Author Topic: My Story Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces  (Read 1857 times)

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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My Story Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« on: January 02, 2018, 09:03:36 AM »
It seems fitting that the New Year is bringing some new pieces to the mix.

I am not sure where they fit, or how they fit.

The pieces of D's college choices are falling into place, now that we may have found the missing one that was hiding somewhere. That has not been resolved, but we should have those pieces to figure out what to keep and which ones to set aside by the end of the week.

S mentioned looking into his Spring classes and looking into transferring next year as well. He sounds ready and that is a good thing. I am glad he waited.

MLC derailed all of us and somehow it is falling into place now. S would never have survived the madness of XH moving out 4 days after S's graduation and then going off to college. It would have been a recipe for disaster. The past couple of years have helped S regain his footing and he has actually grown in confidence.

D's confidence in her F was shattered and it certainly affected her own self worth for awhile. She too has found that inner fight and is determined to move on.

I hope in the long run that the things that they have now accomplished somehow help to avoid their own MLC down the line. That is a fear I now have. I have no control over it, but it does sit out there in my mind.

All I can hope is that both kids have had enough love and support to not endure the fog their F has going on. I really cannot imagine what pain and suffering brings on such a crisis that it makes you not see the wonderful things in front of you, like two incredible kids?

They are not perfect and drive me nuts at times. They sometimes are whiny teenagers and self absorbed, but I also know the pure joy they bring to me and that they are something to be treasured.

My own life is now going to be very different yet again. I will admit being in an empty house will be strange. Yet, I am not looking at the moment they both leave with dread and not because I won't miss them. I will. But, I, like my parents, I suppose look at it with the idea that they need to fly on their own. It doesn't mean they don't come back to visit or to stay for a time. Some day maybe they too will have kids and I can be the doting "Nana" and then send them home when they drive me crazy - LOL.

My job as a M is not done when they leave, the role simply changes slightly. At least I have a heads up on this one - unlike MLC.

Now the question is, what pieces do I need to keep of my own and which new ones are going to show up?

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9647.150

Online Thunder

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #1 on: January 02, 2018, 10:15:28 AM »
Welcome to your new thread, Mourning.

Hope 2018 is a good year for you and your kids.   :)
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Online Mortesbride

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #2 on: January 02, 2018, 11:37:01 AM »
Well apparently this generation is the generation more likely to end up back at home with their parents...fingers crossed yours don't because they sound like amazing kids. But it would be nice to be the granny...get all the cuddles then send them on their way when they get stroppy!  8)

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #3 on: January 02, 2018, 11:54:20 AM »
Will continue with you, MD, and the kids into 2018. 

Hopefully D's #1 college choice thing will get straightened out. 
After all, tomorrow is another day.

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #4 on: January 02, 2018, 12:11:16 PM »
Hi Dove—can’t wait to hear all about Ds college adventure. And yours too of course. Happy 2018!
Me 46
H 45
S11
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo.

Offline Medusa

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #5 on: January 02, 2018, 01:07:23 PM »
Dove, my dear friend, who knows what new things are going to appear in your life. 4 years ago I knew X would be back. Two years ago I knewmy career would end in New York State. Hell, a few weeks ago, I knew I didn’t get my dream job! About an hour ago, I was pretty darn sure I was going to get whacked by a speeding snowplow!

I know you’re not focusing on what will happen since you already know none of us can figure that part out, anyway.

That said, I do know one thing: you will continue to move forward with the grace you’ve exhibited throughout this entire mess you’ve been put in.

And you won’t have a dopey dog swiping your shoes. 😉
_____________________

Married 29 years. Divorced 12/7/16.
BD March 2013
D24, S22, Canine
Moved out November 2013
Bought townhouse for him and OW December, 2014
Mediation began April, 2014, completed June, 2015; round of mediation completed August 24.
My status: done and indifferent
____________________

That's was some f*cked up sh!t! I don't ever have to do that again!

Why are you holding on to that? How is it serving you?

One does not make the trip to he!! And back without acquiring transferable skills!

Offline heroIam

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #6 on: January 02, 2018, 02:10:20 PM »
Happy New Year MD.  ;)
Following along.....
“In the end, you’ve got to be your own hero because everyone’s busy trying to save themselves.”

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #7 on: January 02, 2018, 02:33:53 PM »
Welcome to your new thread, Dove, and to a new year full of possibilities.

SMH at the continuing saga of the "name" on the checks.  I did not realize that he fought you so much on whether you changed it or not.  Surprisingly, mine told me that I would always be a "_______" and never once thought that I would return to my maiden name.  I didn't really consider another possibility, as I have kids that have that last name, including my S17 who's name we had legally changed from my maiden name to my H's name when he was 2.  S17 has since wrestled with the possibility of maybe changing his last name, not without pressure from his F, I am sure.  His F has only daughter's with his W, and no one to carry on his last name.  S17 has thought maybe he would keep H's last name, but hyphenate it with his F's last name brought into the mix as well.  I told him that he had my blessing whatever he decided, but asked him to wait until he became an adult to do so.

I have read somewhere recently that keeping your married name ties you to the fate of your former H.  And that taking your maiden name releases you from their fate, but of course that is just someone's perspective, I'm sure.

My SIL harrumphed when I told her that he said I would always be an ______ and said "he can't know the future, you could re-marry and take on your new H's name."  I don't think she realized the depth of my feeling's toward remarriage, though again, like Medusa says, we cannot foresee the future.

I agree with her that you will continue to move forward with grace.

M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9711.0

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline Shocked

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #8 on: January 02, 2018, 03:04:36 PM »
Wishing you a much happier 2018!!!! And a lot less crazy!!!!
I care🤗
H 51
W 58
M 22 Years
2 AD both married from my first M
BD 12/15 moved out-in replay, vanisher, MOW in Atlanta
D 2/17

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #9 on: January 02, 2018, 04:46:58 PM »
Attaching too....
Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 10
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
No legal action to date

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline No expectations

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #10 on: January 02, 2018, 06:21:27 PM »
Hi Dove,

I wouldn't miss your new thread.  I love the idea of a new year with new pieces!

I hope your D gets everything settled and gets her 1st choice for college.  And I have no doubt that no matter what happens, you will be there, supporting and loving your children.  You are a special person, for sure.
Married 10 1/2 years, together 17.  BD 9/2016, 2nd BD 10/16.  H moved out 10/16.  2 AS's from my first M.  Me 55, H 49.  OW 23.

"And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through; how you managed to survive.  You won't even be sure if the storm is really over.  But one thing is certain; when you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person that walked in...that's what this storm is all about."

"The trick is to enjoy life.  Don't wish away your days, waiting for better ones."

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #11 on: January 03, 2018, 07:38:39 AM »
Happy New Year to all of you and thank you for all of the support you have given me :)

I went into work this morning and we did a bit of an exercise this morning, basically I called my students out. I told them I was not impressed by busy work - LOL. I have been getting lots of "brainstorming lists" that I can tell were those lists that they created after settling on one idea they first came up with. My one student owned up to it immediately. I smiled at him and told him thank you. He was so funny and answered every answer honestly - owning it all, but he then saw my point and continued to answer when no one else would.

I am discovering these kids have never really shot for the stars. They give me all the reasons why this or that can't happen.

This conversation was all about creating a brand identity for themselves. So I pushed them about thinking beyond business cards and resumes. So one smart a$$ made a comment about getting a branding iron. When I said "good idea" he thought I was nuts. Of course he made some comment about not being able to happen. I said I had one made for a client not too long ago - for burning their logo into custom wood crates.

I think what struck me is I need to rethink my own life.

Medusa - you brought up an interesting thing. You are right - I thought I knew similar things. MLC proves I know very little - LOL. And because I believed I somehow knew things, it led to monkey braining most days, which often proves fruitless and just leads to stress.

I am going to allow myself to dream a bit, take some risks possibly and balance it with some reality. (I am not going into my own MLC - LOL).

I am thinking a bit more about my own "Why not?" situations and I spent months in MLC overanalyzing things. I am going to embrace that little bit of me that has a need for spontaneity to balance out that really responsible side of myself. I used to allow a bit of reckless abandon to creep in - not in dangerous, reckless ways, but those impromptu trips, in my artwork and the occasional moment of not being a M and just being a woman who is more than just a M or XW. Again, not reckless in the overall sense, but embracing life and what it has to offer me. And if I make a few bad decisions along the way, I, like my student, will own them. That is the only way to learn and not make the same mistakes.  :)
« Last Edit: January 03, 2018, 07:56:03 AM by MourningDove »

Online Treasur

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #12 on: January 03, 2018, 07:56:54 AM »
Every time I read a post from you, Mourning, I come away calmer and with ideas and baby dreams. Thank you, needed that today x
BD - Oct 15, mostly silent vanishing husband, diagnosed with severe depression in Dec 15 & seeing psychiatrist/on ADs since then
OW since Apr 16, maybe earlier?
H filed Jan 17.
80/20 strategy for me in 2018

"her soul is fierce, her heart is brave, her mind is strong." R.H Sin
Grace is...Elegance, good will, unearned blessings, a prayer of thanks and how to address a duchess.
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #13 on: January 03, 2018, 08:17:53 AM »
LOL Treasur - I have to post it for myself - LOL. I sometimes find if I write it down I actually commit to it myself.

I have always been a "thinky" person. MLC took me to a different level of often non-productive thinking. I don't analyze every encounter or conversation, but I do listen more again for those moments I need to either listen to myself again or to my students.

I had a really hard time getting out of bed this morning because my dear friend gave me a down comforter. She is moving to a warmer climate and she had barely used it. I could never own one because XH would have occasional asthma attacks (of course in MLC he didn't have asthma - LOL). So, I stayed in bed and began my morning thinking about some of the posts I read last night - responses to mine and some others. But, the day had to get started, so I set those thoughts aside and dealt with "reality".

Most of these moments, I have learned don't really sink in with me until I remove myself from that moment and I go out for a walk. The thoughts I had this morning reappeared and maybe were a bit clearer once I processed my morning with my students. They teach me as much as I teach them if I listen. It may be my own words that come back to me, but I am embracing my own lessons sometimes.

I have to admit though, it is truly that whole William Shakespeare quote that keeps popping up in my life. I really find those moments of clarity when I remove myself from "civilization" and just go out for a walk and take in what nature has to offer me. For me it is probably like meditation is for some. I sometimes have to force myself to walk. This morning is bitterly cold, but I convinced myself to go and bundle up. There was a slight breeze, so wind chill was not as much of a factor. Once I get outside, I then try and turn off those things like lists of things that need to happen. I allow for just "being" or letting my thoughts wander a bit.

And, Treasur - those dreams are just that, baby dreams for me as well. Just little things that we can take for ourselves. It isn't about self absorption or neglecting our responsibilities. It is about saying it is okay to sometimes feed our own souls and being okay with failing at things. Not being able to continue to stand for my marriage and then to divorce felt like such huge failures.

I am trying to embrace the positive as much as I can. I can only control my own actions and reactions.  :)

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #14 on: January 03, 2018, 07:37:09 PM »
I had to work registration today. It worked out fine, but everyone I worked with was laughing because we had a large group, but there were 6 of us, so I ended up with 3 students to register. One with a major helicopter M.

We decided I had better not buy a lottery ticket today - LOL. I definitely would have lost. Holy moly - my co-advisors were great, they jumped in and helped. I ended up with the "problem children" and odd transcripts/complex transfers and of course the 3 students with some of the most complicated programs to accommodate as students coming in mid year. Add the overbearing helicopter M, who was determined to tell her S what classes he was taking because it is what she wanted. Luckily our Culinary prof came and took over there - he scares the crap out of everyone. (Love him - LOL - great guy, but no one messes with our own Gordon Ramsey).

It was a good afternoon. Originally, my S was going to my parent's house for dinner. He stuck to his plan. D was going to her boyfriend's for dinner. I finished registration early.

I got in the car and just started driving. I had things I need to do at home, but nothing that couldn't wait. I just wanted to escape being an adult for the evening. I love backroad driving, but I must admit, I actually like highway and city expressway driving if the traffic is moving. I needed a change of environment. I drove to one of the larger cities nearby and went up into areas where I have not been in a very long time. I needed the architecture fix. The light was perfect. I especially love one bridge I drove across. I really had no plan.

In the mean time, D called. Her plans changed and where was I. I felt a tinge of guilt and then told her where I was. She wanted to know when I was going to be home. I considered running right home, but it was early yet. I told her I would be home by 7 pm. She would be fine. I gave her some options - go to her grandparent's, stay home, etc. I worked through my guilt. I so rarely do this.

I drove to the bookstore and spent a couple of hours there. My friend texted me and asked what I was up to. He laughed at me, knowing normally this would not be something I really allow myself. He was glad I was taking time for myself. He said, besides, I might be snowed in with my kids at this rate. LOL - help ;)

I got home and D was in a good mood. She started to joke about her F's trip.

I will apologize ahead of time for those people in Florida. One that XH is headed that way - a storm and XH - terribly sorry. I am not laughing at the cold coming to everyone else in Florida and anywhere else, however I am enjoying it on a different level.

XH has always hated winter and needed to travel in the winter for a couple of weeks. We used to go as a family. In MLC land, no more family get aways. HE needed time away and there were always excuses as to why we couldn't go along. Every time he has gone during the MLC winter months the weather has not cooperated. One of the last trips he took that was quite memorable was during the month of February. He went away for 3 weeks. It was unseasonably warm here the entire time and freezing cold in the southeast. He drove back and arrived at night just as a major snow storm hit. He could barely get the antique truck he bought (MLC have to have purchase) trailered up the hill due to the ice and snow. He was not a happy camper.

So, now he is supposed to leave tomorrow. He made a big deal about how he "needs" a vacation. S reminded him he has taken multiple vacations over the past 5 years and added I haven't taken a single vacation. S was clearly not feeling too much sympathy. As I was sitting in the den, D had the weather report on. They are closing airports and talking about the freezing temperatures in the areas where he is traveling. I hope it is not his karma brining this to the south - LOL
« Last Edit: January 03, 2018, 07:41:34 PM by MourningDove »

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #15 on: January 03, 2018, 08:23:15 PM »
Oh goodness that is funny Dove.

My cousin lives in North Carolina and was posting to my brother in Alaska last night that NC was colder than Alaska.  Crazy weather!

My friend in Georgia had never seen snow before.  She is all sorts of thrilled about it.
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9711.0

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #16 on: January 04, 2018, 10:06:55 AM »
FaithWalker - it does feed my rather twisted sense of humor.  ::)

I have to laugh at it because the reality is really sad and depressing.

I always accepted XH's need to have adventures and his friends always said they could not believe I hadn't left him over the years, as most of their wives would have never tolerated some of his impulsive moments. It was part of what I loved about him at times.

When the kids were little he wanted to learn how to sky dive. He wanted me to go with him. I said I would go to watch, but one of us needed to be the responsible adult with 2 little ones. I went, watched him and cheered him along.

Same with the day he bought a motorcycle on a whim. I wanted no part of it. In some ways it was because I didn't trust him as a novice to just jump on back. By then early MLC had set in. He was ticked. I tried to remind him that when I was a kid a snowmobile tipped while I was on the back of it. Scared the crap out of me. I probably would have eventually gotten on it with him, but not after only passing his test.

The motorcycle was the first of I believe, 7, he suddenly accumulated. All vintage. Two remain here. Now he is talking about getting rid of the first one, as it is kick start. He made a huge deal about keeping that one in the divorce, claiming it was worth a ton of money. It is, the problem being those who can afford it have the same issue he is having with it - not exactly an easy thing to start and XH has back and leg problems stemming from a car accident years ago. And it is really gorgeous, design wise, but not comfortable to ride. So now apparently the Harley may end up back here.

The trip to Florida is in part XH running yet again. It became the norm this time of year. He claimed it was the weather, but there are so many other things that correlate with it. His M's illness, his parent's divorce, family birthdays (the ones where they used to have family celebrations) and the list goes on. It is just more running. We are coming up on what would have been his M's birthday, his F's birthday and the death of his B. Now, from what the kids tell me, XH's eldest B is not doing well. That was coming. He has had 2 bypass surgeries and they told him a third one was necessary 2 years ago. Add diabetes to the mix and for years refused to follow any of the doctor's recommendations for diet - no modifications at all. He has been a ticking time bomb for years.

I feel bad for XH in many ways. He is chasing dreams of a family that once was, which is has been fractured for years.

Yet, so busy chasing these things that were and may never be does none of us any good. Most of us learn that you cannot live in the past. You can learn from it. You can reflect upon it and maybe have moments of regret, but getting stuck there is the problem. You can't chase the past, only those dreams that be right in front of you.

This news of my BIL makes me sad for XH. I am preparing for the blowback on this. I anticipate this is going to fuel that MLC monster more. I could be wrong, but history has proven this to be the case.

Time to hunker down again.
« Last Edit: January 04, 2018, 10:10:00 AM by MourningDove »

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #17 on: January 04, 2018, 11:08:48 AM »
Let the rumors start - LOL.

I just got a call on my home phone from a "friend"  ::) (her assessment) who was driving by my house earlier. She works at XH's client's factory. She beeped as usual. I waved hello. At the time I was outside with a guy. Boy, did the questions come rolling out. I was not terribly forthcoming. None of her business.

The "guy" was my coworker. We had been at the new campus (next year's location) for a meeting. I live 3 miles from there and had forgotten my appointment book on the counter. My coworker texted me several minutes after I left. The weather was starting to turn and they were closing down the campus for the next couple of days. He texted me to let me know I had left it there. I was prepared to go back and get it. He said not to worry, he was driving back this way to grab the highway - which is not a lie. He would have to go this way. So, we were standing in the driveway and he simply was giving me the book and we were laughing about something from earlier. Simple as that.

There is no dirt, but I am now preparing myself for the inevitable. This woman will have quite the tale. She always does. If it matters she gave her approval  ::) and informed me he looks like the singer Dylan Scott (If she says so - LOL). OMG - good thing XH is out of town - LOL
« Last Edit: January 04, 2018, 11:28:58 AM by MourningDove »

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #18 on: January 04, 2018, 12:13:30 PM »
Oh boy, rumor mill will be flowing.  And when do you plan on showing up to regain your lost ground with this "Dylan Scott" look-alike on your arm?   ;D
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9711.0

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Online Treasur

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #19 on: January 04, 2018, 12:19:38 PM »
Ha, ha - love it  ;D
BD - Oct 15, mostly silent vanishing husband, diagnosed with severe depression in Dec 15 & seeing psychiatrist/on ADs since then
OW since Apr 16, maybe earlier?
H filed Jan 17.
80/20 strategy for me in 2018

"her soul is fierce, her heart is brave, her mind is strong." R.H Sin
Grace is...Elegance, good will, unearned blessings, a prayer of thanks and how to address a duchess.
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Mary A

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #20 on: January 04, 2018, 04:33:07 PM »
Happy New Year, MD!
M: 43
H 49
T : 26
BD: April, 2016
EA: discovered March,27, 2017. Lasted for about 6 months.

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #21 on: January 05, 2018, 05:24:37 AM »
Thank you ladies :)

We have been blasted by the bitter cold and got a "snow day" today. Most people are grumbling. While I don't like the bitter cold, I said to several people yesterday that I was not terribly upset about it. Shock came over some of their faces. I explained I was going to simply embrace it as if it was a vacation day - a true vacation day. The type of day where if I want to stay in bed all day, guilt free, I will. I might read or watch movies, or dance around my house. I don't know what my day will bring.

I do know that, I have shelter, I have food and I have water.

S had gone to take GF home and I made him stay there because the roads were bad. He is safe. D is fast asleep in her warm bed. My parents are home and have a generator. My sister called and they too are tucked in. So, aside from some horrible emergency, that God forbid could happen, I have little to worry about aside from the dog wanting to go out and play today. She loves the snow and cold.

I am just going to embrace the day for what it is. In fact, yesterday that was part of the conversation I had with my coworker. He was pissing and moaning about the snow and I told him my plan and my own mental shift in the matter. He stopped and said I was right. He texted last night after they announced the closings he was going to embrace having the day with his S, who has this weekend. So this morning he texted and thanked me for the attitude adjustment. His little one just crawled into bed with him and he wanted a book read to him :)

Now, I won't lie. I am not looking forward to going out in the bitter cold. It impedes my walks and if this weather prevents my walks for too long I may crawl the walls. But for today, I am going to convince myself that it is what I need.

As for the question about when my coworker and I are going out - we have been trying to figure that out. I am not backing out of it, but I am not in a rush to force it into some time slot. When I go, I plan on actually enjoying this meal.

In all honesty, I am also waiting until my friend moves. She leaves shortly and if time and the weather cooperate, I would like to spend time with her. Restaurantgate will be on the back burner until then. :)

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #22 on: January 05, 2018, 08:30:03 AM »
I don't look for conflict, nor do I like it. In the past, I was the peacekeeper quite often. During MLC I went the other way a bit and was rather feisty.

In college I had a bit of fight in me when necessary. I think there is a balance.

The funny thing is people don't always like that I have learned to say no or I actually push back a bit.

I got an email from the organization I do community classes for. They applied for a grant (the one I used to administer, so I am pretty familiar with it ::)). Now, on the one hand, I am grateful for the grant and know how much work it takes to apply for it, but a heads up that I was being included would have been a good start in my book.

All of these things are fine and did not create the conflict and my desire to push back just a wee bit.

The pushback came when the person who applied for the grant contacted me to let me know that she is in a bit of a bind and needs my resume, etc ASAP. Of course she does. I know with that grant that they would have wanted that supporting documentation with the application. She sent in my resume from a few years ago. With grants being very competitive this would not be the thing to do.

So now the lid is off. They put in dates and times and a budget for supplies. They are not trying to do anything underhanded, but are a group that believes they are "changing things up" and not doing anything by the old method of doing it. But, the reality is there needs to be BALANCE. Some of the old ways were honed and make sense. In addition, they don't want to ask for anyone's help, even when they know people exist in the organization that know a few things. That grant - yah, after 8 years, I could probably recite the entire application, since I had to redesign it for this region based on the parameters set forth. LOL.

So, in her great panic, this woman (the same woman from the cookbook) is now feeling her neck. She needs my resume, a materials list, and a budget for materials. The push back came when I decided a couple of things. I want a copy of the original request so I don't look like a flipping idiot and not know the numbers for budgeting and I am not going to jump right up and send this to her immediately. She told me she needs it by the 12th. I know because we are "snowed in" she thinks I will do it today and give her some relief.

Not feeling it. ;) I am going to channel my not so nice side and let her sweat a bit. Mean? Perhaps. But, I am kind of enjoying my "vacation" and not going to let life creep in.

I will deal with this tomorrow or Sunday.  ;)

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #23 on: January 06, 2018, 03:11:48 AM »
Maybe it was being snowed in, maybe it was me, but yesterday, I was clearly not having it, from anyone. I wasn't looking to argue and I wasn't starting arguments. (I did my own bit of self-reflection - I try and own my own behaviors, especially after MLC).

The first incident was with the community group. I am glad I did not rush to solve the problem, because part of my issue with it was I knew she had probably done her usual thing and whipped off emails and not checked them entirely. When she responded to me with my questions, she had to email me back and admit she made a mistake. Now, I was not looking to be right, it was wanting to do it right. I wasn't nasty with my answers to her email. I was professional, but firm. I still did not give her the resume, etc yesterday. It will get done way before her deadline.

The next incident was with Miss Management at the gallery. They have had a policy in place since the gallery's inception that if the a certain school district closes due to weather, the gallery closes as well. Miss Management has a second job and it is a retail chain that never closes. She was ticked she had to work yesterday, so called my coworker at the gallery who works mornings and somehow convinced the young woman to go in. She tried the same with me. She said that policy is meant for "extreme" conditions - LOL. Hmmmm- whiteouts, blizzard warnings and -30º F windchills are not extreme apparently. I let her know early in the morning I was not coming in. She tried to tell me otherwise. Nope. When I came back with "how do you think the owner will feel when we are wasting her money, since she will paying for staffing and heat. The rest of the shops are closed today (per my coworker's report), so I highly doubt we are selling any work today". She had to concede. It didn't matter, I told her I could not see across the street to my mailbox and I wasn't attempting driving in. She tried my other coworker who lives 3 miles from the gallery. That woman always is willing to come in. She is 75, the most respected woman in the gallery and she is a pistol. She sent me the response she sent to Miss Manners. She is incredibly refined, but can shock people when she gets ticked. The text she sent Miss Manners was "are you F--g nuts?". So, I was not alone in my "Nope, not happening today" mentality.

The next 2 incidents involved D and my M.

D came upstairs and asked what I was doing. When I told her, she was annoyed. She mentioned the dishes that were left on the counter in the kitchen from the night before needing washed. I looked at her and said "then do them, I am not dealing with them right now". Normally, D will do these things. She was ticked that some were left by S and his GF and she was tired of cleaning up after everyone else. I looked at her and said "welcome to my world". That did not go over well and probably was not my most gracious response, but the reality was there weren't that many dishes and I didn't really care at that time. I was enjoying my mini-vacation.

D and I had a bit of an argument and it boiled down to she was bored and wanted company. I told her she could come upstairs, but I was not changing my plans today for anyone. I had to remind her that I never do this. I am always up taking her to school or running around for everyone else. I needed a day to myself to fritter away if I so choose. She said she understood and decided it was okay and I was not ignoring her.

