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Our Community / Re: Putting All The Pieces Together Again
« Last post by Lioness on Today at 12:13:07 AM »
Thanks TS for visiting! Things are slowly but surely getting there!! Take care!
Our Community / Re: The Road Not Taken VIII
« Last post by Savoir Faire on April 20, 2018, 11:42:35 PM »
Thanks for the update init, so nice to hear a good news story coming out of the once horrible, MLC disaster.

We will all be better in our next relationships, we had a cruel teacher showing us what we were worth and made the most of it all.

Your daughters sound wonderful and hopefully away from their father.  Now that you are settling into your new life, you may find the strength to contact them one day.  I still haven't seen my daughter, although one of the boys dropped in and was pleasant, I just think he doesn't know how to come back and I am  not ready for any more drama until my life is more settled, so I make the choices for me now, rather than being an accommodating fool.

Keep us updated on your life init, it's been quite a roller-coaster ride, hasn't it :)
Our Community / Re: Anyone else have a vanisher? 15
« Last post by Yellowroseoftexas on April 20, 2018, 11:20:14 PM »
Learned not to be afraid (not sure why I was so scared to be without him).  Feel 100% adult. 

Decorated (probably over decorated) my townhouse girly and frilly.  Estrogen overload. 

I'm most proud of holding my family together when I was hurt and wounded beyond belief.  My children saw a strong mother who they could depend on.  A woman that had hell  unleashed upon her and she withstood the storm.  I found God. 

Our Community / Re: Faith in The Good Wolf
« Last post by Treasur on April 20, 2018, 11:12:51 PM »
First of all, thank you all for the love and empathy. It’s an odd place to be after 21 years, as you know. Nothing close to a ‘normal’ divorce, not that I imagined that as part of my life plan either. Today, I’m spending the day at my new allotment. My uncle is coming down to help me build deep beds. The sun is shining still. I don’t know how I feel. Bit numb, bit angry, bit shocked. Mostly numb. So I’ll do digging and clearing and planting instead of feelings today.

UM – I don’t want to jump back into ‘what if’ monkey brain land. Spent too much time there in the last 2 years LOL. I think I might need to let myself really jump into photos and memories at some point to let myself see my own truth…but I’ve avoided it because it was too painful. My head says that I can trust my own judgement but my poor heart, battered by all the inconceivable WTFs, is less certain. I’ll go diamond-digging when I’m ready, when I know I can stay out of the wormhole.

Savvy – yup, these are the cards I’ve been dealt and the line in the sand of divorce does clearly shut down other roads

Thunder – having to still deal with the financial stuff sucks and it was exactly what I didn’t want to happen. It is how UK law works but most Ls recommend getting the financial agreement done first….but y’know MLC divorce right? I have ended up almost exactly where I didn’t want to be – vanished H, no explanation or acknowledgement, divorced with all the financial stuff unresolved and house sale up in the air. But oddly, almost none of this was created by my actions…and a lot of odd things have happened to create this reality. I have a strange sense that God has sent me a postcard, but I don’t know how to read it or what it means yet. The first financial agreement was impossible because my then H just wouldn’t engage with the process so I had to threaten litigation. The second was verbally agreed and then watchgate meant it had to be rewritten. The third was actually signed but a mistake by my L gave XH an opportunity to apply for the Absolute anyway in a tantrum and threaten to throw it out and start again. As I write, I don’t know if the third agreement will stand or I will have to fight for a fourth. Is karma forcing me to take the gloves off and fight? Or is it about something else? Or is the karma aimed at XH? I don’t know but it all feels very odd indeed. Sometimes, when you do everything obvious and sensible, but it just doesn’t work out as it should, it can be those moments when the universe is showing you that it has a better plan and this isn’t it. It will be better when it’s all done. On a positive note, it looks like the buyer is not withdrawing from the house sale so that should be done within a week. Expecting decency from XH?…if he didn’t do it when he was my H, not likely to do it now.

Mitten – I think there is something in divorce being an opportunity to heal. It shuts a door and makes it all real and concrete after a long confusing time. Reconciliation is not an option for me so it does stop the hope and expectation monkeys. And as you say, my H changed…I didn’t, and I do know that I did my best to treat my H with respect and grace. XH though…I have no obligation to that self-obsessed monster man-child at all. It's always been the extraordinary cruelty and lack of even basic humanity I've struggled with, how unnecessary it was to get what he said he wanted and now has...and yet it's the same thing that says this isn't normal and not about me because nothing I've done warranted it. Not sure I'll ever really understand that even if intellectually I get MLC and the need to make me the enemy and the disposal of me the cure.

