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Author Topic: My Story Only Time Will Tell  (Read 1150 times)

Offline FaithWalkerTopic starter

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My Story Only Time Will Tell
« on: January 03, 2018, 03:13:26 PM »
Thread #8 brought to you courtesy of Asia...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lza2H-fj5Es

Previous thread:

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9588.0

2018...just past 2 year mark for BD.  Not the same intense pain at BD, but still healing.  Still cycling, still pushing forward.  This type of grief definitely leaves a permanent scar upon your soul.

So...in 2016 my word was COURAGE.  This word is still dear to me and I keep it as one of my top.
2017 I chose the phrase BE INTENTIONAL.  Trying to do things with intention, whether it was to rest and take time for me, or to cherish the phase that I am in with my children.
2018 words is PASSION.  I don't know what this looks like yet.

I'm still working my way through the book by Ann Voskamp, called The Broken Way.  Today in my reading I came across this phrase by Max Lucado...

If today were your last, would you do what you're doing?
Or would you love more, give more, forgive more?
Then do so!
Forgive and give as if it were your last opportunity.
Love like there's no tomorrow, and if tomorrow comes, love again.

I love this, and I want to live this!

I have really, really tried not to build a wall around my heart, and yet, I think that there is one there...at least a shield that I put up sometimes at my convenience.  It's hard for me to take risks, and I sometimes keep reservations, but my goal is to work hard on healing that wound of rejection so that I can be free to put my whole heart into those things that I do.  I'm not talking about dating, or getting out there in that way, I am just talking about throwing myself into life unreservedly.  With passion!

I am still working through so many emotions, and anger is still there.  I have to work through that still.  I have forgiven for BD.  What I am working through now is 2017, the R with the new girl, the running away to other State and dropping the kids like a hot potato, the selfish, selfish choices.  So... there is still mirror work to do.  I have to work on letting that anger go.  Standing is so very, very hard when the person you are seeing is not someone that you would be remotely interested in as a partner if it weren't for the fact that we were united as one flesh and I need to remember that what I am standing for, what I am fighting for, is the vision that I saw of his future self.  If that vision comes true, that is a future self that I can take pride in.  Right now, I am dealing with a lot of disappointment, and trying not to let it become resentment.

A word that I have been given that I had shelved, is Ezer Kenegdo and I'm going to be studying on this more.

2018 needs to be a year of preparing myself for something that could happen this year.  I have hope.  And I realize that I am not ready.  I'm not there yet.  I don't know that I would be ready to receive him if he were to show up on my doorstep today.

I hope this makes sense.  My mind is a jumbled mess right now, lots of thoughts and feeling's swirling around in there.
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9711.0

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline heroIam

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Re: Only Time Will Tell
« Reply #1 on: January 03, 2018, 03:15:20 PM »
Hi FW.
I love that saying.
Following along with you....
“In the end, you’ve got to be your own hero because everyone’s busy trying to save themselves.”

Offline Strongcurrent

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Re: Only Time Will Tell
« Reply #2 on: January 04, 2018, 01:38:18 AM »
FW

Nice opening post for the new year ... In essence it sounds like you are making positive steps for yourself.

Like you at this stge I have no real desire to date - deep down I guess I never want to  be vulnerable to the hurt and pain that I endured due to the rejection of the man I once loved.

Take care

SC x

Offline No expectations

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Re: Only Time Will Tell
« Reply #3 on: January 04, 2018, 06:37:05 AM »
Welcome to your new thread,  Faith!  Looking forward to continuing with you on your adventures and your passion  ;)
Married 10 1/2 years, together 17.  BD 9/2016, 2nd BD 10/16.  H moved out 10/16.  2 AS's from my first M.  Me 55, H 49.  OW 23.

"And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through; how you managed to survive.  You won't even be sure if the storm is really over.  But one thing is certain; when you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person that walked in...that's what this storm is all about."

"The trick is to enjoy life.  Don't wish away your days, waiting for better ones."

Offline Acorn

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Re: Only Time Will Tell
« Reply #4 on: January 04, 2018, 11:23:26 AM »
Following along, FW.
May 2018 be the year you live with passion each day!
Feb 2015: H has a Nuclear meltdown.  A tear-fest.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Still home

Offline FaithWalkerTopic starter

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Re: Only Time Will Tell
« Reply #5 on: January 04, 2018, 12:23:16 PM »
Hello Here, SC, NoEx and Acorn!  Glad to have you aboard.

Not much to post about today.  My nephew 13 came over to spend the night with S12 yesterday, and is still here.  We were all going to go see the Greatest Showman but that has been postponed until tomorrow I think.

I am meeting S17's step-mom for coffee at 2:30.  Her motive is that she wants to discuss plans for our mutual graduation party at her and S17's F's large home across town.  We did a party for his 16th birthday there, and it went really well.  My M and B's family were in attendance as well as a bunch of his F's family, and also MLCer and his parents.  It was 2 months after the D was final and I was not sure how it was going to go.  My M and MIL cried and hugged together in a corner.  My M sat with my FIL for a while.  I had a lovely talk with S17's F's Mom, and there was 0 drama, just everyone having a good time, other than the tender moments between the mom's and my moment with S17's Grandmother on his F's side, who would have been my MIL if we had married when I was pregnant with S17.  I would have never guessed that we could all be together like that.  Everyone was very cordial and in fact, looked happy to visit with each other.  Even MIL and S17's grandmother, who hadn't seen much of each other over the years.  We did a mutual birthday party when S17 turned 2, but then after that, things turned really frustrating and chaotic between us (partly) and so we did our own parties years 3-15.

Anyway, we shall see how it goes.  I have forgiven them.  MLCer and I attended a birthday party for S17 a few months after he turned 15 over at their home.  That would have been in August of 2015, right before things went south.  It was "Forgiveness Sunday" on the calendar and an invitation had been extended to us.  We all decided to bury the hatchet then and there.  I can't remember when I finally trusted step-mom enough to accept her friendship on FB, but it's been a gradual thing.  She wasn't necessarily the OW, but there was a bit of a betrayal between friends there, back when I was pregnant with S17.
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9711.0

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline Dew

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Re: Only Time Will Tell
« Reply #6 on: January 04, 2018, 02:06:21 PM »
FW, I seem to have missed a lot of threads while I was away here. A lot of things have happened. Courage indeed you have, passion I wish you for this year, having the nerve to really be yourself is a wonderful thing. Not taking things personal from the four agreements helps to reveal the real and passionate you. Hugs!
Acceptance doesn't mean resignation; it means understanding that something is what it is and that there's got to be a way through it.
My happiness grows in direct proportion to my acceptance, and in inverse proportion to my expectations.
(Both < Michael J Fox)

Offline FaithWalkerTopic starter

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Re: Only Time Will Tell
« Reply #7 on: January 04, 2018, 06:09:53 PM »
Hi there Dew, glad to have you aboard.

Thank you for the reminder about the four agreements.

So, visit with S17's step-mom went very well.  We are going to do a lot of collaboration on S17's party.  We were able to discuss some other things as well, and she also gave me a bit of her perspective on the girl that S17 has been "seeing."  I have only briefly met her once, but step-mom's brother is dating her mother, and they live together, so she has a bit more on her situation, and it seems as if maybe she is playing a bit of a game with S17.  I am trying not to get involved, but I guess that step-mom has been texting her and asking her to stop jerking him around.

Warning:  *Sensitive material below - read at your own risk*

We've had a big trauma here this afternoon.  Since S12 chored his and D15's rabbits yesterday, I asked D15 to chore them today as S12 was being dropped off with nephew 13 at his house while I met with step-mom.  When S12 and I got back, D15 hadn't done it yet, but I reminded her again and she went right out there.  She came back in and looked sickly.  She burst into tears and said that she thinks that S12's rabbit is dead.  Either that or sleeping.  Of course we have never seen the rabbits sleep and so I knew that the worst had happened.  I went out and took stock myself and sure enough, rigor mortis had set in.  He passed away sometime between yesterday and today.  He still had all of his food and most of his water so I don't think neglect got him, and it wasn't old age, as he's just a couple weeks away from turning 5.  There's no sign of trauma, and I saw him the day before as I chore them when the kids are gone.  My guess is maybe a black widow, though I did not see any sign of one.  I've never really had to deal with a dead pet on my own before, so I am pretty traumatized.  After the shock had wore off a bit and I was faced with what to do with him, I started deeply sobbing in the kitchen.  He was a beautiful, soft mini-rex and S12 used to show him for 4h.  They have been a bit neglected in the past 2 years, when S12 and D15 chose to stop showing them at the fair, but basic needs and comforts have been provided.  S12 seems stoic.  I seem to be more saddened then everyone.

I reached out to my best friend and she offered their small pet cemetary for his burial.  We are so touched by this, as my little bitty yard here in the midst of the city doesn't seem like a good place, and I cannot, CANNOT just dump him in the dumpster.  S17 came outside, but we discovered him 5 minutes before he was due to leave for work, so I shooed him away and told him to go ahead and go to work.  I came inside, had a few more deep heart-wrenching sobs, that just well up from deep in your gut.  I put on my brave face and with heavy leaf bag in hand, and protection for my hands, I set out to get him out of his cage.  You would think growing up on a farm that I could handle this, but I had 3 older brothers and 1 younger and was always super sensitive to the death of an animal.  I'm blubbering again as I type.   :'(  I tried to pretend that he was a stuffed animal and disassociate myself from the act of wrapping him in the trash bag.  I placed him in am Amazon box and secured him outside where he should be safe.  We have seen cats roaming around but the presence and smell of our dog in the yard seems to deter most from coming over the fence.  We will go to friend's house tomorrow and have a small ceremony for him.  Her H doesn't think that the ground is frozen too much and that we should be able to bury him.  Unusually strange for January in Colorado.

We have had to endure the death of our dog before, but the kids were napping when he passed, and they were pretty young at the time.  They did come down and say their last goodbyes, but his body was still warm.  I was very grateful for hubby who came back from work just after he passed and took charge.  He wept over him and then took the next day off and drove with his F up to the family cabin and buried him.  We've been to visit his grave a few times since then.

Part of my weeping was over having to do this alone, I think.  I have debated whether I should text MLCer and give him a heads up, since it is S12's pet, or just let him find out from relatives when I do a RIP post on FB.  I have a lovely photo of S12 laying on his stomach on the floor looking out the window of our old house with bunny perched on his back looking out as well.  H took the picture a few years ago.  We used to let the rabbits in to run around every day for about 30 minutes when we lived at the old house.  We had laminate flooring throughout the living areas and was an easy clean-up if they made a mess.  They were actually very comical as they liked to chase the cat and dog around, which were the same size.

Thank you for being here my LBS friends.  I am grateful for your comfort tonight.
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9711.0

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline moc

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Re: Only Time Will Tell
« Reply #8 on: January 04, 2018, 10:09:22 PM »
FW: I am so sorry the passing of the rabbit hit you so hard.  In my opinion, your MLCer can find out other ways.  I would not text him at all.  He USED TO BE a comfort years ago, but he is no more.  Lean on your children, family and friends.  Take comfort in us here.  The loss of a pet is a loss of a family member.  Cry it out as much as you can.

Peace be with you!
~ avoiding the Damn Foolish Idealistic Narcissistic Crusade ~ MLC

~ MLCers: one fruitcake short of a Christmas

Offline FaithWalkerTopic starter

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Re: Only Time Will Tell
« Reply #9 on: January 04, 2018, 10:33:18 PM »
Thank you moc.  I sat down to dinner and realized that I hadn't flipped over my daily calendar.  Today it said "Don't let anger fester for too long. Make the first move toward reconciliation."  I took that as a sign that I should reach out and text him, so that he would be aware before S12 goes back over to his home.  I did not ask for his help in any way, and he did not offer, but he did respond that he thought that was sad and that he hoped we were all doing okay.  I replied with a simple thank you.

