Author Topic: Mirror-Work Resources: Mirror Work & Paving the Way  (Read 46064 times)

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Offline StillStanding

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Mirror-Work Re: Resources: Self-Focus & Paving the Way
« Reply #20 on: September 08, 2010, 04:19:19 PM »
And now for something completely different. From Wikipedia (sections in bold are highlighted by me):
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/James_Stockdale

Quote
In a business book by James C. Collins called Good to Great, Collins writes about a conversation he had with Stockdale regarding his coping strategy during his period in the Vietnamese POW camp.

"I never lost faith in the end of the story, I never doubted not only that I would get out, but also that I would prevail in the end and turn the experience into the defining event of my life, which, in retrospect, I would not trade."

When Collins asked who didn't make it out of Vietnam, Stockdale replied:

"Oh, that’s easy, the optimists. Oh, they were the ones who said, 'We're going to be out by Christmas.' And Christmas would come, and Christmas would go. Then they'd say, 'We're going to be out by Easter.' And Easter would come, and Easter would go. And then Thanksgiving, and then it would be Christmas again. And they died of a broken heart."

Stockdale then added:

"This is a very important lesson. You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end—which you can never afford to lose—with the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be."

Witnessing this philosophy of duality, Collins went on to describe it as the Stockdale Paradox.
Me: 45, Her: 40. Married 16 1/2 years, together(-ish) 20.
Status: BD 8/25/09, she moved out 8/28/10. No talk of D.

Every day is another chance to get it right.
http://www.vachss.com/mission/behavior.html

"Counting days won't buy us years" —Wings by HAERTS
"Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past."  —Lily Tomlin
"When we commit to our lovers, we implicitly promise to forgive them. There is no other way we can live with someone for better or worse or until death do us part." —Dr. Frederic Luskin

Offline StillStanding

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Re: Resources: Self-Focus & Paving the Way
« Reply #21 on: September 28, 2010, 08:07:35 AM »
Don Miguel Ruiz wrote a book called The Four Agreements; I found it a bit tedious to read, but I liked the idea of the four agreements.

  • 1st Agreement: Be impeccable with your word.
  • 2nd Agreement: Don't take anything personally.
  • 3rd Agreement: Don’t make assumptions.
  • 4th Agreement: Always do your best.

Here is a good article about the four agreements, and what they mean:
http://s3.amazonaws.com/philosophersnotes/100-core-notes/sample-pdf/28-the-four-agreements.pdf
Me: 45, Her: 40. Married 16 1/2 years, together(-ish) 20.
Status: BD 8/25/09, she moved out 8/28/10. No talk of D.

Every day is another chance to get it right.
http://www.vachss.com/mission/behavior.html

"Counting days won't buy us years" —Wings by HAERTS
"Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past."  —Lily Tomlin
"When we commit to our lovers, we implicitly promise to forgive them. There is no other way we can live with someone for better or worse or until death do us part." —Dr. Frederic Luskin

Offline HeartsBlessing

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The LBS Journey.
« Reply #22 on: October 14, 2010, 09:45:17 PM »
Now, each newbie needs to read this; whether you think you need to change or not...every marriage has had its problems; and IF lives and marriages were perfect; there would be NO reason or need for the MLC.

But since NO ONE'S life OR marriage is perfect; and every last one of us has our faults and foibles...the journey needs to be walked to wholeness and healing by each and every one.

If you think you don't need to grow and change; I will tell you now, you are not being totally honest with yourself and are within deep DENIAL; and it is NOT the river in Egypt.  :)

If you don't grow and change, you are hurting no one but yourself...as IF you don't recognize flaws within you; you will take these same problems into another relationship; and get to do it ALL over again...even if it's within the SAME relationship.

You will recycle your lessons until they are learned, or until you die; your choice.


The Bomb Drop you received, regardless of what form you received it in, represents a 'wake up' call to action...when your MLC spouse put you upon a path that was NOT of your own making; he/she made it all about YOU, the LBS; just as the crisis is all about THEM.

The two of you are on separate paths, whether you like it or not.

Even AFTER you finish learning the lessons of a lifetime; your spouse's MLC is the trigger for ongoing growth and change that will last the rest of your life. 

I have been out of this for a long time, and I'm still growing and changing; looking deep within myself from time to time to see how I'm coming along...this will continue until I die. :)

I began by recognizing the need to walk this journey around three months after the bomb got dropped on me, so long ago. I wasn't perfect; it was time for me to grow up and become what God meant for me to be.   I also had damage from my childhood AND my marriage to face and heal; and you will need to do this, also.  :)  Whatever you don't understand, just ask about; there is always someone here who is at one place or the other in their journey.

