Author Topic: My Story HOPE, FAITH AND MUCH NEEDED KNOWLEDGE  (Read 1738 times)

Offline hope2018Topic starter

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My Story HOPE, FAITH AND MUCH NEEDED KNOWLEDGE
« on: January 09, 2018, 03:53:02 PM »
This is my story: My husband asked me if I would buy him clothes like I buy our son (Ralph Lauren).  I started purchasing in July 2015 and didn't think anything of it.  Was this the start of his MLC?  In March of 2016 I showed my husband a billboard a friend purchased for his spouse's 50th birthday. He made it clear that he would be mad if I did that or even had a party for him.  In August of 2016 he started exercising, running and taking a lot of vitamins.  September 2016 he told me he was not happy with his life (and us) expected to be farther in life.  We talked about purchasing a new home and he had wanted to buy a "toy" (vehicle).  We started spending more time with each other going to concerts, out for dinner and just doing everything together.  We laughed everyday and our sex life increased. I though life was great.  I did notice changes in him, not shaving, dressing casual, exercising, lightened his hair during the summer, lost weight, changed to country music, changed eating habits, and he said he cant sleep anymore. (We tried many things to get him to sleep but it did not improve.) I also look back at red flags that I was unsure what was going on- now I know.  September 2017 "he cares for me but is not in love with me."  I was devastated!  I fell in love all over again and he was my best friend!  How could this happen and I not have a clue.  He moved out the same day.  We went to counseling but I stopped that after 6 sessions as she was not helping but giving him approval to go get a divorce.  He agreed he would wait till after the holidays.  As of today, he has not said anymore and I keep buying time. 

Since moving out he would go to the bar every Friday night and on Dec 17 he told my daughter he has stopped drinking.  I notice that he goes out but it has decreased.  She also told him his use of twitter is unappropriated - he stopped using that too.  Still has Instagram and snapchat which he got since in MLC.  He is not having an affair, but I did notice an increase in viewing exercising women half clothed on social media.

I do not contact him unless it is necessary, He acknowledged that I am giving him space.  He told me before our separation that I was not happy with myself- he was right.   I have lost 40 lbs since Sept 2017 and am feeling great about myself.  I am not MAD at him because I understand he is gong through a tough time.  I am hurt and scared but I keep with a positive attitude and take care of me and the kids who both live at home.

My husband lost his father 8 years ago and I don't think he has dealt with this.  Last year the song "My Old Man" by the Zac Brown Band came out and whenever that came on the radio he would turn it off.  On November 2017 I purchased ornaments for a memory tree in memory of his dad and he said it was a sad event.  How can I help him with this?  My husband went to visit his mother for Christmas 2017 since he had not spent time with her on Christmas since his dad's death.  (She spends time in the winter in California)  He had been talking about this for over a year and I didn't like the idea but when he told me in October he was doing this I told him "Good for you, you have been wanting to do this"  I don't think that was the reply he was expecting.  Before he flew out that day he brought the mail tome at my work.  This is the first time stopping at my work since he moved out.  He has to drive past our home for him to go to his mom's house (where he is living) and usually drops off the mail then.  My work was out of his way.  I feel he needed to see me before he flew out.  Was this a touch and go?

He returned from California on December 27th and has been coming around more.  Since moving out he has brought food to the house, dinner, baked goods, - he loves to cook and I have see that increase. He is always pleasant with me using thank you.  I have caught him in lies but just ignore them.  I compliment him when given a chance to.  What else should I be doing or not doing?

Where do you think he is on the stages?  Could he be on the end of replay? Has he been in Replay since August of 2016?  Why can he on some days have eye contact with me and other days none?

I appreciate any help so I can continue to move forward and do what is best for all of us.  I love this man and will keep standing!


Offline OldPilot

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Re: HOPE, FAITH AND MUCH NEEDED KNOWLEDGE
« Reply #1 on: January 09, 2018, 04:01:23 PM »
Welcome to the Board

You are in a good place.
Your H/W  is on his/her own journey.
You can not do anything to control this trip.
Come here and read or vent, we will listen.
Give your H/W space  he/she needs to heal himself/herself.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Your need to start working on you.
There is nothing that you can do to help your H/W.

