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Author Topic: My Story Reconnecting Replanting and Growing  (Read 8632 times)

Offline AzioniTopic starter

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My Story Reconnecting Replanting and Growing
« on: August 29, 2016, 11:30:38 AM »
It has been a few years since I have been on.  So much has changed.  After the s-storm that was created by MLCer.  The only way to save us was to uproot.  It was difficult, but I did it.  I gave him an ultimatum, come with me and our kids, or a divorce.  I was willing to go it alone if I needed to. I needed to save our kids, and myself.  Leaving that place was the only way to do so.

He chose us.  So we uprooted from the only home we have known and moved 1000 miles away from all the nightmare.  Best move we could have made.  Our kids have healed and are doing very, very well.  Something that would not have happened if we had stayed where we were.  I have a great new job and am working on a second pension. Making the same money, but with a lot less stress.  He has started to come back to himself as well.  I do still see some signs of depression, but not as prominent as prior to the move.

Our kids have reached the age of maturity.  It was one of my 'stop and see' points that I made for myself.  So far, we are doing well.  Better since his hours have allowed more time together, a few vacays, and less stress about money. 

We are currently in the heart of affair season, and I do not feel as low as in years past.  I have begun to look forward and it is looking okay.  The scar will always be there, as an awful reminder, but it is not at the forefront anymore. Triggers are still around, but have lost their punch as well. 


previous thread:  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3211.0
« Last Edit: March 12, 2017, 07:45:12 PM by OldPilot »
You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote

Online Thunder

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #1 on: August 29, 2016, 01:14:47 PM »
Everything sounds very positive, Azioni.  Thanks so much for your update.

Always a plus to see a reconciliation that worked!  We need more of them.   ;D

Sounds like you took the bull by the horns and stuck to your decision...and it scared him.  He knew he was losing you.
I have a friend who went along with his D right up the date they went to court..and he begged her to come back to him.  He saw she was serious and it scared him.  She completely let him go and agreed the D was for the best.

They are still together and reconciliation went great.  They are very happy 5 years later.

So stalling and fighting them is not always the best move.

I wish you two years of happiness.
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline Anjae

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #2 on: August 29, 2016, 02:44:37 PM »
Thank you for your update, Azioni.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline AzioniTopic starter

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What I have learned about ME
« Reply #3 on: August 30, 2016, 07:06:20 AM »
Just a little post to help center my thoughts. We seem to get caught up in what he did, what she did, what they did, etc.  It seems that we lose ourselves in the F5 tornado of all of this. We forget to take stock, to check in with ourselves.  Maybe it is because I have gotten through the storm, have gotten to rebuilding, and am now beginning anew.  It is the thought process that only time and distance can give.  Time…that four letter word that seems to stop and/or move slowly. 

So here it is.  What I learned about ME from all of this:

I learned that what does not kill me, does INDEED make me stronger:

I would never have thought I could survive this pain.  Yet I did it.  There were many, many times that I wanted to lay down and just die.  Times I actually may have wished my car would swerve and just hit something, anything—just to be rid of the terrible pain that seemed never-ending.  But the thoughts of my kids, that kept me grounded.  They needed me, and I needed them.  I needed to guide them through this without residual damage.  I could not and would not harm them any more than their father did by hurting them in that way.  Today I am very, very close to them.  I have also guided them through to healing.  If you had asked me 5 years ago, I could barely breathe.  Now I am standing strong.  Stronger than I ever was.

There IS light after the darkness:

Right after finding out about the affair, it seemed everything was dark.  I was just drifting through each day.  They blurred together.  Work, sleep, maybe eat…rinse and repeat.  I can now barely remember those days save for some snippets.  I can’t even remember how I even went to work each of those days.  Sort of like the memories you have from when you are very young.  Disjointed, jumbled memories.  I did much meditation, yoga, and started to just concentrate on me and my kids, and the famous “fake it till you make it”.  Then slowly the sunrise brought me out from the cloud of darkness.  It was slow, very slow, but it did happen. It took looking in and looking forward with my kids.

Triggers will happen, but they don’t have control:

Yes, triggers will continue.  But over time they lose their punch.  Maybe it is the meditation and self-hypnosis that I found online.  That helped initially desensitize me greatly.  However, it may also be that I was taking time for myself by doing those.  Taking back some sort of control by working through ones I recognized.  There are some that still hit me from time to time from out of the blue.  On the TV, on the radio, in movies.  Sometimes they take my breath away and sometimes it is a mere blip on the screen. No way of telling.   But him being more cognizant to me helps GREATLY.  Does he always say or do the right thing when that happens, no, not always.  But he tries, and that is what is more important this far out from the epicenter.

You may, and probably will, lose some family/friends along the way:

Whether you try to reconcile, or divorce, or something in between, there will be friends who do not approve of your decision.  There may even be family that does not agree.  I have lost a couple of friends.  But, I have also learned who the truest ones were, both family and friends.  The ones who stayed by me as I vacillated between what I wanted.  That even now support me when I feel myself stepping near the rabbit hole.  The ones that, though they may or may not have been through this, understand that there was not a clear cut choice. Others, they could not understand.  You know the ones.  The ones who say “well, if that happened to me I would…..”.  I have learned that you don’t know truly what you would do until it DOES happen to you.  The truest friends understand that, and strap themselves into that wild rollercoaster right next to you.  Saying, hang on—we got this!!

I did lose some family.  Mostly his, as their “golden boy” could do no wrong, and saw me as the “evil b*tc#”.  First for kicking him out for a bit, then for our oldest deciding on leaving home for a year (because he was so upset that he wanted to hurt his dad) which they thought I had instrumented, to my decision to leave the state –or rather “making “ him leave.  Those people are toxic, and I have learned that life is too short for toxic people.  With distance, he has seen a little of their toxicity and their animosity towards me.  Even after being part of the family for close to 30 years!!  Even despite my staying and reconciling with him. 

Here is the challenge. What have you learned?  How far have you come in your journey?

Time to focus on you. 
You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote

Offline Anjae

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Re: What I have learned about ME
« Reply #4 on: August 31, 2016, 04:51:41 PM »
Time to focus on you.

Indeed. Please be so kind to stick to a single thread until it reaches 150 posts. Thank you.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline AzioniTopic starter

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #5 on: September 01, 2016, 02:27:07 PM »
OK.  I apologize.  Was unaware of that.
You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote

Offline AzioniTopic starter

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Returning to active
« Reply #6 on: March 02, 2017, 06:00:56 PM »
Please link me to my old post.

Thanks
You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote

Offline Airmid

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #7 on: March 02, 2017, 08:11:36 PM »
Please link me to my old post.

Thanks

Online Milly

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #8 on: March 03, 2017, 01:16:44 AM »
Hi Azioni, thank you for coming back and updating us. I'm finding it very interesting to read how you progressed through this terrible experience from BD to now that you are reconciling. Looking forward to hearing more from you.
Milly
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D23, D20, S13
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline AzioniTopic starter

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #9 on: March 03, 2017, 08:41:34 AM »
*****U P D A T E    ON     OUR     RECONCILIATION ***** 5+ YEARS OUT *****

It has been a long and sometimes arduous road.  However, at this time I can say that my H and I have fully R’d.  It has taken a number of years, and a lot of work.  It has taken us from a place we called home for many years, to a new home.  New home, new furniture, new car……new beginnings.  Moving far from where everything happened is definitely one of the things that I believe saved us. That and a very remorseful H who was willing to do anything to fix what he had broken.   It took work on both our parts.  I needed to learn to allow myself to once again be vulnerable where he is concerned.  That took repeated actions on his part to show me that he meant his words. I needed to learn to trust again.  I demanded and he stepped up.  We knew the odds were severely stacked against us ‘making it’.  But I like beating the odds. 

We have also shown our boys that REAL relationships take REAL work.  They have also forgiven their father and are on good terms with him now.  Since they are older, they are/were aware of the s-storm.  But they also watched us work very hard to R.  They are still very protective of me, I guess they always will be.  Pretty soon I know they will be leaving to begin lives of their own.  I can only hope that they take the lessons learned with them.  That they do not repeat the action that their father did.  The way he repeated what his mom did.  I would hate for that to be the legacy.  I have had some very frank discussions with them about the damage that an A can do to people.  All I can do now is pray they listened.

We have removed (or in the case of his family—limited) toxic people from our lives.  This was difficult, but necessary.  I did not realize the negative aura of these people.  That is until the chips were down.  The old saying that in times of trouble you know who your true friends are…is VERY true.  My truest friends and family were the ones who were not, and still are not judgmental of my decisions, or of my H.  They supported me as I vacillated between D and R over and over again.  As I navigated through TT. As I dealt with things that would be the ‘last straw’ for a great many.  And they are still by my side, and accepting of my H.  Unfortunately, where family, his family, is concerned….well that is tolerable.  It is cordial, but I do not think it will ever be what it was.  But I have absolutely no control over that.  I do have a H who now realizes that they are somewhat toxic.  Another benefit of moving, we moved far from living near them too.

Yes, I still trigger occasionally. But thankfully it is not anywhere near as bad.  It has taken years to get to that point.  It is difficult when the biggest trigger you have lies next to in bed each night, and sits across from you at breakfast every morning.  Would it have been easier on me to cut and run, maybe, but I will never know.  I only know the path that I chose.  It is what was right for me. 
You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote

Offline Slow Fade

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #10 on: March 03, 2017, 11:44:04 AM »
Quote
It is difficult when the biggest trigger you have lies next to in bed each night, and sits across from you at breakfast every morning.  Would it have been easier on me to cut and run, maybe, but I will never know.  I only know the path that I chose.  It is what was right for me.
Amen. Experiencing something similar so its nice to know someone else has gone before me!
Married 18
BD April 2012
Left home Nov 2012
Home May 2016

Offline Never say never

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #11 on: March 03, 2017, 01:35:07 PM »
Azioni, thank you for updating us and for sharing your story.  It is always so encouraging to read about a success when we are at this stage in our story.  I cannot begin to imagine the work it must take to rebuild your marriage, because actually, you have torn the structure down and must start over again from scratch, this time using sturdier material. 

I guess that would be a slow process and requires thought every step of the way.  You are an inspiration to us LBSes who are hoping to get to where you are some day.  Thanks again :)

Offline AzioniTopic starter

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #12 on: March 04, 2017, 04:28:08 AM »
My journey has been a tough one. So many things in addition to the A to deal with where OW is concerned (I may divulge at a later date). Sometimes when I sit on my deck in the evening, watching the sun set while my dogs or my boys (or both sets😊) are out in the yard, I am amazed that I have made it through. To think of the enormity of all the aspects, it can be emotionally overwhelming. But I see how happy the boys are, their brotherly banter that fills this place with happy noise....well, it puts me at peace in those moments. It helps me to realize that the choices I made were the right ones for me and our family.
You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote

Offline Antigone

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #13 on: March 04, 2017, 05:18:11 AM »
Sometimes when I sit on my deck in the evening, watching the sun set while my dogs or my boys (or both sets😊) are out in the yard, I am amazed that I have made it through. To think of the enormity of all the aspects, it can be emotionally overwhelming. But I see how happy the boys are, their brotherly banter that fills this place with happy noise....well, it puts me at peace in those moments. It helps me to realize that the choices I made were the right ones for me and our family.

I am so happy for you. I feel the same way. What an incredibile journey, what amazing women!
xxx

Antigone
Ad maiora!

Offline Never say never

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #14 on: March 04, 2017, 07:10:49 PM »
Thank you, Az, for continuing to post.  You have no idea how much inspiration you bring to us.  I hope you are going to divulge things later so we can maybe learn, connect, live vicariously through you??, have a better understanding of what really is going on in our lives right now.

I am so happy that everything worked out for you.  You said it so well, realizing the choices you made were the right ones.  This is definitely a difficult journey we are all on, and you give us all hope!  Thank you.

Offline Kintsugi

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #15 on: March 04, 2017, 07:27:51 PM »
I am so inspired by your story!  Attaching...
When the Japanese mend broken objects, they aggrandize the damage by filling the cracks with gold.  They believe that when something’s suffered damage and has a history it becomes more beautiful ~ Barbara Bloom

Offline AzioniTopic starter

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #16 on: March 04, 2017, 07:43:35 PM »
It's very strange to be on the other side looking back now over the minefield. So many things that could have blown us up along the rough rollercoaster  road of R. It definitely took strength I never knew was there. The momma bear in me needed to come out roaring as this other thing tried to hurt my children. One physically the other mentally. (This on top of A with my H. Plus the lovely STD gift that was passed to me.) We had odds stacked very much against us.

Were there times I wanted to throw in the towel, yes. Too many to count. I even went so far as to speak with a D attorney. Things got so bad that I actually had a moment where I wanted to wrap my car around a tree. Just to make the pain stop. But I had a wonderful IC who helped me greatly. I was put on med for awhile and learned meditation and self hypnosis. All to get past my pain to concentrate on my kids.

H came out of fog very quickly when he realized what happened to our kids and to me. It was our starting point toward R I believe. Having to work together to save them. We did continue MC. The move and new start was the biggest change to do. But for our kids, and us, it had to be done. It was the best decision.

