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Author Topic: MLC Monster A view from the other side - Various Fog stories  (Read 61860 times)

Offline UKStander

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MLC Monster Re: A view from the other side - Various Fog stories
« Reply #150 on: November 15, 2013, 03:16:49 PM »
Hi Callan

Reading your accounts of your father's behaviour with interest - as mine was depressed most of his life, as I think I told you. He ended up in psych unit of hospital at c.80, having tried to kill himself. I think the guilt, of leaving my mother and me (at 50) wore him down in the end, plus the new marriage was not all it was cracked up to be (he drank heavily throughout, which he'd never done in the time with my mother).  Downhill from the moment he hooked up with OW, really.  I wonder how much was chemical and something he couldn't avoid, and how much was FOO issues. His father beat on him, and, so I'm told, his mother often just delivered him into the hands of his father when he'd been naughty. A double whammy. He had no belief in himself, of that I'm quite sure.

I'm interested in how self-belief can just be beaten out of a person at a young age. The extent to which that happens must have some bearing on whether they can ever recover and get themselves up out of the self-imposed hole again. But who knows.  Our H's have us - and we understand more than most. For that they should be extremely grateful!  When they awaken.

I'm sorry we still find ourselves here.  TIme will change things. Maybe our legacy of fathers with mlc means we'll be stronger than most. Maybe that's why we're hereā€¦.

Greetings and strength to you.
BD June 2011
Affair discovered; three moves out and three attempts at return during 11/12, culminating in "I'm not coming back" statement. Then DIY separation agreement - Feb 14 - which I wouldn't sign. Now living with OW since Sept 14. In Feb 16 he said he 'just needed the money'. I think I have to frame this within a divorce, for protection and to know I can keep my home. So I've initiated. It's slow moving.

Offline hopeandfaith

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Re: A view from the other side - Various Fog stories
« Reply #151 on: November 16, 2013, 01:23:21 AM »
I have a friend who has just had an experience with an MLCer but we only just realised it.  A few months ago an old boyfriend contacted her on facebook and told her he had been looking for her for years.  She is single, having been divorced for about 7 years.  He must have made quite an impression on her because they started a long distance relationship and she considered moving to his town.  She has 2 lovely boys but started to get a little disappointed that her boyfriend never seemed too interested in them.  They decided to meet and she reported that he was like a randy high school teenager.  He said "I am going to pay you the best compliment ever" and then told her how many times he had masturbated to her in the intervening years.....NICE  :o :o ??? ???

Ok, so now she is getting a little concerned.  She decides to give it another go and visits his town.  By day 2, she has called friends who also live in that town to come and rescue her from an unshowered selfish pig who drinks far too much.

Not sure on his LBS status but she had been told that he had broken up with his partner a while ago and it was amicable.  His ex partner had a daughter who is grown but had referred to him as Dad and had the same surname.  Doesn't see much of her either.

Thank goodness she escaped.  We couldn't believe that while she is travelling this journey with me, she gets to visit the other side.  He sounded YUK!!!
BD's in May 09, Sept 12 - suspected OW
Left home Jan 12 2013
OW confirmed Feb 2013
Moved home April 11 2014
BD again in April 2017 - clinging. 
Moved out July 2017
D17, D15 and S14

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Offline Sunny

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Re: A view from the other side - Various Fog stories
« Reply #152 on: November 17, 2013, 02:51:23 AM »
an unshowered selfish pig who drinks far too much.


Sounds like H!!  ;D ;D

Offline Disneyme

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Re: A view from the other side - Various Fog stories
« Reply #153 on: November 17, 2013, 04:58:13 AM »
Not sure if this is the best place to ask, but reading the stages of MLC over and over on different websites I had a question that I guess only can be answered by the recovered MLC'er.

The "awakening" or "turning point" during replay that pushes them out of the tunnel, has anyone ever said something triggered it? Do they one day just wake up and think what did I do? Or did someone say something to make them think, did they have something terrible happen like sickness or death of someone, was it the OW/OM saying something? I'm just curious how it comes forth, since it may never happen also.

I wonder if the counseling with him and the kids may make it worse since he feels validated by saying how I made him feel and that the problems the kids have are because I don't help them transition into his new world. They usually don't hold the MLC're accountable for his actions. They force the kids into accepting the situation.