I feel at peace with this.  Seeing as it was S12's rabbit.

The simple text I sent was straight forward and to the point.  A far cry from the frantic phone call I made to him when our dog got sick and I didn't know what to do.  He was prepared to immediately rush home from work early  and take him to the vet hospital, but sadly the dog passed on a little before he arrived.  It was very hard for me as the dog lay his head in my lap as he passed.  The way that he took charge and took the next day off as well to take care of all the details has me remembering a good memory of him, in spite of the pain of that day.

Today, instead, I called my brother, and texted with my best friend. 

I don't generally drink my cares away, but I did pour a glass of bubbly with dinner tonight, a bottle that was left over from NYE.  Tomorrow we will get through the burial, and move forward with a positive mindset that 2018 is still going to be a great year.

M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9711.0

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline Silver

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Re: Only Time Will Tell
« Reply #10 on: January 04, 2018, 11:56:22 PM »
Following along my friend,
Sorry about the rabbit's death and that you had to handle that situation alone.
I really love your starting post at your new thread, reading your thread always gives me a lots of hope, you have done so well and yet see that your journey is still on, work to be done and so on. Remember, the shield and the wall around hart are 2 different things. Imo we need that shield really but do not have to build a wall.
Sending prayers and strength.



"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Online Treasur

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Re: Only Time Will Tell
« Reply #11 on: January 05, 2018, 02:19:20 AM »
I'm sorry - I think new griefs somehow tickle the edge of our bigger pain for a bit. It sounds as if you did everything you could with grace for humans and rabbit alike x
BD - Oct 15, mostly silent vanishing husband, diagnosed with severe depression in Dec 15 & seeing psychiatrist/on ADs since then
OW since Apr 16, maybe earlier?
H filed Jan 17.
80/20 strategy for me in 2018

"her soul is fierce, her heart is brave, her mind is strong." R.H Sin
Grace is...Elegance, good will, unearned blessings, a prayer of thanks and how to address a duchess.
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Online Puzzled

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Re: Only Time Will Tell
« Reply #12 on: January 05, 2018, 03:16:51 AM »
Sorry to hear about S12's rabbit.  It sounds like rabbit had a good rabbit life in your family.  You handled this difficult situation well, and your big heart shines through your posts! 
Me: 46 (43 at BD1)
H: 52 (48 at BD1)
D: 9 (6 at BD1)
Met in 1995, married since 2000
BD 1: August 2014
BD 2: October 2015, moved abroad

Offline FaithWalkerTopic starter

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Re: Only Time Will Tell
« Reply #13 on: January 05, 2018, 08:15:52 PM »
Following along my friend,
Sorry about the rabbit's death and that you had to handle that situation alone.
I really love your starting post at your new thread, reading your thread always gives me a lots of hope, you have done so well and yet see that your journey is still on, work to be done and so on. Remember, the shield and the wall around hart are 2 different things. Imo we need that shield really but do not have to build a wall.
Sending prayers and strength.

Thank you Silver, good reminder about the difference between a shield and a wall.

I'm sorry - I think new griefs somehow tickle the edge of our bigger pain for a bit. It sounds as if you did everything you could with grace for humans and rabbit alike x

Yes Treasur, I think that's definitely it, the tickling the edges of the bigger pain.

Sorry to hear about S12's rabbit.  It sounds like rabbit had a good rabbit life in your family.  You handled this difficult situation well, and your big heart shines through your posts! 


Thank you Puzzled.

Today we had the burial for bunny.  My BFF stopped her painting to come help S12 and I to dig.  It took us an hour to dig his grave, but it went faster after nephew 16 came to help us.  Her D11 cried when hearing about S12's bunny, as she would always give him a bit of attention when she came over.  D15 must have shared her trauma with BFF's D13 as D13 asked if she was better today and they leaned on each other a bit.  They all came out when we were done digging along with BFF's S6 and I quoted a bit of scripture, the one about the sparrow and said a little prayer and then we laid him in the ground.  D15 and BFF's D13 took a handful of dirt and threw it in and nephew 16, S12 and I filled in the grave.

After that S12 opted to stay and play with her S6 while I took D15 and her D's to do a little retail therapy.  D15 spent some of her Christmas money and then we had some Starbucks gift cards so we stopped in there and got some refreshment.  Everyone seemed to be in good spirits and enjoyed each other's company.  We brought a Starbucks version Butter Beer back for S12 and BFF's S6 and a caramel macchiato for BFF.

We got back home just a few minutes after S17 got off work, so we are all back together for the evening.  The kids are watching Guardians of the Galaxy 2 on Netflix and all seems to be okay this evening.
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9711.0

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline No expectations

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Re: Only Time Will Tell
« Reply #14 on: January 05, 2018, 08:26:33 PM »
Faith,  I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your s's precious bunny.  I do agree, some of your emotional response may be attributed to knowing you had to be the sole strong parent through this.   

Sometimes I miss that person I had that would hugs me tight and let me that everything would be alright.
Married 10 1/2 years, together 17.  BD 9/2016, 2nd BD 10/16.  H moved out 10/16.  2 AS's from my first M.  Me 55, H 49.  OW 23.

"And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through; how you managed to survive.  You won't even be sure if the storm is really over.  But one thing is certain; when you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person that walked in...that's what this storm is all about."

"The trick is to enjoy life.  Don't wish away your days, waiting for better ones."

Offline moc

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Re: Only Time Will Tell
« Reply #15 on: January 05, 2018, 08:58:27 PM »
Faith: thinking of you on the passing of your dearly beloved pet/family member.

Side note: as soon as I seen your title to your thread, the song played in my head even before reading the details.  I absolutely love ASIA.  Have been a fan ever since their first album.  Sad that one of their founding members passed on last year.  I would have loved to seen them in concert especially that they were touring with Journey. 

Bless you.
~ avoiding the Damn Foolish Idealistic Narcissistic Crusade ~ MLC

~ MLCers: one fruitcake short of a Christmas

Offline FaithWalkerTopic starter

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Re: Only Time Will Tell
« Reply #16 on: January 05, 2018, 09:06:46 PM »
Thank you NoEx.  What doesn't kill us makes us stronger right?  I do think that partly that is true.  Doing it alone was tough, but I am so happy that I did have the physical support of nephew 16 and some emotional and physical support from BFF.  And I feel, like with other tough things that we have to muster strength to do, that might have fallen on our spouse's capable shoulders before this, that I have come away from this situation feeling a bit more empowered, if that makes sense.

And I think that it is one more thing that has opened a doorway of sharing and bonding between S12, D15 and I.  S17 was pretty busy with work today and yesterday and wasn't as attached to S12's bunny as he found him a bit of a nuisance lol so he wasn't really emotionally invested like the rest of us.  But sharing the load and going through the whole process together helped bring us closer, which might not have been something we would have gone through had bunny just been whisked away by someone to be disposed of, or out of sight out of mind once the discovery had been made.  It was a bit somber knowing that he was in the vehicle with us as we drove (closed in his temporary coffin box), but probably a good bit of life experience for the kids to go through this process.

Just got off the phone with my Mama, who had seen the tribute on FB and was calling to send her regards.  She's been down with the flu between Christmas and New Year's but is feeling much better and got out today to go and swim with 2 of her sisters, so it's good to hear that she has bounced back thoroughly, as I was a bit worried about her.

Just went to post moc and saw that I had another reply.  Thank you kindly.

Ahh, sorry to hear that one of their members passed on.  Yes, a Journey and ASIA concert would have been awesome.
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9711.0

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline FaithWalkerTopic starter

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Re: Only Time Will Tell
« Reply #17 on: January 05, 2018, 11:12:32 PM »
Continuing on from where I was going in this thread before loss of a pet derailed me a bit, I've been slowly working through my photos on my laptop.  After BD, I would use my cell phone a lot, and when things jumped out at me, whether it was a meme, or a phrase from one of my email devotions, etc., I would screenshot them, and slowly I am compiling them and adding them to a private photo album on FB.  I post date them and then, my "On This Day" memories flash them up for me, which I think is pretty cool.

Anyway, I came across this poem that I had saved in August of '16 and re-read it.  It really resonated with me, still, and I wanted to share it here in case someone else really gets something out of it.

"Wait"
by Russell Kelfer

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I plead and I wept for a clue to my fate...
And the Master so gently said, "Wait."

"Wait?  You say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened?  Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word."

"My future and all to which I relate,
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign."

"You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking!  I need a reply."

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, "So I'm waiting for what?"

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine...
And He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run."

"I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint."

"You'd not learn to see through the clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me,
When darkness and silence are all you can see."

"You'd never experience the fullness of love,
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart."

"The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask,
From an infinite God who makes what you have last."

"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you."

"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see,
That the greatest gifts is to truly know Me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still....
Wait."

*bold added by me
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9711.0

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Online CanLetGo

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Re: Only Time Will Tell
« Reply #18 on: January 06, 2018, 07:37:03 AM »
Sorry for the loss of the bunny, family pets are precious. I grew up in a very small country town, but have always struggled with nature. A fledgling came out of its nest here last week, and I protected it from my dog, but it unfortunately ended up in my pool. It was a big deal for me to get it out and dispose of it, very gross for me...but like you, no choice, had to step up and do it.
Me 44
H 47
3 young adult kids
BD December 2013, left home August 2014
OW 17 years younger

Offline FaithWalkerTopic starter

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Re: Only Time Will Tell
« Reply #19 on: January 07, 2018, 04:21:20 PM »
Thank you CLG.  I'm sorry to hear about the fledgling.  I have always been very sensitive to nature.  My brothers used to make fun of me because I cried when my F ran over a skunk.  My F hated skunks because they would break into his hives and eat the bees. 

But it didn't matter to me that he was a stinky animal, he was a living thing and deserved someone mourning over his death.

Journaling

So we are ending our Holiday break.  Tomorrow is the last day.  We have been having lots of rest and staying up late and sleeping in.  We all agreed that we need to get back on track and wake up early tomorrow to get our sleep cycles back in rhythm for school.  I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow afternoon.  A follow up from a few months ago.  Sadly, I received a letter from my doctor a few months back saying that she will be moving out of the practice and on to something else after Spring Break.  It seems this happens a lot with our school district medical office.  She is the 2nd doctor I've had since starting there in 2016.  I'm disappointed, but MLC has taught me "it is what it is."  I'm hoping that the new doctor they chose for me will make an appearance and introduce herself, as in the letter my doctor I have now said that she agreed to take up my health case.

I've applied for another couple jobs.  1 that would replace the one I have now and 2 others that would be supplemental to what I have now.

S12 seems to possibly be fighting off an illness.  We've been fairly lucky so far with our health this year.  He said he felt off last night and ended up sleeping in my bed.  He felt warm to me overnight when he would brush up against me, it seemed even his hands were warm, but he woke up today with no fever and seems ok, so I'm keeping an eye on him.  Leave it to him to be okay all of break and then miss school going back because he is sick lol.   We skipped Church this morning so that he could have a lie in and I was up and down throughout the night checking on him and a bit restless with him in my bed as I'm used to sleeping alone other than these random drop-ins that he does.  S17 thinks it's weird.  I have no problem with it because I know that soon enough he'll stop sleeping in my bed.  He's growing up, and he's my last.