Some are far ahead, and some are just getting started.....we are here to help you however you need help in understanding what you must do to grow up within your spouse's MLC.  :)

With that said, here we go. :)

Each person takes this journey as an INDIVIDUAL. There are no right or wrong ways to take this journey.
What's important is that it's taken, in its entirety. The only place you cannot start, is at the end, LOL, as you will not know what the ending is, until you reach it.(A little humor to brighten things up.)

Unfortunately, I don't remember any kind of roadmap to start you out...I've suggested the "Mirror of self-honesty"; it is as good a place to start as any, it will help you to begin seeing yourselves as you really are within.
Being honest with yourself is VERY important; it is the only way to changing whichever areas that need change within you.

Remember, it's NO ONE's place to judge you for what you see and reveal to whomever you choose to use as a sounding board(this is someone you can trust and talk to that can help you put these things into perspective).

Also remember that the answers are contained within YOU, no one can "give" them to you...and if you think you can't find them, well, you just haven't "tapped" them yet.

Above all, don't be afraid..this is not a test where you score for how well you do. You can take as much time as you need to complete this path.
But it must be done.


Attitude is important; don't take this journey in the hopes you'll get your spouse back.
This is for YOU, not them...they should NOT be in the picture you're looking at of yourself. This is an INDIVIDUAL journey; just as your MLC'er/WAS is on a journey that is all about them, this is all about YOU.

One of the best things in this life, is to come through the journey the LBS spouse takes, learns the lessons of life, fixes the things within that are wrong with THEMSELVES, and come out on the other side, whole, and healed.

They know within themselves in the end, without the shadow of a doubt that they are and will be all right regardless of what their MLC'er does, the marriage comes back together or not, or even the twists and turns that life may take in the future.

Life, when it comes down to it, is nothing BUT one big problem to be solved, and solve it you will, as you live each day of your life. You will, when you come through, carry the tools needed to do this once your journey is completed.

How to get there? That's NOT a one size fits all answer. Each person's journey is different,tailored to the individual themselves...no one can "tell" you what to do; or how to do it.

You just do it, and it starts by looking deep within yourself.....


You've just been bombed; you're lost and afraid. The person you've given your life to, has betrayed you, abandoned you, says they don't love you anymore, or give you the speech of "I Love you, but am not in love with you". When you ask them why, they tell you they don't know, or blame you with every bad thing they are feeling...and it is hard NOT take them seriously.

You're uncertain what the future will hold, and that is a normal feeling..but you don't think it's normal. These things should not be happening, you think to yourself.
You want strength, but can't seem to find it. You can't eat, sleep, nor seem to get away from depression.
The fallout is everywhere, there is thick dust you can't seem to see through.

Eventually, you reach out for help as things do not seem to be coming back together as you'd hoped they would.

What you meet is a group of individuals going through the SAME thing; they tell you it's "MLC", it's NOT your fault, and furthermore, begin to try and get you to see that you must go through what you perceive is more pain and suffering; and you don't want that.
You want a "quick fix", you want your life back, you want your spouse to look at you like they used to.

I've got a newsflash for you:
You're NOT going to get that; when your spouse went into the tunnel; your marriage and your life, as you knew and saw it, DIED.
Get it? It's dead, as in not coming back ever again, burned to the ashes, GONE.

All the crying, begging, pleading, clinging, demanding...all destructive behaviors will NOT help to fix anything.
They will only cause MORE damage, as disrespect from the MLC'er will ONLY increase.

One thing you need to worry about as the dust from the fallout settles, is protecting yourself from the MLC'er if he/she is financially irresponsible..you may think this doesn't have anything to do with this journey, but you're wrong.

This is the FIRST thing you DO need to learn..protect yourself from those who would hurt you.
A firmly set boundary in the financial area alone for now, is very important; if you do NOT have money to support yourself and your family, you will go bankrupt, and lose everything material that is necessary.

The MLC'er is NOT going to be responsible, so YOU have to be..formulate a plan, and stick with it; ESPECIALLY if there is an OW/OM involved. Neither needs your money, YOU DO.

The next thing I suggest, if you need to, see a doctor, and get a physical. Why? Because MLC takes its toll on you, and YOU are important..if need be, get some anti-depressants or something of that nature, to calm you down so you can begin to cope with what's happened. Your mind will need to be clear, as when you "get it" you will begin the journey within yourself.

Looking within yourself is one of the HARDEST things anyone can do or ever will do. I can't tell you where to start, as everyone is different, but you can start by looking in the mirror of self-honesty; UNCOVER that mirror and look hard. Anyone who says they have NEVER made ANY mistakes in their lives is LYING to themselves AND to everyone else who knows and loves them.

