Author Topic: My Story Only Time Will Tell  (Read 2403 times)

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Offline FaithWalkerTopic starter

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My Story Only Time Will Tell
« on: January 03, 2018, 03:13:26 PM »
Thread #8 brought to you courtesy of Asia...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lza2H-fj5Es

Previous thread:

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9588.0

2018...just past 2 year mark for BD.  Not the same intense pain at BD, but still healing.  Still cycling, still pushing forward.  This type of grief definitely leaves a permanent scar upon your soul.

So...in 2016 my word was COURAGE.  This word is still dear to me and I keep it as one of my top.
2017 I chose the phrase BE INTENTIONAL.  Trying to do things with intention, whether it was to rest and take time for me, or to cherish the phase that I am in with my children.
2018 words is PASSION.  I don't know what this looks like yet.

I'm still working my way through the book by Ann Voskamp, called The Broken Way.  Today in my reading I came across this phrase by Max Lucado...

If today were your last, would you do what you're doing?
Or would you love more, give more, forgive more?
Then do so!
Forgive and give as if it were your last opportunity.
Love like there's no tomorrow, and if tomorrow comes, love again.

I love this, and I want to live this!

I have really, really tried not to build a wall around my heart, and yet, I think that there is one there...at least a shield that I put up sometimes at my convenience.  It's hard for me to take risks, and I sometimes keep reservations, but my goal is to work hard on healing that wound of rejection so that I can be free to put my whole heart into those things that I do.  I'm not talking about dating, or getting out there in that way, I am just talking about throwing myself into life unreservedly.  With passion!

I am still working through so many emotions, and anger is still there.  I have to work through that still.  I have forgiven for BD.  What I am working through now is 2017, the R with the new girl, the running away to other State and dropping the kids like a hot potato, the selfish, selfish choices.  So... there is still mirror work to do.  I have to work on letting that anger go.  Standing is so very, very hard when the person you are seeing is not someone that you would be remotely interested in as a partner if it weren't for the fact that we were united as one flesh and I need to remember that what I am standing for, what I am fighting for, is the vision that I saw of his future self.  If that vision comes true, that is a future self that I can take pride in.  Right now, I am dealing with a lot of disappointment, and trying not to let it become resentment.

A word that I have been given that I had shelved, is Ezer Kenegdo and I'm going to be studying on this more.

2018 needs to be a year of preparing myself for something that could happen this year.  I have hope.  And I realize that I am not ready.  I'm not there yet.  I don't know that I would be ready to receive him if he were to show up on my doorstep today.

I hope this makes sense.  My mind is a jumbled mess right now, lots of thoughts and feeling's swirling around in there.
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9711.0

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline heroIam

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Re: Only Time Will Tell
« Reply #1 on: January 03, 2018, 03:15:20 PM »
Hi FW.
I love that saying.
Following along with you....
“In the end, you’ve got to be your own hero because everyone’s busy trying to save themselves.”

Offline Strongcurrent

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Re: Only Time Will Tell
« Reply #2 on: January 04, 2018, 01:38:18 AM »
FW

Nice opening post for the new year ... In essence it sounds like you are making positive steps for yourself.

Like you at this stge I have no real desire to date - deep down I guess I never want to  be vulnerable to the hurt and pain that I endured due to the rejection of the man I once loved.

Take care

SC x

Offline No expectations

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Re: Only Time Will Tell
« Reply #3 on: January 04, 2018, 06:37:05 AM »
Welcome to your new thread,  Faith!  Looking forward to continuing with you on your adventures and your passion  ;)
Married 10 1/2 years, together 17.  BD 9/2016, 2nd BD 10/16.  H moved out 10/16.  2 AS's from my first M.  Me 55, H 49.  OW 23.

"And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through; how you managed to survive.  You won't even be sure if the storm is really over.  But one thing is certain; when you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person that walked in...that's what this storm is all about."

"The trick is to enjoy life.  Don't wish away your days, waiting for better ones."

Offline Acorn

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Re: Only Time Will Tell
« Reply #4 on: January 04, 2018, 11:23:26 AM »
Following along, FW.
May 2018 be the year you live with passion each day!
Feb 2015: H has a Nuclear meltdown.  A tear-fest.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Still home

Offline FaithWalkerTopic starter

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Re: Only Time Will Tell
« Reply #5 on: January 04, 2018, 12:23:16 PM »
Hello Here, SC, NoEx and Acorn!  Glad to have you aboard.

