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Author Topic: My Story Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces  (Read 1467 times)

Online Never say never

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My Story Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #50 on: January 10, 2018, 11:35:03 AM »
Following along with you, MD, and you do sound good.  Being able to listen to a song, drive past a particular place and not "losing" it is such a great step in the right direction.

It is so good to be reminded about the simple things in life giving us the most joy.  We really do need to take the focus off of all the bad and put it on the positives.

I can see why your students love you.

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #51 on: January 11, 2018, 05:17:08 PM »
Savoir Faire & Never say never - I have always found joy in little things, but I forgot about them during early MLC. It has been so important for me to remind myself.

Never say never - the only way I have been able to push past the pain of songs and places that OW invaded was to allow myself to feel. I also have used some "tough love" with myself. It still hurts at times, but I needed to reclaim those things and rip the bandaid off. I shed plenty of tears, but now even when they appear, they are short lived. 

My "Body Like a Backroad" student invited me to come and see his wrestling tournament this weekend. He knows I make him eat at least fruit and some protein when he is having to make his weight class. I am all for dedication, but I am not fond of his coach. He is all about the win and I know from friends of S, former wrestlers, this coach was not mindful of their health. This kid weighs 145 and probably could comfortably weigh 160. The coach already has a kid at that weight class, so he wants this young man to go to the 145 weight class. Before matches the kid starves himself for 4 days and going about it in very unhealthy ways. Then while he is my class he is loopy because he is hungry.

I have no problem going there to cheer him on, however as I said to my coworker in this social climate, if I were to show up to a teenage boy's wrestling match that type of gossip is not something I need. It is sad that I even have to consider these things, but a few freakish teachers mess it up for those of us who would never consider taking up with a student, especially an underage one. So, I told him if I got a chance I would pop in, but I was not going to stay.

My coworker told me later that the kid told him he thinks his F would really like me. LOL. I am not touching that one either. My friend had fun at my expense later when I told her and she asked how old his F was - I suspect 40. As I was answering, I realized she was going to say exactly what she did which was along the lines of "what, too old"? LOL - I am going to miss her :)

Before I left my class, my phone pinged. It was D. She had a list of things she needed answered. The reality was nothing on that list needed answered right then and there, but it was on her mind, so she needed to let me know. I thought my head was going to explode. I had an insanely busy schedule today and XH had sent pictures of himself to both kids "having the time of his life". I can't say I was liking the balance of the scales - as in XH is off on one of his vacations and I am "it". My day was going to be running like a mad woman.

I ended up putting nearly 300 miles on my car today with all of the nonsense. D had PT, so that added to the mix.

Tomorrow will be more of the same.

I was annoyed with XH but I decided this morning to try and adjust my attitude quickly. I pulled together my collection of guilty pleasure music that is not known for it's musical depth, but happy, simple music.

It helped my mood immensely. I no longer am annoyed with XH. I am in control of my happiness.

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #52 on: January 11, 2018, 06:41:15 PM »
Made me angry that your xH sent those pictures.  Rubbing it in is so MLCerish isn't it?  Trying to convince the kids or himself that his life is so wonderful?

There is noting fair about the crisis for us and my xH is also off on holiday soon I think as I saw his bank statements with a many thousands of $$$$'s deposit paid for a retreat holiday for himself and the OW when I can barely pay the bills >:(

It's interesting but he seems to be replaying the holidays he had as a child as many of them have been to the same location as childhood holidays.  I wonder if they are any  better this time around? If he ever comes out of his fog, I reserve the right to hit him over the head with a cast iron skillet for the first day or so ;D

Turn turn the music and dance MD, you will be having a much better time than he is.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8451.80 (Denjef's thread)

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #53 on: January 12, 2018, 06:10:07 AM »
Savoir Faire - I was angry as well about the pictures. It is especially hard, since it would have been something he would have done in the past, but in his oblivion I don't think it even registers with him that it takes on a whole new context in his new choice of life. In the past, he would have sent pictures of this nature to share and then often we would go to these places later with him. They were more pictures of "hey I am thinking of you". Now, they come across as "look at the fun I am having" or even if he thinks they are the same sentiment, the reality is, he doesn't back it up with even spending any real time with the kids now and he has plenty of opportunity.

I also will admit the same thought entered my mind as well, considering it is a tight month for me, that he is off spending money like crazy. And I know him well enough to know that he will be wearing the mask of "big spender" in his crisis, which means paying for everyone's meals, etc. Meanwhile, I am having to deal with the new stresses of lining up both kids' college situations.

