Author Topic: My Story How Far is Rock Bottom?  (Read 3625 times)

Online nahTopic starter

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My Story How Far is Rock Bottom?
« on: November 16, 2017, 06:42:00 PM »

Old Thread:  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9425.0


How Far is Rock Bottom?

Of course I'm talking about the guy that use to be my husband.

Having one of those WTF days....  :P

So if you have been following my newly released spouse journey (not so new anymore) you will know that I have been laid off from my job yesterday (with a 6 month severance), today I turned in my leased BMW, and the closing of my house is the end of the month.  Then I plan on traveling for at least six months.  I'm shedding all of my material possessions except for a small amount of clothes and suitcases.  :D

Since I am selling my house, I rented an apartment for my mom (who has lived with me for about 20 years) and I rented a small house for my son (his girlfriend will pay utilities). 

Now The Leaver and I paid for our daughter's college and expenses when she was in college to the tune of over 60K, plus a free car and her expenses.  She didn't work while she went to school, we paid for everything.

Now it's our son turn.  He works part time and pays for his gas, food, pocket money for small expenses.  He had a late start due to depression and drug issues.  This past year he has soared, mentally, emotionally and physically.  I am in the clouds happy at how he has seemed to take control of his issues and is doing so great.  He went from high school drop out to getting his GED on his own (the same week his best friend/cousin died of an overdose) and now all A's in college.  I would have taken a hundred Bomb Drops if someone told me the tradeoff would be that my son would be doing exactly what he is doing right now.

Since we took care of daughter I strongly feel that our son should get the same treatment.

So I rented son a small house for him at $950.00 a month so he could concentrate on school and not have to work full time. 

If you remember, when The Leaver ran away he was making close to a 1/2 a million a year.  I'm sure the girl thought she hit the jackpot as she was in debt when they met.

At the time, He also promised if I kept the house (because I told him I didn't want the burden, this is a huge house and too much for me to take care of on my own) he would pay me $3000.00 a month in alimony for seven years PLUS take care of all the house repairs it needed PLUS take care of all the kid's expenses as they were too old for child support.... oh yes, it was all going to be fine.

Then almost 2 years ago he was fired due to illegal activities and unusual decisions including allowing the very young and inexperienced girl into meetings where she didn't belong.  She never left his side at the company, and it didn't go over well, not at all.  He was not only fired but blackballed from the entire industry. 

I was the first one he called.  You see, he could no longer pay my alimony.

He makes about 10% of his former income.  Since he bought them a big house with 5+ acres, new truck for him, new car for her, get her out of debt, etc, he quickly blew through his half of our retirement.  Not my circus, well,,,,... until I contact him to pay half of his responsibilities.

Four years ago he said he would pay for all of it, now I'm asking for half.  Not even counting the car I bought son, b/c The Leaver already said he couldn't afford that either.

Here's a short version of our conversation.....

"Hi, since my company is closing I would like you to put son back on your car insurance (when The Leaver lost his job I took over son's insurance without The Leaver even asking)

Initially he said yes, then a boatload of excuses due to the fault of the insurance companies  ::)

Then I said he could pay the insurance to me plus $475.00 a month for son's rent.  One check to me and I would take care of everything.

His response??

"Can't.... I'm not sure if I can even do the car insurance, I have a job interview with Home Depot today to help during slow times.  Real estate is not consistent.

A BIG FAT.... DUH  ( I didn't write that but come on, he didn't know that going in??)

And... Home Depot?  Hey, I have zero issues with an honest job no matter what it is, but he sure did... he thought he was just too cool with his big fat job that everyone should bow to his awesomeness... well, didn't Karma go up his @ss a mile high??

So I listed everything he shorted me over the last few years.... over 100K shorted me, and now he's taking zero responsibility for son's expenses so he can have the same opportunities as our daughter? 

The Leaver's response...

"He can live with me for free."

 ???  ... btw... for those that do not know, The Leaver's shiny new wife is YOUNGER THAN SON'S GIRLFRIEND!!!.... wouldn't most normal people find that,.. well, icky?  How would that living arrangement work?

I responded with, "He does not feel comfortable doing that for obvious reasons".

crickets.

Of course crickets, what else did I expect?  Still a child.
« Last Edit: November 16, 2017, 07:11:32 PM by nah »
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BD April 6 2013 day after family went out for sons birthday.
I packed his bags two days later...vanisher

Offline No expectations

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #1 on: November 16, 2017, 07:25:58 PM »
Attaching,  Nah.  Wouldn't miss it.   Guess that karma bus is driving right over the Leaver  ;)
Married 10 1/2 years, together 17.  BD 9/2016, 2nd BD 10/16.  H moved out 10/16.  2 AS's from my first M.  Me 55, H 49.  OW 23.

"And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through; how you managed to survive.  You won't even be sure if the storm is really over.  But one thing is certain; when you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person that walked in...that's what this storm is all about."

"The trick is to enjoy life.  Don't wish away your days, waiting for better ones."

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #2 on: November 16, 2017, 07:43:12 PM »
Attaching.... well it would certainly appear that you are the living better spouse. Jealous of your upcoming travel plans. All my favorite places.  8)
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
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Online nahTopic starter

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #3 on: November 16, 2017, 07:50:43 PM »
Attaching,  Nah.  Wouldn't miss it.   Guess that karma bus is driving right over the Leaver  ;)

Is it bad that I enjoy watching him squirm?

http://www.shaidsnews.com/images/icons/animated_dancing_girl.gif

Guess I'll have to live with being bad.  ;) ;D ;D
H-52
me-50
ow-30
married 1986
BD April 6 2013 day after family went out for sons birthday.
I packed his bags two days later...vanisher

Offline Mae

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #4 on: November 16, 2017, 07:51:15 PM »
Great thread title.....there is probably a bit more to go for him to truly reach rock bottom, but he's doing a sterling job of it so far.
Me: 49
H: 40
S18, D15
Together for 19 years
BDay in 2004, 2011 and now March 5 2017
Ran away on 5 March BD
No OW
Returned home 'underdone' 1 July 2017.
Left again 22 October 2017.
H - Medicated & Zombie Like is NC

Online nahTopic starter

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #5 on: November 16, 2017, 07:52:35 PM »
Jealous of your upcoming travel plans. All my favorite places.  8)

Anyone can do it.  Imagine, plan, do....  :D
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married 1986
BD April 6 2013 day after family went out for sons birthday.
I packed his bags two days later...vanisher

Online nahTopic starter

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #6 on: November 16, 2017, 07:54:44 PM »
Great thread title.....there is probably a bit more to go for him to truly reach rock bottom, but he's doing a sterling job of it so far.

He has always been an overachiever.   ;D
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married 1986
BD April 6 2013 day after family went out for sons birthday.
I packed his bags two days later...vanisher

Offline bvFTD

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #7 on: November 16, 2017, 07:58:34 PM »
It's a f*cking nightmare we are all living.

New LBS: Immediately divorce your spouses. Make sure your attorney states they can't go back to court later once they've been fired or "let go" from their jobs because they then may receive permission to lower or end alimony and/or child support. Make sure your decree puts you first in line after the inevitable fallout: leins, bankruptcy and ruin.

The courts have not yet figured out what we are dealing with, but they will.

Love and strength, Nah. 

Online nahTopic starter

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #8 on: November 16, 2017, 08:09:26 PM »
So the messaging continued,... he made a simple task of switching the insurance into a big fire trucking complicated deal,,....so now I need to go to the DMV tomorrow to switch registration and such, doing this will make it even more expensive but it's what The Leaver wants so if he wants to pay more than he has to b/c he's stupid then so be it.... again not my circus.  At least he agreed to pay the insurance BUT....

He followed with this....

I don't have $595.00 a month to give you right now.

So I responded with...

You are not giving me $595.00 a month it's for son.  We fully supported daughter when she went to school now it's his turn.

He came back with....

"Nah" (I noticed over the years that he uses my name when he is pouting) I don't have it.  Daughter went to school when I was making a lot of money.  If it was now I wouldn't give it to her either. (yeah, right)  It's not one against the other.  I wasn't anticipating this expense.  I'm doing what I can to help.

Oh no... this following truth dart must have stung....

I guess I'll pay all of it since I'm the only one who is punished financially for your bad decisions.  I'm selling this house bc it too much of a burden for me alone, just like I said when you ran away from all your responsibilities then too.  If you're so broke, what about getting a smaller house?  What about your retirement?  You had no problem taking from it so you could buy a big house with how much land??

Big surprise....he responds to the hard truths with silence.

What a fire trucking coward.
« Last Edit: November 16, 2017, 08:14:40 PM by nah »
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married 1986
BD April 6 2013 day after family went out for sons birthday.
I packed his bags two days later...vanisher

Online nahTopic starter

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #9 on: November 16, 2017, 08:11:25 PM »
It's a f*cking nightmare we are all living.

New LBS: Immediately divorce your spouses. Make sure your attorney states they can't go back to court later once they've been fired or "let go" from their jobs because they then may receive permission to lower or end alimony and/or child support. Make sure your decree puts you first in line after the inevitable fallout: leins, bankruptcy and ruin.

The courts have not yet figured out what we are dealing with, but they will.

Love and strength, Nah.

Yep.  At the time I never imagined in a million years that The Leaver would ever lose his job.  He was a leader in his industry.  He did the firing, not the other way around.

Like we all say, if I knew then.....
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BD April 6 2013 day after family went out for sons birthday.
I packed his bags two days later...vanisher

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #10 on: November 16, 2017, 09:24:36 PM »
Well, I'm just shocked that he didn't write back and tell you that yes, he realizes the big house and land certainly need to be downsized, as well as the fancy vehicles.  I was also pretty sure he was going to tell you that all the money he spends as a "sugar daddy" is going to now go directly to your S for schooling. 

Yeah......I was just so surprised when you told us that he just isn't going to be able to help out.    Ummm......NO....No I wasn't surprised at all.

It is nice to hear that your son is doing so well right now after the things he's been through and overcome in his life.  I'm sorry for him that his father can't seem to be a father right now and I hope that he doesn't let that negatively influence all that he's working on accomplishing right now. 

One thing I've been wondering about, Nah.  How can you see Leaver's bank balance??!  Does he know that you can see it??? 

 
After all, tomorrow is another day.

Online OffRoad

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #11 on: November 17, 2017, 12:09:48 AM »
Jealous of your upcoming travel plans. All my favorite places.  8)

Anyone can do it.  Imagine, plan, do....  :D
You left out win the lottery/inherit lots of money/get a rich bf/gf/ get a good divorce settlement/some other source of money before "Do". Finding that money would likely  be in the imagine and planning phases...... I wonder if work would give me a six month sabattical.  That'd be cool.

Be sure to hit the zoo and Torrey Pines in SD, and if you road trip to SF, the butterflies in the Monterey area (Pacific Grove) are beautiful. And the elephant seals near San Simeon are awesome.

