Author Topic: My Story HOPE, FAITH AND MUCH NEEDED KNOWLEDGE  (Read 1739 times)

Offline OldPilot

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My Story Re: HOPE, FAITH AND MUCH NEEDED KNOWLEDGE
« Reply #30 on: January 10, 2018, 06:23:59 PM »
I agree with Thunder - best thing to do right this minute is NOTHING.

You can decide later whether to be limited contact or no contact.

When we do nothing and sit back and wait for answers to reveal themselves, you will be surprised how often that works out that way.

Offline hope2018Topic starter

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Re: HOPE, FAITH AND MUCH NEEDED KNOWLEDGE
« Reply #31 on: January 11, 2018, 11:42:54 AM »
So my H did not show up last night to talk but sent a text about sharing an attorney.  I know you say they flip flop a lot but I don't feel like he is.  How can he think he is not hurting the kids and me.  I know they have no empathy and its all about THEM!  I am so scared and just need to know what to do.  He had been coming and going as he wishes to the house and now that I changed the access code to the house he cant.  I am searching for a good attorney but have been told that his attorney is GOOD.  I feel like I am so defeated already!  I know I can drag my feet but as you have said this Replay stage may last longer than 2 years (In 17 mos).  Any guidance will be appreciated on what I should do at this point.

I have been told to get a legal separation please tell me why? 

Thank you everyone for helping me! Hugs to all of you!
« Last Edit: January 11, 2018, 11:50:13 AM by hope2018 »

Offline OldPilot

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Re: HOPE, FAITH AND MUCH NEEDED KNOWLEDGE
« Reply #32 on: January 11, 2018, 12:22:24 PM »
I have been told to get a legal separation please tell me why? 
The idea is to protect yourself as best as possible.

A legal separation (if it is available in your state) may help you to do that legally, it also becomes the basis for a divorce should that come to pass.

I am sorry to hear he has a good attorney - find someone that is good to represent you.

Offline Thunder

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Re: HOPE, FAITH AND MUCH NEEDED KNOWLEDGE
« Reply #33 on: January 11, 2018, 12:49:13 PM »
Hope, what ever you do, do NOT use the same lawyer.  A lawyer can only represent one person, the person who retained him.
The lawyer will be looking out for his clients best interest, not yours.

Please get your own lawyer and get information from him/her.  Ask about your rights and what you will need if he files for a divorce.
Ask them what the best way to protect yourself, financially.  If it's a legal separation they will tell you that and explain how to go about it.
 
Usually we let them file for the D.   We do absolutely nothing to help them and tell them this is his divorce and you don't want it so if he wants one he will need to do it himself.
Then let him do it.

But this depends on what your lawyers tells you, about protecting yourself.  I hope you find a good one soon.
Are you real concerned about his spending?  Mine never went crazy with money, but some of them do.  So keep a good eye on all your finances.

Sometimes they talk about it but when it's left up to them to do the dirty work, they only talk about it.  Not always but sometimes.

I'm really sorry.  I know how scary this is.  We'll be here to help you along.  It will be ok.  You'll get through this.
Let us know what you find out.  Remember sign nothing without your lawyer looking at it first.

If he brings up the D again just tell him you're not ready to talk about it yet.  You need a little time.

Big Hug
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline hope2018Topic starter

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Re: HOPE, FAITH AND MUCH NEEDED KNOWLEDGE
« Reply #34 on: January 11, 2018, 04:17:18 PM »
Thank you Thunder!

I will not use his attorney and I plan on dragging my feet!