The pictures could have sent me into a realm of bad feelings all the way around. This morning D was intense and very grumpy. She had a ton of homework last night and is on a mission regarding her college admissions. She has declined her top choice. I am in many ways relieved. It is a great school and she would have done incredibly well there, however my alarms were going off with the college's assessment of her application.

I was not anticipating every college to fall all over her. It is a competitive field. But as an educator, I also have trouble with those assessments that only look at the data. Data does not make the student a good student. I have seen Valedictorians bomb out their freshman year. On paper they look great, but for a variety of reasons they falter. Freshmen in college are often referred to as the 50/50 gamble, no matter what their high school status was.

I get that we have to start somewhere and data helps. But, those colleges that look at just data as far as I am concerned are not student focused. I have seen those kids on paper that don't shine as much as others, yet they have passion and drive. This college told D that they did not think PT was right for her yet and wanted to put her in an exploratory program first. They pointed to her Sophomore year as the reason. Mind you it was about attendance. She has had nearly perfect attendance since then and she had supporting documents from her counselors and doctors that explained the injury and MLCer moving out at the same time. They showed she still finished the year, on her own at the top of her class. They gave her a nice scholarship, but it would mean going $120K in debt.

Her second choice is actually regarded as one of the top programs in the state. They are giving her full tuition for 6 years and merit scholarships. She was just accepted to 3 other programs, one out of state. They all said the same thing - they felt her sophomore year shows her resilience and determination. They feel she has pushed past some rough moments and has what it takes.

She has not chosen yet, but last night her comment was why would she throw away a free ride to one of the top schools just because she likes her top choice better in terms of location. She is waiting on a couple of other financial aid packages. She isn't going to just make the decision on money. She will assess it carefully and stress out, thereby stressing me out, because now we are off to revisit some of the campuses - by February 1st. No pressure - LOL

Her F is not part of this discussion, nor is she interested in sharing with him. It bothers me that she feels she cannot talk to him. It also bothers me he is self-absorbed and it doesn't seem to matter. It bothers me that I am it and the responsibility all falls on me. It is not resentment about the responsibility so much as I am tired and running around so much that other things fall by the wayside and add stress. I have little time for the other things that need done and I am craving balance.

But, I took another deep breath this morning after dropping off the cranky teenager to school, cranked up my music and drove to my first appointment. Gonna be another day of lots of driving. Today took me by an area where the kids used to love to drive. There is a stretch of highway where the Osprey build huge nests and only in that area. We used to count the nests and they still do when they are with me. This morning I counted 6. I will double check my count on the way back. The kids will tell me I am the ultimate nerd when I share it with them, but I know they too would have done the same :)

Online Treasur

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #54 on: January 12, 2018, 06:38:54 AM »
How lovely, Mourning, that you get to keep some of those small family rituals, part of the glue that binds us x
BD - Oct 15, mostly silent vanishing husband, diagnosed with severe depression in Dec 15 & seeing psychiatrist/on ADs since then
OW since Apr 16, maybe earlier?
H filed Jan 17.
80/20 strategy for me in 2018

"her soul is fierce, her heart is brave, her mind is strong." R.H Sin
Grace is...Elegance, good will, unearned blessings, a prayer of thanks and how to address a duchess.
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Thunder

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #55 on: January 12, 2018, 07:01:18 AM »
Yep, I agree Treasur!

Mourning, haven't you ever noticed that people who have to declare to the world what a great time they are having are only faking it?  He's not having the time of his life.  Who's he trying to kid?  Himself, maybe.
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #56 on: January 12, 2018, 07:58:50 AM »
Treasur - Yes, those are those traditions that just emerge. The best ones are not forced  :)

Thunder - I agree. I know my XH well enough to read his expressions. He has changed in MLC, but certain things you know after 30 years. Those smiles are all facade for his B and SIL's sake. He could be enjoying himself on one level, but I cannot believe that he isn't feeling that loss of what he had. He may not be able to identify it and that is what the problem really is with MLC, in my estimation. The MLCer feels pain or emptiness and instead of stopping to say "what is really causing this", like an addict they go look for that next quick fix to mask the pain.

Many of us discover the only way through the pain and get to that other side - happiness - is to push through the pain and deal with it. Otherwise it just compounds and becomes this mountain that seems impossible to climb.

On my way back from having my car serviced, I did discover that my count was accurate. LOL. However, I chose a different path on the way to the gallery and took a side road that crosses to the main road. I have never been down this road. It has similar swamp lands running through it, so it makes sense, but the Osprey are pretty selective about where they nest. Along this backroad there were 3 more nests, but like the ones I normally see, they were perched on the tops of the large towers that carry the electric lines.

