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Our Community / Re: Vanisher - Return Stories
« Last post by stillbaffled on Today at 05:35:05 AM »
Bren - reading these is good for me.  Not in the sense that I think it could or would happen to my MLCer but more so because it reinforces for me that many of them that do these things aren't really and truly happy. 

The other thing that comforts me to know is that many of them do still remember and think of the true loves of their life. 

Thanks for being the queen of posting these! 
Our Community / Re: Strange things they say....
« Last post by Fitmom on Today at 05:33:49 AM »
My MLC said as one of the reasons why I never made him happy was because when he first told that he loved in 1994..I did not say it back.  Never mind that that since that day he has received daily I Love u's and we had been together since 1994 and married since 2000.  Talk about reaching for something to justify bad behavior....
Our Community / Re: Newbie and 3 yrs on
« Last post by barbiedoll on Today at 05:32:51 AM »
Thanks for the Chaos Kids audio ChrissYAH . It helps remind me , even though he is here, that there is STILL much struggle. I remember listening to that guy a couple of years ago and actually bought his program. But that audio is 100% correct in my experience. My husband should also be either is a padded room, in prison ..or dead. And more support that IT  HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH US.  None of us even knew our spouses the 1st 10 years of their lives (obviously). Idid have a therapist tell me ... "this was going to happen , no matter who or what YOU are ".

Anger and rage is a manifestation of extreme emotional hurt. It is how ( some of us .... ME !) deal with or translate our pain. We are deeply , to our very soul hurt ... and it comes to the surface as rage . It is attached in some way .. to OUR 1st 10 years of childhood. That has proven to be true in my case ... but it took a long time to see that . Everytime I am angry or enraged ... I have trained myself to ask " what is hurting me right now ".  MAN... it is hard. I sit with a paper and write and write and cry and shake and resist ..but it has helped me understand my own reactions. Rage is a manifestation of hurt ( huge heartbreaking decades old hurt ) ... there is your mirror work. Even being told that enraged me ...
Our Community / Re: Learning to walk the walk
« Last post by Mitzpah on Today at 05:30:56 AM »

I hope this getaway is healing for both of you!

It definitely sounds nerve-wracking, though :o

Looking forward to hearing about this leap into the unknown  ;)

Our Community / Re: The Wisdom to Know the Difference
« Last post by stillbaffled on Today at 05:26:27 AM »

Of course you need to take more time for you.  I am with you on the emotional and physical drain it is taking care of an aging parent.  My mother is 81.  She still lives alone in an apartment 10 miles from me.  She has always been very selfish and needy but age and physical limitations for her have exacerbated it.  My mom can also be very mean at times.  It's very hurtful and I'll struggled mightily in dealing with her since BD.  There are times when I truly dread having to go to see her.  My brother does help out a lot and I don't know what I'd do without him.  Sadly, he and his wife winter in the south for 6 months and the tasks fall on me. 

I can't imagine what it would be like to have my mother in the same house as me.  Bless you for taking on that caregiving role for your mom. 

But NoEx needs to put herself first.  I'll expect to hear that you've done something for YOU next time I check in with you. 

Personally, I'm headed out with a couple friends on my Harley to put some miles on.  Wish you were with! 
Our Community / Re: Vanisher - Return Stories
« Last post by Brenross on Today at 05:22:51 AM »

Over 6 years ago (March 2003), my Husband "dropped the bomb".   After 6 months of work, counseling and prayers, my Husband decided to move out.   He said he'd never find someone that was more compatible, took better care of him and was more attractive, but he felt we'd lost our connection. We'd been together 28 years. He moved out and a few months later filed for divorce.   He bought a house and moved the Other Woman and her Daughter in with him.   Weeks after the divorce was final, he married the Other Woman. He told everyone that he was very happy and finally had the life he wanted.

At the time, I couldn't imagine life without my Husband or how I could go on.   God led me to Jim Conway's book, then to Jim, and finally to the chat group here.   Now I can tell you that I thank God for this journey, despite all the pain.   It's because of this journey that I've grown, healed, dealt with my own buried issues and met incredible people who will be friends for life.   I've done things I never gave myself time to do and accomplished more than I could imagine.   I reached a place of trusting the Lord with my future, regardless of what that is.   

A year ago, my Husband separated from the Other Woman, filed for divorce from her and began reconnecting with me.   He told friends that he never got over me and never stopped thinking of me.   He has shared many of the issues he and the Other Woman had and how much stress he was under in that relationship.   