You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote

Offline Kintsugi

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #17 on: March 05, 2017, 04:54:58 AM »
It is strange even for me to look back.  I was looking at anniversaries of his dumb behaviors.  When I reached the last one which was last month I decided it has been a year and it is time to let go.  What happened already happened and I have a newfound acceptance of many things.  I have to credit this site for a lot of that. 
When the Japanese mend broken objects, they aggrandize the damage by filling the cracks with gold.  They believe that when something’s suffered damage and has a history it becomes more beautiful ~ Barbara Bloom

Offline Never say never

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #18 on: March 05, 2017, 07:10:49 AM »
Thanks, A, for sharing, and BE, I know what you mean.  If I sit here and think about the past four-plus years for me, it is incomprehensible what I have gone through.  No one in their right mind would have put up with the lifestyle I lived. 

For that reason, I never wrote things down, try not to think about them and hope that with time, everything will pass.  There are so, so, so many altercations I have been through with my H, I just try to tell myself that this was not the man I married.  This was an alien who was going through something in his life.

What am I saying?  I am acting like things will for sure be okay!!! 

I just want to say, A, thank you for giving all of us hope.  We need stories like yours to keep us going.

Offline Kintsugi

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #19 on: March 05, 2017, 08:09:20 AM »
I just try to tell myself that this was not the man I married.  This was an alien who was going through something in his life.

Your way of thinking works for me!  I have joked with myself about how aliens must have come down and sucked out his brain and that they came back and returned it - or part of it.  Another thought that keeps me sane is thinking about how he was just like a big dumb adolescent when he did what he did.  I think back to my own adolescence, raging hormones, etc. and it helps me somewhat. 
When the Japanese mend broken objects, they aggrandize the damage by filling the cracks with gold.  They believe that when something’s suffered damage and has a history it becomes more beautiful ~ Barbara Bloom

Offline AzioniTopic starter

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #20 on: March 06, 2017, 07:50:41 PM »
It is so true. It is as if an alien had taken over my H during that time. Everything I knew , or thought i knew to be true in my world at that time, was wrong at that moment. Black was white, white was black. I think that once I figured out that it was me and our kids I needed to protect, it made the world finally stop spinning. When discovery happens it is as if our whole equilibrium is set aspin. You can't focus on anything at first, you are nauseous,  and can barely stand on your own two feet.
« Last Edit: March 06, 2017, 07:53:25 PM by Azioni »
You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote

Offline AzioniTopic starter

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #21 on: March 09, 2017, 12:22:44 PM »
Reconciliation is a difficult route.  We definitely had our share of setbacks along the way.  Miscommunication, lack of trust, anger….you name it and we probably went through it.  I did go to a D attorney to find out my rights.  Another time I drew up separation papers (from an online site).  Believe me there were many, many times where I was ready and willing to throw in the towel. 

At the beginning, I found out from my doctor that I had herpes.  He is the only man I have ever been with.  So it was directly from his A.  Went through 4 months of medication for that.  Stressing that I got this directly from his A, then worrying that the stress would cause a breakout.  4 months later I found out that it was a false positive.  We continued on the R road.  Then a year after dday, after my annual, found out I had hpv and a suspicious lesion on my cervix.  Even better, I found out on my birthday, a Friday, at 4:45pm as their office was closing.  So instead of black Friday shopping that year I had a colposcopy.  He was by my side for that.  I do have to say, my doc kept giving him the ‘stink eye’.  He went out and bought a fire pit for us, and surprised me with dinner outside by it as I was on rest for 24 hours.

Thus began my 2 years of twice a year checkups for it.  Me worrying that each time I would get the dreadful news.  I had had a hysterectomy back in 2009.  I was done having kids, and had had a few cysts that had ruptured (all benign).  I even had an ectopic pregnancy in 2005 that caused me to end up in the hospital due to blood loss. Cancer runs in the women in my family, so decided to do the hysterectomy.  I decided to keep my cervix so I would not need a pelvic sling, and now it was a problem due to his A. Thankfully, all the checks came out fine.

I was angry, very angry for a good while.  Him having put my health at risk.  All while I was also recovering from double surgery.  Two surgeries just 3 weeks apart.  So while I lay in bed recovering, he was having his A.  Quite literally while my chest was ripped open.  So on top of healing physically, I also had to heal mentally.  I had some complications during healing that I feel were a direct result of the stress caused by his A.  Physically, I healed.  Emotionally took quite a bit longer.
You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote

Offline AzioniTopic starter

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #22 on: March 10, 2017, 12:15:14 PM »
Another positive sign:

This morning when I checked my email, I got notification that some had tried to hack H's email. He has my email as recovery for transparency. If he changes password it sends me an email. So I told him he needed to change his password and  left for work. During my break he texted me " I've changed my password, I'll give it to you when you get back from work." He did that on his own, i did not have to ask him to give it to me. He continues to walk the walk of R.  8)
You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote

Offline stayed

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #23 on: March 12, 2017, 03:57:33 PM »
Welcome back Azioni, it is so good to hear your story.  RECONCILIATION is not the easiest thing in the world, I can only nod my head in agreement.  Not sure how we survived it, but I guess it was just ONE MORE thing and the many years of crisis certainly have taught us, that "what does not kill us, will make us stronger"! 

I know everybody will enjoy hearing your story.  WE have had quite a few "recoveries and success stories"!  Not all of them were reconciliation but there are many men and women who are now dating, or considering dating (hehehe) or are just plain enjoying the "absence of pain".  They have moved on, accept that their spouse is in Crisis AND if he/she returns and they are STILL AVAILABLE, they will consider their options then. 

Some still have hope their spouse will return, some have decided to end their STAND.  Some get along quite nicely with their X and some not so nicely.  Everybody though is coping in the best way they know how and having the pain finally receding, able to enjoy the new life they have built for themselves.

Welcome back...

Hugs Stayed
Married 39yrs.
Reconciled July 5, 2006

"Don't be so open minded your brains fall out".  by Stephen A. Kallis, Jr.
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Offline AzioniTopic starter

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #24 on: March 14, 2017, 05:50:49 AM »
One of the casualties of RECONCILIATION I found is loss of friends. No, not ones who were not friends of the marriage, but real friends. I did lose some close friends due to my choice to R with my H. Some, had been through betrayal and decided on D for themselves. So out of bitterness or jealousy or something else ,  I'm not sure which, I lost their friendship.

One could argue whether they were indeed true friends or not. That is a valid question. However, ripping open a very painful scar may have been too much for them emotionally.  We all understand how triggers can affect us. For some it is more than others. Just as my H is/was the biggest trigger for me in R, maybe I was the trigger for these lost friends. Something they just were unable to deal with.

Now, my two very closest friends,  ones from my childhood, they have been steadfastly by my side. As I pendulumed between D, S, R or just deciding whether or not to kill H (just kidding, but they did offer me a baseball bat  ;) ). It was their love, their humor, and sometimes their sarcasm that I think saved me in this s-storm. Only they could take me from a crying mess to laughing sometimes. Not that ANY of this is funny, but they could pull me back from the brink of depression as only they could. It's I think what helped me be there for my kids. If I went over that cliff, they seemed to know that it would theoretically kill me and ultimately hurt my kids more than they already were. I could call them any time of day or night if I needed, and I did. That was sometimes the best medicine.

They did let my H know how they felt about his actions early on. But after that, and since we have R'd,  they have made peace with him. We have all known each other 30 years, so H took their criticism and eventually promised them he would do everything in his power to make amends to me and to show me how grateful he was for a second chance. That he would spend the rest of his life doing so. So far, he his actions match his words.

PS. For those who may take offense at my sarcasm...I apologize up front. I even have a sign in my classroom that says "National Sarcasm Society". I deal with being locked in a room with high schoolers 5 days a week....by choice! So I know I'm a bit warped or crazy or both.   ;D
You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote

Online Milly

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #25 on: March 14, 2017, 07:23:50 AM »
Azioni, great post. I have also lost important friends on this journey. I still defend these friends as is part of my personality, but I think that ultimately their friendship was good as long as it worked for them.

My new friends and remaining friends have been there for me. Most of them let me rant without judgement. In fact, the ones who've helped me the most are the ones who let me talk and didn't offer any advice. I now find I don't need to rant any more. They are also friendly to my H when they see him. Not in a fake way, just non judgemental.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D23, D20, S13
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline Anjae

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #26 on: March 14, 2017, 05:12:52 PM »
Thank you for your updates and posts, Azioni.

It is always good to read from those who are reconnecting or reconciled and to be told how things really are at those stages, not easy, and they do not happen overnight.

Yes, ripping a painful scar may had been too much emotionally for your friends.

But those friends that remain close to you are the ones that matter.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline stayed

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #27 on: March 14, 2017, 06:23:58 PM »

Yes, ripping a painful scar may had been too much emotionally for your friends.

But those friends that remain close to you are the ones that matter.

I agree, it is the one's that stood by you, that matter the most. Like Anjae said, it is really nice of you to be able to understand where they are coming from. 

Hugs Stayed
Married 39yrs.
Reconciled July 5, 2006

"Don't be so open minded your brains fall out".  by Stephen A. Kallis, Jr.
"We believe marriage is sacred, but it is not our job to save marriages; it is our goal to empower each of you to save your own marriage."

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Offline AzioniTopic starter

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #28 on: March 15, 2017, 01:52:17 AM »
So true Anjae and Stayed.

It's disheartening when you realize how many aspects of your life are affected when your spouse decides to have an A. It goes so much deeper than the act itself. The effects are felt for years. I know that at almost 6 years out that im not as raw. But from time to time things still do hurt.  Loss of friends is one of them. For me, it is one that actually helped me through this that I still miss.

Before I could tell her what happened, she just said "when you are ready to talk, I'm here". She knew, just by some of my early interactions with her while I was still in early trauma stage immediately after dday.  I hadn't decided yet whom to tell. But she knew. She knew because it had happened to her! She had told nobody. She and her H are the only ones IRL that I know that have gone through this and stayed together. Initially she was like a lifeline as I navigated the costs of R. Eventually,  that friendship waned as we both seem to have difficulty as we sort of triggered each other (If that makes sense). We had cotaught together for a few years,  and we even had sons born on same day a few years apart...but then it seemed that R'ing with our WSs became our connection. (Again, if that makes sense). We do still connect via FB every so often, but the closeness between us seems lost.  Yet another casualty of his A.

You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote

Offline AzioniTopic starter

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #29 on: March 17, 2017, 01:44:19 PM »
Some days there just seems to be no luck. Even on St. Patrick's Day.  Sometimes, no matter how good the day is, triggers like to smack you in the face!

I went with H and son to my hair appointment today. Of course the place has music on. Right after I sit down, they play the song the OW sent to my H. I try to avoid that song, but today I had to sit through the entire thing. H doesn't even remember the song she sent, he never even reacted. I'm torn.
I can tell him that there was a song that triggered me, but since he doesn't remember the song himself, I don't want to remind him which song it is. 

Ughhh....the leftover minefields of an A. Can't I just launch a grenade😛
You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote

Offline stayed

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #30 on: March 19, 2017, 03:43:03 PM »
Oh yea... the MINDFIELDS!  I just read a lovely persons thread who has somehow managed to totally SPLIT / SEVER her h's MLC from who she has deemed to be her best friend.  How?  Of course they are not reconciled... they aren't even reconnecting but they are being civil... and she has concluded that she can totally FORGET ABOUT ALL OF THIS... because he was her bestfriend, which is her old h is not the man he is now. 

I wanted to say something on her thread but I decided not to, as it wouldn't do any good.  The truth is... this is not forgettable.  Forgivable, barely... but it can be done.  As your best friend... I actually think it would be HARDER to forgive it.. on the whole, best friends just don't lie, deceive, cheat us.  I simply do not see how anybody who does any of those things can REMAIN your best friend. 

Thank you for your honesty Azioni... people need to know the truth, the whole truth about reconciling... it is not some amazingly ROMANTIC happy, ever after sort of thing. 

Hugs Stayed
« Last Edit: March 19, 2017, 03:48:07 PM by stayed »
Married 39yrs.
Reconciled July 5, 2006

"Don't be so open minded your brains fall out".  by Stephen A. Kallis, Jr.
"We believe marriage is sacred, but it is not our job to save marriages; it is our goal to empower each of you to save your own marriage."

Stayed Husband Letter
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Offline Never say never

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #31 on: March 19, 2017, 04:20:47 PM »
A, thank you for continuing to post your journey.  It gives us all hope and an eyeful on what is yet to come.  This is not an easy road. 

You mention the song that was played at the hair salon.  Oh, how that is so true.  I seriously think we take every little thing our spouse has done and that sets our triggers off, and I seriously believe they are being truthful when they have no idea what sets us off.

That is where our own mirror work comes in.  During MLC, our spouses are not our spouses.  They are teenagers who are trying to deal with unresolved issues from their past.  We put so much stock into everything they say/do during this time, but in reality, we need to let it go and let it be and just move forward.

Oh, how I practice what I preach.  It's just that my h had a mini-MLC in 2008 that was very short-term.  How I wish that he would have resolved his issues during that time.  That is when I started my own research on MLC, but the issue was never addressed with husband and it was shoved under the carpet.

