Recent Posts
11
« Latest by Helpnewc on April 17, 2024, 04:24:35 AM »
They are all different but so many common elements.
My wife’s sister has done exactly the same thing to her husband in October last year. It is uncanny. Same phrases. Same cosmetic surgery. Same alienator.
But none of it changes the reality that there is nothing you can do. It make could decisions for yourself and whether the storm. You can’t love them back.
12
« Latest by Helpnewc on April 17, 2024, 04:22:02 AM »
Yes, I agree.
It is very odd. I had immense pressure in December to get the property settlement done. I took the offer the week before Christmas and it is now April and the consent orders have not been filed. It normally takes a couple of weeks.
Don’t expect a rush. They are all over the shop.
13
I'm another one who's former H took years to do this -- he filed about 5 years after he left (he had done so once before, but cancelled it); it then took him a further 4 years to finalise the "divorce" part; the financial settlement wasn't done for another 2 years and was only done then because at that point I did push. At all times I submitted everything that was required of me in the necessary time frame.
Now that may be an extreme case, so I should point out that my situation meant that it was to my advantage not to be divorced, so I didn't push. I decided to live with the "in limbo" bit for longer than most. By the time it happened I was in a better place on many levels and it wasn't as detrimental as it might have been had it gone through earlier. But even I got to the point that I no longer wanted any ties at all, and at that point I had already taken many steps to minimise the financial damage it would cause (it was still a lot).
Many get to that point much earlier, but of course each individual situation varies. It took me quite a while to ignore what "everyone" was saying, and taking a good hard look at my own situation and doing what was best for me and my children.
And I completely agree with what Treasur says about them wanting the "zipless divorce", my former H definitely fell into that category.
14
« Latest by Treasur on April 17, 2024, 01:53:50 AM »
Another one here whose spouse filed and then dragged their feet at every stage much as UM describes. While blaming me, of course. It was all rather surreal.
It does feel like rubbing salt in the wound, doesn’t it? Why do they do that? My best guess is based on an old book by Erica Jong that talks about the idea of a ‘zipless f**k’….i think for our spouses, it’s about a ‘zipless divorce’. Something that is already real in their head bc they have mentally declared themselves as no longer married so to them it’s kind of already true? And bc a real divorce process comes with quite a lot of adult practical stuff that is uncomfortable, costly and difficult. I can’t mind read MLCers ha ha, but I suppose the one thing we do know about the kind of folks who do this is that they are given to avoidance and don’t seem to much like adulting…..so the idea of an easy ‘zipless divorce’ where they don’t have to do much and the magic happy just shows up fits that mindset, doesn’t it? And their fury or resentment if/when the world turns out not to work that way.
There are a lot of LBS here - me included - who ended up having to work quite hard to finalise a divorce that they never imagined wanting. Looking back, I think I did that bc, just as you say, the limbo had exhausted me. I was ready to accept my losses and be done with the process. None of it was what I wanted or ever imagined happening in my life, but I knew when I had reached a point when I just wanted it behind me not in front of me if that makes sense.
Looking back, I think we LBS stay in limbo - understandably - rather more bc of our own mindset, hopes and deep sense of shock than might always be comfortable to admit. I think our MLC spouses simply don’t feel that same sense of limbo….we are playing catch up really. If you feel in limbo, and if it has become too much to live with, I think the feeling of limbo ends when you decide to end it even if there are practical things left hanging in the air. Perhaps it is even as strange and as simple as our own version of mentally divorcing ourselves from then….that we too stop thinking of ourselves as married, idk.
15
« Latest by UrsaMajor on April 17, 2024, 01:26:06 AM »
Any thoughts on why drawing up and serving D papers would take her so long?
We can speculate until the cows come home but.....
Only from my experience (sample of 1) - it took my MLCxW nearly 18 months form the time the papers were filed by her lawyer until she had actually produced all the paperwork required by the court to finalize her D. In contrast, I produced my parts within days of the request. Likewise, it took MLCxW also about 18 months of separation before she even filed but that was long after she had found/retained an attorney. They sometimes appear to think "Hey, I retained an attorney. Everything will happen by magic now without my further involvement." Then <boom> mean old Mr. Reality hits and they have to get active, meaning they have to take/accept responsibility for their actions and accept that the resulting consequences are theirs to bear.... MLC'ers HATE consequences and accountability with every fiber of their being..... and avoid it like the plague.
16
« Latest by Baxter1 on April 17, 2024, 01:14:08 AM »
FH-
Yes, thanks for posting, although each case is different it is interesting to see if there are any trends.
17
Thank u init for your response.
Yes the yo yo ing really gets to us. The confusion and uncertainty. The reason I call him out / have a fight is because I want him to know that I am not ok with what he is doing. Don't want to keep quiet and give him a free leash.
( will.he do better I don't know).
Treasure regarding the money, i have asked the builder to ask him for all the pending amounts as and when the mortgage gets credited to his account. I may not have complete control over the money but most of it may not get misused if he has to make all the pending payments. This is the best possible plan B I could think of.
I am trying to change the door mat I was and saying yes to everything he did. did it to make the marriage. Not that it mattered anyway.
I want him to know I will not take whatever he feels.like doing. A tiny step in understanding that I have needs.too.
18
Just sharing / bookmarking a topic on emotional detachment experiences some go through during menopause. Cannot help thinking how much some of it sounds like MLC minus the need for new partner. Hormones among other things can make people quite nuts, but I guess everyone here knows that😂
https://www.menopausematters.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=22543.0Alvin
19
« Latest by Hopeful5 on April 16, 2024, 03:57:32 PM »
Strange, my W paid a $10k retainer to a D attorney mid-late Feb (I'm 99% sure of this). That makes it more than 8'ish weeks ago. I have no Idea what the hold up is on serving me the D papers... All of this liminal space is not fun to live in... If she's determined to get a D, the please just do it so I can know what she's demanding and begin to deal with it. As of now I'm living with a sadistic woman who hates me and ignores my very existence. Seeking some advice from a Lawyer this week on how I should handle sensitive discussions with her on things like finances etc.
Any thoughts on why drawing up and serving D papers would take her so long?
20
« Latest by STP on April 16, 2024, 02:04:44 PM »
So hard to understand how she is ok living alone in an apartment in another city while we all go on as a family. I found it really tuff this holiday weekend. I can't imagine how messed up she must be to continue to live away from us. 
Hi,
There's a very good chance of another man in her life. It would be her most guarded secret. Her mind is in the fog clouding her judgement. Shes in anguish and pleasure seeking. She doesn't know what she wants, just what she doesn't want ... which is you and the old life. Its not even her choice. She's been taken over by the MLC and there's nothing you can really do to help her through it but keep to the 180. Time and space is your friend. Best to find your happiness without her and behave like a family of three. It is a very long and slow process and you can and will drive yourself crazy. I went through all this 14 years ago. Saved my marriage for another 6 years and she ultimately ended it and married the other man. I'll be divorced 8 years in 2024 and couldn't be happier. My life's a literal party now.
There's a ton of great advice on this board. Keep reading and journaling. and remember you are in charge of your happiness.
Legal DisclaimerThe information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (
www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.
Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.
