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Author Topic: My Story Thread 24 - The More things change, the more they stay the same  (Read 1067 times)

Offline UrsaMajorTopic starter

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My Story Thread 24 - The More things change, the more they stay the same
« on: December 27, 2017, 03:31:06 AM »
I might have even used this as a Subject line before but somehow, it seems appropriate for this time around...

Previous Thread: http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9565

Maybe it is just me, maybe there is really something to it but it feels to me like a LOT of us who are going through Christmas #2 after... whatever.. D... BD... whatever... are just not able to get with the program this year.... It has gotten me to be wondering why that might be...

So, a not-so-brief recap.... In Germany, Christmas is a big deal.... The "main even" is really Christmas Eve or "Holy Night." That is when presents are exchanged, people actually GO to church, the big meals are celebrated, families come together.... December 25th is usually a "family" day that is relaxed at home, families play games and watch TV adn simply be together, maybe another big meal and if one spent the 24th with In-Laws <x>  then maybe the 25th with In-Laws <y> or other relatives... the 26th (Boxing Day) is usually visiting friends others... Now, depending on how Christmas falls, this means that the stores are all closed for anywhere between 2-3 days so there is a fair amount of planning and preparation that goes into the entire Christmas "event." This year, since the 24th was a Sunday, it was one of the 3 day closed years (the 25th and 26th are both national holidays whereas Sundays are always shops closed.)

So, on the 23rd S stayed with me and D with Mid-Lifer. We picked them up and went to the 11:00 Mass (since it was Sunday, the Children's Service took the place of the normal 11:00 Mass - Our Parish just is not big enough to have 3 separate services on one day). Both kids were asked if they wanted to take part in the play and both did. It was really cute and they enjoyed it. I took Mid-Lifer and the kids back to her place so I could go home and prepare the dinner, get the presents under the tree and all that.

Cue WTF Moment #1 - on the way back to Mid-Lifers apartment when she commented that the music was especially nice this year... I agreed with her while thinking it was pretty much the same as last year, right down to the timing of what song went where in the Pageant. And last year, she thought it was "Kitschy."

They all show up at 17:00 as I am finishing the dinner preparations .....

Cue WTF Moment #2 - The FRONT door rings... Normally Mid-Lifer just traipses through my backyard because it is close to the parking space and knock on my porch door....

and, of course, the kids go directly to the tree....  They get called back and told that they do have to  wait a bit which they did... Meanwhile, I am busy getting them something to drink and I asked Mid-Lifer what she wants....

Cue WTF Moment #3 - She says that she'll drink a glass of wine.... She has almost always hemmed and hawed and said that she didn't want alcohol, blah blah blah and then finally "acquiesced" into having a small glass of wine with dinner.... but otherwise it was water or maybe a tea....

Presents are then distributed and the kids get theirs opened in no time flat....

Cue WTF Moment #4 - Mid-Lifer hands me her phone and asks me to take a picture of her and D with D's present. While I was taking the picture, a Text came in from TF2 saying "Nonsense, you are not ..." (that was all that showed on the preview and I didn't read the rest) but it almost sounded as if Mid-Lifer was having a pity party and having regrets ....

I gave Mid-Lifer a present as well which is something I knew she liked but was not simply a gift card or something and she was flabbergasted.... She gave me a gift certificate to a local electronics store and a couple of chocolate things....

Cue WTF Moment #5 - She looks over and looks right at me, smiles and says "Thank you. You really do know what I like." I just replied "You're welcome. Yes, I did." and left it at that...

So, dinner is over, the kids are playing and I am cleaning up (BTW - NOT a WTF moment - Mid-Lifer forgot the dessert she was going to bring - good thing I had some things!) and Mid-Lifer said "You don't need to do that all now. You are not the kitchen slave." (I had used that term previously when she had invited people for dinner or whatever and did NOTHING to help with the preparation or the clean-up) ... Uhmmmmm ????? What am I supposed to be doing? I just said that since I was the only one living there, if I didn't do it, it was not going to happen, that I had invited them and I was almost done anyway by that time. I asked if she wanted something else to drink or if I should make a pot of tea (and named the ones I had - fruit teas of various types without caffeine). She asked if she had really seen a bottle of Bailyes in my fridge

Cue WTF Moment #6 - she asked to have some of the Bailey's... This coming from my Mid-Lifer that often gave me a ration of rubbish if I had 2 beers with dinner ....  ::) :o  By this time, we had already knocked back a bottle of Toscana Merlot and had popped the cork on #2.....

I then packed up the leftovers and put them in a bag so she could take them on the 26th to MIL's house (MIL is not doing to well at the moment and the dinner I made was from her recipe's). Meanwhile, Mid-Lifer is VERY busy on her phone - presumably with TF2.... I didn't bother to ask as I would not have gotten an honest answer anyway.... Mid-Lifer said it was TF2 anyway... And then TF1 had to send a picture of wherever she is int eh Canary Islands

Anyway, S decided he wanted to stay with me and D was going back with mom....  After I said good night to D, Mid-Lifer to S Mid-Lifer came to me (yes, SHE came to ME and

Cue MASSIVE WTF Moment #7 - She gave me a big hug and not just the A-frame pat on the back hug... And thanked me for making it such a nice evening....  ??? :o ??? :o

Who IS this person anyway?

<sarcasm on>
I mean, I have a very dim memory of someone like that.. Maybe 5? 6 years ago? but I can not remember for the life of me WHO that person was <sarcasm off>

The next morning when I dropped off S on my way to church again (I was serving on Christmas Day) everything was back to pretty much normal and we made plans for the dinner that evening as well... D had gotten a tablet that I had gotten set up the night before so I gave that to her. About 8 minutes later, I hear her whining and S comes out with it in his hands thrusts it at me and says "You set a log in password and she doesn't know it" I sniped back and asked why HE had it in HIS hands and why D was complaining about it... Mid-Lifer said that "he was just trying to help D." So I asked him to see what he was talking about... As it turned out, it was asking for a password for Mid-Lifers WLAN....  ::)  I told him he'd have to configure that too for his laptop.....

This time, the rabbit had disappeared back into the tunnel, she arrived an hour late with the kids for dinner, and all was back to the way it was... although she did have a glass of wine again with dinner... Dinner was nice, I got things cleaned up while she was sitting on the sofa on her phone and the kids were in S's room.... They left a bit earlier that evening because they were leaving for MIL's on the 26th.... I had, by that time, configured S's laptop and they took that with them too... On the way back to her place, the phone rings and S can not log into the PC... I told him what the password was and then I sent it to him via WhatsApp... Nothing worked so I got him into the default account that came with the PC. I was glad I hadn't deleted that account yet... About 20 minutes later, I get ANOTHER phone call that S is not able to log into the MineCraft game so I talked him through that.... I can tell he was with his mom because  as soon as something didn't work, he'd say it didn't work and that I had given him the wrong information (TYPICAL MLC saying) and I was NOT very kind in my response that I knew it worked as I had logged into the server with those credentials twice at my house and that he needed to calm down and enter the information like I told him rather than just expecting he KNEW what I as going to tell him and doing stuff.... As it turned out, he left his account logged in on MY laptop at my house so he couldn't log in on his....

