote

Offline Thunder

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #1 on: August 29, 2016, 01:14:47 PM »
Everything sounds very positive, Azioni.  Thanks so much for your update.

Always a plus to see a reconciliation that worked!  We need more of them.   ;D

Sounds like you took the bull by the horns and stuck to your decision...and it scared him.  He knew he was losing you.
I have a friend who went along with his D right up the date they went to court..and he begged her to come back to him.  He saw she was serious and it scared him.  She completely let him go and agreed the D was for the best.

They are still together and reconciliation went great.  They are very happy 5 years later.

So stalling and fighting them is not always the best move.

I wish you two years of happiness.
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline Anjae

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #2 on: August 29, 2016, 02:44:37 PM »
Thank you for your update, Azioni.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline AzioniTopic starter

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What I have learned about ME
« Reply #3 on: August 30, 2016, 07:06:20 AM »
Just a little post to help center my thoughts. We seem to get caught up in what he did, what she did, what they did, etc.  It seems that we lose ourselves in the F5 tornado of all of this. We forget to take stock, to check in with ourselves.  Maybe it is because I have gotten through the storm, have gotten to rebuilding, and am now beginning anew.  It is the thought process that only time and distance can give.  Time…that four letter word that seems to stop and/or move slowly. 

So here it is.  What I learned about ME from all of this:

I learned that what does not kill me, does INDEED make me stronger:

I would never have thought I could survive this pain.  Yet I did it.  There were many, many times that I wanted to lay down and just die.  Times I actually may have wished my car would swerve and just hit something, anything—just to be rid of the terrible pain that seemed never-ending.  But the thoughts of my kids, that kept me grounded.  They needed me, and I needed them.  I needed to guide them through this without residual damage.  I could not and would not harm them any more than their father did by hurting them in that way.  Today I am very, very close to them.  I have also guided them through to healing.  If you had asked me 5 years ago, I could barely breathe.  Now I am standing strong.  Stronger than I ever was.

There IS light after the darkness:

Right after finding out about the affair, it seemed everything was dark.  I was just drifting through each day.  They blurred together.  Work, sleep, maybe eat…rinse and repeat.  I can now barely remember those days save for some snippets.  I can’t even remember how I even went to work each of those days.  Sort of like the memories you have from when you are very young.  Disjointed, jumbled memories.  I did much meditation, yoga, and started to just concentrate on me and my kids, and the famous “fake it till you make it”.  Then slowly the sunrise brought me out from the cloud of darkness.  It was slow, very slow, but it did happen. It took looking in and looking forward with my kids.

Triggers will happen, but they don’t have control:

Yes, triggers will continue.  But over time they lose their punch.  Maybe it is the meditation and self-hypnosis that I found online.  That helped initially desensitize me greatly.  However, it may also be that I was taking time for myself by doing those.  Taking back some sort of control by working through ones I recognized.  There are some that still hit me from time to time from out of the blue.  On the TV, on the radio, in movies.  Sometimes they take my breath away and sometimes it is a mere blip on the screen. No way of telling.   But him being more cognizant to me helps GREATLY.  Does he always say or do the right thing when that happens, no, not always.  But he tries, and that is what is more important this far out from the epicenter.

You may, and probably will, lose some family/friends along the way:

Whether you try to reconcile, or divorce, or something in between, there will be friends who do not approve of your decision.  There may even be family that does not agree.  I have lost a couple of friends.  But, I have also learned who the truest ones were, both family and friends.  The ones who stayed by me as I vacillated between what I wanted.  That even now support me when I feel myself stepping near the rabbit hole.  The ones that, though they may or may not have been through this, understand that there was not a clear cut choice. Others, they could not understand.  You know the ones.  The ones who say “well, if that happened to me I would…..”.  I have learned that you don’t know truly what you would do until it DOES happen to you.  The truest friends understand that, and strap themselves into that wild rollercoaster right next to you.  Saying, hang on—we got this!!