Be prepared to "sort" out what you see with someone you trust who understands what you are doing. A Sounding Board is really important, someone who will be honest, and straightforward; helping you to begin see the areas of change that are needed within you; also they can help you effect those changes, making them permanent.
This is important work on yourself; DON'T NEGLECT IT, don't skip over it, thinking it's not important.

In time, as you progress, you will see yourself as you really are, seeing some VERY hurtful things, things you will NOT like.


Are you still fighting the fact, that you will need to take this necessary introspection after reading this far?
I can tell you something from experience: You're only hurting YOURSELF,not anyone else; this is where the "Control lesson" one of the MOST important lessons in this life, comes into play.

The only person we can control in this life is OURSELVES, not anyone else. The MLC'er did his/her damage, sure, BUT, you cannot help him/her; accept that you can only help yourself.
That means taking the focus, such as it is, OFF the MLC'er, and putting it on YOU as the important person.

As time passes on, and you learn about YOU, beginning to fix the areas within you that need to be fixed, you will CHANGE. And for the better, NOT worse. You'll gain strength, understanding, confidence, and patience from this walk down the path toward a better YOU.

Read self help books, talk to the people on this board, do more things for yourself. Get a life that's separate from the MLC'er; get on with it..time won't stand still because this has happened; it marches on just like it always has. Don't waste it in "pity parties" or wishing for the MLC'er to come back, nor spend any more time grieving than you'll need to in order to accept this major "death" in your life...things have CHANGED, and you'll need to change right along with it.

You'll find, given time, that happiness is NOT found in another person, it is found WITHIN ourselves.

This is a PROCESS, not only a journey; and as you effect the changes within, people WILL see these changes, even the MLC'er that left you behind. Most importantly, they will affect the reactions of others toward you.

Taken properly, in time, it will no longer matter to you if your marriage makes it or doesn't, you'll find that YOU have grown stronger, see more clearly; most of all you'll know within your heart, that you WILL make it, regardless of what happens. If your marriage rebuilds itself, AND the MLC'er makes all the necessary changes he/she must make as well, it will be a bonus.

You'll find you don't really need another to "complete" you; you'll be complete within yourself, regardless.

And you'll begin to deal on your own terms, as a more mature individual for what you've done within YOU.

This is NOT a "magic pill" designed to solve ALL your problems, but it will help you cope with ongoing problems, not just in the MLC.

This process will take, TIME, you'll suffer PAIN, sometimes you will feel GUILT..other times you will feel SHAME. Don't run from them, EMBRACE them, as your attitude will be most important. You're not alone, others have gone this same route, walked this same road toward healing, and wholeness.

It is most important that when you accept all the mistakes you've made, make all the necessary changes, that really NEED to be permanent, that you FORGIVE, not only the MLC'er and anyone else who has hurt you, but YOURSELF.

Take each day as it comes, one day at a time, one step at a time, be kind to yourself, you're human, and not immune to making mistakes.

Again, this journey is for YOU, and ONLY YOU.

This is the journey of a lifetime, an opportunity for YOU, take it, and make the most of it.
« Last Edit: October 14, 2010, 11:49:54 PM by OldPilot »
Our marriage survived His MLC, with the help of the Lord.
I have learned that true strength is built through the trials we endure.
There is hope as long as you love your MLC spouse, and, are willing to learn the  life's lessons that are set before you as a result of this crisis.

Offline StillStanding

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Re: Resources: Self-Focus & Paving the Way
« Reply #23 on: November 14, 2010, 07:08:53 PM »
Everyone needs to watch this video.
It's 16 minutes, so it's a bit long for the average YouTube video, but it's worth it: "Validation" starring T.J. Thyne and Vicki Davis

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cbk980jV7Ao
Me: 45, Her: 40. Married 16 1/2 years, together(-ish) 20.
Status: BD 8/25/09, she moved out 8/28/10. No talk of D.

Every day is another chance to get it right.
http://www.vachss.com/mission/behavior.html

"Counting days won't buy us years" —Wings by HAERTS
"Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past."  —Lily Tomlin
"When we commit to our lovers, we implicitly promise to forgive them. There is no other way we can live with someone for better or worse or until death do us part." —Dr. Frederic Luskin

Offline Love being on higher grounds

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Re: Resources: Self-Focus & Paving the Way
« Reply #24 on: November 14, 2010, 07:32:21 PM »
SS,

That was AMAZING!!! So much truth in the simple things, IF you take time to notice

hugs,
L
2 years since he left... divorce was filed a year ago, nothing going on right now. Seems like he and OW are done...will take some more time! Seems comfortable being around me and the girls. Relaxed without her, but does not want me...or anyone else...all that matters are his daughters...