But I kept thinking that I was hearing MLC-ness out of him.... And thinking I knew where that was coming from....

So, while I might have had a brief sighting of W, it was VERY short lived and temporary.....

And just to add to the weekend, I went to a small get-together of people form the church last night and on my way home got whacked by a speed camera... 43 in a 30 is my guess..... Merry BAH FIRETRUCKING HUMBUG CHRISTMAS.... so I'll get a fine of about $30 (25 Euros) but at least that evening was worth it and quite pleasant with good friends and good food (I made Chicken Enchiladas and Jalapeño/Cheese Corn Bread)

I hope that you all had a wonderful Christmastide ...

I'll start reading about it now in your other threads.... and lock my old one....
« Last Edit: December 27, 2017, 03:33:26 AM by UrsaMajor »
Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 10
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
No legal action to date

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online Thunder

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Re: Thread 24 - The More things change, the more they stay the same
« Reply #1 on: December 27, 2017, 04:17:07 AM »
Welcome to your new thread, Bear.   ;D

Well, so a real W siting on Christmas Eve, huh?  I'm glad you had a good night with your family all together.
I'm sure it's something she will tuck away for later.

Now onto a great New Year!  I hope it's a happy one for you and your kids, UM.   :)
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline UrsaMajorTopic starter

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Re: Thread 24 - The More things change, the more they stay the same
« Reply #2 on: December 27, 2017, 04:39:04 AM »
Welcome to your new thread, Bear.   ;D

Well, so a real W siting on Christmas Eve, huh?  I'm glad you had a good night with your family all together.
I'm sure it's something she will tuck away for later.

Now onto a great New Year!  I hope it's a happy one for you and your kids, UM.   :)

Real W? Who knows... I sure don't.... As OP is so fond of saying "Consistent actions are what count."

If she DOES tuck the evening away for later, I guess it all depends on what she decides to DO with it if and when she pulls it out... Toss it aside because of the load of guilt? Consider it?

Who knows... And with the TF Enabler/Accomplice Cheering section helping, I'm not convinced it will really matter... Until the other voices STOP yelling, she certainly will NOT be paying attention to the small one inside...

As a side note, again, when we went to the Mass, all of my "crew" were very nice, polite, and friendly to her.... just like every year.... so somewhere inside that whirling mess of Mid-Liferdom, there must be a part that recognizes that I have NOT demonized her to others like MIL did with FIL(RIP)..... So that doesn't fit the picture quite right.

And, while I am writing, I had another one of those "angry" dreams that involved a great deal shouting and W taking D away... S was nowhere to be seen. Mid-Lifer had made one of her "We" statements and I let her have it in no uncertain terms that it was ALL her choices and HER decisions from the beginning so she was just going to have to face that fact and be responsible for her choices and actions... Strangely enough, Dream Mid-Lifer did NOT take kindly to that...  :o ::) I guess that means that there is still something boiling around under the surface of my conscious mind....

I could really use a Happy Year that is MLC-free..... In ANY shape of form.... I have REALLY had enough... Maybe I should become a Monk.... or a hermit... <snort>
Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 10
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
No legal action to date

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online Treasur

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Re: Thread 24 - The More things change, the more they stay the same
« Reply #3 on: December 27, 2017, 04:44:48 AM »

I could really use a Happy Year that is MLC-free..... In ANY shape of form.... I have REALLY had enough...

From your mouth to God's ears for both of us, UM  :)
BD - Oct 15, mostly silent vanishing husband, diagnosed with severe depression in Dec 15 & seeing psychiatrist/on ADs since then
OW since Apr 16, maybe earlier?
H filed Jan 17.
80/20 strategy for me in 2018

"her soul is fierce, her heart is brave, her mind is strong." R.H Sin
Grace is...Elegance, good will, unearned blessings, a prayer of thanks and how to address a duchess.
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline 1phoenix

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Re: Thread 24 - The More things change, the more they stay the same
« Reply #4 on: December 27, 2017, 06:06:23 AM »
Hmmm, a bear who wants to hibernate in the winter?  Never heard of such a thing!

Maybe you need a break for just you to recharge?  Can you sneak in a day or two off of work when your W has kids?

Sorry, but there are no magic wants to turn a bear into a crab or fish😎(yes, really proud of myself for that one)

It is the time of year for everyone, with a conscience, to reflect.  How can you not have somethings unresolved with your W?

Froelich Weinnachten
I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear — Nelson Mandela

I never lose.  I either win or learn! - Nelson Mandela

For we have fallen from our shelves, To face the truth about ourselves.  "The Gift", Annie Lennox

"You must do the thing you think you cannot do."  Eleanor Roosevelt

Grace makes beauty out of ugly things.  U2 "Grace"

We have all been dealt a hand of cards in this game of life.   Are you going to play or fold?

"Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose." Yoda

Offline UrsaMajorTopic starter

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Re: Thread 24 - The More things change, the more they stay the same
« Reply #5 on: December 27, 2017, 06:25:15 AM »
Hmmm, a bear who wants to hibernate in the winter?  Never heard of such a thing!

Maybe you need a break for just you to recharge?  Can you sneak in a day or two off of work when your W has kids?

I wish.... When they come back, I have the kids for their 2 weeks of winter holiday while she works.... I at least am only working 6 hour days and covering the core time this week.... And my dinner plans have been moved to tomorrow or Friday so I will go home this evening and probably make an early night out of it...

Sorry, but there are no magic wands to turn a bear into a crab or fish(yes, really proud of myself for that one)

<snort!>  Inside joke, very good! 2 points to the lady in the pointy hat....

It is the time of year for everyone, with a conscience, to reflect.  How can you not have some things unresolved with your W?

Froelich Weinnachten

Hmmmmm ...



How could I not have some things unresolved with W......

