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Our Community / Re: Hummingbird, Thread #3
« Last post by Thunder on Today at 05:32:31 PM »
But see MCS, you placed a truth dart a him, but followed him upstairs.

Just don't do that.  Your truth dart was good, just leave it at that.
If you see he is in an angry mood, don't engage with him.  AT ALL. You will never be the winner is this.
Don't ask him why he is angry, just ignore it.  Go about your business like you don't even notice.  All it does is start an argument that you will be blamed for.

Yes, growing apart is all part of what they want to justify their actions.  "See we're growing apart."

Don't play into it.
Just be polite and friendly, ignore his moods. 

Go do something, watch a movie, read a book, go for a walk but don't acknowledge his is in an angry mood.  That's what Monster wants....to fight.
Whether or not he actually goes through with what he said about changing Dr's and having that talk with me next weekend, I don't know.

I don't even know if he'll remember this conversation in a few days.

All I know is that since then I have felt numb.

So I probably won't have much for updates for a while, but I'll still be lurking around and offering an opinion when I can.
« Last post by Thunder on Today at 05:10:30 PM »
Hi Watcher,

Just catching up on your thread.

Yes, it probably is a good thing your W is looking up sites on abuse, but until she understands the abuse was not from you, it will do her no good.  She hides behind her fantasy.  Like your IC said, you can not bail her out of this financial or emotional mess.  It will just feed her need to control and take no responsibility for anything.
Those days are gone.

Her abuser's are still in her life and she hangs onto them.  Until this stops she will not get the help she needs and there is not a darn thing you can do about that.  Even your IC has told you that.  She has to find a way to get over her anger and stop blaming you for it.  That is on her, Watcher.

I personally, wish her mom would disappear from the face of the earth but that's not likely to happen because it sounds like her mother will not let go very easily.  They are both stuck in this sickness.

I would just keep living your life out loud, as you have been.  Don't allow her to take away your happiness, or the happiness of your boys.

Someone said something on another thread today that I think we all really need to listen to.
We only have ONE life to live.  One shot at this.  There are no do overs.  We don't want to wake up 5 or 10 years from now with regrets that we wasted all this time for nothing.  Life should be lived.

Have a good night, Watcher.
Our Community / Re: Reassembling - finding pieces I thought I lost
« Last post by MourningDove on Today at 05:07:36 PM »
Never say never, my parents were heartbroken when this madness hit. My XH was like a S to them and treated him as such. All of my family did. My sister and my XH were incredibly close. They all were very supportive of his crisis early on and had a huge amount of compassion.

As time rolled on with the MLC and they witnessed the emotional abuse they had a harder time. My M tried to convince him to get help. In the past he would have listened to her. He in fact knows my F is a very gentle man, but it was interesting to see the change, where XH got so he would ask to talk to my M about the divorce, etc. He knew he had crossed a line with my F and when that line is crossed with my F, good luck. He would never have harmed XH, but XH knew my F would probably be brutally honest.

The line was crossed when my F witnessed an interaction with the kids. Bad enough you mess with his daughter, but their 4 grandchildren are protected with a fierceness like no other. Especially my kids because they live next door and check on my parents. My S, as my sister has said holds a very special place in my F's heart. He and my F have been close since day 1. They just click and have a language all their own. I suppose it is very much like the relationship I have with him from spending time with him in the studio, but my S shares other things with my F. When my XH began treating my kids differently my F's tolerance went out the door.

I am grateful every day for my parents -- even in those moments when I want to hide from my M - LOL
Thanks Treasur, Anchor, MCS, and Mortesbride.

Warning...long post ahead. But feel free to comment if you want. If you have a similar experience, please share. I'm open to any kind of thoughts, suggestions, or thread jacks.  ;D

I had a couple hours to think before H came to pick me up for lunch. So I thought about what I wanted, and what I think the best solution for myself is.

Obviously, as I am a member here I want my H back, but I want MY H, not the shell of a man he currently is. I decided the best solution for myself was to send a reply to the woman saying that H and I are separated and what he gets up to on his own is not my concern. Because the reality is, it's not. Yes I knew that she was with him, and while the confirmation let me know where I stand, it doesn't change the status quo. I told him back in January that I knew that whatever was going on between them wasn't done, but I did not want to hear anything about it. Knowing is enough.

 I know there will come a point where I just say "screw you, sit in your own $h!te for a while and leave me out of it." But while I feel it will happen this year, I don't think it will be until closer to the end of the year.

So as we're having lunch, H is telling me that he had a talk with his dad this morning after we talked. After talking with his dad he's decided that he is going to change Dr's and IC's because it's a small town clinic, he doesn't think that they are able to fully help him like he needs.

I was also told that he needs this week to get his thoughts together, but next weekend he wants to get together because he feels like he needs to explain everything he has been thinking and feeling for the last 2 years leading up to this mess. In which I'm sure will be a bunch of re writing of history. But I plan to either record it, or take notes.

H told me that after me asking him what the separation meant to him last night, he got to thinking about it, and he still considers me his wife. He doesn't want me to shut him out. He says he feels more comfortable with me than with anyone, and there must be a reason for that.

He knows this is all his fault, he knows he is handling things badly. He was just trying to feel happy for once in a long time and he doesn't know what to do.

