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Author Topic: My Story Pain in this life is not avoidable but the pain we create avoiding pain is  (Read 1443 times)

Offline Anjae

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My Story Re: Pain in this life is not avoidable but the pain we create avoiding pain is
« Reply #50 on: January 10, 2018, 03:17:42 PM »
I am so sorry you've lost your beloved pet, Light.

It was a very nice gesture from your husband.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Pain in this life is not avoidable but the pain we create avoiding pain is
« Reply #51 on: January 10, 2018, 06:08:02 PM »
So sorry about Oscar Light, I know she will be missed.

So nice to see a glimpse of the old H at a time like this.

(((((((Hugs)))))))
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8451.80 (Denjef's thread)

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: Pain in this life is not avoidable but the pain we create avoiding pain is
« Reply #52 on: January 10, 2018, 07:44:42 PM »
So sorry to hear about your cockatoo.  It brought tears to my eyes thinking about the recent loss of my S12's bunny. 

Wow, I did not know that cockatoo's lived so long.

Major props to your H for doing what he could!
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9711.0

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline The lighthouseTopic starter

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Re: Pain in this life is not avoidable but the pain we create avoiding pain is
« Reply #53 on: January 11, 2018, 01:18:09 PM »

Our pets are our family too and I think they become even more important to us during this very difficult time in our lives.


Thanks Serenity.  Yes, our pets are just another member of our family and I agree that they become even more important at this time.  Both Oscar and my dog have been huge comforts to me.  I believe they know when we are upset or struggling and they give unconditional love.

Anjae, SF, it was indeed a lovely gesture from H. 

On our way to take Oscar to the pet crematorium we got very lost as it is the other side of the city.  My Dad was driving as I don't drive.  He is less confident these days, especially when he has to drive somewhere he doesn't know.  He put his GPS on but despite resetting it a few times it refused to work.  We ended up miles away from where we should be and had to find a place to get off the motorway and head back.  My Dad also has less patience these days.  He said if we couldn't find the right turn off on the way back we would have to give up and head home. 

H had said that morning that he was just about to head out fishing and I have no idea if he is away with OW or not so I didn't want to be the one to phone him in case he was with her.  I asked D15 to phone him and put him on speaker phone so that he could help head us in the right direction as I know he knew exactly where to go being his friend's place of work.  He got us back on track and then lo and behold if the darn GPS didn't start to work again, but not before H gave D15 and I both a lecture on how important it was to have GPS on our smartphones and that he would have to get that sorted for us.  This was the H I know...taking charge and looking after us.  I thought surely he wouldn't be speaking that way with OW there, but who knows.

Another little thing I noticed was that when he called back to speak with me that morning after organising the cremation with his friend, his first words to me were "he can do it for 'US'".  I would have expected him to say he can do it for YOU but he said US.  Something or nothing I suppose, but it was something I noticed, that at least just for that brief moment it was 'US' again.

Faith, I'm sorry about the loss of your S12's bunny.  It's so hard for children to lose their pets but a necessary learning curve I think. 

D15 has taken this loss very hard.  I'm glad we are in the middle of school holidays so that she hasn't had school work to think about.  She doesn't go back until the beginning of February, so at least she has some time to grieve and get over the initial shock before she goes back to school.

Yesterday I suggested we had better start thinking about removing Oscar's very large cage from our living room.  Every time I walk into the room I have to take a double take and realise she's not there and it's upsetting every time.  I said to D15 that we didn't have to get rid of it yet, just move it to another room so that we weren't constantly looking at it.  D15 got very upset and asked could we leave it there just a little while longer.  She doesn't want it moved yet.  It occurred to me that for her that cage has always been there...all her life.  So I will just deal with it and go at D15's pace. 

Cockatoos have a 40-60 year lifespan in captivity.  There are some documented cases of them reaching 100 (just like people).  Some reports I've read say that they don't live as long in the wild and others I have read say they live longer. Documenting them in the wild would be difficult I suppose. Oscar started to have some health issues at around 25 and we have had some challenges since then.  About 4/5 years ago, she went through a major surgery. Changing her diet prolonged her life a bit longer too I think, though she was not at all impressed when she couldn't have her sunflower seeds and peanuts anymore.  They became a very occasional treat.
« Last Edit: January 11, 2018, 01:22:29 PM by The lighthouse »
M 1992
BD June 2011
Still with OW - No legal action

I am the lighthouse. I don't go out into the storm after the ship.  The ship finds me.

Offline heroIam

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Re: Pain in this life is not avoidable but the pain we create avoiding pain is
« Reply #54 on: January 11, 2018, 02:27:11 PM »
LH.
So sorry to hear about Oscar. 
I know how difficult it must be for your D15 and you too.
I know my kitties bring me such joy and comfort!
I'm sure it was nice for you to hear an "Us" instead of a "You".   :)
“In the end, you’ve got to be your own hero because everyone’s busy trying to save themselves.”

Offline 31andcounting

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Re: Pain in this life is not avoidable but the pain we create avoiding pain is
« Reply #55 on: January 12, 2018, 04:46:07 AM »
I am so sorry light!   One of the hardest things to live through is losing our faithful loving family pets!   Sending you a hug!

(hugs)
31
Hurting people hurt people :(

Offline The lighthouseTopic starter

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Re: Pain in this life is not avoidable but the pain we create avoiding pain is
« Reply #56 on: January 12, 2018, 08:46:40 PM »
Thanks Hero and 31.  Yes, our lovely pets bring such joy.  It's so strangely quiet around here.  Cockatoos are very noisy and demanding.  Imagine having a two year old around all the time.  That's what they're like...noisy, naughty and destructive if you don't watch them, but the love and fun you get having them around far outweighs that.  I think it will take a while for the void she has left to be filled.  The whole household is upset.

