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Author Topic: My Story Standing on a path I didn't plan...  (Read 4296 times)

Offline xyzcf

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My Story Re: Standing on a path I didn't plan...
« Reply #10 on: May 21, 2017, 12:15:56 PM »
Dear Mara,

I just wanted to drop by and say hello and tell you that I very often cry at church..I used to cry all the time...and now, it is not very common...but at mass...and I have been told to do so...for what better place for Christ to hear our prayers and see our tears than kneeling in prayer.

My husband and I always attend mass together and so I think that is part of why it is hard for me to be there without him, and surrounded by many families who are not broken like ours. But I have come to know my church community very well, and many many people are shouldering some kind of suffering.

I also read back a bit on your thread where you were asking about waking up and thinking about your husband and the thoughts of him that cross your mind throughout the day. Strange isn't it, that we cannot turn these thoughts off....But I too, have thought about him every single day and throughout the day for many, many years. I know others as well so for whatever reason, this is "normal" for some of us.

Standing for a marriage and family is hard...so very very hard..thus, sometimes the tears have to flow and if in public, so be it. I have discovered that people really do care about me, and sometimes they need to know when I am having problems or a bad day....I believe that God places these people in my life for a reason and always at just the right time.

May you find some peace on this Sunday!
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

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Offline MaraTopic starter

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Re: Standing on a path I didn't plan...
« Reply #11 on: May 22, 2017, 01:40:35 PM »
Thank you xyzcf

I agree there is no better place then church to let the tears come out. I prefer not to draw attention towards me though...
My church is also this place where we came together, where we were married. I never said anything negative about my husband there, because I pray the doors will stay open for him to return.
An elderly lady told me recently that she s praying for my h everyday. I know there are more.

Feeling better today

Crying helps

Mara  x
I want to believe there's meaning here

Offline xyzcf

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Re: Standing on a path I didn't plan...
« Reply #12 on: May 22, 2017, 04:48:42 PM »
I am glad that you are feeling better. I seem to still have trouble on the weekends, I have many activities during the week, but not so much on weekends..and I miss the way we used to live.

I have tremendous friends at my church who totally understand, including one wonderful woman whose husband was gone for 18 years..and they celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary last year. She gets it though, she knows the pain, and even the pain still and is always available for a cup of tea or lunch.....

I know that many people pray for me and for my husband.

I know that God loves him immensely and His ways are not mine.

Have a nice week.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/site-map.html
The Hero's Spouse Mission Statement
Survival Instructions for Newbies
The Mentor Program
Report Technical Problems

Offline MaraTopic starter

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Re: Standing on a path I didn't plan...
« Reply #13 on: May 30, 2017, 08:37:15 AM »
I am having a new courtmeeting tomorrow. About the finances and the holidays for the kids.
I am feeling a bit weary.
Just the thought I have to go to court to talk about these things? What happened to us.....
I never loved anyone so very much as my h, and I would never do something that would hurt him. And what he does? Treating me like some who is not to trust, I feel like a criminal....
I am sorry, although I am doing pretty ok, this evening tears are falling down.... Facing my h in court....and not in my house, in my bedroom, in our dreams together....
It is just too hard.


I want to believe there's meaning here

Offline Mitzpah

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Re: Standing on a path I didn't plan...
« Reply #14 on: May 30, 2017, 08:49:16 AM »
Mara,

None of this is easy. Lean on the Lord for He is your strength.

Thinking of you as you go through this difficult time.

You are not unstrustworthy or a criminal - you are strong woman who is fighting for her family, for what is fair - stand tall and know that you are supported by your many friends here  :)

xxxx
M 56
H 56
S 25
S 24
D 22
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Offline Shining Star

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Re: Standing on a path I didn't plan...
« Reply #15 on: May 30, 2017, 11:42:12 AM »
Mara:  None of any of this is easy.  It is incredibly painful and nothing most of us ever expected to happen.  We lived with the partners we loved and they were our best friends.  In the end, they lied, cheated, and we became the enemy.  I am also having an extremely difficult past few days, so sending you a hug!
H:55, I am 53
BD: March 2014, Left Sept 2014, Back Nov 2014
Left again in February 2015.  Asked for D on 9/22/15
Said he was "sure" he wanted a D in Dec 2015; 
Admitted long term affair - May 14, 2017 - says he is in love with the "symptom" but wants to build a relationship with me with "clear expectations" WHATEVER THAT MEANS!  Settlement Agreement signed 9/20/17; final divorce pending - CAN'T STOP THE TRAIN.....

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: Standing on a path I didn't plan...
« Reply #16 on: May 30, 2017, 01:39:59 PM »
Hello Mara, I remember the weariness of having to go through all the legal steps that I never wanted to have to take.  Hang in there!

I'm also a crier at Church.  The other places are my car and the shower.  Tears are a release, and it's okay to cry.  Up until recently, not a day went by that I didn't cry, at least once.  Now lately, I've noticed that the tears are not every day, but a few days go by without tears.
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9711.0

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline Trustandlove

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Re: Standing on a path I didn't plan...
« Reply #17 on: May 30, 2017, 11:08:38 PM »
Sending you all my thoughts and prayers, Mara.  There is no easy way to do this.