When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #12 on: November 17, 2017, 12:24:54 AM »
Is this stuff legally enforceable, nah? Do you need to just go back to the L route?
BD - Oct 15, mostly silent vanishing husband, diagnosed with severe depression in Dec 15 & seeing psychiatrist/on ADs since then
OW since Apr 16, maybe earlier?
H filed Jan 17.
80/20 strategy for me in 2018

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #13 on: November 17, 2017, 12:40:04 AM »
Hi Nah, sorry about your Job, chuffed to bits about your Son and the Leaver!! What a tool.... downgrade and try to live as a normal human being would, ist not as hard as youd think....

I too am in the middle of packing, not nice...

IF you come to Europe (which isnt as small as you Americans think) then give me a shout if your around our way!!! A coffee or 10 Beers would be cool  :D
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 44
W: 44
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28. Trainings partner. Still together
2 Sons - 18 & 19
2 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Filed
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0
T10. http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9547.0

Offline Tyks

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #14 on: November 17, 2017, 02:38:04 AM »
It is funny how they pay a decent amount of money for a bit and then make excuses. Even funnier when the house goes up for sale because it is a burden for us financially. My house is now up for sale and the day after he was emailing me wondering why it was listed so high and insinuating that I pulled the wool over his eyes with the separation agreement. They are always the victim and we are always the bad guy. Poor people.

A lot of stress for you right now, Nah, but the trqvelling will be worth it!
Me 48
Him 48
22 years together - Married 20
BD1 - August 26, 2016 - ILYBINILWY
BD 2 - August 28, 2016 - OW discovered EA - Kicked him out - currently separated
D15 D18

April 2017 - Legal Separation Agreement
August 2017 - I filed for divorce

Offline ChrissYAH

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #15 on: November 17, 2017, 02:49:18 AM »
Following along Nah, why do all these losers want to back out from doing whats right re their children??? I guess they feel guilty  putting their kids before their 'soul mates' . ::)
« Last Edit: November 17, 2017, 02:55:09 AM by ChrissYAH »

Offline Thunder

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #16 on: November 17, 2017, 03:32:21 AM »
Nah, I'm just glad you divorced him while he had a good, high paying job. 
If it happened after his job "crash/karma" you'd be paying him.   :)

I know you can't make him man up and do the right thing (down size) but I did enjoy the truth darts.  ;D

I'm just glad your S is going to school and has a great mom to help him out.

How's the hunky bf doing?   :)
Sounds like he pretty much stays out of it but is great support for you.

Sorry about the job nah, but not about your exciting vaca plans.
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Online nahTopic starter

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #17 on: November 17, 2017, 04:56:55 AM »
Is this stuff legally enforceable, nah? Do you need to just go back to the L route?

Wish I could.  Both of our kids were over 18 when we divorced....

AND....

Due to a big fat Karma stick hitting The Leaver between the eyes, I make about 3x's as he does, if anything they would make me pay.

How did this happen?

For over 25 years I supported every single decision The Leaver ever wanted,..INCLUDING divorce, I filed and handed it on a platter b/c if was what HE wanted.  He had all the women at his work calling me "The Lucky Lady", they all imagined that I was floating in a pool while he worked his @ss off.  I'm not kidding, it was what he portrayed.

The Truth?  Before kids I worked 2 full time jobs.  Men make more than women?  OK, I 'll do what men do, and did.... I worked at UPS when I was young and now Biotech manufacturing.  We BOTH worked our @sses off for many many years.  I was a stay at home mom for years (took in other kids among other things but we never used daycare) and then went to school about 15 years ago.  I could have picked something easy as The Leaver at the time would have supported us financially and I could have "floated in the pool" instead I took all math and science, the most difficult classes I could find,... BD time I was low on the ladder in the company as I was still learning, not earning much.  That's how I was the "Lucky Lady" as alimony was according to our income.

How I really got "Lucky"?  I was working 60+ hours a week in a high stress, physical and mental technical field.  I pushed and learned, took chances and earned respect even though I would often literally have tears flowing down my face while attaching viral carts, carrying stainless steel filter housings up ladders, evaluating chromatograms, leading men twice my size, yelling instructions over the loud pumps/alarms/pressure vessels.  Then I would put on a dress, wipe my face and go to technical meetings.  The promotions and the money followed.  I went from 40K at BD to about 120K now.

You left out win the lottery/inherit lots of money/get a rich bf/gf/ get a good divorce settlement/some other source of money before "Do". Finding that money would likely  be in the imagine and planning phases...... I wonder if work would give me a six month sabattical.  That'd be cool.


They are not letting me take a sabbatical, I was laid off.  Over 300 people laid off, all with degrees and experience, and I'm the only one taking a sabbatical.  That day the HR woman thanked me for being her only bright spot of the day.

What's really stopping them?  Fear.

I know this because I'm afraid too.  I'm selling/donating every single thing I own.  I keep telling my now ex-coworkers to watch for my resume in their new jobs b/c in about six months when I come back poor, homeless and single, I will seek them out.   ;D ;D

Lottery - never played.  Inheritance - pfft.  Rich boyfriend?  I dumped him, I prefer fun
Good Divorce settlement?  Well, yes I did ok, due to me alone, not my lawyer.

As for the hunky boyfriend?  :D

If he wants to be with me he has no choice but to come along for the ride.

Because this girl no longer takes a backseat.  8)
« Last Edit: November 17, 2017, 05:00:21 AM by nah »
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married 1986
BD April 6 2013 day after family went out for sons birthday.
I packed his bags two days later...vanisher

Online nahTopic starter

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #18 on: November 17, 2017, 05:16:06 AM »
What a tool....

I use that very term all the time.  ;D ;D ;D


IF you come to Europe (which isnt as small as you Americans think) then give me a shout if your around our way!!!

I think it seems small b/c you can visit a lot of countries in a short amount of time.  I cruised around the boot of Italy a few years ago and LOVED IT!!!  That's when I was tipping my toes into traveling.  I'll be honest Germany wasn't very high on the list but it is now.  :)

I'm hoping to hit Europe early spring.  We don't plan though, so anything can happen.

A coffee or 10 Beers would be cool  :D

I might be the one American that doesn't drink coffee OR beer...

How about tea and martinis?
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married 1986
BD April 6 2013 day after family went out for sons birthday.
I packed his bags two days later...vanisher

Online nahTopic starter

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #19 on: November 17, 2017, 05:27:25 AM »
One thing I've been wondering about, Nah.  How can you see Leaver's bank balance??!  Does he know that you can see it???

I love to share all my secrets in case it can help even ONE LBS.

No he doesn't know I can see his account which is hysterical b/c he has more than just a few times mentioned how I always "know everything".  ;D ;D  Over the years I always contact him when he get a "windfall" such as cashing in retirement or sell a house.  It's so funny that he has yet to put two and two together.  I have to say more than once it has been hard not to yell, "because I can see your account, stupid" when he tries to lie. 

He use to pay my alimony electronically which has his bank account number.  I called the automated line of all the local banks with his account number until it continued instead of a voice recording of "let's try again", once I found the right bank, all I needed was his social security number which of course I know by heart.

 8)

Boom, there it was.
« Last Edit: November 17, 2017, 05:30:49 AM by nah »
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BD April 6 2013 day after family went out for sons birthday.
I packed his bags two days later...vanisher

Online nahTopic starter

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #20 on: November 17, 2017, 05:44:48 AM »
he was emailing me wondering why it was listed so high and insinuating that I pulled the wool over his eyes with the separation agreement. They are always the victim and we are always the bad guy. Poor people.

Oh Yeah, mine did that too.

Until I mentioned how in the last four years while I was working 60+ hours a week (and a LBS mess) and doing "normal" cleaning (four bathrooms  :P ) and yard work, I was on the roof cleaning gutters, cutting down tress with a chain saw after a big storm, taking care of the pool and gardens, sanding, painting, etc.

I admit I was the "Lucky Lady" as in the last two years my contractor boyfriend completed the "honey do" list that was growing instead of shrinking.  Plus he's a really good self proclaimed "cat butler", (I have 3 cats  :P ).  We have done massive renovations, all 4 bathrooms are brand new.

So I am having many bittersweet moments as we sell off the furniture one by one BUT I will not miss all the stress of having all this responsibility only in my lap.

However another karma stick for The Leaver, we appraised the house as having 80K equity during the divorce (b/c it was what I said at the time and he was too busy running to question)

I'm walking away with almost 250K
H-52
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married 1986
BD April 6 2013 day after family went out for sons birthday.
I packed his bags two days later...vanisher

Offline Thunder

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #21 on: November 17, 2017, 05:50:22 AM »
Oouuu, that's Karma in a good way.   ;D ;D
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #22 on: November 17, 2017, 11:52:30 AM »
Home Depot. Wow. Quite a fall.

Me 46
H 45
S11
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo.

Offline Tyks

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #23 on: November 17, 2017, 12:45:40 PM »
Quote
     However another karma stick for The Leaver, we appraised the house as having 80K equity during the divorce (b/c it was what I said at the time and he was too busy running to question)

I'm walking away with almost 250K   

Yup, me too. The day after he left I had a realtor evaluate. There was about 100k equity. He accepted that as well because he was also too busy running. 14 months later, and several unfinished projects now finished, I have double the equity. But it was not pulling the wool over his eyes. It has been hard work and determination and lots of reliance on friends to get ready to sell. Now he complains and has his hand out but he has not once offered to come and get the plave ready for sale. He is still too busy running and now he wants that free ride. Unbelievable.
Me 48
Him 48
22 years together - Married 20
BD1 - August 26, 2016 - ILYBINILWY
BD 2 - August 28, 2016 - OW discovered EA - Kicked him out - currently separated
D15 D18

April 2017 - Legal Separation Agreement
August 2017 - I filed for divorce

Offline Treasure

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #24 on: November 17, 2017, 11:46:56 PM »
Attachingx

Online Treasur

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #25 on: November 17, 2017, 11:49:48 PM »
'Free ride' does seem to be an MLC thing, doesn't it? Along with whining about the consequences of your own (s$it) choices. How lovely that the karma bus decided to give you a dollop of cash in return for your hard work, nah.
BD - Oct 15, mostly silent vanishing husband, diagnosed with severe depression in Dec 15 & seeing psychiatrist/on ADs since then
OW since Apr 16, maybe earlier?
H filed Jan 17.
80/20 strategy for me in 2018

"her soul is fierce, her heart is brave, her mind is strong." R.H Sin
Grace is...Elegance, good will, unearned blessings, a prayer of thanks and how to address a duchess.
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline ChrissYAH

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #26 on: November 18, 2017, 12:19:56 AM »
Maybe thats why the loon married the reject for a 'free ride' and a paid off home, he chose that over his family.

« Last Edit: November 18, 2017, 12:24:18 AM by ChrissYAH »

Offline riverbirch

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #27 on: November 18, 2017, 01:47:52 AM »
God these men make me sick.

Well Nah enjoy yourself.

