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Author Topic: My Story HOPE, FAITH AND MUCH NEEDED KNOWLEDGE  (Read 888 times)

Online Treasur

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My Story Re: HOPE, FAITH AND MUCH NEEDED KNOWLEDGE
« Reply #40 on: January 12, 2018, 06:44:37 AM »

About that quote?  Who the heck knows.  In his crazy world it may not mean anything.

Another reason for ignoring social media...I think some MLCers do post Sadz or Profoundz...means nothing useful to you at all...and could change within 5 mins   ::)
BD - Oct 15, mostly silent vanishing husband, diagnosed with severe depression in Dec 15 & seeing psychiatrist/on ADs since then
OW since Apr 16, maybe earlier?
H filed Jan 17.
80/20 strategy for me in 2018

"her soul is fierce, her heart is brave, her mind is strong." R.H Sin
Grace is...Elegance, good will, unearned blessings, a prayer of thanks and how to address a duchess.
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline OldPilot

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Re: HOPE, FAITH AND MUCH NEEDED KNOWLEDGE
« Reply #41 on: January 12, 2018, 09:21:07 AM »
My question is when he stops over do I just not engage in conversation?  Do I getup and go to my bedroom and distance myself?  Currently, when he stops over I have been very nice and engage in conversation-Is this wrong?

Last night he posted on snap chat " Choose those who choose you"  Any idea?  He is the one who chose to leave his family.  Maybe this doesn't have anything to do with us?  I find it ironic it is the day before he visits an attorney.
There is no right or wrong only what you choose to do.
If you distance yourself you may find that he pursues you,
if you engage him he may run away.
So what are you comfortable with?

None of this is going to effect his MLC and make it go any faster.
We can only slow it down by not detaching and letting him get on with his own crisis.

I would treat him like you treat anyone else that you see when you are walking down a street, if that makes any sense.

Offline hope2018Topic starter

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Re: HOPE, FAITH AND MUCH NEEDED KNOWLEDGE
« Reply #42 on: January 12, 2018, 06:07:09 PM »
THUNDER

I also have a low energy MLC, He has totally detached emotionally.  Is there a place to read your story or can you tell me where you are on this journey. 

Can a low energy be a clinger on and off?   Since the phone call to me about wanting to talk about divorce he has not dropped the mail off to the house but is calling my S19 to go to his work and pick it up.  Guilt or more detachment?

I also think he is trying to buy the kids from his guilt.  Do MLC do this?


Offline Schratz66

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Re: HOPE, FAITH AND MUCH NEEDED KNOWLEDGE
« Reply #43 on: January 12, 2018, 07:17:24 PM »
Hello Hope,
Just caught up on your thread. I’m sorry I gave a vanisherso I have no advice on the clinger you seem to have. What I do notice is that you are still way too involved in what he does, what it means, am I doing the right thing. Dont get me wrong, I am far from detached myself, but you are just making it harder on you. I would see a lawyer and get advice and protection, but other than that let him do what he wants to do. I’m glad you changed the garage door code so he no longer can come and go as he pleases. Has he noticed that yet?
Also, and veterans please correct me if I’m wrong, but you don’t start counting time until BD and not when they first started to change. I know, no off wants to hear that - I know I didn’t want to hear it.

As far as doing things right or wrong, nothing you do will make him go through this any faster, so don’t worry about right or wrong, worry about what is right for you. Whatever helps you, eases your mind, makes you more at peace - that’s what you do.

The going dim or no contact is entirely up to you- if contact with him just gets you panicked or monkey braining, then try to go no contact and see if that helps.

It’s all about you hope, you just worry about you.

Hugs.
Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline OldPilot

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Re: HOPE, FAITH AND MUCH NEEDED KNOWLEDGE
« Reply #44 on: January 13, 2018, 12:42:56 AM »
Can a low energy be a clinger on and off?   Since the phone call to me about wanting to talk about divorce he has not dropped the mail off to the house but is calling my S19 to go to his work and pick it up.  Guilt or more detachment?

