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Author Topic: My Story Only Time Will Tell  (Read 2402 times)

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Offline FaithWalkerTopic starter

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My Story Re: Only Time Will Tell
« Reply #130 on: February 11, 2018, 12:31:09 AM »
Some personality research came up on my FB memories to myself today.  I thought it was interesting to re-read it.  I know with MLC, the trainwreck that followed would have happened anyway, but it is still interesting to read about our personalities and how the two go together.

"This is a classic case of "opposites attracting" and is a common combination.  He is drawn to the peaceful, calm, and good-natured temperament in me, while I am drawn to his energy and take-charge temperament, the one who comes up with all the activities and moves the relationship along.  I will be the relationship oriented partner, while he will focus more on "doing."  At first, I learn to enjoy many new activities introduced by him, but later I can become resentful if my vote never counts.  Beware of overloading me with too many social or stressful activities, which he may easily thrive on but will tire me out.

He probably enjoyed the feeling of running the show when first dating; but after a while, my natural tendency to passivity can begin to annoy him.  He needs to be careful not to take over every aspect of the relationship -- deciding what to do, what movies we like, and what friends to have.  Although I may go along with him, I may become resentful if my own deep (and often unstated) wishes are never acknowledged.

Overcome the temptation to just let him do whatever he wants all the time.  I should learn to express my feelings, too, and not use passive-aggressive tactics to get what I want.  Be aware that, while willing to follow his lead, I need to develop my own interests.  He should encourage me by positive motivation, and respect.  One danger is that neither partner will reveal our deepest feelings, so it will be imperative to take time out to get to know each other intimately.  Take the time to sit down at a peaceful, romantic dinner and take the time necessary to explore each other's goals and desires and deepest feelings within the context of loving support.

Personality Compatibility Match
We are a good couple to demonstrate that you don't have to be a similar temperament or personality type in order to be happy together.

Personality compatibility is not about being similar in nature, it is about being able to co-exist in harmony.  You don't need to avoid certain types of personality just because you seem to be as different as day and night.  Instead, you have to learn about strong and weak points of both sides, and turn your weaknesses into advantages. 

Despite the fact that we are very different, we are often drawn to each other from the very first time we meet and it is thought to be because our opposite qualities complement for each other.

Our problem solving skills are a good example of how opposites attract -- with my web thinking, I tend to ruminate about the issue at hand, but never solve it.  I see it from so many different angles, and can think of so many facets of the problem, that I just never get to resolving it.  From the complete other side of the spectrum, he is fast at making decisions, but is likely to do that skipping over the secondary data altogether.  Together, however, we prove to be a very effective team because we have these complementary qualities.

The same applies with our social skills!  Between all types of personality, he is the least compassionate.  He is emotionally contained and may be even blunt.  I, however, with my empathy, emotional expressiveness and drive to please others will smooth that away.  It would seem that we both admire each other for these difference and will mean that our conversations will always be interesting.  He will impress me by the depth of his knowledge of a particular subject, while I will blow him away by my ability to see "the bigger picture."

My personality always tries to read people, and will have the enjoyable experience to decipher him -- it is so easy!  He will love the warmth of me; my acceptance and compassion.

I will admire him for his ability to act freely and independently.  He will pay his respects also by admiring my amiability.  If we see something that is worthy of pursuit in our relationship, nothing will ever stop us.  We are capable of reaching the extreme connection and intimacy with each other but the only difference is that he will be less verbal about it.

Sure enough, problems could arise even here.  He is emotionally contained -- his ideal is to be logical and efficient.  He doesn't confess love very often and this could disappoint sentimental me who will try to interpret his behavior and always end up interpreting it wrongly.  By thinking that the connection is lost, I start to feel unloved.  However he will begin to feel as if he has been completely misunderstood.

He admires self-control.  If I start to overreact, becoming a drama queen, he will get seriously annoyed and become even more unavailable than he already seemed to be.

Nevertheless, the personality compatibility is great here and we could make an exciting match if we manage to overcome our difficulties.