Mine slept in his truck last night I believe up in the Wal-Mart parking lot. He left yesterday because i saw another woman's picture on his phone. No I'm sorry nothing. Instead it was my fault for looking in his phone. Screw that!
Me 51
H (whatever he is) 53
D for financial reasons March 2012
Started seeing massive change over the summer 2012
Left end of October 2012
Started coming home thanksgiving 2013
Home now. March 2014
Believe ow is gone
Probably going through this for years
OW discovered Oct.23,2013,old GF from before we met at the age of 16!
Left again Oct. 20 2015
Came back two weeks later
Still here 01/17 not done yet

Offline ChrissYAH

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #28 on: November 18, 2017, 02:00:03 AM »
Im thinking these men reach rock bottom when the karma bus collects them?

Offline No expectations

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #29 on: November 18, 2017, 03:42:51 AM »
Yes, Nah, you truly are the living better spouse!! 8)
Married 10 1/2 years, together 17.  BD 9/2016, 2nd BD 10/16.  H moved out 10/16.  2 AS's from my first M.  Me 55, H 49.  OW 23.

"And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through; how you managed to survive.  You won't even be sure if the storm is really over.  But one thing is certain; when you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person that walked in...that's what this storm is all about."

"The trick is to enjoy life.  Don't wish away your days, waiting for better ones."

Online OffRoad

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #30 on: November 18, 2017, 02:14:52 PM »
You left out win the lottery/inherit lots of money/get a rich bf/gf/ get a good divorce settlement/some other source of money before "Do". Finding that money would likely  be in the imagine and planning phases...... I wonder if work would give me a six month sabattical.  That'd be cool.


They are not letting me take a sabbatical, I was laid off.  Over 300 people laid off, all with degrees and experience, and I'm the only one taking a sabbatical.  That day the HR woman thanked me for being her only bright spot of the day.

I know your job isn't giving you a sabbatical.  Your job is letting you go with a six month severance. The way you have written, I took that to mean you thought is was a good thing, being as it happened as you sold the house, got your mom into an apartment and your son into a house and you and E are ready to travel. If I misinterpreted that, I apologize.

I, however, do not have a job that has laid me off with a six month severance, and I need to live in the house I own until the kids get out of college because living any where else wold increase my cost of living to the point where i couldn't afford to get them the rest of the way though college. I was speaking purely about how cool it would be if my job would give me a six month sabbatical, because I need to have a job to return to since I am the sole support of both of my kids and myself. It was simply a comment on how nice it would be to take six months off and travel, but I don't actually have that luxury, cash flow or a traveling companion, should I want one, quite yet. I could manage with no pay for six months if my job gave me a sabbatical and allowed me to return. So that'd be cool.


When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Online nahTopic starter

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #31 on: November 27, 2017, 06:21:44 PM »
Oops, I never responded Offload, sometimes I read from my phone and then forget.

Yes, I think the real reason I can do this trip is the age of my kids.  My baby is 24 so, they don't need me around as much.  I did, however, set my son up in an apartment with his girlfriend.  Of course, the Leaver (Mr. SugarDaddy) is too broke to help  ::)

I have been planning this trip for a few years so the layoff just happened to be a gift that landed in my lap.  That seems to happen to me a lot.  Kind of like MLC, it seemed at first like the worst thing in the world, it ended up being a gift.

So ready for some drama???...... :P

Remember band #1, 2 and 3?

Quick recap....

Band number one was the band The Leaver was in during BD.  The Bass player was a good friend to both of us and was somewhat put in the middle.  I backed way off and for about two years it seemed like the band and friends accepted the girl and forgot about me.  Then one day the bass player asked me to talk to him and let me know the truth.  Everyone hated the girl, The Leaver "changed' (ummm...duh, that's what I was saying the whole time), and they were kicking The Leaver out of the band.  To date, The Leaver is out and I now see this band and all the friends about once or twice a month.  "E" is friends with them too, so it works out fine (for me anyways, not The Leaver).

Band Two started right after Band one.  It lasted a little over a year and then suddenly Band Two announced "a new line-up".  That weekend when I happened to be out watching Band One, the female singer of Band Two showed up telling everyone that they got rid of The Leaver b/c he was a huge A-hole.  Someone pointed over to me and said, hey that's his wife.  ummm... no I'm not.

Now he joined Band Three.  Band Three was his longest friend from grade school who was very supportive of me during the divorce.  The Leaver's friend tried talking to The Leaver all the time during this time (with my full support) but he was ignored.  I chalked it up to MLC and figured The Leaver would just keep hiding from everybody for life.  Now the friend's wife happened to work for a divorce lawyer so I used her boss for my divorce.  The wife, I have known for 25+ years and she was always an over the top drama queen but I have always been easy going to I could take her so we could all be friends.  During the divorce I needed someone to talk to and I had nothing to hide, so we were on the phone daily with all the drama, drama, drama, which she ate up happily.

Once Band two was done for The Leaver, this couple all of a sudden dropped me as a friend.  It was sudden and quite honestly just plain mean.  I didn't understand why they would treat me this way when it first happened then a week later it was announced, oh now it made sense.  The Leaver joined a band with his friend so they needed me gone.

Remember my smoke and mirrors prediction?

If you don't, when this all happened, yes I was upset.  The Leaver's friend was also my friend for 25+ years and they way he treated me was just plain mean, not at all warranted and not like him at all.  To make it worse, just days after they told me "there was a vote and they decided my personality didn't fit for a trip" ( a trip they begged me to go on for years), this same friend posted a picture of The Leaver and the girl on Facebook with a capture to post pictures of "your true love" every day for a week.  :o  Wow.... huge slap in the face to me.  I "unfriended" him and never spoke to them again.  Now, I now this friend's wife was behind the whole thing.  She has always been a huge drama queen and sh!t stirrer but honestly before BD I was immune to her antics, if anything I would roll my eyes and ignore her. 

So I predicted smoke and mirrors.  This woman is my age, and looks it.  The Leaver's girl could be her daughter.  They are both selfish "look at me" drama queens, how long until that relationship will blow up?  hmmm... I think when this all started I said it should take about 2 years.  It's been 18 months and I just got a message from....
...you guessed it.

After 18 months of silence this friend's wife sent me this long winded message of how I was always a dear friend, and "there is nothing I can do about what happened" (what happened?  what happened was she point blank wrote to me that she didn't want a friend like me in her life b/c her boss's ex-husband died and I didn't send a card.... this was the same week my nephew died  :o )
then blah blah blah...We will always be here for you, All our love...  ::)

18 months ago I was a piece of sh!t b/c I didn't send a card, now all of a sudden I'm super awesome?

What I think is really happening?

Band three has been quiet on Facebook.... my prediction is that it's falling apart and she wants to tell me the gossip.

I'm giving her nothing.... nada.  I give zero firetrucks about her, her husband, The Leaver and the girl.... let them all wallow in their own karma.

Stay tuned....
H-52
me-50
ow-30
married 1986
BD April 6 2013 day after family went out for sons birthday.
I packed his bags two days later...vanisher

Offline Mae

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #32 on: November 27, 2017, 07:09:54 PM »
You surely know all of them so well Nah, why things happened the way they did and what is happening now.

Meanwhile....you have a fabulous life to get on with.
Me: 49
H: 40
S18, D15
Together for 19 years
BDay in 2004, 2011 and now March 5 2017
Ran away on 5 March BD
No OW
Returned home 'underdone' 1 July 2017.
Left again 22 October 2017.
H - Medicated & Zombie Like is NC

Offline ChrissYAH

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #33 on: November 27, 2017, 07:28:00 PM »
Thats amazing Nah, can u predict my X's outcome with his wh*r^?? hahaha

Online Treasur

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #34 on: November 27, 2017, 07:51:03 PM »
Nah - first of all, I love this thread title...my first reaction to it was a big cavernous echoing well (time for a UM gif really!)

And when you're in the UK, there's wine and a bed for you here in Suffolk if you want one!
BD - Oct 15, mostly silent vanishing husband, diagnosed with severe depression in Dec 15 & seeing psychiatrist/on ADs since then
OW since Apr 16, maybe earlier?
H filed Jan 17.
80/20 strategy for me in 2018

"her soul is fierce, her heart is brave, her mind is strong." R.H Sin
Grace is...Elegance, good will, unearned blessings, a prayer of thanks and how to address a duchess.
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Lastresort

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #35 on: November 27, 2017, 08:17:15 PM »
Hi Nah,

Seems like your MLcer is starting to put himself on an island.  Make a you wonder if rock bottom is around the corner.   

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #36 on: November 27, 2017, 08:30:07 PM »
Actually I didn't guess the right person!  I thought it would be the Leaver's friend.  The guy who started out supporting you and took a major wrong turn along the way!   :(

But drama queen lady makes for an interesting scenario too. 

Can't make this crap up.  I keep saying it's a book worth writing, followed by a movie.   ;)
After all, tomorrow is another day.

Online nahTopic starter

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #37 on: November 28, 2017, 01:57:04 PM »
Thats amazing Nah, can u predict my X's outcome with his wh*r^?? hahaha

Wish I had that ability Chriss, I would never have to go back to work.  :)


And when you're in the UK, there's wine and a bed for you here in Suffolk if you want one!

I might take you up on that.  "E" is sober, so more wine for us.  :D

Make a you wonder if rock bottom is around the corner.   

I think he has been fighting it for quite a while.

H-52
me-50
ow-30
married 1986
BD April 6 2013 day after family went out for sons birthday.
I packed his bags two days later...vanisher

Online nahTopic starter

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #38 on: November 28, 2017, 02:31:50 PM »
Actually I didn't guess the right person!  I thought it would be the Leaver's friend.  The guy who started out supporting you and took a major wrong turn along the way!   :(

But drama queen lady makes for an interesting scenario too. 

Can't make this crap up.  I keep saying it's a book worth writing, followed by a movie.   ;)

Well, The Leaver's friend is just a puppet for his drama queen wife.

I know with all my heart that there is a motive for this message.  No way is it about how they "truly adore" me and how they "regretted the way things were handled".  It wasn't an outside event,.. THEY caused it.  I love messaging as it is still completely all in writing.  They attacked and I just responded with an "OK", that was it.  Zero drama on my part.  It was 100% them telling me they decided they didn't want me as their friend anymore, I mean, how does one misinterpret something so matter as fact as that?

Since there was zero communication between "we decided that your personality doesn't fit" to "we adore you".... what changed?

18 months with The Leaver and the girl is what changed.

Remember how I wrote about this 18 months ago when it first happened?  I said it wouldn't last.  Two "pay attention to me" drama queens in one arena?  Nope it's just is not gonna last.

If this band does fall apart, and my instincts says it's on its way, that will officially be the last of The Leaver's friends.

The Leaver and I had a huge circle of friends and family.

Since BD The Leaver has lost...
My side of the family, he was closer to my side than his own, including my nephew who was more like a son, he now has a daughter that the Leaver never met.

Not only his job but his coworker friends, friends of 25+ years that he also betrayed when he changed jobs (then he was fired).