My M had started texting me at 6 am. First checking in on me making sure my furnace was working. That was very sweet of her and I called her, as I knew she was up. She asked what I was going to do with my day. I should have lied - LOL. She thought about all the things I could accomplish. She was busy already seizing the day. I told her I was going to stay in bed all day. She was of course worried I was sick. I explained I just wanted a day off to do absolutely nothing. That actually did not upset her. It was through the course of the day that she then felt the need to call me and chat. That too would have been fine. It was when she crossed a line that started to interrupt my day of trying to just "be".

She had been worried the day before about S being out on the roads. I agreed and said it bothered me, but it was done. He got home safe. End of story. She could not let go of it and the reasons he was out in the first place. Can we say, stubborn, teenage boy? I told her I lost that battle and prayed he would get home safely. He and I discussed it when he got home and he apologized and realized his stubborn behavior made others worry. But that had passed. I could feel myself getting aggravated and I finally told my M to let it go.

She was not happy with me telling her to let it go and somehow thought I should be still worried about this. She too finally got it, but it took me getting a bit forceful and telling her the truth of the matter. Maybe it is what I needed to really hear myself.

I told her I was done worrying about the past and things I cannot change. I expressed I had spent the last few months wondering what I could have done to avoid a divorce and save my marriage. It sucked the life out of me and changed nothing. I told her for months prior to that I obsessed about every interaction with XH when he was having his affair and wondered how I could have prevented it. My desire is to move forward and use the past as a  guide for what not to do in the future, but I am done obsessing over these things. I never was that way prior to MLC and I am not looking to go back. It was a waste of my time to worry about those things I could not change. I reminded her that I still have moments of wondering what I could have done differently with things in my life, but only as a tool to move forward, not to get stuck in the past.

Everything is resolved with everyone. But my sister called me later and when she asked what was going on, I told her about my "feisty" responses. She laughed as she knows most of the time I am pretty even tempered. She said people don't expect me to fight back and they should have left me alone to have my day of peace. She hung up quickly and said she would talk to me today as she knew I needed that guilty pleasure day.  :)

From there on out, I did hear from a few people and that was fine. I didn't mind the calls all day or the communication, but I just did not want to leave my bed. I was warm, and enjoying not having to be responsible. I was able to check out of my responsible life for the day and today it is back to reality and being a M. I am okay with that ;)

Online Thunder

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #24 on: January 06, 2018, 03:51:22 AM »
Sounds like it was a pretty well deserved day of vacation.

Glad you enjoyed it.   ;D

We don't have all the snow some places are getting it it sure is COLD!!!  Whew!  It's been below zero every morning this week.
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #25 on: January 06, 2018, 06:42:52 AM »
Thunder - I did enjoy the day of vacation. LOL.

At first I thought I was going to pay for it because my Chocolate Lab lives for these types of days. She saw snow and for the first hour of the day, I kept taking her out and she only wanted to stick her nose in the snow and wanted to play. She then would sit down and become very stubborn and trying to get 90lbs of dog up and going when she has dug all four of said "heels" in is nearly impossible. At some point she had to really go out and I am not sure if it was the cold wind or what, but she decided she was having none of it and spent the entire day asleep on my bed. I let her stay upstairs all night, as her room has tile floors and was a bit too cold even for her. This morning, while I was in the shower, I closed the bedroom door, but not tight enough and she unmade the bed and is under the down comforter. LOL

We really haven't accumulated tons of snow. If anything, it is blowing around and causing the white outs. I think my region only has about 6 inches on the ground at the moment, which is not much. Living in my weird microclimate is a blessing. Go an hour or two in any direction and they have considerably more. In fact, it is rather amusing that where XH decided to settle (the man who claims to hate snow) is now living within 10 minutes of 2 ski resorts. LOL

I decided to be nice and ask the kids if their F made it to Florida safely. D shrugged and said she had not heard from him. S told me later that yes, he had in fact flown out right before all of the flights were cancelled.

The interesting nugget that came out is who he is staying with.

I encouraged him over the years to spend time with his family and to seek out his cousins, if that is what he wanted. He put it off. He was very close to his M's side of the family growing up, but that ended to a degree when his parent's divorced. MIL's family stayed in touch with XH's sister and the B who passed away, but the rest of the siblings looked (XH included) like their F, so there was this odd division. The 3 brunettes (XH included) all noticed the split and knew there was some odd thing.

XH has 2 B's still living in Florida. He is staying with neither one. I am pretty sure he is not staying with BIL who D stays with because from all accounts that is now a very strained situation. In fact, when XH was here I mentioned something about BIL and SIL coming to visit sometime and he said they never come up this way. Clearly he has not been told they are planning on coming up in February to see the kids. I said nothing. XH has also not been let in on the fact that my college president knows BIL. Why this is a bit telling is that BIL and XH were incredibly close and very similar.

Right at BD, XH met a cousin on his F's side. XH never really knew too many of his F's side of the family. They never travelled to see his F's family, etc. He had one uncle he knew well, but beyond that - not too much. His F has a huge extended family. I was happy he had connected with a family member and they had hit it off. This cousin is the same age. He has his own place and a GF, but his M makes him all of his meals and does his laundry, etc. XH was jealous of his lifestyle and said he was lucky, as this cousin travels whenever he wants, etc. I remember thinking to myself - yup and his M is not going to be around forever. Then what?

I think what struck me is my S's comment. He said that he is glad his F is getting to know his relatives, but he seems more interested in that than maintaining relationships with his siblings or his kids. Ouch.

It is not filling my head and I am not going to overanalyze it, but I think it is just very indicative of what so many see - their MLCers trying to find something, but always looking ONLY on the outside of things. It seems XH is still just dealing with the demons and surface things. In the meantime, the kids are starting to wear down, just as I did.

MLC destruction that continues. Maybe not at the same rate as BD or with the same massive blow, but certainly chipping away at that foundation.
« Last Edit: January 06, 2018, 06:46:59 AM by MourningDove »

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #26 on: January 06, 2018, 07:06:27 AM »
Sounds like it was a pretty well deserved day of vacation.

Glad you enjoyed it.   ;D

We don't have all the snow some places are getting it it sure is COLD!!!  Whew!  It's been below zero every morning this week.

Oh Thunder, LOL!  I'm three hours north of you and again this morning it was -27 degrees Fahrenheit! I'm so over it!   :(

Glad you got that day for you, MD! 
After all, tomorrow is another day.

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #27 on: January 06, 2018, 08:02:40 AM »
Sounds like it was a pretty well deserved day of vacation.

Glad you enjoyed it.   ;D

We don't have all the snow some places are getting it it sure is COLD!!!  Whew!  It's been below zero every morning this week.

Oh Thunder, LOL!  I'm three hours north of you and again this morning it was -27 degrees Fahrenheit! I'm so over it!   :(

Glad you got that day for you, MD! 

Thank you :)

And that type of cold you are describing is exactly why that commission will be installed in the Spring/Early summer - LOL.

S had to work this morning as he willingly took on the role of making sure certain maintenance was done at the millwork. The other guys don't want to plow out the driveway or maintain the vehicles. S's phrase to me yesterday was "I have a job. Things need to keep running in order to make other things happen and I am part of a team". He likes plowing, but the tractor would not start in this cold. He was outside for an hour and a half just trying to get it up and running. He was home 3 hours later and looked tired. I told him to go back to bed. He was a bit surprised since there is plenty to do around here. I told him there was nothing that could not wait until later. He is fast asleep and the dog was happy to join him on his bed.

D is fast asleep still. Typical teenager. LOL

I went out and got yesterday's mail, which I forgot about. It had the deed transfer in there and a breakdown of the fees. I had to laugh at the cost of some of the services, but I am glad I have that. It went in the safe. While I was filing it away, I came across XH's birth certificate. This is a bit funny because he came in early in the process and took tons of paperwork out of the safe. Luckily, I was at least on my toes a bit by then and the only things in the safe were actually copies of original documents that affected both of us. I had made copies of everything and put them in a safe place. By then I didn't trust XH and the "advice" OW was giving him. But, in his haste his birth certificate is in there.

Even funnier, in a sense is the story of that birth certificate and how it came to be. When his parents divorced, he was the only one home. His M gave all of the documents early on to the other kids when they moved out. She went on a complete reactionary purge and burned some things and then gave all sorts of antiques away, etc. XH got nothing and not even his siblings got much of anything except for now deceased BIL, who was the "golden child" at that time. Most of the things went to MIL's sister and her children, for whatever reason. It was largely in part due to the fact that XH at that time was living briefly with FIL so that he could finish his senior year. His M had moved out of the school district. But, she saw this as a huge betrayal, so XH was essentially living in enemy camp.

The birth certificate was necessary for his transfer to the 4 year college he wanted to go to and to get a passport so that he could study abroad. He suddenly realized it was no one had it. He had to try and get information on which hospital he was born in, all he knew was it was in NYC. This was still when they used microfilm and it took some doing. I took on the task of tracking it down. I found out he was born at a now non-existent military hospital and they sent us a copy, but it was quite an undertaking.

It was the reason, later when the kids were born I had additional official copies made of their birth certificates and placed them in a safe deposit box so that if there were ever some tragedy, ie: fire or flood, etc we would not have the hassle. They came in handy over the years when the kids would need documents for school. I had the original safe and sound.

So, XH's birth certificate had been reissued over 30 years ago. His sister lived 45 minutes away from us and we saw her frequently. Never did she mention she actually had the document. She gave it to XH when she was getting ready to move to New England and days before he moved out. She said she knew she had it and felt she was the keeper of the family history and documents since her M had passed. I remember thinking this was a bit odd, that she had never at least mentioned it to XH. It also made me realize that my SIL had become the family matriarch in her own mind. Today, I realize how this all fits into the FOO issues XH and his siblings are caught up in.

I will give XH his birth certificate. It is not mine to keep and I will not be the keeper of his precious documents. He so wants his freedom, he needs to be responsible for his own things.

Offline Reallytrying

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #28 on: January 06, 2018, 08:10:31 AM »
I love that you fought for your day. Every now and then those types of days are so rejuvenating.  D and I have had a string of lazy days this week and they were just what we needed.  Don't feel any guilt about taking those days sometimes - even without the snow to force them.  We all need time that is just about us occasionally.

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #29 on: January 06, 2018, 11:32:31 AM »
Thank you Reallytrying. I do need to allow for those moments. I tell myself that often, but don't always listen to myself. It has been something I have come to struggle with over the years. Prior to having kids and a family, I allowed myself down time.

I would say my "guilt" is multifaceted. Part of that responsible adult coming out. Some is because I know how much I have to do. Being a M has added some and then the last ingredient is no doubt residual from the MLC and so many things I did "wrong" that holds me back at times. And the reality is, I should not feel guilt for needing to recharge.

As I was flipping through the channels before settling on a documentary I had been wanting to watch. Right before changing over to Netflix I stumbled upon a sermon by Joel Osteen and it was the tale end, but the words I heard just before I was ready to change the channels were "we need balance". I listened long enough to hear the part of the sermon that said balance is what gives us the power to keep moving and being strong people - and better people in essence.

I do need balance and staying in bed just because was what I needed.  :)

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #30 on: January 06, 2018, 01:29:55 PM »
It was a good thing my dear friend called me when she did. She caught me and had a request to come help her tomorrow and it helped me balance myself. Sort of a "reality check".

I have been cleaning today and continuing my purge. I am keeping the things from the happier parts of my marriage for now. Those are memories, like the photographs and little things that I still have from those people who are no longer in my life - my grandparents and other people that have passed or some of the things from friends I had when I lived abroad. But, some things that came at BD are going. There is no question in my mind. I came across a box and in it were two cards from the last Father's Day XH was here. D made him a lovely card. I handed her the box of things. She fished out what she wanted, but the Father's day card torn in half. I guess that says a lot. The card I gave him was also in there and I opened it and read it. The words I wrote at the time were heartfelt and genuine, but I am not sure they penetrated that MLC brain of his.

As I waded through the box the phone rang. I made the mistake of answering it without checking the Caller ID.

My F has a cousin who is the epitome of bat$h!te crazy. She was a brilliant author and as a kid she brought me wonderful books and introduced me to Christina Rossetti's poetry when I was 8. It remains one of my favorite books in my library with lovely illustrations, etc. None of us realized she was not well until her F died. They had protected her for years, hiding her bipolar disorder or schizophrenia, we are not sure exactly what it is. She ended up accumulating over 100 cats and then losing her family home after her M died. She chose to live in her car for years.

People tried to help her for years and often would be upset when they found out I no longer would help. But, I knew her tact. She would call and seem lucid. She would have a great idea for a collaboration, and then it would go down hill. One local couple invited her into their home for Christmas a few years ago and she ended up barricaded in one of their bedrooms for 2 weeks. They had to have her arrested. I have had to have her removed from my home, when she scared my kids years ago. She is not dangerous, just crazy, but as the doctors have said, she is able to hold it together long enough to fool people, so it is not possible to commit her. And, she does not see anything wrong with the way she lives.

Do I have some of her qualities, yes, artistically it would seem, but when XH told me at BD I would be just like her, I didn't think about this logically. I remember going to my F and crying. He laughed and said that would be some genetic feat, since her grandmother was also not well and since I was not related to her grandmother or mother by blood he didn't think I had to worry. He was right, but at that point I believed every thing XH was accusing me of. I was so battered and bruised by MLC and BD I held onto every word that came out of XH's mouth.

Hearing her voice today right after finding those cards sent me on a mini-cycling moment.

It has passed and I am okay. I called the police department, not to report her as such, but because I do have a huge heart and I may know she is bat$h!te crazy, but she is not well. The chief of police knows how complex this situation is - she chooses to be homeless and the call is no doubt because she is cold and out of food. He will arrest her or he will put her up in the local hotel (usually on his own dime) because we do not have homeless shelters here in the local villages. He will do it out of the kindness of his heart and keep her from freezing. We have given her food and money in the past and she spends it on storage units for the "family valuables" which none of us have any clue as to what she is talking about.

Like MLC, it is hard to watch others not want to deal with their own things. But then it also comes down to self preservation. I know I cannot allow her to creep into my life. I have a home to protect and my children.
« Last Edit: January 06, 2018, 01:38:18 PM by MourningDove »

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #31 on: January 06, 2018, 06:36:08 PM »
Do I have some of her qualities, yes, artistically it would seem, but when XH told me at BD I would be just like her, I didn't think about this logically. I remember going to my F and crying. He laughed and said that would be some genetic feat, since her grandmother was also not well and since I was not related to her grandmother or mother by blood he didn't think I had to worry. He was right, but at that point I believed every thing XH was accusing me of. I was so battered and bruised by MLC and BD I held onto every word that came out of XH's mouth.

I can empathize with you on that one.  MLCers Uncle (RIP) had an ex-wife that seemed to only come around all of us when she wanted something.  When my H's grandmother died, she left my H and I one of her vintage cookbooks that was apparently quite hard to come by.  She continually tried to get her hands on it.  When I moved out, I took my cookbook stand with me to put in storage and separated his cookbooks from mine.  I sadly parted with two recipe card holders that his grandmother gave me and left them with him, along with a stack of cookbooks in the cupboard.  I am sure that I put that cookbook there as well, but after the D he accused me of taking it and reminded me that it was the one that "Uncle's ex-wife tried to get her mitts on" and I felt that he insinuated that I was just like her.  I told him that if it ended up in my box in storage, it was not on purpose, but overlooked as something maybe passed down from my family.  One could hardly fault me for not being able to think straight at the time as I worked alone to box up the kitchen the night before the kids and I moved out.

Later, I spoke up for myself and told him that I am nothing like his Uncle's ex-wife and he validated me, seeming a bit taken aback that I would think that.

Pretty sure that he hadn't bothered looking in that cupboard to see those cookbook/recipe items until later when he got ready to pack his stuff up to move, as he never mentioned it again.  9 months later, when I unpacked in my town home I was sure to check over all the cookbooks and sure enough, I had left it behind all along.

I hope that the chief of police can help your F's cousin.
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9711.0

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #32 on: January 06, 2018, 07:04:55 PM »
FaithWalker - Thank you. I am sorry you endured a similar situation. It is not an easy thing.

This cousin is definitely not well and for that I have compassion. She has been very fortunate that people have helped her over the years. She has a monthly income that could more than cover a lovely apartment, but she instead rents 3 storage units and can no longer drive, so she is not in her car anymore. They have placed her in housing situations over the years, which she ultimately gets kicked out of because she always does something to get kicked out. The police chief does what he can to keep her from freezing. This summer she tried to use my parents address for her checks, etc. We put a stop to that. Last summer she had someone drop her off at a relative's house. We have all cut our ties with her. After 30 years of this, it isn't going to change unless she decides to get help.

After saying those words to me, XH denied ever saying it later. I suspect he doesn't remember. In fact, I think that is what got to me the most today. It was part of a bigger rant. It was right at the tail end of the reconciliation. I believe he was struggling with his own decision to go back with OW. He had been drinking, heavily all day, which was incredibly unusual. He wanted me to drop my married name, compared me to this cousin, told me I would be just like his M and then called me a c--t - a word that he would have never uttered to any woman, especially me. The whole night was devastating.

The timing today of finding the cards and followed by the phone call probably were just the toxic mix to set my mind rolling a bit.

I am better. Spent the night with both kids, just relaxing and going through boxes. Making progress.  :)

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #33 on: January 07, 2018, 08:57:50 PM »
I recuperated from the mini-cycling very quickly. I really was not so terribly upset about the cards and such. I never really broke down in tears, just could feel the stress rise in me.

My cousin calling just heightened the stress that was already in the house. D had gotten her letter from her 1st choice. She got in, but not into her program of choice. It is an exploratory program and then she can reapply next year. It is all because of her Sophomore year and MLC plus the injury derailing her academics.

Frankly, I am trying to look at it as a positive as best I can and have told her we will call the rep and make an appointment to talk to him about what this means.

I think the call from my cousin, as I have had some time to reflect on it was really more of that feeling of on the one hand, the terrible things XH said about me and on the other being left alone to deal with everything as the only adult in the house. It all falls on me and it is exhausting at times.

But, today was a fresh day.

The first part of the day is in many ways amusing. As anticipated the rumors have started. It is not that it is so much small town, as the town that this is coming from, where the factory is, is not small at all. But the factory employs enough people that know people I know, that it was bound to happen. And remarkably, I really am not too upset. The difference is, they are rumors and I know the truth for starters and at least it is not the same character assassination variety that I can't even see how they started short of XH and OW making things up.

Sure enough, that exchange of my appointment book got around quickly. The only contact made between my coworker and I was I think I might have grazed his hand when I reached for the book- LOL There was no hug goodbye, kiss, handshake - LOL. Laughter and talking, yes, but that pretty much sums it up.

But, the rumor mill needed some fuel, so I am the topic at the moment.  ::) Toxic aunt ran into the woman who drove by my house. My aunt got the "full story" and I am a "cougar" running around with a really handsome, young man. My aunt called my M (she knows better than to call me or my sister any more). My M ripped into her apparently. This is new, as my M is the peacekeeper with my aunt. My M told my aunt that first of all I was now divorced and at 50 I was old enough to make my own decisions. Secondly, it was no one's business and it wasn't like I was "screwing him" in the driveway (her words - which still has me in shock) and then she added - "even if she was, the kids were not home and it is her house and her rules". Go M.

Now, the factory was closed with the snow and weekend, so tomorrow should just be more talk and I am preparing to hold me head up high and not worry about it. Let them talk. At least this time, I have a heads up.

My friend called last night and asked me if I could come and help her with packing up some boxes. Of course I went.  :) I was glad the weather cooperated and we made quick work out of the pile and then went to lunch. Back to the apartment and she showed me some things, one being a vintage cookbook which was really cool, but we laughed at some of the very now "dated" images of a bygone era.

Then, we went on to some other topics, which as always migrated from work, MLC XH's, her new place, my kids, my rumor, history, and art history were crammed in there. Most of the time we were laughing our butts off and she had gotten a bottle of Prosecco which we almost could not get open, making us laugh harder. I was there for several hours.

I know this is the right move for my friend. We talked at length about her new place and she is clearly excited. I won't say I am thrilled, as I will miss her terribly. That said, like all of those that I let into my guarded inner circle - the ones I share my deepest thoughts with - I am beyond happy for her. All I ever want for my friends is to be truly happy. That fuels my soul :)

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #34 on: January 07, 2018, 09:52:17 PM »
Oh geez, of course it had to get to toxic Aunt, didn't it?   ::)

Glad that you had a good time with your friend!
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9711.0

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #35 on: January 08, 2018, 02:59:13 AM »
FaithWalker - yes, I knew my toxic Aunt would be in the loop. This woman knows her well and they have a gift, luckily my M does not - gossip. One of the biggest issues I have always had with toxic Aunt is the gossip. On the positive side, she will be fiercely protective of me on the flip side and probably ripped the woman to shreds. My M's reaction was the most surprising. Not her anger, but her choice of words and my F said she was fuming. That must have been a new one for my Aunt.

It is all fine. I really do not care ultimately. I know the truth and those who know me would not care one way or the other. Those have been my true friends and if nothing else, it has weeded out a lot of negative people in my life during the MLC. I don't miss the negativity at all.

Kind of wishing I had another snow day though. The comforter my friend gave me is really way too cozy and it is tempting to stay in bed longer. Although it looks like a heat wave is coming through. I think we are up to 10º F already - LOL

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #36 on: January 08, 2018, 07:31:30 AM »
Getting back into the swing of things on a Monday is hard enough for my little band of pirates at school. Add a snow day the week before and a holiday next week and good luck. Of course "Murphy" joined the group today and the presentation I had planned did not happen the way I anticipated because the projection system got messed up.

Okay - on the fly it was. And maybe it was a good thing. They were squirrely and willing to test my patience. They poked and got a surprise. I wasn't nasty, but when one of them made some comment about the way I wanted them to do something that did it. My group has toned down their language a bit and I am mindful of mine, but sometimes they need a shock. In a normal classroom I would never do this dance, but this crew is completely different. When I turned on my heels and said to them "I know, you think I am making you do this because you think I somehow want to be some controlling b*tc#". (My coworker had to leave the room he was trying not to laugh). That shut them up and then I said clearly that had their attention, so now why do they think I wanted them to follow a certain protocol. I got some good answers and my shock "therapy" worked on them today. Their answers were not in any way wrong, but when I said none of those reasons, ie: it makes my life easier (it does in the scheme of things) and said it came down to 2 things - learning how to use the software for it's strengths and by doing so increasing earning potential. Money got their attention, especially when I broke down a project that I did twice for a client. I designed the original and then they asked for an updated version the next year. I gave my students the monetary breakdown and suddenly one student said - "wait on the first round you made only $20 an hour, but the second round it worked out to $1000 an hour. He was correct. I said it was rare, but if you built things properly on the front end and take the time sometimes it works out in your favor.

They paid attention and the discussion came to why I do what I do and not go back to making that kind of money. I did not give them all the things in life that derailed that, but I did give them an honest answer that life is full of surprises and choices. I told them quite frankly, I don't miss that life. I am happier now struggling than I was making that type of money. I will do it from time to time, but it sucks the life out of me.

I had with me some of my portfolio pieces. I don't like to show these off that much. I am proud of them, but underneath it all I am pretty humble and hide from attention. My students said I should get my name out there. I laughed and said, been there, done that. This discussion led to building a name for yourself and networks. I guard my networks, closely. They really don't impress me all that much, but at times I will let things seep out if it leads to some greater good. In this instance I knew I needed to get the kids to see that we rub elbows with people all the time that maybe we have no idea that they lead to someone else, etc. Sort of the don't dismiss someone because they live where they do, etc. I told them I made a conscious choice to move back here. I told them to look up a two names - a S and his F. They were not sure where I was going with this. When they looked up these two names their eyes got wide and saw the network of connections they had. They are not a well known name to the general public, but incredibly well regarded in the industry. One student made some smarta$$ remark about me pulling the wool over their eyes and there is no way I knew these guys. Game on. I pulled up my personal email and showed them a bunch of photos. Photos of myself with these 2 at the S's youngest S's Bar Mitzvah and I let them read the email. Nothing that was going give away their information as I had hidden their addresses.

The conversation went to how I knew them. I said I met the S in college. He and my XH became friends. I met his F at an event and that was that. I know them and genuinely like them for who they are and not what they do, but I know who they could put me in touch with if I wanted that from them. I don't. It does not interest me. That said, I also guard them closely, as they have been wonderful friends over the years. I would never jeopardize what I have built as solid friendships to ride on their coattails.

The point I made to the kids was when I met the S, I had no idea who he was and who his F was. I knew him as "H". He will always be "H" to me and the guy who married a wonderful woman and has 2 great kids. They have been to my house countless times and inspite of the divorce, we remain close. The bigger point, was you never know who you are going to meet and how they impact your life.

On my way home, what really struck me is there are parts of that life I miss at times. The money would be nice to not have to struggle right now. But, I realize I had let go of much of that even before MLC hit. It wasn't fueling my desire to paint or create. I found more inner peace by just taking in simpler things. I would still love to be able to afford traveling, but the whole rubbing elbows with this person or that person that I may not even care for because they are "known" to the world just was not really all that interesting. I like substance in a person. Many of these people were shallow and quite vapid. I would have been happier at some of these events talking to the custodian who had real stories to tell.

What has been an ongoing thought is at one point when we lived a simpler life, we had some of the same networks of friends, but we didn't use them. It was in MLC that XH became obsessed with the networks we had made. He wanted the "lifestyle". As I have thought about this today, I remembered both his M and F became that way. My deceased BIL made lots of "famous" connections, and lived the "lifestyle" and that got him an early grave. My other BIL, the one D is so close to has more heavy hitters in his corner than I could ever list, yet he is not impressed by their status nor does he flaunt it. He is happy in his quiet life. As XH tries to pursue this facade his own real world is crumbling around him and yet he still doesn't see that the path to happiness is not necessarily fame and money.