Crying is OK, I will admit that I still do it, even after a long time.  it is a release, it keeps things from building up in ourselves. 

It might help to just have one clear goal in mind for the day, and to focus on just that, rather than on the whole mess.  And remember that YOU are the one standing up for what is right, you haven't done anything wrong against your H.  Even if you aren't perfect, no one is. 

Thinking of you..

xx

Offline MaraTopic starter

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Re: Standing on a path I didn't plan...
« Reply #18 on: May 31, 2017, 01:13:42 PM »
dear all of you , T&L, Mitzpah, FW, SS and other followers

Thank you for all the prayers, hugs and words.
It helps you understand me.

@Faithwalker It is true, tears are a release.... They help me.... today I did not cry... I had some tears, but I know I am starting to get stronger.

@Shining Star...Really, the one I almost trusted the most, I can not trust now.


The MLC part of this is almost not to explain to others.

How was my day in court.
If I were a journalist watching the show to make a report I would rather have been thinking: What is happening here?

The mediation judge ( I don t know all this terms in English, but this is not a judge who makes decisions but she s helping us coming out of some agreements together, we both have a lawyer involved too).
started the thing with the childrensholidays. Actually h had asked we split up every holiday in two and so the kids stay with him 50% during schoolholidays.
Today we should discuss that, because my kids are not willing to.
But H started before anyone could say something: I do not want the kids more than max. once in fourteen days.
THe judge looked at him, with a face as...'whats wrong with you?' He then said he s sick, he s depressed and has no energy for that.
I have agreed, but in my heart I felt pain...for him and the kids.
At first he s making a bombdrop again in the house by these demanding through court to see the kids, who were never kept away from him anyway...and we go through this for months...and now he s saying the opposite.
Besides he s not even asking if I am having enough energy to be a full time double parent all in my own... nobody asks me... I just do it.... I love my kids, I want them to have a normal as possible life even if it s costing me all of my energy.
So yes, thank you h, for the past few months driving us crazy to now just conclude you do not want another settlement then we already had... even less than that.

The second thing was a bit harder. I asked the judge that I did not want the company on my address. H got angry and asked why. I said: because you are not working. There is no money coming in, and I get letters from lawyers and I do not know who for the company. I save them for you, but I m not sure there are no problems. if there are debts, what will happen. They can come to my house, my income, the kids belongings.
He waved it away, but forgetting he was sitting in between of two lawyers and a judge. These three said my concern is fair. And if there are debts, I can be hold responsible. He started to deny that....in front of people who sleep with the law..... It was almost ridicoulous but so sad. The judge asked him about the company. He said he has no debts. She said the bookkeeper should make an attest where he says there is no risk for the company nor for me. If so he can keep the company on my address.
He stayed angry here, and especially my lawyer got a dirty look of him.

THe financial agreements for the kids were more easy. As long as he has his insurance-money he has 3000 euro so he s ordered to pay some for the kids. Here he said : OK, but then I want half of the rent of the room Mara is renting out in our house. Stupid from him, because the judge took the half of it from my income then and so he have to pay more childsupport through that. So now he needs to pay me almost 700 euro childsupport and I need to pay him 175 euro rent back. If not for the rent, he had to pay me 175 euro less.... He insisted on doing it this way. The lawyers and the judge started to see there was no use talking sense into him.... So...ok...

The insurance money he gets is temporary. And I m not sure if he s very motivated to find a job after this. He s saying he s depressed and sick (something he never would admit during our marriage when he suffered some severe depressions). I felt like he was using this now, playing the victim.

The divorce is delayed to september. They wanted to do this on the day in june our d17 is graduating from highschool. I asked for his empathy on this. This must be a festive day for her, not the day of her parents divorce. He admitted that, to my wonder. THe first date after was only in september (summerreces in court).

So, I m going to still be married for some months. I pray things will change before, but with my human eyes I can see he s still deep in MLC.

When leaving court he suddenly was friendly towards me, saying bye. And looking me in the eye .

I was really amazed....Is he really not seeing how he s losing things, losing his children by his own actions? Is he not seeing how the people in court, even his own lawyer by times were looking at him with faces like: Are you serious?

My heart cried when biking home. Yes, Right happened towards me....but my love for him made me cry about him.

Is this ever going to change? He s not happy, he s not having a better life but a worse life....
I feel so so sorry for him.
And I felt ashamed also.

The judge said after the session; I wish you both good luck. She saw I got tears in my eyes. She was so nice.
But she stayed of course neutral.

I told the kids....
D17 : what....he really does not have enough energy to see us once in a while?
S15: I don t mind ....(he does , I know)
S10: Poor dad, he s so alone
ME: I know guys.... We can only pray for him, and love him despite of everything.

This was my day.

Thanks again for all support here. You are right Mitzpah.... I have my friends here who understand

Hugs
Mara
I want to believe there's meaning here

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: Standing on a path I didn't plan...
« Reply #19 on: May 31, 2017, 03:07:06 PM »
Wow, some good things but very tough too.  (((HUGS))) Mara.
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9711.0

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."


 

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