Author Topic: My Story Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces  (Read 1856 times)

Offline No expectations

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My Story Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #10 on: January 02, 2018, 06:21:27 PM »
Hi Dove,

I wouldn't miss your new thread.  I love the idea of a new year with new pieces!

I hope your D gets everything settled and gets her 1st choice for college.  And I have no doubt that no matter what happens, you will be there, supporting and loving your children.  You are a special person, for sure.
Married 10 1/2 years, together 17.  BD 9/2016, 2nd BD 10/16.  H moved out 10/16.  2 AS's from my first M.  Me 55, H 49.  OW 23.

"And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through; how you managed to survive.  You won't even be sure if the storm is really over.  But one thing is certain; when you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person that walked in...that's what this storm is all about."

"The trick is to enjoy life.  Don't wish away your days, waiting for better ones."

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #11 on: January 03, 2018, 07:38:39 AM »
Happy New Year to all of you and thank you for all of the support you have given me :)

I went into work this morning and we did a bit of an exercise this morning, basically I called my students out. I told them I was not impressed by busy work - LOL. I have been getting lots of "brainstorming lists" that I can tell were those lists that they created after settling on one idea they first came up with. My one student owned up to it immediately. I smiled at him and told him thank you. He was so funny and answered every answer honestly - owning it all, but he then saw my point and continued to answer when no one else would.

I am discovering these kids have never really shot for the stars. They give me all the reasons why this or that can't happen.

This conversation was all about creating a brand identity for themselves. So I pushed them about thinking beyond business cards and resumes. So one smart a$$ made a comment about getting a branding iron. When I said "good idea" he thought I was nuts. Of course he made some comment about not being able to happen. I said I had one made for a client not too long ago - for burning their logo into custom wood crates.

I think what struck me is I need to rethink my own life.

Medusa - you brought up an interesting thing. You are right - I thought I knew similar things. MLC proves I know very little - LOL. And because I believed I somehow knew things, it led to monkey braining most days, which often proves fruitless and just leads to stress.

I am going to allow myself to dream a bit, take some risks possibly and balance it with some reality. (I am not going into my own MLC - LOL).

I am thinking a bit more about my own "Why not?" situations and I spent months in MLC overanalyzing things. I am going to embrace that little bit of me that has a need for spontaneity to balance out that really responsible side of myself. I used to allow a bit of reckless abandon to creep in - not in dangerous, reckless ways, but those impromptu trips, in my artwork and the occasional moment of not being a M and just being a woman who is more than just a M or XW. Again, not reckless in the overall sense, but embracing life and what it has to offer me. And if I make a few bad decisions along the way, I, like my student, will own them. That is the only way to learn and not make the same mistakes.  :)
« Last Edit: January 03, 2018, 07:56:03 AM by MourningDove »

Online Treasur

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #12 on: January 03, 2018, 07:56:54 AM »
Every time I read a post from you, Mourning, I come away calmer and with ideas and baby dreams. Thank you, needed that today x
BD - Oct 15, mostly silent vanishing husband, diagnosed with severe depression in Dec 15 & seeing psychiatrist/on ADs since then
OW since Apr 16, maybe earlier?
H filed Jan 17.
80/20 strategy for me in 2018

"her soul is fierce, her heart is brave, her mind is strong." R.H Sin
Grace is...Elegance, good will, unearned blessings, a prayer of thanks and how to address a duchess.
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #13 on: January 03, 2018, 08:17:53 AM »
LOL Treasur - I have to post it for myself - LOL. I sometimes find if I write it down I actually commit to it myself.

I have always been a "thinky" person. MLC took me to a different level of often non-productive thinking. I don't analyze every encounter or conversation, but I do listen more again for those moments I need to either listen to myself again or to my students.

I had a really hard time getting out of bed this morning because my dear friend gave me a down comforter. She is moving to a warmer climate and she had barely used it. I could never own one because XH would have occasional asthma attacks (of course in MLC he didn't have asthma - LOL). So, I stayed in bed and began my morning thinking about some of the posts I read last night - responses to mine and some others. But, the day had to get started, so I set those thoughts aside and dealt with "reality".

Most of these moments, I have learned don't really sink in with me until I remove myself from that moment and I go out for a walk. The thoughts I had this morning reappeared and maybe were a bit clearer once I processed my morning with my students. They teach me as much as I teach them if I listen. It may be my own words that come back to me, but I am embracing my own lessons sometimes.

