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Why are there big boxes just hanging around at MLer's home?   ???
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Our Community / Re: Turns out he isn’t Prince Charming
« Last post by Thunder on Today at 06:01:20 PM »
Poly, only you can decide get off this ridiculous rollercoaster ride. 
He is a very lost soul.

Leave him to twist in the wind and live your life the best you can.
Make it a happy life, Poly.
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Our Community / Re: Turns out he isn’t Prince Charming
« Last post by PolyMLC on Today at 05:47:51 PM »
I guess life got to real. Seeing things in his life he doesn’t like and ever the people pleaser. I asked him about one of his goals yeasterday. It’s an exercise muscle strength thing. He said if he can do THAT then he would be a man or looked at with respect by men. I took a deep breath and asked him what if he did it, knew he COULD do it but didn’t tell anyone. He said what’s the point in that? I said because then you did it just for you and not to get any occolades from anyone it would just be for you? He said then why bother? I said what if when you do it and someone says to you “Who gives a f?” If you keep it to yourself and KNOW you are awesome yourself then no one can take away from you. He says because he cares what people think and it’s bullcrap if people say they don’t.
So he escapes today by doing something random and unnecessary to please another person because he NEEDS the “Oh thank you so much!” From others.
Meanwhile I want to yell at him “How about showing your a man by making me smile or happy?! Or how about not becoming infatuated with another woman?! Or hey how about getting a job?! Or taking out the flipping garbage?! Or hey how about shoveling the dang driveway that I just did?! Or handling any kind of responsibility?! Or being someone I can depend on?! you stupid selfish -insert swear word hear-.” I knew he was right back in escape and avoid when the dishwasher detergent holder didn’t open and he said “I don’t have time to wait for the dishwasher to run again I’m gonna die soon!” I told him to get outta the kitchen. Plus he was avoiding me and kinda ignoring me. Actually I think he just baited me and I fell for it because things were getting better. I guess it got to real. He was up to something with this new atta boy thing he needs from someone else and I could tell so I asked if it was for a woman. I know I never learn. He smirked and said it had nothing to do with any woman. I’m glad he finds it amusing. Back on the rollercoaster today.
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Our Community / Re: THE TIME TO CHANGE YOUR LIFE IS NOW 2
« Last post by Watcher on Today at 05:40:05 PM »
Tonight I finished off my 5th night in a row at the gym so its weekend off. My legs are SORE and SOLID. I'm impressed. I need 2 days off to recover as everything is tired.

MourningDove, my good friend, you know how to express what I try to convey. Well said and thank you.

I walked into the house tonight and S14 greeted me verbally and with his eyes. His eyes do not lie. He wants me in that house. S17 is out with his friends. Both boys are beginning to push for their independence and go out often now with their friends. They are slowly breaking free from her grip. ;D

I'm picking up my spinach and spring mix. Ooh I'm so excited and then home. The usual protocol is she will be in bed. Its going to be depression until mania comes back. Probably once the warm weather hits. I'd say June, maybe late May.

I banned people from sending me online reports. It's better I know nothing about her.

I'm not making excuses. I hold her accountable. She freely interacted with me during Sept Oct and Nov on her terms. It was mania.

She tuned me out Dec Jan Feb. Its depression/withdrawal. MIL and myself are guilty of poking her. Look I'm still learning and making MLC related mistakes. Obviously she does not want to be bothered at all during this phase. That's the MLC perspective.

On a human level, she is a downright nasty abusive individual. Its better to leave her alone. I would say the hibernating bear is a great analogy to describe her current state.

We may run into each other this weekend or we may not. Yes, WonderNoMore, one day at a time.

Thanks
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Our Community / Re: My life is not defined by a live-in MLCer 5
« Last post by Acorn on Today at 05:08:30 PM »
Hey, 1P, did you sh## on me yet?  ;D ;D ;D
Flying on to a branch of this mighty mighty tree . . .

Wanted to pick up on your statement that the further into this the better your intuition.

Been having alot of those same thoughts.

Thinking it is time and healing, true deep down soul health that brings the intuition back. 
I believe emothial health is directly connected to my gut!  When I was in deep shock and sorrow, my intuition was truly out of action. 

Just curious if :

Your h recognizes all of your truth darts?
I think he is receptive to my views.  See, I don’t do truth darts on purpose.  I say my honest piece and realize afterward that it really was an unintended truth dart.  Pre-MLC H valued my judgement above anyone else’s.  During his crazy replay, my words were trampled upon, truth darts or not.  It is not his recognition of truth darts but it is his humble acceptance of what I say to him that is important.  It shows his growth and maybe seeing the light at the end of the MLC tunnel?

Your h realizes that his statements are what create the truth darts?
Could you give me a little more cue on this?  Are you referring to any specific statements?

Your h sees that the things he complains about others doing to him are what he does to you?
I don’t know that he is there yet or if he will become wise enough to see that.  I hope so.  Without seeing what he has done to me, there can be no remorse.  Without remorse, one cannot truly mend R

Sitting on this mighty tree enjoying the view😀
I need more fertilizer.