Me:  I tend to be easy going, unobtrusive, and low energy.  I am the most diplomatic of the four personality types and avoid confrontation when possible.  Due to my ability to blend in with my surroundings, I am the easiest of all the temperaments to get overlooked.  However, I am reliable, a great listener, and am always ready to lend a helping hand in my own quiet way.

He:  He is the most intense of all the personality types.  He's high-energy and always on a mission.  He makes quick decisions, is confident, and has been known to run over people who get in his way.  He is fiercely loyal and tends to approach life from a practical angle.  At work he is the mover and shaker, and he tends to attack life with goals and gusto.

The Attraction
I am happy to move quietly through life without making too many decisions or demands.  On the other hand, he lives for the chance to decide things and take control.  These traits for us are a natural match; he naturally fits into the leadership role and I am happy to let it happen and function more as a support person.

The Challenges
After years of marriage, the greatest challenge comes down to "relational" vs "task oriented."  I am a relational person who does not share his unending pursuit of finding and completing projects.  I much prefer to get things done in a relaxed manner (or better yet, with a "tomorrow" attitude) while he has a laser focus until the mission is accomplished.  He gets frustrated with my "stop and smell the roses" approach.  On the other hand, he frustrates me when I want to connect over a cup of coffee on the back patio and he's running a hundred miles an hour on the treadmill!  Seriously, only his personality would choose to start the day sweating on a machine.  My personality type likes to ease into their day...he has his day planned before his feet touch the ground in the morning, and when he does roll out of bed, he is already moving at the speed of light.

Despite our difference, we could learn to operate pretty well as a couple.  I could appreciate his mission-minded approach to life when he brings something from the store because I mentioned I wanted it, or how good it would taste.  Or when he cleans out the science experiments growing in the refrigerator when I don't get around to cleaning it because "tomorrow" never comes in my world for such tasks.  He needs to learn that I cannot process as much information at one time as is his custom and that I will probably never get tasks completed with the speed and efficiency as him.  It's all part of understanding our personalities.

More on our temperaments
His temperament is practical and rational.  He is prone to anger, irritability, and impatience.  He is a doer and a leader.  He has a lot of ambition, energy, and passion, and tries to instill it in others.  He can dominate people of other temperaments, especially mine.  On the negative side, he is easily angered or bad tempered.

My temperament is very sensitive, peaceful, soft and considerate.  I usually make strong emotional connections with my loved ones, and I suffer deeply from a sense of abandonment if my relationships do not work out.  I tend to be hurt emotionally and I am usually sad and tearful.  I am worse when exposed to too much excitement, over stimulated, and when forced to do things in a hurry.

I am calm and unemotional.  While I am generally self-content and kind, my shy personality can often inhibit enthusiasm in others and make myself lazy and resistant to change.  I am very consistent, relaxed, rational, curious, and observant, making me a good administrator or diplomat.  My personality type has many friends, and because I am more reliable and compassionate, I typically am a very dependable friend.

He is a born leader, strong willed, active, dynamic, decisive, not easily discouraged, unemotional, independent, self-sufficient, confident, with a compulsive need for change & to correct wrongs, and he can run anything.

At work he is goal oriented, he sees the whole picture, seeks practical solutions, quickly moves into action, delegates, organizes well, insists on production, stimulates activity and thrives on opposition.

As a friend, he has less need for friends as other temperaments.

He'll work for group activity, lead, organize, and he excels in emergencies.

He is usually right.

But, he can't be rocking all the time, so:

First of all, he doesn't think there is anything wrong with him.  He thinks he is always right, so he can't be wrong.

He will probably think the following aren't even weaknesses.

He is impatient, impetuous, inflexible, unsympathetic, bossy, quick tempered, dominating, and too busy.

He can't relax, he won't let others relax, he likes to argue, he won't give up when he is losing, he won't admit he is wrong, and basically he comes on too strong.

In the workplace, he has little intolerance for mistakes, and he doesn't compliment others instead he is rude and tactless, he makes rash decisions by glossing over details (unless he has a bit of the melancholy temperament), he is manipulative and demanding.

As a friend he tends to use people, dominate, decide for others, know everything, think he can do everything better than everyone else, be unapologetic, and be too independent.

But seriously, he is freaking awesome.  The rest of us are just irritated that he makes us wrong and doesn't realize that he is annoying us.  We love him, we need him.