Hockey friends.  At least 10 were close friends, at least 60 guys played, he had to quit, she didn't like hockey.  Some of these guys I see (remember my "success story"?  At the end that was a hockey friend)  He never sees any of them anymore, told me their wives don't allow it.  ;D ;D

Motorcycle friends.  Again, she won't ride so he had to sell his bike.  The motorcycle wives didn't allow their husbands around The Leaver anyways after they heard what he did.

Band #1, old friends from the eighties about 20-30 people (who I now see often)

(I didn't know Band #2, he tried to start fresh with people who didn't know me but that didn't work either)

Now band #3, the bass player (not the original this is another bass player) and The Leaver have been close since grade school.  This friend is also the center of a group from The Leaver's high school.  I noticed they had a fundraiser last week on Facebook for one of their sick friends (in a very popular local cover band so many were there) and no sign of The Leaver.  In fact, I was invited and didn't go b/c I expected that The Leaver would be there....  he wasn't.  This was the third big event with that group where The Leaver was mysteriously missing.

Hmmmm.....then the drama queen wife suddenly wants to be my friend again.

Hanging out with the popcorn.
« Last Edit: November 28, 2017, 02:35:38 PM by nah »
H-52
me-50
ow-30
married 1986
BD April 6 2013 day after family went out for sons birthday.
I packed his bags two days later...vanisher

Offline ChrissYAH

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #39 on: November 28, 2017, 03:56:34 PM »
Hmmmm.....then the drama queen wife suddenly wants to be my friend again.' ???


Both sound as twisted as each other.

Offline Tyks

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #40 on: November 28, 2017, 04:05:03 PM »
Nah, I do love your stories. I so wish that I could see some downfalls for my h's new life. Hasn't happened yet. I guess it may take four years.
Me 48
Him 48
22 years together - Married 20
BD1 - August 26, 2016 - ILYBINILWY
BD 2 - August 28, 2016 - OW discovered EA - Kicked him out - currently separated
D15 D18

April 2017 - Legal Separation Agreement
August 2017 - I filed for divorce

Offline ChrissYAH

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #41 on: November 28, 2017, 04:15:23 PM »
Same Tyks, the other day I found out about his lavish reception at a VERY pricey suburb and I broke down, when my youngest asks him for money he tells her to 'piss off'
« Last Edit: November 28, 2017, 04:51:48 PM by ChrissYAH »

Online nahTopic starter

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #42 on: November 29, 2017, 05:45:37 PM »
Well Tyks and Chriss, sometime it's just how you want to look at it.

I love BBHelp's saying, "whatever you focus on gets bigger" (or something like that)

I could look at life one way such as,....

In the last two weeks I turned in my BMW (it was a lease), lost my house (well sold it) and lost my job (well laid off and will get a severance),... so as I joke I like to say "I'm homeless and unemployed", and that is the truth.  BUT.... I could stress out (as most coworkers were doing even though we all have experience and a degree in a high income field) or I can choose to take it as a gift.

Which leads me to....
Nah, I do love your stories. I so wish that I could see some downfalls for my h's new life. Hasn't happened yet. I guess it may take four years.

Yes, I have been fortunate that the truth has fallen into my lap many times without me even trying but again,... it's what I choose to focus on, and that gets bigger,

For example....

My daughter (who hasn't spoken to me in over 3 years) told my mother (the last time she spoke to her EIGHT MONTHS AGO) that The Leaver is "so happy".

Now I could focus on the fact that my daughter does not speak to me but SEEMS (seems is the key word) to be all BFF with the girl and what about the "so happy" snippet?  My daughter might be a pain in the @ss but she is far from stupid.  She knew what she was doing, she purposely fed this information to my mother so it would get straight back to me. 

I say, pfft.... because here's my focus. 

My daughter is manipulative, the girl is manipulative.  My daughter also hasn't spoke to my mother in over eight months,... what does that tell you?  My mother is a saint, she did nothing but love and care for my daughter since the day she was born. 

I could focus that my daughter said The Leaver is "so happy" but I have sensed the smoke and mirrors far too long to be fooled.  If it was true, why bother to say anything?  What was the point? Pure manipulation, plain and simple.  Please, daughter, I made you and I can see right through you.  I snicker at the thought of the insane craziness that must be going on over there.

I have had more than just a few people come to me incensed with fury over the girl.  Hey, I don't want to hear it, she is not my karma, but it does tell me what I believe is closer to the truth than he is "so happy". 

Right now, my focus is living the biggest and best life I can live. 

He can "be so happy" while interviewing at home depot for a job that I know he is embarrassed about (too bad b/c I would always be proud of him no matter what he did, but I didn't need a sugar daddy, either) but again, that's not my karma.

In the meantime, again, the focus I want bigger is me and my life.  My focus is living big, taking chances, planning and following through on what will make ME happy. 

If once in a while if I hear about his karma due to his crappy decisions that's just gravy.  :D
« Last Edit: November 29, 2017, 05:51:05 PM by nah »
H-52
me-50
ow-30
married 1986
BD April 6 2013 day after family went out for sons birthday.
I packed his bags two days later...vanisher

Offline Tyks

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #43 on: November 30, 2017, 01:52:53 PM »
Well said. This is something that i am going to read a few times bc boy do I need to change my thinking. I am constantly thinking the opposite. I lost my life, my h and my daughter and now i know he has "a friend". Omg he could not even admit girlfriend. Just thought of that. Whatever.

Keep writing, nah, eventually it will sink in for me lol
Me 48
Him 48
22 years together - Married 20
BD1 - August 26, 2016 - ILYBINILWY
BD 2 - August 28, 2016 - OW discovered EA - Kicked him out - currently separated
D15 D18

April 2017 - Legal Separation Agreement
August 2017 - I filed for divorce

Offline ChrissYAH

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #44 on: November 30, 2017, 02:59:43 PM »
Nah thats so true what u focus on is what u attract,good or bad, I have a hard time focusing (too much monkey brain) and cycling I love listening to Abraham Hicks, I want t start meditating as well

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WAW1lpwUcIg
« Last Edit: November 30, 2017, 03:04:00 PM by ChrissYAH »

Online nahTopic starter

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #45 on: December 01, 2017, 05:10:02 AM »
I wish I had a secret magical formula for turning off the monkey braining and how to focus on ourselves.  Personally I don't thinking forcing it helps, it just has to happen over time.

I know, I hated the time word too.


H-52
me-50
ow-30
married 1986
BD April 6 2013 day after family went out for sons birthday.
I packed his bags two days later...vanisher

Offline Watcher

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #46 on: December 01, 2017, 06:56:50 AM »
I agree. It has to occur naturally. The focus will and does shift eventually. The MLCer lives in a pretend world. It may appear to us at times that there life is good but it is a charade.

I'm a little closer in my situation so I get to see more. My W appears to have it going on to the outside world. I see her at home. I know her true identity. Money is probably a factor for many MLCer and it allows them to prolong Replay I would assume.

Eventually it does start to erode as debt begins to pile up. It does catch them eventually as I am just beginning to see. Unfortunately everything in MLC is based on time. The elusive Rock Bottom they are so great at avoiding. It will come at some point.

Focusing on the positives in our life is all that we can do. I see her fear finally because I'm done bending. I should have done it sooner. I dont pay attention to her or the circus and she is having a hard time adapting.

Rock Bottom will come organically. Its the Time factor. In the meanwhile there is too much in life to celebrate. I know that my life is much more fruitful than hers. Without a doubt.

Offline Schratz66

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #47 on: December 01, 2017, 07:04:53 AM »
Nah,
Have I told you how amazing you are?
If I can turn out to be 1/3 as strong and determined as you after I get through this crap, I would consider myself lucky.
It seems nothing stops you now and I am in awe.

I sure hope you will take us all along on your travels.

Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Online nahTopic starter

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #48 on: December 01, 2017, 03:11:24 PM »
Thank you 66, but you are so far ahead of where I was in your timeframe.

You are going to be more than fine and he's going to be kicking himself.... every. single. day.
H-52
me-50
ow-30
married 1986
BD April 6 2013 day after family went out for sons birthday.
I packed his bags two days later...vanisher

Offline ChrissYAH

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #49 on: December 01, 2017, 03:59:06 PM »
Yes Nah u are so strong and positive, can't wait to get to that place step over the trash and get on with it.

Online nahTopic starter

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #50 on: December 05, 2017, 07:10:07 PM »
Sometimes life throws a curveball...

Our travel plans have been set aside for a time.  We canceled the flight that was meant for today. 

"E"'s nephew has had a tragic injury and he is now in a coma.  It has been 3 days.  They just did a surgery today to release the pressure on his brain and it went very well.  He is 21 yrs old and now has a plate in his head.

I have been through this about 25 years ago with my brother who now has permanent brain damage, so I understand the reality, I understand he will not just wake up like they do in the movies (amazing how many people still believe that's the norm), I understand it is a long frustrating journey. 

"E" has been amazing, he is essentially the patriarch of the family since his father is difficult (the best way to put it) very much like The Leaver was to my family before he changed.  "E" had to step up and control the circus (way too many young adults swarming the hospital and trying to jam into the critical unit), he gathers the family for prayers when they are losing their sh!t, he finds their cars b/c his SIL parked illegally and puts it in a proper spot, feeds everyone, gets parking passes, communicates between extended family members, etc etc.

He still finds time to squeeze my hand and thank me for my love and support.  It's only been two years but I feel like they are family, all of them. 

I'm not usually a prayer kind of person, but E is, so I am praying.

This kid is going to be fine, it's going to be a long road but he is going to be fine.

I can feel it.

H-52
me-50
ow-30
married 1986
BD April 6 2013 day after family went out for sons birthday.
I packed his bags two days later...vanisher

Offline Shocked

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #51 on: December 05, 2017, 09:44:15 PM »
Saying a prayer for “E”s nephew! That’s very sad
I care🤗
H 51
W 58
M 22 Years
2 AD both married from my first M
BD 12/15 moved out-in replay, vanisher, MOW in Atlanta
D 2/17

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #52 on: December 06, 2017, 04:39:00 AM »
Prayers for the young man and his family. So sorry Nah.

Online nahTopic starter

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #53 on: December 06, 2017, 04:52:42 AM »
Thank you
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me-50
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married 1986
BD April 6 2013 day after family went out for sons birthday.
I packed his bags two days later...vanisher

Offline Treasure

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #54 on: December 06, 2017, 05:16:46 AM »
My thoughts are with you and E x

Offline Thunder

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #55 on: December 06, 2017, 06:21:05 AM »
Oh nah, I'm so sorry to hear that.  I hope he is fine.  So very young.   :'(

Your bf sounds like such a wonderful man.  The family is blessed to have him.
I'll say some prayers for his nephew, too. 

Big Hug!
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Online nahTopic starter

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #56 on: December 06, 2017, 07:18:24 AM »
Thanks again everyone.

Good news, he was told to wiggle his toes this morning and he did!!! 

I said to E, "that's the first time he did what he was told in how many years?"

First real smile from E since we heard the news.