1p
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Our Community / Re: New England Retreat
« Last post by FamilyIsMyGoal on Today at 05:00:05 PM »
I'm in upstate NY, about 80 miles due north of NYC.  The Berkshires are close to me.  I would love to meet you all!
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Our Community / Re: Hummingbird, Thread #3
« Last post by MCSINME on Today at 04:42:20 PM »
Acorn:
Interesting thought and probably true about S16.  He is so brilliant and kind and good looking.  Probably a lot of the same things H sees in himself at that age.

It's so weird, like something just clicked yesterday.  Can't even explain it. 
Probably the result of a lot of prayers.

Church reached out to me out of the blue (marriage team).
Told my H's cousin at the wedding about what's going on.  He is much younger but had a similar episode and is reconciled and very open and testimonial at his church in California.
Him and his wife are praying for our R.

Things great and calm tonight.  H just arrived from work and is cooking dinner before he packs to leave in the morning.

All's calm on the western front...  Much love to you Acorn

MCS
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Our Community / Re: My life is not defined by a live-in MLCer 5
« Last post by 1phoenix on Today at 04:35:23 PM »
Flying on to a branch of this mighty mighty tree . . .

Wanted to pick up on your statement that the further into this the better your intuition.

Been having alot of those same thoughts.

Thinking it is time and healing, true deep down soul health that brings the intuition back. 

Just curious if :

Your h recognizes all of your truth darts?

Your h realizes that his statements are what create the truth darts?

Your h sees that the things he complains about others doing to him are what he does to you?

Sitting on this mighty tree enjoying the view😀

1p
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Our Community / Re: My life is not defined by a live-in MLCer 5
« Last post by Acorn on Today at 04:22:51 PM »
Gigielle and 31, the similarities in our MLCer stories never cease to amaze me.  I swear, they follow the same manual!
—————
I need to record the following lest I forget.
It is amazing to observe the positive steps H is taking right now.  If I could summarize all his actions, it is this: He is not all about Mr. Acorn.  Little acts of kindness and evidences that he’s been thinking of me and the kids.  For example, he bought a packet of ear plugs for me while he was travelling in Florida.  He was sick as a dog with the flu and went to a pharmacy to get some medication and he remembered me talking about my search for the most effective and comfortable ear plugs for sleeping.  He looked though all available ones in the pharmacy bought the best ones.  I know.  Ear plugs.  And I’m so happy about his thoughtfulness.  How crazy is it that I write about ear plugs!   Just normal things loving couples do for each other on daily basis but it’s breaking news for me.  O boy, I miss normal...

I cannot believe that we are planning a family holiday at a cottage this summer.  We haven’t done that since he fell into MLC.  He started talking about how it felt on a rented top model Harley in Florida.  I was rolling my eyes internally but wait.  He said it felt so good just to have a care free ride as if he was on a holiday like we used to have.  So, it wasn’t about the motorcycle but about good olden days.  Lesson: do not assume. 

I love how his eyes look normal.  Not guarded, cold and distant.  H’s normal eyes.
I appreciate his company while I potter about the kitchen.  He used to go straight to his den and only emerge for food.  Now he will sit in the kitchen and just talk about life. 

One thing that is sorely missing.  No physical contact...  Just a kiss for good morning, etc.

Reconnection does not necessarily lead to reconciliation.  Do I want to live in platonic relationship with H for the rest of my life?   Too early to think about it, I guess.  31 will tell me to be patient and mention the word, TIME...
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Our Community / Re: Hummingbird, Thread #3
« Last post by Acorn on Today at 04:19:35 PM »
Thanks Sam!

During the funeral, before H spoke, I had a bout of non-stop crying.  I realized for the first time, that now that my FIL is in heaven, he is looking down at his S going through a MLC and EMA that he had no idea about on this Earth.  Were he alive, FIL would be devastateed, I believe.  His S is his pride and joy and could never do any wrong.  I realize FIL in heaven is forgiving and has unconditional love, but for some reason it stil made me sad.

I feel that this "revelation" or insight really allowed me to release and feel so much more comfortable detaching.  Maybe it's a passing thing, but I feel so strong right now, and so alive.  I'm glad H is away for the weekend training in another state.  No monkey braining for me.  Good time with S and church on Sunday.

I’m glad for you that you had this revelation.  It’s amazing how a little emotional distance can give us clearer picture of how abnormal and crazy MLC situation is.  I think putting yourself in your FIL shoes gave you that objectivity. I believe Objectivity is a necessary component in detaching so that your emotional equilibrium is maintained regardless of his words and actions.  Yep.  Easy to say, I know.  It’s hard work...  Detachment needs constant attention in my case, being a slow learner and a fantastic forgetter!  I have a collection of quotes on my iPad I read from time to time to remind me about detachment, what it feels like and why I need to do it. 

Hope you keep working at your detachment.  That is the path, not only for surviving at the beginning, but for thriving!  Believe me, you will blossom and grow.  Not for H but for YOU.  The second beneficiary would be your dearest children, especially your young son. 

By the way, my H was horrible to S1 at the height of his Replay.  I did not understand his fury until H said to me, ‘S1 is just like me in this and that.’ Then I saw the light.  He was heavily projecting all the things he didn’t like about himself onto S.  He projected all the positive things onto D.
Maybe your H sees his own rebellion at life in your S???  Just a thought. 

((((((((HUGS))))))))
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