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Poll

Did your MLC'er suffer from childhood abuse (physically, emotionally or other)?

Yes
65 (70.7%)
No
17 (18.5%)
Don't Know
10 (10.9%)

Total Members Voted: 92

Author Topic: Discussion Why isn't MLC recognised medically and in society?

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Discussion Why isn't MLC recognised medically and in society?
OP: March 15, 2017, 10:25:28 PM
Mid life crisis. That's not a real thing is it?

Well, it depends who you ask.

Over the last few days I have been finding myself quote on several posts for LBS's to not mention to people in the  REAL world about standing for our partners during their Mid Life Crisis....in fear that firstly that they would think that you are absolutely CRAZY and secondly they have no idea what you are on about....isn't MLC about buying a sports car?   

Over the last 2 years I have read  thousands of articles about MLC.  Ironically, I have found out that I am not alone in my train wreck life, but there are thousands of people, from all parts of the world, that have/are experiencing similar or identical issues with their long term partners.   There are forums everywhere, other people telling MY story,  yet I do not know them.

I have spoken to my Doctor about my husbands MLC, and he shot me down and bluntly said that MLC does not exist and is a falicy.  'People use it as an excuse to justify bad behaviour".  Hmmmmm.....this could possibility be true.

One thing I know is that we are not crazy.  All of our spouses are playing out their scripts so well, academy award nominees! 

It has got me confused as to why MLC is not recognised?  Surely some very well educated medical guru would have done a thesis on MLC?  There are far too many occurrences for it not to be recognised.  MLC has been going on for years. If not centuries?

Does anyone have any thoughts/theories?

Ps - I know we should be focusing on ourselves.  But sometimes in life you need to ask why?

Take care fellow LBS's, sending you all lots of long hard hugs (that only a LBS would understand the importance of) 😘😘😘
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« Last Edit: March 17, 2017, 10:16:20 PM by OldPilot »
Me 47
Him 47
OW 32
Married - 20 years
Together - 28 years
BD - Nov 2014 - reason for affair said I controlled his life, wore flannelette pyjama pants to bed and drove our family car 🤔
Moved in with Young OW and her 2 kids Jan 2015
Total Vanisher
Divorced Sept 2016
S21, S17, S16 (autism), D14

🌹🌹Let's be real...Bren is the only one who can do Bren. I'm the best Bren on the planet. Trying to turn a skank into a Bren? That will surely end in disappointment, if it hasn't already.🌹🌹

❤❤Family isn't an important thing.  IT IS EVERYTHING!! ❤❤



Vanished Return Stories Thread #1 - https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9088.0;all
Vanisher Return Stories Link Thread #2 - https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9378.new#new

W
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I dont understand the "people use it as an excuse for bad behaviour" comment that I hear so often.

People who are having a MLC dont say "I'm having a MLC so I'm going to fire truck up my life and the lives of those around me but not accepting any responsibility for it".

LBS's dont use it as an "excuse", it would be so much easier for us to not have to deal with the confusion and believe that our spouses were unhappy with us.

And like you say, how can everybody have the same/very similar experience if it doesn't exist?

I think it might take a LBS to do the research and get it recognised. Changes do happen at that stage on life and if its recognised, more can be done to get families through it. It can also help prevent the stigma attached to standing.
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BD#1 August 2015 - i think i should move out and carry on as we are because i love you but it would work better
BD#2 December 2016 - moved out
ow- 19 years his junior with 3 young kids

R
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Hi Rossbren,

I really feel MLC should be. Yet have heard things like not all MLCs are alike. Everyone has different past issues why they are brought here in the first place. There is no specific age that it hits and a few more reasons it's not recognized by the medical community.

Plus I feel it's embarrassing in society why people don't mention it when they should.

MLC only happens to a very small population of people. It's not a huge amount of people that have it happen to them. I mean how do you explain to others about it who care about you? They would never get it.
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« Last Edit: March 15, 2017, 11:35:15 PM by Elegance »

V
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I have thought about this a lot and I believe it is because of the affair.