D15 had her cousin 14 (MLCer's cousin's kid) over to sleepover last night, so they were all sacked out in the living room.

Our winter break has been great, a good balanced mixture of activities, with a lot of low-key staying home interspersed, and I've also been able to get caught up on some things that were lacking attention due to the busyness and reality of being a single mom with 3 kids.  It's sad to see it coming to an end.  Fortunately we get a bit of an ease into it as this week will be a 4 day week and next week will also be, due to it being MLK Jr. day on Monday.  We also have a few random days off in February, and then a week of Spring Break in March.  April is our longest month with no days off, but I have built up enough personal time/sick leave that I could take it (if I don't have a new job before then).  Before I know it May will be here and that's a huge month with S17's graduation, my 40th, and our impending cruise on which D15 becomes D16 and S17 becomes S18.
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9711.0

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Online CanLetGo

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Re: Only Time Will Tell
« Reply #20 on: January 07, 2018, 05:01:46 PM »
Glad your break has been nice, hope S doesn’t get sick now. Good luck with your job applications! Look forward to hearing how your year unfolds, May sounds very action packed & exciting!
Me 44
H 47
3 young adult kids
BD December 2013, left home August 2014
OW 17 years younger

Online CanLetGo

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Re: Only Time Will Tell
« Reply #21 on: January 07, 2018, 05:06:25 PM »
Thought I would reply over here Faith 😊😂 I think I am a bit obsessed with stranger things too, we started watching more st (I think that’s what it was called) last night, where they are doing round table chats with the actors and the creators etc, was good! We watched it over 2-3 nights, that’s the bad thing with streaming, it’s over so quickly & you have to wait a long time for more!
Me 44
H 47
3 young adult kids
BD December 2013, left home August 2014
OW 17 years younger

Offline FaithWalkerTopic starter

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Re: Only Time Will Tell
« Reply #22 on: January 07, 2018, 05:16:49 PM »
Thank you CLG, I hope that your new year has been great so far.

Yes, May will be a very busy month.  I am hoping that some of my other siblings can come on the cruise with us.  My M is going, and my B that I lived with is going along with my SIL (who is one of my best friends), my nephew 16 (who will be N17 at the time of the cruise) and my nephew 13 (who will be N14).  S12 becomes S13 in March, so the kids ages will be 13, 14, 16, 17, 18.  The kids are so looking forward to spending time together.  My B and his family are avid cruisers, and are excited to show my kids the cruising life.  My kids have never been on a cruise and my first was Dec of '16 during what would have been my 15th wedding anniversary.  I went with the above SIL and we had a wonderful time.  We did a 3 day and we are going back to this same cruise, but doing a 4 day and adding in one more stop on our cruise route.  We also plan on staying in either Mesquite or Vegas on our way out, and then going to Universal Studios afterwards.  It's a bit of a stretch financially for me, but some memories with my kids that I may not get again as S17 will have graduated and have some idea of his future.  If my other B's families come, it will be one heck of a reunion as my oldest brother has 5 kids, my 2nd oldest 4, and my younger B has 3, and they are all, with the exception of a couple of them that are younger, teenagers.  I will feel sorry for the rest of the passengers on board, lol.

The rest of the summer will be living more frugally I'm sure.  Fortunately, I have a little pop-up camper, so we can still do some cheap summer excursions.

It definitely is giving us something to look forward to.  MLCer never had the desire to go on a cruise.  Not sure if he feels the same way, but he exhibited much frustration at my B and SIL who would cruise often and they would invite us along, no pressure.  He was never interested and the kids and I would swallow down our disappointment.  He may feel differently now, as his parent's just recently got back from a cruise with her cousin and cousin's H and were sharing all about their excursions, which were out of Texas.  When I last had dinner with all of them, I shared a bit about my cruise that I had taken.  He was pretty quiet during that exchange.  It really seems like a fantastic way to have a vacation.  I didn't take the kids with me last time, but one of the things that was difficult about taking vacation's with my kids, was that it was less fun for me than it was for them.  I had to do so much planning, and then there was the stress and pressure of traveling, whether it was to the beach, or to a theme park, etc.  I had to figure out meals, etc.  All of that is virtually taken care of for you and is all included.  The kids can run around the ship and play mini golf, go down the water slide, eat at the buffet whenever they want, set up a board game in the library, and dine all together as a family with our extended's in the evening.  And there is no stress or pressure on me to entertain them.  It's a win/win!   ;D

M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9711.0

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline FaithWalkerTopic starter

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Re: Only Time Will Tell
« Reply #23 on: January 07, 2018, 05:19:45 PM »
Thought I would reply over here Faith 😊😂 I think I am a bit obsessed with stranger things too, we started watching more st (I think that’s what it was called) last night, where they are doing round table chats with the actors and the creators etc, was good! We watched it over 2-3 nights, that’s the bad thing with streaming, it’s over so quickly & you have to wait a long time for more!

You must have been replying while I typed.  Yes, S12 is so mad that it doesn't look like ST3 will come out until 2019.  He's bemoaning and saying "how am I supposed to wait?"  LOL

My friends and I were a bit obsessed with Twilight when it came out, having read all the books, and I reminded him that we've waited years in between that, and the Hunger Games series, not to mention Star Wars and the like.  I reminded him that there are lots of other things that crop up that make the time pass quickly.  Like, the cruise for instance!  LOL

I resisted ST at first, but when it was clear that the kids really wanted to share their enthusiasm with me, I gave in.  And of course now I understand why they were so hyped about it.
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9711.0

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Online CanLetGo

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Re: Only Time Will Tell
« Reply #24 on: January 07, 2018, 05:41:03 PM »
I’ve never cruised, would love to one day though. Not sure about seasickness though! The big group of you will be amazing if it happens! I was the holiday organiser too, all booking, planning, be on the plane filling out 5 departure cards etc if it was international travel. H was like the kids, all organised for him. And he always worked - kids would be worried he would miss trains etc, as we would be on board and he would be out on his phone etc. A workaholic. And I bet I am now considered controlling, and as the holiday planner that forms part of his argument. He didn’t seem to enjoy them, on reflection.

Have to admit to a crush on Hopper 😂 I think it’s the obvious care he has for Joyce...I think I’m romanticising there’s someone out there like that for me. I have almost zero interaction with any males, so wouldn’t happen. I think I’m saying that meeting someone and there being a chemistry is much more appealing to me than a dating site...if that time ever comes. Not now, but maybe one day in the future 😊
Me 44
H 47
3 young adult kids
BD December 2013, left home August 2014
OW 17 years younger

Offline Shocked

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Re: Only Time Will Tell
« Reply #25 on: January 07, 2018, 06:48:41 PM »
I loved your poem! Welcome to your new thread!!! 2018 must be better!!!
I care🤗
H 51
W 58
M 22 Years
2 AD both married from my first M
BD 12/15 moved out-in replay, vanisher, MOW in Atlanta
D 2/17

Offline FaithWalkerTopic starter

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Re: Only Time Will Tell
« Reply #26 on: January 07, 2018, 07:23:55 PM »
CLG, they will come up with any excuse at BD.  I'm sure you were an incredible Holiday planner.  Other than Mexico on that cruise December before last, I've never traveled outside the U.S.  Bucket list for future is definitely UK, Paris, Ireland, and Australia/NZ.  I'm sure there are others.

I did get a little sick one day, and had to take some dramamine.  One of the boats stabilizers was broken though, and SIL and I ordered a pitcher of alcohol that was quite strong.  I think the combination of the two made me sick, but I survived it and other than that one morning of our day out at sea, was just fine.  I think I'll get those motion sickness wristbands for all of us, just in case, and of course keep some dramamine on hand.

I think it's obvious that Hopper cares for Joyce too.  Definitely some sort of entanglement in their history!  It's easy to romanticize things.  When I was reading the Twilight series, I thought about how much Edward seemed to care for Bella and wished my own H would show some sort of Edward caring towards me.  He would tease me that what, did I want him to bite my neck or something.  He never could get the whole romantic connection of those two.  I realize now that's just all fantasy, there's more to relationships than that, but I wanted to be cherished for crying out loud!

Yep, not interested in the whole dating sites myself.  I have an ex-boyfriend that keeps popping up every now and again, and while, quite good looking, it would be a recipe for disaster.  He knows I'm standing, but he can't help but try now and again.  Mostly, recently, he asks how I'm doing and if I've seen any movement.  And he moved across State to be closer to his kids and his ex-wife, whom I think might be an LBS herself.  I'm hoping that maybe seeing things from my perspective, is helping him with his own crisis, but who knows.  We have a lot of history, from when we were 16/17 so we joke publicly on FB about that sometimes.  We were never intimate, so I'm sure that in his mind I would be a bit of a conquest.  Not happening!

Sometimes I think about popping over to see him for a brief visit and asking him to indulge me with a selfie together, just for the purpose of making my MLCer think that he's got something to lose, but I could never do it!

I loved your poem! Welcome to your new thread!!! 2018 must be better!!!

Thank you Shocked, glad to have you aboard!
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9711.0

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Online CanLetGo

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Re: Only Time Will Tell
« Reply #27 on: January 07, 2018, 07:40:03 PM »
Yes, at least there are options to help with motion sickness! I get it just the combination of flying/getting in elevators/then a train etc, doesn’t take much these days. Karma for having no patience for my brother having car sickness as a kid I think 🤔

Interesting that your perspective may help ex BF, it makes sense. You could be a good influence on him maybe with his interactions with ex w. I’m thinking another R would mess up my Netflix binges with my D (been up til around 2-3am, waking 11-12 - holidays are the best!), having my bed to myself, my fur baby with me...etc...life less complicated in many ways. But some male company might be nice one day...
Me 44
H 47
3 young adult kids
BD December 2013, left home August 2014
OW 17 years younger

Offline FaithWalkerTopic starter

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Re: Only Time Will Tell
« Reply #28 on: January 07, 2018, 08:04:51 PM »
Sounds like your vacation time has been spent about the same as ours, time-wise.  We have to get back on track tonight.

I know you haven't been updating your thread lately, but is there no hope for reconciliation with your MLCer in your own story?

I retook the 5 Love Languages test, but took the single quiz this time, and noticed that according to that, my LL has changed.  My top is now Physical Touch.  I wonder if it is coincidence or that it really has changed based on the fact that I'm just not getting much physical touch these days, and definitely NOT in a romantic way at all.  My top LL before was words of affirmation, but I think going through this crisis has made me realize that words without action to back them up, are dead.

Anyway, just trying to get a grip on where you are at CLG. 

There are positives and negatives on both sides of the coin.  To remain single or to be in a relationship.  I guess you will reach that decision when/or if the time comes.   :)
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9711.0

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline moc

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Re: Only Time Will Tell
« Reply #29 on: January 07, 2018, 08:23:54 PM »
Dear friend Faith:

I retook the 5 Love Languages test, but took the single quiz this time, and noticed that according to that, my LL has changed.  My top is now Physical Touch.  I wonder if it is coincidence or that it really has changed based on the fact that I'm just not getting much physical touch these days, and definitely NOT in a romantic way at all.  My top LL before was words of affirmation, but I think going through this crisis has made me realize that words without action to back them up, are dead.

Wow, I 100% agree with you on the LL.  I have never taken the the test but have always known that mine is Physical Touch first and Words of Affirmation second.  Crisis Queen has rarely ever touched me until recently that she is trying.  The Words of Affirmation I agree that needs to have action.  But she still tries and compliments me.

I love Stranger Things.  I am a NETFLIX junkie lately.  PM me for some great ones that are on now. 

