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Author Topic: My Story Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic  (Read 2044 times)

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Offline Still Half fullTopic starter

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My Story Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« on: August 31, 2017, 06:24:15 AM »
Well I think it's clear that I'm dealing with a low contact / vanishing  / hider type of MLC H 😄 I'm starting my second thread a year after my first, not much happening here 😂

Thank you to everyone who has helped me this past year, your support and understanding has been invaluable, and I'm grateful to be able to read and learn from all the other threads

Me - I'm doing ok and I'm proud of how I've coped. I miss my marriage, my H, his family and my old life, but this new life isn't too bad.  I've got good friends and I have many more good days than bad, my health is improving and I'm doing well at work.
 
I have the marital home and all the assets, this will change if we head down the legal route, so I'm not in a rush to start that, but for now, thankfully, I'm financially secure
My social life is still lacking, I don't have any single friends or even bored married ones 😉.  We always socialised as a couple and have  many mutual friends, so this has been awkward, but it's getting less awkward and I'm having more good times with our friends.
I know I spend too much time on my own, I work from home and I don't have any family ( I find that tough, I do miss H's family ).  I try hard to find the right balance for keeping in touch with friends, I understand they have busy lives, so I don't want to make them feel guilty, but I know if I need them they'd be by there for me, they know I'm doing ok.  I don't have to fake the brave face very often now, and am usually happy when I do socialise. I've looked into Meetups, but haven't done anything like that yet, I'm lucky that I don't mind my own company
H's work has a large social element that I'm no longer involved with, even though I still work for his company. I miss that and resent that OW is going, but she won't have the same experience that I had at these events, I was liked 😉

So I think I'm doing ok 😄

Him - I haven't seen him for a year, even though he's still quite local. We've had one phone conversation and a couple of emails that weren't work related

From what I hear he has aged, he gives off the aura of being grey, and that's not just his hair 😉
I've been told he admits to being depressed and drinking too much
His social life is probably a lot better than mine, he has OW who has taken on all his interests, even though she's a lot younger and it can't be authentic.  He is vital in his business, so he has to attend all the work events which are fun, and he has a large family, but I've heard recently that his family don't see as much of him, he's either with OW or in the room above his parents garage.  Also our friends are becoming fed up that he doesn't contact them, I get the impression they're stopping trying to contact him
He has spent a lot of money but has nothing to show for it.  He has no home, no car and I recently sent him an email telling exactly how much he's had since we separated, I think this will have shocked him and I think this might send him spiralling, OW has turned out to be a very expensive 'mistake'
He's not infatuated with OW, they argue a lot, he has no respect for her, but she makes it easy for him and wants to be with him because of his job, I think she's just slightly better than being alone for him.
He refuses to talk to anyone about me, if my name is mentioned he shuts down the conversation and walks away, apparently with tears in his eyes

He thinks he's ruined his life and has to live with the consequences, I know he misses me and our old life, but he doesn't try.  His reason for his affair at BD was that he missed me while I was ill and he got bored, I was only in the bedroom 🙄

It makes me sad that he's in this mess, it frustrates me that he doesn't do anything.  I'm polite in any communication, which is usually for work and I think I've been fair.  He has told me he hasn't forgotten who I am, he remembers all the positives about me ( and probably the negatives too 😊 ) he's told me he still loves me and misses me.  He's deep in escape and avoid ( with additional hiding ), he is not a bad man, he's made some huge mistakes and is living with the consequences. I feel sorry for him but he frustrates me.  I try to keep the focus on me, I'm trying to enjoy this new life, even if it's not the one I would have chosen 🤓

( and I'm still keeping hold of my rose coloured glasses 🤓 )

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8112.msg612972#msg612972
At BD June 2015
Me - 49
MLCH - 50
No children, unfortunately
OW - yes
Together 26 years, married 23
BD - told him to leave, OW left her H, they ran away together
Nov 2015 - H left OW as he wanted to return, lived locally while we tried
April 2016 - told him it wasn't working
Aug 2016 - H seeing OW again while living with his parents 5 minutes from me
MLC H - not quite a vanishers, more a Hider, very little contact

Online Schratz66

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Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #1 on: August 31, 2017, 06:59:07 AM »
Hi Still,