Typical to MLC, what is not addressed will always come back two-fold.  Yes, it did.  I can attest to that.  I admire and appreciate those who have reconciled and are working through reconciliation offer their time and advice on this thread as it can't be easy because it brings back so many triggers.

Thank you.  Your posts are much appreciated.

Offline barbiedoll

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #32 on: March 19, 2017, 05:46:46 PM »
Hello Azioni . I too am walking the same bumpy road of reconciliation or repair or whatever this is ... depends on the day at times. You sound calmer than I feel . You sound solid and I feel scattered a lot of the time. I can relate to every word you say. I too lost some friendships that were important to me . I felt those losses as yet another abandonment and was hurt very much by them. My 1 friend in particular has struggled with an unhappy MLC husband hiding drunk in the basement for years. She felt I was lucky indeed to have such a great husband and family. I swear , I saw "glee" in her face when my husband went crazy and left. She judged me harshly when I allowed him home . She told me I was " setting women back decades and was a sh$tty example to my daughters ". As far as I know, she continues to serve her drunk husband his dinner in his cave in the basement . He has had an affair going on for atleast 6 years and she is fully aware of this. She is an ostrich and expects her daughters to follow along. But , it is quiet and peacefull and ignored and few know. Not like my implosion which was public, loud , messy and snotty. She judges me? . I am okay without this fake friend . My husbands OW cow was a family member ... so the losses of many relationships is great . I felt betrayed by many but in fact truly do not KNOW who knew about this affair and failed to tell me. Regardless, I have accepted that there are many people that are not worthy of being called a friend.
I am 3 years into an extremely difficult painfull reconciliation. I am still not certain this can ever be a healthy loving intimate marriage . I have gone back and forth between divorce and re-newing vows !   How is that even possible??  I live that pendulum . We drive past the flower shop almost everyday that he ordered lovely flowers for his fantasy OW. I know it, but I would bet he has no memory whatsoever about this . I know the things he remembers because he drives around them . For my sake he believes. I get reminders and triggers daily . Every day . Some put me in a full angry reaction, some hurt, and some just pass by . But never have I had a "free" day . I wonder if this will always be there . Happy to meet you Azioni! You are one outstanding lady.. and I truly mean that .
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline AzioniTopic starter

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #33 on: March 20, 2017, 02:31:05 PM »
Thank you all for your kind words.

I am almost 6 years into this crazy new life.  It is truly that, a new life, because my old life is forever gone.  Changed irrevocably by my H's decision to have an A.  It was a short term A, lasting a mere few weeks, but the damage seems to be very long lasting.  Is there a day that goes by that I do not think of the A?  Unfortunately the answer to that is no. However, the sting is not the same.  It is like a sad song.  It is a brief melancholy, but then I try to bring myself back to the present.  If I allow myself more than that brief moment, I risk going over the edge of the rabbit hole.  That spiral is no good for me, and definitely no good for our boys.  Barbiedoll said it best to that respect  " depends on the day at times".  Obviously the closer to dday antiversary it is, the more the mind tries to go to that time.  Is it human nature, or just continuing to process the trauma?  I'm not sure.

On Friday, I decided not to tell H.  We were out with one of our boys and having a good time after the salon.  I brought myself to the present, and processed....is it really worth it to bring it up.  To me, the rest of the day outweighed that brief two minutes. It's a highwire act without a net.  Never knowing if/when you will lose your balance.  The fight is to stay upright and not fall off.

Ultimately, the decision to R or D or S is a deeply personal one.  It takes quite a few factors in order to be anywhere near successful. One of these is a highly remorseful spouse.  The other is knowing just what the dealbreaker is for yourself.  Even with the most remorseful spouse, you have to think, can I truly look at this person every single day and not go spiraling from triggers.  Because at the end of the day, the wayward spouse will be the biggest trigger you will have. There are times I look at him and am triggered.  If I said I was not, even this far out from dday, I would be lying to you. Does it still hurt?   Yes!!  Will it always?  I do not know.  All I can tell you is what my personal path is like. 
You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote

Offline stayed

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #34 on: March 20, 2017, 04:24:35 PM »
Because at the end of the day, the wayward spouse will be the biggest trigger you will have. There are times I look at him and am triggered.  If I said I was not, even this far out from dday, I would be lying to you. Does it still hurt?   Yes!!  Will it always?  I do not know.  All I can tell you is what my personal path is like. 

I agree that at the end of the day, we forever live with the trigger of our pain.  I will say though, that it will be 11 years this July 5th. for my h and I, that we began our reconnection.  I can honestly say I feel very little pain now.  Do I still feel SOME pain... yes, I certainly do, as does my husband.  He does not like being THAT person, who did those terrible things.

This is a terrible, terrible thing, that being said, I TRULY believe that this has been a good thing, at least for my HUSBAND and I.  We are much more honest with each other, much more affectionate, calm even which I think is a result of the honesty between us NOW!  We are not wasting our time WONDERING what the other was saying... plus, I'm not sure, we really CARE that much anymore. 

I know for myself, I have been and always was a really good, loyal, supportive wife.  I was a better then average mother.  I was a true partner in every sense of the word.  My h is the one who abandoned his principles, values and morals.  He is the one who has to live with what he did.  I can now stand up to him or ANYBODY else and say... NO, THAT IS WRONG... or NO, THAT ISN'T HOW THAT HAPPENED... I never back down from what I know is my truth... and my h who would have mocked me, or intimidated me, as part of my personal issues was my own INFERIORITY complex, which my h was smart enough to take advantage of... NO LONGER HAS THAT tool to use against me.  He knows it now.  It doesn't stop him from trying... old habits die hard... the difference is that NOW I look him straight in the eye and let him know... you NO LONGER HAVE THAT POWER OVER ME. 

We like it like that.  We LOVE our new life.  We both know we are blessed.  We try to enjoy every single day and live it like it is our last.  It does become much less painful.  The triggers are few and far between... when they do flair up, GO WITH IT... hell, as my h constantly tells me... HE DID THIS, HE'LL have to live with it!

Hugs Stayed
« Last Edit: March 20, 2017, 04:26:09 PM by stayed »
Married 39yrs.
Reconciled July 5, 2006

"Don't be so open minded your brains fall out".  by Stephen A. Kallis, Jr.
"We believe marriage is sacred, but it is not our job to save marriages; it is our goal to empower each of you to save your own marriage."

Stayed Husband Letter
The Hero's Spouse Mission Statement
Survival Instructions for Newbies
The Mentor Program
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Offline AzioniTopic starter

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #35 on: March 22, 2017, 06:21:04 PM »
After learning yoga a number of years back, my instructor introduced me to meditation. I found that I enjoyed it. I enjoyed quieting my mind. We live in a world of constant noise that assails our senses practically 27/7. After the trauma of dday I eventually decided to look into hypnosis. Figured since I could meditate, maybe this would quiet the triggers that were assaulting my mind.

I looked online and found something. It was not too expensive. So I downloaded it to my phone. First, I listened wide awake. I wanted to make sure I wasn't going to end up going around quacking like a duck  ::) . Then, I tried it. It did work. I used it to work through one trigger at a time. If I felt like I was slipping over the rabbit hole edge at work, I took a break and used it. (Thank goodness for good friends and admins at work, they afforded me that luxury when I needed it in those early days when anxiety attacks were my personal best friends). I would find time at home daily to use it. Today, it is still in my phone, there if I should need it.

This spring, I am thinking of making a small meditation area in our backyard. We back up to a small mountain ridge, which is beautiful and relaxing to just look at. Plus firefly shows nightly during the summer. I am also starting up my small veggie garden again. I had to skip it last year to heal my knee. I need to get back my own mojo again. Also working to strengthen the new knee to get back to doing 5ks. So far I'm at 1 mile comfortably at 10 months post op.

Time for me to once again get back on track with my life goals again.
You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #36 on: March 22, 2017, 06:39:37 PM »
This spring, I am thinking of making a small meditation area in our backyard. We back up to a small mountain ridge, which is beautiful and relaxing to just look at. Plus firefly shows nightly during the summer. I am also starting up my small veggie garden again. I had to skip it last year to heal my knee. I need to get back my own mojo again. Also working to strengthen the new knee to get back to doing 5ks. So far I'm at 1 mile comfortably at 10 months post op.

Your place sounds beautiful.  Good vibes on the continued strengthening.
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9711.0

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline AzioniTopic starter

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #37 on: March 28, 2017, 05:27:05 PM »
I now know something that my H doesn't know I know.

I was out with one of our boys (they are adults now, but will always be boys to me) and we were just chatting. Nothing in particular, just our normal interactions. He asks me what I think about his dad going after a job in the same field as me. I say that I am on board as I know it is something he's truly interested in. Then he tells me what I do not know:

That his dad told him in their conversations about new job idea. He told our son that it would give him more normalized hours .  This would give him opportunity to go back to IC.  (Not even sure why he brought it up with pur son)

Now, H hasn't told me that part of it.  Backstory: Previously H went begrudgingly to MC/IC.  At my insistence. Never went out of his own desire to do so. So this is a  huge step.

I am at odds to why he hasn't told me himself. He's has become clingy lately. H has been literally glued to me at night. A king sized bed and I practically sleep with one butt cheek hanging off. Not sure what to think, and am worried that I am over thinking this. All this makes for a difficult time trying to get my brain to get put of overdrive at night. My sleep has been thrown off.
You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote

Offline barbiedoll

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #38 on: March 28, 2017, 05:52:04 PM »
That does make you fell a little unsettled , but still a positive I would say. It triggers me at times to hear things that my husband never told me. Like is it a secret ? Or is it my continual struggle with trust. I still find my husband very scattered and unfocused at times .. he will say something to someone ( innocently ) and suddenly it is brought up to me and I have to say "oh, I did not know that ". Hmmm . I have had this discussion with my husband and honestly he sometimes has no clue or he was going to tell me , or it was just a remark etc. It makes me very uncomfortable .. so I hear you. I think we can be a little hyper-vigilant to what we "don't know " and we have every right to be . Going back to IC is a very important decision, and yes , difficult to understand why he would not tell you about his thinking that led to this. It may always be a raw spot for us . I know it is for me .
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline stayed

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #39 on: March 28, 2017, 06:40:26 PM »
Interesting!  I wonder why he talk to your son about it but not to you.  Probably thinks he has, or something silly like that.  When you have been married as long as each of us 3 have been, you ASSUME at some point you must have said it.   :o  I find that happens to my h and I a lot.. he will be talking about us doing something and swear he told me... and I am just as sure he hasn't.  Now, with my memory these days... he may very well have told me... but his memory isn't much better... SO WHO THE FIRETRUCK knows...heheheh.

The entire time my h was with his OW, he saw a psychiatrist.  As soon as he returned to me, he stopped and has never returned.  Honestly, I could have used a good shrink when we were reconnecting... I was such a mess.  Of course, we were in Luxembourg and he had been seeing the best shrink in town, so going to that guy was not a good option for me, hehehe.  This shrink was quite pi$$ed when my h returned to me... he said... "I thought we were working on HELPING you to detach from your wife?"

 I think it is safe to say, he was not a pro-marriage shrink.  :o :o

You are both doing fantastic my lovelies... this sure is a long, tough process eh?

Hugs Stayed
« Last Edit: March 28, 2017, 06:43:27 PM by stayed »
Married 39yrs.
Reconciled July 5, 2006

"Don't be so open minded your brains fall out".  by Stephen A. Kallis, Jr.
"We believe marriage is sacred, but it is not our job to save marriages; it is our goal to empower each of you to save your own marriage."

Stayed Husband Letter
The Hero's Spouse Mission Statement
Survival Instructions for Newbies
The Mentor Program
LBS SCRIPT

Offline 31andcounting

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #40 on: March 29, 2017, 07:54:33 AM »
Welcome back and nice to meet you Azioni~

I too am just about 4 years reconciled and so many years of crisis I have lost count!!!

My H and I are the best we have ever been and agree with Stayed that this "thing" was good for us as awful as it was!!  It had to happen or we'd of remained stagnant I guess.

I wonder if your H feels that he may fail or learn things he's afraid of from counseling on his own?  Maybe its simply " a guy thing" to him to talk to his grown son rather than you?  You know like talking sports or hunting?  Just a thought that popped in my head.   

the pain lessons more and more every day!  good for you getting your strength back and a new knee to run with!! 

(hugs)
31
Hurting people hurt people :(

Offline AzioniTopic starter

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #41 on: March 29, 2017, 04:06:42 PM »
I guess that's a way of looking at it 31. A guy thing. I'm in a whole houseful of them. Even our pups are male. So I can understand that point only too well.

However, this is the son most hurt by the whole thing. This son ended up in a hospital at 2 1/2 years after dday. Hospitalized for 4 days. A major factor in our decision to move away from there. I am concerned for him and for H. It's taken years of hard work to help our son recover from what OW did to him. Our son is finally in a good place, happy, and back to himself. I will not risk anything more of this A hurting him if I can prevent it.

My H not communicating with me started this storm. Allowed a vulnerability that was exploited by a truly evil and sick person. We agreed to talk to each other about anything. It's been good for a long while now. This is what has me so confused by this.

Note: I definitely hold my H responsible for what he did, and for allowing this person near our boys. There is way more to this OW than I've put here. She is a very, very sick individual.
You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #42 on: March 30, 2017, 12:21:01 AM »
Your H probably feels awkward about telling you about his need for therapy - maybe he things you'll say "I told your so!"