I have to admit though, it is truly that whole William Shakespeare quote that keeps popping up in my life. I really find those moments of clarity when I remove myself from "civilization" and just go out for a walk and take in what nature has to offer me. For me it is probably like meditation is for some. I sometimes have to force myself to walk. This morning is bitterly cold, but I convinced myself to go and bundle up. There was a slight breeze, so wind chill was not as much of a factor. Once I get outside, I then try and turn off those things like lists of things that need to happen. I allow for just "being" or letting my thoughts wander a bit.

And, Treasur - those dreams are just that, baby dreams for me as well. Just little things that we can take for ourselves. It isn't about self absorption or neglecting our responsibilities. It is about saying it is okay to sometimes feed our own souls and being okay with failing at things. Not being able to continue to stand for my marriage and then to divorce felt like such huge failures.

I am trying to embrace the positive as much as I can. I can only control my own actions and reactions.  :)

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #14 on: January 03, 2018, 07:37:09 PM »
I had to work registration today. It worked out fine, but everyone I worked with was laughing because we had a large group, but there were 6 of us, so I ended up with 3 students to register. One with a major helicopter M.

We decided I had better not buy a lottery ticket today - LOL. I definitely would have lost. Holy moly - my co-advisors were great, they jumped in and helped. I ended up with the "problem children" and odd transcripts/complex transfers and of course the 3 students with some of the most complicated programs to accommodate as students coming in mid year. Add the overbearing helicopter M, who was determined to tell her S what classes he was taking because it is what she wanted. Luckily our Culinary prof came and took over there - he scares the crap out of everyone. (Love him - LOL - great guy, but no one messes with our own Gordon Ramsey).

It was a good afternoon. Originally, my S was going to my parent's house for dinner. He stuck to his plan. D was going to her boyfriend's for dinner. I finished registration early.

I got in the car and just started driving. I had things I need to do at home, but nothing that couldn't wait. I just wanted to escape being an adult for the evening. I love backroad driving, but I must admit, I actually like highway and city expressway driving if the traffic is moving. I needed a change of environment. I drove to one of the larger cities nearby and went up into areas where I have not been in a very long time. I needed the architecture fix. The light was perfect. I especially love one bridge I drove across. I really had no plan.

In the mean time, D called. Her plans changed and where was I. I felt a tinge of guilt and then told her where I was. She wanted to know when I was going to be home. I considered running right home, but it was early yet. I told her I would be home by 7 pm. She would be fine. I gave her some options - go to her grandparent's, stay home, etc. I worked through my guilt. I so rarely do this.

I drove to the bookstore and spent a couple of hours there. My friend texted me and asked what I was up to. He laughed at me, knowing normally this would not be something I really allow myself. He was glad I was taking time for myself. He said, besides, I might be snowed in with my kids at this rate. LOL - help ;)

I got home and D was in a good mood. She started to joke about her F's trip.

I will apologize ahead of time for those people in Florida. One that XH is headed that way - a storm and XH - terribly sorry. I am not laughing at the cold coming to everyone else in Florida and anywhere else, however I am enjoying it on a different level.

XH has always hated winter and needed to travel in the winter for a couple of weeks. We used to go as a family. In MLC land, no more family get aways. HE needed time away and there were always excuses as to why we couldn't go along. Every time he has gone during the MLC winter months the weather has not cooperated. One of the last trips he took that was quite memorable was during the month of February. He went away for 3 weeks. It was unseasonably warm here the entire time and freezing cold in the southeast. He drove back and arrived at night just as a major snow storm hit. He could barely get the antique truck he bought (MLC have to have purchase) trailered up the hill due to the ice and snow. He was not a happy camper.

So, now he is supposed to leave tomorrow. He made a big deal about how he "needs" a vacation. S reminded him he has taken multiple vacations over the past 5 years and added I haven't taken a single vacation. S was clearly not feeling too much sympathy. As I was sitting in the den, D had the weather report on. They are closing airports and talking about the freezing temperatures in the areas where he is traveling. I hope it is not his karma brining this to the south - LOL
« Last Edit: January 03, 2018, 07:41:34 PM by MourningDove »

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #15 on: January 03, 2018, 08:23:15 PM »
Oh goodness that is funny Dove.

My cousin lives in North Carolina and was posting to my brother in Alaska last night that NC was colder than Alaska.  Crazy weather!

My friend in Georgia had never seen snow before.  She is all sorts of thrilled about it.
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9711.0

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #16 on: January 04, 2018, 10:06:55 AM »
FaithWalker - it does feed my rather twisted sense of humor.  ::)

I have to laugh at it because the reality is really sad and depressing.