Offline limitless

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Re: A view from the other side - Various Fog stories
« Reply #154 on: November 17, 2013, 06:33:53 AM »
DM,

Quote
The "awakening" or "turning point" during replay that pushes them out of the tunnel, has anyone ever said something triggered it?
I think it can be triggered by an event.  But, not necessarily.

The MLCer will remain in Replay until challenged either externally or internally.  (Hitting rock bottom).  As no one truly knows another person's rock bottom - I don't think you can really see it from the outside.  (What YOU or I would see as "rock bottom" may not be so for the MLCer.  It's amazing how low they can go...and not hit rock bottom).

Quote
Do they one day just wake up and think what did I do?
  I have read a few examples of this - but I think this is rare.  MLC "recovery" isn't like turning on or off a faucet.  Conway describes it like waves coming to shore from far off at sea.  Many times it is a gradual process - with attempts to return to Replay activity - to avoid hitting rock bottom and having to face one's shadow.

Quote
Or did someone say something to make them think, did they have something terrible happen like sickness or death of someone, was it the OW/OM saying something? I'm just curious how it comes forth, since it may never happen also.
Throughout the crisis - I believe things are said or things happen that may make the MLCer "think."  But, during Replay, the MLCer will run and avoid.  The "moments of clarity" occur when the MLCer is alone with his thoughts (even if he is in a crowded room - he still can be alone with his thoughts, by the way) - and he will start to think.  But, thinking about it is too painful and he is in denial - so he goes back to Replay to "fix" that feeling and make it go away.

As Old Pilot has stated, many times, the MLCer has to go down many, many cheese-less tunnels before facing his issues.

I think we all are curious how "recovery" comes about.  If you read actual MLCers' accounts of leaving the tunnel - even they can't describe it very well or very clearly.

As for counseling "making it worse."  It gets worse (before it gets better) regardless.  If he goes to counseling to justify his actions (or not) it is not within your control.   Let it be.



M -56,  ExH - 63 (56 at BD)
M - 33 years (do the last 3 years count?)
D - 26, D -22, S - 22 (all at home w/me)
BD 5/29/2010, Ran away from home - 8/15/2010,
Found out about affair - 2/11
H asks for divorce - 8/11
H filed for divorce 10/11
Announced "new" girlfriend 12/12 (3rd OW)
Divorce final 06/13 (I decided to finish it)
Dumped OW 9/15 (After 4 years)
Seeing OW#1 again
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Offline Trustandlove

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Re: A view from the other side - Various Fog stories
« Reply #155 on: November 18, 2013, 09:56:00 PM »
I think Limitless has it right.  I can say from my own experience, many, many years ago when I got my life into a huge mess aged much younger than an MLCer, that coming out of it appeared to others around me as sudden, but that in reality it was several years.

I pushed on and on with the route I had taken, I'm don't remember anymore the exact things that happened, but at one point things that people had been saying for years started to sink in.  I still didn't think that I could change anything; I was totally convinced that I had made my choices and that was that.  Then the big thing -- that I didn't want to hear "I told you so".   I was embarrassed about my life, but brazened it out.  Then finally the thought that "I'll face the I-told-you-so; they were right".   From then it was quick, and that is what people on the outside saw. 

Oh, and btw, by then no one said "I told you so". 

Maybe it was the reverse of what our MLCers experience going into the tunnel; we don't see the turmoil before BD; others didn't see the turmoil before I came out.  And even then it wasn't all roses right away; I had quite a bit of fixing to do, but then I just got on with it. 

The dangerous thing of course is to look at the timeline for me back then (6 years) and think that because that is what I did, that my MLCer will do the same, or should do, or whatever.  Each journey is individual. 
« Last Edit: November 18, 2013, 09:57:26 PM by Trustandlove »

Offline Searching4Answers

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Re: A view from the other side - Various Fog stories
« Reply #156 on: November 20, 2013, 07:54:47 AM »
I think Limitless has it right.  I can say from my own experience, many, many years ago when I got my life into a huge mess aged much younger than an MLCer, that coming out of it appeared to others around me as sudden, but that in reality it was several years.