Not much to post about today.  My nephew 13 came over to spend the night with S12 yesterday, and is still here.  We were all going to go see the Greatest Showman but that has been postponed until tomorrow I think.

I am meeting S17's step-mom for coffee at 2:30.  Her motive is that she wants to discuss plans for our mutual graduation party at her and S17's F's large home across town.  We did a party for his 16th birthday there, and it went really well.  My M and B's family were in attendance as well as a bunch of his F's family, and also MLCer and his parents.  It was 2 months after the D was final and I was not sure how it was going to go.  My M and MIL cried and hugged together in a corner.  My M sat with my FIL for a while.  I had a lovely talk with S17's F's Mom, and there was 0 drama, just everyone having a good time, other than the tender moments between the mom's and my moment with S17's Grandmother on his F's side, who would have been my MIL if we had married when I was pregnant with S17.  I would have never guessed that we could all be together like that.  Everyone was very cordial and in fact, looked happy to visit with each other.  Even MIL and S17's grandmother, who hadn't seen much of each other over the years.  We did a mutual birthday party when S17 turned 2, but then after that, things turned really frustrating and chaotic between us (partly) and so we did our own parties years 3-15.

Anyway, we shall see how it goes.  I have forgiven them.  MLCer and I attended a birthday party for S17 a few months after he turned 15 over at their home.  That would have been in August of 2015, right before things went south.  It was "Forgiveness Sunday" on the calendar and an invitation had been extended to us.  We all decided to bury the hatchet then and there.  I can't remember when I finally trusted step-mom enough to accept her friendship on FB, but it's been a gradual thing.  She wasn't necessarily the OW, but there was a bit of a betrayal between friends there, back when I was pregnant with S17.
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9711.0

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline Dew

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Re: Only Time Will Tell
« Reply #6 on: January 04, 2018, 02:06:21 PM »
FW, I seem to have missed a lot of threads while I was away here. A lot of things have happened. Courage indeed you have, passion I wish you for this year, having the nerve to really be yourself is a wonderful thing. Not taking things personal from the four agreements helps to reveal the real and passionate you. Hugs!
Acceptance doesn't mean resignation; it means understanding that something is what it is and that there's got to be a way through it.
My happiness grows in direct proportion to my acceptance, and in inverse proportion to my expectations.
(Both < Michael J Fox)

Offline FaithWalkerTopic starter

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Re: Only Time Will Tell
« Reply #7 on: January 04, 2018, 06:09:53 PM »
Hi there Dew, glad to have you aboard.

Thank you for the reminder about the four agreements.

So, visit with S17's step-mom went very well.  We are going to do a lot of collaboration on S17's party.  We were able to discuss some other things as well, and she also gave me a bit of her perspective on the girl that S17 has been "seeing."  I have only briefly met her once, but step-mom's brother is dating her mother, and they live together, so she has a bit more on her situation, and it seems as if maybe she is playing a bit of a game with S17.  I am trying not to get involved, but I guess that step-mom has been texting her and asking her to stop jerking him around.

Warning:  *Sensitive material below - read at your own risk*

We've had a big trauma here this afternoon.  Since S12 chored his and D15's rabbits yesterday, I asked D15 to chore them today as S12 was being dropped off with nephew 13 at his house while I met with step-mom.  When S12 and I got back, D15 hadn't done it yet, but I reminded her again and she went right out there.  She came back in and looked sickly.  She burst into tears and said that she thinks that S12's rabbit is dead.  Either that or sleeping.  Of course we have never seen the rabbits sleep and so I knew that the worst had happened.  I went out and took stock myself and sure enough, rigor mortis had set in.  He passed away sometime between yesterday and today.  He still had all of his food and most of his water so I don't think neglect got him, and it wasn't old age, as he's just a couple weeks away from turning 5.  There's no sign of trauma, and I saw him the day before as I chore them when the kids are gone.  My guess is maybe a black widow, though I did not see any sign of one.  I've never really had to deal with a dead pet on my own before, so I am pretty traumatized.  After the shock had wore off a bit and I was faced with what to do with him, I started deeply sobbing in the kitchen.  He was a beautiful, soft mini-rex and S12 used to show him for 4h.  They have been a bit neglected in the past 2 years, when S12 and D15 chose to stop showing them at the fair, but basic needs and comforts have been provided.  S12 seems stoic.  I seem to be more saddened then everyone.