We are taking things slow, rebuilding the friendship that had been so strong.   A few months ago he asked me if I thought we'd get back together.   I replied to take it one day at a time, one step at a time but that it felt so comfortable.   He agreed that our time together does feel very comfortable.   I've had time to heal, grow and forgive.   I want my Husband to have time for his own healing, growth and for his forgiveness.   My greatest prayer continues to be for my Husband's salvation.   

Many people told me to give up, move on, and that I was released from standing due to my Husband's marriage to the Other Woman.   I never prayed against my Husband's marriage but instead for the Lord's will in their lives, for salvation for my Husband & the Other Woman, for their healing and to find the truth.   However I did feel called to continue my stand.   

I tell others, this is not wasted time, this is time for us to focus on our growth, our relationship with the Lord and that it can be a time of real joy.   When I reached the place of trusting the Lord with my future (regardless of what that is), I found such peace.   We can't change or fix our Husbands's, we can only work on us.   This is our time and the Lord has a wonderful plan for each of us, trust Him.
Our Community / Re: Vanisher - Return Stories
« Last post by Brenross on Today at 05:17:40 AM »

Hello fellow standers, 

I have been lax in getting out this message of encouragement because I wanted to see if it was real.     Well, I know now that this is truly happening so here goes! 

My husband left me and divorced me 5 years ago. During the past five years, he's had very limited contact with me, our grown children and grandchildren.   The last couple of years, he had been living quite some distance away, with another woman and her teenage children.   

I was hopeful that someday he would wake up and return to us but from all outward appearances, it just didn't seem like that would ever happen.   I thought that he had been so happy these past 5 1/2 years, especially, the last 2 1/2 living with this “wonderful new woman”. 

Well, I couldn't have been more wrong!   A few months ago he called to tell us that he breaking up with the other woman and that he would be moving back to town.   Although at the time he wasn't thinking about coming back to me, we very slowly started up a friendly relationship again which has led to a recommitment to our marriage.

He has told me why he left, that there were things I did or didn't do that had bothered him all of the 28 years that we were married but he never let me know.   He also said that he left looking for something outside of himself when he should have been searching inward.   He said that he should have never left!   Wow, I had been waiting so long to hear those words!!! 

Although he is moving in the right direction, we are still facing an uphill road towards total restoration.   There are many issues to work through but we have marriage counseling scheduled which will hopefully help us towards that goal. 

I just wanted to let you know that it can and does happen!   Don't ever give up!   Even though I don't get to the chat room much anymore or even have time to check all of the wonderful e-mails you all send out, I wanted to thank you for your prayers and support, especially during the early years when there didn't seem to be any light at the end of the tunnel.   Thank you, thank you, thank you! 

God bless you all,

Our Community / Re: Strange things they say....
« Last post by spock on Today at 05:16:57 AM »
This was about 6 months after I moved out, H randomly asked if he can stop by and said "got you 24 rolls of toilet papers because they were on sale" :o LOL
Our Community / Re: Newbie and 3 yrs on
« Last post by ChrissYAH on Today at 05:11:51 AM »
So infuriating!, no wonder I can't get past the anger stage, he also asked my daughter in a 'joking' way 'is mum seeing anyone'?
Our Community / Re: Turning a corner
« Last post by Puzzled on Today at 04:31:40 AM »
I'd love to hear your perspective - I'm scratching my head:

H will come next Thursday for four nights.  While he has always stayed in my apartment, he wants to stay at an AirBnB this time.  The AirBnB he chose was avalable for three out of the four nights so he just told me in an email that he would like to stay the first night in my apartment.  He will arrive at the train station past D9's bedtime and asked whether I could pick him up (or he would look into buses).  I can imagine that once he is in his AirBnB, he will also want me to bring D9 to him and pick her up since I have a car and he would need to take public transportation (which is not always frequent).

H thinks that it would be fun for D9 to see the AirBnB and hopes that she would want to stay at least one night with him.  He wants to make D9 get used to be with him only, not us as a family, so that she can visit him sometime in England on her own.  D9 is not looking forward to H's visit this time and has not wanted to skype with H since Tuesday (today is Friday).

I have to admit that I feel hurt by his choice.  I feel hurt that he tosses away me and his family in the first place and now takes steps to separate more and more. 

I know there is probably nothing I can do to make him stop in his tracks.  I could tell him that he should stay somewhere else for the entire time he'll be here and that we can consider him staying in my apartment again if or when he wants to work on healing his family rather than disintegrating it but I'm unsure.  Do I have a problem setting boundaries or do I feel that this would not be the best way to handle the situation?

Any thoughts?
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