I pushed on and on with the route I had taken, I'm don't remember anymore the exact things that happened, but at one point things that people had been saying for years started to sink in.  I still didn't think that I could change anything; I was totally convinced that I had made my choices and that was that.  Then the big thing -- that I didn't want to hear "I told you so".   I was embarrassed about my life, but brazened it out.  Then finally the thought that "I'll face the I-told-you-so; they were right".   From then it was quick, and that is what people on the outside saw. 

Oh, and btw, by then no one said "I told you so". 

Maybe it was the reverse of what our MLCers experience going into the tunnel; we don't see the turmoil before BD; others didn't see the turmoil before I came out.  And even then it wasn't all roses right away; I had quite a bit of fixing to do, but then I just got on with it. 

The dangerous thing of course is to look at the timeline for me back then (6 years) and think that because that is what I did, that my MLCer will do the same, or should do, or whatever.  Each journey is individual. 


Thanks Trustandlove  ;) This is the impression that I get from my H and it makes a lot of sense to me. It just so frustrating to not be able make our MLCer 'get it'.
We all do damage. Character is determined by how we repair it.


BD - December 2012
OW1 confirmed - December 2012 on-and-off for 34 months and counting (still refers to her as just a 'friend')
Wants to live like roommates - November 2013
I moved out - April 2015
H is still checking the anchor

Offline riverbirch

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Re: A view from the other side - Various Fog stories
« Reply #157 on: November 20, 2013, 04:22:13 PM »
For me it was almost losing my husband for good. He ended up having a revenge A and started acting awful towards me. He was deeply depressed and didn't care about anything anymore. I was kicked out of my home, landed myself in jail a couple time(charges dropped) and while I was living out of my home I started reading about affairs. It showed me what and why I was doing what I did.

Almost losing everything is what snapped me out of it real quick. He had even filed for divorce and I had the papers ready to sign but I couldn't do it. I texted him and told him I didn't want a divorce on the day, I was suppose to sign them. I no longer wanted anything to do with the other man and vowed to straighten out.
Me 51
H (whatever he is) 53
D for financial reasons March 2012
Started seeing massive change over the summer 2012
Left end of October 2012
Started coming home thanksgiving 2013
Home now. March 2014
Believe ow is gone
Probably going through this for years
OW discovered Oct.23,2013,old GF from before we met at the age of 16!
Left again Oct. 20 2015
Came back two weeks later
Still here 01/17 not done yet

Offline Braincell77

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Re: A view from the other side - Various Fog stories
« Reply #158 on: December 22, 2013, 04:09:16 AM »
O
Not sure if this is the best place to ask, but reading the stages of MLC over and over on different websites I had a question that I guess only can be answered by the recovered MLC'er.

The "awakening" or "turning point" during replay that pushes them out of the tunnel, has anyone ever said something triggered it? Do they one day just wake up and think what did I do? Or did someone say something to make them think, did they have something terrible happen like sickness or death of someone, was it the OW/OM saying something? I'm just curious how it comes forth, since it may never happen also.

I wonder if the counseling with him and the kids may make it worse since he feels validated by saying how I made him feel and that the problems the kids have are because I don't help them transition into his new world. They usually don't hold the MLC're accountable for his actions. They force the kids into accepting the situation.

My cousin is very high up in the chain for the biggest UK mental health charity. We have spoken and he believes that a big shock such as death or illness in the family or maybe getting in a dangerous situation during replay can cause the brain to 'ping back like an elastic band'.  There is then the guilt and realisation to deal with so it will not always be apparent for all to see.

In regards to the mortality comments on another post, my W is 34 and has become convinced she will be dead by 52 as her mum died at that age. She has verbalised this at least 5 times in the last 5 months. So rather than trying practical steps to prelong her life she is now smoking more,drinking more,smoking weed and mixing all this with AD,s. Am I missing something?????
My god this ride is bumpy but imagine the relief when we get off!

Online OldPilot

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Re: A view from the other side - Various Fog stories
« Reply #159 on: July 15, 2017, 05:14:52 AM »
Here is a series of threads starting here  of  denjef31 who also navigated through the fog.

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412.0

 

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