I dunno... Maybe because she's a Mid-Lifer and .... OH LOOK! Green Dancing Llamas! ..... has the attention span of a turnip?  Reflection isn't listed as one of Mid-Lifers Strengths on the VIA Profile... PROJection maybe but not REFLection
Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 10
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
No legal action to date

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Mitzpah

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Re: Thread 24 - The More things change, the more they stay the same
« Reply #6 on: December 27, 2017, 06:26:04 AM »
UM,

That was a nice Christmas, although I am astounded at the amount of food you cooked and delivered over the three days :o

Glad that you had a W sighting :) I think I did too, a little skeptical, though :P

Oh, to be completely free of this MLC nonsense - that would be something!!
M 56
H 56
S 25
S 24
D 22
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Online Treasur

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Re: Thread 24 - The More things change, the more they stay the same
« Reply #7 on: December 27, 2017, 06:33:25 AM »
Attention span of a turnip made me laugh out loud, UM  ;D

No doubt about it, you're my favourite bear du jour!
BD - Oct 15, mostly silent vanishing husband, diagnosed with severe depression in Dec 15 & seeing psychiatrist/on ADs since then
OW since Apr 16, maybe earlier?
H filed Jan 17.
80/20 strategy for me in 2018

"her soul is fierce, her heart is brave, her mind is strong." R.H Sin
Grace is...Elegance, good will, unearned blessings, a prayer of thanks and how to address a duchess.
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Never say never

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Re: Thread 24 - The More things change, the more they stay the same
« Reply #8 on: December 27, 2017, 06:35:02 AM »
UM, well, whoever it was that showed up for that one day, I am glad it was pleasant.  Whoever it was probably surprised herself by drinking wine and Bailey's. 

You just keep on being that fuzzy warm bear that you always are.  Good things are/will continue to happen for you.

Here's hoping for a MLC-free Happy New Year ...

Online Thunder

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Re: Thread 24 - The More things change, the more they stay the same
« Reply #9 on: December 27, 2017, 06:47:35 AM »
Oh yeah, and what was the wine and Bailey's all about??

Maybe she has a twin who drinks.   ;D  A nice twin.
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline UrsaMajorTopic starter

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Re: Thread 24 - The More things change, the more they stay the same
« Reply #10 on: December 27, 2017, 07:07:33 AM »
UM,

That was a nice Christmas, although I am astounded at the amount of food you cooked and delivered over the three days :o

Glad that you had a W sighting :) I think I did too, a little skeptical, though :P

Hi Mitz,

You're telling me!

24th Rabbit Stroganoff/Bread Dumplings/Red Cabbage with Apples/Green Bean Cassarole
25th - Raclette - various meats, boiled potatoes, some vegetables, with cheese melted over the top... It is originally Swiss I believe or French but really good
26th - 2 pans of Chicken Enchiladas and 1 of Jalepeño Cornbread....
And on the fourth day, the bear rested and ate left overs! :D

I'm still not sure if that was a drive-by sighting or not... Only time will tell....

UM, well, whoever it was that showed up for that one day, I am glad it was pleasant.  Whoever it was probably surprised herself by drinking wine and Bailey's. 

Never, she actually had a glass of wine the 2nd day too....  :o  OK, half wine and half water but still....

Oh yeah, and what was the wine and Bailey's all about??

Maybe she has a twin who drinks.   ;D  A nice twin.

<SNORT!>  Yeah, the NON-MLC twin and not the Bug in the Edgar Suit...

When we first met, we went out almost every night as a team to dinner since we were all from somewhere else... One night, at a Thai restaurant, she had a glass of red wine too... During the course of the evening, we all got into a discussion about something and there was a great deal of animated conversation which resulted in her sending the wine glass, half-full ALL over the table, breaking the glass and spilling red wine all over the white linen tablecloth.... That became henceforth known as "The night of the Red Wine Incident." Last night, the glass remaned whole and the wine inside....
Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 10
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
No legal action to date

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: Thread 24 - The More things change, the more they stay the same
« Reply #11 on: December 27, 2017, 08:36:06 AM »


24th Rabbit Stroganoff/Bread Dumplings/Red Cabbage with Apples/Green Bean Cassarole
25th - Raclette - various meats, boiled potatoes, some vegetables, with cheese melted over the top... It is originally Swiss I believe or French but really good
26th - 2 pans of Chicken Enchiladas and 1 of Jalepeño Cornbread....
And on the fourth day, the bear rested and ate left overs! :D


Wow - you are a Bobby Flay in the making! 

I had to look up the Raclette dish.  It sounded good until I got to the part about putting a cup of cornichon pickles in it!   ???   Haven't seen any of those around these parts! 

I am another one of those celebrating the second Christmas and with much less enthusiasm than the first.  Maybe we can make a comeback in 2018.  But whatever ambivalence we had about it, I'm guessing most of us "cowboyed up" and did the best we could.  Yours sounds like it was nice, UM. 

Enjoy a couple days of quiet and rest. 
After all, tomorrow is another day.

Offline Watcher

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Re: Thread 24 - The More things change, the more they stay the same
« Reply #12 on: December 27, 2017, 08:41:59 AM »
Hi UrsaMajor,

Christmas #1 we celebrated at home as a family. She invited me over at 4am. Christmas #2 W left the boys alone and went to NY with MIL. Christmas #3 I am now home. We celebrated very briefly with the boys and then she took the boys to spend the day in NY.

So this year was blended. We had our traditional family morning then she had her mlc traditional outing which included the boy's and a plus in my book btw.

I haven't been a fan of either 3. I just did what I had to do.
« Last Edit: December 27, 2017, 08:53:51 AM by Watcher »

Online Treasur

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Re: Thread 24 - The More things change, the more they stay the same
« Reply #13 on: December 27, 2017, 09:45:27 AM »
Raclette is lovely, real comfort food...let's all go to UM's house next Christmas!
BD - Oct 15, mostly silent vanishing husband, diagnosed with severe depression in Dec 15 & seeing psychiatrist/on ADs since then
OW since Apr 16, maybe earlier?
H filed Jan 17.
80/20 strategy for me in 2018

"her soul is fierce, her heart is brave, her mind is strong." R.H Sin
Grace is...Elegance, good will, unearned blessings, a prayer of thanks and how to address a duchess.
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Online Thunder

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Re: Thread 24 - The More things change, the more they stay the same
« Reply #14 on: December 27, 2017, 10:45:14 AM »
I'm in.  I'll start saving up for the plane fare.   ;D
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline Silver

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Re: Thread 24 - The More things change, the more they stay the same
« Reply #15 on: December 27, 2017, 10:47:23 AM »
Attaching Papa Bear
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline UrsaMajorTopic starter

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Re: Thread 24 - The More things change, the more they stay the same
« Reply #16 on: December 27, 2017, 02:03:50 PM »
Raclette is lovely, real comfort food...let's all go to UM's house next Christmas!
I'm in.  I'll start saving up for the plane fare.   ;D

Game ON! Just make sure you're early enough that a few of the Christmas Markets are still open (the majority close on the 22nd or 23rd) so you can sample the hot mulled wine too!
Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 10
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
No legal action to date

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline karmirtsaghik

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Re: Thread 24 - The More things change, the more they stay the same
« Reply #17 on: December 27, 2017, 03:28:44 PM »
Merry Christmas Ursa,

This is my 3-rd Christmas post BD and by far the best of the three. My MLCH is always in exceptionally foul mood during the holiday season, and I am to blame for that, of course. But this year he has been on his good behavior, approaching the old self, pre BD. I also cooked 4 course meal, baked and decorated with kids 4 types of cookies, prepared kids and presents, cleaned the house, and gave away leftovers to MLCH.  (never mind that my Christmas is January 6). He thanked me, brought a nice present for me. Made kids decorate the wrapping of my present with their own pictures. I also bought him presents, since my D conveyed to me what she wanted to give him. He was appreciative, and kind.
Before Christmas, I was playing different scenarios in my head, based on various degrees of Monster that I might need to face (something akin to FEMA's disaster preparedness plan). But I am happy to report that these scenarios were not necessary this year. The Monster failed to show up.