I have only been on a cruise 1x (honeymoon with MLCer1) and it was fabulous.  We hit Puerto Rico, St Thomas, Guadalupe (magnificent secret waterfall), Caracas/Venezuela, Aruba (awesome snorkeling) and Grenada (dangerous).  I hope you have a wonderful time. 

Peace be with you.
~ avoiding the Damn Foolish Idealistic Narcissistic Crusade ~ MLC

~ MLCers: one fruitcake short of a Christmas

Online CanLetGo

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Re: Only Time Will Tell
« Reply #30 on: January 07, 2018, 09:09:19 PM »
I can’t remember my old LL, took it a long time ago, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it had changed. My Myers Briggs type has changed, I think life experiences have changed me a lot. I need to start a new thread, didn’t mean to take over your thread instead of KITs! I think I’m done, H still spending time with ow, still denying it, now into the 5th year, don’t think I can get over the betrayal/lies now, too much of a wound to heal. Don’t believe him to not be making concerted choices. Think he wouldn’t be strong enough to conquer limbo either.

Hope you get your sleep back on track - I’ve still got about 2 weeks off, was very lucky to have over 6 weeks off, have a lot of leave owing! Understand why people want to win lotto now - my work used to be a lovely ‘hobby’ for me, part of a balance between family/work, but now work long/hard hours, and full responsibility for house/kids, not as fun anymore!
Me 44
H 47
3 young adult kids
BD December 2013, left home August 2014
OW 17 years younger

Offline FaithWalkerTopic starter

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Re: Only Time Will Tell
« Reply #31 on: January 07, 2018, 09:58:48 PM »
Hey there moc!  My LL used to be Words of affirmation, with quality time and physical touch being not far behind.  Acts of service and gifts are way low on the list.  My H's top was physical touch followed by words of affirmation, so truly we weren't that far off.

That sounds like a fabulous cruise!  I would love to visit more places someday, but have to get my Passport and save up the $ first.

CLG, no apologies taking over my thread!  I enjoy our chats.  I would definitely follow you if you started a new thread. 

I love my time off in the Summer for the same reasons.  I hate to see it go away, but we gotta do what we gotta do.  Yes, full responsibility isn't as fun.  It's hard not to partner life with someone.
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9711.0

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Online CanLetGo

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Re: Only Time Will Tell
« Reply #32 on: January 07, 2018, 10:35:43 PM »
Have enjoyed our ‘chat’ too Faith 😊 despite my time in here today (and my big sleep in 😂) I have managed to tick a job off of my holiday to do list, scrubbed the tessalated tiles on my front verandah and tidied front garden 👍 winning 😂
Me 44
H 47
3 young adult kids
BD December 2013, left home August 2014
OW 17 years younger

Offline FaithWalkerTopic starter

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Re: Only Time Will Tell
« Reply #33 on: January 07, 2018, 10:46:32 PM »
That is winning, CLG.  I deep cleaned both bathrooms yesterday, but didn't get much done today.
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9711.0

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Online CanLetGo

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Re: Only Time Will Tell
« Reply #34 on: January 08, 2018, 06:11:42 AM »
Good to have a balance between getting things done & having chill out days! Glad you had an easy day 😊
Me 44
H 47
3 young adult kids
BD December 2013, left home August 2014
OW 17 years younger

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: Only Time Will Tell
« Reply #35 on: January 08, 2018, 01:39:08 PM »
Attaching... catching up
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline anchor

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Re: Only Time Will Tell
« Reply #36 on: January 08, 2018, 03:12:14 PM »
me too, attaching.

Fine poem indeed Faith. Time is a gift hey. And the poem describes it beautifully.
Time is so much more than a linear yesterday, today, tomorrow.
I was so focused on time, being dumped into the land of mlc. In the beginning - and dont laugh - when Darkness moved elsewhere ( I didnt know where and we had 3 young children) and he said he needed some time and space and he would be back soon, I wrote down a timeschedule. A plan for him to return. With a week by week getting-used-to- eachother again-plan.
Man I never thought it would crack me up, but that is just insane isnt it. And I did it. Thank God I never shared it with him.

Anyhow, in time I've learned, we discover a whole new dimension of ourselves. It's like you suddenly find yourself in a 3d or 4th or 5th dimension, one that goed beyond history and the future. It's more like a wholeness, and feeling connected to the whole, within ánd without. Something like that.

Sorry about that, you were talking cruises. And bathroom tiles. Which need cleaning in my house too.
Does anyone have advice on how to get white waterstains off black tiles? And please don't say vinegar, cause that stinks!

O and I am sorry to hear about your rabbit Faith. I understand. I went to the vet last Summer with my rabbit, hoping to just get some medication for him and I had to put him down. And I felt so freeking alone too. Then my D8 and me went to the woods and we put him in her most favorite jumper and buried him and put lots of beautiful shiny stones and marbles on his grave. Peace to all the cute and funny bunny rabbits!

BD - august 2013
(Early) Return - August 2014
Left again - May 2015

"I have a strong feeling that one day the fog will lift and all I'll see will be the remains of what was once my beloved family"

Offline moc

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Re: Only Time Will Tell
« Reply #37 on: January 08, 2018, 08:46:31 PM »
Faith: I just want to say thank you for all you do for us here on HS.  I know I have read on your sitch but focused in on this tonight from our tag line

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in

AND

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."


I truly needed that to help me today.  Bless you for being above all of this MLC and guiding us along.  Even if you don't know you are doing it.


~ avoiding the Damn Foolish Idealistic Narcissistic Crusade ~ MLC

~ MLCers: one fruitcake short of a Christmas

Offline FaithWalkerTopic starter

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Re: Only Time Will Tell
« Reply #38 on: January 08, 2018, 09:21:27 PM »
Hey moc, I just added those both to my tagline today.  The author I was reading used the first one in the context of anger, but I think anger itself isn't always bad.  I decided to change it to bitterness, because that's when you let anger change and disfigure you.  I loved her context of using it in the form of a container!

Her friend quoted the second quote to her and I loved that.  I wasn't sure how or if I should add who said the quote first, as the author may have been quoting another as well.  I think there is at least one other that has a similar quote in her tagline, and I have always loved it, but it really did hit me very hard today.

Anyway, you are very perceptive!

I wish I could say that I am above all this MLC, but maybe you see something that I don't.   :)

Absolutely my goal is to not become bitter.  I don't want to be dark and twisty!  I want my inner light to shine forth, and I'm slowly getting back my passion for life.  My MIL gave me a lighthouse as a gift for Christmas, and it was again, so fitting, just like her gift last year.  The lighthouse is by Thomas Kincade and is titled "Beacon of Hope."  I love that.

I'm so happy to be a container for hope, and joy, and love.  And to pass on anything that I am learning, as it is very much a learning curve for me too.

What I notice, is that I am very much less emotionally stirred, when I take the focus back off MLCer.  My morning routine consists of some devotions, reading a chapter from my current book, and journaling a quick prayer for MLCer.  Then I try to take one or two things I read and meditate on them throughout the day.  It helps!

M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9711.0

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline FaithWalkerTopic starter

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Re: Only Time Will Tell
« Reply #39 on: January 08, 2018, 09:22:29 PM »

Journaling:

Tomorrow is back to life, back to reality.  The kids aren't ready, but I think it will be good to get back into our regular routine.  I had a follow-up visit with my doctor today and she is impressed with how well I am doing and how positive I am.  I didn't lose any weight since October, but I'm hoping that I will be able to do some weight releasing in the New Year.  Going to have to change my tactics a bit, since this weight is just determined to stay on.  Oh the joys of getting older and having a slow metabolism.  I got S17 a fitbit for Christmas and he loves it.  I'm thinking about trying to get mine back up and running so we can motivate each other.  It was a gift from MLCer our last Christmas together 2 years ago, and I think it still works, but I left it in a hot vehicle when I was out paddle boarding Summer of '16 and it bubbled up on the band and was pretty ugly looking.  I can't remember if it also had charging issues or not, but I ended up taking it off and never put it back on again.

I do feel a shift, a change in my thinking/emotions and a bit of anticipation to get this year into full swing.  Lots of positives are coming up in this year, but I will be prepared for any downshifts and just take them on the chin (things such as bunnies dying, financial difficulties, vehicle problems, etc.)  I do realize that a lot of my emotions tend to shift about a week before my cycle, so I'm trying to be prepared for that.  I've been tracking that, and it very much plays a part.  I'm more monkey braining, emotional, wallower when I am pre-menstrual, and realizing this trend will help me embrace it as temporary I think, and will bounce back quickly.

These next 6 months are the last with my S17 and his Senior year, so that is where a lot of my focus will be.

I still feel a bit in limbo, but not nearly as much as before.  Even though I have no intention of dating, I do feel a shift in truly realizing that this gift of time that Old Pilot speaks of in his welcoming speech, is truly that, a gift.  I will treat it that way and see where it gets me.  Going to spend time coming getting back to the crux of who FW is and making sure that I have a strong idea.
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9711.0

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Only Time Will Tell
« Reply #40 on: January 09, 2018, 08:24:24 AM »
Hi Faith--I think I lost you for a while, but all caught up now. I love your idea about not wanting to become bitter. That is something I have been thinking about the past few months myself. I think if we are at least cognizant of this, then we are doing well. ;)

You definitely are the lighthouse. I can see that in what you write on others' as well as your own thread.

Doing great.  ;D
Me 46
H 45
S11
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo.

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: Only Time Will Tell
« Reply #41 on: January 09, 2018, 10:16:08 AM »
I love reading your thread FW. I am like a hurricane in all this mess and you are this soothing, calming voice. You have all the same feelings and emotions I have but you are so calm and collected about it.  I always feel a little bit calmer and more focused when I am finished reading your words.

Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline FaithWalkerTopic starter

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Re: Only Time Will Tell
« Reply #42 on: January 09, 2018, 07:27:43 PM »
Hey there KIT and DF, glad to have you aboard!

Sometimes being so calm scares me.  Sometimes I wonder if calm is boring, and if H wanted me to fight more for him.  Then I remember...MLC.  Even before coming here and knowing what I know now about MLC, it seems that the good Lord always lead me right where I needed to be.

A few days after BD, I found this article from Peaceful Wife, and started reading all her stuff and it really helped!  The advice on that article is very similar, but from a more Biblical perspective.

https://peacefulwife.com/2014/11/24/when-your-husband-says-im-done-2/

There were a few times when I did beg and plead, but I was usually able to center myself fairly quickly after realizing that it wasn't getting me very far and making me look pathetic.

Last night I was lying in bed thinking and trying to remember when the last time was that I cried, I mean, besides last week over the death of the rabbit.  I couldn't remember when it was, and usually I have a bit of daily leaking.  It's not all out sobbing or anything like that, just that the tears seem to leak out unbidden.  Most of the time is in the car on the way to work and then usually a bit in the time of night right before sleep comes.  I know I had tears before Christmas over that time-period of BD, with triggers, but I truly cannot remember exactly when I cried over him last.

Then I thought of a memory from BD season and that's all it seems that I have to do, and it's like, "oh hello tears, there you are."  But...I switched my brain right away from those thoughts and blinked the tears right off.  I think it's getting easier!

Sometimes I have little mental talks with myself.  Kind of a mental shake.  Like, "FW, where is your faith?  You cannot doubt God and His promises that He's got this so just give it to Him and everything will be okay, because what HE has planned for you is so much greater than anything you want or can imagine."

Slowly, the assurance comes back. 