I did lose some family.  Mostly his, as their “golden boy” could do no wrong, and saw me as the “evil b*tc#”.  First for kicking him out for a bit, then for our oldest deciding on leaving home for a year (because he was so upset that he wanted to hurt his dad) which they thought I had instrumented, to my decision to leave the state –or rather “making “ him leave.  Those people are toxic, and I have learned that life is too short for toxic people.  With distance, he has seen a little of their toxicity and their animosity towards me.  Even after being part of the family for close to 30 years!!  Even despite my staying and reconciling with him. 

Here is the challenge. What have you learned?  How far have you come in your journey?

Time to focus on you. 
You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote

Offline Anjae

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Re: What I have learned about ME
« Reply #4 on: August 31, 2016, 04:51:41 PM »
Time to focus on you.

Indeed. Please be so kind to stick to a single thread until it reaches 150 posts. Thank you.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline AzioniTopic starter

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #5 on: September 01, 2016, 02:27:07 PM »
OK.  I apologize.  Was unaware of that.
You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote

Offline AzioniTopic starter

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Returning to active
« Reply #6 on: March 02, 2017, 06:00:56 PM »
Please link me to my old post.

Thanks
You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote

Offline Airmid

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #7 on: March 02, 2017, 08:11:36 PM »
Please link me to my old post.

Thanks

Offline Milly

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #8 on: March 03, 2017, 01:16:44 AM »
Hi Azioni, thank you for coming back and updating us. I'm finding it very interesting to read how you progressed through this terrible experience from BD to now that you are reconciling. Looking forward to hearing more from you.
Milly
married 27 years together 32, BD May 2014,
 D22, D19, S12
OW Physical Affair, 20 years younger

Offline AzioniTopic starter

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #9 on: March 03, 2017, 08:41:34 AM »
*****U P D A T E    ON     OUR     RECONCILIATION ***** 5+ YEARS OUT *****

It has been a long and sometimes arduous road.  However, at this time I can say that my H and I have fully R’d.  It has taken a number of years, and a lot of work.  It has taken us from a place we called home for many years, to a new home.  New home, new furniture, new car……new beginnings.  Moving far from where everything happened is definitely one of the things that I believe saved us. That and a very remorseful H who was willing to do anything to fix what he had broken.   It took work on both our parts.  I needed to learn to allow myself to once again be vulnerable where he is concerned.  That took repeated actions on his part to show me that he meant his words. I needed to learn to trust again.  I demanded and he stepped up.  We knew the odds were severely stacked against us ‘making it’.  But I like beating the odds. 

We have also shown our boys that REAL relationships take REAL work.  They have also forgiven their father and are on good terms with him now.  Since they are older, they are/were aware of the s-storm.  But they also watched us work very hard to R.  They are still very protective of me, I guess they always will be.  Pretty soon I know they will be leaving to begin lives of their own.  I can only hope that they take the lessons learned with them.  That they do not repeat the action that their father did.  The way he repeated what his mom did.  I would hate for that to be the legacy.  I have had some very frank discussions with them about the damage that an A can do to people.  All I can do now is pray they listened.

We have removed (or in the case of his family—limited) toxic people from our lives.  This was difficult, but necessary.  I did not realize the negative aura of these people.  That is until the chips were down.  The old saying that in times of trouble you know who your true friends are…is VERY true.  My truest friends and family were the ones who were not, and still are not judgmental of my decisions, or of my H.  They supported me as I vacillated between D and R over and over again.  As I navigated through TT. As I dealt with things that would be the ‘last straw’ for a great many.  And they are still by my side, and accepting of my H.  Unfortunately, where family, his family, is concerned….well that is tolerable.  It is cordial, but I do not think it will ever be what it was.  But I have absolutely no control over that.  I do have a H who now realizes that they are somewhat toxic.  Another benefit of moving, we moved far from living near them too.

Yes, I still trigger occasionally. But thankfully it is not anywhere near as bad.  It has taken years to get to that point.  It is difficult when the biggest trigger you have lies next to in bed each night, and sits across from you at breakfast every morning.  Would it have been easier on me to cut and run, maybe, but I will never know.  I only know the path that I chose.  It is what was right for me. 
You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote


 

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