I reached out to my best friend and she offered their small pet cemetary for his burial.  We are so touched by this, as my little bitty yard here in the midst of the city doesn't seem like a good place, and I cannot, CANNOT just dump him in the dumpster.  S17 came outside, but we discovered him 5 minutes before he was due to leave for work, so I shooed him away and told him to go ahead and go to work.  I came inside, had a few more deep heart-wrenching sobs, that just well up from deep in your gut.  I put on my brave face and with heavy leaf bag in hand, and protection for my hands, I set out to get him out of his cage.  You would think growing up on a farm that I could handle this, but I had 3 older brothers and 1 younger and was always super sensitive to the death of an animal.  I'm blubbering again as I type.   :'(  I tried to pretend that he was a stuffed animal and disassociate myself from the act of wrapping him in the trash bag.  I placed him in am Amazon box and secured him outside where he should be safe.  We have seen cats roaming around but the presence and smell of our dog in the yard seems to deter most from coming over the fence.  We will go to friend's house tomorrow and have a small ceremony for him.  Her H doesn't think that the ground is frozen too much and that we should be able to bury him.  Unusually strange for January in Colorado.

We have had to endure the death of our dog before, but the kids were napping when he passed, and they were pretty young at the time.  They did come down and say their last goodbyes, but his body was still warm.  I was very grateful for hubby who came back from work just after he passed and took charge.  He wept over him and then took the next day off and drove with his F up to the family cabin and buried him.  We've been to visit his grave a few times since then.

Part of my weeping was over having to do this alone, I think.  I have debated whether I should text MLCer and give him a heads up, since it is S12's pet, or just let him find out from relatives when I do a RIP post on FB.  I have a lovely photo of S12 laying on his stomach on the floor looking out the window of our old house with bunny perched on his back looking out as well.  H took the picture a few years ago.  We used to let the rabbits in to run around every day for about 30 minutes when we lived at the old house.  We had laminate flooring throughout the living areas and was an easy clean-up if they made a mess.  They were actually very comical as they liked to chase the cat and dog around, which were the same size.

Thank you for being here my LBS friends.  I am grateful for your comfort tonight.
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9711.0

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline moc

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Re: Only Time Will Tell
« Reply #8 on: January 04, 2018, 10:09:22 PM »
FW: I am so sorry the passing of the rabbit hit you so hard.  In my opinion, your MLCer can find out other ways.  I would not text him at all.  He USED TO BE a comfort years ago, but he is no more.  Lean on your children, family and friends.  Take comfort in us here.  The loss of a pet is a loss of a family member.  Cry it out as much as you can.

Peace be with you!
M: 47
W: 45
S15 & S11 [from MLCer1]
BD#1: 9/2017
BD#2: 11/2017
no D filed, not seeking action at this time
Separated: 12/2017
OM: EAs up to at least 5 now.  Not sure on PAs.

Offline FaithWalkerTopic starter

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Re: Only Time Will Tell
« Reply #9 on: January 04, 2018, 10:33:18 PM »
Thank you moc.  I sat down to dinner and realized that I hadn't flipped over my daily calendar.  Today it said "Don't let anger fester for too long. Make the first move toward reconciliation."  I took that as a sign that I should reach out and text him, so that he would be aware before S12 goes back over to his home.  I did not ask for his help in any way, and he did not offer, but he did respond that he thought that was sad and that he hoped we were all doing okay.  I replied with a simple thank you.

I feel at peace with this.  Seeing as it was S12's rabbit.

The simple text I sent was straight forward and to the point.  A far cry from the frantic phone call I made to him when our dog got sick and I didn't know what to do.  He was prepared to immediately rush home from work early  and take him to the vet hospital, but sadly the dog passed on a little before he arrived.  It was very hard for me as the dog lay his head in my lap as he passed.  The way that he took charge and took the next day off as well to take care of all the details has me remembering a good memory of him, in spite of the pain of that day.

Today, instead, I called my brother, and texted with my best friend. 

I don't generally drink my cares away, but I did pour a glass of bubbly with dinner tonight, a bottle that was left over from NYE.  Tomorrow we will get through the burial, and move forward with a positive mindset that 2018 is still going to be a great year.

M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9711.0

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."


 

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