I think the affair is unfortunately a symptom that masks the condition. For this reason -- and to "raise awareness" -- I think it is important for LBS to describe the situation to others in a way that fully reflects the scope of the situation, including physical, personality, and spending changes.

I actually feel people on this forum should not describe this to others as a "midlife crisis." I have talked to several doctors, neurologist, former psychiatric nurse, drug rehab specialist, chiropractor and was told by each one that this is biophysical illness or drug reaction.

Another major hurdle is that therapists are not medical professionals. This means that oftentimes the first expert we turn to after bomb drop is unlikely to suggest this is a medical problem. Moreover, it is difficult to get help (or even a consultation) from a neurologist or psychiatrist when you are not the person who requires a consultation.

Anyhow, great topic to discuss!
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N
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Every illness is characterized by a set of symptoms. But not every sufferer necessarily has every symptom. This would explain the variations that exist.

I'd like to know how we can start a poll as a separate thread because I'd really like to know how many of the MLCers have a history of childhood abuse. There is research that shows childhood abuse has a lasting impact on the way the brain processes stimuli. Why doesn't it hit until mid-life? Well perhaps because with aging other changes in hormones or brain chemistry occur and combined this leads to MLC.

One could say it is an excuse for acting badly but there are certain symptoms that clearly are more neutral, like memory loss and even false memories, and an inability to estimate time periods, an inability to feel emotions.

I agree with Velika about the OP being a symptom. I know in my H's case he had certain fears as part of this whole MLC and the only way to solve that was through an OW. The OW was not an end in herself. She came AFTER BD, and BD was NOT ILYBINILY, it was "I'm afraid of my (even OUR) future and here's what I need to do to solve that."  He has referred to her as a "tool." She's a means to an end. If she doesn't produce that end, he will dump her. I actually didn't produce the same end but he has absolutely desire to dump me for it. So she really is a tool. Maybe in another culture/situation it is couched in different terms but my husband sort of a stripped down and raw version without any illusions. He had some excuses on top of that but most of them are already fallen by the wayside and he would not be able to justify them anymore. Even his main reason in fits of anger he apparently has told OW he doesn't care about it anymore. I don't really know what is going on in his mind right now but if this really was something he wanted for sure, he wouldn't be like this right now.

Another thing that is striking to me is the stages. Think about a common cold. It starts with a scratchy throat, then progresses to congestion and achiness, then perhaps to sneezing and coughing, and finally you heal. Most illnesses have stages. As does MLC. I really was having a hard time trusting the process because while I have been able to see my husband go through the first 3 stages according to script, culturally there were reasons I had doubts about the rest of the process. Now that H has had his first awakening and is showing signs of depression and withdrawal, I am starting to see this as a process that has its own internal inevitability and no matter what the external differences, it's going to happen according to script. And that to me is further evidence of an illness.

There was some discussion on another thread where we agreed that it's hard to get something recognized as an illness when the sufferer feels what they are doing is what they want and need. I think that is a big part of it.

And I agree about therapists. What benefit would there be to therapists to recognize this as a medical condition, one that in theory maybe in the long run could be treated by medication? A therapist needs people to be in a state of constant trouble to make a living. And without it being recognized as a condition in the DSM and a condition without a known treatment, there's not much a psychiatrist or neurologist could do at this point.

Another issue is the way in which it is described. HB has done some amazing work describing MLC, but she doesn't use the same terms the medical community does to describe known psychiatric manifestations. Nor does her, "God told me this" really help further the cause, no matter how good her descriptions are, because any scientist reading the descriptions might say she is a raving lunatic. Even to a lesser extent RCR's descriptions fall short of the sort of detached and descriptive angle that is necessary. She's admittedly a creative writer. I think the work they both have done is great but not what is needed to push this forward in the medical community. Then you have sites like the PersonalTao site that sort of make it out to be a good thing that people can harness if they spin it right that don't help either.