Mention it to him, the worst thing for a marriage is any secrecy, you've had enough of that when he was in MLC.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8451.80 (Denjef's thread)

Offline stayed

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #43 on: March 30, 2017, 08:34:31 AM »
Your H probably feels awkward about telling you about his need for therapy - maybe he things you'll say "I told your so!"
Mention it to him, the worst thing for a marriage is any secrecy, you've had enough of that when he was in MLC.

Mention it to him, the worst thing for a marriage is any secrecy, you've had enough of that when he was in MLC.


This is very likely TRUE! He's probably right, so what?  He did this, he should expect to wear a few "I told you so"s"  comes with the turf.  I AGREE with saying something about it.  :Letting "things like this" slide, is what got us ALL HERE in the first place.  Every single one of us were too good at "letting things that upset us, go"!  That has to stop.  If it upsets/offends your partner, TOO BAD!

We have all seen, up close and personal, what IGNORING things that pi$$ us off have done for us.  Plus Azioni, this is about your son.  Do not allow your h to use somebody so vulnerable as HIS SOUNDING BOARD!  Your h should get a counselor and anything he has to say to the counselor or anybody else, he should be prepared to say to you. 

Just my personal opinion.  I say whatever flit through this little pea brain mind of mine now... and I have noticed my husband doesn't seem to hold back his thoughts to damn much either.  It's been a good thing for us.  Sure we lock horns... we are going to.  Both he and I are passionate people, both of us feel things hard... best to spit 'em out, lock horns, then step back, have a think and then reengage UNTIL it is sorted. 

That's how we do things now.  I am done IGNORING something that pi$$es me off!  I told my h when he returned, you taught me how to live without you, I no longer need you, I want you in my life but not at the expense of my values, my sanity, my integrity!

Hugs Stayed
Married 39yrs.
Reconciled July 5, 2006

"Don't be so open minded your brains fall out".  by Stephen A. Kallis, Jr.
"We believe marriage is sacred, but it is not our job to save marriages; it is our goal to empower each of you to save your own marriage."

Stayed Husband Letter
The Hero's Spouse Mission Statement
Survival Instructions for Newbies
The Mentor Program
LBS SCRIPT

Offline AzioniTopic starter

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #44 on: March 30, 2017, 06:37:38 PM »
I will talk with him tonight. I know I need to. This hyperthinkimg of things post A makes me nuts sometimes.

Trigger warning
(Vent below...just one of those days...just need to get it out as it's boring a hole in my head)

Funny thing is,  we had good communication,  or so I thought, right up till I went into surgery the year of the A. We could talk about anything, and engage in great discussions as we are both highly intellectual people. I woke up two back to back surgeries later into this nightmare, to a life i did not and sometimes still dont believe sometimes. We have come to understand (when he did go to MC/IC years ago) that he learned to hide his feelings. This was due to being in family business with his mother for decades. A business his father started prior to his passing, a last connection to him. She treated him like a child all the way up to the A. So to not engage with her, he started burying. Losing that business for a huge loss, losing his little brother in a fire, my stepdad passing in my arms, and me being unavailable to communicate with due to pain meds from surgery....all in a matter of about 2 months, tipped his scales too far and it set up the perfect storm. He felt less of a man, didn't think I cared,  and started communicating more with "a family friend". You know, the one who is so sympathetic, and validates all the things he is incorrectly perceiving.

Now at any point, he could have reached for me , but did not. He was getting his ego stroked by OW. (THIS WAS HIS CHOICE,  AND HE IS SOLEY RESPONSIBLE FOR IT.) A person known for years. What wasnt known at the time, this person had a serious crush on him and waited till an opportune time. Even TOLD our oldest in so many words immediately after dday. This was her plan. My being  incapacitated and him vulnerable with depression gave her a golden opportunity.  Her game plan: have an A with my H , knowing i would kick him to the curb because of it, and she'd be there to pick up the pieces when I D him. She told our oldest that in just that way. 

While having A with his father, OW was having explicit conversations with our oldest about her sexual exploits. Just left out that it was with his father. That nugget came to our son's realization on dday. What kind of thing does that to a kid. (He was 19 at the time so not illegal, just sick!!!)

What OW did to our underage son was much much worse. And did that PRIOR to moving on to his father.

The fact that we made it through all of this surprises me more than anyone else. My decision to R was out of an understanding that this was not the man I knew for decades. He was irrational, and first IC was considering an eval. I stayed at first, as I knew he was sick. I owed him that I felt, the old sickness and health thing and for our boys (I didn't know extent with our kids at that point).  I shelved decisions about future.  At the same time, he came back to himself and was horrified. But decided he needed to do the work. That began my steps toward R with him.

You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote

Offline stayed

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #45 on: March 30, 2017, 07:48:09 PM »
Interesting that you mentioned you "stayed because you thought your h was sick"!  That's actually why I stayed in the first place.  I really thought my h was ill.  Mentally, physically possibly or emotionally.  I took a vow to love, honour and cherish until death do us part.  I had no idea what I had signed on for.

All I can say is, hold him accountable.  Ask him why he talked about this to your youngest son.  Be totally frank, tell him that you are especially stunned seeing as ALL THAT HE KNOWS your youngest son went through at the hands of his OW.  Ask him outright... why would you tell him you were thinking of going to an IC.  Maybe your youngest son mentioned to his dad that he was thinking he NEEDED to return to counseling... I have no idea... but I do know, you must not let this fester.  Get the answer my dear... or you will have many more disturbed nights.

I'm with you Azioni, I can't believe we made it this far.

Hugs Stayed
Married 39yrs.
Reconciled July 5, 2006

"Don't be so open minded your brains fall out".  by Stephen A. Kallis, Jr.
"We believe marriage is sacred, but it is not our job to save marriages; it is our goal to empower each of you to save your own marriage."

Stayed Husband Letter
The Hero's Spouse Mission Statement
Survival Instructions for Newbies
The Mentor Program
LBS SCRIPT

Offline AzioniTopic starter

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #46 on: March 31, 2017, 03:00:54 AM »
We talked. He does not remember telling him this.

But I got another thing from him. He lost his wedding band at work, WEEKS ago. Not sure if it coincides. But did not say a word until I asked him about the other. He lost it during last cold snap. They had him working recieving outdoors at another store. That would be approximately a month or so ago. His own words were, that this bothered him. But he did not talk to me about it.  Bothered him SO much, but he didn't really look for it, nor called that store to see if it was found, and did not tell me. This did not make sense, and this caused me another restless night.

History: he lost original ring at work a while before A. I got him a temp ring, as money was tight then. With a promise of new ring when we could. He had A with temp ring on. That temp ring is at the bottom of a lake, deep in the muck by now. We then both wore new silver rings during R, until we were at a place where we renewed vows. We bought  a new gold ring for that occasion. 

Stayed, this is truly crazy making $#*& sometimes. It's definitely an E ticket at Disney style ride. Right now, time actually get up and moving. TGIF!!!



You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote

Offline stayed

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #47 on: March 31, 2017, 08:53:02 AM »
In many ways Azioni, reconciling makes bomb drop look easy!  They really don't help their cause much, these MLCer's.  I will tell you though, it is very difficult not to find yourself looking at your spouse closely, subconsciously I believe, we sort of wait for their CRAY CRAY to return.   It will be 11 years this July for us and I swear we were reconciled a good 3 years when I finally just said... "can't live like this anymore... going to have to trust that if it happens again, I WILL COPE... seriously, what bloody choice do we have?"

To this day though, I occasionally see MLC signs and when I do, I instantly sit my hubby down and have a little chat.  I love this man with all my heart, but I will not do this again.  It would be unfair to me.  Won't do it.  My husband is fully aware of how I feel.  He knows I mean what I say and will follow through.  I have made no secret of my thoughts on this subject. 

Hugs Stayed
Married 39yrs.
Reconciled July 5, 2006

"Don't be so open minded your brains fall out".  by Stephen A. Kallis, Jr.
"We believe marriage is sacred, but it is not our job to save marriages; it is our goal to empower each of you to save your own marriage."

Stayed Husband Letter
The Hero's Spouse Mission Statement
Survival Instructions for Newbies
The Mentor Program
LBS SCRIPT

Offline 31andcounting

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #48 on: March 31, 2017, 09:53:51 AM »
Amen!!!!  it will be 4 years this July for me and I can also say it was at least 3 years until I felt sure !!  Until then I chose to have faith and trust at times!
(hugs)
31
Hurting people hurt people :(

Offline AzioniTopic starter

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #49 on: April 10, 2017, 05:00:42 PM »
After what happened with him holding back things, we had some good conversations about not holding back things that bother us. After, he asked me out for a romantic dinner. So I decided to surprise him.

I went on Amazon and bought him a replacement ring. It's stainless steel and gold plated. And much less expensive than real gold. With my prime, I was able to get it just ahead of our date.

After dinner I asked if we could go to a little place for ice cream. We got cones and went for a walk in our local square. One of favorite places in pur new hometown. Stopped and sat on bench near water feature. It was then I presented him with the new ring.  He was so taken by surprise. He could not believe that I was able to get something that was so close to his lost ring.


Azioni
You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote

Offline 31andcounting

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #50 on: April 11, 2017, 10:12:52 AM »
What a nice post Azioni!  Thank you for sharing.  My H and I do not wear our rings....he talked about getting new ones a couple of Christmas's ago and I said I wanted a commitment ceremony of sorts either between the two of us or with our kids. Nothing more came of it and I made the choice in my head that I really don't think I want to wear rings as we are doing pretty good without them!!  Reading your post makes me thing again :):)
(hugs)
31
Hurting people hurt people :(

Offline Slow Fade

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #51 on: April 11, 2017, 11:50:53 AM »
That is beautiful.....  ;D

I have my H's ring. I confiscated it to keep him from pawning it. I bought him a QALO ring that is made of a synthetic material that is safer for people who work around machinery. It will give if it gets caught so your finger doesn't get pulled off. H wears it around me. For all I know he takes it off and keeps it in his truck, but at least around me he wears it. Will I ever give him back the original one? I don't know. Not at the moment I won't.

I would like to renew our vows but that still makes H break out in a cold sweat!  ::)
Married 18
BD April 2012
Left home Nov 2012
Home May 2016

Offline AzioniTopic starter

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #52 on: April 11, 2017, 04:33:48 PM »
After we were on the road to R, we bought "recommitment " rings. Made of steel, and a cz engagement ring. He reproposed to me on a hilltop at sunset on an important date to us. We did a vow renewal on a beach at sunrise with our boys there as witnesses.  We took the steel rings off and threw them symbolically into the ocean, I put my original band back on, he got a new gold one to replace lost one. That's the ring he lost at work a few weeks ago.  (Yeah, he's not getting another real gold ring 😜)

I got him a cheap ring after he lost the original wedding band, a temp until we had $ to replace it. It did not look anything like his original band. This temp ring, the one worn during A, the one he wore while with her., it's at the bottom of a lake in the muck. Where it belongs.
You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote

Offline stayed

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #53 on: April 11, 2017, 07:18:31 PM »
My husband wanted to have a VOW RENEWAL ceremony.  I admit, I was not very gracious at the time, the very idea at that time repulsed me.  In a sense it frightened me, as I truly felt fear about the possibility of breaking another set of vows.  Silly of me, I know, but it seemed just too RISKY. 

I still feel no need of another ceremony.  I had to have my wedding set redone, as it was so thin it was on the point of snapping.  We laughed at the time, because it cost more to have this tiny little set repaired then what he paid for it initially. I must say though, I am so glad I had it repaired, as really another set would not have had the same sentimental value as this set has for me.  Even in spite of the broken vows, hehehe. 

My h's first wedding band was lost as well. I replaced it at the 20 year point and although he took it off, off and on, throughout his crisis (I expect OW didn't appreciate him wearing it, hehehe)  he somehow manage to hold onto it and wears it to this day.

Personal choice, for sure! 

Hugs Stayed
Married 39yrs.
Reconciled July 5, 2006

"Don't be so open minded your brains fall out".  by Stephen A. Kallis, Jr.
"We believe marriage is sacred, but it is not our job to save marriages; it is our goal to empower each of you to save your own marriage."

Stayed Husband Letter
The Hero's Spouse Mission Statement
Survival Instructions for Newbies
The Mentor Program
LBS SCRIPT

Offline 31andcounting

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #54 on: April 12, 2017, 07:57:11 AM »
I still have my set and his band!  I kind of feel the same way as you Stayed. Not real sure I want it all again, remember I've had my set off twice now so even though I love it and what it means to me, not sure I want it back on my hand! Not sure I want any ring on my hand!!   Right before BD he gave a "grandma" ring for my other hand!   I have a hard time wearing that too as much as I love my grandkids!!  Guess it's just part of the fall out of MLCis.

31
Hurting people hurt people :(

Offline stayed

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #55 on: April 12, 2017, 08:34:19 AM »
I hear you 31andcounting.  It's pretty crazy but I think I'm almost superstitious about it, lol.  Besides I feel like I am protecting us from breaking ANY MORE really important oaths.  I mean, IF THERE IS A HEAVEN... I don't want to find us sitting down there in a fiery hell because we broke more then one too many OATHS.  Those things are important stuff.  They are about character!  I would just as soon, carry on being with my hubby and keeping my expectations in regards to HIS personal values and morals as low as possible, and worry about maintaining my own. Tough enough keeping me on track, let alone him.  I am no saint, by some good fortune I have never cheated... but whose to say, eh?