 :D

Hoping for more progress....
H-52
me-50
ow-30
married 1986
BD April 6 2013 day after family went out for sons birthday.
I packed his bags two days later...vanisher

Offline Thunder

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #57 on: December 06, 2017, 07:26:06 AM »
So good to hear!   ;D
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline heroIam

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #58 on: December 06, 2017, 09:26:14 AM »
Nah
Was happy to read that E's nephew was showing some progress.
“In the end, you’ve got to be your own hero because everyone’s busy trying to save themselves.”

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #59 on: December 06, 2017, 09:35:15 AM »
I am sorry to hear about E's nephew. Sending you guys light and love. 
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #60 on: December 06, 2017, 10:43:13 AM »
Sending prayers Nah for E's nephew.

And wow E sounds like a keeper! Restores my faith.  :D
Me 46
H 45
S11
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo.

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #61 on: December 06, 2017, 06:02:40 PM »
Sorry to hear trip plans were put on hold.  You both are needed where you are right now.  I'm sure "E" and his family are thankful that you are in their lives. 

Healing thoughts and good wishes continue for the nephew.  Sending support to you as well, Nah. 
After all, tomorrow is another day.

Offline Never say never

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #62 on: December 06, 2017, 06:07:07 PM »
Praying for only positive movements.

I am so sorry to hear about nephew's medical conditions, but it sure sounds like E is there for you.  OMG ... I am so happy for you in that respect.

Both of you are so lucky to have the support of each other.  That, alone, is going to be a positive for both of you.

Trips can always be rebooked --- family cannot. 

Hugs  xoxoxo


Offline No expectations

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #63 on: December 06, 2017, 06:35:27 PM »
Nah,

Oh I'm so sorry to hear about nephew.   Prayers coming. 
Married 10 1/2 years, together 17.  BD 9/2016, 2nd BD 10/16.  H moved out 10/16.  2 AS's from my first M.  Me 55, H 49.  OW 23.

"And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through; how you managed to survive.  You won't even be sure if the storm is really over.  But one thing is certain; when you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person that walked in...that's what this storm is all about."

"The trick is to enjoy life.  Don't wish away your days, waiting for better ones."

Online nahTopic starter

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #64 on: December 07, 2017, 08:49:11 AM »
Thank you everyone for your prayers.

Having some issues with family dynamics... b/c you know what?  ALL families have issues.

So the mom and dad had E's nephew young and never married.  E's brother is the dad and he is now married with another son.  To put it simply, the mom and her entire side are takers.  Section 8 housing but working under that table, they are all gambling addicts without real jobs, loud and all about me attitudes.  Now, I don't question at all that the mom loves her son, she is a wreck and hasn't left the hospital....even though she is a lunatic, my heart goes out to her.

However this is just an example of what happened yesterday....

20-30 kids were kicked out b/c other visitors complained about smelling pot.  (Of course they all thought E was the one that called security but I know he would do it to their faces, not behind their backs)

The mother smokes two packs a day then sits next to her son reeking of cigarettes.

Even though it should be only 2 visitors at a time, they are still bringing 3-4 people at a time, all day. 

E wants to step in but his brother is getting anxious about E trying to control everyone (as he should but the brother is too "nice".... this is not the time to worry about other people's feelings)

The worst part.... the grandfather on the mother's side I think has Aspergers syndrome, he's definitely "off", anyways without even washing his hands he constantly sneaks into the room and keeps touching his grandson and emotionally charging everyone around him.  He just will not listen to reason.  If this was my son in a coma, I would call security but I'm the uncle's girlfriend.  It's just not my place.

In the meantime b/c the family can't control what they want to control (which is the situation of their loved one in a coma) they are attacking each other.

Yesterday overall was a good day.  E's nephew did a thumbs up during one of the exams but then he is sedated as he is still ventilated and will be for awhile.  Again I understand this is a very slow frustrating journey as I have been through this with my brother.

At the end of the day, the mother and father and E said goodbye and we were getting into the elevator to leave for the night.  The doctors sedate the patient so he can "sleep' and then let the sedative wear off in the morning for more nerve tests. 

The grandfather popped out of nowhere and announced he was going to "stick around".  The mother was crying, "No dad, he is sleeping, they told us he needs to rest"

The grandfather literally laughed at her like she was ridiculous and refused to leave.

It happened to quickly but E's brother begged E to not get involved so we stepped in the elevator while the mother and grandfather were still arguing.

E is the patriarch, it took everything he had not to grab the guy and escort him to his car by his throat.  If I was the mom, I would have gave him the nod to do it.
H-52
me-50
ow-30
married 1986
BD April 6 2013 day after family went out for sons birthday.
I packed his bags two days later...vanisher

Online nahTopic starter

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #65 on: December 14, 2017, 04:14:20 PM »
Just journaling....

We needed a break (plus already had the tickets) from the hospital so E and I spent 3 days in Miami and saw the Patriots.  Front row,... 50 yard line, we were so close we could smell the GOAT!!!!...another check on the bucket list.

We have been looking for a house to either flip, or set up my mother and son, or both and just haven't found the right one yet, but we are not in a big hurry as we paid the rent for both for a year.  Of course, The Leaver "is broke" and did not contribute one dime.  He did however say he would pay for son's car insurance but I need to transfer son's car to son's name instead of mine for The Leaver to pay.  Son is busy this week, so it will have to wait for now.  I was thinking of sending The Leaver a message that even though I can't transfer the insurance to his name this week, if he could give son the money instead of me since it's so close to Christmas, son could use some pocket money.

I haven't done this in a while, I checked The Leaver's account.  $18.00, yep you read that right $18.00.

This inspired me to check his Facebook, we are not friends but I can see his public stuff.... the idiot changed jobs AGAIN.  Oh brother.  I'm not sure if he got the Home Depot job or not, if he did, he didn't get paid yet.  As for the Real Estate, when you first join you have to pay more commission, so I have no idea why he would change, unless he pissed off someone there too.  Who knows??, all I know is I have a strong feeling that I'm going to be paying for our son's college by myself.

 >:(

Still, I can't think of a bill that I would rather be paying!!!  :D

I'll have to keep that in mind.

H-52
me-50
ow-30
married 1986
BD April 6 2013 day after family went out for sons birthday.
I packed his bags two days later...vanisher

Offline Rebecca2817

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #66 on: December 15, 2017, 08:10:27 AM »
Nah

The leaver has really fallen in life. I wonder how the new wife is doing in poverty. Karma is a b$tch. I hope she is suffering !

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #67 on: December 15, 2017, 08:32:30 AM »
Karma is definitely a b*tc# lol... I can't wait to see this!!!
Me 48
Him 48
22 years together - Married 20
BD1 - August 26, 2016 - ILYBINILWY
BD 2 - August 28, 2016 - OW discovered EA - Kicked him out - currently separated
D15 D18

April 2017 - Legal Separation Agreement
August 2017 - I filed for divorce

Online nahTopic starter

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #68 on: December 15, 2017, 09:11:29 AM »
haha.... so true.

From the very beginning I had to force myself not to send out bad vibes.... can't say I was perfect, I really had to force myself when my mind would drift to the darkness.

I really truly believe Karma is about us putting good into the world and hoping it comes back.  Whatever happens to people who do you wrong is THEIR karma, not ours.

Well, that's what the good angel on my shoulders tells me.....

The not so good angel has her hand up high waiting for the high five, telling me let's snicker at what is happening to the  life of The Leaver and his little gold-digger.

Nope, Nope, I'm not going to high five you,....  but maybe a little snicker is in order.  ;) ;D ;D

H-52
me-50
ow-30
married 1986
BD April 6 2013 day after family went out for sons birthday.
I packed his bags two days later...vanisher

Online nahTopic starter

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #69 on: December 15, 2017, 04:51:12 PM »
So here's a fun little story with a MLC twist.

E and I went to one of our favorite breakfast places this morning.  The owner of the diner is a dear friend of mine from high school (remember E and I went to the same high school but didn't meet until 2 years ago).  We usually sit at a booth but it was crowded so we sat at the bar, right behind my friend the diner owner as she worked the grill.  An older woman sat next to E and started to talk to the people behind us.  I nudged E and asked if he knew the woman b/c I recognized her and at the same time he said, "Hey Hi Auntie".

As they hugged and started to talk about E's nephew, the diner owner (my friend) said, "wow, you guys know each other?  "Aunt" has been coming here every week since the 70's"

Here's where it gets MLCy murky.

The diner owner's mother and my father had an on going affair in the 70's.  I have known this for years.  My father use to take me to this diner when I was around 4-5 years old and the diner owner at the time (my friend's mother) use to say to me, "I have a little girl your age" (this little girl and I became friends in high school).

Confused yet?  It gets crazier.

Once I became friends with the diner owner's daughter (she now owns the diner as her mother has since died) and my father was no longer with the diner owner, the diner owner switched from men to women.  Yes, I loved sharing that with my father years ago, pretending I didn't know about his relationship with her I purposely slipped to him that my friend's mother was gay bc all the men she ever dated were total "sh!tbags with little d!cks"... ;D ;D ;D  *see I have always stuck it to MLCer even if it was my father.... ;D ;D ;D

Let's mix in some more crazy....

E's Aunt has always been suspected from the family as gay but would use men for their money....AND she hung out at this diner since the 70's.   ummm... :o

While E's aunt was sitting next to him, the diner owner brought up the old days, included how my father gave her a ride in his airplane.

to be cont.,,,,
H-52
me-50
ow-30
married 1986
BD April 6 2013 day after family went out for sons birthday.
I packed his bags two days later...vanisher

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #70 on: December 15, 2017, 06:19:41 PM »
You really should consider writing a book. 

You probably have enough material for a sequel.

Maybe even a triology......

I'll be back later.   :)
After all, tomorrow is another day.

Online nahTopic starter

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #71 on: December 16, 2017, 07:05:33 AM »
hahaha.... I have enough for a mini-series.

I was at the hospital when I started writing yesterday and E came out with his brother after visiting with his nephew, that's why I cut it short.

Update on nephew....

He of course has a very long road ahead of him.  Right now on top of everything else he is fighting pneumonia (which is exactly what I was worried about when there was dozens of people crying all over him the first few days).  He however is doing better than my brother was at this point when my brother had an injury.

He recognized E right away when E went in to visit and pulled on his arm.  When asked if his name was "Bob" he shook his head "no", which was correct.  When asked if he had pain he shook his head yes and pointed to his head.  So very good signs, he understands directions and responds correctly.  Very very good news.

Back to the crazy MLC diner.....

So in the 70's my father was having an affair with the diner owner.  Years later I am very good friends with her daughter who is now the new owner since her mother passed away.  In sits E's aunt who also frequents the diner since the 70's, E didn't know his aunt frequented this diner until yesterday but filled me in that the family always suspected she was gay but in the closet.  She was married but her husband was shipped back to Italy in the 70's due to illegal activities... :-X

In the meantime even though she was suspected gay she would sometimes have a boyfriend especially if he flashed some money.....  I didn't know this until we left the diner.