He said he wanted to keep me as his wife but he has a long way to go before he's ready to start working on us. But he said when we are ready he wants our complete focus to be on that. No outside influences, no busy schedules, just me and him.

This whole time I said nothing, I just let him say what he felt he needed to say. Then I replied to him.

I told him that it was great that he was going to go see another Dr that might be better equipped to help him.

I told him I never stopped thinking of him as my husband, and that I agree when we're both ready we need to commit 100 percent to working on us without distractions.

I then came to the heart of the matter for me. I said to him: "I will give you time to see a new Dr, and IC. I will give you time to sort out whatever you think it is you have going on with OW. I will give you time to sort yourself out."

He butted in and said "I don't deserve this, but thank you so much!"

I looked him right in the eye and said, "You're right. Men who destroy their marriage don't deserve the kindness I've treated you with."

"I told you I would give you all the time you needed to start sorting yourself out. And I will, but...there will come a time a ways down the road when I ask you to decide something.
If you can't make a decision, I will make it for you."

He said, "I told you I don't want a D, I want you to stay as my wife."

I replied with " You could have fooled me, but that's not what I'm talking about. When I feel the time is right, and I've said before that it is going to be a ways from now, so don't freak out thinking I'm going to ask you in a couple weeks."
"But anyway, I'm going to ask if you are ready to cut OW out. You said yourself you aren't ready to stop being "friends" with her. And eventually there will come a time when I become tired of the situation. When that happens, I'm going to ask if you will cut her out, and if you feel that you can't, I am going to cut you out of my life until you are ready."

He almost started crying and asked why I would do that, when he is trying so hard to fix himself.

I told him, "I know it's hard, but think about it from my side. We've been together 20 years, one day you up and decide that you want to tap the neighbor lady. You expect me to sit around and cheer you up when you're feeling down, and just be okay with the fact that you are married to me and doing whatever it is you 2 get up to with someone else. The fact that you think this way at all tells me something is wrong, because the you from 2 - 3 years ago would kick your ass for me."

"I have a feeling that if you continue with her, it's not going to end well. She is going to hurt you, or firetruck you over someway. The reason I'm going to cut you out of my life, if you can't cut her out of yours is because I don't want to see what she does to you. I'm going to be selfish and let you fall apart without my help so that you can reap the consequences of your actions."

He sat there stunned for at least 5 minutes before he asked if I would really do that.

I said "Yes, I would. Remember you were the one who wanted the separation, not me. You were the one who decided it would be better for me to move out for whatever reasons are floating in your head for the day. You were the one who decided you wanted to see if the grass was greener. So when it's time, I'm going to let you experience exactly what it is you signed up for."

"In the end this is all about you. You contact me when you are feeling down, but you need to realize that there is something broken inside of you. Until you fix it, you will never find the happiness or answers you're looking for. "

By that time we were done and getting ready to leave. Before I could get in the truck he came and gave me a hug...a long hug, I was actually starting to get a little uncomfortable with it. When he pulled away he said " I want to be the man who you loved and who loved you again."

Our Community / Re: Quarter of a Century - then nothing :(
« Last post by Thunder on Today at 04:39:27 PM »
Nxsta, the sad reality of this mess is, lawyers are expensive.  You just can't get around that.  You can't reason with someone who changes their mind every other week.  He is not going to take your msgs. serious.  They need to be nothing but business letters from your lawyer.

I understand why you think the way you do.  Trust me I had to beg, borrow and steel money from my family and a friend to get this done right, it sucked, but afterwards I slowly paid them all back and got the best settlement I could have gotten for my future.
If it had been up to us to figure it out, it would not have ended up that good.

I even tried stalling as long as I could but in the end it only cost me more money.

Nxsta, I know you love him and don't want this.   None of us did.
But the one good thing about leaving the emotions and personal messages out of it is, there is less damage, bad feelings and words you can't ever take back.

Just do what ever you need to do to secure yourself, financially.  Make that your first priority.  But try to just keep it business and as impersonal as you can.  They are out for themselves, you be out for what is best for you.

Hang it there, Nxstra.

Big Hug

Our Community / Re: Failing on all acounts
« Last post by nah on Today at 04:30:31 PM »
Yep.  Good contact. Now space.
Our Community / Re: Failing on all acounts
« Last post by Thunder on Today at 04:15:38 PM »
Well, the fact that he answered you right away and added a smiley face is nice.

Now keep living your live S66 and wait to see what happens.
Give him some more time with NC.

If nothing in a few months, maybe another small msg.
But have no expectations.

You at least gave him something to think about.   It was a nice msg. from you, with no pursuing.  :)
Our Community / Re: Snuff
« Last post by Rising Phoenix on Today at 03:36:16 PM »
Sorry that was spell check wrong, it should of said I hope mine does as well. No matter how bad he has been I don’t wish death on any one. I really should pay more attention and read my posts before I save. X
Our Community / Re: Failing on all acounts
« Last post by Schratz66 on Today at 03:35:27 PM »
So H birthday today:
I emailed him this : Have a happy birthday (smiley face). Hope you are well.
His reply: Yeah...ok.....Thank you schratz (smiley face)

He replied within 15 minutes.

Any of it good or bad ???

You know my monkey braining.
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