My own reality is how after this whole conversation with the students and thinking about my "world" - I like the simplicity. If I had been given a choice to go rub elbows with the "perceived elite" or to pack boxes with my friend yesterday, I know with no question I would find myself battling that roll of tape and laughing the whole time.

Maybe in some ways that is the silver lining. By letting go of XH in his crisis, I let go of that world. I am learning I like my simple life.
« Last Edit: January 08, 2018, 07:37:07 AM by MourningDove »

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #37 on: January 08, 2018, 11:43:02 AM »
It would seem I find my messages not by reading tea leaves, but on the tags of tea bags :)

I had just taken the dog for a walk. It is the first walk I have taken her on in several days, as it has been way too cold with the wind chill. She was beyond thrilled, but it wore her out.

I came in and made a cup of tea. D bought me loose tea for Christmas, but I was too lazy to measure it out. (Lame, I know - LOL).

I allowed myself some down time and on the tag it read "There is pleasure in the pathless woods". It is a line from a poem by Lord Byron. Not one I was familiar with. So, to fuel my nerd need for information, I looked it up.

“There is a pleasure in the pathless woods,
There is a rapture on the lonely shore,
There is society, where none intrudes,
By the deep Sea, and music in its roar:
I love not Man the less, but Nature more,
From these our interviews, in which I steal
From all I may be, or have been before,
To mingle with the Universe, and feel
What I can ne’er express, yet cannot all conceal.”

Lord Byron

It was exactly how I was feeling today :) I guess I will have to pay more attention to the great wisdom my tea bags are bestowing upon me.  :)

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #38 on: January 08, 2018, 01:04:13 PM »
I felt a twinge of guilt. It's gone.

A check arrived in the mail for a tax reimbursement on the property made out to XH or myself. No and in that check. Clearly or.

I considered telling him about it. I looked at the date on the time frame. Technically he was still on the deed. However, he had essentially moved out - staying at the cottage on the weekends. By then and had quit paying the mortgage. Something I was too stupid to kick him out over that and had I been on top of things and started the divorce I would have nailed him for abandonment. But, I wasn't ready to do that and in essence I am in a better place.

My guilt was very short lived. I see no reason to share in this. I will consider part of it is for the deed transfer he was supposed to pay for.

Of course it is not fun money, just unexpected money and I will be paying my attorney another installment with it. But, a nice thing to get in the mail today.  :)

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #39 on: January 08, 2018, 02:54:45 PM »
Catching up with your story MD. 
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8451.80 (Denjef's thread)

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #40 on: January 08, 2018, 06:39:39 PM »
I love reading about your stories with your interactions with your students.

When I went with my H to some of his fancy political things, I also would have rather traded stories with the janitor.

Great poem by Lord Byron. 

That tax reimbursement definitely belongs to you.  I'm glad it was (or) on there and not (and).
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9711.0

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #41 on: January 08, 2018, 07:04:18 PM »
SF -  :) I follow along with your madness as well ;)

FaithWalker - My students are the source of great frustration, great joy and provide me with so many opportunities to grow myself. Most have dealt with more in their lives than I ever will. They are a challenge, but in a good way. It helps that I have a coworker who is there to be a true work team member and a positive male role model. I know I have learned so much from my students and it is not lost on me what a gift they are.

I have learned it doesn't matter what a person does. My F always pounded that into my head and I knew it, but I think for awhile I forgot. I too was dazzled by the fame and fortune. There are some people that I admire that have money and prestige, but ultimately it is a person's core that attracts me. Character is worth more than money any day. I often felt like the events were a masked ball and yet there were no costumes. If I am going to go to a masquerade, at least let me go in costume and really pretend. LOL

I love the poem. I am glad I took the time to look it up.  :)

The check being an OR is huge. Thank goodness. The last time I got a check made out to both of us it was an AND. That was the escrow reimbursement and that was a dicy transaction. Yes, I paid all of the taxes and mortgage the year that this reimbursement is referring to, so as far as I am concerned it is mine. The OR makes things so much easier at the bank. LOL

D had a migraine last night and didn't sleep at all. She hates missing school, but I told her to rest today. It was stress related, I am sure. I called the school nurse. If you have never had a migraine it is not a "shake it off" headache. A nurse would know this. Our school nurse is a space cadet to begin with. Nice lady, but all of the parents joke if you have paperwork to give her, make triplicates. The office makes additional copies because they know she is notorious for loosing things. She told me that D should just shake it off. I wanted to be nasty this morning and tell her, sure and go ram a screw driver thru your temple and let me know how that feels. (I didn't - I just wasn't feeling too nice). D has not missed much school in the past two years and is at the top of her class, I don't think one day is going to be a problem.

D slept most of the day and then was up mid afternoon. She felt better and had to go to the Orthopedic this afternoon. The rest did her well. She was in a great mood and said she thinks the migraine this time was stress related.

Xh has been texting her and she shared the texts. Trying to make D feel guilty for the most part. Begging, pleading, then monitoring back to "I love you and I miss you". He sounds like a teenage love sick boy, to be honest.

We were home and the kids came up to the kitchen while I cooked dinner. We had music on and I was busy making chicken with a balsamic reduction. They were dancing around and the laughter was contagious. Nothing seemed to matter. I was so busy laughing I overcooked the balsamic reduction and made balsamic caramel. Tasty, but not exactly the consistency. My coworker texted me to let me know he sent a file over. I mentioned the "caramel". He told me how to fix it. The kids thought this was funny that I have a chef on speed dial - LOL. I owe him fresh coffee tomorrow morning.

I wanted to cry listening to the kids' laughter. The tears would be for XH and knowing what he is throwing away. Those funny moments where S was perched against the corner cabinets and laughed so hard he hit his head on the cabinet, which sent him in to laughing harder.

Earlier I was feeling tired of being the only responsible adult as I drove off to the doctor, but the laughter negated that feeling almost immediately. The laughter is my reward for having to always be here.  :)

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #42 on: January 08, 2018, 08:01:40 PM »
The laughter is my reward for having to always be here.  :)

Yes!  That's it exactly.

I love those moments with my kids.
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9711.0

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #43 on: January 09, 2018, 03:16:24 PM »
FaithWalker - those moments are so important to embrace.  :)

I had mentioned to my friend that I had come across some "evidence" I had in the file box when XH moved out. I haven't thrown it out yet. Once D hits 18, I will probably dispose of it, but I put it back in the dreaded box of unhappy memories and pushed it to the back of the closet.

In the box were receipts XH threw away in the household garbage and I began to fish out when I had my wits somewhat about me, as he was spending money like mad and working on his escape, and yet paying for nothing at home. No money for groceries, etc. I honestly would not have cared about most of it -- I was managing, but the lack of supporting his kids was where I drew the line.

Amongst the papers were blueprints for the cottage and a book of passwords for XH's accounts. He left them behind during his quick escape. I never used them, but I had them and they were all changed from what they were. We never had secrets from each other, as there was never any need. I respected his privacy and he mine. If there had been any question we shared. This was a new book and the one that hit me hard, was that he had changed his email password, just prior to the PA. He had made his new password the OW's initials and now as I looked at it the clarity of what that password really signified was the fact that he had already placed a time frame on his escape - well before telling me, as the remaining numbers in the password were a target date.

It isn't bothering me, but this was done during our reconciliation. I don't think XH was entirely dishonest about trying to work things out. I believe he wrestled for a bit and ultimately OW still lurking in the background did not help matters. He was nowhere near ready to reconnect in all honesty.

What has been rolling around in my head as of late is maybe this is why I can never go back to that point and reconnecting is not something I can ever see. I know OW is a symptom, but in my case, I know the feeling of that second BD and in reality I know too many details about the affair. I saw the emails OW sent - very explicit recounting of their trysts. Things they did, etc. I now believe that part of that reconciliation I was part of that fantasy and it was not me XH was always thinking about. I forgave the affair once, but OW came back into the picture.

Forgiving would not be the problem. Forgetting is the problem. I don't know that I would ever truly be able to let go of that underlying fear. I also know what OW looks like and too many of those details. Because I know the details, the idea that in those most intimate moments that OW might be in his thoughts would haunt me. I monkey brained that when I realized that during our reconciliation that is what was going on. It shattered what little trust there was left.

I know myself. That is the one thing, as a person who operates in that "inner circle" mindset is something I don't think I would ever be able to fully let go of. It is different than having dated someone and thinking about that first kiss. This was someone I let into my innermost circle and thoughts and that level of trust for me is not something I allow access to easily.

This really came about as I drove by one of their places they used to meet. It didn't upset me the way it used to. It is just another place.

I am still on a quest to reclaim parts of my life. I have come to believe in my case, XH and reconnecting would be unhealthy for me. If there had not been that second BD, maybe I would have felt differently.

I think I am just forgiving myself for not standing and somehow letting go of those last bits of guilt. I still pray for XH, but not for my marriage. I pray he finds his own path now and one that includes his children. I am okay with having to follow my own path now.
« Last Edit: January 09, 2018, 03:25:02 PM by MourningDove »

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #44 on: January 09, 2018, 05:04:09 PM »
Quote
I am okay with having to follow my own path now.

And this says more in one sentence about mirror work and healing and recovery than all the books combined...

THIS is the point where we get to CHOOSE because we are okay with following our own path....

Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 10
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
No legal action to date

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #45 on: January 09, 2018, 07:01:33 PM »
Great reflective post MD, we have to look back over what's happened, piece it altogether in and effort to move on.

It's a pity you know so much about the OW, and I have been spared that for the most part.  I am sure if had all the details I'll intimate parts of their relationship, it would play like a record in my head.

The trust thing is interesting but if we actually believe it is midlife crisis, we know that the man he becomes later is nothing like the person in crisis and will return to what they were before with hopefully some improvements.  I understand that the level of deception is difficult to get past along with all lies and this is part of what I grapple with as well.  Is he the sort of man I want to be with in the future after all he has done?

This is a question I cannot answer at the moment but do hope to be able to in the future.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8451.80 (Denjef's thread)

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #46 on: January 09, 2018, 08:15:25 PM »
Thank you UM and SF.

I have been really thinking about these little pieces that are falling into place a great deal. The drive past one of OW's and XH's places today was not planned and unlike months ago, I really didn't think about it. In the past, I avoided any route that had the OW stamp on it. Today, there were no tears. The funnier part was I had been flipping through the radio stations at the time. (I left the CDs at home and my bluetooth was misbehaving). One might say fate stepped in and the song that came on was "Girl Crush" which I had heard for the first during the time the PA had begun. It used to send me right over the edge, for understandable reasons. Today, I didn't freak out, no tears and simply let it play.

If I didn't have all of the details and trust me, they were incredibly graphic I might feel differently. XH's responses were tame, but OW sent photos of herself, you name it. Having met her, etc. I just know way too much. It took me a very long time to let go of the feelings of realizing that when we were "reconciling" that it was not me that XH was probably thinking about most of the time. It did play like a recording and I think that has faded, but the reality is it would probably never really go away.

Maybe I am wrong and by some miracle I could be swayed somehow, but I just don't see how I could ever forget those images. Forgiving him is not the issue I have. It never was. It really is the knowledge I have and being BDed a second time with the same OW.

But, who knows. MLC was a shock, who knows what turns life will bring. I am just not looking for reconnecting with my XH anymore.

Tonight I took D to help my friend. D needed Community Service points for her Government class. Originally D was going to go to a school board meeting, but with her migraine that did not happen. My friend was kind enough to find things for D to do. D helped by packing up some of my friend's things for her move. D was more chatty than usual and seemed more relaxed. I never know how she is going to be around my friend. She really likes my friend, but D is moody at times and doesn't always appreciate my friend and I laughing at some things. Tonight, D was quite funny on and off. She actually asked my friend if I had shared something that happened with D yesterday, which I had not. I know better than to do that at times, as D might not have found the humor in it. She was more than happy to share her story with my friend.

As we sat there D was talking a bit about XH. Her phone started blowing up and it was XH. He is at his B's house with SIL (the B and SIL where D goes to visit). He was asking D about all sorts of things, including school vacations, etc. D was aggravated. At one point, I told her to just tell her F that she did not have access to that information at the moment and to have him go online to the school website. D chatted away with my friend and I and I am glad we were there. My friend understands this insanity all too well.

On the way home D was clearly upset. She verbalized exactly what my first thought was, but I did not share with her. The fact that XH is at that particular B's means he is putting on a really good show. XH has been less than interested in anything to do with D's school, etc on any kind of regularity. This as D pointed out was pure facade. This B has been involved more with D than her own F. D wasn't having any of it and unfortunately, her F is digging a much deeper hole with her.

Luckily, we found something to laugh about and the tone changed quickly. Before bed, D mentioned to me again how grateful she was that my friend was willing to let her help out. It was a good night.  :)

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #47 on: January 09, 2018, 09:54:30 PM »
I am glad the triggers are lessening MD, I used to burst into tears at a couple of songs. 'Someone like you' was one of those.  I still feel sad but will sing along instead of cry.

Sounds like your day was a positive one :)
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8451.80 (Denjef's thread)

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #48 on: January 10, 2018, 02:20:32 AM »
I am glad the triggers are lessening MD, I used to burst into tears at a couple of songs. 'Someone like you' was one of those.  I still feel sad but will sing along instead of cry.

Sounds like your day was a positive one :)

SF -that song used to set me off as well. I, like most LBS had a whole list of songs that were somehow significant that would make me cry. Add the new releases of romantic ballads I might encounter and those would bring on more tears. I am so glad now, like you some songs might make me a bit sad, but they don't result in full on waterworks.

My day was full of more positives than negatives. There were a couple of negatives, but not enough to upset the balance.  :)

My community painting class starts back up today. My phone rang while I was in the car. When I answered it D was with me and she had a huge smile on her face the whole time. It was my student who has special needs. It was his birthday yesterday and he called to tell me all about what he got for gifts and how his M was taking him out for lobster. After we hung up D laughed and said she now understood why I teared up when he sent me a Christmas card. She said it was a genuine sentiment he wrote and what made her giggle a bit, was as I have been telling her all along, in his conversation he informed me he had purchased a new brush last week. Of course, it was from his favorite art supply store. So today, I will be shown the new brush. This student often reminds me how maybe life doesn't always have to be so complicated and I am reminded by his pure joy in a brush that some of the happiest things in life can be found in the simplest things and moments.

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #49 on: January 10, 2018, 03:58:40 AM »
So true about the little things MD.  I have always taken joy in the little things and very mindfully since BD.  That's why I am happy and xH is not.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8451.80 (Denjef's thread)

Offline Never say never

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #50 on: January 10, 2018, 11:35:03 AM »
Following along with you, MD, and you do sound good.  Being able to listen to a song, drive past a particular place and not "losing" it is such a great step in the right direction.

It is so good to be reminded about the simple things in life giving us the most joy.  We really do need to take the focus off of all the bad and put it on the positives.

I can see why your students love you.

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #51 on: January 11, 2018, 05:17:08 PM »
Savoir Faire & Never say never - I have always found joy in little things, but I forgot about them during early MLC. It has been so important for me to remind myself.

Never say never - the only way I have been able to push past the pain of songs and places that OW invaded was to allow myself to feel. I also have used some "tough love" with myself. It still hurts at times, but I needed to reclaim those things and rip the bandaid off. I shed plenty of tears, but now even when they appear, they are short lived. 

My "Body Like a Backroad" student invited me to come and see his wrestling tournament this weekend. He knows I make him eat at least fruit and some protein when he is having to make his weight class. I am all for dedication, but I am not fond of his coach. He is all about the win and I know from friends of S, former wrestlers, this coach was not mindful of their health. This kid weighs 145 and probably could comfortably weigh 160. The coach already has a kid at that weight class, so he wants this young man to go to the 145 weight class. Before matches the kid starves himself for 4 days and going about it in very unhealthy ways. Then while he is my class he is loopy because he is hungry.

I have no problem going there to cheer him on, however as I said to my coworker in this social climate, if I were to show up to a teenage boy's wrestling match that type of gossip is not something I need. It is sad that I even have to consider these things, but a few freakish teachers mess it up for those of us who would never consider taking up with a student, especially an underage one. So, I told him if I got a chance I would pop in, but I was not going to stay.

My coworker told me later that the kid told him he thinks his F would really like me. LOL. I am not touching that one either. My friend had fun at my expense later when I told her and she asked how old his F was - I suspect 40. As I was answering, I realized she was going to say exactly what she did which was along the lines of "what, too old"? LOL - I am going to miss her :)

Before I left my class, my phone pinged. It was D. She had a list of things she needed answered. The reality was nothing on that list needed answered right then and there, but it was on her mind, so she needed to let me know. I thought my head was going to explode. I had an insanely busy schedule today and XH had sent pictures of himself to both kids "having the time of his life". I can't say I was liking the balance of the scales - as in XH is off on one of his vacations and I am "it". My day was going to be running like a mad woman.

I ended up putting nearly 300 miles on my car today with all of the nonsense. D had PT, so that added to the mix.

Tomorrow will be more of the same.

I was annoyed with XH but I decided this morning to try and adjust my attitude quickly. I pulled together my collection of guilty pleasure music that is not known for it's musical depth, but happy, simple music.

It helped my mood immensely. I no longer am annoyed with XH. I am in control of my happiness.

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #52 on: January 11, 2018, 06:41:15 PM »
Made me angry that your xH sent those pictures.  Rubbing it in is so MLCerish isn't it?  Trying to convince the kids or himself that his life is so wonderful?

There is noting fair about the crisis for us and my xH is also off on holiday soon I think as I saw his bank statements with a many thousands of $$$$'s deposit paid for a retreat holiday for himself and the OW when I can barely pay the bills >:(

It's interesting but he seems to be replaying the holidays he had as a child as many of them have been to the same location as childhood holidays.  I wonder if they are any  better this time around? If he ever comes out of his fog, I reserve the right to hit him over the head with a cast iron skillet for the first day or so ;D

Turn turn the music and dance MD, you will be having a much better time than he is.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8451.80 (Denjef's thread)

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #53 on: January 12, 2018, 06:10:07 AM »
Savoir Faire - I was angry as well about the pictures. It is especially hard, since it would have been something he would have done in the past, but in his oblivion I don't think it even registers with him that it takes on a whole new context in his new choice of life. In the past, he would have sent pictures of this nature to share and then often we would go to these places later with him. They were more pictures of "hey I am thinking of you". Now, they come across as "look at the fun I am having" or even if he thinks they are the same sentiment, the reality is, he doesn't back it up with even spending any real time with the kids now and he has plenty of opportunity.

I also will admit the same thought entered my mind as well, considering it is a tight month for me, that he is off spending money like crazy. And I know him well enough to know that he will be wearing the mask of "big spender" in his crisis, which means paying for everyone's meals, etc. Meanwhile, I am having to deal with the new stresses of lining up both kids' college situations.

The pictures could have sent me into a realm of bad feelings all the way around. This morning D was intense and very grumpy. She had a ton of homework last night and is on a mission regarding her college admissions. She has declined her top choice. I am in many ways relieved. It is a great school and she would have done incredibly well there, however my alarms were going off with the college's assessment of her application.

I was not anticipating every college to fall all over her. It is a competitive field. But as an educator, I also have trouble with those assessments that only look at the data. Data does not make the student a good student. I have seen Valedictorians bomb out their freshman year. On paper they look great, but for a variety of reasons they falter. Freshmen in college are often referred to as the 50/50 gamble, no matter what their high school status was.

I get that we have to start somewhere and data helps. But, those colleges that look at just data as far as I am concerned are not student focused. I have seen those kids on paper that don't shine as much as others, yet they have passion and drive. This college told D that they did not think PT was right for her yet and wanted to put her in an exploratory program first. They pointed to her Sophomore year as the reason. Mind you it was about attendance. She has had nearly perfect attendance since then and she had supporting documents from her counselors and doctors that explained the injury and MLCer moving out at the same time. They showed she still finished the year, on her own at the top of her class. They gave her a nice scholarship, but it would mean going $120K in debt.

Her second choice is actually regarded as one of the top programs in the state. They are giving her full tuition for 6 years and merit scholarships. She was just accepted to 3 other programs, one out of state. They all said the same thing - they felt her sophomore year shows her resilience and determination. They feel she has pushed past some rough moments and has what it takes.

She has not chosen yet, but last night her comment was why would she throw away a free ride to one of the top schools just because she likes her top choice better in terms of location. She is waiting on a couple of other financial aid packages. She isn't going to just make the decision on money. She will assess it carefully and stress out, thereby stressing me out, because now we are off to revisit some of the campuses - by February 1st. No pressure - LOL

Her F is not part of this discussion, nor is she interested in sharing with him. It bothers me that she feels she cannot talk to him. It also bothers me he is self-absorbed and it doesn't seem to matter. It bothers me that I am it and the responsibility all falls on me. It is not resentment about the responsibility so much as I am tired and running around so much that other things fall by the wayside and add stress. I have little time for the other things that need done and I am craving balance.

But, I took another deep breath this morning after dropping off the cranky teenager to school, cranked up my music and drove to my first appointment. Gonna be another day of lots of driving. Today took me by an area where the kids used to love to drive. There is a stretch of highway where the Osprey build huge nests and only in that area. We used to count the nests and they still do when they are with me. This morning I counted 6. I will double check my count on the way back. The kids will tell me I am the ultimate nerd when I share it with them, but I know they too would have done the same :)

Online Treasur

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #54 on: January 12, 2018, 06:38:54 AM »
How lovely, Mourning, that you get to keep some of those small family rituals, part of the glue that binds us x
BD - Oct 15, mostly silent vanishing husband, diagnosed with severe depression in Dec 15 & seeing psychiatrist/on ADs since then
OW since Apr 16, maybe earlier?
H filed Jan 17.
80/20 strategy for me in 2018

"her soul is fierce, her heart is brave, her mind is strong." R.H Sin
Grace is...Elegance, good will, unearned blessings, a prayer of thanks and how to address a duchess.
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Online Thunder

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #55 on: January 12, 2018, 07:01:18 AM »
Yep, I agree Treasur!

Mourning, haven't you ever noticed that people who have to declare to the world what a great time they are having are only faking it?  He's not having the time of his life.  Who's he trying to kid?  Himself, maybe.
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #56 on: January 12, 2018, 07:58:50 AM »
Treasur - Yes, those are those traditions that just emerge. The best ones are not forced  :)

Thunder - I agree. I know my XH well enough to read his expressions. He has changed in MLC, but certain things you know after 30 years. Those smiles are all facade for his B and SIL's sake. He could be enjoying himself on one level, but I cannot believe that he isn't feeling that loss of what he had. He may not be able to identify it and that is what the problem really is with MLC, in my estimation. The MLCer feels pain or emptiness and instead of stopping to say "what is really causing this", like an addict they go look for that next quick fix to mask the pain.

Many of us discover the only way through the pain and get to that other side - happiness - is to push through the pain and deal with it. Otherwise it just compounds and becomes this mountain that seems impossible to climb.

On my way back from having my car serviced, I did discover that my count was accurate. LOL. However, I chose a different path on the way to the gallery and took a side road that crosses to the main road. I have never been down this road. It has similar swamp lands running through it, so it makes sense, but the Osprey are pretty selective about where they nest. Along this backroad there were 3 more nests, but like the ones I normally see, they were perched on the tops of the large towers that carry the electric lines.

I grabbed the highway and got to drive on a stretch of highway I love. I normally don't get to really take it in, because I normally am on it when the traffic is heavy. Today, I was just encountering the occasional semi.

This stretch runs through swamp areas tucked in the woods. The ice was built up heavily in the swamp areas from last week's freeze. The snow has melted and the weather is insanely warm this morning. The fog was hanging in the air and mixing with the mist coming off the melting swamp. It was gray and drizzling, but the sun was trying to push through. Anyone who knows about light in the creative realm will tell you some of the most intense colors come through with this type of light. I wished I had packed my camera, but I will emblazon the images in my mind to use for inspiration. The bark on the trees were intense, almost black because they were wet, the grasses were a deep ochre and the sky a winter sky blue. Add mist and it was like a well art directed scene in a movie.

When I drive that stretch of highway I always put the radio on a specific radio station that only comes in well there. They play just about anything. It started with "She's Like the Wind". XH had taken me to see Dirty Dancing for our first actual date. (We had been friends before that). That song became the song XH always equated with me. I suppose we could call it "our song", but it was never something we somehow said, it just "was". During the MLC months, I would have been a hot mess with that song coming on. Nothing today. The next song seems appropriate in the MLC timeline, as it is one of those songs that seemed to show up a lot and made me power through "Bring to Me Life" by Evanescence. For a long time I adopted that as my "fight song". By the end of my trip they had played Metallica and then a song by Thomas Rhett - "I Feel Good". The chorus is resonating with me today
Yeah my problems can wait til tomorrow,
cause I feel good today yeah,
can't nobody bring me down...

My moments of being annoyed are gone for now. I am in control of my own happiness to a degree. I know a storm is rolling in this afternoon, so I prepared -- stilettos for my afternoon, and a pair of hiking boots for the ride home, because we are going to get pounded. But, it is okay - I got my fun driving in and later a different type of drive may await me. But it is okay because I do feel good today :)

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #57 on: January 12, 2018, 03:24:59 PM »
My M has been texting me all day. I am grateful for her concern, but I wish she would not worry so much. Worried about me working and having to travel, etc. I kept telling her I was watching the weather and in the gallery, I have a huge picture window that allows me to monitor the changes. But, it didn't matter. She was clearly not wanting me out.