How could all this be changed? I see two possible avenues. I think first would be to set up a web site devoted to MLC as a potential medical condition, not as a support site like this one. To raise awareness and attract like minded people who are interested in this. The second would be to lobby for research to be done. I think there would need to be longitudinal studies done but there may be existing long term study groups in some countries where they have collected data about people in childhood and then followed them throughout their lives and in midlife they could look at certain things that are possibly related to MLC. I don't think this is something you can easily study in the middle of it happening because most sufferers would refuse to recognize it. You need to look at the before and after in a large group of people, some of who are behaving this way and some of who aren't.
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Changing4eva - some awesome points in your posts.  I too would love to see a poll from existing MLCer's to see who has been subjected to childhood abuse?  My poor husband was haunted by his cold hearted father for many, many years.  Unfortunately I see my FIL in my husband today, the man who he did not want to become.  Ironic hey?

I am unsure why society has no awareness of MLC prior to bomb drop or before an individual's life is exposed to such behaviour. I can assure you that since my induction into this crazy world of MLC I can spot a potential MLCer a mile away.  DOES ANYONE ELSE HAVE THIS GIFT NOW?  Medically MLC does not exist?  That is the crazy thing!  What do doctors put the medical symptoms down to?  Depression yes, they hand over medication.  Sometimes testosterone issues are identified, resulting in medication.  Do doctors link the combined symptoms to diagnose?   Surely there is growing evidence due to the number of occurrences.   
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Me 47
Him 47
OW 32
Married - 20 years
Together - 28 years
BD - Nov 2014 - reason for affair said I controlled his life, wore flannelette pyjama pants to bed and drove our family car 🤔
Moved in with Young OW and her 2 kids Jan 2015
Total Vanisher
Divorced Sept 2016
S21, S17, S16 (autism), D14

🌹🌹Let's be real...Bren is the only one who can do Bren. I'm the best Bren on the planet. Trying to turn a skank into a Bren? That will surely end in disappointment, if it hasn't already.🌹🌹

❤❤Family isn't an important thing.  IT IS EVERYTHING!! ❤❤



Vanished Return Stories Thread #1 - https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9088.0;all
Vanisher Return Stories Link Thread #2 - https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9378.new#new

d
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My W had childhood issues. DB was 6 weeks after her mother passed(17m ago) On her recent touch and go (31days) I saw just how alike she had become like her mother. Biggest example is treating her 2 Sons as not being important to her just like her mother did to her. Also in her 2nd councilling session during the touch and go. The councillor suggested she see a specialist for childhood truama. Withing 2 hours of the session she had run back to OM and not been seen since which was 3 weeks ago.
DW
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  • What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger!!
I have found that many doctors (at least the ones I have) treat the symptoms and do nothing to figure out the main cause.

My h  doesn't feel like anything is wrong. In fact, he says this is who he needs to be that he has been lazy for several years. Hard to diagnose something when the person thinks the are fine.
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M 40
H 41
He moved out May 21,2017
Ow 41( his 1st cousin) moved her in May 23, 2017, she went back to her husband Oct 2017
Ow moved back with her 2 kids Jan 1 2018 even with courts cutting his visitation with his kids because of it
Ow moved out again Dec 2019 and is back with her husband Jan 2020
T-19 yr M-14 yrs
S14 & D88
BD  February 12 2017 & April 22 2017 (signs of MLC since 2015)
I filed for divorce June 2 2017 for protection- final hearing on our 20th anniversary (July 11,2018) divorce was final August 9, 2018

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8791.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8948.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9189.0
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10052.150

T
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I noticed similarities with Manic Depression or Bi-Polar. Perhaps don't call it mlc but MD or Bi-Polar.

Use a recognized condition that is closely related to mlc so they will look for those symptoms. 
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c
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Quote
Medically MLC does not exist?  That is the crazy thing!  What do doctors put the medical symptoms down to?  Depression yes, they hand over medication.  Sometimes testosterone issues are identified, resulting in medication.  Do doctors link the combined symptoms to diagnose?   Surely there is growing evidence due to the number of occurrences.   

My doctor knew it was mlc, my counselor said it was definitely a crisis [not necessarily mlc].

We've discussed the causes of mlc at length on HS--there's a thread somewhere [I can't find it tho  :P ].  The conclusion is usually that mlc is a 'perfect storm'.  Maybe physical changes, maybe psychological or both.  There's a good lecture by Robert Sapolsky--google 'apes midlife crisis'.
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