Have a good rest of the year and Happy New Year to you. Hopefully this coming year will be much easier and happier for all of us.

Offline bookwrmmom

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Re: Thread 24 - The More things change, the more they stay the same
« Reply #18 on: December 27, 2017, 06:00:23 PM »
Chicken Enchiladas and Jalepeno cornbread  ;D The bear took some good old American food to your friends for dinner!
UM your patience and genuine attempts at including the MLCer in family events, holidays, and activities is pretty awesome. I am not sure how you have managed so well, and not lost your $hit with her.......on more then one occasion. Your children will definitely benefit from having a daddy that made so much effort to make MLC as normal as possible.  You are one heck of a bear my friend......who also can cook, clean, care for the cubs, work hard, and stay sane.
M-44 at BD (now 47)
H-47 at BD (now 49)
Tog-16 1/2 yrs
M-16yrs
Kids- S23, S24, D18 at BD
BD-2/15/2014
Left-2/17/2014
OW1-fantasy ended in less then a year
OW2- briefly dated-she said he was not a happy enough person
OW3-post divorce so not really OW, he is a free agent now
Divorce-10/5/2015
Giving up does not always mean that you are weak; sometimes it means you are strong enough to let go.

Offline UrsaMajorTopic starter

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Re: Thread 24 - The More things change, the more they stay the same
« Reply #19 on: December 28, 2017, 01:31:29 AM »
Chicken Enchiladas and Jalepeno cornbread  ;D The bear took some good old American food to your friends for dinner!
UM your patience and genuine attempts at including the MLCer in family events, holidays, and activities is pretty awesome. I am not sure how you have managed so well, and not lost your $hit with her.......on more then one occasion. Your children will definitely benefit from having a daddy that made so much effort to make MLC as normal as possible.  You are one heck of a bear my friend......who also can cook, clean, care for the cubs, work hard, and stay sane.

ROFL - Sometimes I am also not quite sure how I have managed to not go into full-on

mode once in a while but I figure that it isn't worth the time or effort... I could also go pound my head against the wall... It DOES come out in my dreams sometimes though... especially when I catch a drive-by glimpse of the human formerly knows as W...

As for the rest 4 out of 5 isn't bad... It is that last one(staying sane)  that I am not quite so sure of...

Speaking of sane... or not....

I was confronted with another reminder that Mid-Lifer is still WAY off deep into the tunnel this week....

W was always "ïmage-conscious" in terms of not wanting to be judged as a female and to do that, she was able to pull of dressing in a way that was attractive and dare I say sexy but in an EXTREMELY elegant "Channeling Audrey Hepburn" sort of way....

Her latest WhatsApp profile pic is.... well.... seriously WTF....

A duckface $l*tpuppy wannabe teenager pose... Complete with glittery short dress, heels, cocked hip, and all...

So much for not being judged on looks...



Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 10
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
No legal action to date

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online Treasur

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Re: Thread 24 - The More things change, the more they stay the same
« Reply #20 on: December 28, 2017, 01:44:40 AM »
Oh dear.....it's sad that they seem to channel their inner 'trashy selfie' King or Queen, isn't it? Part of the whole 'Fakebook look at me' zeitgeist, I guess....I think it's fair to say that most MLC spouses don't get a good makeover whereas, strangely, most LBS drop pounds, years and rock a new look in a great way.  ;D
BD - Oct 15, mostly silent vanishing husband, diagnosed with severe depression in Dec 15 & seeing psychiatrist/on ADs since then
OW since Apr 16, maybe earlier?
H filed Jan 17.
80/20 strategy for me in 2018

"her soul is fierce, her heart is brave, her mind is strong." R.H Sin
Grace is...Elegance, good will, unearned blessings, a prayer of thanks and how to address a duchess.
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline The lighthouse

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Re: Thread 24 - The More things change, the more they stay the same
« Reply #21 on: December 28, 2017, 05:10:58 PM »
Attaching UM. 

What an interesting Christmas you had!  A real mixed bag in true MLC style.  ;) ;D
M 1992
BD June 2011
Still with OW - No legal action

I am the lighthouse. I don't go out into the storm after the ship.  The ship finds me.

Offline No expectations

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Re: Thread 24 - The More things change, the more they stay the same
« Reply #22 on: December 28, 2017, 06:35:20 PM »
Hi Ursa,

Sounds like a good Christmas,  all in all.  You made me hungry with all your fabulous dishes!

Glad w made an appearance,  albeit a short one.  May 2018 be kind, to all of us.
Married 10 1/2 years, together 17.  BD 9/2016, 2nd BD 10/16.  H moved out 10/16.  2 AS's from my first M.  Me 55, H 49.  OW 23.

"And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through; how you managed to survive.  You won't even be sure if the storm is really over.  But one thing is certain; when you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person that walked in...that's what this storm is all about."

"The trick is to enjoy life.  Don't wish away your days, waiting for better ones."

Offline UrsaMajorTopic starter

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Re: Thread 24 - The More things change, the more they stay the same
« Reply #23 on: December 29, 2017, 07:10:02 AM »
I think it's fair to say that most MLC spouses don't get a good makeover whereas, strangely, most LBS drop pounds, years and rock a new look in a great way.  ;D

I can totally agree Treasur... The Mid-Lifers usually look like 10 miles of Bad Road whereas the LBS (in my case) has dropped 10 kgs (still), went from a 36 Waist to a 33 (32 in some jeans!) and from 25% to 18/19% (sometimes even cracking into the 17.x% range...) body fat... I was forced (seriously! I didn't fit in much anymore) to revamp my wardrobe and got stuff again that I liked and felt good in rather than what Mid-Lifer said was good for me.... dropped the oversized "tent" type clothing and got stuff that is more fitted without going into the Teenie look - that was not easy!  Evidently, if someone has an inseam that is longer than their waistline is around, they must have stork legs and go for skinny jeans (YUCK!) Unfortunately, I had to send LOTS of  pants back as I couldn't get them over my legs or I could and they were fine at the waist but my legs looked like the trousers were painted on... NOT the look I was after, thank you...