He makes EVERYTHING happen and without him we just sit around doing nothing, or planning, or leaping into things and not finishing.

All we ask is that he try to understand us and let us be right too.  Once he learns to accept how others are different than him, he can more easily get us to do what he wants.

And as for me...I have:

The stability to stay straight on the course.
The patience to put up with provokers.
The ability to listen, while others have their say.
The gift of mediation, uniting opposing forces.
The purpose of peace at almost any price.
The compassion to comfort those hurting.
The will to live in such a way that even my enemies can't find anything bad to say about me.

Here's what's great about me:

I am easy going, easy to get along with, relaxed, consistent, patient, well-balanced, calm, cool, collected, a good listener, quiet but witty, sympathetic, kind, I keep my emotions hidden, I am happily reconciled to life, and I am an all purpose person.

At work I am competent, steady, peaceful, agreeable, I avoid conflict, mediate problems, lead by consensus, and I don't get that pressured.

As a friend I am pleasant, enjoyable, compassionate, concerned, inoffensive, a good listener with a dry sense of humor.

And here is how I suck at my worst:

I am unenthusiastic, fearful, worried, indecisive, selfish, shy, reticent, self-righteous, too compromising and I avoid responsibility.

At work I am not goal oriented, lacking in self-motivation, hard to get moving, resentful of being pushed, lazy, careless, discouraging & I have a quiet will of iron.

As a friend I dampen enthusiasm, stay un-involved, am indifferent, unexciting, judgemental, sarcastic, teasing & I resist change.

But I am still totally awesome, and everyone has their flaws.  At least I am not bossy and tell everybody what to do all the time, right?  Right."










 
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9711.0

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline MyBrainIsBroken

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Re: Only Time Will Tell
« Reply #131 on: February 13, 2018, 06:43:54 PM »
No offense intended, but it sounds to me like it would be relaxing to be around you, exhausting to be around him.

Offline Acorn

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Re: Only Time Will Tell
« Reply #132 on: February 14, 2018, 04:42:16 AM »
An interesting post re opposites attract.  I read somewhere on HB’s site that in normal circumstances opposites attract.  In MLC situations where ‘normal’ is thrown out the window, this conventional wisdom gets thrown out as well.  Hence, similar attracts.  I.e. broken attracts broken.  MLCer and OW...

When I was reading your ‘greats’ and ‘worst’, I read them as your personality, rather than positives and negatives.  You are good as is IMHO...  It’s good to occasionally reflect on what makes ‘me’ and we all have things about ourselves that we would like to improve on. Nonethless, we ARE good enough here and now.  On this VD, FW, go and love yourself to the moon and back. You are beautiful and precious just as you are...
(((((((HUGS)))))))))))
Feb 2015: H has a Nuclear meltdown.  A tear-fest.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Still home

Offline FaithWalkerTopic starter

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Re: Only Time Will Tell
« Reply #133 on: February 16, 2018, 12:35:33 PM »
No offense intended, but it sounds to me like it would be relaxing to be around you, exhausting to be around him.

Aww thanks!

An interesting post re opposites attract.  I read somewhere on HB’s site that in normal circumstances opposites attract.  In MLC situations where ‘normal’ is thrown out the window, this conventional wisdom gets thrown out as well.  Hence, similar attracts.  I.e. broken attracts broken.  MLCer and OW...

When I was reading your ‘greats’ and ‘worst’, I read them as your personality, rather than positives and negatives.  You are good as is IMHO...  It’s good to occasionally reflect on what makes ‘me’ and we all have things about ourselves that we would like to improve on. Nonethless, we ARE good enough here and now.  On this VD, FW, go and love yourself to the moon and back. You are beautiful and precious just as you are...
(((((((HUGS)))))))))))

I definitely saw that normal thrown out the window with his choice in OW's. 

Thank you Acorn, you're right, we are GOOD ENOUGH.  Reading my list of flaws, persay, and seeing that they are just part of my personality really did help me be easier on myself for those traits.