She came back to us yesterday.  The casket is lovely and we have a photo on it of her sitting in the orange tree in the garden looking down at us.  We also have some of her feathers sitting beside it.  D15 was always saving her feathers when they fell out.  How grateful I am to have them now.  I sent H a message and told him she was home and thanked him for his kind gesture.  I told him I would never forget it.  He didn't respond but it didn't really need a response anyway.

In other news, my Dad was rushed into hospital yesterday.  Thankfully it is just a urinary infection and they have him on intravenous antibiotics.  I hope things don't continue this way.  It hasn't been a good start to the new year so far.

I knew H was returning home from his fishing trip last night as he had told us when he last spoke to us.  He turned up today to take D15 out on their regular weekend outing.  No sitting in his car honking his horn today.  Today he came to the house bearing gifts.  Some lovely fresh filleted fish from his fishing trip.  He told D on the phone that he had a lot and it needed to be eaten, but truthfully of course it can be frozen.  I appreciate the gesture...he is the hunter bringing back his catch. 

The first thing he did was ask me how I was and his face filled with emotion and his lips quivered as he held back the tears.  He loved Oscar too and that was plain to see.  We chatted and it was as if the past 6 months hadn't happened.

I do get the impression that OW was with him on his fishing trip though, as usual she wasn't mentioned, but there was a couple of 'we' did this and 'we' did that, though they weren't alone.  It sounds like it was very unplanned and started with him helping a friend in need who had gone camping a few hours drive away but had forgotten some important things like some of his fishing tackle and towels etc.  He was doing him a favour and taking things to him and since he and OW are on holiday anyway, they obviously decided to stay on and fish too.  Why wouldn't you?  I have to admit to feeling a little jealous because before D15 was born my parents owned a holiday batch with a bit of land and we used to go there and pitch a tent and we would often go out fishing.  Now he is camping and fishing with OW.  They are sharing something we did together when we were younger and child free.  It does sting a bit.

He said this particular bay he was at was a beautiful spot and a nice calm and safe spot for D15 to use her body board in the water.  He wants to go back there with her this coming Friday to camp and fish.  They will stay over the weekend until Sunday.  He suggested she bring a friend.  This will be a good, timely, distraction for D15 at the moment I think.  At least it's nice that he wants to share the same thing he just shared with OW with D15.

He agreed that we should just leave Oscar's cage where it is for now.  No rush.  I don't know if his popping his head in the door was a one off.  Maybe next week it will be back to the way it has been and he will stay in the car.  We'll just have to wait and see.
M 1992
BD June 2011
Still with OW - No legal action

I am the lighthouse. I don't go out into the storm after the ship.  The ship finds me.

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Pain in this life is not avoidable but the pain we create avoiding pain is
« Reply #57 on: January 13, 2018, 01:30:06 AM »
The year had a difficult start for many of us and is destined to improve!

Hope your Dad is feeling better soon, urinary infections make the so confused.

Your H is acting way too normal Light ;D He does sound a lot more grounded and it's lovely he is showing some of his softer side.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8451.80 (Denjef's thread)

Offline The lighthouseTopic starter

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Re: Pain in this life is not avoidable but the pain we create avoiding pain is
« Reply #58 on: January 13, 2018, 12:25:37 PM »

Hope your Dad is feeling better soon, urinary infections make the so confused.


Yes I have heard this SF.  His behaviour on our trip to the crematorium makes sense now.  Even when H was giving directions on speaker phone and I would repeat them he just couldn't seem to take direction.  I thought he was being deliberately difficult because H was the one giving direction.  He had been unwell all that day but didn't tell anyone until that evening when things got much worse.  By the next day his temperature was extremely high and he wasn't improving.  I'm not sure if we can expect him home today but he's in the right place.


Your H is acting way too normal Light ;D He does sound a lot more grounded and it's lovely he is showing some of his softer side.

I wonder if the time off work and doing something he loves has helped his mood?  We've had this cycle before though haven't we, and we will probably have it again.  Around and around we go.  I won't forget how kind he has been at this time even if it doesn't last.  At least I can say that I set my boundaries 6 months ago and I refused to take his nonsense...and he hasn't gone running for the hills.
M 1992
BD June 2011
Still with OW - No legal action

I am the lighthouse. I don't go out into the storm after the ship.  The ship finds me.

Offline Seekingpatience

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HiLight,  :)

So sorry to hear about Oscar. I remember wondering how difficult it must be to tell the gender of birds, until irrefutable proof is presented.  ;D. Well done your H for stepping in and helping out.  I do hope it gets him more “thinky“ and in the right direction.  :) Good that he hasn’t run for the hills again, you would think they would get tired at some point of the hamster wheel they are on and just drop to rock bottom already! >:(

I am glad your Dad is in the right place to get the medical attention he needs, Light. Please also get some “me” time for you. It’s a really full plate you have and I am inspired to see that you have kept your boundaries on your H’s behaviour, no need for extra drama. ;) I wish I learnt that earlier but at least I eventually learnt it, more or less  ;D

Give DD a hug from me 😁 she sounds such a solid young lady.

The H you describe seems most happy in his love language — Acts of service, is it almost tempting to play “damsel”? I ask because when my H was busy being KISA to OL, I consciously refused to be less capable. I relied on you and HS friends and my bff, even therapists but I plodded on, a little shakily at first ( there are times I wish I could have been there more for DS ) but after realising I could not rely on rational responsible decision-making by H, I did not “turn to” him. I didn’t want to and sometimes still don’t. I keep him informed but don’t rely on him. I think he (now, with a clearer mind) misses that and seeks to find ways to “help out”.

I guess I am rambling again.  ;)

Hugs, peace and strength and much 💗


 

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