He/She has given you a gift.
It is time!!

Use the time wisely to make yourself a better person.
Look in the mirror to see what it is that you can improve.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
GAL.

Read some books on depression. Both for yourself! And for H/W.
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

Read the resources from this site.
The links that are in my signature.

Detach. - The single most important thing you can do

The detach link and HB's 6 stages of MLC(rewritten from Jim Conway) located in the resources above.

Developing Detachment
http://jamesjmessina.com/toolsforcontrolissues/developdetachment.html

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/self-focus_releasers_detach.html

http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

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Offline Anjae

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Re: HOPE, FAITH AND MUCH NEEDED KNOWLEDGE
« Reply #2 on: January 09, 2018, 04:48:09 PM »
Hi and welcome, Hope.

My husband asked me if I would buy him clothes like I buy our son (Ralph Lauren).  I started purchasing in July 2015 and didn't think anything of it.  Was this the start of his MLC?

It could had been. Even if, usually, a crisis starts before we see any signs of it.

Could he be on the end of replay? Has he been in Replay since August of 2016?  Why can he on some days have eye contact with me and other days none?

It is hard to know since when has your husband been in Replay. If he asked you to buy him clothes like your son's ones Summer 2015, it is more likely that was already Replay.

Your husband could be nearing the end of Replay, or it could be just a out of fog phase. It will only be possible to know in hindsight.

The change in eye contact may be connected with the depression that comes with MLC.

I think you have been doing everything right and that there may not be much more you can do.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Gigielle

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Re: HOPE, FAITH AND MUCH NEEDED KNOWLEDGE
« Reply #3 on: January 09, 2018, 04:55:44 PM »
Hope,

I'm so sorry you're here.  BUT. If you are forced to be going through this, this forum is the place you want to be.  It has helped with my sanity time and time again. 

There's a lot about your story that reminds me of mine- they are different, but have similar traits. As far as where your husband is in this crisis, I have found that I really can't tell for sure until I look back a month or so AFTER a stage has ended, and another has begun, and even then, they kind of melt into one another, so you'll still see fragments of a past stage in the current stage (this has been my personal experience, not sure that it rings true for anyone else)... Replay is the LONGEST of all the stages.

  I have found that journaling the crisis every day has helped me kind of make my own "road map" my H's journey.  Because we have to put our emotions on hold, I tend to keep my journaling very factual and dated.  List the things he does/says/acts, etc., to use as a reference point. 

I keep a separate personal journal with emotions.  So basically, one is for my own "research" and one is to address my feelings.  That's probably overkill, but I also print out every article I read that has pertinent information, highlight & make notes and document everything... but I'm a psychobabble nerd. ;)  I have found for me at least, a natural control freak, that it has helped me to not only know how to deal with the current stage, but to be prepared as to what may come. 

Again, so sorry that you're here, but honestly, you couldn't have landed in a better place.  You'll be well taken care of.

Gigi

M: 42
H: 41
D: 17 S: 16 - both ours
Married 09.19.98 (19 years)
DB #1: 08.18.17-EA (ended)
DB #2: 09.23.17-ILYBNILWY
Still at Home-Never Left

My Previous Thread:
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9452.0

*"This is the year I will be stronger, braver, kinder, unstoppable and this year, I will be fierce."

*The pain that you've been feeling, can't compare to the joy that's coming." -Romans 8.18

Offline hope2018Topic starter

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Re: HOPE, FAITH AND MUCH NEEDED KNOWLEDGE
« Reply #4 on: January 09, 2018, 06:49:41 PM »
Gigi-

I also keep a list of factual items dates and what happened that day.  I am usually a person of control and I have been just going with the flow; releasing all control and trying not to have expectations- that is hard!

So is my husband having a mild case of MLC since he isn't having an affair, isn't spewing at me.....?  If so, does that help with the reconciliation, if he chooses?

Thanks for the support!