I always accepted XH's need to have adventures and his friends always said they could not believe I hadn't left him over the years, as most of their wives would have never tolerated some of his impulsive moments. It was part of what I loved about him at times.

When the kids were little he wanted to learn how to sky dive. He wanted me to go with him. I said I would go to watch, but one of us needed to be the responsible adult with 2 little ones. I went, watched him and cheered him along.

Same with the day he bought a motorcycle on a whim. I wanted no part of it. In some ways it was because I didn't trust him as a novice to just jump on back. By then early MLC had set in. He was ticked. I tried to remind him that when I was a kid a snowmobile tipped while I was on the back of it. Scared the crap out of me. I probably would have eventually gotten on it with him, but not after only passing his test.

The motorcycle was the first of I believe, 7, he suddenly accumulated. All vintage. Two remain here. Now he is talking about getting rid of the first one, as it is kick start. He made a huge deal about keeping that one in the divorce, claiming it was worth a ton of money. It is, the problem being those who can afford it have the same issue he is having with it - not exactly an easy thing to start and XH has back and leg problems stemming from a car accident years ago. And it is really gorgeous, design wise, but not comfortable to ride. So now apparently the Harley may end up back here.

The trip to Florida is in part XH running yet again. It became the norm this time of year. He claimed it was the weather, but there are so many other things that correlate with it. His M's illness, his parent's divorce, family birthdays (the ones where they used to have family celebrations) and the list goes on. It is just more running. We are coming up on what would have been his M's birthday, his F's birthday and the death of his B. Now, from what the kids tell me, XH's eldest B is not doing well. That was coming. He has had 2 bypass surgeries and they told him a third one was necessary 2 years ago. Add diabetes to the mix and for years refused to follow any of the doctor's recommendations for diet - no modifications at all. He has been a ticking time bomb for years.

I feel bad for XH in many ways. He is chasing dreams of a family that once was, which is has been fractured for years.

Yet, so busy chasing these things that were and may never be does none of us any good. Most of us learn that you cannot live in the past. You can learn from it. You can reflect upon it and maybe have moments of regret, but getting stuck there is the problem. You can't chase the past, only those dreams that be right in front of you.

This news of my BIL makes me sad for XH. I am preparing for the blowback on this. I anticipate this is going to fuel that MLC monster more. I could be wrong, but history has proven this to be the case.

Time to hunker down again.
« Last Edit: January 04, 2018, 10:10:00 AM by MourningDove »

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #17 on: January 04, 2018, 11:08:48 AM »
Let the rumors start - LOL.

I just got a call on my home phone from a "friend"  ::) (her assessment) who was driving by my house earlier. She works at XH's client's factory. She beeped as usual. I waved hello. At the time I was outside with a guy. Boy, did the questions come rolling out. I was not terribly forthcoming. None of her business.

The "guy" was my coworker. We had been at the new campus (next year's location) for a meeting. I live 3 miles from there and had forgotten my appointment book on the counter. My coworker texted me several minutes after I left. The weather was starting to turn and they were closing down the campus for the next couple of days. He texted me to let me know I had left it there. I was prepared to go back and get it. He said not to worry, he was driving back this way to grab the highway - which is not a lie. He would have to go this way. So, we were standing in the driveway and he simply was giving me the book and we were laughing about something from earlier. Simple as that.

There is no dirt, but I am now preparing myself for the inevitable. This woman will have quite the tale. She always does. If it matters she gave her approval  ::) and informed me he looks like the singer Dylan Scott (If she says so - LOL). OMG - good thing XH is out of town - LOL
« Last Edit: January 04, 2018, 11:28:58 AM by MourningDove »

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #18 on: January 04, 2018, 12:13:30 PM »
Oh boy, rumor mill will be flowing.  And when do you plan on showing up to regain your lost ground with this "Dylan Scott" look-alike on your arm?   ;D
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9711.0

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Online Treasur

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #19 on: January 04, 2018, 12:19:38 PM »
Ha, ha - love it  ;D
BD - Oct 15, mostly silent vanishing husband, diagnosed with severe depression in Dec 15 & seeing psychiatrist/on ADs since then
OW since Apr 16, maybe earlier?
H filed Jan 17.
80/20 strategy for me in 2018

"her soul is fierce, her heart is brave, her mind is strong." R.H Sin
Grace is...Elegance, good will, unearned blessings, a prayer of thanks and how to address a duchess.
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg


 

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