Devoted wife and mother.

Offline StillStanding

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Re: Resources: Self-Focus & Paving the Way
« Reply #25 on: February 25, 2011, 04:27:55 PM »
A lesson in patience and self control -- the Marshmallow Test:

http://www.youtube.com/embed/QX_oy9614HQ
Me: 45, Her: 40. Married 16 1/2 years, together(-ish) 20.
Status: BD 8/25/09, she moved out 8/28/10. No talk of D.

Every day is another chance to get it right.
http://www.vachss.com/mission/behavior.html

"Counting days won't buy us years" —Wings by HAERTS
"Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past."  —Lily Tomlin
"When we commit to our lovers, we implicitly promise to forgive them. There is no other way we can live with someone for better or worse or until death do us part." —Dr. Frederic Luskin

Offline Moving Forward

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Re: Resources: Self-Focus & Paving the Way
« Reply #26 on: February 27, 2011, 07:31:51 AM »
hello all,
I found the website below early in 2010 when I really wanted to understand how women became the OW in married men's lives. This website is all about self esteem and living within boundaries which protect and serve us.

There are so many good reads on baggae Reclaim which get me thinking about me and the role I played in (all of) my relationships and whether they are healthy or not.

I thought I'd share it with you all:-

http://www.baggagereclaim.com/

((hugs))

P
xx

Offline StillStanding

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Re: Resources: Self-Focus & Paving the Way
« Reply #27 on: May 27, 2011, 10:09:05 AM »
One explanation for why thought-stopping techniques are so useful and necessary is because there are elements of the human brain that cannot tell the difference between a hypothetical or imagined scenario and a real one.

The most obvious example would be romance novels and other erotic writing or imagery. If your body didn't react to steamy sex scenes, there would be little reason for the "adult entertainment" industry to exist, right?

On a tamer note, this example is used a lot in hypnosis and creative visualization examples; this excerpt comes from Getting Things Done by David Allen.

Quote
It appears that the nervous system can't tell the difference between a well-imagined thought and reality. To prove this to yourself, picture yourself walking into a supermarket and going over to the brightly lit fruit-and-vegetable section.

Are you there?
OK, now go to the citrus bins—oranges, grapefruits, lemons.
Now see the big pile of yellow lemons.
There's a cutting board and a knife next to them.
Take one of those big yellow lemons and cut it in half.
Smell that citrus smell!
It's really juicy, and there's lemon juice trickling onto the board.
Now take a half-lemon and cut that in half, so you have a quarter lemon wedge in your hands.
OK, now—remember how you did this as a kid?—put that quarter of a lemon in your mouth and bite into it!
Scrunch!
If you played along with me, you probably noticed that the saliva content in your mouth increased at least a bit.
Your body was actually trying to process citric acid! And it was just in your mind.

So consider this: every time you imagine your spouse and the OP together, there's a part of your brain that starts processing as if it's actually happening right now, in front of you. Who needs to deal with that kind of imagined stress on top of the already real stress in their life?
« Last Edit: May 27, 2011, 11:46:16 AM by StillStanding »
Me: 45, Her: 40. Married 16 1/2 years, together(-ish) 20.
Status: BD 8/25/09, she moved out 8/28/10. No talk of D.

Every day is another chance to get it right.
http://www.vachss.com/mission/behavior.html

"Counting days won't buy us years" —Wings by HAERTS
"Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past."  —Lily Tomlin
"When we commit to our lovers, we implicitly promise to forgive them. There is no other way we can live with someone for better or worse or until death do us part." —Dr. Frederic Luskin

Offline good4me

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Re: Resources: Self-Focus & Paving the Way
« Reply #28 on: May 27, 2011, 01:50:36 PM »
Bad visual  >:( >:(

But I completely understand what you are saying . Thanks for the information .. it's power for all the LBS here standing  :)
I made a choice to finally let go, because I can't stand the pain, it's time for my last tear to fall and smile again.

Offline Herefornow

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Re: Resources: Self-Focus & Paving the Way
« Reply #29 on: May 28, 2011, 10:13:21 AM »
I used visualization when I had cancer.  I used to visualize my big mass as a bunch of balloons and popped them one by one with a pin in my head.  This has really helped me with the LBS journey as I can now just switch off the really bad images.  I still have pity parties, but no visions of H and OW.  It takes time to really get into it, but it does work.
M 55
H 52
M 30 years
B/D  11/2010
Moved out 1/2011
Moved back 10/2011

 

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