Hi Ursa,

Sounds like a good Christmas,  all in all.  You made me hungry with all your fabulous dishes!

Glad w made an appearance,  albeit a short one.  May 2018 be kind, to all of us.

NoEx, it is just that I really DO like to cook for friends and for people who will eat it... It is sort of a hobby of mine and, in the house formerly known as "home,"  when we had the kitchen put in (houses do NOT usually come equipped with a kitchen in Germany) I had a few extras like an oversized stove, a refrigerator freezer that was bigger than normal and a separate oven . I wanted a steamer but Mid-Lifer couldn't be convinced.... Some of the recipes are from my family, some from MIL, and some I have found in various cookbooks or magazines that I have tried and adapted... Some things are a bit of a challenge now as my kitchen is significantly smaller in my apartment.

I would really like 2018 to be a better year for all of us... We've sure paid our dues this past year...
Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 10
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
No legal action to date

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline rosecoloredglasses

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Re: Thread 24 - The More things change, the more they stay the same
« Reply #24 on: December 29, 2017, 07:50:42 AM »
I loved reading your cooking posts, Ursa!  I also enjoy cooking but my H won't eat it and my kids are picky!  I hope to do more cooking in the new year!  Maybe we need a recipe thread.😊
M-43
H-52
D-12
S-8
D-4

Offline No expectations

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Re: Thread 24 - The More things change, the more they stay the same
« Reply #25 on: December 29, 2017, 11:17:46 AM »
Ursa,

I'm with you on the cooking and entertaining!   This Christmas,  I had 13 for dinner.  Made a standing rib roast, smoked turkey, ham, lots of sides.  I don't do desserts,  I leave those to my sister.   Buy it was a fabulous day!
Married 10 1/2 years, together 17.  BD 9/2016, 2nd BD 10/16.  H moved out 10/16.  2 AS's from my first M.  Me 55, H 49.  OW 23.

"And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through; how you managed to survive.  You won't even be sure if the storm is really over.  But one thing is certain; when you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person that walked in...that's what this storm is all about."

"The trick is to enjoy life.  Don't wish away your days, waiting for better ones."

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: Thread 24 - The More things change, the more they stay the same
« Reply #26 on: December 29, 2017, 11:20:14 AM »
Late to the party. Survived my Christmas #2. Sounds like Christmas went well for you. 
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: Thread 24 - The More things change, the more they stay the same
« Reply #27 on: December 29, 2017, 12:51:19 PM »
Another Christmas on the books.  I'm also praying for positive things for all of us in 2018.
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9711.0

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline Shocked

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Re: Thread 24 - The More things change, the more they stay the same
« Reply #28 on: December 30, 2017, 07:49:39 AM »
 I’m glad Christmas was good for you. We strive to be better than the year before so I am very glad fir you about that!!! Sending you lots of happy wishes for 2018!!!
I care🤗
H 51
W 58
M 22 Years
2 AD both married from my first M
BD 12/15 moved out-in replay, vanisher, MOW in Atlanta
D 2/17

Offline UrsaMajorTopic starter

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Re: Thread 24 - The More things change, the more they stay the same
« Reply #29 on: December 30, 2017, 08:35:45 AM »
RCG - The Bear Cubs know that if they don't eat what I cook, there isn't anything else... OK, maybe a bread roll with some lunch meat but that is NOT Burger King, they don't get it their way... Especially when it comes to the holiday meals... I DO try to make things they like for the most part (I can do Spaghetti Bolognese while hibernating) but, if I am going to make an effort, they better well be ready to eat some of it...

NoEx, I'm coming to YOUR house next year! And I'll even help cook!

FaithWalker - I have to count on it being better in 2018... Last year was a challenge ...

DF - It was OK... Nothing breathtakingly spectacular but given the fact that Mid-Lifer is only 2 years into her crisis, that is to be expected...

So, a small rant...

I just got my Amended Tax Return back since Mid-Lifer FINALLY filed... and I have to pay about $900 back out of my refund.... I KNEW that would happen so I had kept most of it in savings but it just chaps my a$$... What is interesting (and a bit of the Karma Bus making a drive-by) is that most of her deductions were disallowed whereas almost all of mine were accepted.. Of course, I had the documentation for them so ...

And on the positive side and a firetrucking GREAT way to start the new year and potentially a new life (or at least a new phase of it) - I have just made my FINAL payment on my Grad School Student Loan! After shelling out about 32K$ I am done paying it off! And in "only" 12 years instead of 20.... THAT will be worth lifting a glass to tomorrow night... !
Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 10
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
No legal action to date

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: Thread 24 - The More things change, the more they stay the same
« Reply #30 on: December 30, 2017, 03:26:38 PM »
Sorry to hear about the tax money.  But congrats on paying off that student loan!  I'm sure that is a huge stress lifted.
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9711.0

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline MourningDove

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Re: Thread 24 - The More things change, the more they stay the same
« Reply #31 on: December 30, 2017, 03:38:51 PM »
Congrats on the loan being paid off :)

Offline No expectations

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Re: Thread 24 - The More things change, the more they stay the same
« Reply #32 on: December 31, 2017, 04:20:40 AM »
Ursa,

Absolutely you're welcome here next year!  And that is so awesome about paying off your student loan!  Definitely an accomplishment to celebrate  ;D
Married 10 1/2 years, together 17.  BD 9/2016, 2nd BD 10/16.  H moved out 10/16.  2 AS's from my first M.  Me 55, H 49.  OW 23.

"And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through; how you managed to survive.  You won't even be sure if the storm is really over.  But one thing is certain; when you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person that walked in...that's what this storm is all about."

"The trick is to enjoy life.  Don't wish away your days, waiting for better ones."

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Re: Thread 24 - The More things change, the more they stay the same
« Reply #33 on: December 31, 2017, 04:37:43 AM »
I'm not sure why her filing her taxes would cost YOU money (?) but I'm happy your loan is paid off.  Great job!

Happy New Year, UM!   :)
Hope it's peaceful.
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline UrsaMajorTopic starter

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Re: Thread 24 - The More things change, the more they stay the same
« Reply #34 on: December 31, 2017, 05:10:17 PM »
I'm not sure why her filing her taxes would cost YOU money (?) but I'm happy your loan is paid off.  Great job!

Happy New Year, UM!   :)
Hope it's peaceful.

It all has to do with the German tax code... There are certain deductions allowed for kids and in appears that, although I did NOT claim them, they were given to me anyway... Once she filed HER taxes, the government decided that she was the one that should have gotten them 100% and clawed back the money from me. Just another instance of how fathers are screwed over by the system here... It should have been 50%/50% but because Mid-Lifer has never filed anything legal in terms of a D, the tax office assumes that anything that gets claimed is "joint" and you can't claim the same kid deduction multiple times...

