I had my daughters for nine days and we had a holiday together. It was great but my eldest had a bad cold and spent a bit of time in bed.

She also started to open up to me and told me how hard it has been on her as she is older and she remembers being a family. She was also angry and told me “she left because of you.” It was hard to hear but I am glad she could tell me. I told her that I loved her and her mum but her mum had chosen to leave. I said it would be ok and that it was not her fault. I said I was glad she could tell me how she was feeling.


The girls ask me if I am ok. They know I am sad but I just tell them I am ok. I am glad I can feel emotions but it is dreadful when the go. Sometimes I wish I could go back to being the bulldozer that I was but it is richer to feel things. I have done the work. One of my staff came back from maternity leave and said you are you but you are different.

I am not who I was. I am a better man and father. I would be a better husband if I was allowed to be but my wife remains determined to see me as an evil controlling monster. I was never that but I was fallible like all humans.

I saw her for the first time in 6 weeks when I returned the girls. She waved at me with her dead eyes. She does not look great. But all I can do is care for myself and my girls.

And how I wish I did not love her.

Oh my, that must be a smorgasboard of feelings for you One Day. All of them sound a bit like bland cheese though  It's only human to want that relationship to sink, but, then, if he can running back, cap in hand, would you want him now? Seems not.  I guess the endurance of the relationship seems to somehow cast doubt on MLC etc, but the cold hard facts of his behaviour remain unchanged. And from what you've said, that relationship has some suspect codependency. They are both using each other to some extent and I guess, that can be strong motivational force. If mutual friends thought it was a good match, they'd probably just do a diplomatic response, rather than an outright dismissal. It must be hard not to want to know how the return of the prodigal son goes, but maybe best not to look (not even through splayed hands).

I'm so happy you are moving forward in your new R with a healthy perspective. It is a ray of sunshine to us folk, new in the bear pit they call MLC. Thank you for posting.

Happylight,

Two things you said resonated with me

What if everything he has done left a mark that showed on the outside?

I thought about this too and was so thankful that people couldn't see the damage from the outside. At least people who didn't know me couldn't tell (unless I was crying). I can see how some may find healing in expressing this in art or something like that. I had the image in my mind of him taking a flame thrower to me psychologically.

This also allowed me to have a tiny inkling of what people who are physically damaged by someone else have to go through since that damage is both visible and invisible. I can't even begin to imagine the pain of seeing and having such a reminder of the abuse with a physical manifestation. The Boston Marathon bombings happened during the early stages and my mind couldn't even comprehend being a runner and surviving the damage from that. I still can't imagine.

I know that not everybody understands or supports standing for your marriage.

Yes, I used to think, "throw them to the curb" when hearing about infidelity. I understand it is complicated and don't judge people for standing or divorce. I do advocate for LBS healing as paramount either way.

This is so hard, any way we look at it.

https://psyche.co/guides/how-to-appreciate-what-you-have-even-when-it-is-not-perfect

I went into reading this article fully expecting to do a hard eye roll. But I actually really like its message,  it resonated and it’s actually really timely for some of the issues I’ve been batting around. I don’t think that I will find a fitting relationship, but I really would like to, and one of the things that I have made sure to work on in order to be ready in case it ever happens is practicing nonattachment and knowing that the fact that I value and appreciate and love something or someone doesn’t mean I can’t live without that thing or that person.

This is the longest I’ve been single since I was 16. For some time, because it can be lonely, I’ve been looking at it solely as a lack of a person to talk things through in tough times or share breakthroughs, new ideas, new experiences. I don’t give myself credit for being that person for myself because it’s not the same and I’m so busy thinking about not having someone to be there for me. But the reality is that I have been that person for myself for a very long time, through some very extreme circumstances, and that’s an accomplishment and who I have been to myself is something to appreciate. I don’t need just anyone. It doesn’t mean I don’t want companionship, but as an addition, not as something that provides me something I don’t have now so that if I were to then lose it, I couldn’t live without it.

Because what I have now is only myself and that has to be enough because that’s all there is. None of the good things I’ve had and lost in life defined me. They were just things. They were things I loved, and losing them hurt a hell of a lot, and nonattachment doesn’t protect me from the pain of loss (of things or of people). It just allows me to look back at what I lost and remember the good parts, in this case how hard I worked for them, how much I enjoyed them during the time I had them. They are losses, but that’s not all they are. Before they were losses, they were accomplishments. Sometimes in our grief, we forget that.

🎶 https://youtu.be/JeSXEuhQKqw?si=37Imw2KK8MJHIl1o

Quote from: Happylight on April 17, 2024, 11:45:23 AM

I have read some theories that hormonal changes probably do play into MLC for both men and women.  Men's levels tend to drop more slowly over time--I wonder if this means that they slide into MLC more slowly as well?  I don't have the answers for sure, just curious about the potential biological contributors to the "storm."

I have no doubt of hormones being a contributing factor. It is frightening how many "fell out of love for spouse/kids overnight" stories are on the site above even in their public section.

Of course not everyone in menopause decides to divorce and go grazy, which I think links to FOO. You either have or don't have the tools to navigate dark waters without totally nuking family around you.

As for men....I think it is highly individual, just like  with women. Some go slow and easy, some fast and hard, some crash and burn.

All in all would be interesting to know if any MLCr has started HRT treatment and what the effects were. At least I don't recall reading a single storyline here or other mlc forums where that would have been explored.

Alvin

If we could test every MLCer and measure hormone levels.   I don’t believe we’d find a pattern. Otherwise MLC would be easy to diagnose and even be treatable.

I also question chemical imbalance and affects on depression.  It’s highly complex.

https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/326475

All I know is that my MLC is living in an alternative universe.  It’s psychosis.  And I wish I knew would causes it.  Hopefully in 100 years someone will figure it out.