So my friend mentions how my father took her and her mother in his airplane.  E noticed the change on my face, as I show my emotions easily (I would never be a good MLCer,...my face gives away everything)

All these years later, seriously it was FORTY years ago, and his lies and manipulations still stab at me.  My friend at first said "a ride" but then mentioned "rides".... now this is not at all my friend's fault, honestly I'm not sure if she even knows about the affair(s).  What my friend didn't know is my father was always "Too busy" working (much like The Leaver) to spend time with the family.  He took me on his airplane ONCE.... but he had time to take his girlfriend and her daughter..... a little girl the same age as me HIS DAUGHTER (me) on this airplane??? 

When I first met my friend many years ago she would go on and on about what a "nice man" my father was, I didn't understand at first, now I know, he gave them time and money, time and money away from his real family so he could show off and get women.

What a fire trucking @sshole....

Then I noticed E's aunt look at me like she wanted to say something and stopped.....

Think about it.... how many guys hung around this particular diner giving people rides in his airplane to show off how rich he was?.... it's a very small diner, my father was there every day, E's aunt was there every day.  My father was a king MLCer,.... flashing his cars, boats, planes, always carried wads of $100 dollar bills to lure in any gold digging wh0re that would say yes.... and that's exactly what E's aunt was....

So yes, E and I have yet another connection.  Honestly, as weird as it is, we both laughed.  Seriously, how did we not meet until we did?  If I wasn't such a light skinned ginger and E a full blood Italian, we might have started to think about getting a DNA test....lol

BTW.... if any of you are still following along and still have doubts about the MLC and OW relationship,... and if she is better....

My friends mother was seriously butch.  I mean I often thought she was a man.  She was sweaty with a smokers voice and my friend was left on her own most of the time as her mother was of course "busy".

My mother was breathtaking,...but more importantly just a good person, always there for all her kids (5 of us) and her grandchildren and great-grandchildren  (those numbers keep increasing).

My father is now basically alone and my mother's social calendar is busier than mine.  Plus he lives in a trailer park and is still begging for work and I recently found out my mother has a hefty stash.

The LBS wins again.

H-52
me-50
ow-30
married 1986
BD April 6 2013 day after family went out for sons birthday.
I packed his bags two days later...vanisher

Offline Mae

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #72 on: December 16, 2017, 09:03:44 AM »
Love your stories Nah!
Me: 49
H: 40
S18, D15
Together for 19 years
BDay in 2004, 2011 and now March 5 2017
Ran away on 5 March BD
No OW
Returned home 'underdone' 1 July 2017.
Left again 22 October 2017.
H - Medicated & Zombie Like is NC

Offline moc

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #73 on: December 16, 2017, 06:57:58 PM »
What an awesome story Nah.  I love how the LBS wins in the end.  Thank you for sharing!
~ avoiding the Damn Foolish Idealistic Narcissistic Crusade ~ MLC

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Online nahTopic starter

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #74 on: December 20, 2017, 09:00:04 AM »
Ok.... who's in for some Leaver watching?....always a good time.  ;D

Quick recap...

At BD Leaver was in band #1. A great group of friends followed the band and I was quickly an outcast. After 2 years of drama, dozens of friends agreed The Leaver changed and the girl was considered a name that can't be repeated in this site.  The band kicked out the Leaver, and I now see this band a few times a month.

Band # 2, I didn't know anyone but they lasted about a year and they now also hate The Leaver.

Band # 3 were led by old friends that ( long story short) betrayed me to make room for The Leaver so he could easily join their "new" band. Two weeks ago this "friend" contacted me after 1 1/2 years to tell me I'm so super awesome ( even though the message above it from 18 mos ago said she didn't need or want a friend like me in her life)

I knew something was up. See this "friend" loves drama and craves to be the center of attention, much like The Leaver's girl... I knew in time it would explode.

Now there's a sister who is also in this "new" band and I'm still friends with her on Facebook as I like her so have no reason to block her,... she has done nothing wrong.

The sister just posted a notice for the bands next gig.... with their "old" name.

Their band has been around for over 20 years and they have always played at a club on NYday after the penguin plunge.  They changed the bands name when the Leaver replaced their singer by adding the word "new" but this gig they actually wrote "the OLD xxx"

I'm sitting and waiting but I have a strong feeling The Leaver just got kicked out of Band # 3.

In the meantime, I'll just sit back with my popcorn.
H-52
me-50
ow-30
married 1986
BD April 6 2013 day after family went out for sons birthday.
I packed his bags two days later...vanisher

Offline Tyks

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #75 on: December 20, 2017, 10:33:16 AM »
Another very enjoyable story from you while I sit here munching on my popcorn lol
Me 48
Him 48
22 years together - Married 20
BD1 - August 26, 2016 - ILYBINILWY
BD 2 - August 28, 2016 - OW discovered EA - Kicked him out - currently separated
D15 D18

April 2017 - Legal Separation Agreement
August 2017 - I filed for divorce

Offline Rebecca2817

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #76 on: December 20, 2017, 03:05:32 PM »
It brings a smile to my face when I see one of these morons suffering 

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #77 on: December 20, 2017, 04:45:22 PM »
Pass the popcorn, please.  How about a diet coke too?   ;)
After all, tomorrow is another day.

Offline Tyks

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #78 on: December 20, 2017, 06:33:25 PM »
Diet coke, really? We are beautiful single ladies and we should have alcoholic bevvies  ::)
Me 48
Him 48
22 years together - Married 20
BD1 - August 26, 2016 - ILYBINILWY
BD 2 - August 28, 2016 - OW discovered EA - Kicked him out - currently separated
D15 D18

April 2017 - Legal Separation Agreement
August 2017 - I filed for divorce

Online nahTopic starter

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #79 on: December 20, 2017, 07:05:50 PM »
I make the best watermelon margaritas
H-52
me-50
ow-30
married 1986
BD April 6 2013 day after family went out for sons birthday.
I packed his bags two days later...vanisher

Offline ChrissYAH

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #80 on: December 20, 2017, 07:09:54 PM »
I make the best watermelon margaritas

Just what I need lounging by my pool.  The pool my mum paid for and he chucked a tantrum because HE wanted my mum to give HIM the money so he can go galavanting overseas. :-[

Online nahTopic starter

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #81 on: December 21, 2017, 05:12:04 AM »
It's all about removing ourselves from the drama and time... lots and lots of time.

At the time, watching band #1 from a distance stabbed at my heart every single day.  I could see pictures and videos of what seemed like them all accepting him and ignoring me.  I knew, of course I knew that it would have been healthier to not look, to block the band page, but I just needed to keep looking.  So I did.

What I didn't know was not being plastered publicly.  That I found out later, much later.  Drama, people getting in The Leaver's and the girl's faces, yelling, screaming, even worse backs being turned and whispers as they walked by,.... this was all going on without me doing one thing.

Where was I?  I was buzzing around town in my new BMW, while The Leaver was getting fired from his high profile job.  I was working and getting promotions, repairing the house to sell, reconnecting with old friends and family, traveling to new places, new foods, new experiences.  All while The Leaver was hiding in his too expensive for his income house and racking up enemies.

Focusing on ourselves is really key no matter how the story ends.

Not that I'm perfect, I do like to peek over there.... I just don't say a word.  Can you imagine how difficult that is for me? ;D ;D

H-52
me-50
ow-30
married 1986
BD April 6 2013 day after family went out for sons birthday.
I packed his bags two days later...vanisher

Offline No expectations

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #82 on: December 21, 2017, 05:16:14 AM »
Nah,

I too, love your stories!  Yes, you are living proof that LBS means Living Better Spouse.  As long as we keep the focus squarely on ourselves.  And you also prove that a happy ending does not have to mean the MLC'er returns. 

As for Watermelon Margueritas, that sounds amazing!  You may have to share your recipe....or come down to Florida and make me some!  ;D
Married 10 1/2 years, together 17.  BD 9/2016, 2nd BD 10/16.  H moved out 10/16.  2 AS's from my first M.  Me 55, H 49.  OW 23.

"And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through; how you managed to survive.  You won't even be sure if the storm is really over.  But one thing is certain; when you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person that walked in...that's what this storm is all about."

"The trick is to enjoy life.  Don't wish away your days, waiting for better ones."

Offline ChrissYAH

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #83 on: December 21, 2017, 05:23:26 AM »

Online nahTopic starter

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #84 on: December 21, 2017, 05:23:40 AM »
....or come down to Florida and make me some!  ;D

I was just there to see The Patriots in Miami.  So close we could smell the GOAT!!!!

We only stayed a very short time so we could get back to E's nephew.

But.....  we will be back.

California and Hawaii first. 
H-52
me-50
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married 1986
BD April 6 2013 day after family went out for sons birthday.
I packed his bags two days later...vanisher

Offline No expectations

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #85 on: December 21, 2017, 05:25:57 AM »
I'm glad E's nephew is doing so much better, Nah.  That must be a huge relief.

Enjoy your Christmas, and keep us up to date on all your fabulous travel plans!
Married 10 1/2 years, together 17.  BD 9/2016, 2nd BD 10/16.  H moved out 10/16.  2 AS's from my first M.  Me 55, H 49.  OW 23.

"And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through; how you managed to survive.  You won't even be sure if the storm is really over.  But one thing is certain; when you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person that walked in...that's what this storm is all about."

"The trick is to enjoy life.  Don't wish away your days, waiting for better ones."

Online nahTopic starter

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #86 on: December 21, 2017, 05:28:38 AM »
https://blogs.psychcentral.com/narcissism/2017/10/letter-from-a-narcissists-true-self/

Describes them perfectly

That's for sure.

I'm glad E's nephew is doing so much better, Nah.  That must be a huge relief.

Enjoy your Christmas, and keep us up to date on all your fabulous travel plans!

You know I will.  :)
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BD April 6 2013 day after family went out for sons birthday.
I packed his bags two days later...vanisher

Online nahTopic starter

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #87 on: December 26, 2017, 04:30:49 PM »
Just wanted to journal about information I received yesterday from my niece.

I have twin nieces that are 3 yrs older than my daughter.  I have another niece that was 2 yrs older than my daughter.  Since they were little they spent most of their summers, weekends, holidays at my house when I was a stay-at-home mom or all four of them with my mother when I worked.  Needless to say, they were very close, more like sisters than cousins. 

When BD happened, my daughter and her twin cousins happened to work at the same restaurant. 

Last night my niece started to tell me what was happening with them when I was busy in my own puddle of tears at home.

My niece told me from day one my daughter was seething with anger.... at me.  :o

Even they were confused.  My niece said to me, "we couldn't figure out why she was so mad at you.  We thought that maybe there was more to the story."

There wasn't.  He cheated, he left, I was a mess. 

Why the Hell was she so mad at me?

So my niece said one night she asked her,  "Cousin, I know your mom like she is my own.  Why are you so angry with her?"

My niece said my daughter shot her a look, a weird look, a look of hatred.

My niece backed off, confused.  Since the other cousin was closer to my daughter, they decided she should talk to my daughter.

She tried to talk my daughter out of moving out of my house.  My daughter mentioned that I had started to talk about dating and my niece said, "Cousin, what if that was you?  How would you feel if your girlfriend (my daughter is gay) broke up with you and you were never allowed to date?"