Yeah, the student loan thing is a real break... 32K$ is finally done...  The payments were less than 100$ but I was paying $250 so I could get it done faster.... which I did... about half the amount of time...

And now that the firecrackers have lightened up, it is time to go out with the dog one last time...
Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 10
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
No legal action to date

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: Thread 24 - The More things change, the more they stay the same
« Reply #35 on: December 31, 2017, 08:37:34 PM »
If I had a glass of bubbly here, UM, I would lift it in toast to you and the paid off student loans. 

Happy New Year to you. 
After all, tomorrow is another day.

Offline Shocked

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Re: Thread 24 - The More things change, the more they stay the same
« Reply #36 on: December 31, 2017, 09:09:34 PM »
Congrats on paying off your loan!!!! I’m sure that’s a big relief!!!!

Happy New Year UM!!! May it be filled with joyful days!!!
I care🤗
H 51
W 58
M 22 Years
2 AD both married from my first M
BD 12/15 moved out-in replay, vanisher, MOW in Atlanta
D 2/17

Offline The lighthouse

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Re: Thread 24 - The More things change, the more they stay the same
« Reply #37 on: January 02, 2018, 09:43:23 PM »
Congrats UM.  Let's hope that's a great start to a great new year for you!
M 1992
BD June 2011
Still with OW - No legal action

I am the lighthouse. I don't go out into the storm after the ship.  The ship finds me.

Offline Silver

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Re: Thread 24 - The More things change, the more they stay the same
« Reply #38 on: January 03, 2018, 02:57:18 AM »
Congrats UM!  You paid your student loan and I haven't even started my payments  :o
I have half of what you had but still...

So I am taking you as a role model in this too and start to calculate....  ;)
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline heroIam

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Re: Thread 24 - The More things change, the more they stay the same
« Reply #39 on: January 03, 2018, 12:09:58 PM »
UM
That's great about the student loan!  Well done!
Hoping this new year brings you peace and joy.  And lots of laughs!
“In the end, you’ve got to be your own hero because everyone’s busy trying to save themselves.”

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Thread 24 - The More things change, the more they stay the same
« Reply #40 on: January 05, 2018, 09:47:57 PM »
I'm more shocked that the German Tax Department is working this early in the New Year ;D

"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8451.80 (Denjef's thread)

Offline UrsaMajorTopic starter

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Re: Thread 24 - The More things change, the more they stay the same
« Reply #41 on: January 09, 2018, 05:39:25 PM »
I'm more shocked that the German Tax Department is working this early in the New Year ;D

No kidding....

MLC Answer was "Well, you'll just have to wait next year until I file so that doesn't happen again..." Uhmmmmm ... NO... Filing is supposed to be done by end of April. Since we are both employed by companies, the government KNOWS that they will owe us so they are quite content to keep our money.. I have, however, NO desire to wait until October or so to file... I'll just do it the right way and keep the money in savings until she gets her poo in one sock and gets her part done...
Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 10
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
No legal action to date

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online Thunder

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Re: Thread 24 - The More things change, the more they stay the same
« Reply #42 on: January 11, 2018, 04:20:47 AM »
Hi Um,

How are you and the kiddo's doing?  Are they still with you?
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline ember

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Re: Thread 24 - The More things change, the more they stay the same
« Reply #43 on: January 12, 2018, 09:58:36 PM »
"Poo in one sock".... I love that!!!

Offline UrsaMajorTopic starter

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Re: Thread 24 - The More things change, the more they stay the same
« Reply #44 on: January 15, 2018, 06:57:07 AM »
<yawn - streeeeetch - poking my nose out of the bear cave>

Saturday night was the first night in 2 weeks with no kids.... D's Birthday Party was on Saturday starting at 15:00 so I spent Friday making her cake, getting the drinks, plates, cups, decoration, and then Saturday morning making the goodie bags for the guests with S (D stayed with W Friday night) and I then spent Saturday evening doing not much of anything at all... had a long text conversation from a friend from church about retro music ("Retro being 1980/90's) but, other than that, it was VERY VERY quiet.

Today was the first day back to real life and that was a challenge - the kids were used to going to bed late and getting up later so getting them to bed last night at a decent hour (yes, they stayed with mom one night and then they are back with me last night and tonight) was a challenge and getting S's happy rear end out of bed this morning even more so... But Dad wins int eh end ... I just finally yanked the covers off and said that he had 30 minutes to get dressed and eat and if he wasn't ready, well, I'd just take him to school in his undies... (Now, keep in mind, I had been going in and waking him up every 5-7 minutes for nearly half an hour at this point... ) and it was AMAZING how fast he appeared at  the breakfast table. In the end, we made it to school on time for him and all was well...

D's B-Day Party was a hit (If you recall, last year at her party, W said that "we needed to figure out how we would do the D" and I said that SHE needed figure out how SHE was going to do the D because I was NOT going to help her, I wouldn't stop her or stand in her way but this was her action and her choice so she needed to do it... Since then... crickets) and I made sure that my bases were covered. A friend of D's had HER party on Wednesday and her mom asked if I would stay for the party because she needed help. Seems her ex is a wanker (he is - I got to experience him first hand - my MLC Radar Warning system was flashing red alert) and is about as useful as a screen door in a U-Boat... Much like My Mid-Lifer was last year... so I asked friends mom to help me and she did... I think that unnerved Mid-Lifer a bit because friends mom is really a nice lady and not unattractive.... Anyway, Mid-Lifer was helpful and friends mom was a big help if for no other reason than a 3rd set of eyes keeping tabs on 11 6 & 7 year olds...

Although I have a serious Cootie infestation, Mid-Lifer even initiated some physical contact during the party... I am guessing to "mark her territory" (HA!) so I am guessing she was feeling a little insecure... Now that the party is over, I am back to being the CootieMan but that is fine... It was a bit unnerving and not in the least bit enticing although my LL1 is touch... I guess that says a lot of where I am in this process in a sad kind of way... But, well, that is the chance the Mid-Lifer takes when they leave...

Kids are with me again tonight and then with mom for 2 days (at least...)  When I went to get them last night, (Mid-Lifer was helping S with a presentation he needs to do this week, she could not get us gone fast enough and was vacuuming around the house....I also noted that several of her lights are not fully working anymore so I guess she has forgotten how to change a light bulb (actually, I used to do that all the time so she might seriously not know how) but, since she was in sweats, I doubt she was planning on doing any lavish entertaining last night after we left. She had just had 4 kids (S, D and 2 of D's friends) spend the night so I am sure she didn't get much sleep....

