Author Topic: My Story Standing on a path I didn't plan...  (Read 5602 times)

Offline FaithWalker

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My Story Re: Standing on a path I didn't plan...
« Reply #110 on: November 20, 2017, 02:58:20 PM »
Happy birthday to your D, Mara!  Sounds like a lovely party.   :)

I can resonate with a lot of what you write, as my path seems to be parallel to yours.

Although missing H on this, I experienced the peace on this party. No h with tensed and unpredictable reactions which could make everybody uncomfortable gave me peace.

I experience this some as the atmosphere was certainly different with pre-BD H.

So today I sent some new letters to other helpcenters to sollicitate for a new job. It is again a step in the dark, not knowing if it is the right thing to do. The center were I work has my whole heart and it is only because they have financial insecurities I look around for other jobs to combine or to replace.

I have been filling out job applications as well.

Looking at the last year I had to take many steps in the dark. I start to believe I am going to make it. Together with and for my kids. God is on my side, making things work together for good for me. My marriage was not good, so, despite the hurt and pain, my life is on the way to be good. With or without h. It s still a question with no answer. For now without is better.

(((HUGS))) Mara.  This definitely resonated with me.
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9907.0#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline MaraTopic starter

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Re: Standing on a path I didn't plan...
« Reply #111 on: November 24, 2017, 08:21:06 AM »
Thank you Mitz and FW

Wow FW, you are on the same timeline as I am...

Last couple of days am cycling pretty hard. Even at work I had difficult times. Again crying everyday, well it helps, that is for sure.

H got to pick up s11. He came in and tried to find a subject to talk about. I notice myself I have a wall around my heart. It must not be easy for him to get in touch with me either. But I need the protection for now.

I do not know how to communicatie with a man in MLC or PD. I do not know when he is in the mood to understand just what I say or when he s going to make something else of it, feeling I am offensive or what ever. I never know if he s going to verbally attack me and so I built the walls...
Maybe it s not good. I m not sure.

Well, it s starting to get cold here. Even I, the person who is always the last one taking an extra sweater or putting the heater on, put on the heater at work. My co workers had to look twice it was really me doing so :)
One month before Christmas, time flies when having fun :)

Wishing you all a good weekend.

Mara
I want to believe there's meaning here

Offline kikki

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Re: Standing on a path I didn't plan...
« Reply #112 on: November 28, 2017, 01:31:30 PM »
Hi Mara
Reading along and sending love and hugs your way XX

Offline MaraTopic starter

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Re: Standing on a path I didn't plan...
« Reply #113 on: December 27, 2017, 07:38:33 AM »
Hi dear everyone

I am sorry I am offline for so long.
In a way it gives me rest not to lurk on my computer and social media too much. In the stage I am in, I am trying to gain some health and rest again after this very weary and hard period of three + years started with BD in October 2014 and followed by so many unpredictable things and stages, you all know about. Now I am recovering or trying to recover from an unwanted divorce. It was easy to flee to internet and tv and keep my brains working and working in order I could escape from the pain and the hurt, but in the end it is coming anyway. So it was and it necessary to limit myself in fleeing and giving myself the respect of the chance to mourn and heal, getting rest and coming clean with everything what happened, the injustice and the consequence of what is a very hard played divorce played by the man who I thought loved me.

I hope you all had peaceful Christmasday. It is the intention of Christmas anyway :)
I am grateful I had some time of off my job and we celebrated Christmas in church and with my family. Despite all nice and kind people who made me feel loved and beloved, I felt the pain of missing my h. It seems ironic though, I miss the one that rejected me so much that it even can make me feel sad while so many people are overflowing me with love.
Seeing the consequences of a broken family for my children also makes me feeling sad, and although I know I did everything I could to give them the safe haven, before and after divorce, I sometimes feel like a big failure because I couldn't prevent their home from breaking. They spent the holidays with me, and only yesterday they spent one day with their father. I am glad they had a nice day with him.