I grabbed the highway and got to drive on a stretch of highway I love. I normally don't get to really take it in, because I normally am on it when the traffic is heavy. Today, I was just encountering the occasional semi.

This stretch runs through swamp areas tucked in the woods. The ice was built up heavily in the swamp areas from last week's freeze. The snow has melted and the weather is insanely warm this morning. The fog was hanging in the air and mixing with the mist coming off the melting swamp. It was gray and drizzling, but the sun was trying to push through. Anyone who knows about light in the creative realm will tell you some of the most intense colors come through with this type of light. I wished I had packed my camera, but I will emblazon the images in my mind to use for inspiration. The bark on the trees were intense, almost black because they were wet, the grasses were a deep ochre and the sky a winter sky blue. Add mist and it was like a well art directed scene in a movie.

When I drive that stretch of highway I always put the radio on a specific radio station that only comes in well there. They play just about anything. It started with "She's Like the Wind". XH had taken me to see Dirty Dancing for our first actual date. (We had been friends before that). That song became the song XH always equated with me. I suppose we could call it "our song", but it was never something we somehow said, it just "was". During the MLC months, I would have been a hot mess with that song coming on. Nothing today. The next song seems appropriate in the MLC timeline, as it is one of those songs that seemed to show up a lot and made me power through "Bring to Me Life" by Evanescence. For a long time I adopted that as my "fight song". By the end of my trip they had played Metallica and then a song by Thomas Rhett - "I Feel Good". The chorus is resonating with me today
Yeah my problems can wait til tomorrow,
cause I feel good today yeah,
can't nobody bring me down...

My moments of being annoyed are gone for now. I am in control of my own happiness to a degree. I know a storm is rolling in this afternoon, so I prepared -- stilettos for my afternoon, and a pair of hiking boots for the ride home, because we are going to get pounded. But, it is okay - I got my fun driving in and later a different type of drive may await me. But it is okay because I do feel good today :)

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #57 on: January 12, 2018, 03:24:59 PM »
My M has been texting me all day. I am grateful for her concern, but I wish she would not worry so much. Worried about me working and having to travel, etc. I kept telling her I was watching the weather and in the gallery, I have a huge picture window that allows me to monitor the changes. But, it didn't matter. She was clearly not wanting me out.

I let her know my boss didn't want me to keep the gallery opened past 4. She was there to teach a class and said she saw the weather report and did not want to ever hold any of us there in bad weather. This was rather funny, since Miss Management was texting me as my boss was standing right there and her text was she wanted to make sure I kept the place open in spite of the weather report and was I planning on working tomorrow. I texted her back and was telling her that I was under direct orders from the owner not to come in tomorrow if it is bad out. Miss Management questioned me and my boss got annoyed and sent her a text herself. Miss Management is upset because her other job is going to mandate that she comes in. My boss turned to me and said she will be very upset with me if I come in and risk life and limb and would not feel good if any of us had an accident in the bad weather to open the gallery. Before she left, she told me that if anyone came in right before I closed I was to tell them we were closing early. She gave me a big hug and said she wanted me to get home to my kids and to text her when I got there. I love my boss :)

The drive home was not bad. Raining and the temperature dropping rapidly.

When I got home, my M sent me yet another slew of texts. One to see if I was home. Another to tell me that two people commented to her today that my S is a wonderful young man. The comments were that he is incredibly caring and never asks for anything in return. My M sent an emoji, (new one for her - LOL) with a smile and said "just like his M".

I had to laugh a bit at that last bit, as if I followed the MLC blame game XH wrote up, I was apparently the most self-centered, selfish person on earth.

I am far from perfect. I do know that I get great joy out of being there for others. I like helping, but I don't go looking to fix things.

Yesterday, my coworker said there has been a spark lately in me. A passion that is showing up. It was funny because later yesterday someone else mentioned it as well. They had asked me a question about had I considered running for the town or school boards. No way. I asked why and they said it is because I am often willing to speak up for others. I used to work in that type of atmosphere. I have thought about this "spark" today quite a bit. I don't want to speak for those who make a choice not to speak, which is what I found with a lot of when I worked in that atmosphere. I do however like showing others how to find their voice - my students in particular. I want to help empower them. Not for me, but for them. No, I am where I am supposed to be.

I am finding my passion again and I hadn't realized how much I have missed it. My coworker was kidding me about how I have been just getting so excited about showing the kids things. He said it is rather contagious and quite intoxicating - LOL I told him maybe I had better reel it in a bit. He assures me it is not a bad thing and the kids that are being pulled in are really finding their own passions and the positive energy is working.