Offline Mybeautifulfamily

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Re: HOPE, FAITH AND MUCH NEEDED KNOWLEDGE
« Reply #5 on: January 09, 2018, 06:53:46 PM »
This is my story: My husband asked me if I would buy him clothes like I buy our son (Ralph Lauren).  I started purchasing in July 2015 and didn't think anything of it.  Was this the start of his MLC?  In March of 2016 I showed my husband a billboard a friend purchased for his spouse's 50th birthday. He made it clear that he would be mad if I did that or even had a party for him.  In August of 2016 he started exercising, running and taking a lot of vitamins.  September 2016 he told me he was not happy with his life (and us) expected to be farther in life.  We talked about purchasing a new home and he had wanted to buy a "toy" (vehicle).  We started spending more time with each other going to concerts, out for dinner and just doing everything together.  We laughed everyday and our sex life increased. I though life was great.  I did notice changes in him, not shaving, dressing casual, exercising, lightened his hair during the summer, lost weight, changed to country music, changed eating habits, and he said he cant sleep anymore. (We tried many things to get him to sleep but it did not improve.) I also look back at red flags that I was unsure what was going on- now I know.  September 2017 "he cares for me but is not in love with me."  I was devastated!  I fell in love all over again and he was my best friend!  How could this happen and I not have a clue.  He moved out the same day.  We went to counseling but I stopped that after 6 sessions as she was not helping but giving him approval to go get a divorce.  He agreed he would wait till after the holidays.  As of today, he has not said anymore and I keep buying time. 

Since moving out he would go to the bar every Friday night and on Dec 17 he told my daughter he has stopped drinking.  I notice that he goes out but it has decreased.  She also told him his use of twitter is unappropriated - he stopped using that too.  Still has Instagram and snapchat which he got since in MLC.  He is not having an affair, but I did notice an increase in viewing exercising women half clothed on social media.

I do not contact him unless it is necessary, He acknowledged that I am giving him space.  He told me before our separation that I was not happy with myself- he was right.   I have lost 40 lbs since Sept 2017 and am feeling great about myself.  I am not MAD at him because I understand he is gong through a tough time.  I am hurt and scared but I keep with a positive attitude and take care of me and the kids who both live at home.

My husband lost his father 8 years ago and I don't think he has dealt with this.  Last year the song "My Old Man" by the Zac Brown Band came out and whenever that came on the radio he would turn it off.  On November 2017 I purchased ornaments for a memory tree in memory of his dad and he said it was a sad event.  How can I help him with this?  My husband went to visit his mother for Christmas 2017 since he had not spent time with her on Christmas since his dad's death.  (She spends time in the winter in California)  He had been talking about this for over a year and I didn't like the idea but when he told me in October he was doing this I told him "Good for you, you have been wanting to do this"  I don't think that was the reply he was expecting.  Before he flew out that day he brought the mail tome at my work.  This is the first time stopping at my work since he moved out.  He has to drive past our home for him to go to his mom's house (where he is living) and usually drops off the mail then.  My work was out of his way.  I feel he needed to see me before he flew out.  Was this a touch and go?

He returned from California on December 27th and has been coming around more.  Since moving out he has brought food to the house, dinner, baked goods, - he loves to cook and I have see that increase. He is always pleasant with me using thank you.  I have caught him in lies but just ignore them.  I compliment him when given a chance to.  What else should I be doing or not doing?

Where do you think he is on the stages?  Could he be on the end of replay? Has he been in Replay since August of 2016?  Why can he on some days have eye contact with me and other days none?

I appreciate any help so I can continue to move forward and do what is best for all of us.  I love this man and will keep standing!

Yep and yep. The tight clothes working out tanning sun-in on hair Snapchat what's app women are eye-firetrucking him. The list is endless. I don't know how or when this will end. It is so so ugly and unpredictable. It's like he has a split personality. It is sad and maddening and life will never be the same.

Offline hope2018Topic starter

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Re: HOPE, FAITH AND MUCH NEEDED KNOWLEDGE
« Reply #6 on: January 09, 2018, 07:06:14 PM »
Thank you for the post.  Have others had a spouse in MLC that is not acting out at their LBS?  You stated he could have been in replay in 2015 would I have seen more of a drastic change or do they start replay out slow and then make a lot of changes at once?