And that is the state of life in the Bear's Den at the moment...
Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 10
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
No legal action to date

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online Thunder

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Re: Thread 24 - The More things change, the more they stay the same
« Reply #45 on: January 15, 2018, 07:07:22 AM »
Oh my God that "useful as a screen door in a U-Boat" comment made me laugh.   ;D

I think it was good your W saw you were getting help from a lovely, not unattractive, woman.  Made her sit up at take notice for a minute, anyway.  Ah, these Wallowers... ::)

Party sounds like it was a success.  You are such a good dad, UM.
Your w better start taking more notice before someone else does.

Just sayin'....
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline Never say never

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Re: Thread 24 - The More things change, the more they stay the same
« Reply #46 on: January 15, 2018, 07:24:54 AM »
Oh, Thunder, you took the words right out of my mouth.

I couldn't have said it better.  Of course, not, Thunder, you ALWAYS say the right thing!  Haha!

Thanks for taking the time to come out of your bear cave, UM, and thanks for making me laugh early this morning with your GIFs.  I forgot whose thread they were on, maybe FW?  But anyway, it started my morning off on the right foot!!!

You are an amazing dad ... I hope you really know that ... and your wife is losing out big-time.  So sad.

Online Treasur

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Re: Thread 24 - The More things change, the more they stay the same
« Reply #47 on: January 15, 2018, 07:47:45 AM »
UM...I love you...am immediately adding 'as useful as a screen door on a U-boat' to 'Bat-Snot Bonkers' in my UM Dictionary  ;D
BD - Oct 15, mostly silent vanishing husband, diagnosed with severe depression in Dec 15 & seeing psychiatrist/on ADs since then
OW since Apr 16, maybe earlier?
H filed Jan 17.
80/20 strategy for me in 2018

"her soul is fierce, her heart is brave, her mind is strong." R.H Sin
Grace is...Elegance, good will, unearned blessings, a prayer of thanks and how to address a duchess.
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Puzzled

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Re: Thread 24 - The More things change, the more they stay the same
« Reply #48 on: January 15, 2018, 12:15:22 PM »
UM, good to hear an update from you!  I was happy to read that you had a female, "not unattractive" helper at your daughter's birthday party and that your W may have felt a bit uneasy about it...  ;)
Me: 46 (43 at BD1)
H: 52 (48 at BD1)
D: 9 (6 at BD1)
Met in 1995, married since 2000
BD 1: August 2014
BD 2: October 2015, moved abroad

Offline Anjae

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Re: Thread 24 - The More things change, the more they stay the same
« Reply #49 on: January 15, 2018, 04:11:42 PM »
"... as useful as a screen door in a U-Boat ..."  ;D

You're a great dad, Ursa. Your kids are very lucky to have you.

Regarding the taxes. If filling is until end or April, if you fille by October, will you be fined?

Deductions are complicated with a MLCer. Mr. J and I have been (still are?), legally married for years on end, but since we are separated and filling separated taxes, we cannot claim the spefic married deduction = we lose money.  ::)
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Thread 24 - The More things change, the more they stay the same
« Reply #50 on: January 15, 2018, 10:23:51 PM »
The cootie infection is very contagious around this site.  All MLCers need to be given the cootie vaccine just to be around us!

Glad the party went well and you enjoyed your not unattractive friend and the attention it got you from your W.  I can see the cat claws from here ;D
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8451.80 (Denjef's thread)

Online Thunder

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Re: Thread 24 - The More things change, the more they stay the same
« Reply #51 on: January 15, 2018, 10:42:10 PM »
 ;D  Savvy, you made me laugh with the cootie vaccine for all MLCer's.
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline UrsaMajorTopic starter

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Re: Thread 24 - The More things change, the more they stay the same
« Reply #52 on: January 16, 2018, 12:07:22 AM »
"... as useful as a screen door in a U-Boat ..."  ;D

You're a great dad, Ursa. Your kids are very lucky to have you.

Regarding the taxes. If filling is until end or April, if you fille by October, will you be fined?

Deductions are complicated with a MLCer. Mr. J and I have been (still are?), legally married for years on end, but since we are separated and filling separated taxes, we cannot claim the spefic married deduction = we lose money.  ::)

Hi Anjae,

The famous German Answer here to the filing late question... it depends....

If you owe THEM money, you are fined heavily. If they owe you money, they are quite happy when people file late... If you are self-employed (neither of us are) and you file late, you are fined as well...

Technically(legally) they could apply a penalty for filing late but when they owe you, that rarely ever happens...

That is why I want to get back to filing on time, regardless of what happens to Mid-Lifer.... It just took me extra time last year to get all the needed docs together from my move and all...
Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 10
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
No legal action to date

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online Whyus

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Re: Thread 24 - The More things change, the more they stay the same
« Reply #53 on: January 16, 2018, 12:38:05 AM »
Great update on the Party mate  8)... woke W up for a second or 2 it seems!!
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 44
W: 44
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28. Trainings partner. Still together
2 Sons - 18 & 19
2 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Filed
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0
T10. http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9547.0

Offline UrsaMajorTopic starter

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Re: Thread 24 - The More things change, the more they stay the same
« Reply #54 on: January 16, 2018, 01:18:06 AM »
I am not sure if it woke her up or what... W was pretty adamant at first that we didn't need help ("we handled it just fine last year" - yeah, because I ran around like a headless chicken making sure that things were running more or less smoothly while W sat at the table and ordered the food  ::)  "we" <snort>) but I didn't budge on asking so W relented... she knows D7's friends mom anyway as well because, well, the girls are friends so W has picked her up or had the girl at her house too. I would not say that the 2 moms are "friends," but they are by no means strangers....

So seeing me interact with the lady can not have been TOO much of a shock, I wouldn't think... not like it would be if it were someone that she doesn't know... I did happen to find out in passing conversation that friends mom is also a few years younger than Mid-Lifer so that MAY have something to do with her fleeting "touch" and go thing... I don't know and, to be honest, I am beyond caring enough to try to figure out what purple tastes like...

@Treasur - "Bat Snot Bonkers" is the HS-approved version of Bat-$#!t Crazy....  ;D

@Thunder - W is oblivious... and frankly it is NOT on her radar screen... She takes after FIL (RIP) that regard,.... She has a very over-inflated opinion of herself such that if she discards someone, there is NO possible way that anyone else would ever be interested in that discarded person... I am afraid that it will take a serious 2x4íng before she gets the picture... but that day will come, sooner or later...

Time may be the best friend of the LBS but it is also the worst enemy of the Mid-Lifer.... It gives the LBS the chance to do the work they need to do, to regain their feet under them, their equilibrium, their "spark" as Dove is so fond of saying.... Once the LBS's light begins to shine again, people are attracted..... and NOT just the Mid-Lifer.... A lighthouse attracts more than a single ship in the dark....
Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 10
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
No legal action to date

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline handpuppets

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Re: Thread 24 - The More things change, the more they stay the same
« Reply #55 on: January 16, 2018, 12:11:59 PM »
Once the LBS's light begins to shine again, people are attracted..... and NOT just the Mid-Lifer.... A lighthouse attracts more than a single ship in the dark....

