[bluerose]

  Can someone link these threads please.  I still dont know how.

Previous Thread: http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9582

[stillbaffled]

Thanks for getting us started on the next thread, BR. 

[Treasur]

Good to have a little special support space here...

engagewithlove posted "this is exactly my issue. As soon as he walked out on me after 22 yrs I instinctively knew that there was something wrong with him.. but as time goes by the voices in my head start to doubt and question whether this is really MLC or if he really is just happier in his new life. I have to keep reminding of myself of how this has all gone down, that he really has followed the MLC script, and that he is not acting like a normal adult. "

I am often very grateful that I have been saved from some of the in your face crazy stuff I've read about here. I am sometimes a bit envious of the glimmers of connection that I read about too.

I do think that with a vanisher/distant contacter, it is much easier to doubt it is MLC and easier for other people to see it as a 'normal' situation where someone has just run off to make a happier life in a new relationship. It isn't normal healthy adult behaviour, that's true, but there are lots of reasons why people behave badly. So, do I know it's MLC? To be honest, I can't...I think so because of the scale of change from the person I knew, how long the crazy has run on and some of his self-destructive behaviour in his own life that has no link to me. But do I know for sure? No. I guess the only way to know will be looking back in a few year's time and/or if he reappears to talk about it in a way which fits the pattern. But right now, I can't know for sure.

What can I know? I know this isn't normal - not for who my H was or for normal healthy people. I know that it isn't about me because nothing I did made any difference. I know it wasn't about our marriage because there was nothing big or bad enough to warrant this kind of crazy. I know he's left me, my marriage is dead and I'm pretty sure he's never coming back so I can only move forward on my own with no answers. I know he doesn't want to talk to me, explain or show any interest or concern about me, even if I don't know why. I know that, right or wrong, healthy or not, he thinks is best for him and his life...and he's ok enough with the collateral damage to me and anyone else to keep doing it. And he does have the right to shape his own life, even if I don't like it, agree with how he's done it or feel frustrated by how much it has affected me. I have no idea if he is happy or not, feels guilty or not, loves me or not, has regrets or not. But his actions look like someone who does not want to be with me and does not care about my wellbeing at all, and with silence, I can only go by his actions.

So where does that leave me? With a husband who ran away from me and his life for unknown reasons. A mystery story. A dead marriage. A lost husband. On my own dealing with the rubble. Protecting myself from someone who does not care about my needs and is a risk to my wellbeing while I have any link to him. Moving forward from here regardless. Free to make my own choices about what I think happened, why, how I feel about it/him/the past and how I let that shape my future. Feeling a bit hurt, lonely, humiliated, resentful and bewildered still. Accepting what I can't know. Expecting to never see him again. Open-minded that time will tell and I may someday know things I can't know now. Sad. Missing my beloved H sometimes but not sure if that H still exists or how to reconcile old H and this H. Divorced. Still here. Battered but not broken. And it took me two sloooow years to get here!

[Treasure]

Attaching.
And agreeing with treasur. X

[engagewithlove]

Hugs Treasur.
Your words of wisdom have helped me enormously over the past 10 months. I'm about a year behind you but am already thinking that my H is lost forever... or at least by the time he wakes up it will Be too late.

I do think that if your gut instinct is it's MLC then you're probably right.

[Tyks]

Engagedwithlove

Our timelines are similar
Aug 2016 ilybinilwy ... i kicked him out due to finding out about ea
April 2017 legally separated
Dec 2017 house sold

Seems like an awfully fast pace to end 22 years, huh?

[engagewithlove]

Exactly Tyks. The speed at which he can seem to completely wipe me from his thoughts is one thing I'm still getting my head around.

[Treasur]

I guess - if we wear our special Christmas Hats of Loving Logic - we know it isn't possible for them to wipe us out actually. They might act as if it is, but too many years and too many shared memories to erase. So, it's hidden somewhere...or hurts too much to look at. But, unless our spouses genuinely are playing a role in the Invasion of The Bodysnatchers  ...no, it isn't possible. We're in there somewhere.

[Shocked]

Thank you Treasur for saying exactly what I’m thinking and feeling... again!!!!! One of my healing struggles has been the inability to put my thoughts and feelings in words. I’m more a numbers person than a wordsmith. And what I know to be true this was not normal there has been a major change in my xH. All the uninhibited and self destructive behaviors. The two most flagrant are spending so much money so secretively and smoking cigarettes.I am also part of the was married 22 years club. And the world thought the seven year itch was going to be the problem!! Being here with my fellow LBS of vanishers is my safest spot on earth. Your understanding and knowing there is a place to get feedback based on this situation is invaluable!!!🤗

[kasss]

Hello from East Europe! Thank you all, it is absolutely fantastc and helpful for me to know, that I am not alone with this madness. I am the member of 22 year club too! It is crazy, how every simpelest thing is same: all words, acting like a teenager, avoiding.. i do not even exist anymore, he cannot say my name, says only mother, if he says something about about money to my son.
Today he broyught my son back from basketball practice, two sons cassmates were too in car. Then somebody suddenly drived to wrong way, my h shouted loud and used this kind words he never did before. My son sayed, that he was so shamed, friends were just looking and were very scared! They asked later, what is wrong with your father, why he is so angry!
It is like neverending nightmare. I want it to stop, i want to talk to my h, but it is impossible, I do not exist for his mind anymore. Is there any possibility, that they wake up and see, that this kind of behavior is totally wrong?
I am sorry, my english is bad, I hope that You can understand something. Thank You!