I try never to say never, while not "taunting" or "offending" the God's... any of them.  Cause I don't care which one you pray too, they all think very poorly of those who BETRAY, are not LOYAL and break OATHS.  Bad monkeys! 

By the way, I wear my original set and some other rings he has given me over the years... but NO OATHS... no taking our vows a second time.  No thank you! 

Hugs Stayed

« Last Edit: April 12, 2017, 08:36:18 AM by stayed »
Married 39yrs.
Reconciled July 5, 2006

"Don't be so open minded your brains fall out".  by Stephen A. Kallis, Jr.
"We believe marriage is sacred, but it is not our job to save marriages; it is our goal to empower each of you to save your own marriage."

Stayed Husband Letter
The Hero's Spouse Mission Statement
Survival Instructions for Newbies
The Mentor Program
LBS SCRIPT

Offline AzioniTopic starter

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #56 on: April 12, 2017, 06:28:38 PM »
Unfortunately our boys were dragged as additional victims into and through this mess . When we R'd we knew that we needed something to symbolically close that chapter and begin another. Not forgetting it or rugsweeping, but a new point of reference other than BD.  This whole thing showed them 2 things.

1- an affair is a very devastating thing. You hurt the one person who loved you unconditionally in the absolute worst way possible. Hurt them so badly that parts of that trauma will be forever with them.

2- real marriages take real work. Not everyday will be flowers and candy. It takes two truly committed people who are willing to do the work. If you are not ready for that, then you aren't ready for "I do"

So Just we and our boys did this. Could he break these vows, yes. But he knows the consequence for doing so as well. He got a huge gift of a second chance, he would not get a third.
You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote

Offline 31andcounting

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #57 on: April 13, 2017, 06:22:18 AM »
I agree with everything you said Azioni~  My H knows I will only wear rings if there is a new commitment "ceremony" of sorts.  Otherwise I'm in this but without "just a band" on my hand!!   A new ring will not mean a ring to me with a new commitment.  I feel as though we have made a new commitment effort but no "ceremony".
31
Hurting people hurt people :(

Offline AzioniTopic starter

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #58 on: May 11, 2017, 02:23:03 AM »
Sorry I haven't posted in a little bit. End of school year craziness with state testing. Plus a certification exam for me. My first in almost 30 years. I passed it the first time without even studying. (I wasnt sure what to expect, so i went in cold to see.) Took the test on a computer, so now I totally understand the students frustration with that. It was an English certification so there was quite a bit of passage reading. So in the fall I get "freshies" as I will be teaching English 1. Yay me....i think 😜
You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #59 on: May 11, 2017, 03:16:26 AM »
Congratulations Azioni!!
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8451.80 (Denjef's thread)

Offline 31andcounting

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #60 on: May 11, 2017, 06:24:48 AM »
Yay for you Azioni!!
31
Hurting people hurt people :(

Offline stayed

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #61 on: May 11, 2017, 07:25:00 PM »
You clever Lady!  :)  Well done! 

Hugs Stayed
Married 39yrs.
Reconciled July 5, 2006

"Don't be so open minded your brains fall out".  by Stephen A. Kallis, Jr.
"We believe marriage is sacred, but it is not our job to save marriages; it is our goal to empower each of you to save your own marriage."

Stayed Husband Letter
The Hero's Spouse Mission Statement
Survival Instructions for Newbies
The Mentor Program
LBS SCRIPT

Offline Mary A

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #62 on: May 13, 2017, 06:44:33 AM »
Azioni, it's very interesting to read your thread! Hope everything keeps being all right with you!
We have all learnt from your story!
Hugs
M: 43
H 49
T : 26
BD: April, 2016
EA: discovered March,27, 2017. Lasted for about 6 months.

Offline Never say never

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #63 on: May 13, 2017, 03:42:53 PM »
Congratulations, A!!!  You should be so proud of yourself!!

Offline AzioniTopic starter

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #64 on: May 13, 2017, 04:13:43 PM »
This is my second year at the high school in our new state. Finally felt like I had really gotten my mojo back after a year on crutches and last summer's knee replacement.  Had 3 good observations this year.  Got a new certification on my first try at the exam.  It's funny how 1 person can completely gut you.

I've been putting a spreadsheet together of students' levels pre and post. Utilizing collected data from the year. Now I'm teaching this reading intervention 3 blocks a day. The other teacher 1, and barely at that. So I had asked her a few times for her students data so I could input it into the spreadsheet.  Well, yesterday she was rather crass with me and ended with a statement that she will do it next year, felt like i was bossing her, and how she is buddy with our AP and this wasn't quite what the AP wanted. (AP= asst principal). I was livid. I spent the next 3 hours adding the only real constructive input she gave me. My asst was worried as she never saw me so quiet, and red. But i kept composure as we had students all afternoon.

I was beyond PO'd. So when I got home, I didn't want dinner, I did  not want to be around anybody. I went to bed early.  Severe stress still triggers the anxiety response so none of this helped me either.

Well, this morning, after I got up, H took me in his arms. Told me that I'm a damn good teacher, the kids made progress with me, they liked the class, and that this other person was just feeling threatened because I did well. He also planned a mother's day bbq at home for me with our boys.  Just so I could decompress and enjoy my weekend without the crowds of people at the restaurants.
You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote

Offline Never say never

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #65 on: May 13, 2017, 04:27:01 PM »
OMG, A, isn't that better than anything?  Seriously.  Happy Mother's Day to you.  Your husband loves you more than anything.  It is so obvious.  I look forward (hopefully) to that day happening again.

Enjoy your day tomorrow.  Savor every single moment.  I will be living vicariously through you.  xoxo

Offline stayed

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #66 on: May 13, 2017, 07:52:12 PM »
Oh my... what a cow!  Never mind A, you're doing great, she's jealous and that's her problem. 

Have a great day tomorrow.  Love your h planning all this for you.  Lovely, lovely! 

Hugs Stayed
Married 39yrs.
Reconciled July 5, 2006

"Don't be so open minded your brains fall out".  by Stephen A. Kallis, Jr.
"We believe marriage is sacred, but it is not our job to save marriages; it is our goal to empower each of you to save your own marriage."

Stayed Husband Letter
The Hero's Spouse Mission Statement
Survival Instructions for Newbies
The Mentor Program
LBS SCRIPT

Online Whyus

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #67 on: May 14, 2017, 01:31:12 AM »
Interesting Diskussion about the Rings Girls.
MyW took hers off a while before BD. She had lost weight apparently and it kept sliding.. it was in the bedroom in a Plate with other Bits n Bobs. I took my Ring Off after I found Out about Toyboy. I Put it somewhere Safe, and hers too. Do you think she's even noticed in 10 Weeks??? Of course not, i find that very disturbing.
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 44
W: 44
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28. Trainings partner. Still together
2 Sons - 18 & 19
2 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Filed
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0
T10. http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9547.0

Offline AzioniTopic starter

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #68 on: May 15, 2017, 03:03:09 PM »
Yesterday was great. Time with all my men...priceless. Our boys even washed the dogs, which is an undertaking since one is a lab mix. He tries to eat the water from the hose. I even made their favorite from scratch, apple pie.

Today,  that coworker really made a fool of herself via email to reading supervisor. Asking same question I answered for her on Friday. She got exact same answer, but there was a back and forth as she didn't "get it" the first time it was explained to her. She had cc'd me. I only wish she had cc'd the asst principal. 😛
You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote

Offline AzioniTopic starter

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #69 on: May 16, 2017, 03:06:52 PM »
Somebody upstairs has a sick sense of humor. We have a bird nesting now on top of one of the pillars on our front porch. Let's just say, it is a trigger. I'm a nature lover so taking it down is not an option. H doesn't know yet since he's at work right now.
You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote

Offline AzioniTopic starter

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #70 on: May 19, 2017, 04:06:29 PM »
H did not even make the connection when I told him about the birdie. He just thought it was cute. I opted not to tell him after I found out this type has special meaning. It is a sign of a lost loved one. This month was my mother's birthday, so I'm taking it as her watching over me and her grandsons. She loved being a grandma so much!!  She passed when they were very young. As young men, they insist on visiting her gravesite whenever we go down to visit family. She would be so damn proud of the men they have become. I'm kinda surprised she didn't haunt my H after what he did🤣.

This was the last full week of school. What a crazy week. Teenagers chomping at the bit for summer, schedule changes to accommodate final exams, working out numbers for next year, and trying to break the room down for summer. I've been exhausted all week. Tonight H said to go upstairs, lay down, put on a movie, and that he was picking up a pizza so I can just rest. I work tomorrow for graduation (I so love being at graduation of my kiddos),  so he wanted me to just relax tonight. He also washed our bedding and remade the bed too.

So, all in all, a pretty good week. I'm glad I didn't let the trigger get me down.

Happy Friday to all
((Hugs))

A
You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote

Offline AzioniTopic starter

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #71 on: June 08, 2017, 04:14:20 AM »
I have realized that being a BS is seeming to be a lifelong process. It's amazing how a song, a scent, a movie/tv show, etc. can just rear it's ugly head and cause a trigger in my head. Do they crash and burn me? Well, not nearly as bad as they once did. But I would be lying if I said that it does not pop into my head daily. It's like a malware program just running in the background of my brain. If it gets a footing, it may crash the whole unit.

Does a WS really get the entire gravity of the lifelong punishment they subject us to? Whether D,S,or R, it will always be there lurking in the background. For me personally since I decided on R, I have a daily reminder in the form of the person who decided this for me. He is doing all the right things, but there is still that malware left in my head by him.
You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #72 on: June 08, 2017, 05:09:09 AM »
I completely understand the constant reminder of what the MLCer did, although I would like to reconcile, just looking at H would be a constant reminder for the rest of my life about what he did to his family.

I am told it gets better just like the memory of the BD dies but as you say, t never gfoes away completely, runs in the background.

Take care

(((((((Hugs)))))))
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8451.80 (Denjef's thread)

Offline 31andcounting

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #73 on: June 08, 2017, 05:46:25 AM »
I have that malware lurking too Azioni........it is more noticeable at different times. Most times I forget it's there but when something "happens" and I suddenly trigger it becomes front and center and locks my screen!!! 
It has been that type of week for me.  I think I need to just push the button and reboot!   I can't fix it I just need to shut it (me) down and restart if you get what I mean??

We are about to take a trip to the same place that I first realized H was no longer H.  Attending a wedding there ( same reason for the first trip years ago during his crisis)   I am hoping "new memories" there will help bury the old ones!

I chose our relationship too, time to live it!

(hugs)
31
Hurting people hurt people :(

Offline Slow Fade

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #74 on: June 08, 2017, 08:51:29 AM »
Quote
He is doing all the right things, but there is still that malware left in my head by him.

I like the malware analogy. I totally have that too and sometimes it does seem to want to take over. Its a conscious decision each time to reboot and send it to the background.

Even in reconciliation there are major changes to deal with. You are not the same, your spouse is not the same and the scars will always be there. BUT, you can create a new/old relationship and rebuild a stronger house together. Scars may not go away, but they do fade. Slowly.  ;) :D
Married 18
BD April 2012
Left home Nov 2012
Home May 2016

Offline AzioniTopic starter

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #75 on: June 08, 2017, 10:58:23 AM »
Most days I can put it in the background. However, every so often it still runs in the background threatening to drain my battery. Maybe it's just the time of year. It seems the malware is just sending out unwanted pop-up.
You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote

Offline AzioniTopic starter

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #76 on: June 17, 2017, 11:24:20 AM »
We have added to our family. A new little one. He has four legs, fur, and lots of love. Just another step in life moving forward.
You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #77 on: June 18, 2017, 10:45:30 PM »
Welcome to your new little one!!
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8451.80 (Denjef's thread)

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #78 on: June 19, 2017, 01:35:39 PM »
Awww...congrats on your new fur baby!
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9711.0

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline AzioniTopic starter

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #79 on: June 28, 2017, 03:44:23 AM »
Sorry not to have been posting lately. The new member of our family is a little, almost 50 lb,  handful. He managed to jump up on our pub height table -without using a chair!!
🐶
You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #80 on: July 02, 2017, 05:20:49 PM »
You have one very big baby there Azioni!!
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8451.80 (Denjef's thread)

Offline AzioniTopic starter

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #81 on: July 25, 2017, 01:20:53 PM »
Yes, big and a bit nuts.

Today he got into ibuprofen.  This meant an emergency trip to vet. He will be fine. No liver damage. Just a very very sleepy pup this afternoon due to everything and what they had to do to him. All this today, and he turns 1 this week.

I've spent all afternoon with him sleeping on me. H has already offered to order dinner in so I can take care of our fur baby.
You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote

Offline Seeing The Light

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #82 on: July 27, 2017, 01:44:14 PM »
Following along and catching up.  I'm glad to hear your furbaby is going to be ok!  I always worry about that with ours, she's such a destroyer.  I can't wait till she grows up more so that we don't have to worry about it as much.
"Nothing others do is because of you.  What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream.  When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering."  - don Miguel Ruiz

The Four Agreements by don Miguel Ruiz
1. Be impeccable with your word.
2. Don't take anything personally.
3. Don't make assumptions.
4. Always do your best.