Another shift that has happened is that I feel better equipped now to post on other's threads, and I do so desire to pass on what keeps being revealed to me.  I still think of myself as new to this, even though BD was 2 years ago and I've been here for 17-18 months.  But I see what the older board members have been saying about wanting to pay it forward.  For a while there, it was hard for me to visit newer threads, as it brought my own BD back to me.  Now, it's not so painful.  What I struggle with now is that I am sometimes shocked and angry for them at what they have to endure!

Okay, so here are my little snippets from today.  This morning was a devotional by Max Lucado called Anxious For Nothing.

What you have in Christ is greater than anything you don't have in life.  You have God, who is crazy about you, and the forces of Heaven to monitor and protect you.  You have the living presence of Jesus within you.  In Christ you have everything.

And my meme that came up from 2 years ago today on my FB memories was:
Never lose hope.  You never know what tomorrow may bring.

Journaling:

Today we got a new student, a 4th grader.  He's a bit of a handful, but I love his quirky personality.  He's got some habits that we need to work on breaking, but overall, he seems pretty easy going.  He was really offended a couple times when we had a couple of our behavioral students lash out at us.  And he is very food oriented.  I guess he didn't always know when his next meal was going to be when he was younger, so now he has an issue with food.  I could immediately see this when I took him to lunch and had to gently tell him that he needed to wait until he was sat down in the cafeteria and not standing in line to eat his food, as while he waited his turn at the fruit and veggie bar, he started shoveling his food in.   :'(

Later, I had to take one of my kindergartner's by the hand in from recess as he was shoving kids onto the ground and he refused to take a time out, then started hitting me with his coat.  Inside he continued to yell and scream at me and the teacher both, but finally we were able to get him to DE-escalate.

This morning I was in a 3rd grade classroom as the kids were telling the teacher about their Christmas break.  Each of them got a turn to share and the teacher asked them to rate how they felt about their break from 1-5.  My heart broke a couple times as I listened to them share.  1 boy said his was a 1 because he didn't get to see his Dad over the break because instead of spending time with him, his Dad decided to get drunk and then drive, and got arrested, and his mom told him that she had to wait to hear from the courts before he got to see his Dad again.

The other boy that rated his break a 1 said that his parents were getting a divorce and they were fighting and he had to go stay at his Aunt's.  Then he came home the next day and his 3 dogs got into a fight, and one of them was so aggressive to the others, that he bit through the ones leg clear to the bone.  He had to go with his Dad to take them to the vet and they had to put the aggressive dog to sleep as he was cited as being possibly aggressive to children next.

After work, I stopped by the local feed store and picked up dog food for my pooch and some Timothy Hay for D15's rabbit.  We've been anxiously checking on her twice a day after the death of S12's bunny.

When I got home, I got a call from the school as the 4 of us sat at dinner.  I put it on speaker phone and it was an absence notification for S17.  He grinned at me sheepishly as he told me truthfully that he ditched a class today for the first time ever.  His new schedule started today and he has a free period right before lunch and he came home and slept.  He has decided to drop the class right after lunch for several reasons, but did not get in to see his counselor today to do it.  Technically, he could have graduated already, as all he needed for graduation was two half credits, which he got last semester.  But he's continuing to take classes and await his May graduation.  I might have played it wrong, but I did not make a huge deal out of his ditching.  I gave him a stern look and let my voice get a bit shrill, and told him that he has to go to see his counselor tomorrow and drop the class, and that he cannot ditch that class again if he fails to get it dropped right away.  He said that I was clear, and there will be no punishment, unless he ditches it again.  A few seconds later, the phone rings again and I can see that it is the school again, the automated number.  I put it on speaker phone again as the 3 listened in.  It started to say, a student in your household in grade 10, named D15 was absent...so then she got the Mom stare down as S17 laughed.  Apparently she got marked absent from her advisory class but she said that when she and everyone else tried to go, the door was locked and it was dark inside.  They did not wait around, because they knew that their advisor had been in Texas over break and they thought she must've not been there that day.  So she must have showed up late, after D15 walked away, and apparently hung out elsewhere in the school.  Well, my kids have had a fabulous start to the new year!  LOL.  I stared pointedly at S12 and asked if I was going to get another phone call in a few minutes regarding him.  He said that I may get a tardy notice from him as he forgot over break what his locker combination was and it took him a while to get into his locker this morning before class.  He has a locker for his saxophone and another for his school stuff and over the 2 1/2 week break, apparently he forgot both combinations.  Sheesh.

So far, I have not gotten an automated call about S12 though.  I'm not super concerned about S17 and D15.  They are really great kids and haven't given me much cause for concern.  If it becomes a pattern though, then that will be a whole different ball game.


M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9711.0

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline Shocked

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Re: Only Time Will Tell
« Reply #43 on: January 10, 2018, 01:59:43 PM »
Hi, FW
Just checking on you, the two year bd Anniversary and the rabbit! Lots of emotional stuff to handle!!! Btw I decide my word for 2018 inspired by you is Faith. I must have faith in there is a reason and that there is a process. Sending a hug my Cyber friend!!!🤗
I care🤗
H 51
W 58
M 22 Years
2 AD both married from my first M
BD 12/15 moved out-in replay, vanisher, MOW in Atlanta
D 2/17

Offline FearNot

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Re: Only Time Will Tell
« Reply #44 on: January 10, 2018, 02:24:46 PM »
Attaching FW!

The poem you posted at the beginning of the thread... well I needed that today and I think that's the reason I ended up on your thread today! I'm glad you had shared it. I also have printed of the peaceful wife link that you shared. Your strength, grace and faith is amazing!
M 46
H 39
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline FaithWalkerTopic starter

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Re: Only Time Will Tell
« Reply #45 on: January 10, 2018, 07:34:43 PM »
Hey Shocked!  Lovely that Faith is your 2018 word!  I hope that you are doing well in your new city!  I will be there overnight on the 3rd of February, weather depending, but it's for a wedding.  Is your cell # still the same or has it changed?  I am going to Church and to lunch the next day with my SIL, so I'm not sure if we would be able to meet up this trip or not, but, if not, there WILL be other opportunities.  The wedding is at 2 on the 3rd, so maybe there would be some time later on that evening.  I will be attending the wedding alone, so I'm sure that if the reception drags on into the evening with dancing and stuff, I might want to sneak away anyway!

FN, welcome to my thread!  I'm glad that the poem helped you!
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9711.0

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline FaithWalkerTopic starter

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Re: Only Time Will Tell
« Reply #46 on: January 10, 2018, 08:50:51 PM »
Today's tidbits courtesy of Streams in the Desert devotional...

Beloved, whenever you are doubtful as to your course, submit your judgment absolutely to the Spirit of God, and ask Him to shut against you every door but the right one.  Say, "Blessed Spirit, I cast on Thee the entire responsibility of closing against my steps any and every course which is not of God.  Let me hear Thy voice behind me whenever I turn to the right hand or the left."

In the meanwhile, continue along the path which you have been already treading.  Abide in the calling in which you are called, unless you are clearly told to do something else.  The Spirit of Jesus waits to be to you, O pilgrim, what He was to Paul.  Only be careful to obey His least prohibition; and where, after believing prayer, there are no apparent hindrances, go forward with enlarged heart.  Do not be surprised if the answer comes in closed doors.  But when doors are shut right and left, an open road is sure to lead to Troas.  There Luke awaits, and visions will point the way, where vast opportunities stand open, and faithful friends are waiting.


Today's song courtesy of Petra, going back to the 80's
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DMbZbABlKqk

Journaling:
S12 and D15 left tonight for their time with their F.  I texted him as I was leaving the house to pick up extra kids to double check that he was still good with giving extra kids rides home after youth group and he confirmed, saying he was just getting ready to text me to check and see who he'd be picking up.  I came back home and S17 and I hung out.  He's decided that he needs some more music, so he used a portion of his paycheck to have me download some songs onto my Itunes.  The bonus is that I get to enjoy them too, well, if I actually like the ones he downloaded.  He does have an eclectic mix, and there were a few songs from my era in there as well, ones that I didn't already have.

He was tired so he went to bed early.  Today was my early day off work, so I took a nap when I got home.  I wasn't intending to, but it just happened.
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9711.0

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline moc

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Re: Only Time Will Tell
« Reply #47 on: January 10, 2018, 10:15:37 PM »
Faith: great to hear you can share in your S17 music selections.  I get that sometimes too with my S15 as there are SOME things I do like that he listens to.  S15 and I are big music lovers and been collecting vinyl records for the past 2yr now.  He is my "mini-me".  Ha ha ha.  I have gotten him into alot of music that he just loves now.

Wonderful devotional you shared.  I know I tend to question when doors are not opened for me the reason why.  However, not too much of a country music fan, I do love the Garth Brooks song "Unanswered Prayers" and try to remember those things that were not meant to be.

Your S17 must be like my S15 with being tired.  Growing up is hard to do.  I used to think when his brothers were that age they were just lazy and slept alot.  It took me a few years to realize that the teenager truly needs that recharge.  Well that and S15 weekends are friends houses gaming all night.  Might have something to do with it.

Sorry to run aground on your thread.  Always love to see what your write.  Always inspirational.
~ avoiding the Damn Foolish Idealistic Narcissistic Crusade ~ MLC

~ MLCers: one fruitcake short of a Christmas

Online CanLetGo

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Re: Only Time Will Tell
« Reply #48 on: January 11, 2018, 06:18:57 AM »
Cheeky teenagers with those messages from the school, gotta love teenagers and their antics don’t you 😊

Thanks for the Petra link, loved it, you’ve taken me back to my teenage years too, big smile on my face right now 😊

Edit: inspired me! Currently playing Michael W Smith’s ‘friends’ on Spotify...singing along, dog thinks I’m nuts!!!
« Last Edit: January 11, 2018, 06:34:53 AM by CanLetGo »
Me 44
H 47
3 young adult kids
BD December 2013, left home August 2014
OW 17 years younger

Offline FaithWalkerTopic starter

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Re: Only Time Will Tell
« Reply #49 on: January 11, 2018, 08:39:27 PM »
CLG, one of my good friend's and I sang Michael's "Friends" as a duet on our last Sunday at Church before we graduated from High School.   :)
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9711.0

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline FaithWalkerTopic starter

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Re: Only Time Will Tell
« Reply #50 on: January 11, 2018, 09:28:13 PM »
So today I would like to share an article from my email inbox called Hope-Now:  How Do You Deal With The Awful Reminders?

Overcoming reminders remains a CORNERSTONE to the recovery process

Back in the mid-eighties, I had a business fail.  I guess that's not unusual in the world of business, but it was new to me.  In fact when I went down, I went down big.  I lost just about everything as I desperately tried to save the business.  I spent our savings, our retirement, even borrowed money, all in an attempt to hold out until the market turned.

The only problem was, the market never turned so we ran smack dab into financial ruin.

It was so bad, that as a family of five, we actually qualified for food stamps.  You might be able to go lower than we did, but that's about as low as I ever want to go. Thankfully, God was faithful and met our needs and took us in a new direction.  As usual, he was able to take the worst thing that ever happened to us, and make it the best.

Now you may be wondering why I'm sharing this story, or what this has to do with surviving an affair, but I have discovered that almost every crisis has stinging parallels.  How we respond has little to do with the type of crisis, but rather the particular impact of the crisis that we have to deal with and process.  I assure you, there are few things that impact life quite like infidelity, but financial ruin has a few similarities.  After careful reflection, the pain of infidelity is unmatched in its long term effects and reoccurring hurt, pain and trauma.