I let her know my boss didn't want me to keep the gallery opened past 4. She was there to teach a class and said she saw the weather report and did not want to ever hold any of us there in bad weather. This was rather funny, since Miss Management was texting me as my boss was standing right there and her text was she wanted to make sure I kept the place open in spite of the weather report and was I planning on working tomorrow. I texted her back and was telling her that I was under direct orders from the owner not to come in tomorrow if it is bad out. Miss Management questioned me and my boss got annoyed and sent her a text herself. Miss Management is upset because her other job is going to mandate that she comes in. My boss turned to me and said she will be very upset with me if I come in and risk life and limb and would not feel good if any of us had an accident in the bad weather to open the gallery. Before she left, she told me that if anyone came in right before I closed I was to tell them we were closing early. She gave me a big hug and said she wanted me to get home to my kids and to text her when I got there. I love my boss :)

The drive home was not bad. Raining and the temperature dropping rapidly.

When I got home, my M sent me yet another slew of texts. One to see if I was home. Another to tell me that two people commented to her today that my S is a wonderful young man. The comments were that he is incredibly caring and never asks for anything in return. My M sent an emoji, (new one for her - LOL) with a smile and said "just like his M".

I had to laugh a bit at that last bit, as if I followed the MLC blame game XH wrote up, I was apparently the most self-centered, selfish person on earth.

I am far from perfect. I do know that I get great joy out of being there for others. I like helping, but I don't go looking to fix things.

Yesterday, my coworker said there has been a spark lately in me. A passion that is showing up. It was funny because later yesterday someone else mentioned it as well. They had asked me a question about had I considered running for the town or school boards. No way. I asked why and they said it is because I am often willing to speak up for others. I used to work in that type of atmosphere. I have thought about this "spark" today quite a bit. I don't want to speak for those who make a choice not to speak, which is what I found with a lot of when I worked in that atmosphere. I do however like showing others how to find their voice - my students in particular. I want to help empower them. Not for me, but for them. No, I am where I am supposed to be.

I am finding my passion again and I hadn't realized how much I have missed it. My coworker was kidding me about how I have been just getting so excited about showing the kids things. He said it is rather contagious and quite intoxicating - LOL I told him maybe I had better reel it in a bit. He assures me it is not a bad thing and the kids that are being pulled in are really finding their own passions and the positive energy is working.

It is a bit humbling, but I am going to keep doing what I am doing. It is agreeing with my own mood and maybe there is something to positive energy feeding off of positive energy. My students are fueling something in me and it seems so foreign after the MLC months of doom and gloom. 

Offline Shocked

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #58 on: January 12, 2018, 09:09:30 PM »
Happy to hear your mood is continually improving!!!! Well done on the healing my friend!!!🤗💪👍
I care🤗
H 51
W 58
M 22 Years
2 AD both married from my first M
BD 12/15 moved out-in replay, vanisher, MOW in Atlanta
D 2/17

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #59 on: January 13, 2018, 07:44:05 AM »
Thank you Shocked :) It is a process and I am sure there will be more tears. I know there are things that are still triggers and may always be triggers. I know that I have other rings of fire to go through, one being the idea of crossing that line into some type of new relationship at some point.

XH is back from his vacation it would seem. I had a bit of a laugh as he got back yesterday and was complaining about how cold it was in Florida while he was down there for a portion of his trip. He returned just in time to be snowed in today with a a travel ban. (Not nice of me to laugh, but I am :P)

The rumor mill made it back to XH regarding the great scandal in the driveway - LOL.

D has not said a word to me about any of this and I will only address it if she brings it up, but she has spoken to S. Both kids know exactly what happened. I gave them a heads up that rumors might fly. I had nothing to hide, but their F has done such a good job of blindsiding them over the past few months, I try and be very up front about things. This type of rumor, knowing how it might get blown out up is one I figured they should be prepared for. I had told them it was not so that they had to somehow defend me, because there is nothing to defend. But, I did want them to know that yes, my coworker was here dropping off the appointment book and someone did drive by. That was it. I also told them if I do ever decide to start dating, etc. they would know enough to at least know who I was with, etc. It all boils down to my kids needing to know I am not going to lie to them. I have no reason to.

S let me know what was said by D, not to betray a confidence, but he was laughing a bit about it. He told me to prepare myself because D did not lie about a single thing, but she knowingly dropped some fuel onto that fire. He said XH has not said a word to him, which makes him wonder if he knows he won't get anywhere with S or if it is some way to see if he can rile D up. But, it would appear D's responses were quite funny. XH mentioned that he heard I was "seeing someone" (yes, in the driveway - LOL). D told XH I see him nearly every day. (True - at work). XH said he heard he was a good looking guy and wanted to know if she had met him. D said yes she has met him and there are lots of her friends who think he is really cute. (She did not tell him that her friends see him at school and have said he is really cute. She has in fact met him at school in the hall when I was there). XH asked how old he was. D said "he just turned 30 not too long ago". XH said he heard he was at the house. D said she wasn't here, but yes, he was.

D dropped it after that. S said when she recounted the exchange with S she was incredibly annoyed with XH. They both agreed he made his decision and I have done nothing but have protected them and my worst "offense" was staying out late a couple of times with my friend -- hardly a crime, as they knew where I was. LOL.

S sat at the kitchen bar while I made coffee this morning, waiting for the tractor to warm up so he could plow and get to work. After we had a good laugh about how XH has forgotten that D will not lie about anything, but she will not hold back. She has his ability to go into "lawyer mode" and will give just the facts and then good luck trying to battle with her. It is an admirable skill if you are not on the receiving end - LOL. And she clearly was in protective mode, which is a whole other level of intensity. Yikes.  ;D

As S and I shook our heads both laughing saying "what the he!! was he thinking trying to get info from D". D can be the most sensitive, loving kid, but she is incredibly strong willed and protective. She fits that stereotype of a Leo and add that auburn haired Irish fierceness - good luck. We joke and say they used her for the model for the character Princess Merida in the movie Brave. She is a force to be reckoned with when provoked.

My friend and I have talked about "the look" D can give you. My friend has been on the receiving end of that look and it is a look of "I am processing something, give me space and I will let you know when I am done processing". Luckily, my friend has not ever been introduced to the "I have processed and now I am pissed at you" backlash. LOL

S was just about ready to go outside when he told me that it is none of XH's business who I see. He has said this before, but he told me I should start dating and his only stipulation was the guy had better know how special I am and treat me well. He then, in his very funny sense of humor said "and by the way M, if you decide you want to start "entertaining" at home, just give me a heads up, so that I can make other plans to not be there". Smarta$$ - LOL

With that he was out the door but made sure he gave me a big hug and a kiss on the cheek.  :)

Online Mortesbride

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #60 on: January 13, 2018, 09:04:56 AM »
I love how your daughter was winding him up by telling him the truth but he will be reading all kinds of stuff into that.

Amazing.  8)

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #61 on: January 13, 2018, 10:37:02 AM »
Mortesbride - I must admit I too am kind of enjoying the D exchange. I am sure he will have a whole scenario playing out in his head, especially since he is snowed in. I am sure my in-laws will be "filled in" accordingly.

The BIL I am in contact with will have great fun at my expense, but he has said to me several times over the past few months he knows his B is not in his right mind. There have been stories that XH has told, many OW had a part in, that my BIL and SIL have both said they called him out on, saying there is no way I would have done XYZ, because it is not in my nature. They were all stories that basically made it sound like I was some negligent M all of a sudden. BIL has said, if that were the case my kids would not be as well adjusted as they are and obviously thriving, even with XH gone. BIL and SIL have both had my back. They are the only in-laws I care about any more. I do not wish any bad to come to the others, but their toxic mentality can stay away from me. I don't miss it. If they figure their FOO issues out and come back around, I may consider opening that door, but only because they are related to my kids. Beyond that, not worried any longer about their perceptions of me.

I think the thing that is really telling about how far "gone" XH is right now is that he has known D's personality well enough to know how she is wired. She has been a spitfire since the day she was born. We used to laugh because I was way over due with her and my doctor laughed at the time saying "this baby is clearly going to come when it is damned good and ready and not before". I was supposed to be induced on a Tuesday morning. D decided that late Monday afternoon right before seemed like a better idea. If she makes up her mind, you can sway her, she is not a bulldozer, but you had better come prepared with "evidence" as to why. She is not obstinate, just determined. She always accepted her punishment and is very "compliant" but there are areas, like applying for college she is on a mission. Sort of that "see that mountain, I am going to climb it".

Funnier yet, D used to be a bacon fanatic. She is now a healthier eater, but will cave to bacon if put in front of her. We used to go to a diner just about every Saturday morning. The owner would not let anyone else prepare her bacon for her. He knew exactly how she liked it cooked. He used to tease her and ask her if she wanted the bacon burned. She would get very serious and tell him no and every time explain how it was supposed to be just so.

One Saturday we missed going to the diner. XH made breakfast, but we did not have any bacon. D came in at lunch time and had written in crayon a "legal document" that she handed to XH. It had several lines written out where he was supposed to sign by the X on the paper. She had written that by signing that paper he would agree to making sure she had bacon every Saturday. She was very serious about the whole thing. It was something that has lived on for a very long time and XH, at least in the past knew how D is wired. Guess he forgot. LOL

It is fine. I am prepared for the backlash and frankly don't really care. I am not looking to fire him up, nor am I looking to worry about what XH thinks. I know my own truth and even if I were to take up with my coworker, or anyone else, as long as my children are not in harm's way, XH no longer has a right to give his opinion. The only ones that matter in realty are myself and my children. People will have opinions, and I may consider certainly those opinions of those I trust - those who truly know me, but that list is a very short list. Those people who have been let into my "inner circle" are the only opinions that matter to me. There are a handful of others I trust to be honest, but beyond that, let those rumors fly.   8)

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #62 on: January 13, 2018, 01:50:18 PM »
Oh why do I think the little flaming arrows D shot at XH have him monkey braining?

I am not exactly sure what emotion I can place on my reaction. It is a combination of things that just boils down to "I am just so over this MLC garbage".

There is a bit of humor in there, aggravation and sadness for XH, who seems to be still so lost and possibly clueless. There is a feeling of "please just leave me alone".

It is not that his desire to communicate regarding certain things would not be welcomed in regards to the kids. I would love to have a person who might coparent, oh wait D is almost 18, so he had better step up soon. (Yes, heavy sarcasm - LOL).

But in all seriousness, I would like him to get his act together enough for the kids. I am just done on my end at this point in time.

He texted me at 3PM sharp. I have to laugh at the time. It has been one of those unspoken "traditions" that carried over from my grandparent's culture where you stop at 3 (or close to that time) to have coffee and sit down. I haven't been hardcore about it over the years, but certainly on the weekend if I am not working, I try and make myself take a few minutes to "regroup". Today, with the snow, he must have had his radar on. I was actually even considering baking a batch of cookies for S and D, but now he has kind of derailed that thought. Maybe later.

I had been outdoors with the dog and have been busy cleaning and doing laundry. It has not been a stressful day. In fact, I was rather enjoying the mundane tasks and not thinking about too terribly much. I was enjoying the progress for once.

The phone went off and he sent me a lonnggg text all about our divorce settlement and how he did not really want to discuss it, but… he wanted to clarify the arrangement for taxes and how he gets to claim D this year. Sure, whatever. I conceded on that to avoid having S dragged into court and my attorney instead pushed for higher support for D and he was willing to take it. The little phrase that set me into a bit of a "mood" and almost made me want to be a bit snarky was he started by saying that he felt we should behave like adults and talk like adults regarding the kids.

Now the sarcasm was brewing in me, I won't lie. I really was tempted to jump off the high road and respond with a "that would be a great change" or some other responses that would show my surprise that he even know what being an adult looks like.

But, instead I decided I did not want to engage. His next question was how was I. I responded with a fine, "yes, you get the odd years for D" and yes, no and ok. He tried to keep the conversation going, but I have not played along.

It strikes me how sad it is for some of us. You just get to that point where you have had more than enough. Never would I have thought I would get to a point where I just don't want to interact with the man. The reality is he is not the same man. Who knows what he would look like if he actually worked through this MLC, I just know this version is not someone I want much to do with.

Earlier today my F popped in. He brought up something that I knew, but we have never really discussed. He said there were so many times he wanted to belt my XH. My F is the farthest thing from a violent man. Protective, yes, but not one to get into a brawl. When I was trying to keep my marriage afloat, my F overheard so many things that came out of my XH's mouth. Horrible things he would say to me in his MLC state. My F would occasionally tell him to stop, but often would walk away, knowing XH was not in his right mind and I was trying to diffuse things and be that spouse willing to take those emotional hits because he was in crisis. My F told me today that he cannot image what was said behind closed doors in those moments where I was alone with him. He said my desire to protect XH and the kids was admirable at the time, but how I kept my sanity was beyond him. As we talked, the subject of dating came up. He said I should not hesitate to date and he knows I know there are good men out there. He believes I will be cautious, but he is worried I will be too cautious.

He said my heart will get broken quite possibly again, but he doesn't believe ever to the degree it has been. He wanted me to know that he knows I am level headed, but not to let my fear drive my decisions all the time. He said I should let some of that passion I have in me run amok. I had to laugh, I know what he meant. My F is a very faithful, loving H and he was not suggesting I start hooking up. He was suggesting I should not tip toe through my life worrying about each landmine.

It was hard hearing that my F maybe knew more than he let on and as a parent that has to be very difficult. He doe not really know the horrible things that were said in some of those moments where I thought I was dealing with the man who I trusted completely. He demeaned me at the most intimate times with his words. They seemed to come out of nowhere. It wasn't all the time. Now looking back, I could probably peg them to those times he was struggling with his feelings of OW and his guilt. It was easier to pick out any flaws I had then so that he could justify his behaviors and his words.

This is probably the biggest hurdle I am facing now. How do I get past this? Most days I feel I am going to be fine, but I won't lie. I am wrestling a bit. I find myself tempted at times to trip into something that I would deem a "transitional relationship" just to get my feet wet. It is not the same as a rebound. I am beyond that point. I was in a "traditional relationship" for about a year with a friend I trusted. Not an inner circle person, but a good friend. We were both pretty clear about how it was not going anywhere for the long stretch. It was a safety net for both of us. It was not a "friends with benefits" situation, but we were "exclusive" for that time. It is just a crazy thought, but nothing I am putting into place. That need to get past the hurdle of no longer being desirable to another man is huge. XH got deep into my head on that level. I never had any insecurities regarding him desiring me. It seems like a shallow thing, but it is not.

MLC did a hell of a job on so many levels.

Offline Bailmor

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #63 on: January 13, 2018, 03:14:06 PM »
MD, having been in this for over 6 years now, I know exactly what you re talking about. But know that anything you feel is normal.  The MLCers knock all confidence we have out the window.  It is tough to get that back but you sound like and extremely str9ng woman and with that characteristic, you won’t have a hard time when you feel the time to date moving forward. 

I have two ads about the ages of yours so I know xactly what you are talking about.  Hang in there and know that when the time comes, things will fall into place. 

Hope the snow and cold weather will not be a huge distraction!  Kudos to you and your kids for surviving this sh!tstorm!   :)
If you are feeling down, know that God Has always had a wonderful plans for you.  Unfortunately, there are things that happen and forces that work to try and keep us from reaching what He has for us.  The good news is that there is healing at work.  God is always working in and through your life to try to get you to where He wants you.

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #64 on: January 13, 2018, 03:40:13 PM »
Thank you Bailmor. I guess we have survived the $h!testorm - LOL :)

LOL - I think if anything these are just "mental musings" I am writing out. I have been learning things do fall into place, as you say.

I had been feeling pretty good lately and I think my F's admission of how he has felt maybe was a bit of a trigger. It was hard knowing what he heard and how it pained him.

It took me back to some of those moments and that is when my mind started to wander to those thoughts of "how do I move past this MLC residue that is left". I am not about to jump into the pond with both feet.

That said, my F has always been wise and never steered me wrong. I think there is some wisdom in what he was telling me, which was prior to meeting XH I was pretty fearless about relationships. I didn't go and hop from bed to bed, my XH was the only man I ever had been with. But, I didn't worry about whether or not every guy I dated "was the one". I embraced the moment and had fun. I think some of my feelings are rooted in getting involved too quickly with someone.

They are all just fears and I will work through them and muse some more  :)

The snow and cold weather are out of my control - LOL. I actually don't mind the weather. The storm hit this morning and I did not replay last weeks snow day and stay in bed all day. It was too cold for the dog to be out for too long and the wind chill was a bit much for a long walk. If it had been a bit warmer, I have been known to brave a blizzard for a walk. (Crazy, I know ;D)

I am craving a walk to be honest, but while I am a bit "fearless" about braving the cold, the idea of frostbite was not too appealing. So, I opened the curtains in the front rooms to let the sun shine in and it gave me a perfect view of the field across from me.

I will be grateful for what I have at the moment and just wait for the new things to come along :)

Offline Bailmor

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #65 on: January 13, 2018, 06:22:10 PM »
Sounds like your F is an extremely intelligent and compassionate man, and wanted to protect the integrity of his daughter from the MlCer’s nonsense.  Moving forward will allow your fears to become few and far between.  You will know when things fall into place.

And I know what you mean about going out with the dog in this weather!  Mine wants to go out and only walk as far as he has to, then he is ready to get back into the warm confines.  Ready for the warmth of spring! 
If you are feeling down, know that God Has always had a wonderful plans for you.  Unfortunately, there are things that happen and forces that work to try and keep us from reaching what He has for us.  The good news is that there is healing at work.  God is always working in and through your life to try to get you to where He wants you.

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #66 on: January 13, 2018, 07:37:12 PM »
Bailmor - Actually my dog is all about the cold weather. She is a Chocolate Lab who loves rain, snow and cold. She would stay out all day if I let her, so it can be a battle. She had herself completely buried in a snow bank this morning. Of course, as soon as she was inside she made a B-line for my bed and I didn't get to her in time. I found her, yet again buried under my down comforter. LOL

We ate dinner together as a family at the kitchen table. This has been three nights in a row and I didn't realize how much we all missed it. This past year has been so filled with running around like a crazy woman this is one of those things that seemed to go out the door. We tried on and off to make it happen a while back, but it was not taking hold.

Tonight, we sat down and it was quite late. S reached over and grabbed my hand. It took me by surprise and then D reached for the other. We haven't done this in a very long time, as in years. S stated what he was grateful for, D followed suit, hers being very silly, but that was okay. We had continued "gratefuls" for awhile after XH left, but the hand holding stopped when they were in middle school. Our version of "grateful" have always been just about trying to find one thing in our day that was a good thing. We had to find something good in the day, even if it was a statement like "I am glad today is almost over and tomorrow is a fresh start". Remarkably, the kids always seemed to find something positive in their day. It often opened up conversations about their day in general. It was something XH started, so I must give credit where credit is due. He put a stop to it in MLC. The kids and I continued for a long time, but like eating dinner together as a family at the table it went by the wayside.

It will be tough to make dinner at the table happen every day, but I realized tonight how important those moments are. We had a really happy dinner together. S offered to help D with a technical problem. They then started laughing about the fact that I did not recognize a whole slew of songs they were playing tonight. This apparently was funny to them, since I am a music junkie and listen to just about anything. I missed a big chunk of the early 2000's apparently, which is what they were pulling from. They wondered why and then it dawned on me and I laughed and said that was probably because I was knee deep at the time in things like the Wiggles, Sesame Street and Blues Clues.  ;D

So grateful for my kids' laughter.  :)

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #67 on: January 13, 2018, 08:29:55 PM »
Our D's sound a bit alike MD, although mine is blonde.  D15 was known for her bacon.  We used to go to a breakfast buffet on Sunday's just so she could take her lb. of bacon off the buffet, lol.

She's better now, and gets a bit annoyed when we bring it up.

She was a week late and might have been longer.  My H had the next few days off, so he convinced me to drink castor oil.  I went into labor, but once we got to the hospital, it just stopped.  Stubborn child.  Next they tried breaking my water.  Nope, contractions petered out yet again.  I would walk and walk the hospital and they would get going, but as soon as I got into bed and they would monitor me, she would settle down again.  Next they decided to use prostaglandin and if that didn't work they wanted to use cytotec, but I very apprehensive about that.  Thankfully, the prostaglandin seemed to do the trick.

She still has that stubborn streak.

I am laughing at her antics with her factual answers to your xH's monkey braining over the rumors.  I'm sure that is why he texted you at 3pm.  He can pretend to not care, but I think there was major monkey braining going on.
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9711.0

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #68 on: January 14, 2018, 04:09:29 AM »
FaithWalker - My D would have gladly eaten a lb of bacon in the past. She laughs about it now, but she is very much into minding her health and bacon rarely crosses her lips.

I had to laugh at one point D. D thought she had brown hair until she saw her Senior pictures. It is a deep Auburn, but if she stands in the light, there is no denying it has a very red tone to it. She was shocked and now understood why people said she is a "ginger" through and through. She looked at me and asked me when her hair had gotten so red and I had to pull out baby pictures of her.  ;D

She came 2 weeks late. My XH had to cancel business trips 3 times because of the delays. I went into labor and almost got sent home. I should have bought a lottery ticket, because the same nurse that delivered my S was there and fought with the doctor on call. She said I was supposed to be there at 8 am the next morning to be induced and the last time I was there my S came very quickly. That was the one doctor I had not seen in the practice and it was 3 in the morning. It was the "changing of the guard" and that doctor was getting ready to leave. He was insisting I go home. The doctor who delivered my S (not the doctor I saw regularly) came in as he was the doctor on call. He remembered me and said I was staying put. Sure enough, D came within 4 hours. She was a tough pregnancy and tough birth. I was too far along to be given any meds and she thought back labor was the way to go - LOL. And while she was tiny from the time she was an infant and now she is 5'7" and a size 2, one would have never have known it, as she was long and weighed nearly 9 lbs.

My M was overdue with my sister by nearly two weeks. My M always tells the story that her doctor told her they had better save up a large dowry and my sister was going to be very stubborn. He was not wrong. For a very long time, the first word out of my sister's mouth was "No". She still has a stubborn streak. She and D are actually very much alike and are incredibly close. They completely understand each other. D confides in my sister a great deal and for that I am so very grateful.

They kept me 3 days in the hospital and I made XH take the business trip after she was born. I knew how important this meeting was for his business as it was with a new client. I sent him on his way and my parents picked me up. I used to lovingly joke with him about how he wasn't there to drive me home from the hospital. I always used this false whine and threw my hand to my forehead dramatically when I would tease him about it. We would laugh hysterically. He knew for years that I never felt that way and he had been there for me at every turn -- that is what made the joke so funny. In projection mode in MLC land, this joke had suddenly become one of the many things I did to hurt him. I remember saying to him I didn't understand because in the past had either of us done something to hurt each other, we would have addressed it then and there. We did not let these things fester. If it had been some source of pain for him, I would have never made fun of it again. But, that was the new perception I realized I was dealing with and history was being rewritten before my eyes.

D was just stating the facts with XH. I don't doubt she had a bit of her twisted sense of humor mixed in there. D is very direct and rarely does anything to be mean, but I suspect she knew exactly what she was doing. She knew this would ruffle his feathers if for no other reason than she was not giving up any information beyond what was asked.

I also don't doubt that he had been mulling this rumor more after talking to D. His tax questions were a thin veil for what was really going on in his head, based on a couple of his other questions. They were superfluous and he was trying to engage me in conversation.

I don't know what his angle really was, and maybe he does not. I think if anything in his MLC desire to relive his own history I was supposed to be playing the part of his M. If that were the case, I should be pining and bitter for the next 30 years. I would have moved in with my sister or my parents and sold all of the family belongings. I would have then moved away with one of the kids and essentially forgotten my other child. Drinking would have come into the mix.

Since I have done none of that, I am sure this is messing with his head. I don't think he planned on me messing up his script.

Certainly the possibility of dating did not really enter his mind. He once said to me in one of his MLC speeches about how things were going to be great that he hoped I would use discretion when I started bringing men home and not to leave any evidence around. This perplexed me at the time on all levels, since I could not wrap my head around that concept to begin with and why we were having that conversation. He then went on to assure me he would make sure any women's underwear were not left around when the kids came to visit :o

That one conversation messed with my head for a long time. Now, I realize it is just part of his weird MLC and fantasy. OW had at one point said "as his friend" she thought he was missing out on opportunities. She implied that he could be living out his days with women coming to call in his bachelor pad. Oh, and remarkably she had just the solution for him to have his freedom - a cottage he could move into. A very sarcastic version of the phrase "have I got a deal for you" often runs through my head when I now think about how OW sold him on this idea.

By all accounts, OW is only there when it suits her and there is not a revolving door of women I often want to be a bit sarcastic and ask him "how is that fantasy working out for you"? but I will keep it to myself.

I am sorry if this is messing with his head on one level. The crisis must be hell to live with in your head. But, now I am at the point where my patience is not there for his antics. His drama is his own to work through. Maybe someday if he does the work, I will be willing to have a cup of coffee with him and no longer wishing for the time to go by quicker. I hope someday I can see him healthy and having a relationship with his kids.
« Last Edit: January 14, 2018, 04:16:16 AM by MourningDove »

Offline No expectations

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #69 on: January 14, 2018, 06:35:24 AM »
Good morning Dove!

