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Medusa - I do have to figure out a way to make some of these things happen. That deed is holding me up on so many levels, but I am going to figure out how to live life in spite of it. Whether it is XH or XH's lawyer holding up the works doesn't really matter. I can fight to solve it, but I still need to move forward, somehow.

More precious moments XH is missing. Simple things, yet things I need to not take for granted.

When we would travel, S used to love collect liquid souvenir pens where there was some type of scene in them. He did this for a few years when he was little and then quit. When he went to D.C. on his senior trip he bought a pen. We thought it was kind of cute, because he stopped collecting them when he was about 12. The pen from his senior trip broke at some point.

S was out the door for work before D even opened one eye. He had taken a half day today, so he came in. D flew out of her bedroom and ran to greet him. She was beaming. She had gotten him an exact copy of the pen he had purchased. We were both a bit shocked that she had paid attention closely to the details, considering she had plenty of options to choose from.

She knows I like gifts, but I tell them to not feel obligated to just bring me something back. I am never offended if they don't bring me something, as it means more to me if they see something and they are so inclined to get it. Heck, I like rocks for my garden, I am pretty easy to please - LOL.

D and her friends went to a couple of the Smithsonian museums but I was a bit surprised that she took time to go the art museum. She brought me back a lovely pen.

She brought home something for my parents and bought herself a sweatshirt. Beyond that, she had money to give back to me. She said she knew I had dipped into some of my stash to cover her trip.

Of course, this awareness that both kids have of my own sacrifices on occasion gave way for a moment when they both started grumbling about something and blaming me for not being able to find XYZ… They were not completely wrong in terms of I had moved a couple of things, but I quickly reminded both of them that I am pretty busy trying to keep a roof over their heads, so cut me some slack when these hiccups occur and if they don't like my system, they can find another solution when it comes to where things go. They both admitted they were ultimately responsible for their own things.

Now it is off to the doctor with D, who is in agony. They were able to get her in last minute.

This is not what I had in mind for impromptu trips! :)
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Our Community / Re: My life is not defined by a live-in MLCer 4
« Last post by Mae on Today at 10:03:53 AM »
I'm with Silver that image of you Acorn furiously playing the piano and quilting was classic. It also made me want to come over and visit you, hang out with you in your garden and do some weeding.  :)

I think the thought of us being our spouse's Plan B or that we are an obligation to be 'endured' it cut's to the heart of our self esteem and how we value ourselves when our spouses see us only as the bed they made and so must lie in it. After my first BD way way back many years ago when I asked my H what made me stay with me and his very young family, he said "I had a family and that was that".....but the way he said it, as if we were 'obligations' tying him down. My H then was going through the first episode of cyclic depression and that was the depression talking. We are not 'obligations', the kids and I have given my H much joy and happiness and it's sad when the depression makes it seem to my H that his beautiful family is crushing the life out of him.

Don't let your H's depression make you feel less than what you are Acorn. Feel sorry for your H that for some reason he cannot appreciate the beauty and love that looks back at him each and every day.....how sad for him.
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Our Community / Re: What Do They Know
« Last post by No expectations on Today at 09:52:37 AM »
Faith,

For my h, fear is a big driver.  He wrote once about wearing a "mask".  I believe he has always been what he thinks he should be,  what others think he should be,  and he is seeing that mask slip.  And he's afraid to find out what's under the mask, afraid others won't find him good enough.   That he won't like the person behind the mask.

I do understand that.  To a certain extent,  we all wear a mask from time to time.   The difference is my h, and maybe yours, has never gone without it long enough to know who he truly is.  Sad.
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Our Community / Re: Wife's MLC 9
« Last post by gman242 on Today at 09:35:43 AM »
I was talking to my mom last night, because she was confused regarding why I go along with S and W. I actually have to drive him, as she won't come to the house now. I digress, but I didn't realize it myself, but I also want to be there to protect him.

When she texted me about why S wouldn't let her take his picture, I was wondering if she was texting him. I texted S and so far, I haven't heard back. Something got her dander up and I figure it's OM or something / someone else (she was spewing anger and guilt that she tried to play off). But I don't want her pressuring him, especially after he said how he feels. She's tried it before, where she'll text him and pressure him to come over. That's just unhealthy and I don't agree with it. S can make up his own mind and he doesn't need his confidence eroded by her.

I don't think it'll happen, but I'm also worried that OM will go with W or she'll pull something. She's just dishonest and as I said before, I kinda pretend to myself that I have sole custody and I'm just supervising. I keep my distance and mainly play with the baby anyway.. partly to not talk to W and to let them spend time together.
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Our Community / Re: Beauty into Beast 2
« Last post by Thunder on Today at 09:23:35 AM »
Mort, I forget how very young you are.