Just finished your previous thread and am attaching for the new one. Haven't been in this club for long - BD was June 2017, and he left for OW in July , but like you my H does not stay in contact with me except every few weeks to pop by my desk (we work on the same property) with meaningless chatter.
I have no family or friends locally either, so I find myself relating to you and your story pretty well.
Looking forward to learning from you - Hugs
Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Online Shocked

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Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #2 on: August 31, 2017, 09:40:43 AM »
Hi SHF! Continuing on with you on our parallel paths. Your post was beautiful and your story is so similar to mine. Your health issues though  make my journey look like  a day in the park. I wish you lived near me. I need new "single" friends too. I met several other divorced woman at divorce support groups. That did help in more ways than a meet up group. Wishing you many more good days!!!🤗
I care🤗
H 51
W 58
M 22 Years
2 AD both married from my first M
BD 12/15 moved out-in replay, vanisher, MOW in Atlanta
D 2/17

Online stillbaffled

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Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #3 on: August 31, 2017, 03:43:46 PM »
Sure glad you didn't leave the rose colored glasses behind, SHF!   ;)

Wouldn't dream of missing this next portion of your journey.    :)
After all, tomorrow is another day.

Offline Mae

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Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #4 on: August 31, 2017, 05:24:27 PM »
Still, you are doing an excellent job of living your own life, I'm really impressed. This was a good summary of what's happened and where you are at.

It must be very hard to see your H a bit 'stuck', knowing he ruined what appears to have been a very good marriage and then knowing that he knows that but is unable or unwilling to try and piece it back together. That's their choice and what is there to do but accept that and move on to making your life the best one it can be.

Following along with you SB.
Me: 49
H: 40
S18, D15
Together for 19 years
BDay in 2004, 2011 and now March 5 2017
Ran away on 5 March BD
No OW
Returned home 'underdone' 1 July 2017.
Left again 22 October 2017.
H - Medicated & Zombie Like is NC

Offline Still Half fullTopic starter

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Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #5 on: September 04, 2017, 11:23:10 AM »
Hi guys, thanks for continuing with me, I'm very grateful 😊

S66 - welcome, I hope my posts and the advice I've received can help you, I've read and posted on your thread, you're so early in your journey,  it's crazy making, but it does get easier, I promise 😊


Quote
I wish you lived near me. I need new "single" friends too

Shocked - wouldn't it be great if we lived near another HS member ? no-one else truly understands

I feel lucky that I've found a treatment that helps my illness, I still have some flare ups which can last a coupe of days, but thankfully it's just debilitating rather than life threatening.  I'm not well enough to work full time, but I now appreciate my pain free days

I also think it's easier in some ways to cope with the illness now H is not around. When we tried reconnection I didn't tell him if I had an attack, because around BD he'd made me embarrassed about being ill, I felt guilty when I had an attack, that wasn't a good way to rebuild a relationship

( those rose coloured specs are still firmly in place 🤓 )

SB - as always, thank you, I'm grateful for your support and pleased I have you beside me on this dreadful journey 🤓

Mae - thanks for joining me, it doesn't matter how well we think we're doing, a reminder from someone who understands is always very welcome and comforting, thank you 😊


I've been back and read all my first thread ( and apart from realising that I repeat myself 😂, sorry, I think that's because I don't post often so feel like I need to recap, I'll try to stop doing that ) I'm surprised that nothing has changed with him,  I haven't seen him, he hasn't done anything, I can't believe a year has passed and he's in exactly the same position 🙄

I think I've progressed though 🤓 not much, but I'm definitely stronger, not just pretending like I was back then

Also, I spent some time with a 'friend' who had an affair, I have been friends with both her and her H for over 20 years, and she came to me when her A was first discovered.  She absolutely drained me at the time, and I had to step back after a few months when she started rewriting history to justify her A, they are separated and heading towards divorce.

This meeting was eye opening, it's 12 months since her A was discovered and she is still so selfish, blaming her H, it was hard to keep my cool, but she's so self absorbed I doubt she noticed or heard when I disagreed with her.  Her justification really got my head spinning.  She isn't having MLC, maybe a MLT but what she was saying helped me to see what my H might be thinking.  It's hard to see someone you think you knew changing history to justify and make themselves feel better 😳.