I love reading your thread, you have such a way of inviting us all into your life and painting the picture of your family.  If you ever write a book, please let me know ;)

I laughed at the thought of your D answering xh's questions, truthfully but still leaving him to wonder.  And I agree with your F, it's okay to dip your toes into the dating pool just to have some companionship without wanting more.  You are too vibrant of a person to not enjoy that side of life as well.

I hope the cold doesn't last too long and you can get back out on your walks.  It is Florida cold here as well, but beautiful and sunny.  Unfortunately Mom doesn't do well in the cold so we will probably not venture out too far today, but this weather is gorgeous.  And yes, it was cold when your xh was here.  We must have all been victims of his karma hahaha.

My second baby came two weeks late.  They were about to induce me but he finally decided enough was enough lol.  He weighed over 9 1/2 pounds.  I told my H (not this H, my first), that if he wanted any more, he would have to figure out how to deliver them himself, as I didn't want to go through that again.   S2 is also a ginger, but very obviously.  I have a soft spot in my heart for gingers.  For years I dyed my hair red, as I have the coloring to pull it off.  Only recently, at the urging of my hairdresser, I went blonde.  I always said, anyone can be blonde, but it takes someone special to pull off red.  And your D definitely has the spirit of a ginger, good for her!

Have a wonderful day, my friend.
Married 10 1/2 years, together 17.  BD 9/2016, 2nd BD 10/16.  H moved out 10/16.  2 AS's from my first M.  Me 55, H 49.  OW 23.

"And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through; how you managed to survive.  You won't even be sure if the storm is really over.  But one thing is certain; when you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person that walked in...that's what this storm is all about."

"The trick is to enjoy life.  Don't wish away your days, waiting for better ones."

Offline Bailmor

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #70 on: January 14, 2018, 04:01:59 PM »
They kept me 3 days in the hospital and I made XH take the business trip after she was born. I knew how important this meeting was for his business as it was with a new client. I sent him on his way and my parents picked me up. I used to lovingly joke with him about how he wasn't there to drive me home from the hospital. I always used this false whine and threw my hand to my forehead dramatically when I would tease him about it. We would laugh hysterically. He knew for years that I never felt that way and he had been there for me at every turn -- that is what made the joke so funny. In projection mode in MLC land, this joke had suddenly become one of the many things I did to hurt him. I remember saying to him I didn't understand because in the past had either of us done something to hurt each other, we would have addressed it then and there. We did not let these things fester. If it had been some source of pain for him, I would have never made fun of it again. But, that was the new perception I realized I was dealing with and history was being rewritten before my eyes.

OMG, Mourning, I had something very similar to this.  When D19 was six months old, she has hospitalized with a very rare disease, infantile botulism.  It was very serious, almost to the point of death.  But the first evening when things were touchy, I left the hospital because There were things that needed to be done at home and XW had her best friend with her.  Back to BD, XW threw that back in my face that I wasn’t there when she needed me!  Sixteen years after the fact, this gets thrown into my face!  Projection and anger pent up for years.  Yes, In retrospect, I should have been by her side but at the time, I thought her best friend would have been better for her at that time.  I was there for everything else during the six-month intensive care of my D, but that one night got thrown back in my face years later! 
If you are feeling down, know that God Has always had a wonderful plans for you.  Unfortunately, there are things that happen and forces that work to try and keep us from reaching what He has for us.  The good news is that there is healing at work.  God is always working in and through your life to try to get you to where He wants you.

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #71 on: January 14, 2018, 04:50:17 PM »
No expectations - I am glad you enjoy the novellas - LOL. I am a transparent person with most people, but what I post is so much deeper than what I would possibly share with most people. Being that person who guards her life pretty tightly in many respects, I write about more than I share with people in my real world. That exception would be those who I let into those guarded areas. Those people accept I am a deep thinker and am a mix of nerdy and inner wild child.

I share many things with my students or others if it is some lesson I learned. If I messed up or learned something, I see no point in hiding it - good or bad. I have nothing to hide. The things that stay close are some of my deepest thoughts. I suppose much of what I write down is for my own benefit. I find I have to remind myself of the good things I have and to vent. Some may perceive it as I have some need to share my thoughts with others. I have journaled for a long time, but maybe this forum has given me a safe place to write it out and sometimes either allow others to take the things I have learned or to kick me in the a$$ once in awhile.

Bailmor - it continues to amaze me what gets thrown back at us and it is projection. Part of the anger, I suspect with XH is he was in Thailand several weeks later for business and was not there when D ended up having to have an emergency scope because she could not keep food down. It turned out to be nothing. At the time there was no way for me to contact him, as he was out on a two week photoshoot for a magazine and they were in remote areas. I never threw that back at XH even in the angriest moments. It was out of our control.

D was our emergency room baby. She sliced her hand open as an infant when she somehow managed to get ahold of a glass bowl off of the counter. XH held her while they put 10 stitches in her hand. When she was 3 she ran up the sidewalk at my parent's house and tripped. Hit her head on their cement step. I took her to the doctor. They spent 2 hours stitching her up carefully. At the time, he knew she was a tiny terror. The kid that needed one of those "leashes" when we would go somewhere busy because she would bolt in a crowd. No was not a word she understood and she had a ton of energy. He knew I was a good mother and never said anything to deny that, until MLC. Then I was to blame for everything accident both kids ever had, even when S broke his leg. Not sure how that factored in there, since I was not even home when it happened.

When D was having her surgery on her ankle "normal" XH would never have left her side. He would never given any thought to her asking for me when they put the IV in. He had never had surgery and I had been through several small ones over the years - broken bones and around that time I had just had my tonsils out, so I knew what she could expect. She wanted her M. He snarled at me in the waiting room and stormed out. I had no idea where he went. We drove D home and he was in full monster mode. As soon as I picked up her prescriptions, he disappeared for hours. It is something D has never forgotten. MLC version of XH was not only foreign to me, but to the kids.

Today, I went to help my friend with a couple of things at her apartment. She is in those final phases of packing up things. I ended up blowing off my responsibilities at home and I don't really care. It was what I needed. We fell into a conversation about our MLC XH's. She is the only friend I have ever confided in about any "kiss and tell" type of subjects. Not because it is somehow something we look to share, but it is often about changes we saw in our very similar monster MLC XH's. She mentioned something today that made me think back. It had to do with a very odd, specific request XH made in the bedroom. It was not exactly a "spice things up" request and in fact freaked me out a bit. I remember at the time knowing where he had been the night before, which was out with his best friend and he had way too much to drink. He was smart enough to stay up at his friend's house. He couldn't drink gin for several years after because he had gotten so sick. It was not a common occurrence. He did not get upset when I told him I would not be interested in that type of activity. It was something I haven't thought about in a long time, but it certainly bothered me at the time.

As we talked today, I realize it fits in the timeline of the MLC madness rolling in. As we talked it didn't rile me, and it was a relief to know someone else had experienced changes in their XH.

We don't share these things like teenage girls. It is just the one person I have ever felt comfortable to ask such personal questions of. It is not some type of comparison chart - LOL.

On my way home the memory of that moment came rolling back. It hit me hard. I could feel the tears coming. I needed to let them out. I was mad at myself for not seeing these MLC signs sooner. Not that it would have made any difference. It was a moment of wondering what things did I either not know or maybe the reality is I did not want to see them. I wasn't ready to accept he was jumping on the MLC crazy train.

The tears are just pieces of pain that still need to leave my body. I need to make room for the new pieces.
« Last Edit: January 14, 2018, 04:57:49 PM by MourningDove »

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #72 on: January 14, 2018, 06:44:51 PM »
Enough is enough. Dealing with a monster is beyond exhausting and I have no more room in my life for the MLC monster.

I had just found center again after having shed tears. In fact, I was outside in the dark, playing a game the dog loves, which involves chasing a laser light pointed at the snow. She knows the minute you pick the blasted thing up what is coming. She bolted for the door and sat barking her fool head off. Because tonight is incredibly dark, I did not have to battle the moon. I wore her out for the evening, which is good, as she had a great deal of excess energy to run off.

I had left my phone inside. Seems Mr. MLC XH has clearly been mulling this great rumor over. I got a text and then began the MLC Inquisition. I am in no mood and the high road must have a detour tonight.

There is nothing to the rumor. I haven't been on a date unless you count my lunch date today with my friend. LOL. It doesn't matter. I was hardly delicate in my response.

I texted XH that it is no longer his business what happens in my life or at my house. He can ask about the kids, but my social life is off limits. He made some really nasty remark and I think I shocked him. I told him he gave up all rights to me and if I will date whomever I want whenever I so desire. He no longer has a say about anything to do with me and his opinion is no longer a factor in my decisions.

I really could have called him all sorts of nasty names the way I was feeling. I know he is in crisis, but every time he makes it about me or anyone else, it wears thin.

Mr. MLC Monster needs to go back in his cave.

Online Treasur

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #73 on: January 15, 2018, 12:51:06 AM »
I love your posts, Mourning - I have this mental image of you as an elegant ballerina on the outside and a wild wind-blown explorer inside - just a lovely combo of grace and passion.

Isn't it funny, if not ha ha, when MLC spouses follow the script so predictably? Everyone knew that your XH wouldn't like the rumours...I do think they see us as boxed on a shelf somehow. A rational person who chose to leave his wife might still have a small emotional response but they would understand that they had no right to voice it, that as you said to him, he gave up that right when he left...MLC spouse, not so much! My H was never jealous when we were married - which actually bothered me a little so we talked about it. I felt he was taking me for granted; he said it was just that he knew me well enough to know that I was a woman of my word and incapable of infidelity. Now? I'm not sure he gives it/me any thought at all...his assumption is probably the same and darn it, he's right  :)  But when we are divorced, that will need to change. I have no idea how/if he would react to that as I currently expect us to never see/speak to each other again.
BD - Oct 15, mostly silent vanishing husband, diagnosed with severe depression in Dec 15 & seeing psychiatrist/on ADs since then
OW since Apr 16, maybe earlier?
H filed Jan 17.
80/20 strategy for me in 2018

"her soul is fierce, her heart is brave, her mind is strong." R.H Sin
Grace is...Elegance, good will, unearned blessings, a prayer of thanks and how to address a duchess.
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #74 on: January 15, 2018, 04:06:22 AM »
Quote
This student often reminds me how maybe life doesn't always have to be so complicated and I am reminded by his pure joy in a brush that some of the happiest things in life can be found in the simplest things and moments.

That is some serious revelation there... Too bad the Mid-Lifers don't get it...

Savvy - the Cast Iron Skillet is SO 1940's... Use the 2x4... It makes a bigger impact...



I was LOVING the "Information dropping" from D... Just the facts, nothing but the facts and nothing more... But, even with facts, it is ALL in the presentation.... and it sure seems to have gotten those monkeys up and running....

Quote
I texted XH that it is no longer his business what happens in my life or at my house. He can ask about the kids, but my social life is off limits. He made some really nasty remark and I think I shocked him. I told him he gave up all rights to me and if I will date whomever I want whenever I so desire. He no longer has a say about anything to do with me and his opinion is no longer a factor in my decisions.

So much script in Mr. Monster... You are not <gasp!>  Following the plan! How DARE you mess up his scripted planning!  I know exactly what you are talking about though. Even though I don't have to deal with a Monster this time around, there are things that make it apparent that mine is wanting to relive her parents D... and I'm not playing the game right... Actually, it is a bit odd in that I am NOT 100% sure which role I am supposed to be taking on, FIL(RIP) who disappeared into the tunnel never to be seen again by mortal eyes (but 'm not the one in MLC?) or MIL (bitter-better-bert) but yeah, when we don't do whatever they were expecting/wanting/hoping? us to do, it does toss a wrench in the works....

Add a few flaming arrows of truth from D into the mix as well as being snowed in with nothing to do except let those thoughts percolate around, and it makes sense he's going to be feeling a bit... well... testy <snort> and then... <boom!>



Exploding head....



Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 10
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
No legal action to date

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Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #75 on: January 15, 2018, 04:59:00 AM »
UM - I was in no mood last night to deal with monkeys, especially ones that know how to text. ::)

It is pure script, and XH is not liking my editing skills it would seem. I have no idea how he will react if I actually do start dating, etc. These are just rumors. God help the man that decides he is getting involved with me. It certainly narrows my field of people who will understand this type of situation.

Treasur - My XH was never jealous either. He had no reason to be. I was only accused of multiple affairs during the MLC rolling in. He knew better, but OW planted the seeds of doubt in his head and then worked him up. He got his F involved in that venture in terms of he piled on, belittling me and questioning my morals. Besides, it gave them both reason to project. My FIL had married OW and was living with us when he left her. XH was well on his way to cheating on me at that time, so time to deflect. The thing that bothers me now is I let him make me question myself. I threw away dear friends, that were male because of the monkey-braining I did. A move I now regret.

As for the elegant ballerina -- hardly. I am not built like a ballerina and never was. I am incredibly curvy. I took up ballet for exercise as a kid. I loved to dance. I hated performing. I found as I developed as a young woman that my top curves were making me slouch. It was an interesting thing mentally that happened. When you slouch you appear to lack confidence. I was getting lots of attention from young men, but not for the reasons I wanted the attention, so for a short time, I became a bit self conscious about my hour glass figure. I had taken ballet as a kid, but gave it up for a bit. I got back into it in middle school. It was great exercise and it forced me to stand up taller. I regained my confidence and found myself taking on a different stance. Of course, this new confidence mixed with being incredibly shy at that time took on being perceived as "stuck up" in high school by some. LOL.

The ballet stopped at graduation, however I still stretch, etc. from time to time. It is also why I wear heels so often. I found that heels make me throw my shoulders back for balance. I like standing straight and while I may only be 5'3" I don't want to viewed as a "little, cute as a button" woman anymore. (That was one of those things that came out of countless guy's  mouths growing up). The heels have just become a thing I now enjoy.

But, elegant ballerina, no. My daughter recently showed me a picture of Ariel Winter and said I was built like her. No, I do not look like her, nor do I dress like her - for the record. But, short and curvy like that - yup. The only residual effect ballet and heels have on me is incredibly strong legs. LOL

Online Treasur

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #76 on: January 15, 2018, 05:12:14 AM »
UM - I was in no mood last night to deal with monkeys, especially ones that know how to text. ::)

Shame it doesn't produce the works of Shakespeare a la monkeys, typewriters and time  ;D



But, elegant ballerina, no....The only residual effect ballet and heels have on me is incredibly strong legs. LOL

In my head, you are, Mourning...curvy ballerinas are cool too  :)  And strong legs? All the better for kicking a$$es!
BD - Oct 15, mostly silent vanishing husband, diagnosed with severe depression in Dec 15 & seeing psychiatrist/on ADs since then
OW since Apr 16, maybe earlier?
H filed Jan 17.
80/20 strategy for me in 2018

"her soul is fierce, her heart is brave, her mind is strong." R.H Sin
Grace is...Elegance, good will, unearned blessings, a prayer of thanks and how to address a duchess.
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #77 on: January 15, 2018, 09:12:37 AM »
LOL - Treasur - My version of kicking a$$ is not physical. I like to rock the stilettos and strike very differently. The heels and my small stature usually throw most people off. My XH used to joke I could walk in a room and it was like watching Indiana Jones snap a whip when I could cut someone in half and leave the room just as quickly.

Last week that was part of the "spark" my coworker mentioned. My one student made some smart comment about thinking he was going to rattle me and ask if I was 85. A couple of the other students got ticked at him. I smiled at him and flipped him off and kept going doing my thing. (Again, this is not a typical classroom - LOL) The next day, he felt the burn coming back when he made some discovery of something that was a game where you have to guess what the invention is. I walked by while they were all struggling with it and I knew exactly what it was - it was an antique tool. When I gave him the answer and his friends were amazed I knew what it was. I quipped old people know things. He turned 8 shades of red and his friends were on the floor laughing. He has been very compliant since that exchange. LOL

It takes me a lot to get to blowing a gasket stage. But I do know what I am capable of. I try not to operate in arena too often.

I would much rather live in that peaceful place. I was out early this morning. I was craving time outside and even though it is pretty cold, I am gearing up to just layer to the extreme and throw myself at Mother Nature and just brave the cold. I am needing a serious walk.

But, not going to happen for awhile. I happily blew off my responsibilities yesterday so today it means having to be an adult, at least for part of the day.

D and I had haircuts this morning. I had my hairdresser take another couple inches off. I won't go any shorter. I am at that point where I will wear it like this for a long time and then I will be growing it back out. I know exactly why I did it today. It was not planned. If I am honest with myself it was in direct response to XH's rant last night. This was a clear F-U and I am going to do what I want with my life response. Pretty harmless in the scheme of things and I feel better ;D D tells me it looks very "sassy". Yes, I am feeling a bit sassy - I will own the attitude  ;)

While we were at the hair salon my S called me. I was a bit panicked. He was at work and he texts once in awhile, but a call is an emergency typically. It was. The neighbor kid called S. He heard alarms going off in my house. S asked if I was okay. I said I was not home. S flew home. There were alarms going off, but not at our house. It was the house 1/4 mile up the road, but the sound was carrying. They had a failure on their system and the repairmen were there. I am of course relieved, but more than that. For those who wonder why I live where I do, this is why - we all look out for each other. We see each other to wave and in the summer get together for a beer, but none of us are in each other's business.

I am going to bake something for that kid. I miss him. He knows I think of him like a third kid. Now that he is in high school I don't see him a ton, but they moved in when he was 8 months old and thought S was a superhero. S has always been kind to him. There were times when I know S would have loved to not have the little rugrat under his feet, but he would let him hang out in the garage. S would take the time to teach him things. Now, they are "closer" in age mentally, so they get along well.

His parents have been there for me and his F makes sure I come home to a plowed driveway if S can't get to it. They know I will do anything for them. None of us keep score. On those days where I consider changing my location, at least at this point in the scheme of things, I realize I am darned lucky.

My sister asked me if I ever think about moving. I won't say no. I am not beyond a new adventure at some point, but I realize at least for the time being this is where I need to be. I need to get my footing as a recently divorced, single M. I need to get a handle on the house and my finances. I need this stability right now. Today was just a reminder of what I would be giving up to up and move. I have something few people have and I needed that kick this morning.  :)

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #78 on: January 15, 2018, 10:57:41 AM »
I am grateful for a clogged drain - LOL.

It was a disgusting job and not one I was aching to do. But, why I am grateful was the lesson it had in it for D. The stupid drain was running slow for several days. I knew what had to happen. I came upstairs as she was grumbling with wrench in hand. Her eyes got wide. She started to walk away. I said, nope, you are going to be on call my dear.

I pulled apart the sink and she ran the tasks of handing me paper towels, etc. I thought she was going to get sick. I laughed and said to her that was why I scream at them about cleaning out their hair, etc from the sink.

I finished and she said didn't I feel disgusting, I said yes, hence I was going to shower. When I came back from showering I was dressed to the nines. She looked at me and laughed. I said, I was searching for balance and not to judge - LOL. I have no where to go today other than to drop her off at her boyfriend's. I have no one to impress.

She asked me why I didn't just ask S to do it. I said it was not some job that required a man per se and this is what it means to own the house. She then asked why I hadn't called a plumber. I ran the numbers for her and said I knew what was wrong and it was something I was capable of. When I told her I don't mind paying someone to repair something I am now in a new mindset that if I can fix it I will and that 1/2 hour would have cost me an emergency call only to have ta plumber show up and do exactly the same thing. She said what about feeling really gross afterwards. When I told her if the shower didn't do it for her, how about if I put it that we could take that money and the two of us could spend an entire day at a spa instead, she laughed and said she got it. Yes, my child it is now about choices more than ever.  :)

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #79 on: January 15, 2018, 02:57:57 PM »
I got caught up in the days tasks and the dog seems to know what I need. I had taken her out a couple of times earlier, but not for a full walk. She was relentless by 4 pm. Dropping toys at my feet, whacking me with her paw and then giving me a look. It was pretty pathetic, batting those eyelashes at me and "sad puppy face".

I got my winter clothes on and I could almost see her thinking "sucker". LOL.

The road was quiet and I guess I had not realized how stressed out I really was. I had taken some Ibuprofen earlier, which is so unlike me. My back and neck were really bothering me. I thought it was from moving some things around the house, but the longer I walked the pain subsided. It was not the exercise stretching me out. I know that feeling. This was the stress leaving my body. I had noticed as we walked that the cold was brutal, and not a single bird was out, or at least not until I came upon my lone Mourning Dove right where it normally is. I am sure there are those who would argue it is just there, and that is fine, but it has been my little reminder that things are going to be okay.

The dog pulled me to my parent's driveway. Of course. We haven't been there in quite some time and she is clearly starved for attention. Shameless dog - LOL. My F saw her yesterday at my house, but she knows the routine. My F jumped up from the table to go to the pantry. He makes sure she has a supply of biscuits and she made sure she made it worth his while. He got the whole bag of tricks she knows and added head cocked, sad puppy eyes. Yup, shameless.  ;D

I came home to an empty house. Not sure where S is at the moment. He could be working late, or it could be his GF is back from NJ. D is at her boyfriend's house.

I will make dinner and it is okay if neither kid is here for dinner. I am going to enjoy cooking and just "being" now that the stress has left my body.

It is so important for me to remember this feeling. I realize this type of stress was something I lived with almost daily for awhile. It is not healthy. And just as important was I have to learn how to assess that feeling and realize what I need to do to  address it. The walk was a short one, but so necessary. I needed the exercise and my nature fix. Even the cold was a blessing.

I will reward myself with a nice glass of red wine and enjoy it while the house is quiet.  ;)

Online Treasur

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #80 on: January 15, 2018, 03:05:47 PM »
Mourning, I haven't yet got to the place you describe so well, but I yearn for it after such a hard painful couple of years...so you give me hope that it's there waiting for me x
BD - Oct 15, mostly silent vanishing husband, diagnosed with severe depression in Dec 15 & seeing psychiatrist/on ADs since then
OW since Apr 16, maybe earlier?
H filed Jan 17.
80/20 strategy for me in 2018

"her soul is fierce, her heart is brave, her mind is strong." R.H Sin
Grace is...Elegance, good will, unearned blessings, a prayer of thanks and how to address a duchess.
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #81 on: January 15, 2018, 04:10:46 PM »
Treasur - I never would have imagined I would get to this point. Even in recent months as my XH seemed to drag out the divorce he wanted. I had at that point accepted the divorce was going to happen. I prayed non-stop for a reconciliation. It did not come. I don't know what the future holds, but I do know the stress was killing me slowly. You too will get there as long as you allow yourself to feel all of those feelings - pain and sadness, joy and laughter. Just let them out.

You are well on your way to your own mirror work - the only thing we have control over. Once we accept our own shortcomings and the things we want to change it becomes sloowwwwwllllly easier. Then like a boulder rolling down a hill it gains speed.

I hit speedbumps along the way and there are triggers and things I clearly get hung up on. I have learned to not only be honest here but to be brutally honest with myself, no matter how embarrassing or painful. I have done some pretty stupid things and it is okay. I haven't knocked over a bank yet, so I figure my misdeeds are pretty harmless.  ;D

I am embracing the parts of me that I did not allow to shine in MLC land. Those were the things that I loved about myself (and believe it or not, I am my worst critic in my "real life"). I beat myself up regularly during the day, but I am learning to forgive myself. Part of why I journal.

My S came in tonight and commented on my shorter hair. He is so funny. He said "wow, the last time you went short you attracted a 30 year old and fooled a few others. Are you going for someone younger?". Of course he was laughing hysterically by then.  ::) I love my S. He keeps me on my toes.  ;D

We are waiting for the pork roast to finish cooking. S and I happened to talk about a couple of projects I was trying to finish up. My comment was, "this type of stuff is just maddening. Your F would not let me help finish these things and he would buy the supplies and then abandon the project and start another". It was one of those things MLC XH did not do before MLC and one of the many things on his MLC script, how somehow it was my fault things were not done in the house. So the wonderful nugget that came out is that XH has the same problem going on at the cottage. Lots of projects unfinished. I suppose he could blame that on me somehow, even after the divorce - LOL, but I feel a bit of relief knowing that it clearly was not all my doing. And yes, I will admit I am enjoying it more than a wee bit right now ::) ;D
« Last Edit: January 15, 2018, 04:19:28 PM by MourningDove »

Online Treasur

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #82 on: January 15, 2018, 04:19:04 PM »
Treasur - I never would have imagined I would get to this point. Even in recent months as my XH seemed to drag out the divorce he wanted. I had at that point accepted the divorce was going to happen. I prayed non-stop for a reconciliation. It did not come.

Me too

I don't know what the future holds, but I do know the stress was killing me slowly. You too will get there as long as you allow yourself to feel all of those feelings - pain and sadness, joy and laughter. Just let them out.

Me too - it's no way to live is it?

You are well on your way to your own mirror work - the only thing we have control over. Once we accept our own shortcomings and the things we want to change it becomes sloowwwwwllllly easier. Then like a boulder rolling down a hill it gains speed.