It is very different going through this at a younger age.

I was 34 when my 1st H went into a crisis (he was 37).
There was no way in heck I was going to stand.  I went on without him pretty quickly, and would never have taken him back.  I was done and was out having fun with my friends, even though I did have very young teenagers at home.  Looking back it was like we were all growing up together.

I think when you get older you are more apt to stand longer.  I'm not sure why that is, it shouldn't make a difference, but somehow it does.  Could be at 30 you still have your whole life ahead of you.  idk

I am twice you age now and this BD was very different.  I was on my second marriage and had plenty of bf, or dates, in between.  My kids were all grown and on their own.
This time I was more settled down, for lack of a better word. 

I really didn't want to start dating again.  I had zero interest in it.  To start all over again felt daunting.
2 marriages were enough for me.   ::)

About the bd being the start of where we count how long we have been in this makes sense.

Yes, they show signs of changing way before that, but I think when they go through the anger and denial stages they are not quite in a full blown crisis yet.

It's when they decide to drop the bomb on us and replay starts and they run.  Either in their head or physically.
I do think it is when the real crisis starts.  When their whole personality changes and they are confused and try to find themselves.  What ever that means.   ::)
They shut down their feelings for us...and their off to the races!

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Our Community / Re: Stars
« Last post by gman242 on Today at 09:21:52 AM »
Quote
One more thing... as I told my own feelings for her have been also questioned by myself lately. I know I love her and wouldn't want to give up yet I am not so sure about if I love her but am not in love with her anymore!!!??? Am I the first one to give ILYBINILWY in my house?!? I can't deny I didn't enjoyd doing that, please forgive me. You know and I know it is a cycle but not entirely, I really have been questioning my R and life with her probably the first time during our R.

I hit that point myself. After all I've been through and given and I've literally asked if she wants to fix this and I've gotten a "not at this time"; it's so hard. Yeah it's an MLC, but it's also "I never treated you the way you've treated me".

As far as I go, that's where love, respect and trust need to be earned back. To me, it's just luck right now if and when W comes around, if I'll be available and wanting to take her back. I have no plans, but she's made choices, MLC or no.. and so can I.

I think that's the tightrope we walk, if we're honest with ourselves.
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Our Community / Re: Reassembling - peace of mind comes piece by piece
« Last post by Medusa on Today at 09:13:40 AM »
Welcome to your new thread,

Short trips are awesome. You should figure out how to do them!
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Our Community / Re: What Do They Know
« Last post by SavingMySanity on Today at 09:08:00 AM »
My H is and has been running himself into the ground for years due to his fear of being perceived as a failure.  I honestly think since his dad brags on him to people so much that he feels he has to continue to strive for greatness. Part of me thinks that he still feels the need to have his dads approval even though he has always thought his dad a jerk.  This all seems so backwards to me.  H loves his dad, but does not think much of him with how he treats his mom and the way he takes advantage of her.  So why keep pushing and killing yourself for that pat on the back?

Now H and his dad are the best of friends and his dad is taking advantage of the situation and influencing his son to get away from me as fast as he can.  All his parents care about is H's career.  Not our children, not me, nor our pets.  I had called his commander after he took his vacation to Vegas with OW and his mom wanted me to call the commander back and tell him that I was sorry that I had made a mistake.  WTF?  So maybe the fear of failure is an unresolved childhood issue they still struggle with?
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Our Community / Re: That Gracious Thing
« Last post by Ready2Transform on Today at 09:05:43 AM »
I wanted to add too that my xH is now back to being a Buddhist supposedly (and vegan, no less - only weird to me because the 20+ years we were together he loved eggs and cheese like they were oxygen). Sorry GG, us crazy Americans! ;) It took a LONG time. It was not the sign he was improving that I thought it would be six years ago, but at least (I hope) they've no longer got farm animals couped up in their suburban yard with the motorcycles and old timey tents. OW's big goal was a hobby farm, so it's probably put a spanner in those works  ;D ;D ;D but maybe if she waits it out, he'll cycle back to hunter/gatherer. ;) I hope at least there is a chance too for you and your son that you can see some of his old interests and integrity again.
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Our Community / Re: Sheer Survival
« Last post by Mae on Today at 08:58:34 AM »
LOL.....hilarious Nah......we need to roll this 'better cat' scenario out for any LBS thinking of engaging in the 'pick me' dance.

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