On New Years Eve we ended up at the same concert.  I hung out with the ladies from his group and just gave him his space that evening.  He saw me out dancing and having a great time,  Normally, I would not have gone out dancing more reserved and self conscious.  I felt great that night and didn't think twice about what anyone thought of me :)  I am almost positive I caught him watching me having fun.  When I was going to leave after 12:30 am I put my hand on his shoulder and said Happy New Year.  He said HNY and be safe.  I said I am heading home thanks! Did I do this right?  I have another event coming up that we will both be at and want to make sure I handle myself right.

On January 1, 2018 he told me I needed to sweep the water out of the garage from the snow, he went out and did it for me.  Is this another touch n go?

My husband speaks with my D23 a lot.  Will he withdraw from her?  I cant see him doing that.

What about my husband giving my daughter money to buy me a birthday gift end November and again for Christmas.  Does he still care or is it from guilt?

Thanks!

« Last Edit: January 09, 2018, 07:19:56 PM by hope2018 »

Offline Gigielle

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Re: HOPE, FAITH AND MUCH NEEDED KNOWLEDGE
« Reply #7 on: January 10, 2018, 05:08:11 AM »
Gigi-

I also keep a list of factual items dates and what happened that day.  I am usually a person of control and I have been just going with the flow; releasing all control and trying not to have expectations- that is hard!

So is my husband having a mild case of MLC since he isn't having an affair, isn't spewing at me.....?  If so, does that help with the reconciliation, if he chooses?

Thanks for the support!

It is totally hard!  I've had to let go of the control of mine as well- harder as he has never left the home, so I see him every single day.  I'm going to private message you.  We live in neighboring states! I'm in Missouri. 
M: 42
H: 41
D: 17 S: 16 - both ours
Married 09.19.98 (19 years)
DB #1: 08.18.17-EA (ended)
DB #2: 09.23.17-ILYBNILWY
Still at Home-Never Left

My Previous Thread:
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9452.0

*"This is the year I will be stronger, braver, kinder, unstoppable and this year, I will be fierce."

*The pain that you've been feeling, can't compare to the joy that's coming." -Romans 8.18

Offline Thunder

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Re: HOPE, FAITH AND MUCH NEEDED KNOWLEDGE
« Reply #8 on: January 10, 2018, 05:55:48 AM »
Welcome Hope,

I just want to say, there is no mild case of MLC.  There are just different types.

My was very mild compared to others, no Monstering and was quite decent to me, but he was still in his own little world.  He just kind of checked out emotionally.
These are called Low-Energy MLCer's.  They can have just as much chaos and confusion as the High Energy MLCers, but they don't act out as much.

I don't think his starting to wear different clothes was replay.  They all start changing months and months before their crisis really starts and they go into replay.
Replay can last 2 years or more, so I don't think he is coming out of it, I'm sorry.

Try not to stage watch.  It's hard I know, we all did it.  Just accept he is in a crisis and only he can fix himself.
He'll come out of this when he comes out of this.

Just do what ever to need to, to get your focus off him and on to you.
Do things that make you happy.  See your friends and spend time with your family.  He'll be MIA for awhile.
Maybe find things you have been putting off doing.  A trip, or join a club/group.  Go out dancing.  What ever you like to do.  It won't make a bit of difference with his crisis, so you may as well enjoy this time you have.

I'm sorry you have to go through this.  It's the hardest thing, I think, any of us have had to go through.
Even losing my parents didn't compare to the pain. 

Take good care of Hope. 
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline OldPilot

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Re: HOPE, FAITH AND MUCH NEEDED KNOWLEDGE
« Reply #9 on: January 10, 2018, 06:02:26 AM »
Replay can last 2 years or more, so I don't think he is coming out of it, I'm sorry.
I totally agree with Thunder and just want to add - read 2 years or more, could mean he never comes out of it.
2 years is not a guarantee just more of a minimum.

With Low energy my thoughts are that replay is not as crazy but the TIME factor is longer as it takes longer to work through the crisis, again no guarantees.

 

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