My hope I suppose is that somehow, in a way I can't see yet, there will be good things that will come for me from all of this. And that if I am even more brave than I have been yet, and step forward, the momentum will build as you say. Tonight, I've been brave. On Weds, a last bit of brave. And then there is nothing left to lose, it's all done and it will be time for a different kind of brave just for me.
BD - Oct 15, mostly silent vanishing husband, diagnosed with severe depression in Dec 15 & seeing psychiatrist/on ADs since then
OW since Apr 16, maybe earlier?
H filed Jan 17.
80/20 strategy for me in 2018

"her soul is fierce, her heart is brave, her mind is strong." R.H Sin
Grace is...Elegance, good will, unearned blessings, a prayer of thanks and how to address a duchess.
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #83 on: January 15, 2018, 04:40:37 PM »
Treasur - the bravery you are mentioning, is based so much in faith. We don't know what our future holds. I am finding just trying to remind myself of those small things helps so much. They could be stupid things - like being grateful that I found 2 matching socks can be all I can muster some days. LOL. I found these daily things slowly built and made me appreciate things more and that positive energy did somehow, seemingly magically multiply. It doesn't mean every day is full of happiness and sunshine. It is better though.  :)

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #84 on: January 15, 2018, 07:03:39 PM »
MLC XH is at it again. He is trying to be nice and tried the tact of "he wants to help out with the kids". I hate being jaded, but my radar was up. Okay, I will bite. I threw out what my week looked like. Tomorrow is another 300 mile day by the looks of things and D has PT in the evening and then again Thursday evening. There are some other things in the mix there that he could help out with. By all accounts he only "legally" has the one client and college courses don't start up. Of course, big surprise, he had all sorts of reasons why he could not help this week. He started whining about wanting to be involved in their life. I responded by telling him it requires giving up your own time and putting them first at times. I left it as "parenting is not an ala carte option". Crickets.

BIL called me. He said XH was really quite rattled last night. Upset with my response. My BIL has known me for 30 years. He said he knows XH must have really pushed me into a corner to get me to respond the way I did. He laughed and said I should know the other in laws will be circling the wagons. I told him I didn't really care. He said he was glad to hear that and for what it is worth, he and SIL will not be joining in the "family reunion". They are still planning on visiting in February. I told him that meant he would be entering the enemy camp. He said it was okay, he had been in worse war zones over the years. Before he hung up, he became serious and asked if I was okay, since he knows this has to be pretty painful to endure. He then laughed and said, "by the way - the response you gave my B, was justified and not unkind. He had it coming". Then he shocked me, as I have never said a word about OW to BIL and SIL. He said his B had no right to not only question me now that we are divorced and it was something XH wanted, but he had no right to judge my morals when he was off having an affair. I didn't ask how BIL knew. I may never know and that is okay. I am just grateful to have one sane in law left.

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #85 on: January 16, 2018, 12:23:54 AM »
You did well at calling him out on his parenting MD. Love your BIL's reaction too ;D
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8451.80 (Denjef's thread)

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #86 on: January 16, 2018, 12:55:42 AM »
MLC XH is at it again. He is trying to be nice and tried the tact of "he wants to help out with the kids". I hate being jaded, but my radar was up.
<...snip...>
He started whining about wanting to be involved in their life. I responded by telling him it requires giving up your own time and putting them first at times. I left it as "parenting is not an ala carte option". Crickets.
Going last to first....

Hey, xH, parenting requires work and sacrifice.. It is NOT about Me  Me Me Me Me.... Welcome to real life...


As far as him wanting to be nice and "help" well, yeah, sure... You handed him his a$$ on a silver platter so it's not a surprise...

BIL called me. He said XH was really quite rattled last night. Upset with my response.

See GIF above.....

My BIL has known me for 30 years. He said he knows XH must have really pushed me into a corner to get me to respond the way I did. He laughed and said I should know the other in laws will be circling the wagons. I told him I didn't really care. He said he was glad to hear that and for what it is worth, he and SIL will not be joining in the "family reunion".

THAT is some SERIOUSLY dysfunctional FOO there... Let's see if I got this right....

1) xH has an affair
2) xH gets his dovorce
3) xH still wants to control who you see and when and how
4) You tell xH to go pack sand where the sun don't shine
5) xH is "upset" at your response
6) The majority of his family believe xH is the aggrieved party?

Uhhhhmmmmmmm ... What part of "Divorced" did they not comprehend? What part of xH CHEATED do they not get? How in their right minds believes an ex should still be able to have influence over their former spouses life? Oh yeah, right..... FOO and MLC all wrapped up in one tidy and neat little family package...

His circus, his monkeys...


Argh! My brain hurts trying to grapple with the infinite number of things wrong with this picture... Gives a whole new definition to "FOO"-BAR

They are still planning on visiting in February. I told him that meant he would be entering the enemy camp. He said it was okay, he had been in worse war zones over the years. Before he hung up, he became serious and asked if I was okay, since he knows this has to be pretty painful to endure. He then laughed and said, "by the way - the response you gave my B, was justified and not unkind. He had it coming". Then he shocked me, as I have never said a word about OW to BIL and SIL. He said his B had no right to not only question me now that we are divorced and it was something XH wanted, but he had no right to judge my morals when he was off having an affair. I didn't ask how BIL knew. I may never know and that is okay. I am just grateful to have one sane in law left.

You may not have said anything about OW to them but you can be pretty sure that the subject came up in some fashion with the kids... the 3 fastest means of communication known to humankind - Telephone, telegraph, Tell-A-Kid.... or xH may have just spilled the beans when he was there... of course, making it look like he HAD to do it because of you...
Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 10
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
No legal action to date

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Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #87 on: January 16, 2018, 08:21:25 AM »
I do not believe this feeling will stay with me forever, but I cannot explain the strange calm that I have felt this morning and by all rights I should have been a train wreck.

I had taken D to school. The roads were a combination of black ice, slush and fresh snow coming down. It was slick, there was no doubt. That rarely rattles me anymore. I don't like driving in it, but it just means adjusting my driving and keeping a serious distance. I had to come back home before my own class. I am not sure what possessed me to take the route I did, as it is not the normal way I would go. Usually my logical mind would have thought it out, as there is a hill on that route that has a very specific name. It is not a huge hill and to the untrained eye the name would fool anyone. It has a reputation for a reason. It is flanked by a fairly large stream and freezes over easily. The minute I turned that way the words went through my head very clearly "what the hell were you thinking"? Followed by "well I am here now" because turning back was not an option. Sure enough, my brakes froze up and it was ice and the slush that pulls you. I knew my options and the potential at the bottom. I was preparing myself for the possibilities. I let my foot off the gas and the brakes and gazed up at the sky and said "it is out of my hands". I knew the only thing I could do not try to control the situation by trying to fight the elements and to just try and steer myself through this potential disaster. I was going on a prayer. I somehow slid down that hill, not going off the side ditches, and avoided a more frightening thought of having to try and get out of a submerged car and somehow avoided the oncoming cars in the intersection.

At the bottom of the hill the roads were still bad but my brakes freed up and back home I went. In the past, I might have pulled over and been shaking. I am not sure what brought on the calm.

I went into work and walked in. My coworker mentioned my haircut and I laughed and said I was going to blame him. It was his fault. LOL. I explained and we were laughing at the absurdity of it all. I had not mentioned my morning. As the students filtered in, my relaxed nature was surprising my students. I couldn't figure out why they were confused by my behavior, this was how I am on a normal day.

Apparently one of the vehicles that witnessed my "driving" was a school bus with 3 of my students. They were all excited.  and recounting the story to the rest of the class about my "mad driving skills". Sure, we will go with that ::). The boys wanted to know how I did it. I said I took my foot off the gas and the brakes. They were clearly confused. I looked at them and assured them that was not my driving skills they witnessed - that was someone was looking out for me this morning. None of them could understand why I was so calm. I, myself cannot explain it. Faith? I have no idea. I just know I felt an odd feeling come over me at the time of knowing it was out of my control and to just accept what might await me.

Thank you SF & UM.

That was not exactly the way I wanted to end my evening, that is for sure. I was in a good, relaxed place before the shenanigans started up. I could feel that tension returning. I decompressed, but this morning I could tell that I did not sleep terribly well.

UM - Yes, your list is accurate and most people would look at that list and see how crazy it is. Now, in MLC land we all know 1-5 are all about the MLCer and nothing makes sense in the real world, but those are typical script responses. The one that is very telling about the FOO issues is in fact #6. His family. That is why I don't see XH getting to that tunnel any time soon. He has a pack of enablers.

I have had this conversation with my BIL - the one who I speak to and who has done the hard work of dealing with his childhood issues. He is the most like XH and it is in many ways a sad reminder of how XH could be in a whole other place if he dealt with his FOO garbage. BIL said it again last night that his family had this odd belief that somehow admitting fault was a sign of weakness. The other part of the conversation was about how his family will cut each other down and yet, they will become fiercely protective and bind together to "protect the family name". He said it is extreme. It is not like people have to air all of their family secrets, but my BIL said his family goes the other extreme and suddenly in their "protective mode" they ignore the realities. It is very much the facade they put on with my now deceased BIL. They enabled his addictions because they did not want to admit to the rest of the world or themselves that there was something wrong. It was more important to put on that mask than to possibly let him crash and get help. They in essence fed the addictions.

This BIL cut his ties with most of his family years ago. He stayed in touch with XH, but the rest - he used to say to me that he loved his family on one level, but he had accepted that in his case blood was not thicker than water. He said it was a tough thing to accept. He is the one in law that did not paint their M in a white-washed manner when she died. He said he loved his M, but for years she was abusive and an alcoholic. She had problems. He gives her credit where she deserves the credit and admits she did get her life together and eventually owned her shortcomings. By then BIL had cut his ties for the most part.

BIL makes no excuses for his M. He is honest about his M. He doesn't cut her down. He understands why she became the way she did - she was self medicating, trying to cope with 6 little ones and was not one to ask for help. FIL was either out to sea and she did not meet others easily, so she stayed cooped up with the kids. As BIL said, she often had no support system in place and was expected to keep up the appearance of being an officer's wife with perfect kids. Keeping 5 boys in line was tough. Add that she was terrified of driving, so she never learned and she felt trapped. It doesn't excuse her actions, but BIL has been honest and for a long time XH was as well about their M. They also realized FIL was oblivious to it all. He didn't want to know about it, so it was not discussed. As far as he was concerned there were no problems.

When MIL died the rest of the siblings began to call their M their "sainted M" and seemed to forget she was not perfect. The history was completely changed. She was the most loving woman ever.

I have no problem remembering the good in people, but this type of mentality perplexed me. My M's F was a loving, wonderful man, but we still joke about how he was of the mind if you turned something down once that was your answer from there on out. My sister trimmed their hedgerow one spring and he asked what he owed her. She said not to worry about it. That fall he asked if she could help again. She didn't do it for the money, but my grandmother would slip her money because my grandfather never offered to pay her again -- ever. She trimmed those blasted hedges for years after that. We are sure he knew my grandmother would make it right, but that was how he operated. It is part of what we loved about him - it was one of those funny family jokes and it was funny because we knew that we could always count on him though. He was there for every school event, etc. It was just one of his "things".

FIL is a whole other level of messed up. It took me years to realize how screwed up he really was. When he lived with his second wife, she actually brought out the best in him. I see that now. I believe in FIL/MIL's case they really did not get to know each other before getting married. They dated briefly and the kids came immediately after. FIL was not involved in the kids' raising. MIL told me she hated sex. There was a lot wrong in their marriage and I think the facade was in place at home as well. That said, I think at the end of the day, when FIL realized what he was missing it was that had he and MIL worked things out that the family might not have been fractured and he often mentioned not knowing his grandchildren that well. But, but the time he realized this MIL died and he left his second W. I think the bitterness settled in and I was subjected to not only MLC XH projecting, but FIL was having his own crisis - not MLC, but one of the reality that he in many ways had regrets - many regrets. There too, he had the opportunity to make some of that right, but for 15 years steeped instead in blame and not taking any responsibility.

All of this is why I don't see my XH breaking free of the madness anytime soon. When you have a cheering section what is the motivation to change. His other family members are going to keep this going and it fuels their own needs. Sad - just sad.

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #88 on: January 16, 2018, 04:27:41 PM »
Glad your "made driving skills" got you through MD, that was one he!! of a ride.

I know what you mean about the calmness during these times.  Maybe our brain goes into protection mode at times like this to save us.

Take a different route tomorrow!
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8451.80 (Denjef's thread)

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #89 on: January 16, 2018, 06:14:23 PM »
SF - "driving skills" really were more pure prayers at that point - LOL.

I was at the store and saw a guy I grew up with. He asked how I was and I laughed telling him about my adventure this morning. He said "what the heck were you thinking". Clearly not thinking this morning. He joked with me and wondered if I was trying to have one of those moments where you cheat death to feel alive. Ah---no.  ;D

That route is off my list for quite awhile. I don't mind a little excitement, but I don't think I will be trying my luck again on that hill this time of year.

This morning I reached into my jewelry box looking for a pair of earrings and I found my wedding ring. I took one look at it and without hesitation I put it on my right hand. Anyone who has seen my ring would not peg it for an engagement/wedding ring. I have always liked the ring for a variety of reasons. When we had it designed the jeweler said it was a "piece of poetry". I never quite got that out of it, but I do like it. It did not make me get all nostalgic this morning. It was odd to not have it make me monkey brain.

I met my friend for lunch. I have known her since the 6th grade and she has known my XH for 30 years. She gave me the once over and started laughing. She started by saying I looked fantastic, but what did "Idiot Boy" do this time. (She calls him this when she knows he has done something or said something stupid during his crisis - and she is very compassionate -- understanding he is in crisis and this is not his normal behavior). She was commenting on the shorter hair and the color change. I told her I knew it was a bit of a juvenile response on my part, knowing he hated when I colored my hair darker and he preferred my hair longer. She laughed and said it looked very sexy. I told her what happened and she shook her head, saying "what did he think was going to happen when the divorce was final"? She said he has forgotten that I was not exactly sitting home every weekend before him. She was not inferring I was out all the time, but she knows I kept myself busy. I was often in the studio working. I was not waiting for life to happen.

When we sat down she grabbed my right hand and started cracking up - and wondered if I had hit my head on my drive in. I shrugged and said I guessed it is part of my acceptance. My marriage is over. That man is dead and I will hold on to the happy memories. The ring only symbolizes what was and on my right hand does not have the same meaning. I told her that I will embrace it as a symbol of my new family - the ruby in the middle is me and both sides have diamonds - which are my kids. She said it sounded like a healthy thought.

A few months ago, that ring would have brought the waterworks. It didn't burn my finger when I put it on. No discomfort. I am going to continue to enjoy it. I am sure those who recognize it will be curious and that is okay. It is too pretty to sit in the depths of my jewelry box.  :)

Offline bipolared

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #90 on: January 16, 2018, 06:25:33 PM »
You sound wonderful, Mourning.  I love that you wear your ring because it is lovely and you like it.  I have a necklace that H brought me from New Orleans.  I decided I would wear it because its a pretty piece of jewelry and I like it.  Truth be told I also think of it as sort of a talisman, but its nice when we can get past the memories and just enjoy things for what they are.
I'm not looking for my other half because I'm not half a person.

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #91 on: January 16, 2018, 06:41:06 PM »
Thank you, bipolared.  :)

I never thought I would get to this point. It is a relief to not have every thing related to XH set me off. I was telling a friend of mine the other day, I do not want to burn all of my wedding photos, etc. I am glad I didn't do that early on, which was certainly a thought when I was so angry. My marriage was not perfect, but the man I married I would marry again. This version of that man is someone I just don't know. I will honor what was.

The other side of that is I am also not holding onto what was. It is in the past. I think that was the hardest thing to let go of. That desire to hold onto those memories so tightly waiting for the crisis to end. Had I continued to hold on so tightly, I would have become stuck.

I was listening to a song today that was part of my whole MLC play list. It is about being emotionally beaten down and feeling like you are drowning and how it is about saving yourself.  I don't know why today it was so much clearer than it had been in the past. I was drowning at one point in the MLC madness. XH's monster was brutal and continues to reappear. I had to save myself so that I could save the kids as well. I had to make a choice. Holding on to that desire for the crisis to end was like a weight pulling me down.

I no longer feel like I am drowning.  :)

Online Treasur

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #92 on: January 17, 2018, 12:16:29 AM »
My marriage was not perfect, but the man I married I would marry again. This version of that man is someone I just don't know. I will honor what was.
Just precisely where I am, Mourning, ironically as his divorce hits the final straight. I chewed on it for a bit, but I would marry the man I married again too. Treating the MLC version with kindness and respect is really for me about honouring who he was. An act of faith maybe that he will recover and find that man again, even if I don't see it.

The other side of that is I am also not holding onto what was. It is in the past. I think that was the hardest thing to let go of. That desire to hold onto those memories so tightly waiting for the crisis to end. Had I continued to hold on so tightly, I would have become stuck.
Me too...and it did keep me stuck. I'm not quite where you are yet, but getting closer to it. Because now is as real as then...and the future isn't visible yet.
BD - Oct 15, mostly silent vanishing husband, diagnosed with severe depression in Dec 15 & seeing psychiatrist/on ADs since then
OW since Apr 16, maybe earlier?
H filed Jan 17.
80/20 strategy for me in 2018

"her soul is fierce, her heart is brave, her mind is strong." R.H Sin
Grace is...Elegance, good will, unearned blessings, a prayer of thanks and how to address a duchess.
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #93 on: January 17, 2018, 02:05:03 AM »
Quote
My marriage was not perfect, but the man I married I would marry again. This version of that man is someone I just don't know. I will honor what was.

Change the sex of the subject and yep... Exactly right...

Quote
The other side of that is I am also not holding onto what was. It is in the past. I think that was the hardest thing to let go of. That desire to hold onto those memories so tightly waiting for the crisis to end. Had I continued to hold on so tightly, I would have become stuck.

There is a saying, I believe attributed to Confucius,

"If you are living in Regret, you are living in the past,
If you are living in fear, you are living in the future,
If you are living in peace, you are living in the present."

The past is the past. It is done, we can not change it. We can, however, learn from it.
The future is not yet here. We do not know what it holds, we can not control it, we can not look into it to gain foresight as to what will take place so why worry about something that may or may not happen.
The present is now, it is real, it is what is transpiring before our eyes. It is what we can reach out, grasp, hold. It is what we can exert influence over, it is what we can control to some extent...

Quote
I told her what happened and she shook her head, saying "what did he think was going to happen when the divorce was final"? She said he has forgotten that I was not exactly sitting home every weekend before him. She was not inferring I was out all the time, but she knows I kept myself busy. I was often in the studio working. I was not waiting for life to happen.

And that IS the real question... What DID he expect? It appears that he is following the script to the letter because apparently you were supposed to be sitting at home pining away in a puddle of bitter tears crocheting lace doilies...

Hey Buddy, in case you hadn't recognized it DOVES HAVE WINGS! THEY CAN FLY IF THEY WISH!

MLC-


Quote
It didn't burn my finger when I put it on. No discomfort. I am going to continue to enjoy it. I am sure those who recognize it will be curious and that is okay. It is too pretty to sit in the depths of my jewelry box.

I occasionally wonder what my mid-lifer has done with her engagement ring or the necklace I had made for her as a wedding gift.... She complained about getting a rash on her finger when she wore either the wedding ring (which was a simple band) or her engagement ring (which was a 1.2 carat Solitaire)... The necklace I designed and had made by a Goldsmith in Frankfurt had a 0.7 carat Solitaire in it as well... I guess I just have to get used to the idea that they are/were hers to do with as she wished but I could also foresee that she will have to get rid of them in order to eliminate yet another object that triggers guilt... What a pity...

« Last Edit: January 17, 2018, 02:34:42 AM by UrsaMajor »
Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 10
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
No legal action to date

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online Treasur

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #94 on: January 17, 2018, 02:21:59 AM »
My ring is on my left hand right now. I will probably move it to my right after our convo this evening, part of letting go of my H but honouring my M as it was and a reminder to hope for my H's recovery. But also forcing myself to accept the present, as UM says, that I am no longer his W because he chose this path for both of us. Doesn't feel good but it probably is necessary and healthy for me to do.

His wedding ring (which he returned with post watchgate guilt but really, really didn't want to) is on a chain round my neck along with my cross. It comforts me right now and sometimes when I pray for him before going to sleep, I hook my finger into it and can see his hand wearing it for so many years. He never took it off until Nov 16 when he stole the watch in some kind of rage with me. (I know   ???)  I suspect, maybe for our first post-divorce anniversary in Sept, I will choose to let him have it back. I know it matters to him very much even if that makes no sense given his actions...I can't yet, but I'll know when I can.
BD - Oct 15, mostly silent vanishing husband, diagnosed with severe depression in Dec 15 & seeing psychiatrist/on ADs since then
OW since Apr 16, maybe earlier?
H filed Jan 17.
80/20 strategy for me in 2018

"her soul is fierce, her heart is brave, her mind is strong." R.H Sin
Grace is...Elegance, good will, unearned blessings, a prayer of thanks and how to address a duchess.
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #95 on: January 17, 2018, 06:52:40 AM »
UM - really, Confucius and Yoda all in one morning - LOL  I am not sure I am ready for so much wisdom :)

Treasur - I took my ring on and off for some time. At one point I put it back on and wore it faithfully until the final papers for my divorce were signed. Some of it was my own desire to honor my own vows. I didn't want the divorce. I know XH noticed I was still wearing the ring for a long time. My own silent protest in some ways. When I was ready I took them off.

I didn't really over think it yesterday.

XH wanted his ring back early on. He hadn't worn it in years. I actually wore it when he found he was getting it caught when he worked with S in the garage. He informed me at BD#2 he was going to sell it. I refused to give it to him at that point only because I thought it would be something he would regret. Then he requested it again, when he tried to negotiate it in an attempt to circumvent the settlement agreement and realized he walked away from some valuable art work. I put the ring in a bag and put it with the mail that still was arriving here for him. He would pick up his mail. The ring was always on top. He has yet to take it. It is still there very prominently displayed. I will eventually put it in a drawer and I am not sure what I will do with it.

This morning the history teacher was out sick. They brought in a sub. It took me a bit, but I finally recognized him later in the morning. He used to teach metal smithing at one of the other schools. My coworker came in and told me he was switching to the History room for the day. I had fun at his expense and said he did not need to be so over sensitive. He started to explain why he was switching and then burst out laughing, realizing I was yanking his chain. I know he is certified in History, but I had told him about how boiling lobster was now illegal in some countries. Fun to get a former chef riled up - LOL.

My class was thrown by the substitute. What most people don't understand is I am pretty humble and quiet about my connections, etc. I was running around explaining something to one of the kids and I know sometimes they have a hard time believing teachers having skills beyond the classroom. All of a sudden the sub put 2 and 2 together. He stopped and said, OMG, do you kids realize what a gem you have here. They looked perplexed. He said, she knows what she is talking about -- don't you know who her F is? And there it was. I have been outed. I rolled with it and when one kid asked a question - I rolled up my sleeve and showed him a small scar on my wrist. I did not miss a beat and said "cut off wheel gone amok - and named the sculpture". I went back to work.
 
I am not upset. I am proud of my F, but I am not only protective of his desire to just work and not to be a side show, I don't define myself or him by just those accomplishments. I am there to do a job and frankly it can be more intimidating for kids and I find that they need to believe in themselves. They need to know I am there to focus on their successes not anyone else's.

Add to that now my coworker knows and he came in and said to me "you are keeping secrets from me". I told him I am an open book, what did he want to know. I told him the difference was I don't just spill information - you have to ask. Most things I will answer.  :)

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #96 on: January 17, 2018, 10:40:20 AM »
I am very patient, but some people are just beyond aggravating - LOL

Miss Management had asked me 3 weeks ago about covering on a Sunday for someone. The original question came via text. I texted her back originally and said I would go home and double check against the calendar at home. I sent her a text back saying I had that Sunday clear, so I would cover. I then emailed her, put it on our master calendar, texted her again to confirm and left her a note (I know the drill with her - leave no questions).

I was teaching my community class and a text came in. Miss Management wanted to know if I was available that same Sunday. I muttered under my breath "you have got to be effing kidding me". My one student heard me and burst out laughing - they are not used to me being frustrated - LOL. I guess, I forgot to send smoke signals, a telegram and a message by Carrier Pigeon. I know enough not to trust the postal service in my area -  ::) Honestly - LOL.

I came home and more rumblings from XH. Ignoring his desire to engage. I will maybe be moved to answer later. I am going to sit and drink a cup of tea and just enjoy a few moments of sitting in my kitchen and feeling the warm sunshine spill in. It may be freezing out, but in the kitchen the sun is making it feel like summer.  :)

If I didn't have to go out again soon again to pick up D, I would be gearing up for a walk. I will make sure I get that in as well today. I so need it - my tension is returning in my neck and I know I need to shake it off.

I also know I need to get the Christmas tree taken down. D had begged me to keep it up longer this year. It was something I had hoped to get done this past weekend, but it did not happen. I want my corner back. I need to move my easel back down into my art area, but I am thinking I might commandeer that corner for awhile. The light coming in that corner is really making me quite happy and inspired. I have a huge exhibit to prepare for in June. That is not all that far away and I suppose some new work would be a good thing to add to the mix.  :)

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #97 on: January 17, 2018, 03:19:21 PM »
I still have not answered my XH. His texts today really do not warrant a response.

This afternoon my neighbor stopped by. He and XH were always good friends. When XH left this neighbor came to let me know he was still going to talk to XH if that was okay. I remember laughing at him and telling him I did not expect him to take sides and XH needed a friend, as I was not convinced his new friends really had his back. I know my neighbor has never put up with the spew XH used let out. He would tell XH they could go out for a beer, but they were not there to demonize me. After XH moved out he once told me that if it ever came down to it, he would side with me, because he did not like how XH was treating me. He had heard by then about XH wanting to drag S into court. This neighbor has been there for S for years, so I assume this was something he learned from S, as I know I never spoke to him or his W about the specifics of what was going on.