My daughter stopped talking to the both of them.  Quit the job and that's it.

That was over three years ago.  They were best friends their entire lives. 

It's not just me that my daughter deleted.  What gives?  If she was 50 and did this to her spouse we would call it MLC.

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married 1986
BD April 6 2013 day after family went out for sons birthday.
I packed his bags two days later...vanisher

Offline Anjae

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #88 on: December 26, 2017, 04:48:55 PM »
What gives?

Your daughter didn't want to see her mother with any other man other than her dad. Why, I am not sure. Maybe because she thought (knew?) her dad was nuts and if he stopped being nuts and you were not dating her parents could be back together?

Your daugher can be having a quarter life crisis, nah. It is a life crisis and not that different from MLC. Friends and relatives will be cut off, the person in crisis will be angry, nasty even.

Or it could be something else. What, I have no idea.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Rebecca2817

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #89 on: December 26, 2017, 05:50:47 PM »
Sorry nah, this must really suck for you, she is clearly having her own issues in life. But at least you know she does care, she didn't just walk away from you.Maybe she is having her own issues with the divorce and you just happened to get the blame

Offline Mitzpah

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #90 on: December 27, 2017, 05:10:52 AM »


Why the Hell was she so mad at me?



Nah,

My kids also 'hated' me because  in their eyes, I had let my h. go - in their opinion (obviously helped by my h.), I was to blame for the break up.

My kids were not able to move out on their own because they were younger, they also could not move out to be with their father because he had no real space for them. However, it was their favorite threat to me - "when daddy gets a place to live, I am going to live with him, you will see!!!" All three of them did it, generally through tears :(

Nowadays, they are all comfortable at home (sometimes too comfortable ::)) and h. comes round to see them here, use the garage, eat homecooked food... :P Of course, generally while I am out.
M 56
H 56
S 25
S 24
D 22
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Online nahTopic starter

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #91 on: December 27, 2017, 07:01:05 AM »

My kids also 'hated' me because  in their eyes, I had let my h. go - in their opinion (obviously helped by my h.), I was to blame for the break up.


BD was in the afternoon.  The Leaver actually sang on stage with his band that night.  Imagine telling your wife of 28 years that it's over and then going on business as usual just hours later?

Anyways,... I got myself together the best that I could and drove to the club.  That's when he said, WE need space.

One of the band wives followed me out and basically started to give ME sh!t.  Why?

He had been plotting and planning for months.  He was filling their heads with things like I didn't want to hang out with them (at the same time he told me to stay away) and how WE were growing distant, how HE was "lonely" (left out he was actually juggling his wife, gf, and some sugar babies), and the kicker.... how I refused marriage counseling.

ummm... Why would marriage counseling come up?  I didn't know there was an issue.  He never said a word.

One of my first of many mistakes was gathering the kids and telling the both of them that their father left.  Too late now, but I wish I made him do the deed since it was his decision.  My daughters first reaction with her arms crossed was, "why don't YOU go to marriage counseling?" 

I didn't really respond.  I was in shock.  I just shook my head, "No".

So yes, he somehow, someway, probably convinced her that it was all my fault.

Still, she's not a small child.  Right now my daughter is 27.  She has a long life of anger, bitterness, and loneliness if she stays on the road she has chosen.
« Last Edit: December 27, 2017, 07:05:05 AM by nah »
H-52
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BD April 6 2013 day after family went out for sons birthday.
I packed his bags two days later...vanisher

Offline Rebecca2817

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #92 on: December 27, 2017, 07:18:04 AM »
I wonder if the leaver has been blaming you and she just believed what he said

Offline Thunder

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #93 on: December 27, 2017, 07:44:23 AM »
Nah, who knows the real reason she is so angry.  It doesn't matter because she's not trying to resolve what the issue is.

You're not to blame for it, like you said she's an adult now.  If she keeps choosing anger or hatred it will eventually eat her up.
I'm sorry.  I hope some day she comes back to realizing what a loving mother you are.
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Online nahTopic starter

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #94 on: December 27, 2017, 07:59:17 AM »
I know.... what hurts is it's not just about me.  It's not just that she's hurting herself.

When I was talking to my niece, we brought up my mother (their grandmother).

When I said to my niece that my daughter now visits her grandmother maybe once or twice a year (she lives about ten minutes away) my nieces jaw dropped, "omg...that's so mean, what does she have against Ma?"

Wish I knew.

My daughter had huge crocodile tears when The Leaver's father died.  They lived in Florida eight months out of the year and in the summer spent a lot of time in Maine. 

My mother lived with us.  The Leaver's mother was extremely jealous of the time my mother spent with my kids but she did nothing to change it.  She always had an excuse, especially when they were young because she just wasn't motherly.  The Leaver often recounted his childhood as looking in the windows and waiting for suppertime.  Other than that, the kids were not allowed in the house.  Having a clean house was more important than happy kids.

My mother was a very hands on grandmother and watched my daughter, son, and their cousins all the time.

So why is she getting punished too?

Also, The Leaver's mother was an expert manipulator and loved to heap on the guilt.

My mother waits until my daughter leaves before she lets the tears fall.

I have tried to talk to my daughter, my sister has tried, her cousins, all she does is shut everyone out.

That's what really makes me angry.
H-52
me-50
ow-30
married 1986
BD April 6 2013 day after family went out for sons birthday.
I packed his bags two days later...vanisher

Offline Thunder

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #95 on: December 27, 2017, 08:29:09 AM »
Sounds like the issue is her, not anyone else.

Something is troubling her inside.
I hope when she turns 50 she doesn't show up with a Ed Hardy t-shirt on.   ::)
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Online nahTopic starter

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #96 on: January 11, 2018, 08:49:13 AM »
So I'm in Hawaii waiting for the sun to come up and "E" to wake up.

Even though I'm on a sabbatical with no expiration date as of now, I'm still a morning person and "E" is still a night owl.  I actually like our routine, as it gives me alone time.  I like to write to the rhythm of his snores...  ;D ;D

Our week in California with son and his gf gave us a lot of bonding time.

few snippets....

We drove up the PCH.  E has done this many times, I have a few, son and gf, never.  They LOVED it.  At one point we stopped and saw a very large group of elephant seals sunbathing.  Son was in his glory as he has been a nature nut before he could even speak.  He really has a special way with animals and nature.

As a bonus, I couldn't help snicker to myself that my son put The Leaver in charge of the cats (they were the family cats when The Leaver left so it must be odd to see them almost 5 years later).  Son also asked for daily "proof of life" photos of the cats...haha, and The Leaver provided pictures every day.  In return, son would send photos of what we were doing.

So The Leaver had to shovel two driveways after the blizzard back home (5 degrees, yuck), take care of his animals then drive in the muck to take care of son's animals, clean cat poop, etc, and then look at daily pictures of us having fun.

Funny, how I was the one that was crying when he left.  ;D ;D 

In addition, This was the first time I spent significant time with son's gf.  She is older then son, and also happens to be around the same age of The Leaver's new wife.  Not at all awkward for The Leaver, I'm sure.  ::)

Anyways, son's girlfriend's father after 27 years, cheated and left her mother.  Just another average MLCer, story so familiar.  Yes, she talks to her father, but has zero respect for him.  I could hear her anger as she described how he cowardly told her he married the other woman AFTER they married.  I just listened as she used the word "home wrecker" to describe her father's new wife.

It just proves the smoke and mirrors I always talk about,...son and his girlfriend went to The Leaver's wedding months ago.  Yes, they smiled pretty for the camera, yes they were polite to friends and family.  What do you think their eyes were saying?  What do you think they were saying when they were alone?  Do you actually they were the only ones there that were smiling while seething inside?  Just more of the same. 

So I left son and gf in California on their own for two days, while E and I flew to Hawaii.

Wow, it's gorgeous I might never come back.
H-52
me-50
ow-30
married 1986
BD April 6 2013 day after family went out for sons birthday.
I packed his bags two days later...vanisher

Offline Thunder

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #97 on: January 11, 2018, 09:02:00 AM »
Hawaii?  Wow, sounds wonderful.

I was going to ask you how bad your weather got and here you're basking in the sun miles away.  lol

We just got severe bone chilling temps here.

Well...enjoy!   Wish I was there.  ;D
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Online nahTopic starter

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #98 on: January 11, 2018, 09:13:35 AM »
If the weather is so bad it makes your face hurt... that's when you know it's time to leave.  :D

The day we left, all flights were cancelled due to a blizzard and disgusting temperatures.

Of course, nothing will stop Nah and E, so we contacted the kids and told them they had 2 hours instead of until the morning to be ready, rented a van around midnight, and drove through the blizzard to the nearest airport that had no cancellations, six hours away.

My son's girlfriend said she was so nervous that we would have to cancel the vacation.  My son said, "No, I knew my mom would figure out a way out, it's how she rolls."   

So, we went a few days without sleep, it was like Bomb Drop, just way more fun.  ;D

First bonus of vacation was we had to contact The Leaver to make sure he shoveled son's driveway after the storm.  lol.

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me-50
ow-30
married 1986
BD April 6 2013 day after family went out for sons birthday.
I packed his bags two days later...vanisher

Offline Thunder

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #99 on: January 11, 2018, 09:19:40 AM »
 ;D  He must have loved that!  ha ha ha...

You're pretty courageous to get on a plane in that weather.  You must have been desperate to get out while the gettin' was good.   :)
Smile pretty in the pictures. 8)
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #100 on: January 11, 2018, 09:55:07 AM »
Hawaii has been on my bucket list forever. 

Have a great time!! Tell Hawaii I am coming.   
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
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Offline Never say never

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #101 on: January 11, 2018, 10:17:17 AM »
I am so jealous of you right now 8) 8)

It's about 50 degrees out today, dropping back to the 20s tomorrow ::) ::)

I am LMAO imagining The Leaver shoveling not only snow but cat poop up!!!  Hahaha ...

Offline heroIam

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #102 on: January 11, 2018, 12:19:22 PM »
Aloha, Nah.......
Enjoy!  Hope to see you in Cali soon.
“In the end, you’ve got to be your own hero because everyone’s busy trying to save themselves.”

Offline Anjae

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #103 on: January 11, 2018, 03:15:41 PM »
Have fun in Hawaii, Nah.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Rebecca2817

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #104 on: January 11, 2018, 04:35:41 PM »
Have fun.  I am also jealous.

Offline Shocked

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #105 on: January 12, 2018, 08:58:01 PM »
Have a terrific trip Nah!!! Well deserved!!!!
I care🤗
H 51
W 58
M 22 Years
2 AD both married from my first M
BD 12/15 moved out-in replay, vanisher, MOW in Atlanta
D 2/17

Online OffRoad

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #106 on: January 12, 2018, 09:19:47 PM »
We drove up the PCH.  E has done this many times, I have a few, son and gf, never.  They LOVED it.  At one point we stopped and saw a very large group of elephant seals sunbathing.  Son was in his glory as he has been a nature nut before he could even speak.  He really has a special way with animals and nature.
Your son and mine seem so alike. On the way home from Oregon the first time, we took a side trip because S wanted to see the elephants seals. Did you get to see the herd of zebras and cows just south and on the east side of the road?  That threw us for a loop, as I'd never seen a mixed herd like that before. S loved those seals.