Emotional Flooding
From my financial crisis I began to notice some interesting responses, hopefully you can relate to them as you are dealing with betrayal.  Every time I encountered a reminder of my business, I experienced an emotional firestorm.  Each time I drove by a location where I had worked I would emotionally flood.  If I ran into someone with whom I had previously had dealing, I became overwhelmed with palatable feelings of dread, insecurity and paralyzing anxiety (and I'm normally emotionally constipated.)

There seemed to be reminders everywhere and I continually had to battle my emotions just to barely be able to function in regular life responsibilities.

Itemizing the Losses
The trauma experienced by a couple upon the revelation of a betrayal is no small matter and it creates an emotional firestorm that has to be dealt with by both parties in order to eventually recover.  To be sure, the initial stage of recovery is about grieving.  For the hurt spouse the pain of the many losses is in no uncertain terms, overwhelming.  Oddly enough, identifying the losses can be a tool to actually work through them and diffuse their impact upon both the betrayed spouse as well as the unfaithful spouse.

Take for example the list below of practical losses a betrayed spouse feels:

     *The loss of self-confidence
     *The loss of the life they thought they had
     *The loss of their dreams
     *The loss of security
     *The loss of their belief about who their mate was
     *The loss of the future which seemed so certain
     *The loss of innocence
     *The loss of reputation

And...the list goes on and on and on.

It's pivotal that losses are identified and grieved.  These stages of both loss and grief, simply stated, cannot be avoided.  There will be anger, bargaining, and depression, but ultimately if the right help is utilized and acquired, there comes a point where we find meaning and acceptance in what has occurred.

The act of grieving does not however resolve the issue of reminders.

But How Do You Do It?
How does one move beyond the trauma and possibly back into relationship after an appropriate amount of time?

Long after affairs have ceased and if the betrayer is an addict and had to pursue and hopefully achieve sobriety from sexual addiction, the battle of the thought life and the impact of raw trauma sets in.  In many ways, dealing with betrayal is the struggle that will determine how quickly (or if at all) a couple will be able to recover from an affair.  Each party has to make a conscious decision at some point along the way to either live in a past hurtful event or to recommit to the marriage and focus on what can be.

That decision is even more difficult than it sounds because it's not just a matter of a choice, but rather it is a battle that has to be fought by the will, often for a period of months (usually about 18 to 24 months).  This journey of recovery and transformation takes a great deal of motivation to be willing to engage in this daily battle of surviving an affair.  If however, the betraying spouse is still not safe, as I've said before, forgiveness may be found, but not reconciliation.  While forgiveness is a must and is a gift we give ourselves, the time may not be right for reconciliation, or even the initial pursuit for such reconciliation.

Tangible Occurrences
For each partner there can be multiple daily reminders of the catastrophic events.  For the betrayed it can be a name, the arrival of a cell phone or visa bill, ads for a topless club, certain songs, crass TV show remarks, or a betrayal being portrayed in a T.V. show or movie.  Even a sighting of a couple seemingly having a good time can be enough to send the hurt spouse down memory lane, which can easily lead to a painful remembrance and emotional meltdown.  For the unfaithful spouse though, life is also filled with these reminders.  Each time their mate says they want to talk, coming home at night wondering what type of mood their mate may be in, computers, recovery groups, counseling, and many other things can all serve as reminders which cause the betrayer to flood mentally and emotionally.

It is at this point that the battle in the theater of the mind begins.  The greatest distance known to mankind is the 18 inches between the head and the heart.  In fact, it takes up to 7 years for truth to move from our head to our heart, but for some strange reason it only takes a lie about 3 seconds to travel the same distance.  Maybe that's because we seem to fall at 32 feet per second (the speed gravity), but it takes a great deal of energy and resolve to move uphill.  At some point as you're dealing with betrayal, each party has to come to the point where they choose to focus on something other than the betrayal, and to decide that it is not this event(s), that will define or control the rest of their life.  There has to be a conscious choice to move beyond the carnage and truly recover from the affair; to see what is possible in the future.

Leaving The Old, Pursuing The New
Restoration is never about going back to what 'was' as what 'was' is now, sadly enough, gone.  True restoration is about the possibility of something new, and though seemingly incomprehensible right now, the fact is, a saved marriage is, absolutely possible.  I can introduce you to many who will testify that their post-affair marriage is actually better than their marriage was pre-affair.  Our invitation to you and your spouse is the glory of a restored marriage which will take effort, struggle, expertise, and tangible grace.  However, it will prove more than worth it should both parties remain committed to the process.  Trust me, recovery is a process.  More than likely your situation didn't develop overnight and will not be fixed overnight, yet there is a hope that transcends the very heartache and hopelessness you may be facing now.

If you are the unfaithful spouse, you might find it useful to both you and your spouse, to list out 40 reminders that your mate could have on any given day which could send them down the path to their personal house of torment.  Your understanding of their struggle and sharing of that insight, might just go a long way in helping your spouse to heal.  If you are the hurt spouse and you believe your mate is becoming a safe person and has moved into recovery, then choosing to no longer be a victim of painful reminders would be an excellent step toward health.  When possible, be willing to fight the battle by attempting to focus on what is good and pure and noble rather than focusing on the failure.  Counterintuitive to what we may feel about life, as we walk out our own recovery, we can find meaning in the suffering we are faced with, allowing that suffering to provide a richness to life and a redefining of life we never knew existed.
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9711.0

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Online Treasur

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Re: Only Time Will Tell
« Reply #51 on: January 11, 2018, 09:52:26 PM »
The point about head to heart vs heart to head really struck me, Faith...and why it feels like such a mental battle for LBS sometimes as we restore our life if not our M.
BD - Oct 15, mostly silent vanishing husband, diagnosed with severe depression in Dec 15 & seeing psychiatrist/on ADs since then
OW since Apr 16, maybe earlier?
H filed Jan 17.
80/20 strategy for me in 2018

"her soul is fierce, her heart is brave, her mind is strong." R.H Sin
Grace is...Elegance, good will, unearned blessings, a prayer of thanks and how to address a duchess.
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Clara 12

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Re: Only Time Will Tell
« Reply #52 on: January 12, 2018, 09:44:47 AM »
attaching Faithwalker.

Read your threads and you show such calmness despite everything that has happened.

X
Married - 1995
BD1 - March 2016 - ILYBINILWY
BD2 - Jan 2017 - Left
BD3 - May 2017 - OW discovered

Offline FearNot

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Re: Only Time Will Tell
« Reply #53 on: January 12, 2018, 10:20:52 AM »
What a gift you have for writing!! Thanks so much for sharing. I too find the head to heart thing really interesting and insightful!!!
M 46
H 39
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline No expectations

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  • One day at a time. And time is my friend.
Re: Only Time Will Tell
« Reply #54 on: January 12, 2018, 11:01:25 AM »
Faith,

That really resonates with me. Thank you for sharing.
Married 10 1/2 years, together 17.  BD 9/2016, 2nd BD 10/16.  H moved out 10/16.  2 AS's from my first M.  Me 55, H 49.  OW 23.

"And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through; how you managed to survive.  You won't even be sure if the storm is really over.  But one thing is certain; when you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person that walked in...that's what this storm is all about."

"The trick is to enjoy life.  Don't wish away your days, waiting for better ones."

Online CanLetGo

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Re: Only Time Will Tell
« Reply #55 on: January 12, 2018, 10:41:30 PM »
CLG, one of my good friend's and I sang Michael's "Friends" as a duet on our last Sunday at Church before we graduated from High School.   :)

That would have been beautiful 😊

Hope now have some good articles 😊
Me 44
H 47
3 young adult kids
BD December 2013, left home August 2014
OW 17 years younger

Offline FaithWalkerTopic starter

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Re: Only Time Will Tell
« Reply #56 on: January 13, 2018, 01:10:52 PM »
Well, oops.

So...a while back I changed MLCers name in my phone contacts.  Nothing bad, really.  I put his first name, and then his middle name is one of the books of the Bible.  I added that, with a scripture reference (19:6), and it was a reminder of what I believe, an encouragement for me, and a reminder to pray for him every time I see it.

Yesterday I had to forward an email from S12's school that he needed to see because it has to do with a Saturday that he has S12 and S12 wants to participate at his school that day.  Well, somehow the forward didn't get attached, just my notes about the forward, so when he came to get the kids last night after school, he pulled up the email to show me that my forward didn't attach, and to my surprise, the email has the "special name" I had for him.  I didn't know it would do that!  I thought it was something only I could see.  Oops.  So I've changed it now, for future correspondence, but I'm curious if he will look up that scripture verse.  I had just caught a glimpse of the two/from columns before he hid it from view, lol.

The verse was:
"So they are no longer two, but one flesh.
Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate."

I attached the forward and re-sent it and he showed me the new email, only this time I did see for sure that it emails that way.  So after I sent that 2nd email, I changed it back to just his name.  I mumbled, "oops, I didn't know that it would send that scripture with it," and he didn't say anything.
« Last Edit: January 13, 2018, 01:12:20 PM by FaithWalker »
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9711.0

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline MCSINME

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Re: Only Time Will Tell
« Reply #57 on: January 13, 2018, 02:43:25 PM »
FW:
That's a beautiful verse, and so appropriate.
I'm not surprised that he didn't comment; but sure he read it and seed planted!
I love that idea and may love to do the same.
Will do some praying and figure out appropriate verse for H.
M56
H57 - Live-in MLC
Met 1984
Married 1990
MLC Began after major move 12/2016
BD#1 EA 5/17 Found by accident, denial, lying
BD#2 EA/PA 11/17 Found by accident, still Denial and lying.  Currently at least one ow (39)

S16, S19, S22

"but those who have hope in the LORD will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint"  Isiah 40:31

Offline FearNot

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Re: Only Time Will Tell
« Reply #58 on: January 13, 2018, 05:15:25 PM »
FW,

I think that's awesome that the email showed that! Everything happens for a reason, sometimes God doesn't reveal his plan to us!
M 46
H 39
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline FaithWalkerTopic starter

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Re: Only Time Will Tell
« Reply #59 on: January 13, 2018, 06:48:01 PM »
FW:
That's a beautiful verse, and so appropriate.
I'm not surprised that he didn't comment; but sure he read it and seed planted!
I love that idea and may love to do the same.
Will do some praying and figure out appropriate verse for H.

Can't wait to hear what verse you're given!

FW,

I think that's awesome that the email showed that! Everything happens for a reason, sometimes God doesn't reveal his plan to us!

I just didn't want him to think I was preaching to him or manipulated the situation.  I was so surprised that it showed up that way on his side!  You're right, God doesn't reveal his plans sometimes.

Journaling:

Last night after MLCer picked up the kids (he's had them since W, but they come home with S17 after school every day and then he picks them up after he gets off work), I went to my SIL's and we did some freezer cooking.  I came up with 3 recipes and she came up with 3, we make two of everything and then trade.  She also made a bonus recipe, so I came home last night with 4 crockpot meals and 3 freezer-to-oven meals.  She got her hot tub fixed, so after we spent all evening prepping, I'd brought my suit and we slipped into the hot tub with some individual bottles of pink champagne moscato she had leftover from New Year's.

My mom came over this morning for a little bit.  She brought me some pot roast as she cooked a big one and couldn't eat it all herself.  And she made a really delicious looking pie.  I took a slice out and put it in a container in the fridge for after lunch tomorrow.  I figured since the kids are gone until tomorrow night, that's all I needed.  She was going to take the rest to my B's family. 