Today he popped in just to check on me. I see him a couple of times a day, as he drives to and from work and I am usually walking the dog. He got a text from XH it would seem. He is was laughing and asked what exactly happened that has XH so rattled. I told him I was stirring up scandal in the neighborhood and had a man in my driveway. When he heard the story he was just about in tears laughing. When I explained what had followed with XH having a meltdown and my response he shook his head in disbelief. He knows of XH's previous accusations and he said he just cannot understand the insanity of it all.

It is insane, but what about MLC isn't at times?

My department coordinator called. She was apologizing for not having my classes up yet. I am not sure what my schedule is going to be for the Spring. That is always a bit unnerving this late in the game, but I know she has my back and when she told me the options, I told her she could count on me to pick up whatever they need me to. It may mean night courses. It is not optimal, but that is what my life is right now. I will adjust to it and know I have to glide through the next few months before making any huge changes in my employment. I can't mess with things too much. Right now the kids are the priority. With them both home, especially D, I have to have the flexibility right now. Once she goes off to college, the need for this erratic schedule will subside. I will pull out the positives in what this new schedule may bring.

In many ways, I prefer the caliber of night students. Most of them work full time or are often older - maturity wise. The younger students rise to their level. I have found I can push them further than my daytime students.

The extreme in my situation will be dealing with the high school level in the mornings. However, this might be what I need. The high school students show a spark and the night students challenge me in a different way. It could be this is what really needs to happen for me right now.

Tonight though, I have a different challenge. I have 4 bios in front of me written about my F. He normally will edit the pieces, and is a very gifted writer. His command of the English language far surpasses mine. But he has been pretty distracted by a couple of challenges in his studio. There is a large retrospective of his work coming up soon and the bios written have some inaccuracies and one is just poorly written in general. My M asked me if I would take a stab at it. I hate compiling other people's writings. And trying to write something about my F is not as easy as it would seem. There is a lot to compile into a short little blurb. My sister is having a great time laughing at me. She hates writing with a passion and knows what is sitting in front of me. I believe she said "Good luck with that" - I called her a brat  ;D Love my sister - LOL.

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #98 on: January 17, 2018, 04:03:11 PM »
He wants to "help out with the kids."  That just always rubs me the wrong way. YOU ARE THEIR FATHER!!!!! It is almost as if they truly believe they are outsiders in this life. Their "new" lives are what is real to them, and their old lives, including children, no longer exist. So an offer to "help" is simply the MLCer being altruistic. Amazing really.
Me 46
H 45
S11
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo.

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #99 on: January 17, 2018, 05:12:22 PM »
KIT - It does get old - LOL. Crisis aside, that is the hard part to digest. Leave me -- not what I wanted, but okay that I can at least semi-wrap my head around. The kids is a whole other level of MLC screwed up.

If my XH actually was making an effort to "help out" and it were a case of he was trying to feel out how to coparent, that I could buy into. But the crap he is selling - not interested. Especially when recent history has shown even then I cannot really count on him to follow through, or if he does I might get a random call from D that hey, F had a meeting and can't bring me home. The last time that put me an hour in the opposite direction and I had to leave in the middle of a paying job. Kind of wears thin and I am only grateful the people I do work for understand I am dealing with crazy. If I were working a "normal" job, I probably would have lost my job by now with all of the games XH played.

I really do have compassion and wish he would be even a fraction of what he was as a F.

I don't know if it is guilt or what that drives them away in the parental role. I often view my XH like the unreliable older sibling. When my kids are more reliable and S often has helped out with D's schedule it is rather frustrating. It is great he is willing to help out, but it is not his job. More frustrating is when XH tells me he doesn't want to travel that far. Tough to buy into when I know he travels this way for his client (3 miles from the house) at least 2-3 times a week. But, then he also has to rush home to take care of his "doggie". Lucky dog ::)

But, as I told my coworker yesterday "I'm gonna go to sleep and let this wash all over me...we don't want the loonies taking over".  LOL - He caught the Radiohead reference  ;)
« Last Edit: January 17, 2018, 05:14:16 PM by MourningDove »

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #100 on: January 17, 2018, 06:16:10 PM »
Okay - my head is going to hurt by the end of the evening from pounding it against a wall in disbelief. I should not be surprised at the levels of MLC stupid.

S stayed home from work today. He was not feeling well last night. This morning he was running a fever and has a sore throat and looks like death warmed over. He is definitely sick.

MLC XH is in monster form and wanted to know if D and S were planning on going to dinner tomorrow night. D has been on the same PT schedule now for nearly 3 months. We have her on a set rotation of Tuesday/Thursday evenings. Not exactly a new thing. S is sick and I don't anticipate him being suddenly better tomorrow, or at least up and at 100%. If nothing else, most of us would understand if his answer to his F "I have to see how I feel tomorrow and I will let you know". But no, MLC monster is put out. In the land of self-absorption it has to be about his wants and desires.

Gonna let it wash all over me ::) Okay, and I am going to have a second glass of wine tonight with that thought.  ;D

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #101 on: January 17, 2018, 07:10:10 PM »
The fog is thick where you H lives  MD ;D

The MLCer really doesn't think about anyone but themselves do they >:(

I don't know if it is guilt or what that drives them away in the parental role. I often view my XH like the unreliable older sibling. When my kids are more reliable and S often has helped out with D's schedule it is rather frustrating. It is great he is willing to help out, but it is not his job. More frustrating is when XH tells me he doesn't want to travel that far. Tough to buy into when I know he travels this way for his client (3 miles from the house) at least 2-3 times a week. But, then he also has to rush home to take care of his "doggie". Lucky dog ::)

It's sad about not being a good parent during MLC but to be honest, I would rather they just got on with the crisis and stayed away, as they are such a terrible role model for the kids, they are  better off at a distance.

My XH was the opposite at BD.  He had been in MLC for quite a while before I saw the red flags, I though he was just tired from his job.

He had worked hard on getting the kids to believe I was crazy so that when he left, I would not be supported  by them.  It worked.  He moved two of our four children out of the house due to my 'madness' a year after BD and after gaslighting me daily to show the kids I was totally gaga ::)

He became 'Superdad', had the children live with him.  After a few months they all left him.  Apparently he was so difficult to get on with, they couldn't take it anymore but they did  not come back to me. The damage had been done.

He is now similar to the others on here.  Sees them rarely but when he does, makes a big production out of it because I "won't see them" according to him.


They don't see anything but what THEY want from life and the children are often being looked after by the LBS so they see no reason to interfere.  They are off with the OW making such a happy life together, after all ;)

As you say MD, let his stuff wash over you.  There is nothing you can do to change him but you can stop yourself from reacting to the madness.  When  we get to that point, we know we have "made it".
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8451.80 (Denjef's thread)

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #102 on: January 17, 2018, 07:24:26 PM »
SF - Yes, the idea of letting it "wash over me" is now my mantra. I can't control it and it is just more drama. Most days the kids let it roll as well. They too have learned to just shake their heads.

Right now I am at a complete loss as to what to say. My friend just texted. I have not gotten around to get my phone updated and my stupid phone decides when it is going to go off and when it is not. (If only it would do this when XH tries to contact me - LOL. And for the record, I would block him, but I do want to make sure at least for now that he has access to the kids, but I often wonder why).

My friend just moved and had a horrific day yesterday with her move. We have been there for each other through some tough times. Her F just passed tonight. The phone did not ding and I was joking around with D. I know she has support now with people who care about her, but I don't even know what to say or do for her. She knows, she is one of my inner circle people and whatever she needs I will give, without question. It doesn't mean I don't feel for her. I have told her I am here. For anyone in that inner circle they know they can call me at 3am and I will answer. But, it is weird. If she had been here, I would have gotten in the car and just driven to her apartment if she had needed me to let her cry it out. I am at a loss as to what to do for her besides pray for her and let her know I am here.

Such big changes she has encountered this New Year. A new move, a new job -- a new life beginning. Good karma. Her things just arrived today and she had called me earlier and said her F had only months. Who knew it would only be hours. Maybe it is a blessing, but I cannot imagine how she is feeling. This has to be overwhelming.

But, she is stronger than anyone I know. She will somehow manage to move forward and I am so grateful she has her S nearby and a man who loves her dearly. She is in the right place. The tears I shed tonight are for her, because I know she must be in pain right now.

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #103 on: January 17, 2018, 07:39:02 PM »
All your friend needs right now is to know you are here for her, she needs to be able to grieve the loss.

She will reach out if she needs something from you.  Just keep in touch with her to make sure she is ok.  It's been a difficult time for many at the beginning of 2018. 
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8451.80 (Denjef's thread)

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #104 on: January 17, 2018, 08:41:19 PM »
SF - I know you are right. She will reach out. As I said, I am glad she has a support system there for her. It has been a tough beginning of the year for so many.  :-\

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #105 on: January 18, 2018, 04:57:31 AM »
I was driving D into school. I had just dropped her off. The air is still very cold, but the sun has been warming up the surfaces a bit. I came upon one of the underpasses and huge sheets of ice broke off. Nothing dangerous, but a visual for me.

I am in "thinky mode" I guess. I watched the sheets smash onto the road, shattering as they hit the pavement. I thought about how this is exactly how I felt at BD, as if things were hitting pavement and shattering. It was devastating. I know that we are supposed to get more snow in the next few days, so new ice will form on this underpass. At some point, those sheets of ice will also fall away.

Today, it has a slightly new, maybe more positive thought followed me. It is maybe realizing there will be more destructive moments that will probably show up in my life. Maybe not MLC destructive, but life is of course never a linear path. Those pieces that fall away will be be replaced by new ones and like the ice on the underpass they have the potential for danger but there is a beauty about those sheets of ice, just like the formations in life.

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #106 on: January 18, 2018, 08:59:51 AM »
Here the fire department will often have to go to certain underpasses and break off the icicles hanging over the road... Some gat get to be a couple of feet long so ...

Your friend knows the vagaries of your phone, I am sure so she be understanding. As you norted, she also has support right there which is really invaluable.

Going back a couple of posts of yours... If the kids have phones, why does he need to bother you now?  I understand that he is a real piece of work with text bombing D and it seems that the cheese brain has struck in that he has again forgotten that D has PT on specific nights and has had that for a while.... Not to mention S having a fever... <grumble, muttering NSFHS names for xh under my breath> but does he need you to be the messenger? I doubt that...
Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 10
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
No legal action to date

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Bailmor

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #107 on: January 18, 2018, 02:41:10 PM »
MD, I too hurt knowing the passing of one’s family member.  But she will get through this as I know she is an extremely strong woman!

As for your next post, I thought about your picture of the ice falling and shattering.  Think of it this way in terms of MLC.  The ice falls, shatters into millions of pieces, then the sun melts and dries the pieces on the ground’s surface and things will soon be back to a normal and no one will ever know the sheet of ice came crashing down.  Years from now, all this MLC crap will be so far in our rear view, we will move forward to bigger and better things.
If you are feeling down, know that God Has always had a wonderful plans for you.  Unfortunately, there are things that happen and forces that work to try and keep us from reaching what He has for us.  The good news is that there is healing at work.  God is always working in and through your life to try to get you to where He wants you.

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #108 on: January 18, 2018, 05:31:33 PM »
UM - LOL - you are funny (sarcasm in place  ;D We all know why the MLCer is not leaving me alone. I am being the good "coparent" until D turns 18. After that, if he is insistent upon text bombing, he is going to find that once that magic number hits, we will all be blocking him at some point. I never answered this batch of texts. It was just white noise.  ;)

Bailmor - yes, the ice does melt and your'e right, MLC will be very much like the scar on my arm from years ago. I remember the break and the operation afterwards, but the pain is long gone. It aches once in awhile, but it isn't the same type of pain. It is already so much better than it was several months ago :)

And yes, that friend is one hell of a strong woman :)

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #109 on: January 19, 2018, 05:33:06 AM »
I took D to PT last night. I dropped her off and decided to go grab a latte. I drove past my friend's road and thought about her, knowing she was hurting and processing but so glad she has strong arms to hug her.  :)

I drove back to PT and ready to sit down for the remaining hour. I suddenly felt incredibly tired. D was fine until we got in the car to go home. I always anticipate Thursday evenings being this way. It is the end of the week and D is usually loaded with homework, etc no matter how well she plans things out. She has an exam this morning. I knew I was in for a potentially intense D who would be quite cranky. I was not disappointed in my prediction - WOW. I made dinner, which I could have skipped at that point. I didn't even clean up the dishes. I told D to get to her homework, I was going to bed. It was 7:30 PM. She thought I was sick, but I was just sick of the running around and being "the parent".

I told her not to worry, rest would do me some good.

I locked myself in my room. The dog was confused. The cats were locked out. I was in my escape pod - LOL. It was not like locking out the world. I was on my computer, and my friend texted me. My coworker texted me the exam schedule for next week. I was not completely shut out, but I just didn't want to be a parent at that moment. And both kids know if they really needed me, I would not be nearly so selfish. I just could not take it last night.

This morning, D had leveled out and maybe I had too. I needed to hide for a bit.

This morning I started to beat myself up for not doing the dishes and getting some things done around here. It would not have taken me that long to do the dishes. But, I am forgiving myself. I needed that break.

S dragged himself off to work. He is still not looking well. Better, but he is still not 100%. I told him I was home all day and if he wanted to come home at lunch time, I would make him a warm meal.

I know part of the stress is I am doing a bit of financial juggling this month. There are checks floating out there that are supposed to arrive from freelance jobs. It is not a new thing in terms of I am used to the uncertainty to a degree. XH having been self employed for years often brought times when we had to track down checks from clients. But, we had my regular income and he was earning good money by then. This feels more like when he first started his company. Not easy for the woman who used to pay her bills the day they arrived in the mail. I had adjusted over the years. Remarkably, I am not nearly as freaked out as I could be. I had to take a hit on paying something late and set up and arrangement to give me another week. I know I have the money right now, but I am not willing to chance this other check not showing up and finding myself having to either borrow or be on complete fumes. I can't count on XH to send a check in a timely manner. So, I will eat the $2 fine.

It is a not the small fee, it is the responsible side of me not liking spending money I don't have to and not liking being that person who doesn't pay on time. But, over the past few months I have learned I always get things paid. I have accepted that I allowed my XH to put us into this financial chasm. I have to crawl out. I have heard from other LBS it took them time. A friend of mine who is a very successful businesswoman went through a similar thing. She told me it took her 5 years of this struggle. I am accepting this is my new reality. I may be in this cycle for awhile. She assures me as long as I keep chipping away it will fall into place. Not an easy thing for me to wrap my head around. I am getting there.

This morning I am just centering myself and saying I have already come a long way. This is just part of the climb I have ahead of me. So, I suppose like climbing a mountain, along the way I have to stop, breathe, rest a bit and then keep climbing.  :)

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #110 on: January 19, 2018, 08:39:01 AM »
I am not sure D will find the humor in it, but S and I have enjoyed our little joke.  :)

D was stressing out this morning, so I packed her lunch. I forgot she has a recent aversion to paper bags and her lunch bag is no longer what she will carry. So, she unpacked it all and put it in her backpack, leaving half of it in the car. Of course, I was home right as she texted me. Now, normally I would tell her to suck it up since she did have some of her food and has a late lunch, with dismissal shortly following. She could have managed. But, with exams, I am not tempting the angry teenage beast.

I told her I would bring it over before her lunch period. Then she requested a knife and fork as well. She did giggle when I mentioned I wasn't sure I could trust her with "weaponry" and said I might have a baby spoon for her somewhere.

S came home early. His boss wants him to lay low until Monday. S says he feels better, but he does look rough around the edges. LOL. He hates missing work and worse yet, laying around. So, I sent him out to deliver D's lunch. But before we packed it into the "dreaded paper bag" we both looked at each other with a mischievous look in our eyes. She will be unpacking her chicken, salad and silverware, with a couple of extra things. S put in a small jar of spices in there that have no place on chicken, a rubber band ball and a rubber duckie we have in the bathroom that the kids have always loved. This should be great fun.  ;)

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #111 on: January 19, 2018, 06:01:40 PM »
I WAS enjoying my afternoon - LOL.

I had to pick D up at school and then she asked if I would drop her off at her boyfriend's house. His M waved as I dropped her off.

I called my friend back, who had called right as I was getting to drop D off. We talked for awhile and she sounds like she is settling in a bit. It was good to hear her voice :)

No sooner had I hung up and my phone was going a bit crazy. My M had a couple of questions for me. My sister sent some more questions. My coworker had a funny story to tell me about one of the students. And then it was XH. He wanted to know if I was at work. No, home. He asked if we could talk. I could feel my body tense a bit. Sure.

I expected he was at his client's and was half expecting him to come through the door. No. Surprise. He called me. I can't remember the last time I spoke to him on the phone. Can't say that I was terribly thrilled to talk to him. Strange how things change. Last year my heart would have possibly leapt at his voice on the other end.

He ran into a former student of ours from 20 years ago. He went on to tell me how he has put on weight, is dating a woman much older than him and is a grandfather. All the time he is telling me this I am wondering where the heck this conversation is going. He then makes some comment about how he is surprised at all of these younger men that are going out with older women. As he rattled on - and it was rather rapid fire, much like his texts sometimes are, I just listened. He stopped for a bit and I calmly explained to him that I have kept in touch with this student through FaceBook over the years. (XH has seen him, but is clearly deep in his fog). I said, of course he has gained weight - he was 18 when we had him as a student. He is now at least 38, it happens. The woman he is dating might have 5 years on him and she had a child at a young age. So I believe her daughter might be 25 herself, so a grandchild is not a surprise. He has been dating her for years. This is all old news. I did fire back that it happens and maybe some of these younger men see what these guys stupidly threw away.

I was quite perplexed. XH is clearly confused. He had kept in touch with this guy. Has he really forgotten all of this? Why was he telling me all of this? He seemed to think he was somehow sharing some news I somehow would not know, but again, I have been in contact with this guy for years. XH prior to MLC knew this.

Then XH asked about S. Heard he was home. I said work sent him home. XH was surprised. He said S just said he was home from work. So, now S is abbreviating his conversations with XH. Strangely, he spent a good 1/2 hour on the phone with my sister. My sister knows more about S than his F. Wow.

Then XH asked about D and college. He wanted to tell me her 1st choice (which is off the table) is not rated highly, etc. I said that is old data and informed him she is investigating other alternatives. And then there it was - he said if she does not talk to him, in spite of what our divorce settlement says, she will have to talk to him if she thinks he is going to pay for any of it. That did it. I told him I was done talking.

I left a bit early to pick up D and did some driving to let off some steam. Talking to the MLCer is mind numbing. I am glad this is not a regular occurrence.

Luckily, both kids were in good moods tonight and they decided to gang up on me. My S wants to know what my age threshold is for dating, since today the former boxer that drives by every day and stops to talk to me invited me for coffee this morning. He is 75 and I happen to know his XW moved back in with him. Hmmm- no, I am good. LOL. On the opposite end of the spectrum I have the history of the drive thru invite. He was 19 and that is definitely out. My kids laughed and said since my coworker was at the house they decided to have fun at my expense over the rumor and said clearly my age threshold is 30 and he just made the cut.

God help any man that decides to enter into this crazy world of mine. He had better be able to navigate 2 very funny teenagers who are not afraid of adults and have a brutal sense of humor, especially when they pair up like a couple of velociraptors. Yikes ;)

Offline Watcher

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #112 on: January 19, 2018, 08:40:49 PM »
Oh MourningDove,

I do have to agree that velociraptors can be quite intimidating, especially the teenage variety. Yikes indeed, lol. 

I haven't posted on your thread in awhile. Hmm, still scaring people, hahaha. OK  I will go back to my mess of a life now.  ::)

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #113 on: January 19, 2018, 09:58:06 PM »
All I can do is just shake my head at your xH and his shenanigans.  I love your snappy comeback to his obvious reference/hint to the whole younger men thing.

Teenage velociraptors are so much fun!  Ha ha ha!


Love the little "extras" in D's lunch bag.   :P
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9711.0

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Online Treasur

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #114 on: January 19, 2018, 11:46:19 PM »
Just love your funny pair of velociraptors, Mourning  ;D

XH...pretty simple from here...think the rumours have got him thinking about older women and younger chaps...think he has normal MLC time/memory problems...and think the D swipe is a control thing because a) he feels excluded from family/decision (I know, I know  ???) and b) he didn't get whatever he wanted to get from the phone call so decided to throw some toys out of the pram.

IDK if it's what you want, Mourning, but I wouldn't be at all surprised if there are more calls to come...
BD - Oct 15, mostly silent vanishing husband, diagnosed with severe depression in Dec 15 & seeing psychiatrist/on ADs since then
OW since Apr 16, maybe earlier?
H filed Jan 17.
80/20 strategy for me in 2018

"her soul is fierce, her heart is brave, her mind is strong." R.H Sin
Grace is...Elegance, good will, unearned blessings, a prayer of thanks and how to address a duchess.
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #115 on: January 20, 2018, 05:15:01 AM »
Watcher - What makes my "velociraptors" even more intimidating is they have been raised in farm country and they will joke with anyone about how they know how to dispose of bodies.  ;D (S will say it while laughing. D is the one that scares people because she can add "the look" and make you think she is really processing that thought). It is a good thing neither of my kids are violent - LOL

FaithWalker - D was not impressed by her "treats". I got a shrug and a "meh" as a response. S and I were disappointed that she took the food and utensils out of the bag and didn't even bring everything with her to lunch. We had hoped for the great unveil at the lunch table. S and I would never do anything to really embarrass her - that is just cruel, but we know who she sits with and they have all been here countless times and would see the humor. Now it is "game on" and S and I will be trying to get her now ;D The only thing S and I have said is we do have to be careful though. In our house the rule is you have one year to get someone back for a joke and D is really quite proficient at it. We will choose wisely ;D

Treasur - Now that XH has broken his pattern and called, yes, I know he will be thinking we are suddenly "buddies" and can talk. I will listen, but I am no longer interested in reconnecting. Besides, as long as he is in his MLC fog, which clearly he is, there is no point in any of those potential thoughts I would have been thinking last year.

As for throwing the toys out of the pram - thank you for that visual - LOL All I can think about now is the day he got so mad at me that he put his fingers in his ears and told me he was not going to listen to me and he walked around like that for at least 10 minutes, like a 6 year old. That was one of those moments of WTF??? and I knew I was not dealing with my once rational adult spouse.

Both of my little raptors are still asleep. I may be safe at least for a couple of hours.  ;)

Offline Watcher

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #116 on: January 20, 2018, 07:49:30 AM »
Thats what I mean MourningDove. Velociraptors and body disposal. Very scary stuff. Farm country just adds another layer to scary. Hahaha.  ;) OK I will go back to my hibernation. It is still winter afterall.

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #117 on: January 20, 2018, 08:45:15 AM »
LOL, Watcher. Yes, farm country is a scary place for the novice  ;)

Which actually was part of the conversation S and I had yesterday. It started out with having just come back from my walk. I had realized something that seems so obvious now, but I guess I have never thought about it. I can tell which fields had corn in them very easily, even when there is no evidence poking out of the snow covered fields. S was intrigued. I knew the fields had alfalfa and corn this year, but they rotate crops and I could probably peg the 4 I knew had alfalfa this year because the dog would stop and roll in the piles of alfalfa and get high. But, some of the back fields I couldn't say for sure. That is until yesterday.

The dog's nose was very busy, so it was an incredibly slow paced walk. Luckily it was sunny and the wind was not blowing. As we stopped at the bottom of the one hill we were about to climb. I noticed that the one field was completely covered in deer tracks and in very specific patterns. This is a large field and as I studied it, the deer tracks were following the rows. I turned and looked at the adjacent field which I knew had alfalfa in it. The only set of tracks led to that other field. The dog was happy to just stay with her nose on whatever great find was in that spot, so I looked at each field. Every alfalfa field had virtually no tracks. The other fields looked like a giant quilt, dotted with what looked like stitches. Upon closer inspection, as I formulated a hypothesis, was these were all corn fields. Talk about one of those "duh" moments - LOL.

This was part of another conversation about it would seem my sister and S have the same love of back roads and on occasion we have freaked a few people out by just grabbing a random road wondering where it goes. The funny thing is if you know the region where we live, the main roads run parallel to each other for a very long time. At some point you hit one of them, so it is pretty hard to really get too lost. Disoriented, yes, but not lost.

Go farther south, not the case. Random back roads could get you in serious trouble. My friend had to take one the other day on her drive. She recounted the detour she had to take. I laughed, but said that is not funny at all. We had a kid who was not from this area take that same detour and he disappeared for weeks. They found his car and sadly him much later. He had gotten lost. And in that region GPS, etc bounces off the hills. I told her his face will haunt me the rest of my life. They posted his picture across campus. He was not one of our students, but every morning I would see the photo.

That too is a story my kids know. They both will put up with M hounding them about having a charged phone, maps in the car, and in the winter, gloves, hats, and boots. The grumble, but will listen to me. S especially, since he and XH got stranded for 5 hours on an escape ramp meant for semis in a winter storm and had the option of going over the mountain side or up the ramp. Ramp it was. He was 11 and laughs about it now, and in spite of his eye roll, I know he doesn't really question me.  :)

I often wonder if XH remembers any of these things. After yesterday's conversation, I am not sure how much reality is rolling around in his head. That fog MLCers exist in is not just fog, it is toxic gases at work, distorting their memories.