They do not see him often. Son11 sees him every other week for one day and night. D18 sees him for her drivinglessons every Thursday for only a few hours and s15 prefers not to see him during schoolweeks, so only in the schoolholidays he meets with him and even then very less, they see a movie or something or eat somewhere. It looks more like an adult son that visits his father now and then, and not like h has any role to play in his daily life anymore. Actually this is also with the other kids. H leaves all important things to me.

I went through a very cycling period. Times of frustration and anger then followed by crying days of feeling hurt and not understanding why this all had to happen. I still do not, I still can not explain to people who did not experience themselves what happened. I also can not explain to myself sometimes. It is complicated so very much.
Sometimes I notice my h also is grieving his loss, but he s dealing in a different way. He thinks he did the right thing and believing he was the victim of me, what gave him the right to break our family apart.

I wish everyone here a the best wishes for the new year already.

Keep you all updated

Mara xxx


I want to believe there's meaning here

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: Standing on a path I didn't plan...
« Reply #114 on: December 27, 2017, 09:24:30 PM »
Hi Mara, I haven't been on much the past few days.  I hope that you can continue with your healing and rest.  I'm glad you were able to celebrate Christmas with your family.  I understand your feeling's.  Christmas is so different for me now, as we would usually spend Christmas with MLCer's family.  It always feels like something is missing on Christmas.

I think we all did a bunch of cycling this month.  I hope and pray that 2018 is a blessed year for all of us.
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9907.0#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline Chookie

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Re: Standing on a path I didn't plan...
« Reply #115 on: January 08, 2018, 01:10:31 AM »
Hi Mara, good to read your update.

I'm sorry you are still cycling and feeling the loss of your H from your lives. I know exactly what you mean. I was very lucky and had my two brothers and their families and also my deceased B's wife and my niece to stay for a week or so over the Christmas period. It was so nice. I also got to see my S, which was fantastic! I did miss H, though notice it much more on New Years Eve. I hate being the odd one out at midnight! I often wonder if he thinks of me then too.

It sounds as though your H is still spinning, so best to leave him and keep GAL, as hard as that can be to do.

I'm glad your kids are still in contact with their dad, that's very important for them.

My very best wishes to you for a wonderful 2018!  :)
BD 29 Nov '13
Left home 8 June '14
Does not live with OW

Offline MaraTopic starter

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Re: Standing on a path I didn't plan...
« Reply #116 on: January 11, 2018, 12:12:13 PM »
Hi Chookie, happy to hear from you :)

Now the holidays are over, I feel a bit better. Also notice if I amin periods were NC is possible, I feel better. Now We don t have to be in contact with each other till S11 next visit there. It s only next week friday and this nc brings some peace

Taking care of things myself makes me feeling stronger too. I can do it. 😉
I want to believe there's meaning here

Offline OffRoad

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Re: Standing on a path I didn't plan...
« Reply #117 on: January 12, 2018, 09:34:27 PM »
Hi Mara, I lost your thread. I am very sorry about the divorce. It's hard to believe it's real.

As nice as the holidays are, they can also be stressful. I find I'm enjoying a little peace after the holidays. Peace to you, as well.

When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline MaraTopic starter

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Re: Standing on a path I didn't plan...
« Reply #118 on: January 27, 2018, 01:39:27 PM »
Thx OR. Good to hear you. I will update soon.

Mara
I want to believe there's meaning here

Offline MaraTopic starter

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Re: Standing on a path I didn't plan...
« Reply #119 on: February 12, 2018, 02:43:40 PM »
Tomorrow is the first weddinganniversary after divorce. This sounds strange.
I was not expecting cycling down so hard this evening just because of a day coming up. I mourn everyday, getting stronger everyday too. But all of the sudden bam....

Not seeing or speaking a lot with h. Last week by picking up son at his place he asked me to wait for few minutes because they needed to finish something and then he left me on the doorstep in the cold.

I started wondering again where the man was that oncepromised to cherish and love me untill death do us part.

Start to believe that man is gone

Sorry, bit down today
Hugs mara
I want to believe there's meaning here

 

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