Today I had my book club and realized that I hadn't finished my book, so I did some speed reading.  Finished about 30 minutes before the book club.  Met my book club for dinner and I think 2/7 of us actually finished the book, lol.  We had some good conversation for a couple hours and decided on our next book.  We just read Happier at Home by Gretchen Rubin.  I thought it was interesting that she quotes from John Gottman's book, The Relationship Cure.
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9711.0

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline FaithWalkerTopic starter

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Re: Only Time Will Tell
« Reply #60 on: January 13, 2018, 11:16:04 PM »
Hey you.  Yes you.  I just want to say, You're not alone!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8FXLo3aCkuQ
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9711.0

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline No expectations

  • MLCer Type: Clinging Boomerang
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  • One day at a time. And time is my friend.
Re: Only Time Will Tell
« Reply #61 on: January 14, 2018, 07:22:30 AM »
What a beautiful song.  Thanks for sharing, Faith.   ;)
Married 10 1/2 years, together 17.  BD 9/2016, 2nd BD 10/16.  H moved out 10/16.  2 AS's from my first M.  Me 55, H 49.  OW 23.

"And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through; how you managed to survive.  You won't even be sure if the storm is really over.  But one thing is certain; when you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person that walked in...that's what this storm is all about."

"The trick is to enjoy life.  Don't wish away your days, waiting for better ones."

Offline moc

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Re: Only Time Will Tell
« Reply #62 on: January 14, 2018, 10:27:07 AM »
Faith: thank you for sharing the song.  It is very inspirational. 

I loved that you tagged your MLCer with the scripture.  I might have to think about that if you don't mind me stealing your idea.  A hot tub!  It is really cold here in the midwest and would love a hot tub right about now as I am freakin cold.

Have a fabulous day.
~ avoiding the Damn Foolish Idealistic Narcissistic Crusade ~ MLC

~ MLCers: one fruitcake short of a Christmas

Offline FearNot

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Re: Only Time Will Tell
« Reply #63 on: January 14, 2018, 10:37:21 AM »
Awesome song! I've added it to my playlist! Thanks for all the suggestions! Thanks for sharing :)
M 46
H 39
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline FaithWalkerTopic starter

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Re: Only Time Will Tell
« Reply #64 on: January 14, 2018, 08:42:37 PM »
You are so very welcome NoEx, moc, FN.  I love that song and felt I should share.

I have my kiddos back with me.  I put in a freezer meal and we ate and watched some tv together.  We are off school tomorrow since it's MLK Jr. Day.

The kids said that MLCer took them to Church today.  Not our Church, but a different one.  It is a sister Church to the one I was attending for years before BD, a sister Church to the one where my brother is a Marriage and Family Pastor, that H barely attended with me because he didn't really like the Pastor.  I found it interesting that he went to that one.

I'm just thrilled he took them to Church!
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9711.0

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline MCSINME

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Re: Only Time Will Tell
« Reply #65 on: January 14, 2018, 08:47:45 PM »
FW:
I also loved the song...

It's amazing that your MLCer took the kids to church!
What a great thing.
My MLCer hasn't been to church but once in the last year, and only had bad things to say about the church.  It wasn't as "good" as the one we attended at our old state (prior to MLC).  He stopped wearing his cross necklace, which he NEVER took off previously.  I'm sure he feels so guilty in the eyes of God that he can't even think about turning toward Him.
I'm very happy for you, and hope that the faith continues.
Prayers and love,
MCS
M56
H57 - Live-in MLC
Met 1984
Married 1990
MLC Began after major move 12/2016
BD#1 EA 5/17 Found by accident, denial, lying
BD#2 EA/PA 11/17 Found by accident, still Denial and lying.  Currently at least one ow (39)

S16, S19, S22

"but those who have hope in the LORD will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint"  Isiah 40:31

Offline moc

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Re: Only Time Will Tell
« Reply #66 on: January 14, 2018, 09:56:52 PM »
 wonderful that your husband took the kids to church. I started going to church about a month ago in a town fairly close to mine. I really like it it's down to earth and I hope that s11 will start going with me. Crisis Queen has already stated she doesn't want to go. Just fine by me it doesn't have to be my home church but as long as she goes to one with me eventually I would be happy. The one I go to now is non-denominational. At this point I really don't care as long as we go to church together as a family eventually. I've always longed for that and we've always talked about that as a family but she never took any of the rains. So as a spiritual leader of the household, I am supposed to do that. I was given a vision a few months ago of a hawk. When I was on a walk with God, he showed me a hawk that came and swoop down in front of me. I looked it up on the internet and it is to show me that I need to take leadership within the spiritual Realm.
~ avoiding the Damn Foolish Idealistic Narcissistic Crusade ~ MLC

~ MLCers: one fruitcake short of a Christmas

Online Treasur

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Re: Only Time Will Tell
« Reply #67 on: January 14, 2018, 11:32:31 PM »
Church sounds like a positive thing. My STBXH was an active churchgoer, to the point of thinking about becoming a vicar....post-BD he said he felt God didn't exist and that God was angry with him. ow doesn't seem like a church-going girl LOL...no idea if STBXH is still avoiding church or not but it would possibly be a positive sign of MLC progress if he went back.
BD - Oct 15, mostly silent vanishing husband, diagnosed with severe depression in Dec 15 & seeing psychiatrist/on ADs since then
OW since Apr 16, maybe earlier?
H filed Jan 17.
80/20 strategy for me in 2018

"her soul is fierce, her heart is brave, her mind is strong." R.H Sin
Grace is...Elegance, good will, unearned blessings, a prayer of thanks and how to address a duchess.
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline FaithWalkerTopic starter

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Re: Only Time Will Tell
« Reply #68 on: January 14, 2018, 11:53:40 PM »
S12 came and told me that MLCer went last week also.  So two Sunday's in a row is really great.  We've been praying for him so much.

Which reminds me of another song that I heard again recently.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7-x1lEPeV6Y
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9711.0

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline Upintheair

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Re: Only Time Will Tell
« Reply #69 on: January 15, 2018, 12:11:40 AM »
FaithWalker,
It looks like a good sign indeed. I am following you if you don't mind.
Upintheair
"Attachment is the great fabricator of illusions; reality can be attained only by someone who is detached."
Simone Weil
Bd: 03-2015

Offline FaithWalkerTopic starter

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Re: Only Time Will Tell
« Reply #70 on: January 15, 2018, 12:17:24 AM »
Welcome upintheair.  Of course I don't mind.   :)
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9711.0

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline Never say never

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Re: Only Time Will Tell
« Reply #71 on: January 15, 2018, 08:00:36 AM »
FW, of course, following along, but rather slow ... like MLC ;D ;D ;D

The fact that your husband went to church two weeks in a row is so amazing.  Thanks for sharing the songs with us ... thanks for being you.  You are such a sweet, kind, compassionate loving person, God is watching and I really mean that.  We all need to trust in God more than we do and we will be rewarded.

Here's hoping for only good news.

(((HUGS)))

Offline FaithWalkerTopic starter

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Re: Only Time Will Tell
« Reply #72 on: January 15, 2018, 11:56:26 AM »
Hi NSN!  Glad to have you back around a bit here and there.
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9711.0

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline heroIam

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Re: Only Time Will Tell
« Reply #73 on: January 15, 2018, 12:33:10 PM »
Hi FW.
Thank you for the songs!
You are always in my thoughts and prayers.
“In the end, you’ve got to be your own hero because everyone’s busy trying to save themselves.”

Offline FaithWalkerTopic starter

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Re: Only Time Will Tell
« Reply #74 on: January 15, 2018, 12:39:16 PM »
Hey hero! *waves*

You're welcome!

You are always in my thoughts and prayers.

Thank you.
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9711.0

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: Only Time Will Tell
« Reply #75 on: January 17, 2018, 04:52:48 AM »
Catching up after 2 weeks of winter holiday in Germany
Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 10
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
No legal action to date

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline FaithWalkerTopic starter

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Re: Only Time Will Tell
« Reply #76 on: January 17, 2018, 09:46:27 PM »
Hey Ursa!  Glad to have you on board.  Thrilled that you got winter holiday!

Journaling:

Today was a long one.  We had QBS certification at work today, and it's an 8 hour course split into 2 days.  The last 4 hours (2nd day) will be two weeks from today, then I will be certified for a year.

I'm fighting off something, as yesterday I woke up without much of a voice.  But my co-workers son got into a car wreck and she was put on 48 hour concussion watch with him, so I toughed it out and came in to work, since I wasn't running a fever.  But I was pretty miserable.

This morning I was better, and not worse, so I'm leaning towards it being either a run of the mill head cold/virus or the start of a sinus infection, so I will be good and get out the neti bottle and do my sinus rinses.  Apple cider vinegar/hot water/honey is my go-to this week for morning drink.  Soothing to the throat and seems to have some sort of wonder-boost to it, even though the taste is acquired.

Our community is currently rocked with a terrible thing that happened.  One of our students cousins lost their mother, who was murdered by their father after she came home and told him she wanted a divorce.  Now the cousins are without both parents and moving in with our student.  I have some mutual FB friends who were friends with the couple and are just in complete shock.

Last night, we had a water main break in the neighborhood and we got a pounding on our door at 8pm.  I was a little afraid to open it because of the pounding, but they were in a hurry and had to tell the whole complex, so I understood, but when I heard it, I was freaked out a little bit.  Anyway, they said that we would probably be without water until morning, which is not fun when your place runs on hot water heat.  Thankfully, it wasn't too bad and we survived, even though I told the boys NOT to flush the toilets and follow the old adage "if it's yellow, let it mellow...if it's brown flush it down - but only one time because once you do, there is no more water in the tank!" and they forgot and flushed the yellow, lol.  Thankfully, no one had any major situations before morning, ha!  I gave the kids the option of sleeping on the sectional in front of the fireplace heater and the boys chose that option, but D15 and I slept in our beds.  I was cozy in my extra warm throw blanket that the kids bought me for Christmas underneath my regular covers, and the cat came and cuddled on top of me, so it was manageable.  About 5 am I heard the water rushing through the walls and it was heated up and we had shower water (and toilet flush water - yay!) by the time the kids got up to get ready for school.  Man, are we spoiled in our corners of the world.  We had a good talk about the amenities that we have and take for granted.

Lately, D15 hasn't been ready when S12 is in the mornings, so I've been coming back to get her, since she doesn't have to be at school until 30 minutes after S12.  My SIL thinks I should make her be ready and go with us, but it's kind of nice to have each kid alone in the car.  That is when we get some one-on-one time to share a bit from our hearts with each other, and it really isn't too far out of the way to come back and get her.  I know as a teenage girl, she appreciates the extra 20 minutes to get ready in the morning.  I would've when I was that age!

S17 has been finally getting a lot of hours at work the last few weeks.  At first he wasn't getting very many hours, but they have had him come do 2 different trainings, so he is able to offer more now, and he has proven himself to be very reliable.  He is usually at least 10-15 minutes early to work and has never had to call out.  Thankfully, his schedule has changed at school since we've come back from Winter break and he gets a couple of free periods before and after lunch, so he comes home mid-morning and doesn't have to go back until around 1pm.  Having a gap in the middle of the day helps me because he is still at school when the other two get done so they can catch a ride home with him.

S12 has the opportunity in February to participate in a Solo Ensemble, so he has been practicing hard to be ready for that.  I guess we have to hire an accompaniest (sp) for part of it.  He says he's struggling a little bit with the work load, as he is now in Concert Band and Jazz Band, but he doesn't want to quit, just wanted to tell me that sometimes it's hard, and he has a couple other classes where he is struggling a bit with the work load.  We talked about support and I asked if there was anything that I could do to help support him more at home.  They have given him 3 major homework assignments, however, they are all done on the computer, and he can't seem to get the website to work properly so until his teacher helps him to problem solve, there isn't much he can do, which adds to his frustration level.  Sometimes technology is a pain, I tell ya.