Morte – ha, ha, the headstone has a certain appeal! Maybe there is a last bit of who my H was for me to ‘bury’ in a way? It really would have been less brutal – and more lucrative – if he had died, to be honest. Isn’t that an awful thought? I suspect I’ve been dead in XH’s head for a long time, the benefit of running away and refusing to see me or the debris of his old life I guess.

Calling – I really appreciate the quote and the piece from Isiah. I guess that rebuilding with precious stones is my job now. And like you, I see nothing worth throwing a party for….particularly for this kind of chaos and insane divorce. I just look around and see the damage for both of us that I couldn’t prevent, all the ripples. I have no idea what XH sees of course and he will probably never tell me.

DF – your word picture of people picking through the debris after a town has been bombed is just how it feels. I’m not yet at rebuilding either, but I’ll start soon and suspect I’ll move quicker now than I’ve been able to do.  I think today it does feel just like the ‘grand safari’ you desscrive, looking out of the window and living where I am. Trying to work out how to bloom where I’m planted now as the saying goes. I hope my next thread will be more about the safari.

Kit – your words about my H loving me still choked me up a bit. Oh, how I would like to believe that! But I’m not sure I can now and I’m not sure it helps me if I do. If that were true, it would just be an even sadder situation for both of us. So, for my healing, I’m going to take his actions at face value. I am worth loving as he did, and I mostly do believe he did and that he has lost as much as me….but I don’t believe he does now. I think his rewrite has erased it and he simply wants me to have never existed so he can erase that part of himself and his life. That is his reality. I’m glad it’s not mine.

Mitz – yes, the sea is very healing for me, always has been. It was a good choice to move here. Like you, I will work now to keep the darkness away and focus on the light.

1T – I know you know this feeling and this place. Your sense of connection with the man who was your H has always resonated with me, it was how it was with us too…until it wasn’t. And like you, I married when I was older and it was not a lightly-made choice. But also like you, this experience has shattered many of my beliefs and perspectives on love and marriage and life. I was proud of the marriage we had, we both were, maybe too proud actually. I can’t know what his divorce means to XH; he’s never said why he wanted it just that it was ‘the only option’. I see what we’ve both lost. I have no idea what he thinks he has gained, but presumably he does. Like you, I suspect being free to marry psycho ow is a big part of it and she has plans. I hope, for his sake because it’s no longer my business, that he finds the wisdom to know that jumping into a second marriage so quickly after such a messy, unresolved end to his first marriage would be foolish. I suspect he won’t, that his new marriage/life is part of the story he needs to tell himself to make sense of his actions. If so, if I was a betting woman, I imagine it will keep in the the crazy tunnel for a while yet and his life will continue to be full of drama and chaos. But hey, psycho watchgirl will get a pretty dress and some new selfies! I’m also confident that his second divorce will be a lot nastier than his first! But yes, my business is how I feel about it, and it does hurt like a mother**ker...but XH has already done his worst now.

So, off to the allotment, but carrying all your love, support and encouragement with me.  :)
Our Community / Re: You're a diamond dear. They can't break you.
« Last post by FaithWalker on April 20, 2018, 11:09:27 PM »
Shine bright like a diamond Kanvan!
Our Community / Re: Who knows?
« Last post by MyBrainIsBroken on April 20, 2018, 10:57:24 PM »
I think your MIL is right about you being a good girl!  :)
Our Community / Re: Putting All The Pieces Together Again
« Last post by TryinSoul on April 20, 2018, 10:45:26 PM »

Thank you for dropping in on my thread the other day.  It’s good to hear from you and see you moving right along.   I am happy you are doing so well with everything.

I will continue to wish you and your family the best and look forward to your next update.

Our Community / Re: Or, roll your eyes and think WTF.
« Last post by FearNot on April 20, 2018, 09:20:57 PM »
Attaching Kitty! Your such an inspiration! Well done and keep on going!
Our Community / Re: Eye On The Prize
« Last post by KeepItTogether on April 20, 2018, 09:01:34 PM »
I also had to look up Vineyard Vines. 

Please report back when he gets a pair of those breaker pants.   ;D

My BIL—Hs sister’s husband wears these. Always has worn them lol.  H calls them a$$hole pants. Will be interesting if he does get a pair. It wouldn’t surprise me tho. I think they’re kinda cute. But. Not for work.
Our Community / Re: Who knows?
« Last post by stillbaffled on April 20, 2018, 08:19:12 PM »
I would love to visit the Gold Coast.  Glad you had such a nice time.

Your MIL sounds as though she is trying very hard to not enable her son.  She doesn't seem to condone his actions.  You are fortunate to have such a good relationship with her. 

Nice update from you, Chookie.
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