Online Mortesbride

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #118 on: January 20, 2018, 03:12:35 PM »
Wow Mourning I just had a total flash back to my teen years.  :o

Pretty sure me and my siblings were Velociraptors, and my dad had that same dark sense of humour. Though he used to say ''Lots of places to hide a body in the desert'' when we lived in Arizona. And when we moved to Oklahoma there ''Was always plenty of woods to get permanently lost in''.

This is the same man who..as he was terminally ill...told us his last dying wish was for us to dress him as Santa clause (he was 6'5'' and probably 350 lbs), stick him in a helicopter, and dump him at the Super Bowl.  So all anyone would see is dead Santa on the field. ::)

It is some amount of dark insane humour. But I kinda miss it.  :)
« Last Edit: January 20, 2018, 03:14:00 PM by Mortesbride »

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #119 on: January 20, 2018, 04:43:22 PM »
Mortesbride - My XH had the really dark sense of humor. Mine is a bit twisted and odd, but not usually dark. That said, the body disposal joke came out of a couple of things.

One being my XH's sister moved into a very wealthy suburb. It was something she bragged about. The irony was she lived in the part that is not considered by this suburb to be the desirable area. It is one of those ridiculous things as an outsider you shake your head and see that some people need the "address" and the label to live by. They used to joke with us about being from a certain area code, as it is known to be farm land. It got to be a bit old. One afternoon my nephew made some comment about "bumpkins" and country kids. My S was only about 10 and told my nephew he had better be careful about talking crap about country kids, they know how to dispose of bodies. Little did I know that my S had been informed of one way that week by his farm friend who showed him how they disposed of dead cattle.  :o

After that it just became one of those things. Over the years, I have been subjected to random bits of information along those lines. One was from my accountant who when she saw what XH was trying to pull financially in the settlement quipped I was pretty strong and XH should be afraid of the fact that there is a digestion pond not too far from my house. LOL. Now it is just a funny thing we joke about.

The reality is, the people that are not in on the joke should be the ones that might have to worry. I give people I trust fair warning that my kids are merciless with their humor and that we know how to dispose of bodies.  ;)

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #120 on: January 20, 2018, 05:24:34 PM »
XH just sent S a video clip of several people out on the lake he lives across from. XH has said he thinks he is going to go out there with him on his motorcycle. I didn't have to say it. S looked at me and said what I was thinking. Hmmm- looks like fun but what part of it has been 50º F all day and you can already see the thin parts in the lake sounds like a good idea?

S laughed and said - "how bad is it I think F has been at the bar today? Worse yet, how is it I am the teenager and he is the one considering doing stupid things"?

What can I say?

Offline Bailmor

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #121 on: January 20, 2018, 05:29:22 PM »
MLC brain!   :o
If you are feeling down, know that God Has always had a wonderful plans for you.  Unfortunately, there are things that happen and forces that work to try and keep us from reaching what He has for us.  The good news is that there is healing at work.  God is always working in and through your life to try to get you to where He wants you.

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #122 on: January 20, 2018, 05:34:44 PM »
MLC brain!   :o

Okay, so it is not just my S and I seeing the stupidity. LOL

Offline Reallytrying

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #123 on: January 20, 2018, 05:56:54 PM »
Omg! Does not sound like a good idea. Funny that as a grown man he’d even contemplate such stupidity.

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #124 on: January 20, 2018, 06:16:43 PM »
RT - The thing that makes me just scratch my head, is by all accounts he would not have done something like that as a teenager. His one B would have, but XH was pretty level headed. Stupid is definitely the word that comes to mind.

Offline Reallytrying

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #125 on: January 20, 2018, 06:23:35 PM »
MD - my H is dumber than he was as a teenager too. I’ve known him for 27 years since he was 15. This is the least mature he has ever been.

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #126 on: January 20, 2018, 07:09:40 PM »
RT - from a purely psychological aspect, it is a bit fascinating and I have to wonder what brings on the behavior. That said, I can't say that I am intrigued enough to study it because living with it is way too draining.  ;)

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #127 on: January 20, 2018, 08:46:42 PM »
I love reading about your country life because it reminds me a lot of growing up in the country.  My brother's would also tease about knowing where to hide bodies.  I thought it was funny, except when they were using that line on any guy who was interested in me.  No wonder I ended up marrying my brother's friend.  lol

The one ex boyfriend that has been sniffing around a bit is the one that they told if he hurt me, they would strip him, slather him with honey, give him a straw to breath through, and sick my F's bees on him.  I'm not sure that he believed me when I told him they were just joking.

Oh man, I hope that he doesn't really drive out on that ice on his motorcycle.  Yikes!  I have been up in the snowy mountains at a coworkers December graduation party when they had to pull his B out after he went over a mound with his snowmobile and crashed through the ice into a lake.  *shiver*
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9711.0

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #128 on: January 21, 2018, 05:05:19 AM »
FaithWalker - My S has said D can take care of herself, but he had a list of guys she could date and who she could not. Some of his friends were on the "could not date" list. He explained those guys were ones who were good buddies, but would not treat his sister well. He did have a short list of who she could date and he laughed and said and that if those guys didn't treat her well he could kick their a$$. He gave D the list. She thought it was funny.

We were out one afternoon getting groceries. I was standing within earshot and this young man came up and was clearly interested in D. He was doing his best to get her number, etc. He was very polite, but I was quietly giggling as he used the standard lines "don't I know you from somewhere". He suddenly saw me approaching and got scared and ran off. D laughed and said she was just about to tell him she had a boyfriend. As I kidded her about the encounter how her F would have a fit since he seems to think she is still 6, she responded that she was just glad her B wasn't with us because he would have gone "all Big B on the guy". ;

Offline No expectations

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #129 on: January 21, 2018, 05:17:38 AM »
OMG Dove,

Teenage brain or what?  I really hope he realizes that ice is not necessarily strong... especially when the weather warms up.

Just smh...
Married 10 1/2 years, together 17.  BD 9/2016, 2nd BD 10/16.  H moved out 10/16.  2 AS's from my first M.  Me 55, H 49.  OW 23.

"And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through; how you managed to survive.  You won't even be sure if the storm is really over.  But one thing is certain; when you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person that walked in...that's what this storm is all about."

"The trick is to enjoy life.  Don't wish away your days, waiting for better ones."

Online Thunder

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #130 on: January 21, 2018, 05:26:39 AM »
Mourning, here and many other states now are changing how rescues work.

They say if a person is dumb enough to go riding on thin ice or any other stupid stunt, they will rescue you, but you will pay for it.  The city is no longer carrying the cost.

I think it's a great idea.  I mean why should these first responders risk their lives to save someone because they couldn't use the common sense God gave them?
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Online Mortesbride

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #131 on: January 21, 2018, 05:28:31 AM »
Think they call that weeding out the gene pool.  ::) 8)

Online Thunder

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #132 on: January 21, 2018, 06:15:22 AM »
 ;D ;D

So true, Mort.
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #133 on: January 21, 2018, 10:55:29 AM »
Well, either XH was lucky or maybe he had a moment of clarity. He was up and text bombing D this morning. Wondering why S was not answering his texts. S, I suspect is sleeping. It was his GF's birthday and her request was that he go with her and a couple of friends to a country line dancing club. S was desperately trying to get me to go along with him. S hates dancing, so he figured I could go and he could just drive us there.

The conversation had rolled around to how I could picture S sitting like Chris Penn's character in the original Footloose movie and jumping onto the dance floor to defend his girlfriend's honor. S's GF is nearly 6' tall and she has no idea how pretty she is. S laughed and said he would protect her if she ever needed protection, but she is pretty good at taking care of herself and he said, besides that's what bouncers get paid for - LOL. S is not a hot head, protective, but he is pretty good at knowing what fights to fight.  :)

No, I -- stayed home and kept D company. I did have fun telling my sister she should go out with me and we could use this as an opportunity to take advantage of the embarrass your teenager. LOL.

When I got up this morning my M had sent me a text at 6 am. My M is a morning person, every morning. She is easing up, but she is still trying to help manage my life a bit. It is left over from BD #2 and me being a wreck. I needed the help then. So, I have to be careful, knowing she worries. I was in a rush yesterday and didn't stop in, so that got her level of concern up a bit. When she talked to me later that day I was a bit congested, so again more worry. When I got the text this morning, I answered her, but I forwarded the "list" to my sister of things my M had on her mind. My smart a$$ sister called me, knowing I was not going to answer right away and she left me her list of things. I am going to follow her demands for the day - she demanded I do what I want to do today, drink a glass of wine and not worry about a damned thing.  ;D

D got up after having a movie marathon last night. She had watched Flashdance.

I didn't think about the connection this morning. D gave me a look when she saw I was cutting a t-shirt up. I had put on this t-shirt earlier. It is a comfortable, going to tackle things around the house t-shirt, but the neck has been driving me crazy because the thread they used is scratchy. I finally had enough and just decided to cut the ribbing off. D wanted to know if I was going to reenact the movie. I kept a serious tone, and told her yes, the entire movie. She paused for a moment and then realized I was joking. I think she was temporarily frightened ;D

I stopped at my parent's house today. Made my M's day  ;D She had a written list of things to ask me - LOL. I played along.  ::) My F had been sent out to the grocery store and the dog heard him drive in. She was shaking all over with excitement. She sat by his chair at the kitchen table anxiously awaiting his arrival.

I love watching my parent's interact. They have had their problems and they drive each other crazy at times. Those little things they grumble about. When my F walked in I joked with him and wanted to know what had he done wrong, because he had a huge bouquet of flowers. He almost didn't see that I was kidding him. I knew it was just my F being my F. He does these things. He was out and thought of her. My M is more practical, but she too will see something that my F would like at times and will just bring him gifts. It could be a latte. She blushed when she got the flowers. Funny, after 54 years that she still blushes. And then it was not too many minutes later she was giving him that look of being annoyed because he left the kitchen cabinet open a bit, a thing he does from time to time that drives her nuts. He saw the glance and asked me to close the door, as I was right there.

I walked home and thought about how much I miss even those annoying things. I might have complained about them, but they were just part of the relationship. They were never things that warranted wanting my spouse to leave. It is funny the things you miss.

S came home and recounted his evening. He told me a couple of women hit on him. He seemed shocked and more surprised when D and I said we didn't doubt it.  ;) He then told me who he saw. I am glad I did not go. His former boss was there and he has been hinting at going out. I want no part of that. LOL. Then S said I would never guess which former teacher I saw of his grinding up against 4 guys. I pegged it immediately. She is a gorgeous woman, but at 40 was on her 5th marriage when S had her. I had subbed for her a couple of times. The first day I met her, she recounted how she met her 5th H, a race car driver. She was an over-sharer. She then invited me out for drinks, etc. It was a bit overwhelming TBH. I was still very much with XH at that time. I declined.

Later I found out while I was subbing why the other female teachers would leave the faculty lounge when she arrived. She had been hitting on, and not in a subtle manner several male teachers. It was about 6 months later, her marriage to H #5 ended.

I always felt a bit bad for her because she clearly has issues. She left the district shortly afterwards. I see her out and about in the city where I work for the college. She always wants to go out and heard I am now divorced. I am always nice to her, but beg off. No, I do not want to join in her party.  ;D

S said not to worry, he did not dance with her. LOL

I am thinking I made the right choice. I am happy living in my little quiet bubble most nights.  ;D
« Last Edit: January 21, 2018, 10:57:00 AM by MourningDove »

Offline Bailmor

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #134 on: January 21, 2018, 11:38:04 AM »
MD, two thing.  First, even though your parents have the nuisances and get 9n each other’s n rev, they never forget deep down and make a conscience decision to show each other love and affection.  It is a CHOICE!  One both make day in and day out. 

And second, sometimes being alone is munch better than being with bad company.  I know exactly what you are saying.  Not worth the effort or time for something that than serves no real purpose in our lives!
If you are feeling down, know that God Has always had a wonderful plans for you.  Unfortunately, there are things that happen and forces that work to try and keep us from reaching what He has for us.  The good news is that there is healing at work.  God is always working in and through your life to try to get you to where He wants you.

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #135 on: January 21, 2018, 01:35:33 PM »
Bailmor - prior to MLC my XH and I made efforts to remember each other. As I look back, I can see where that fell by the wayside too.

You are right though, my parents make the effort. They have always worked on their relationship. It is a choice and they reap the rewards of making those choices. They still hold hands and are grateful to have each other, even when they are driving each other crazy. It is something that makes me believe in healthy relationships and possibilities.  :)

LOL - yes, bad company indeed. My D reminded us that during a school open house that this same teacher had tried to get my XH's phone number. This was prior to BD.

D has been a goofball all day. S came in and joked with her. I am not sure what they were saying to each other, but out of S's mouth came "is this the result of now having Daddy issues"? They both burst out laughing. I stood there completely shocked and stopped in my tracks. They both said "hey, we both have Daddy issues now". I know they were making light of it, but how messed up that suddenly seemed. I know it is probably not so serious, since they are joking about it, but WOW.

The two of them have been playing songs and GF is here. They are all dancing and showing me their "dance moves" - which were really quite funny. They are having a good time and that is all that matters.

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #136 on: January 22, 2018, 06:54:31 AM »
I can just picture it....

Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 10
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
No legal action to date

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #137 on: January 22, 2018, 07:35:29 AM »
UM - LOL. Now, when XH shows up today to take D to lunch, I am not going to be able to keep a straight face.  ;D

Maybe we could design a MLC game - "Levels of MLC Stupidity".  ::)

I am going to let it all wash over me - LOL

I was out of the house fairly early. D had an exam and I had to go to my class. D did not have to be there at her normal time. I did not have enough time to go back home and I forgot my keys for the classroom, so instead of beating myself up, I decided the opportunity was there for a short side trip.

There was heavy fog this morning and the mist would be coming off the various bodies of water with the thaw that was happening. It is a good thing I know the roads as well as I do, since visibility was a bit tough in some areas. But, the detour was well worth it. I had been struck by how haunting this one little lake would be. It is a tiny lake, that many locals don't even know exists. It had been owned by a group for a long time, so it is not a public lake. It has a small lighthouse at the point. It doesn't really serve much of a purpose beyond decorative, but it is really cool looking.

The ice was really built up on the lake, and it was beyond gorgeous. Heavy mist rising off of the ice, and the deep fog pushing down. It was like an epic battle and you could see the lighthouse peaking through. I could have spent hours there and a walk around the lake would have been perfect, but I had to actually go to work.  :-\

None of us are sure why I have class this week, since exams are going on and I really don't have a full roster of students. The one student I was supposed to have today is way ahead of everyone, so basically I got to "babysit". It was okay though. This student is a good kid and he actually took the opportunity to show me some of his hobbies. It was more of a bonding moment. I now know what games this kid loves to play on his gaming system and some other little blips of information that help me get a true read on him. It helps to inspire me to create projects that they can relate to on certain levels and still hit those important skill sets they need.

I am preparing for the MLCer XH sighting. I will be curious which version I will encounter. LOL

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #138 on: January 22, 2018, 09:00:30 AM »
Before I share this, rest assured, I am not this vindictive, but it was a good laugh.

Shortly after BD#1 and I was either too stupid or not wanting to admit XH's EA had turned into a PA with OW, I let him explain some things away that of course any rational human being (which I was not after BD #1) would know that all the evidence was there.

I had taken the convertible one day because XH needed my car, which was could accommodate supplies, which again, now in hindsight were for the cottage. Duh. LOL.

I had to get something out of the glove box, where I found a bottle opener, which would not have shocked me. We have always carried one in our car, since there were road trips where the kids might buy a soda and the bottle did not have a twist top. What struck me was there were acrylic wine glasses shoved in there. I don't remember the explanation, XH gave, but because he was working with countless wineries at the time, I bought what really was a lame excuse. Again, DUH.

That same day, I found some of what turned out to be OW's clothes in the back seat. A top and her blazer. Again, he explained it away. It was winter time, so the idea that it got too hot - gee, I wonder why. More DUH.

Looking back, I can laugh and realize how much I tried to ignore the obvious. I didn't want to know, which is so not like me. I am a "let's just face it and walk through it" person. Now, after this experience I am even more that way. I might wallow for a bit, but I get back up and just trudge forward.

D had texted me while I was in my classroom to let me know XH was coming to take her to lunch. I must have gotten a look on my face. I recounted my conversation with my coworker, saying I just don't want to be buddies with my XH. Maybe someday, but I am not there yet and may never be. I will be civil.

I could have avoided being home, but I had made up my mind that I was going to make darned sure he understood those boundaries and scare him a bit. He saw my car and rang the doorbell. Progress.  ::)

D let him in and he gave me a once over. I am dressed to go back out and was vacuuming in the outfit which of course with the warmer weather includes heels. LOL. Not sure what he was thinking, but he was processing.  :P

I had mentioned the rumor to my coworker and had told him he could back out of going with me to dinner because I would not put him in an uncomfortable position. He had laughed and said not to worry, he had my back and he could handle the rumor mill.

He has a funny sense of humor and texted me just as XH had come in the door. My coworker knows about the dreaded convertible finds. His text was we missed an opportunity to really screw with XH's head and he is on his lunch hour. If we had been thinking he said I could have given him some articles of clothing to return on his lunch hour from the back seat of his car. Smart a$$.

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #139 on: January 22, 2018, 04:12:01 PM »
It is amazing when you realize some of the things that stressed you out in MLC are now gone.

My XH had accused me of having an affair with one of my colleagues at the college. Anyone who knows me and this particular colleague would laugh at the thought. We were always great friends, but we would not only kill each other, we behave more like siblings. We have great respect for one another and I have gone out with him over the years, most often with other colleagues, or even his W. XH used to go along. This colleague has become close friends with my F over the years and so I do see him outside of work on occasion. D thought this was the funniest thing when she found out XH blurted out I was having an affair with him.

I was working registration today and stopped down to the gallery to see him. I knew he was there and I wanted to make sure he got my email earlier, since he had sent out a mass email for pre-PR on an upcoming exhibit. He had completely messed up the artist's name and I alerted him this morning. He was working with my F and some other artists for this anniversary exhibit when I popped in. He ran over and gave me a hug and thanked me. I said I was glad he was not offended, but I had his back. He was laughing telling me that he was there all day yesterday and then was thrown out of the building because law enforcement came in to use the building for a drill. It had been something that was not advertised. I laughed at him envisioning what would have happened if he had been quietly working in the gallery yesterday on a closed campus and the SWAT team came in. We were both laughing by then. I could see why he hadn't proofed his information.

The laughter came easily, as did the conversation. This is the first time in a long time that I didn't feel that guilt that I never should have felt in the first place. We have joked, but this man has been a true friend over the years. I distanced myself once the accusations and character assassination came rolling in. I stayed and helped hang part of the show and he was so grateful for the help.

Before we left I spotted some student work on the ground that hadn't been picked up. I recognized the pieces on the floor. I told him I would take them and get them back to the student, who had graduated. He was never one of my students, but he kept in touch once he graduated. My friend looked at me and laughed. He said of course this kid would have kept in touch with me because he had worked with my F.

I brought the pieces in the house so that they would not break. There were 2 photographs and a sculpture. My kids flipped over the abstract sculpture and the one photo, which is hands clasped and buried in mud and ash. It is quite stunning. The other photo was a bit funny to them. It was of a male torso. Had I not had it wrapped with his name on it they might have thought M had lost her mind and was buying some crazy art work. It is not X-rated, but looks a bit like an underwear ad. I know what project that was for. I laughed and told them I was redecorating my bed room.  ::) They didn't believe me.  :)

Offline Bailmor

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #140 on: January 22, 2018, 04:55:57 PM »
MD, the relationship you have with your kids is one that not many parents have.  The laughter and jokes seem to show the closeness you all have.  Keep that atmosphere going as long as possible!  Laughter is the best cure for all ills.  Glad you can laugh in the face of all this mess.  You will make it out of this bigger and better than ever!  Kudos for a job well done!
If you are feeling down, know that God Has always had a wonderful plans for you.  Unfortunately, there are things that happen and forces that work to try and keep us from reaching what He has for us.  The good news is that there is healing at work.  God is always working in and through your life to try to get you to where He wants you.

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #141 on: January 22, 2018, 05:14:51 PM »
Bailmor - Thank you.  :)

I think I have been very fortunate. My XH was a good F for a very long time and they benefited. XH had a hard time with them aging. I have accepted that they are getting older and I miss those moments of when they were little. The other day when I checked in on my S when he was sick, he looked like a little kid all curled up. But, I am embracing this new point in their lives.

I have somehow found a balance with them of being their M and they respect me (although they do test me at times) and being able to treat them like young adults.

IDK. I was thinking about this closeness the other day. I have always been close to both kids. My sister and I were discussing how close we were growing up and how neither of us minded spending time with our parents. We knew who was in charge and yet, we liked spending time with them. Going to the movies as a family, even when we were in college was not unheard of. We stay out of each other's business for the most part and don't see each other constantly, aside from my morning "check ins".

My kids do drive me a bit crazy at times. And when they are in velociraptor mode it can wear thin, but we do laugh - a lot. In fact, most days there is some laughter. Part of all of this is we all have learned to not only laugh at ourselves but occasionally at each other. The kids say good night to one another with an "I love ya" and I get huge hugs just about every night.

I know how lucky I am.  :)

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #142 on: January 22, 2018, 06:09:58 PM »

 The kids say good night to one another with an "I love ya" and I get huge hugs just about every night.

I know how lucky I am.  :)

Made me smile.  I enjoy having my adult sons here for a weekend or a holiday and when they leave now I always cry.  The house always seems so lonely after they've been home. 
After all, tomorrow is another day.

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #143 on: January 22, 2018, 06:16:32 PM »
I just got a copy of an email sent to D from one of the college that accepted her and they are pushing hard for her to select their program. They have given her a scholarship and are having a "reception" for all scholarship recipients to honor them. It is not something that if we show up we have to sign on the dotted line. It is part of the "wooing" process.

D being smart, said it might make sense to go and play the game at least. I agree. I mentioned it might be wise to ask her F if he wanted to go, since he has been asking.

Apparently that was not the thing to say. At lunch, it would appear, XH did not know enough to just listen and learn. He opened the conversation properly and then just could not let it alone. It would seem, he felt the need to try and use blackmail/bribery as a tactic. D said he basically said if he was not included in things he was not going to pay for anything. She remarked that he has given her no reason to want to include him when he has shot down every one of her ideas, etc. In fact, she pointed out that I, even today did not question her latest idea which was possibly joining the military. She knew my answer would be let's see what the options are and weigh the pros and cons. I try not to give my opinion and she has done a great job so far of being level headed. In fact, she actually applied to two colleges I originally suggested. Both were not options as far as she was concerned, but now she has seen I was not pushing an agenda, but I thought she would do well there. The one college she didn't think she could get into. She did.

As she raised her voice and I had clearly hit a nerve, she said she is sick and tired of her F trying to use the 2 tacts as of late one being to guilt her or berate her and the other by trying to buy her love. She told me in no uncertain terms that she would do it on her own before she gave into his way of playing games. She said if he wants to be a supportive F and just listen first, ask rational questions and be a F, she will gladly talk to him. She looked at me with a very serious look and said he can go to one of these events when he shows genuine interest and she would quicker invite her B or my sister to go in his place, because they have been supportive. She then gave me a hug and said of course you are going. I laughed and said that was only because she wants me to drive her. LOL.

I will not try and sway her. I did not pile on. But, she is getting to that point where XH is really teetering. D is one to draw a line in the sand and it takes a great deal to get her to that point, but it will take an act of God to bring her back around once she has severed the ties.

I so wish XH would get his head out of the fog, just long enough to see how he is really messing things up and if he would just "be" he might make headway.  :)

SB - You posted just as I was hitting post. I suspect I will feel the same way once mine move out.  :)

Offline No expectations

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #144 on: January 22, 2018, 06:43:40 PM »
Dove,

I love your sister!  I hope you did everything on her list yesterday  ;D

And you already know how much I love your children.  You have such a great relationship with them.  I'm like SB, when my youngest comes down to visit, I am so happy.   The adult he has grown up to be is someone I am extremely proud of.  And you have built that same sense of mutual respect with your children.  It is such a wonderful reflection of you.

I love your description of the frozen lake and the lighthouse!  Almost makes me want to brave the cold to see it! Only almost though...I am a wimp about cold weather haha!
Married 10 1/2 years, together 17.  BD 9/2016, 2nd BD 10/16.  H moved out 10/16.  2 AS's from my first M.  Me 55, H 49.  OW 23.

"And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through; how you managed to survive.  You won't even be sure if the storm is really over.  But one thing is certain; when you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person that walked in...that's what this storm is all about."

"The trick is to enjoy life.  Don't wish away your days, waiting for better ones."

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #145 on: January 22, 2018, 06:53:41 PM »
No expectations - I did follow some of my sister's list. I had to forgo some, but it was a good list ;)

As far as the lighthouse and frozen lake, my description was nowhere near how stunning it was. It wasn't terribly cold this morning either, as it was around 45º F when I drove though. Chilly, yes, but tolerable.

I used to hate the cold, but I have learned to embrace it most days. I can't say I love it when it is too cold to go out, like a couple of weeks ago. However, I have learned that if I bundle up and get outside, I actually love the feel of the cold air. It makes me feel alive in a different way. By March I will be ready for Spring, but as long as I can get outside, I just reset my thought process. TBH - part of the reason why I take these odd little side trips, like to see the lighthouse is to realize the beauty the cold brings, which changes my perspective enough to embrace it.

Mind games - I am getting good at fooling myself - LOL


 

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