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Our Community / Re: What has happened to my life - Part 5!!
« Last post by Philadelphiagirl on Today at 09:49:39 AM »
Thanks so much T&L and Puzzled. Yes, T&L I don't want to be divorced on lies and yes it is classic monster as much of what he has said is totally unnecessary. I have had depression and he mocked my mental health. I do understand the feeling that you just want it to go away by agreeing to everything! From the forms it looks like he can divorce me very quickly.

Puzzled, thank you, yes the words he used are vile and unnecessary - it really is awful. Thanks for the link.

I'm so in a panic that I cannot read any information at the minute without getting into more of a panic. I feel broken, tired and as though his madness is never going to end. He really is a bully. My Sister said that his application just sounds like a letter of hate addressed to me.

Love and support to all, PG XXX   
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Sam:  You sound great!  As usual...

I wouldn’t worry about the family event.  Do what you want, and don’t worry about what the family or H thinks.  I’ve so realized that you need to have your life with your H, but you also need to have your life with friends and for yourself.

Have a great run!  Good luck cleaning (I won’t say have fun!), and have a great Memorial Day!
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Our Community / Re: Look for the small stuff and survive each day
« Last post by Anon on Today at 09:34:16 AM »
Quote
Should I invite my H to join us or let him organize something with her on his own.  I think the gesture on my part would be nice but don't want to be perceived as pursuing.

FWIW, Baf,,, I had this same dilemna around Christmas time.   I chose not to invite him to a family gathering (all adults), but I did tell him why (still too much tension) and he seemed to accept it.  Weeks later I understood that he was terribly hurt and felt pushed out of his own family.  He responded by withdrawing further from me and feeling angry about it all.  He didn't tell me about it but he did tell some others. 

I felt terrible and guilty that I had done this.  To be honest, at the time I was hoping that not being invited would show him all he was giving up, and snap him out of his crazy MLC.  Didn't work of course.  Further, my motivation for not inviting him was very wrong, imo.

A few weeks later I gave him a heartfelt apology and he accepted it.   I doubt I will do that again.   I always invite him now and leave it up to him to decide if he wants to come or not.  If he doesn't come, I don't make anything out of it at all. 

I doubt he would see these invites as pursuing either because in my case, everything else I do or don't do indicates that I am not pursuing. 

Do what you feel is right in your own situation.  Just be careful not to invite or not invite as a manipulation, as I did.



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Our Community / Re: Growing
« Last post by seahorse on Today at 09:33:25 AM »
Thunder, Barbie and Sam:  Thanks for your input.  I guess I have had BFFs other than H, but for different reasons we drifted apart (one was disrespect for other family member, another was distance).  I have a BFF in our new state, but she is divorced and very bitter, so her advice to me is taken with a grain of salt.  My second BFF is rarely able to have time for me due to her business, so I lose out on the personal time with her.  Other than that, only acquaintances.  I am working on fostering new friendships, but difficult.

Church was amazing and hit me hard today.  It was about Daniel, but a lot of talk about integrity and how the Devil will lie, deceive you, make you confused and make you doubt yourself.  Just what the MLCer does.  I wonder if there’s something to that.

I’m having a really hard time figuring out God’s plan for me.  I so desperately want someone who loves me with all their heart, wants to be with me.  I want to hold hands, kiss, make love.  I’m only a year into the MLC betrayal, so I know I have so far to go.  I have peace in that I’ve given the situation up to God, and know he can fix anything.  I just am having a hard time trying to figure out if he wants me to stay so he can “fix” our marriage, or move on so I can have those things I yearn so much for. 

Before you jump all over my last sentence...  I know the H needs to be the one to “fix” himself, but I feel that God can direct that (and needs to, in my case).  Even if H does the work and eventually wants to reconnect, I don’t think that I’ll have those things that I desire, based on what I’ve read about others’ reconnections and reconciliations.

Please clarify my vision on this.  Any thoughts appreciated.
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Our Community / Re: What has happened to my life - Part 5!!
« Last post by Puzzled on Today at 07:55:49 AM »
Philly, I'm so sorry that you're feeling terrible today.

I don't know much about UK laws but found this information online  (I just saw that T&L was able to provide great first-hand info):

https://www.divorce-online.co.uk/blog/respondent-in-divorce-proceedings/

I don't think that you need to be worried that the accusations your MLCer stated would have a negative impact on you financially.  For this to happen, very serious stuff would have had to happen.  It sounds like having an affair or even abandoning your family and not paying maintenance may not be regarded as serious enough to have financial implications in a divorce.

I hope you won't take his cruel words to heart.  They reflect how he is feeling in general (angry and miserable) or how he is feeling about himself (or somebody else, possibly in his FOO) rather than reflect on who you are and how you were as a wife.  Just discard the 90% of what you feel is absolute nonsense.  The remaining 10% did not, I'm sure, warrant your H to just run away from you and his children, leave you with all responsibilities of raising the twins and not contribute financially, etc.