Yesterday, I had to get ahold of MLCer because S12 left his laptop charging chord at his house on Sunday and it won't be until next Wednesday that he goes back, so yesterday I reached out and texted him during the lunch hour to ask if he would be home after work for S12 and I to stop by and get it.  We briefly stopped by and while I waited in the entry for S12 to get his things, MLCer called the big kitty to come out and see me, because I had asked about how she was doing when I was over Sunday.  I hadn't seen her since she moved back over with him.  She came out and let me give her a little bit of love, so I know she hasn't forgotten me as she hisses at anyone else that comes around, other than the kids and I.  One thing I realized after watching her for him for those months was that he definitely still views me differently than other people.  If other people (friends/family) had kept the cat for 2 months for him, he would have really voiced his appreciation for their sacrifice and would have acknowledged it with a gift or something.  I had asked him if in return he would help me hang the one mirror that I needed help to hang, as it is kind of a difficult piece to figure out how to hang.  He said he would, but that was late August and by the time that he got the cat, he had probably forgotten all about that one request.  I just shrugged it off, I knew it was a shot in the dark anyway.  I don't really have any major feeling's about that exchange either way, as I knew taking on the cat would be something that I did out of love but wanted to put my thoughts down here on the whole thing.  I don't think they realize that they do this, sort of a taking for granted thing.  Just an indication of where they might be at in the tunnel, is all, I think.

So, a bit of a long-winded update.  Bless you if you actually managed to read that without falling asleep!   ;D
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9711.0

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Online Whyus

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Re: Only Time Will Tell
« Reply #77 on: January 17, 2018, 10:24:48 PM »
Still awake...  ;D

So sorry about the aweful incedent in your neighbourhood, those poor Kids...
About your MLCer attending church, what a great sign (I am not religious, W is/was), she hasnt attended for years and now has "HELL" and some numbers on her new licence plate.

Your H seems to be doing really well since moving back.
They take us for granted for sure but although it can really piss me off ist probably a sign that they trust us and know that we are there if needed! I dont know if that is a good or bad Thing atm.. probably a Little of both.
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 44
W: 44
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28. Trainings partner. Still together
2 Sons - 18 & 19
2 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Filed
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0
T10. http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9547.0

Offline FaithWalkerTopic starter

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Re: Only Time Will Tell
« Reply #78 on: January 17, 2018, 10:35:53 PM »
Hey Whyus! 

she hasnt attended for years and now has "HELL" and some numbers on her new licence plate.

Oh my!  They really change, don't they?

They take us for granted for sure but although it can really piss me off ist probably a sign that they trust us and know that we are there if needed! I dont know if that is a good or bad Thing atm.. probably a Little of both.

That's probably true.  I think part of it means that they still view us as partners in some strange way.  I don't know if it's good or bad either!

One of the things that really hurt and made me so sad was that back in Fall 2015 I heard him talking to an older lady who was involved with his hobby over the phone and he was very sweet to her.  When he hung up I said, "you don't talk to the kids and I that way."  We all do it, to an extent.  Take for granted our loved ones.

Your H seems to be doing really well since moving back.

It could be much worse, couldn't it?  I know he joined POF, but so far there hasn't been even a hint of yet another woman, and he's been keeping a pretty low profile, other than trying to build his new business repertoire.  The things his mom has been posting makes me think that there has been a bit of "thinky" time from him, and then add the two Church going Sunday's, and...well...no expectations, but again...it could be so much worse.
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9711.0

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Online CanLetGo

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Re: Only Time Will Tell
« Reply #79 on: January 18, 2018, 05:14:33 AM »
Your writing could never put me to sleep, always interesting & well written F 😊

Sorry for the children that had that awful loss, incredibly sad 😢
Me 44
H 47
3 young adult kids
BD December 2013, left home August 2014
OW 17 years younger

Offline FaithWalkerTopic starter

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Re: Only Time Will Tell
« Reply #80 on: January 19, 2018, 04:23:57 PM »
Thank you CLG.

It's felt like a bit of a long week.  I'm glad that it's the weekend now.  Every Friday we now take the kids to the pool where their adaptive P.E. staff meets us and we do swimming lessons with them.  I managed to squeeze everything in that needed to get done before we left, but after rushing around and then being active in the pool with the kids, I'm exhausted. 

S17 is working and D15 has a sleepover at her cousin's house for her cousin's birthday, so it's just S12 and I tonight.

They are still having trouble with the water in the Phase II neighborhood, so early this morning I heard them out there shutting off our water yet again.  S17 was upset when he couldn't shower this morning.  Thankfully, they had it on again by the time they got home from school, so he was able to shower before work, so he was happy again.  I'm thinking I better stock up on some bottled water this weekend, just to have around just in case we have any more incidents.  Thankfully, we had enough in our Britta pitcher and in the Keurig to have our before school water and coffee, lol.

I showered and shampooed at the pool, just in case the water was still off when I got home. 

Not much planned for this weekend.  Going to pay bills, clean, and make my next grocery order.  I'm loving the free grocery pickup lately, it has knocked an hour and a half off of my time spent at the grocery store.  I'll probably take D15 out for some more driving practice after Church on Sunday.

Last night, a couple of ladies from Church picked me up and took me to a new Bible Study with them.  It's on Priscilla Shirer's "Discerning The Voice of God."  I'll have some homework to do in the workbook this next week, and will catch a ride with them again next Thursday.
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9711.0

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline MCSINME

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Re: Only Time Will Tell
« Reply #81 on: January 20, 2018, 04:15:58 PM »
FW:
Trying to catch up after I've been off for awhile.
Sounds like things are going fairly well.
Glad you're having some time individually with the kids.
Important...

Keeping  you in my thoughts and prayers.
M56
H57 - Live-in MLC
Met 1984
Married 1990
MLC Began after major move 12/2016
BD#1 EA 5/17 Found by accident, denial, lying
BD#2 EA/PA 11/17 Found by accident, still Denial and lying.  Currently at least one ow (39)

S16, S19, S22

"but those who have hope in the LORD will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint"  Isiah 40:31

Offline FaithWalkerTopic starter

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Re: Only Time Will Tell
« Reply #82 on: January 20, 2018, 08:37:16 PM »
Thank you MCS!
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9711.0

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline MyBrainIsBroken

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Re: Only Time Will Tell
« Reply #83 on: January 20, 2018, 10:08:10 PM »
Good luck with the driving practice. That's always exciting! ;)

Offline FaithWalkerTopic starter

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Re: Only Time Will Tell
« Reply #84 on: January 20, 2018, 10:52:35 PM »
Thanks Brain!
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9711.0

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline No expectations

  • MLCer Type: Clinging Boomerang
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Re: Only Time Will Tell
« Reply #85 on: January 21, 2018, 07:59:58 AM »
Faith,

I'm so sorry for those poor kids.  How horrible for them.

Other than that, your update sounds really good.   Glad to hear xh is attending church.  Sounds like more movement is happening.
Married 10 1/2 years, together 17.  BD 9/2016, 2nd BD 10/16.  H moved out 10/16.  2 AS's from my first M.  Me 55, H 49.  OW 23.

"And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through; how you managed to survive.  You won't even be sure if the storm is really over.  But one thing is certain; when you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person that walked in...that's what this storm is all about."

"The trick is to enjoy life.  Don't wish away your days, waiting for better ones."

Offline Clara 12

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Re: Only Time Will Tell
« Reply #86 on: January 21, 2018, 01:20:57 PM »
Your updates are not boring at all, I am also still wide awake! Hope you had a nice weekend.

Though isn't it? to have no expectations while longing for something that might indicate a reconnect or the end of the tunnel.

X
Married - 1995
BD1 - March 2016 - ILYBINILWY
BD2 - Jan 2017 - Left
BD3 - May 2017 - OW discovered

Offline FaithWalkerTopic starter

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Re: Only Time Will Tell
« Reply #87 on: January 21, 2018, 03:47:43 PM »
Hey NoEx and Clara! 

Yes, Clara, it is tough, but if being patient means that there are less obstacles to overcome later, than I guess it's better this way.

Well, we finally got some snow.  We have barely had anything so it's about time.  We made it to Church still, and then I went to pick up my grocery order afterwards, but D15 and I have not been out driving yet.  I think she might be a bit nervous about the snow.

Our silly little Lucy cat has been acting very odd today.  At first I thought it was because of the weather.  She's an indoor cat, so the snow shouldn't affect her, but I thought maybe she could sense the snow in the air or something, but now...I think she may be in heat, actually.  I guess it's time to get her spayed?

S12 is on a LOTR/Hobbit kick, so I've not seen much productivity out of him this weekend.  He barely moved except to go to Church.  Sometimes those laid back weekends are nice I guess.
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9711.0

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline MCSINME

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Re: Only Time Will Tell
« Reply #88 on: January 21, 2018, 04:12:36 PM »
FW:
Good to follow you again.
Sounds like a nice, relaxing weekend.
Glad everyone got to church.
Glad that D is cautious of the snow.
My S(16) is as well, and getting his license in the next two weeks.
He plays computer games, which drives H crazy, but I think that's his escape from having to deal with monster Dad.
Have a lovely evening, and enjoy the snow.
We've gotten about 2 feet in Maine.

MCS
M56
H57 - Live-in MLC
Met 1984
Married 1990
MLC Began after major move 12/2016
BD#1 EA 5/17 Found by accident, denial, lying
BD#2 EA/PA 11/17 Found by accident, still Denial and lying.  Currently at least one ow (39)

S16, S19, S22

"but those who have hope in the LORD will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint"  Isiah 40:31

Offline FaithWalkerTopic starter

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Re: Only Time Will Tell
« Reply #89 on: January 21, 2018, 06:54:21 PM »
Hey there MCS, sounds like a pretty typical teenage boy.  Mine are both into the video games.

D15 has only driven 3 times, and the snow had us all feeling like being cozy today.  We will get out and do some practice another day.  In an empty parking lot if it's snowy because she does need that practice eventually.
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9711.0

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline MyBrainIsBroken

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Re: Only Time Will Tell
« Reply #90 on: January 21, 2018, 07:32:57 PM »
I would be happy to send you some of our snow.  :)

Make sure you tell your daughter that if she always expects the other driver will do something stupid she'll often be right and she'll rarely be surprised.

Offline FaithWalkerTopic starter

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Re: Only Time Will Tell
« Reply #91 on: January 21, 2018, 07:41:38 PM »
Brain, we do need more snow.  Enough for a snow day from school, please!  I'm hoping that even if we don't get a ton here, that the mountains will get a ton, so that we don't have a dry, wild fire summer here.

I will definitely tell D15 that!
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9711.0

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline MyBrainIsBroken

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Re: Only Time Will Tell
« Reply #92 on: January 21, 2018, 08:42:49 PM »
Tomorrow is our first day of classes. A snow day would be wonderful but it isn't going to happen.

After I'm done tomorrow there will only be 74 more class days until summer break! :)

I hope you get the snow you need to prevent the wild fire summer.

Offline FaithWalkerTopic starter

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Re: Only Time Will Tell
« Reply #93 on: January 21, 2018, 10:28:39 PM »
I doubt we will get a snow day either.  It's cold and icy out there, but no more snow falling now.

Looks like we have 79 school days left, with a few days here and there and a week of Spring break in between.  The longest month will be April.  Of course, that will change for me if I get a different job.  Then I will just have to count down the days until I get vacation time, instead of Summer break.
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9711.0

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."


 

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