A question- I was talking to another member and I guess I did not understand Touch N Go.  Can you tell me if you agree that this may be one:

After arriving back on 12/27 from a trip to Cali to spend Christmas with his mom, My H has
12/28 came over to open presents
12/29 dropped off food for us - called in the evening to see where the "kids" bought one of the workout shirts--he knows I bought it
12/30 stopped over and had to make sure he told me that he ended up getting a good deal on the shirts he bought the night before- he knows I am a great shopper and get great deals - like he was wanting acceptance of finding a good deal - normally he doesn't care what things cost.  Called me in the evening to make sure my S19 had black pants for his new job.  - out of character he knows I always take care of this.
12/31 we ended up at the same place for New Years Eve - I saw him watching me having a great time.  Told me to be safe when I was leaving.  Had very little contact with him that evening.
1/1  stopped by and told me I needed to sweep the water out of the garage - he did it for me
1/3 dropped off banana bread
1/4 dropped off toffee he purchased on his trip
1/6 stopped by twice on Sat one to look at my S19 document and then later to drop off cookies and treats
1/7 dropped off a shirt to be exchanged - I did it that day texted him it was here.  He showed up 15 minutes later to PU and also had my S19 download music for him
1/8 D23 asked if he would like to join us for dinner on Friday evening for her birthday- I think it scared him  He offered to make his deep dish homemade pizza for us and grandparents- first mention of my parents
1/9 very polite called me at work and asked about a bill from my sons wisdom teeth surgery - very polite
1/10 called my work to have a meeting with me about moving forward- D

Do you think my D23 asking him to have dinner scared him and that he was doing a touch n go and ran away again?  If not your thoughts on this behavior

Thanks!



Offline Thunder

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Re: HOPE, FAITH AND MUCH NEEDED KNOWLEDGE
« Reply #35 on: January 11, 2018, 05:15:02 PM »
My goodness Hope, you have quite a clinger here.

I never had that so I'm not the right person to ask.

Maybe other with clingers can best answer your questions.
Mine was a Low-Energy Wallower and did not cling much.  He pretty much checked out emotionally.
« Last Edit: January 11, 2018, 05:23:53 PM by Thunder »
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline hope2018Topic starter

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Re: HOPE, FAITH AND MUCH NEEDED KNOWLEDGE
« Reply #36 on: January 11, 2018, 06:01:14 PM »
He is not always like this just this period.  During the week I usually don't see him.  So why this time?  Why mention Divorce after all of that?
« Last Edit: January 11, 2018, 06:13:47 PM by hope2018 »

Offline OldPilot

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Re: HOPE, FAITH AND MUCH NEEDED KNOWLEDGE
« Reply #37 on: January 12, 2018, 01:16:48 AM »
It could just be that he is being nice so that you give him what he wants in the divorce.

MLC'ers like us cycle through ups and downs so it also gould be a few touch and gos.

The most confusion in MLC is at the start and end of the crisis.

So it is also possible that this is also just part of the crisis.
My suggestion is try to take your focus off of him and keep it on yourself.

Learn as much as you can about MLC and relationships.

You might also read about pursuit and distance as that will help you understand some of these dynamics also,

Have you read the Newbie thread in my signature yet and all the links that it takes you to?

Offline hope2018Topic starter

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Re: HOPE, FAITH AND MUCH NEEDED KNOWLEDGE
« Reply #38 on: January 12, 2018, 05:06:40 AM »
I have read the newbie article and I am trying my best.  I just read pursuit and distance. He is certainly the distancer.  My question is when he stops over do I just not engage in conversation?  Do I getup and go to my bedroom and distance myself?  Currently, when he stops over I have been very nice and engage in conversation-Is this wrong?

Last night he posted on snap chat " Choose those who choose you"  Any idea?  He is the one who chose to leave his family.  Maybe this doesn't have anything to do with us?  I find it ironic it is the day before he visits an attorney.


Offline Thunder

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Re: HOPE, FAITH AND MUCH NEEDED KNOWLEDGE
« Reply #39 on: January 12, 2018, 05:14:13 AM »
Hope,

Does he come to the house to visit the kids?  If that's the case then just be cordial and busy yourself doing something.  Let it be about him visiting the kids.

About that quote?  Who the heck knows.  In his crazy world it may not mean anything.
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

 

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