Author Topic: My Story Reconnecting Replanting and Growing  (Read 8630 times)

Offline AzioniTopic starter

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My Story Reconnecting Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #20 on: March 06, 2017, 07:50:41 PM »
It is so true. It is as if an alien had taken over my H during that time. Everything I knew , or thought i knew to be true in my world at that time, was wrong at that moment. Black was white, white was black. I think that once I figured out that it was me and our kids I needed to protect, it made the world finally stop spinning. When discovery happens it is as if our whole equilibrium is set aspin. You can't focus on anything at first, you are nauseous,  and can barely stand on your own two feet.
« Last Edit: March 06, 2017, 07:53:25 PM by Azioni »
You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote

Offline AzioniTopic starter

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #21 on: March 09, 2017, 12:22:44 PM »
Reconciliation is a difficult route.  We definitely had our share of setbacks along the way.  Miscommunication, lack of trust, anger….you name it and we probably went through it.  I did go to a D attorney to find out my rights.  Another time I drew up separation papers (from an online site).  Believe me there were many, many times where I was ready and willing to throw in the towel. 

At the beginning, I found out from my doctor that I had herpes.  He is the only man I have ever been with.  So it was directly from his A.  Went through 4 months of medication for that.  Stressing that I got this directly from his A, then worrying that the stress would cause a breakout.  4 months later I found out that it was a false positive.  We continued on the R road.  Then a year after dday, after my annual, found out I had hpv and a suspicious lesion on my cervix.  Even better, I found out on my birthday, a Friday, at 4:45pm as their office was closing.  So instead of black Friday shopping that year I had a colposcopy.  He was by my side for that.  I do have to say, my doc kept giving him the ‘stink eye’.  He went out and bought a fire pit for us, and surprised me with dinner outside by it as I was on rest for 24 hours.

Thus began my 2 years of twice a year checkups for it.  Me worrying that each time I would get the dreadful news.  I had had a hysterectomy back in 2009.  I was done having kids, and had had a few cysts that had ruptured (all benign).  I even had an ectopic pregnancy in 2005 that caused me to end up in the hospital due to blood loss. Cancer runs in the women in my family, so decided to do the hysterectomy.  I decided to keep my cervix so I would not need a pelvic sling, and now it was a problem due to his A. Thankfully, all the checks came out fine.

I was angry, very angry for a good while.  Him having put my health at risk.  All while I was also recovering from double surgery.  Two surgeries just 3 weeks apart.  So while I lay in bed recovering, he was having his A.  Quite literally while my chest was ripped open.  So on top of healing physically, I also had to heal mentally.  I had some complications during healing that I feel were a direct result of the stress caused by his A.  Physically, I healed.  Emotionally took quite a bit longer.
You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote

Offline AzioniTopic starter

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #22 on: March 10, 2017, 12:15:14 PM »
Another positive sign:

This morning when I checked my email, I got notification that some had tried to hack H's email. He has my email as recovery for transparency. If he changes password it sends me an email. So I told him he needed to change his password and  left for work. During my break he texted me " I've changed my password, I'll give it to you when you get back from work." He did that on his own, i did not have to ask him to give it to me. He continues to walk the walk of R.  8)
You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote

Offline stayed

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #23 on: March 12, 2017, 03:57:33 PM »
Welcome back Azioni, it is so good to hear your story.  RECONCILIATION is not the easiest thing in the world, I can only nod my head in agreement.  Not sure how we survived it, but I guess it was just ONE MORE thing and the many years of crisis certainly have taught us, that "what does not kill us, will make us stronger"! 

I know everybody will enjoy hearing your story.  WE have had quite a few "recoveries and success stories"!  Not all of them were reconciliation but there are many men and women who are now dating, or considering dating (hehehe) or are just plain enjoying the "absence of pain".  They have moved on, accept that their spouse is in Crisis AND if he/she returns and they are STILL AVAILABLE, they will consider their options then. 

Some still have hope their spouse will return, some have decided to end their STAND.  Some get along quite nicely with their X and some not so nicely.  Everybody though is coping in the best way they know how and having the pain finally receding, able to enjoy the new life they have built for themselves.

Welcome back...

Hugs Stayed
Married 39yrs.
Reconciled July 5, 2006

"Don't be so open minded your brains fall out".  by Stephen A. Kallis, Jr.
"We believe marriage is sacred, but it is not our job to save marriages; it is our goal to empower each of you to save your own marriage."

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Offline AzioniTopic starter

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #24 on: March 14, 2017, 05:50:49 AM »
One of the casualties of RECONCILIATION I found is loss of friends. No, not ones who were not friends of the marriage, but real friends. I did lose some close friends due to my choice to R with my H. Some, had been through betrayal and decided on D for themselves. So out of bitterness or jealousy or something else ,  I'm not sure which, I lost their friendship.