My Journey: http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9093.0

Offline AzioniTopic starter

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #83 on: July 27, 2017, 06:08:57 PM »
Good news:
The new fur baby is back to his terrible tornado self. :) Tomorrow is follow up with vet to check his levels, bit I think they will come back fine. Unlike my sock that he and his older fur brother played tug of war with today.
You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote

Offline barbiedoll

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #84 on: July 27, 2017, 07:06:35 PM »
Hello Azioni ... I do lurk about on your thread and see how re-building ( whatever we call it ) is going for others whose husbands have returned . I see we have similar struggles and still reminded of what happened . It does get easier, but it is a permanent presence of "malware ".I like that .

Quote
Does a WS really get the entire gravity of the lifelong punishment they subject us to? Whether D,S,or R, it will always be there lurking in the background. For me personally since I decided on R, I have a daily reminder in the form of the person who decided this for me. He is doing all the right things, but there is still that malware left in my head by him.
.

I too wonder if he will ever get the depth of injury he inflicted on his family . I have asked him.. he says he sees the pain he has caused, he knows the extreme hurt and he will pay for it "the rest of his life" .. but he cannot truly feel the emotion because it is "mine and not his ". He is sorry but he cannot "feel the same emotions and pain as I do"... but he sees it and he is so incredibly sorry. Some days .. it just is not enough. It will always be there , forever. I also get triggers every single day.. every day. Some mild and easily dismissed , some are emotionally crippling. But they are weakening in their power over me . But I do not think they will ever be gone.
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline Shocked

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #85 on: July 27, 2017, 08:23:03 PM »
Following your journey Azioni. You are kind to come back and post!!! It's good to read a story of R. Not just for hope but to see what R is. Best of luck to you!!!
I care🤗
H 51
W 58
M 22 Years
2 AD both married from my first M
BD 12/15 moved out-in replay, vanisher, MOW in Atlanta
D 2/17

Offline Mae

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #86 on: July 28, 2017, 12:52:18 AM »
Yes Barbie, I get triggered when I hear certain songs that bring back BD#1, that was a long time ago now and I don't really feel pain from it any more, so maybe there will come a time when you remember but it no longer affects you negatively. I hope so.

I remember reading on someone's thread (sorry I forget who mentioned this) but they were saying that basically MLC 'taints' the relationship, that you react a certain way (needlessly mostly) because of MLC and that if it had never happened, you wouldn't have reacted that way. I think this is SO true. This reaction describes not only triggers but also ordinary actions, I think the example was Acorn's H getting up from his seat next to her to talk with other people, an action which Acorn perceived to be deliberately a reaction to 'her' (Acorn if you are reading please correct me as necessary) but most likely wasn't about her at all.
Me: 49
H: 40
S18, D15
Together for 19 years
BDay in 2004, 2011 and now March 5 2017
Ran away on 5 March BD
No OW
Returned home 'underdone' 1 July 2017.
Left again 22 October 2017.
H - Medicated & Zombie Like is NC

Offline Acorn

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #87 on: July 28, 2017, 02:26:22 AM »
Yes, Mae, hurrying along and standing at attention!  I've been summoned!

Yes, you are right, the musical chairs incident was perceived by me as H not wanting to sit next me because I've got cooties!  It was my assumption, of course!  I would not even have noticed that he changed seat pre-MLC!  Such innocuous things can be interpreted differently because of MLC.  I got more than enough deliberate physical touch avoidances that it was almost natural for me to assume he was moving to another seat just to avoid my unpleasant company.  Yeh, it is all very sad.... 

Of course my assumption could be right!!!!  See, how MLC taints everything?  I HATE this stupid MLC!!!!
Feb 2015: H has a Nuclear meltdown.  A tear-fest.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Still home

Offline 31andcounting

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #88 on: July 28, 2017, 06:04:32 AM »
so many truths written here!   I am exactly 4 years reconciled and barbie I agree, I don't think triggers ever leave!   Why would they?  We have been "forever changed" from this terrible dis-ease and will never view things the way we did prior to crisis!
And when they "move seats"  why wouldn't our first thought be? he doesn't want to be near me???  Any type of similar MLC action will throw our mind right there!!

Things have certainly changed for me because of my H's crisis!  BUT these thoughts and triggers and feelings do not last terribly long and I now have the security of knowing the negative effect will end!  It always does!  And I also know I have some control over them, imagine that?

Mae I hope you get good  test results for your fur baby :)
(hugs)
31
Hurting people hurt people :(

Offline AzioniTopic starter

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #89 on: July 28, 2017, 05:14:34 PM »
I'm glad some are finding some useful tidbits from my journey. For me, I have found writing to be cathartic.  My first year or two, I kept an old fashioned  (by today's standards) paper and pencil journal. I poured so much hurt and venom in there. Just to get it from racing around my head like a NASCAR race. Round and round with no end.

As I decided on R, I knew that I had to burn those thoughts, since they would fester and make R impossible at best. My H had bought us a firebowl right after my colposcopy due to my HPV diagnosis and possible cancer diagnosis.  A direct result of his A. But I digress.....
We sat outside, drinking wine on a cool, clear night. I burned the pages one at a time and released it into the universe. With him by my side.

I also wrote poetry. During endless hours of state testing during that time my mind would try to run around unsupervised.  I was allowed paper and pencil to doodle, so i used it to help me survive.  I decided to focus the hurt and pain. To pen it in and take it. I forced my mind to work out the pain through prose. It sounds crazy, I know but it worked. I did eventually print them and shared them with my H. I think that made him aware of how deep that hurt and pain went. For me to write pages and pages, poems and poems spoke volumes to him. I can't write like that except if I'm in pain. Don't ask me why, as i haven't figured it out myself. I still have them in a binder.

Prayers and ((hugs)) to all ❤

You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #90 on: July 31, 2017, 10:54:58 PM »
I have found journalling here good for my healing and also as a record of what I have survived.

If I feel like contacting H when I am angry, I write a letter, read it over and throw it away - works every time.

I will keep in mind the poetry writing for reconciliation and hope I get the chance.

You sound really good Azioni.  I suppose their will always be triggers but they, like the memory of BD, fade over time.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8451.80 (Denjef's thread)

Offline AzioniTopic starter

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #91 on: August 01, 2017, 02:21:41 PM »
SF-I have likened it to a scar. Its always there, but you dont always remember its there.

This trauma absolutely leaves us traumatized/scared. As we get further from BD it consumes less and less conscious energy. But it can hit in a moment of a movie, a song, a conversation, a smell, etc. It's imprinted unfortunately.

If you would like to see some of the poetry, pm me.

((Hugs)) SF

-Azioni
You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote

Offline AzioniTopic starter

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #92 on: August 05, 2017, 04:59:37 AM »
So...its back to work time. We were asked to set up Google voice.   Is it bad that my first instinctual thought was

Great, now cheaters don't even need to buy a burner phone"

For those who don't know, this is how it works:
You use your same phone, download app, pick a different number, and now your cell has a second number among other things. All linked to your Google world.

I mean, for what I do, it's really a great idea. Provides necessary documentation without investing in another phone. I am an educator, so I really don't want parents/students having my personal number. Text to speech is set to go to my school email, so are texts. So a parent can't say I never tried to reach out to them. It will be a wonderful tool for me.

But.....dang 😣
You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #93 on: August 07, 2017, 11:35:00 PM »
Hi Azioni,  My cheater H didn't buy a burner phone, just used his own and allowed me to find the texts from the OW's.

I think they want us to find them so they can BD us.  The new Google voice does sound like it will be good for you.  It's handy having a number for work and one for home.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8451.80 (Denjef's thread)

Offline AzioniTopic starter

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #94 on: August 11, 2017, 08:41:40 PM »
This was always my favorite time of year. The energy and drive of a new school year for the kiddos. I find that I'm finally beginning to feel a twinge of that again. At least until a breeze flows through my head whispering it is A season.  It's a shadow that eclipses the warm sun. Being busy helps, but it sits running in the background just waiting for the brain to hit the play button. It doesn't grind me to a halt, but it's a sadness that may or may not ever leave. I try to stay focused and try to remember to get in some exercise.

Sometimes I wish I was Albus Dumbledore,  so I could take a magic wand and just pull this out of my brain. I do have the wand, but I don't remember the spell  ::)
You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #95 on: August 15, 2017, 02:30:49 AM »
Azioni, if I had a magic wand, I would turn H into a frog for the remainder of his MLC so he can't do as much damage sitting on that lily pad ;D Let's cut the frog bit and just take the MLC away.  If we did they would have to do all the work faster to get better - still a long road.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8451.80 (Denjef's thread)

Offline AzioniTopic starter

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #96 on: August 19, 2017, 07:41:51 PM »
It's been a bad week of triggering for me. My colleague is going through A hell. STBXH left her/kids about a year ago, and one adult child is going through a major illness. In the midst of all of this, decided to serve her.

So I'm trying to help out with things while she is with her child. Puts me into additional stress trying to do extra work while in early weeks of school year. But I knew I needed to help her, I know how it feels, and I remember those who helped me. Last night, I got home, put my feet up, and just began to sob. Not even sure why. It was just floodgates. My H tried to console me, and was there just listening to it all while hugging me.

You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote

Offline OffRoad

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #97 on: August 19, 2017, 08:58:31 PM »
It's been a bad week of triggering for me. My colleague is going through A hell. STBXH left her/kids about a year ago, and one adult child is going through a major illness. In the midst of all of this, decided to serve her.
Sigh. Of course he did. I wish I could fathom in any way why they need to do this type of thing.

Quote
So I'm trying to help out with things while she is with her child. Puts me into additional stress trying to do extra work while in early weeks of school year. But I knew I needed to help her, I know how it feels, and I remember those who helped me. Last night, I got home, put my feet up, and just began to sob. Not even sure why. It was just floodgates. My H tried to console me, and was there just listening to it all while hugging me.
I would guess it's a pretty emotional trigger for you, to watch someone else have to go through this. You are an incredibly good friend, to pay it forward when it cannot be easy to watch.

She is very lucky you are her friend.

When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline Mary A

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #98 on: August 22, 2017, 06:20:10 PM »
Arizoni, I can understand how you feel . There are days on which I feel everything is a trigger. I cannot imagine what it would be like having a friend who is going through such a situation.

As Offroad said, she`s lucky to have you!

Stay strong!
M: 43
H 49
T : 26
BD: April, 2016
EA: discovered March,27, 2017. Lasted for about 6 months.

Offline 31andcounting

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #99 on: August 23, 2017, 06:10:59 AM »
Gosh this is tough for you to deal with!   My girlfriend that kept me upright during my H's crisis suddenly "decided" she didn't love her H and was leaving him....(but she said me and H were different, we belonged together???)  it  happened when her mother died unexpectedly (MLC???)
Anyway both she and her H were our friends, She got me started working out and we were together everyday, she (along with this site) saved me!!
H and I were trying to reconnect then reconcile and she and her H were splitting.  Her H would call me all the time and try to talk. it was terrible and brought me right back to a very bad place.  My H called him and asked him to stop questioning me as it was upsetting me.  We have not heard from him since, I worry all the time about him :(
My new DIL decided to up and leave our son 1 year after their wedding!  They had dated 7 years prior to the wedding?????  I always wonder if I missed signs because I was so wrapped up in H and his crisis???

Your friend is lucky you are so strong Azioni!!!

I work hard every day to "let these feelings go"  It is the past and it does get better and better, that time thing again!
(hugs)
31
Hurting people hurt people :(

Offline AzioniTopic starter

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #100 on: August 23, 2017, 04:47:12 PM »
It's a high wire act for sure.
Nobody here knows what happened prior to our move, nor what precipitated it. So I'm trying to guide her without giving anything away. I am fighting just to breathe some days and I fear it will be worse as we head into heart of A season.

You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote

Offline 31andcounting

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #101 on: August 24, 2017, 06:11:02 AM »
You will have days you handle it better than other days, you are human!  But I have no doubt you will handle it!  You are strong and healthy and full on compassion. 

This won't break you!
(hugs)
31
Hurting people hurt people :(

Offline AzioniTopic starter

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #102 on: August 24, 2017, 04:19:51 PM »
Well, the stress won't break me, but it did my tooth. I guess I have been grinding teeth at night due to the stress. I broke part of my tooth in back. Now I need to get antibiotic called in so I can go to a dentist. (I've had joint replacement so it's protocol).

 Ughhhhh😣
You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote

Offline Mary A

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #103 on: August 24, 2017, 06:36:03 PM »
Sorry about your tooth!  :-[
M: 43
H 49
T : 26
BD: April, 2016
EA: discovered March,27, 2017. Lasted for about 6 months.