I didn't sleep a wink the night after we met, my brain was spinning.  I might be a bit short of single friends, but she's not someone I want to spend time with.  My own journey has definitely made me stronger, I'm not wasting time on thoughtless, selfish people, well that's the intention, but I know if she needs me I'll probably try to be there for her, I'm just not going to get drawn in to her warped thinking 😊


At BD June 2015
Me - 49
MLCH - 50
No children, unfortunately
OW - yes
Together 26 years, married 23
BD - told him to leave, OW left her H, they ran away together
Nov 2015 - H left OW as he wanted to return, lived locally while we tried
April 2016 - told him it wasn't working
Aug 2016 - H seeing OW again while living with his parents 5 minutes from me
MLC H - not quite a vanishers, more a Hider, very little contact

Offline Seeshell7

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Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #6 on: September 04, 2017, 11:40:42 AM »
Attaching and finding inspiration from your story.
I agree, people who have affairs are not people we need as friends.
:)

Offline Still Half fullTopic starter

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Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #7 on: September 13, 2017, 04:49:42 PM »
The stuff that knocks you for six is still surprising me

Today when I went to my new dentist and they asked for an emergency contact, the tears came, it was so embarrassing. I don't have an emergency person

I'm struggling to sleep, the thoughts I can't get out of my head - who's going to arrange my funeral ? If I'm involved in an accident and get badly hurt, who's going to make the difficult decisions ?

I have no next of kin other than broken H

I know I'm being ridiculous, but I can't stop the crazy thoughts and I'm sad, I'm alone, I've got some great friends but you can't expect even lifelong friends to make these decisions. I have got some half siblings, but they've only known me a few years, my father left when I was one, so I've no relationship with him, lost my mum and my in-laws feel uncomfortable about keeping in touch because my H is acting crazy

Argghh, where's this come from????

I've never thought about any of this before because I had a wonderful partner / husband / best friend. I felt safe and he was practical, level headed, supportive, loving and kind, I was too and most of the time I still am, but night time is crazy town in my head

I'm trying to come off some medication, so I hope that's the side effects which have sent me down this stupid spiral
At BD June 2015
Me - 49
MLCH - 50
No children, unfortunately
OW - yes
Together 26 years, married 23
BD - told him to leave, OW left her H, they ran away together
Nov 2015 - H left OW as he wanted to return, lived locally while we tried
April 2016 - told him it wasn't working
Aug 2016 - H seeing OW again while living with his parents 5 minutes from me
MLC H - not quite a vanishers, more a Hider, very little contact

Online stillbaffled

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Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #8 on: September 13, 2017, 06:40:58 PM »
SHF - you are having a tough time right now with some of your thoughts.   I wish I had an answer to give you that would appease the swirling that's going on in your head. 

I guess my suggestion would be to get a will made out, as well as a health directive.  You could then at least let a few friends know that you have things taken care of and where they could/would find these items. 

It's hard when we think about things in the future.  It's something I keep putting off and I know I shouldn't.  I don't have a will made out.  I don't have a health care directive.  I don't have funeral plans made.  I get weary thinking about doing those things and so I continue to shove them on a back burner. 

Hopefully the coming off the medication is some of the cause of this and you'll be able to once again find those rose colored glasses that look so good on you. 

Sending support and a big cyber hug. 
After all, tomorrow is another day.

Offline Mae

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Re: Still trying to be strong, but it feels more authentic
« Reply #9 on: September 13, 2017, 07:25:36 PM »
Sorry you are having a tough time of it Still. It must be surprising when you think you are coping with everything (and you are) but then something or several things happen that put you back into a downward cycle. But for every bad day there must be so many more good or better days.

I remember having to go to our local gym to cancel my H's gym membership and they wanted a reason and I had to put, no longer lives in Timbactu........I held it together just long enough to escape from the front desk before the tears came.

Our lives have been totally upended and being reminded of that every once in a while feels like a setback....but it isn't a setback, it just means you are processing a bit more, healing a bit more. It's a good thing even though it feels anything but good.
Me: 49
H: 40
S18, D15
Together for 19 years
BDay in 2004, 2011 and now March 5 2017
Ran away on 5 March BD
No OW
Returned home 'underdone' 1 July 2017.
Left again 22 October 2017.
H - Medicated & Zombie Like is NC


 

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