Are you on Hawaii proper? We were there a few years back and got to see the eruptions and lava flows, as well as kayak with dolphins, walk through lava tubes, stay in a treehouse[   url]https://hawaiivolcanotreehouse.wordpress.com[/url], and swim with fish (of course). If you get a chance to island hop, Maui is my favorite for hiking and waterfalls. I hope you get to see all the Islands! I'd love to hear what your favorite adventures are. I need to plan some new ones.

Sounds like a wonderful trip.

When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Online nahTopic starter

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #107 on: January 12, 2018, 09:29:46 PM »
We saw plenty of cows but no zebras... we did go to the San Diego zoo.

Right now we are on Oahu. Our cruise leaves tomorrow and Maui is our first stop.

We just got back from the sunset ( E is a sucker for sunsets).... we like to swim in the ocean while the sun is going down. 80 degrees and sunny!!! The weather has been awesome.
H-52
me-50
ow-30
married 1986
BD April 6 2013 day after family went out for sons birthday.
I packed his bags two days later...vanisher

Offline Kitty

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #108 on: January 13, 2018, 07:10:13 AM »
Sounds like you are having a blast nah. I'm so happy for you! I hope that one day I can be that happy again.
Me 37; H 41
Together 20 years; married 11.5
No kids, no pets
MLC started 2015(??)
1st. BD 12/3/17 - H wants separation
12/21/17 - Separation agreement signed
2nd. BD 12/22/17 - I find out about affair after H told me there was no OW
12/22/17 - I moved out

"Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It's the only way for you to become what you are meant to be." Kylo Ren - Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #109 on: January 17, 2018, 04:27:43 PM »
Oh I have always wanted to go on a Hawaiian cruise! Have a blast Nah.....not that I need to tell you that!
Me 46
H 45
S11
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo.

Online nahTopic starter

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #110 on: January 17, 2018, 07:24:52 PM »
Missile scare earlier this week was a bummer... but then we had breakfast and went on with our day.  :P

Every single day has been perfect. The weather forecast keeps saying rain and then nope, sunny, 80’s, just perfect. I’ve had my share of black clouds, it’s time for only sunny days now.  :D

Right now, we just got back from a day of snorkeling, saw several sea turtles, amazing fish, reptiles, etc. and we are waiting for the sunset.  I wish I could post pictures on here, the scenery is incredible.

I’m no different than any of you except for timeline....
I am loving life right now.

Every day is a gift.
H-52
me-50
ow-30
married 1986
BD April 6 2013 day after family went out for sons birthday.
I packed his bags two days later...vanisher

Offline Mae

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #111 on: January 17, 2018, 09:40:50 PM »
Fabulous Nah.
Me: 49
H: 40
S18, D15
Together for 19 years
BDay in 2004, 2011 and now March 5 2017
Ran away on 5 March BD
No OW
Returned home 'underdone' 1 July 2017.
Left again 22 October 2017.
H - Medicated & Zombie Like is NC

Online Treasur

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #112 on: January 17, 2018, 10:55:40 PM »
Missile scare earlier this week was a bummer... but then we had breakfast and went on with our day.  :P

Chuckled at this, nah...partly because it seems like such a YOU comment, partly because I wonder if an LBS gift is that after the insanity of MLC, other stuff like car problems or missiles...meh  ;D
BD - Oct 15, mostly silent vanishing husband, diagnosed with severe depression in Dec 15 & seeing psychiatrist/on ADs since then
OW since Apr 16, maybe earlier?
H filed Jan 17.
80/20 strategy for me in 2018

"her soul is fierce, her heart is brave, her mind is strong." R.H Sin
Grace is...Elegance, good will, unearned blessings, a prayer of thanks and how to address a duchess.
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Online OffRoad

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #113 on: January 17, 2018, 10:58:31 PM »
Missile scare earlier this week was a bummer... but then we had breakfast and went on with our day.  :P

Chuckled at this, nah...partly because it seems like such a YOU comment, partly because I wonder if an LBS gift is that after the insanity of MLC, other stuff like car problems or missiles...meh  ;D
IMO, I'd  say yeah, missiles, meh. In truth, I do really notice that things that used to make me crazy...whatever.

When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Online nahTopic starter

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #114 on: January 20, 2018, 09:59:16 AM »
Ok kids.... I just have to interrupt my travel adventures to bring to you some more crazy MLC band drama....

Yes the band drama is back.  ;D ;D

I'll try to keep this as simple as possible even though there are literally dozens, if not, hundreds of people involved.

Here's the key players....

Band #1.  This was the band The Leaver was in on bomb drop.  "P-Dog" is the bass player and I have known him since 1983, one year before I met The Leaver.  There was also a guitarist that I dated before I met The Leaver, who ended up being best friends with The Leaver when The Leaver joined their band and met me in 1984.  The guitarist was in our wedding and committed suicide about 8 years ago, I believe this was a factor of The Leaver's MLC.

Band #2.  Country band that The Leaver joined when he was kicked out of Band #1 due to his MLC anger.  Good plan b/c I didn't know anybody in this band BUT, when the gossip is good, it follows you.  This band lasted about a year and they all now hate each other.

Band #3.  The Leaver's best friend from grade school.  This friend (and his $h!te-stirring wife) were very good to me after BD as The Leaver wouldn't even answer his calls.  When The Leaver decided to join this band, the friend and wife betrayed me, and told me that they didn't want a friend like me anymore (long story- excuse was I wasn't there for her when her boss's ex died, it was the same week my nephew unexpectedly died  :P )  A few months ago they sent me a message about how they miss me and how I'm so super awesome,... I didn't respond.

Lost yet?....

While traveling in California last week with son, we were talking about music and son said that his dad was joining a band with the guitarist in Band #1.

Here's where is gets good (and even more confusing)

As many know I live in Rhode Island, which most know is the smallest state.  What is quirky about this state is you will always have a connection with somebody.  The state is crowded and NOBODY ever moves.  My mother had 8 siblings and only one moved out of state, the rest had five kids or more, and never moved, we just keep multiplying. 

The girl is from another state, it must drive her crazy that no matter where they go, somebody will ALWAYS know me, somehow.

So why I explained that,,,... the guitarist is also from another state BUT his wife grew up in my neighborhood.  She was best friends with my sister.  When I was excluded from Band #1, his bil died, of course I sent him a message, he was my brother's best friend growing up and volunteered at my kid's school,... it gets better.  His niece by marriage just had a baby, my nephew is the father.... see what I mean?... lol  This is all normal in Rhode Island.

So back to the MLC drama.

When my son mentioned that his dad was joining a band with the Guitarist from band #1, "E" and I laughed our @sses off, "What?!?.... (K) HATES, I mean seriously HATES with a passion The Leaver", when The Leaver was kicked out of Band #1, K was the big pusher of getting The Leaver out (The Leaver does not know this, he thinks they just needed a "break").  When I came to see what I called, "The Leaver's band w/o The Leaver" it was (K) that spewed serious venom about how much he hated The Leaver, hated how he treated me, hated how arrogant he was, hated every single thing about him.  I would smile and nod and try to turn the conversation b/c I didn't want my night filled with "The Leaver this, and The Leaver that" but (K) would keep on going about how much he hated him.  On a side note, this guy was the one witness to The Leaver being especially mean to me one night about a week before BD.  This guy hugged me and said, he couldn't believe how any man would treat such a great person like me that way.

So I thought son was wrong....

Nope, son was right.  I checked Facebook (it's been a while), band #3 hasn't played with The Leaver since October, in fact they did a gig NYE w/o the Leaver AND.... (K)'s page has posted pictures of only him and The Leaver from when they were in Band #1, he cropped out the rest of the band.  It's so weird.

So looks like (as I predicted about 18 months ago) that Band #3 is done, and stay tuned for Band #4.

Whew..... can't imagine that any of you followed this crazy drama as I'm just as confused and I know these people...lol
H-52
me-50
ow-30
married 1986
BD April 6 2013 day after family went out for sons birthday.
I packed his bags two days later...vanisher

Online OffRoad

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #115 on: January 20, 2018, 01:42:47 PM »
Moving  is sounding better and better, I would think. Leave the drama, start new somewhere else. Buy a Tiki bar, put together your own band...

When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Online nahTopic starter

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #116 on: January 20, 2018, 02:29:57 PM »
I would love to OffRoad... we’re trying.

It’s just RI has some kind of twilight zone/gravitational pull that keeps sucking it’s natives back to the state.

E’s nephew is still in the hospital and will be for awhile and now his father fell at the rehabilitation center he was at bc his blood sugar was so low.  Seems their “policy” is to only check a diabetics blood sugar once a week even though at home he checked it daily.  :o.   So understandably, E’s brother and sil are overwhelmed. We would be on our way back now but E received a potential opportunity here that is too good to ignore. Right now, we are taking it day by day.

We were going to do a second week on a cruise but decided to stay on the island so we can jump on a plane at a moments notice.
H-52
me-50
ow-30
married 1986
BD April 6 2013 day after family went out for sons birthday.
I packed his bags two days later...vanisher

Offline MyBrainIsBroken

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #117 on: January 20, 2018, 10:15:43 PM »
Hard to believe they would only check blood sugar once a week. That's pretty crazy. Uncontrolled or improperly controlled diabetes is dangerous. We see a fair number of diabetic emergencies.

Online nahTopic starter

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #118 on: January 21, 2018, 01:30:54 AM »
Yes, something is just not right.

E had the nurse on speaker phone. He was asking her why his father fell. First she said bc his sugar was low, so E asked about the last reading. She said, “let me look up yesterday’s”. When she couldn’t find a reading before last weeks she backtracked and said it was “policy” to only check levels once a week.

Again, something is very fishy.
H-52
me-50
ow-30
married 1986
BD April 6 2013 day after family went out for sons birthday.
I packed his bags two days later...vanisher

Offline Thunder

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #119 on: January 21, 2018, 01:40:44 AM »
Wow nah, once a week is insane.

My dad had to check his every day because their bs levels can change very quickly
Maybe he can start writing down his bs count every day, when he takes it, so these morons have a daily record. 
Unreal.
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Online nahTopic starter

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #120 on: January 21, 2018, 01:47:55 AM »
That’s what he did at home but he went to this rehab/nursing home after he fell a few weeks ago. He has fallen there at least once, and now this.  They sent him to the hospital after his blood sugar was so low. Needless to say he will not be going back to this facility.
H-52
me-50
ow-30
married 1986
BD April 6 2013 day after family went out for sons birthday.
I packed his bags two days later...vanisher

Offline Thunder

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Re: How Far is Rock Bottom?
« Reply #121 on: January 21, 2018, 02:38:28 AM »
Well, I should hope not!

With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.


 

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