There are other types of contact types

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=1530.0

MLCer Type: Off-n-Ons
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=305.0

Offline Thunder

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Re: HOPE, FAITH AND MUCH NEEDED KNOWLEDGE
« Reply #45 on: January 13, 2018, 02:49:00 AM »
Hope,

It's hard to say if it's guilt or just more detaching from him.

My story started on another site in 2011, but that site was shut down.  I found this site, I think, in 2013.
My dates may be off for some of this.

So my beginning story really isn’t on here.   Sorry.
We were married almost 21 years  (32 together)
My H’s crisis starting in 2011, bd was January 2, so it’s been 7 years now.

He was a very Low-Energy Wallower.
He tried to act High-Energy but it didn’t last.  He didn’t have the energy for it.

He didn’t find an ow, his work was his alienator.  I swear there were weeks he worked 90+ hours.
He felt OLD (he was 46 at the time  ::)). He started frantically working out and did everything he could to feel  younger.  Shaved all his gray hair off, took up running, skateboarding, snowshoeing, biking, tanning, younger clothes and flirting.   He also started buying lotions and creams for his face. 
Complete opposite of what he was.  He WAS a couch potato who looked in the mirror maybe once a day and never flirted with a woman during out whole entire marriage.
 
Yes, he was emotionally checked out.  I could have moved to the other end of the earth and he wouldn’t have cared.  He was never a Monster or mean, just got very self-absorbed and selfish.
There was no clinging.

He moved into the basement and stayed there until I moved out in 2013 and we were divorced about 6 months later.  We never really went NC only once or twice for a week.   We saw each other almost every day, and intimate relations never stopped (with the exception of the 1st 5 months).

I think when I decided to stop having R talks and started being more independent was when he started making positive changes, around the 3rd year.   
The rest is history.

Hope, It's very hard with a Wallower like that because they don't Monster, they treat you decent, so it's confusing and I think keeps your hopes up.  But when mine decided he had to have a D he never waivered.  His mind was made up.
I wish I had not fought it and just let him D me and got it over with.  It would have been easier. But that's just me. 


Edit - Click here to see her story on this board
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?action=profile;area=showposts;sa=topics;u=3146
« Last Edit: January 13, 2018, 05:08:08 AM by OldPilot »
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline hope2018Topic starter

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Re: HOPE, FAITH AND MUCH NEEDED KNOWLEDGE
« Reply #46 on: January 13, 2018, 06:47:54 AM »
Help me out I am a bit confused.  I agree on my H being Low Energy but you use wallower but I see boomerang- Are they two different categories?

Offline OldPilot

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Re: HOPE, FAITH AND MUCH NEEDED KNOWLEDGE
« Reply #47 on: January 13, 2018, 06:55:03 AM »
Help me out I am a bit confused.  I agree on my H being Low Energy but you use wallower but I see boomerang- Are they two different categories?
I personally think he is an off and on.

Remember that depression is present through ALL crisis's, it can be either COVERT or OVERT.

Your husbands depression is more  OVERT(Obvious).

And the type is really only for how they contact you, CONTACT TYPE.

You react no differently in my opinion.

Offline hope2018Topic starter

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Re: HOPE, FAITH AND MUCH NEEDED KNOWLEDGE
« Reply #48 on: January 13, 2018, 07:26:49 AM »
I know he is depressed but nobody else sees it- not even him or he doesn't want to admit it.  Is there anything I can do to get him help?  I think I know the answer -NO  What about his best friend?

Offline OldPilot

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Re: HOPE, FAITH AND MUCH NEEDED KNOWLEDGE
« Reply #49 on: January 13, 2018, 07:28:17 AM »
I know he is depressed but nobody else sees it- not even him or he doesn't want to admit it.  Is there anything I can do to get him help?  I think I know the answer -NO  What about his best friend?
That is why stage one is called DENIAL.

Now you also have to get past your own stage of it.


 

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