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #104 on: August 26, 2017, 05:40:34 PM »
Oh man, sorry to hear about your tooth.  And the stress. 
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9711.0

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Online Whyus

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #105 on: August 28, 2017, 11:05:11 AM »
Hmmm interesting. W got a teeth guard about 6 Months before bd because she was grinding teeth in her sleep...
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 44
W: 44
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28. Trainings partner. Still together
2 Sons - 18 & 19
2 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Filed
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0
T10. http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9547.0

Offline AzioniTopic starter

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #106 on: August 28, 2017, 05:06:17 PM »
I've never had an issue before. It's a lot of stress right now and o guess I'm reacting to it in my sleep. I can't wait to get past A season. Maybe that will help some of it.
You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote

Offline AzioniTopic starter

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #107 on: August 29, 2017, 03:00:45 PM »
I've decided to start using my hypnosis again. It's still on my phone, so I'm going to use it. I'm hoping it will remind my subconscious how to deal with trigger stress related to A season, and dealing with my friend. Maybe, just maybe, I can find the balance I need right now. I started this morning, so I'll let you all know if I'm successful.  It's worked well for me previously, so here's hoping.
You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #108 on: August 29, 2017, 09:49:43 PM »
Lessening the stress is really important Azioni.  I used to post things like "H makes me stressed" and other such stuff but in the end it's MY reaction to what he is doing that causes the stress and not H himself.  Once I owned that I was making things worse with my overactive imagination or circular thoughts, things calmed a little.

Maybe some meditation would help you?  Some mindfulness exercises? Getting some time out from overthinking will help heaps.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8451.80 (Denjef's thread)

Offline AzioniTopic starter

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #109 on: August 31, 2017, 02:15:36 PM »
I've been on AD for a few years now.
It doesnt help that A happened at school year start. So the excessive stress of getting classes up and running combined with A season is still a trigger I work to beat down. It gets better each year little by little. I try to stay busy for the first week of Sept.  The hypnosis seems to take edge off.
You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #110 on: August 31, 2017, 10:43:34 PM »
Do whatever works Azioni, I am sure you've had enough experience to know what works well for you.

Hope your days is going well :)
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8451.80 (Denjef's thread)

Online Whyus

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #111 on: August 31, 2017, 11:09:31 PM »
Do what you have to Azioni, anything which relieves stress is good. I personally have too much respect from Hypnosis and it scares me a little to be honest.
I use detachment meditation Youtube videos. They really help you to calm down and also gets you to sleep.
Sometimes ill come home from work and lie on the bed for 30minutes meditation, sometimes its when I go to bed.
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 44
W: 44
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28. Trainings partner. Still together
2 Sons - 18 & 19
2 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Filed
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0
T10. http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9547.0

Offline AzioniTopic starter

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #112 on: September 01, 2017, 01:44:26 PM »
I did yoga/meditation. Since I could meditate, I tried hypnosis. I found a download online. Cost no more than a meal out.  I listened to it first. I didn't want to go around clucking like a chicken or something. This one dealt with surviving the infidelity whether D or R. Works on tackling each trigger.
You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote

Offline AzioniTopic starter

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #113 on: September 25, 2017, 03:11:48 PM »
Deep in the heart of A season. Actually,  today is the anniversary of my last ND (normal day). I would lie if I said it doesn't still sting. It does. Over time it has lost some punch, but it is still a scar. They heal, but still remind us of what did happen. I guess it doesn't help that everyone in the house works this evening. Too much alone time and no distraction.
You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote

Offline 31andcounting

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #114 on: September 26, 2017, 06:04:41 AM »
Honestly I am not sure it ever leaves completely??? 
Hope you were good to yourself and just relaxed!  sigh
(((hugs)))
31
Hurting people hurt people :(

Offline AzioniTopic starter

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #115 on: September 26, 2017, 02:48:36 PM »
Sometimes it still pisses me off that HE chose this for ME. There will never be anything to truly take this trauma from me. I've kept busy today, but am feeling it now that I'm home, again by myself.  I think maybe that is exasperating it right now.
You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #116 on: September 27, 2017, 02:12:57 AM »
Keep up the meditation Azioni, it will help.

I wish I had a solution to the ongoing troubles following MLC, but it does seem to keep on going.  For those of us who are still waiting for the end, it never leaves.  I also get sick of the stress it creates and would love a break from it all.

You are doing great and we are here when you need us.

(((((((Hugs)))))))
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8451.80 (Denjef's thread)

Offline AzioniTopic starter

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #117 on: October 01, 2017, 12:39:27 PM »
For some reason this antiversary is hitting me hard. Maybe it is too much alone time as everyone's schedules seem to leave me by myself weeknights and pretty much all weekend. I've been trying to do some fall cleaning just to keep occupied. Organizing, deep vacuuming,  and shampooing rugs. Anything just to keep mind somewhere else. Thses dates just won't leave my head this time no matter how much I've tried meditating.

The end of this week a close neighbor from our old home is coming up for the weekend. She is seriously considering a move here. I think that may help quite a bit. Taking her around, and house hunting with my realtor.  It would be nice to have someone from the old block up here to bum around with.
You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #118 on: October 02, 2017, 04:58:29 AM »
I hope your neighbor decides to move Azioni, what a great change of focus it would be for you.

Fingers crossed......
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8451.80 (Denjef's thread)

Offline Anjae

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #119 on: October 02, 2017, 04:28:59 PM »
Hope you're feeling better, Azioni.

And that your neighbour moves there.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline barbiedoll

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #120 on: October 02, 2017, 05:00:36 PM »
I read along Azioni , I understand the continued struggles . Indeed I have thought "HE chose this for ME?" and that thought will kick up an anger that I unleash . I have ( at times) been successful in "changing my thoughts" as soon as I recognize that I am feeding my own pain. I can make a different choice in my thoughts. Truthfully , it is not foolproof and I have days where nothing will stop the memories and the hurt.. but I guess that is "normal". Pretty $h!tety normal at times ... all for someone elses actions. You are not alone .
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline AzioniTopic starter

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #121 on: October 10, 2017, 06:56:28 PM »
 Had an incredible weekend catching up with my former neighbor. Looked at homes and areas. Hoping she decides to move here. It would be very nice to have an old friend here.
You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #122 on: October 10, 2017, 09:37:58 PM »
Sounds like she is going to ;D ;D

Waiting for the good news
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8451.80 (Denjef's thread)

Offline AzioniTopic starter

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #123 on: November 12, 2017, 02:36:46 PM »
It's been a crazy few months. I'm slowly weaning off AD's after being on them for a few years. At the same time, the person who watches things for me, let me know OW had considered getting in touch with my H months ago. (They watch for posts and only let me know if there is something I need to know) WTH!! How could it even think about/miss my H after all the crap it put us through. Definitely a very, very sick individual.

I told my H and we discussed. He gave me his phone when I asked to make sure no 'random' requests get through. I have access to all of his stuff and he agrees that it OW ever contacts, we will pursue RO so fast it will make its head spin! We will do whatever we have to to protect our family from this crazy individual.
You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #124 on: November 12, 2017, 07:36:01 PM »
Good luck with weaning off the medication Azioni.  This MLC thing is a long road to healing. 

You must be doing really well to be considering tapering off these.

If OW ever contacts, she had better have her running shoes on!!
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8451.80 (Denjef's thread)

Offline AzioniTopic starter

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #125 on: November 13, 2017, 02:39:37 PM »
 We have already decided that we will bring in police if OW decides to make ANY contact. The best response is keeping windows and doors closed to her. If OW violates our lives again, it will be met with the law smacking her in the face!
You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #126 on: November 14, 2017, 01:33:31 AM »
The boundaries are for someone else now Azioni  ;D
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8451.80 (Denjef's thread)

Offline AzioniTopic starter

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #127 on: November 19, 2017, 04:50:48 PM »
I've been in pain a week now. Either I've pulled a muscle in my lower back or kidney infection.  Quick culture was inconclusive for infection, so waiting on full screen results. If it's muscular it makes me wonder, how much does stress play a factor in muscular aches. I was never so sore until all this stress.
 Does it correlate?
Do we inherently internalize and cause stress fatigue on our bodies in an effort to appear "fine"?
All in an effort to put our face on for our children, our job, and for society. There seem to be those around us who will never understand reconciling with a cheater spouse.  Prior to this, I would have been in that column. But you cannot decide unless you are walking the path. I have had to lose friendships and family in my decision to reconcile. My truest have stayed by my side and I can be myself. But watching recent news just triggers all of these emotions.

Sorry for rambles, hopefully it makes sense since I'm on pain med for my back. 🤣
You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #128 on: November 19, 2017, 08:28:03 PM »
I think stress plays a big factor in our condition of our bodies.

So sorry that you are hurting Azioni.
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9711.0

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline AzioniTopic starter

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #129 on: November 21, 2017, 04:01:36 PM »
Got results. It isn't a kidney infection. So for now it's muscle relaxer, anti inflammatory and now steroid. I guess it's rest and waiting out for now. Good to have a few days off to do that.
You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote

Offline Shocked

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #130 on: November 21, 2017, 06:23:09 PM »
Hope you feel better soon A!!!!
I care🤗
H 51
W 58
M 22 Years
2 AD both married from my first M
BD 12/15 moved out-in replay, vanisher, MOW in Atlanta
D 2/17

Online Mortesbride

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #131 on: November 22, 2017, 03:17:03 PM »
Aww I hope you are feeling better soon.  :-*

Offline AzioniTopic starter

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #132 on: November 22, 2017, 03:21:27 PM »
Finally had my first pain free day today. The combo the doc put me on seems to be working. Good thing since I'm cooking thanksgiving here.
You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #133 on: November 22, 2017, 05:03:02 PM »
Good to hear that the meds are working.  Have a Happy Thanksgiving, Azioni!
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9711.0

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #134 on: November 23, 2017, 02:00:09 AM »
Happy Thanksgiving Azioni!
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8451.80 (Denjef's thread)

Offline AzioniTopic starter

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #135 on: November 23, 2017, 04:52:02 PM »
Happy 🦃🍁
You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote

Offline AzioniTopic starter

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #136 on: November 28, 2017, 05:56:21 PM »
Finally feeling back to myself.  I guess I overdid things leading up to turkey day. That led to straining my back. I'm being more cognizant as I prep for Christmas.

I also am fully off ADs for first time in years. It has now been a week since I've had last one. I am trying to focus forward. It is wonderful not to have that daily reminder. The ONLY reason I had to take them was as a direct result of the A. I'm hoping that I can be off them permanently.  I want to 'feel' like my old self again. Tired of the side effects from long term use.

In other news...
We are extending our back entertaining area. Contracted to have built-in fire pit and benches that will enable us to enjoy cold winter nights. Plus allow us to take in our beautiful mountain view. It is our holiday gift to each other.
You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #137 on: November 30, 2017, 03:40:55 PM »
That's wonderful news Azioni, so great to be off medication that makes you feel less like yourself.  It does have a place when we are really struggling but after, it is best to deal with things without the drugs.

Your outdoor area sounds lovely and a great healing place too.  I wish you every happiness.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8451.80 (Denjef's thread)

Offline AzioniTopic starter

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #138 on: December 03, 2017, 03:19:32 PM »
It came out amazing. Just in time too. A week of highs in 40s and lows in 20s
You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote

Offline AzioniTopic starter

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #139 on: December 11, 2017, 04:47:53 PM »
Still doing okay off the AD. Had some weird dreams. I guess the brain is trying to get used to not having that med anymore.

Had our first snow. But work schedules kept us from firing up the new pit. Soon, very soon it will be. Maybe with the next cold blast.
You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #140 on: December 15, 2017, 04:14:17 AM »
Enjoy being off the meds and the return of snow!  Where I live there is no snow but it isn't far away if I want to go.  It's a sore point as xH goes on lovely ski holidays each year and I do not :'(
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8451.80 (Denjef's thread)

Offline Mary A

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #141 on: December 16, 2017, 09:23:33 AM »
Great thread Azioni!

It´s amazing how well you did going through the mlc mess. I´m glad your´re feeling better!
M: 43
H 49
T : 26
BD: April, 2016
EA: discovered March,27, 2017. Lasted for about 6 months.

Offline AzioniTopic starter

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #142 on: December 19, 2017, 08:11:46 AM »
The downside of the holidays are my in-laws. They are pretty much a toxic write off on my list. The best thing was moving far away from them. They treat me like $#!t now. Gave me promotional flip flops as gift 2 years ago.  And not for lack of money.  This year, I asked SIL what to get her kids at beginning of Nov.  Zippo response. Then MIL calls this weekend gushing about the new pup SIL got the kids. Guess who's last to know??

Im so DONE with them!! F them!! I'm tired of being treated like I had the A, instead of the one who kept my family intact by working my @$$ off . This is not family, this is toxicity!! I have NO time for toxic people.
You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #143 on: December 20, 2017, 12:26:08 AM »
Totally agree.  I was just posting on another thread about the same thing.

If I ever got the chance to be with the in laws again, I would not feel obliged to see them.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8451.80 (Denjef's thread)

Offline Mary A

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #144 on: December 21, 2017, 10:51:02 AM »
I totally understand ! My H has distanced from his family. They were not connected to his crises but they ´ve mean to him many times.

I guess I will have to support him through the holidays. I feel sorry for him but I guess he may give our own family, the one we´ve built a different meaning.
M: 43
H 49
T : 26
BD: April, 2016
EA: discovered March,27, 2017. Lasted for about 6 months.