A couple of days ago, I had an "aha" moment when D10 was very angry, behaving aggressively and hurling mean words my way (and towards MLC H at times, who was here for a visit).  I know that she feels very hurt inside.  I thought that this behavior may be similar to how MLCers are behaving -- they lash out at us and say that they don't love us anymore, or never did.  There is probably so much hurt in them, which is directed towards us although we are not the source of their pain.

Lots of hugs to you!!
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Our Community / Re: What has happened to my life - Part 5!!
« Last post by Trustandlove on Today at 07:45:25 AM »
Just a quick reply -- in the UK it doesn't much matter who "gets there first"; you shouldn't lose out because he filed.  You will also be required to submit forms where you also give an account of the marriage and  your situation. That said, the law won't punish him for being a b***ard.  You would be entitled to at least 50% of everything, and as it's clear that you have to provide for the children then it could also be more. 

You can reply to this initial petition stating that the allegations are untrue.  He "has" to find fault if it's less than 2 years; after two years it can be by mutual consent, after 5 years without mutual consent.   

Speak to a good lawyer; my H tried this at first, making up all sorts of horrible things -- he later said he had been told that "you just say you don't like the same kind of tea and it goes through". 

Many people just let it go through; lawyers often say that there is no point saying anything.  Find out!  My own take was that ok, I would be divorced if I had to be, but not on lies. 

It is classic monster; it's all about them -- you are doing well, keep yourself focused the way you have been doing, please know that it isn't anything you did. 

My H was desperate to get divorced as soon as possible, and in the end it took him 9 years!  I always responded to everything according to the timeline required, it was he who didn't, and he who kept moving the goalposts.  He also wanted it over quickly without going through the whole process, he thought "you just split the house and that's it".  I held my ground on all points and in the end came through as well as I could; it would have been pretty easy to agree to just anything just to have it over with, and THAT is when I would have lost out. 

I know it feels like the end of the world; the only thing that I've found that made me understand a bit is that whoever my H is, he isn't the person he was, and there is an alien in his body. 

x
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Our Community / Re: Reconciliation encouragement needed
« Last post by Broken hearted 1971 on Today at 07:21:53 AM »
Thank you everyone for sharing. Sorry it's taken me so long to reply. I had Counseling on Thursday. Went really well. I'll try and answer some of the questions. I asked her why did you come back? ( Mentally, not physically, she was stay at home mlc). " I was done with it" it had nothing to do with you. Although there were changes you needed to make to make me feel safe. The cat had a urinary tract infection, fixed now. She said i minimized it and that's was the reason we just replaced it. Its a real hot button subject for her. I surely wasn't minimizing, i was just as upset as her, just handling it different. Our relationship dynamic is the opposite of most im the talker, verbal one. She the clam up one. I must talk to heal. I agree that im relying on her too much. Healing yourself, boy that's a tough one to comprehend. I would agree that this is probably easier than her being gone. No doubt this is not easy tho. Being a live in mlcer i now look back at all the lies, deciet, double life she somehow seemingly carried on right under my nose. Not an easy pill to swallow. She used my good attributes against me. She was a bit different than a lot of w mlcers, she monstered very little and never cut me off sexually. I seriously didn't have a clue. To her credit now she is a totally different person now, better in everyway. Damn its hard to not live in the past tho
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Our Community / Re: More Good Wolf for a Good Life...
« Last post by Milly on Today at 07:06:39 AM »
Treasur, I'm sorry to hear you had one very low day. It's just so frustrating for us once we feel we're reaching a better place in our journey to be right back down to that howling place. Great for all of us to read that by the next day you were making plans and in a better place, albeit not a perfect place. I really liked what UM wrote.

Try to see the red traffic light when thoughts of your ExH's email come to you. He's getting worse. Easier said than done of course. Dim, dim communication for now. He seems to enjoy reiterating just how much you were a mistake in his life. That is not normal. Even a psychopath knows to pretend to be nice.


I hope you're down in your allotment thinking positive. That church of yours is a dream. Just getting that would be a huge present from you to the new Treasur.xxx

29
Our Community / Re: Growing
« Last post by sampsed on Today at 06:18:17 AM »
I personally feel you need to have a social network just like you would have a business network.  Somethings you talk to h about. Some things a female bestie and sometimes even male acquaintances. Guess it just depends on the circumstances.  Somepeople in your life are better prepared to be there depending on their experiences nad their expertise.   

Dont let the step being hos bff diminish the relationship you had with h.  It wad something special too and i am sure he told you things he nevet shared with his bff
30
Our Community / Re: COOL HAND LUKE REDUX 3
« Last post by No expectations on Today at 06:13:40 AM »
Hi Watcher,

The big difference I see between you and W, and those that have had cancer,  is they WANTED the help, the support,  the companion.   Your W does NOT. And you know better than anyone,  you can't force it.

My first IC told me that my h's crisis was his cancer.  Unlike others here, my h was my rock during my treatments.   That did resonate with me,  a lot.  But my h also has been working,  very hard, on himself.

I wish you all the best,  as always.   How awesome,  that you are doing the triathlon!
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