One could argue whether they were indeed true friends or not. That is a valid question. However, ripping open a very painful scar may have been too much for them emotionally.  We all understand how triggers can affect us. For some it is more than others. Just as my H is/was the biggest trigger for me in R, maybe I was the trigger for these lost friends. Something they just were unable to deal with.

Now, my two very closest friends,  ones from my childhood, they have been steadfastly by my side. As I pendulumed between D, S, R or just deciding whether or not to kill H (just kidding, but they did offer me a baseball bat  ;) ). It was their love, their humor, and sometimes their sarcasm that I think saved me in this s-storm. Only they could take me from a crying mess to laughing sometimes. Not that ANY of this is funny, but they could pull me back from the brink of depression as only they could. It's I think what helped me be there for my kids. If I went over that cliff, they seemed to know that it would theoretically kill me and ultimately hurt my kids more than they already were. I could call them any time of day or night if I needed, and I did. That was sometimes the best medicine.

They did let my H know how they felt about his actions early on. But after that, and since we have R'd,  they have made peace with him. We have all known each other 30 years, so H took their criticism and eventually promised them he would do everything in his power to make amends to me and to show me how grateful he was for a second chance. That he would spend the rest of his life doing so. So far, he his actions match his words.

PS. For those who may take offense at my sarcasm...I apologize up front. I even have a sign in my classroom that says "National Sarcasm Society". I deal with being locked in a room with high schoolers 5 days a week....by choice! So I know I'm a bit warped or crazy or both.   ;D
You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote

Online Milly

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #25 on: March 14, 2017, 07:23:50 AM »
Azioni, great post. I have also lost important friends on this journey. I still defend these friends as is part of my personality, but I think that ultimately their friendship was good as long as it worked for them.

My new friends and remaining friends have been there for me. Most of them let me rant without judgement. In fact, the ones who've helped me the most are the ones who let me talk and didn't offer any advice. I now find I don't need to rant any more. They are also friendly to my H when they see him. Not in a fake way, just non judgemental.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D23, D20, S13
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline Anjae

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #26 on: March 14, 2017, 05:12:52 PM »
Thank you for your updates and posts, Azioni.

It is always good to read from those who are reconnecting or reconciled and to be told how things really are at those stages, not easy, and they do not happen overnight.

Yes, ripping a painful scar may had been too much emotionally for your friends.

But those friends that remain close to you are the ones that matter.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline stayed

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #27 on: March 14, 2017, 06:23:58 PM »

Yes, ripping a painful scar may had been too much emotionally for your friends.

But those friends that remain close to you are the ones that matter.

I agree, it is the one's that stood by you, that matter the most. Like Anjae said, it is really nice of you to be able to understand where they are coming from. 

Hugs Stayed
Married 39yrs.
Reconciled July 5, 2006

"Don't be so open minded your brains fall out".  by Stephen A. Kallis, Jr.
"We believe marriage is sacred, but it is not our job to save marriages; it is our goal to empower each of you to save your own marriage."

Stayed Husband Letter
The Hero's Spouse Mission Statement
Survival Instructions for Newbies
The Mentor Program
LBS SCRIPT

Offline AzioniTopic starter

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #28 on: March 15, 2017, 01:52:17 AM »
So true Anjae and Stayed.

It's disheartening when you realize how many aspects of your life are affected when your spouse decides to have an A. It goes so much deeper than the act itself. The effects are felt for years. I know that at almost 6 years out that im not as raw. But from time to time things still do hurt.  Loss of friends is one of them. For me, it is one that actually helped me through this that I still miss.

Before I could tell her what happened, she just said "when you are ready to talk, I'm here". She knew, just by some of my early interactions with her while I was still in early trauma stage immediately after dday.  I hadn't decided yet whom to tell. But she knew. She knew because it had happened to her! She had told nobody. She and her H are the only ones IRL that I know that have gone through this and stayed together. Initially she was like a lifeline as I navigated the costs of R. Eventually,  that friendship waned as we both seem to have difficulty as we sort of triggered each other (If that makes sense). We had cotaught together for a few years,  and we even had sons born on same day a few years apart...but then it seemed that R'ing with our WSs became our connection. (Again, if that makes sense). We do still connect via FB every so often, but the closeness between us seems lost.  Yet another casualty of his A.

You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote

Offline AzioniTopic starter

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Re: Replanting and Growing
« Reply #29 on: March 17, 2017, 01:44:19 PM »
Some days there just seems to be no luck. Even on St. Patrick's Day.  Sometimes, no matter how good the day is, triggers like to smack you in the face!

I went with H and son to my hair appointment today. Of course the place has music on. Right after I sit down, they play the song the OW sent to my H. I try to avoid that song, but today I had to sit through the entire thing. H doesn't even remember the song she sent, he never even reacted. I'm torn.
I can tell him that there was a song that triggered me, but since he doesn't remember the song himself, I don't want to remind him which song it is. 

Ughhh....the leftover minefields of an A. Can't I just launch a grenade😛
You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote


 

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