So, so, so true. So all you newbies reading.. let it shine like the dawn baby! (ala Psalm 37:6, http://biblehub.com/psalms/37-6.htm)
“Lighthouses don’t go running all over an island looking for boats to save; they just stand there shining.” -Anne Lamott

Offline bipolared

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Re: Thread 24 - The More things change, the more they stay the same
« Reply #56 on: January 16, 2018, 12:46:28 PM »
Catching up and love that you had a female helper that your MLCer may or may not have noticed-maybe she was trying to be nonchalant?  Also with everyone else in loving the uboat comment-you do have a way with words.  And emoticons.  and memes and gifs...
I'm not looking for my other half because I'm not half a person.

Offline Shocked

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Re: Thread 24 - The More things change, the more they stay the same
« Reply #57 on: January 21, 2018, 07:36:16 PM »
Cootie shots!!!😂😂😂 I haven’t heard that term since second grade!!!! Great idea!!!💡👍
I care🤗
H 51
W 58
M 22 Years
2 AD both married from my first M
BD 12/15 moved out-in replay, vanisher, MOW in Atlanta
D 2/17

Offline UrsaMajorTopic starter

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Re: Thread 24 - The More things change, the more they stay the same
« Reply #58 on: January 22, 2018, 04:06:55 AM »
So, the male Bear Cub and I were both laid low at the end of the week by what the Brits call "The Lurgy." The Germans call it a "Grippe-ähnliche Infekt" and the rest of the world calls it a nasty cold that mimics the flu... Both of us were out of commission Thursday and Friday and Friday, S decided that he wanted to be sick at my house instead of at moms house so I went and got him.

Just to head off all the "Man-flu" jokes right off the start, I still was going out with the dog, cooking for the both of us, did some minor shopping for what I needed, made a Linsen Soup for us, etc., etc., etc.. Sort of like a mom-flu... One feels like something that the cat drug in but still have to deal with life so you haul your happy rear-end out of bed and just get on with it... Just not going to work in addition... I figured that my colleagues were not particularly interested in having the modern-day version of Typhoid Mario  ;) wandering around the corridors...

Other than that, not a lot to say....  I did find it amusing that Mid-Lifer casually mentioned "Oh did I tell you (that means she knows she didn't) that I have a business trip to <city in Germany> on Feb 14th so I need you to pick up the kids that day...."

First, no, you didn't tell me. Second, although it is Valentines Day, it is also Ash Wednesday and we have an Ash Wednesday Liturgy that we share with the Finnish and Swedish churches.. So I just told her that was fine and that I'd take the kids with me... <backpedal> "Well, I'll be back around 18:00 so you could leave them with me after that." I just nodded and said "Yeah, OK. We'll see how it goes." Just as a recap, for those who haven't read the umpety-teen Threads I have written in the last year, LAST Valentine's Day, Mid-Lifer asked if I had plans already and I said "yes" because I did. A lady I had met on a Charity Walk and I had made plans to meet for dinner... The look on her face at that point was that of total shock... "What? You are not moping at home?" I went out and had a nice dinner and a nice conversation which ended up resulting in an agreement between the church she is on the Vestry for (a Roman Catholic Church in Frankfurt) and ours (amongst others) to hold an ecumenical worship in English one evening a month... I can't imagine the Monkey-Braining going on but it wasn't my problem... This year, she headed that off at the pass with the business trip . Good thing I hadn't made plans already <snort> other than the fact it is Ash Wednesday this year... Oh well, it isn't like I have anyone to ask anyway...

Nothing else to report on that front (the Mid-Lifer) since wallowers just wallow along... She is still making "suggestions" of things "we" should do like looking for a bike for S (his is WAY too small for him) . My response is "OK, let me know when you'd like to do that and we can plan it." (toss the ball back in her court) and then ..... <crickets>  Nothing... That shows me that NOTHING has changed as previously, she'd hint, I'd go out and do it or take care of whatever it was, and then she would be critical of it in some fashion... Now, I just say to let me know when she'd like to do it and we can do it together (which was what she was always going on about before anyway "You always just DO things and NEVER consult/ask me before you do it. You leave me out!"  well, yeah because if I didn't NOTHING EVER HAPPENED!) and, guess what? NOTHING HAPPENS!  You want to be included, then DO something to be included... I am tempted to get S a bike and just keep it at my house.. The thing is that he will need one for school at some point and that has to be at HER house...

Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 10
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
No legal action to date

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Watcher

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Re: Thread 24 - The More things change, the more they stay the same
« Reply #59 on: January 22, 2018, 04:34:00 AM »
Hi UrsaMajor,

I like how you put it back on her and included her in on the decision making process. I need to do that myself. Nothing would ever get accomplished if I waited for W even prior to BD.

She was always mad that I did not include her. If I did include her than it didn't get gone. I brought these Fall decorations this past November. Why didn't you invite me to go shopping Watcher ? She never would have went and the purchase would never had been made if she did go.

She doesn't like me enjoying my money. That's another story.

Offline UrsaMajorTopic starter

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Re: Thread 24 - The More things change, the more they stay the same
« Reply #60 on: January 22, 2018, 04:54:28 AM »
I like how you put it back on her and included her in on the decision making process. I need to do that myself. Nothing would ever get accomplished if I waited for W even prior to BD.

She was always mad that I did not include her. If I did include her than it didn't get gone. I brought these Fall decorations this past November. Why didn't you invite me to go shopping Watcher ? She never would have went and the purchase would never had been made if she did go.

She doesn't like me enjoying my money. That's another story.

This is EXACTLY the same issues I dealt with... the passive-aggressiveness is breathtaking... No matter what you do, you are firetrucked... If you "just deal with it" you are wrong because you didn't include them. If you DO include them, nothing happens and then you are wrong because nothing got done... AAAAARGH!  Since ABD "Reason du Jour 7f" was "I need to prove that I can do it on my own."  my 'tude is "OK, then DO IT BABY! If you really WANT help, feel free to ask but I am no longer participating in mind-reading or the great game of Gotcha!" If she doesn't ask or take the initiative, I'm not going to push it...
Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 10
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
No legal action to date

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Shocked

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Re: Thread 24 - The More things change, the more they stay the same
« Reply #61 on: January 22, 2018, 07:43:47 AM »
Just to let you know I am reading along!!! Take care of yourself and Don’t get that flu!!! Also have more dinners out with nice people!!!
I care🤗
H 51
W 58
M 22 Years
2 AD both married from my first M
BD 12/15 moved out-in replay, vanisher, MOW in Atlanta
D 2/17


 

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