Offline AzioniTopic starter

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #145 on: December 22, 2017, 02:49:48 PM »
I spoke with H. He completely supports my distancing myself. I asked him not to say anything to them, I don't want any faux contact from them. If after decades, I'm no longer 'family', then it is their loss. Those friends and family  who truly care are all that are important. I got a card from a friend today who paid money to whitepages for a month, just to get the correct address for holiday card. This^^, these are ones who care and love us.

These other people (H family) are toxic and I'm severely allergic to toxic! 😎 Their loss, definitely not mine!
You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote

Offline Mary A

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #146 on: December 23, 2017, 06:02:48 PM »
What a nice gesture from your friend! We learn to value all those gestures much more after the MLC, at least it happened to me.

I´m sure it´s their loss, Azioni, . I wish you a merry Christmas!
M: 43
H 49
T : 26
BD: April, 2016
EA: discovered March,27, 2017. Lasted for about 6 months.

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #147 on: December 24, 2017, 03:30:49 AM »
Have a wonderful Christmas Azioni!!
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8451.80 (Denjef's thread)

Offline AzioniTopic starter

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #148 on: December 24, 2017, 09:45:33 AM »
Happy Holidays to all. Hopefully, as we enter a fresh year we all find some peace and happiness. 

Hugs to all
A
You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote

Offline AzioniTopic starter

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #149 on: December 25, 2017, 10:41:49 AM »
Wow. :o

MIL called to wish happy holiday. Then began to bemoan that we are so far away. Geez, really!! Ugh!
Also bemoaning that our adult child may not drive  down at new years. This is due to possible snowstorm. We let her know early since we did not want to upset her last minute if forecasts hold.

H sibling has sent texts to all but me. Same one with new dog.

Other sibling did call me yesterday. That's the one that seems somewhat sane.

I'm so happy to live nowhere near these people anymore!!
You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote

Offline Gigielle

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #150 on: December 27, 2017, 05:56:35 PM »
Attaching.  I need to read stories like this, MLC kicks your butt and drags you down.  Your story gives me something to look forward to!
M: 41
H: 40
D: 17 S: 16 - both ours
Married 09.19.98 (19 years)
DB #1: 08.18.17-EA, but I suspect PA
DB #2: 09.23.17-ILYBNILWY
Still at Home-Never Left

*"This is the year I will be stronger, braver, kinder, unstoppable and this year, I will be fierce."

*"Until you're broken, you don't know what you're made of.  It gives you the ability to build yourself all over again, but stronger than ever."

*"Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do.  But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength."

*The pain that you've been feeling, can't compare to the joy that's coming." -Romans 8.18

Offline AzioniTopic starter

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #151 on: December 30, 2017, 06:00:36 PM »
Ending this year by buying a new vehicle for H.  Getting rid of yet another reminder. Making yet another fresh start for a new year. This completes the purge of tangibles that OW touched. It has helped remove yet another trigger. 🙌
You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote

Offline Mary A

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #152 on: December 31, 2017, 10:05:32 AM »
Everything sounds great !!!

Happy New Year!
M: 43
H 49
T : 26
BD: April, 2016
EA: discovered March,27, 2017. Lasted for about 6 months.

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #153 on: January 05, 2018, 07:59:56 PM »
I feel the same about possessions. Any new clothes to please or impress OW are out and the new car she sits in - don't bring that thing  near me.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8451.80 (Denjef's thread)

Offline AzioniTopic starter

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #154 on: January 11, 2018, 04:58:35 PM »
Recently, there seems to be a large elephant in the room with us. During our off work time, that made for more time together. But, well, nothing. Just seemed preoccupied with his upcoming work exam (He just passed it). One time was anything initiated, and well, he wasn't up for it. Even during our anniversary a couple of months ago.  I am at a loss. I asked if anything was bothering-no. No discussion, no connection, just no.  I am thinking of pointing out the elephant, but am hesitant it may stomp things worse.

I have been trying to stay positive. Been incredibly busy back at work. Keeping my mind very occupied seems to help. It is my sleep that is now being affected as my mind seems to want to play with the elephant in the room if left unsupervised.
You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #155 on: January 11, 2018, 05:20:33 PM »
Hi Azioni, sorry things are not so great at the moment.

MLCers go into crisis due to mainly FOO issues along with some brain chemistry problems and stress triggers.

The FOO problems made them feel unworthy, unloved and unheard, so the thing they need most from any relationship is to feel valued and understood. Initially they get this often from the OW.

By NOT addressing the elephant in the room you are doing exactly what the MLCer expected all his life of his family - not being made to talk,  to understand dynamics of problems or be accountable for maintaining workable relationships. 

Your fear is stopping you from talking and that is a recipe for disaster.  Take charge of this situation Azioni, get really tough about your awn happiness and don't take no for an answer.  It isn't normal to shove our emotions down in any relationship. We learned to keep our mouths shut to an extent during MLC but after, we need to step up and work on the relationship as much as they do.

If you are unwilling to talk this out, you may as well be alone as I am sure life was better without a grumpy man around the place.  He's obviously not enjoying this either.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8451.80 (Denjef's thread)

Offline AzioniTopic starter

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #156 on: January 11, 2018, 05:50:28 PM »
He's not grumpy. Wants to cuddle, hug, etc.

I am hesitant because it seems to only be me to address the elephant no matter what elephant it is. He stays silent. I end up feeling like I alone deal with the issues that come up. I have to pry it out of the room. At some point, I would like him to lead the elephant away. It's his silence and ignoring the elephant that lead to his MLC.  I thought maybe were beyond this already. I pointed at the elephant, but he decided it isn't there.
You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #157 on: January 11, 2018, 07:01:56 PM »
No-one can deal with the issues alone.

You are making excuses for not addressing the problems.  If you find it difficult maybe you could discuss some counseling where someone else talks it through for you.

If my xH ever wanted to come back this is one of my top 5 deal breakers - not going to counseling.  The MLCers FOO issues are severe and require lots of psychological support from a professional.

You may only have two options, talk or lose him again.  It's your call, you are the more evolved one.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8451.80 (Denjef's thread)

Offline AzioniTopic starter

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #158 on: January 11, 2018, 07:50:21 PM »
Not trying to avoid talking. Trying to avoid going around in a circle again. Unless this pattern stops, I will be the one addressing, pushing, discussing, etc. I'm dizzy from going in this circle anytime something is bothering him. I already know it's what lead to his A.

Pattern:
 He will not bring up whatever an issue is that bothers him.
I notice and ask.
Sometimes he will divulge, sometimes not.

But it's always up to me. Even though he asked me to tell him if something is bothering me (I do). But he isn't, no matter how many times I have told him that this is a point that will break us if not addressed/changed.
You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #159 on: January 11, 2018, 09:20:05 PM »
Maybe you need to ask Your questions differently Azioni.  Instead of saying "is there something wrong?"  You could say "I was  noticing recently that you seem (fill in gaps) and I am worried about you because you are important to me and thought we could talk about it.  Then it leaves things open for him to speak.

There are many of us here (me included) who would give anything to have the chance you have to reconcile.  I know that any new relationship for me would be one where a lot of effort from both parties is absolutely necessary. 

If there is a problem with your H - address it instead of monkey braining it for too long until it becomes a larger problem.

What have you decided to do?
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8451.80 (Denjef's thread)

Online Treasur

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #160 on: January 11, 2018, 10:18:01 PM »
I agree with Savvy

And I suppose I'm wondering what your bit of the elephant is about? Is it an issue or actually the ongoing feeling of him not discussing things...or something else? Is this a boundary issue for you really?

I guess there is a difference between a question when you want someone else to fix the problem with their answer. Or a boundary statement when you are telling someone how you will fix it for yourself if something continues to feel uncomfortable for you. Or feedback that is more 'I see this...so I feel this...and I don't know what to do...do you see it the same or something different? how does that make you feel? do we both want to do something together about it?

Read a great book on communication (shockingly even persuaded my STBXH to buy and read it in July when he wanted to talk to me! Actually, reminds me to re-read it....) It's called Being Me, Loving You: A Practical Guide to Extraordinary Relationships by Marshall Rosenberg. Would heartily recommend it as a practical way of framing conversations differently.
« Last Edit: January 11, 2018, 10:24:36 PM by Treasur »
BD - Oct 15, mostly silent vanishing husband, diagnosed with severe depression in Dec 15 & seeing psychiatrist/on ADs since then
OW since Apr 16, maybe earlier?
H filed Jan 17.
80/20 strategy for me in 2018

"her soul is fierce, her heart is brave, her mind is strong." R.H Sin
Grace is...Elegance, good will, unearned blessings, a prayer of thanks and how to address a duchess.
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline AzioniTopic starter

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #161 on: January 12, 2018, 04:08:08 AM »
Its not a boundary issue. It is his pattern of not discussing  things that upset or bother him. Pretty certain It's a FOO issue given how his parent is. It's the thing that lead to the A. He let whatever was bothering him keep adding up until it lead to a depressive episode.

Most recently, about a little more than a year ago, he was quiet and withdrew just as now. It was because he had lost his wedding ring during a cold snap while at work. Something he could have easily just communicated, but chose to keep to himself for two weeks. It took numerous attempts from me before he would let me know. We, again at that time, discussed his lack of communicating.

I just am at a loss with this. The book sounds good, but he is studying and in classes to get an improved job. So I do not think he will read it.
You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote

Online Treasur

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #162 on: January 12, 2018, 06:46:23 AM »
I was suggesting it for you to read first, A...see what you think and if you can use it?
BD - Oct 15, mostly silent vanishing husband, diagnosed with severe depression in Dec 15 & seeing psychiatrist/on ADs since then
OW since Apr 16, maybe earlier?
H filed Jan 17.
80/20 strategy for me in 2018

"her soul is fierce, her heart is brave, her mind is strong." R.H Sin
Grace is...Elegance, good will, unearned blessings, a prayer of thanks and how to address a duchess.
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #163 on: January 12, 2018, 09:06:28 PM »
Hi Azioni, it seems you've had a conversation before about his not communicating which leaves you an opening to begin a new conversation.

Maybe read the book to give yourself some information and advice and gently ease into a discussion about him not being open about feelings.  By this time, the problem will hopefully have been resolved :)

In the mean time, monkey braining about the reason for him not talking wil drive you insane.  During MLC is a time to remain quiet to the non-communication issues as we know what the reason for  ot talking is. Now that he's out of MLC there is no reason for the two of you not to have an open discussion.

If this were me, I would be inviting him to a dinner out to make sure you are setting a pleasant place to have a talk.

Try not to slip back into the fixer mode with this, if he doesn't want to talk/read the book, it's his problem and definitely not yours and I would be calling him out on this as something he promised not to do in the future.  Tough love if he is difficult, and  not excuses for him being busy or tired or anything else you can think of.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8451.80 (Denjef's thread)

Offline AzioniTopic starter

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #164 on: January 13, 2018, 09:32:26 AM »
Maybe I need to read it.

I've called him out on it before and I get promises that he'll do better in the future. Then something happens that upsets him, and he goes silent. It's a maddening circle. I'm dizzy from it!!

I gave him his space this time as I know this was a difficult exam. Many do not pass it on first or even second attempt, he did on his first.  But once it was over, and he passed it, he did not change. Definitely cannot fix nor get in his head. I know that. I just need a way for him to finally get the message that he needs to communicate and not retreat.

I've communicated that his silence just kills me. Everytime he goes this path, i communicate it. Even when we did MC, it was an issue I wanted to resolve. I am just out of ideas other than printing it on a 2x4 and whacking him on the head with it (not really...just sarcasm from frustration🤣)
You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote

Offline AzioniTopic starter

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #165 on: January 21, 2018, 05:54:19 PM »
Got Zippo

Nothing's wrong.
Busy with work and school.

Ughhh...
You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #166 on: January 21, 2018, 06:29:09 PM »
Maybe a new counselor who specializes in avoidance problems Azioni?
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8451.80 (Denjef's thread)

Offline AzioniTopic starter

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #167 on: January 21, 2018, 07:06:17 PM »
That's what I have been thinking.
You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote

Offline 1phoenix

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #168 on: January 21, 2018, 07:15:36 PM »
A,

Is it possible that he is just not ready yet to face himself and the inability to communicate?  That is such a huge hurdle to jump that it will take many attempts to get over it.

You have it in you, the strength, patience and resolve needed.

I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear — Nelson Mandela

I never lose.  I either win or learn! - Nelson Mandela

For we have fallen from our shelves, To face the truth about ourselves.  "The Gift", Annie Lennox

"You must do the thing you think you cannot do."  Eleanor Roosevelt

Grace makes beauty out of ugly things.  U2 "Grace"

We have all been dealt a hand of cards in this game of life.   Are you going to play or fold?

"Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose." Yoda

Offline AzioniTopic starter

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #169 on: January 22, 2018, 02:25:28 PM »
Phoenix: I believe that is part of it. A went against everything H stood for. I do not think he has fully accepted that he is the man who had an A. He watched a parent do this year's ago. Under similar circumstances,  so there are FOO issues as well. H knows he hurt me in worst possible way, at worst time in my life. It affected me physically for quite some time as my body could not heal and deal with emotional trauma at the same time. Not to mention the stress of a psycho OW who infiltrated many facets of my life for $hits and giggles.
You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote


 

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