It is a bit humbling, but I am going to keep doing what I am doing. It is agreeing with my own mood and maybe there is something to positive energy feeding off of positive energy. My students are fueling something in me and it seems so foreign after the MLC months of doom and gloom. 

Online Shocked

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #58 on: January 12, 2018, 09:09:30 PM »
Happy to hear your mood is continually improving!!!! Well done on the healing my friend!!!🤗💪👍
I care🤗
H 51
W 58
M 22 Years
2 AD both married from my first M
BD 12/15 moved out-in replay, vanisher, MOW in Atlanta
D 2/17

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - a new year with new pieces
« Reply #59 on: January 13, 2018, 07:44:05 AM »
Thank you Shocked :) It is a process and I am sure there will be more tears. I know there are things that are still triggers and may always be triggers. I know that I have other rings of fire to go through, one being the idea of crossing that line into some type of new relationship at some point.

XH is back from his vacation it would seem. I had a bit of a laugh as he got back yesterday and was complaining about how cold it was in Florida while he was down there for a portion of his trip. He returned just in time to be snowed in today with a a travel ban. (Not nice of me to laugh, but I am :P)

The rumor mill made it back to XH regarding the great scandal in the driveway - LOL.

D has not said a word to me about any of this and I will only address it if she brings it up, but she has spoken to S. Both kids know exactly what happened. I gave them a heads up that rumors might fly. I had nothing to hide, but their F has done such a good job of blindsiding them over the past few months, I try and be very up front about things. This type of rumor, knowing how it might get blown out up is one I figured they should be prepared for. I had told them it was not so that they had to somehow defend me, because there is nothing to defend. But, I did want them to know that yes, my coworker was here dropping off the appointment book and someone did drive by. That was it. I also told them if I do ever decide to start dating, etc. they would know enough to at least know who I was with, etc. It all boils down to my kids needing to know I am not going to lie to them. I have no reason to.

S let me know what was said by D, not to betray a confidence, but he was laughing a bit about it. He told me to prepare myself because D did not lie about a single thing, but she knowingly dropped some fuel onto that fire. He said XH has not said a word to him, which makes him wonder if he knows he won't get anywhere with S or if it is some way to see if he can rile D up. But, it would appear D's responses were quite funny. XH mentioned that he heard I was "seeing someone" (yes, in the driveway - LOL). D told XH I see him nearly every day. (True - at work). XH said he heard he was a good looking guy and wanted to know if she had met him. D said yes she has met him and there are lots of her friends who think he is really cute. (She did not tell him that her friends see him at school and have said he is really cute. She has in fact met him at school in the hall when I was there). XH asked how old he was. D said "he just turned 30 not too long ago". XH said he heard he was at the house. D said she wasn't here, but yes, he was.

D dropped it after that. S said when she recounted the exchange with S she was incredibly annoyed with XH. They both agreed he made his decision and I have done nothing but have protected them and my worst "offense" was staying out late a couple of times with my friend -- hardly a crime, as they knew where I was. LOL.

S sat at the kitchen bar while I made coffee this morning, waiting for the tractor to warm up so he could plow and get to work. After we had a good laugh about how XH has forgotten that D will not lie about anything, but she will not hold back. She has his ability to go into "lawyer mode" and will give just the facts and then good luck trying to battle with her. It is an admirable skill if you are not on the receiving end - LOL. And she clearly was in protective mode, which is a whole other level of intensity. Yikes.  ;D

As S and I shook our heads both laughing saying "what the he!! was he thinking trying to get info from D". D can be the most sensitive, loving kid, but she is incredibly strong willed and protective. She fits that stereotype of a Leo and add that auburn haired Irish fierceness - good luck. We joke and say they used her for the model for the character Princess Merida in the movie Brave. She is a force to be reckoned with when provoked.

My friend and I have talked about "the look" D can give you. My friend has been on the receiving end of that look and it is a look of "I am processing something, give me space and I will let you know when I am done processing". Luckily, my friend has not ever been introduced to the "I have processed and now I am pissed at you" backlash. LOL

S was just about ready to go outside when he told me that it is none of XH's business who I see. He has said this before, but he told me I should start dating and his only stipulation was the guy had better know how special I am and treat me well. He then, in his very funny sense of humor said "and by the way M, if you decide you want to start "entertaining" at home, just give me a heads up, so that I can make other plans to not be there". Smarta$$ - LOL

With that he was out the door but made sure he gave me a big hug and a kiss on the cheek.  :)


 

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