Journaling
V-Day was less emotional this year than the last 2, by far.  I focused on my co-worker, and that helped.  We shared some chocolate covered strawberries and kept pretty busy at work with all our kids going to parties and the like in their classrooms.  After work, we shared an appetizer and each had a Blueberry Pineapple Margarita.  Had a great time with lots of LBS conversation.  I insisted on paying for our meal/drinks and she took the time to thank me again later in a text about how much our time together really helped her get through the day.  The rest of the night was busy between getting kids to youth group and taking my class at Church, so it actually blew by with 0 tears. 

Yesterday I was off work, so I did some cleaning and then made some cookies from scratch to take to my ladies Bible Study.  The kids asked if I was going to leave any for them and I told them, "of course I made extra for you to have one too."  They were heart shaped peanut butter cookies with a homemade peanut butter-butter cream frosting, crumbled with Reeses PB cup miniatures and drizzled in chocolate.

Today I am off work again and S12 is home too.  S17 wasn't supposed to be home, but when he got to school, he discovered that his backpack had been stolen out of his car sometime between after school yesterday and this morning.  He forgot to lock his car yesterday, I think.  When I got dropped off by my ride from the Bible Study around 9:15pm, I was startled by a guy dressed all in black and wearing a black beanie who sort of popped up out of nowhere.  He had just appeared on the other side of my neighbor's car which is parked next to my son's and looked like he was walking the other way when he abruptly turned and rapidly started walking toward me.  I was carrying my pans from the cookies and turned into my alcove at my townhouse and knocked on the door for the kids while watching my back at the same time as he just was very weird acting.  He did have a black backpack on his back.  So after S17 said that, I was wondering if maybe he had been between the cars and my arrival stopped him from rummaging through S17's car more.  Anyway, he had gotten to school late this morning, and then discovered that, so he had turned around and come back home, just to be sure he hadn't brought the thing inside.  After thoroughly checking the house and car again, he says he remembered taking his book out of the backpack on the back seat and leaving it in the car.  Anyway, I don't know if that was coincidence or not, but regardless, the backpack is gone.  There really wasn't much valuable in it, other than his math calculator.  He had his phone, keys, wallet, etc.  They did not take the $20 he left lying on his seat and his zip pouch with gift cards in it that was in his console.  That's why I think they were startled away.  Hopefully he uses this as a lesson to lock his car up!

I should probably call the non-emergency number and report it.  I've made a beware sign up to put in the mailbox alcove and will alert the townhome manager as well.
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9711.0

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline MyBrainIsBroken

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Re: Only Time Will Tell
« Reply #134 on: February 16, 2018, 04:37:24 PM »
I think I gained a couple of pounds reading about your cookies. I love peanut butter! They sound delicious!

Sorry to hear about S17's backpack. People who steal disgust me. Now I'm going to be annoyed for a while.  >:(

I'm glad you made it into the house safely. Might be a good idea to carry a can of pepper spray with you. Stay safe!

Online MCSINME

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Re: Only Time Will Tell
« Reply #135 on: February 16, 2018, 09:21:36 PM »
FW:
So sorry to hear about S17s backpack.  I hate it when people don't respect other people's property...

Sounds like you had a nice service-oriented VD between spending time with your LBS friend and buying her dinner and making cookies for church group.  They sound yummy BTW. 

Hope your days continue to improve.
Hugs
MCS
M56
H57 - Live-in MLC
Met 1984
Married 1990
MLC Began after major move 12/2016
BD#1 EA 5/17 Found by accident, denial, lying
BD#2 EA/PA 11/17 Found by accident, still Denial and lying.  Currently at least one ow (39)

S16, S19, S22

"but those who have hope in the LORD will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint"  Isiah 40:31

Offline FaithWalkerTopic starter

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Re: Only Time Will Tell
« Reply #136 on: February 17, 2018, 10:16:19 AM »
Thank you Brain and MCS.

I spoke with an officer this morning and we made a report.  He is going to have a patrol car do more drive-by's in our area after dark.  I called my friend who dropped me off and she said didn't leave until I was safely inside, even backing up on the side of the street to see me the whole time.  She could not recall where the man went when he passed me, but from her vantage point, he didn't raise any alarms in her head, so maybe I was just being paranoid.  Still, pepper spray might be a good idea, Brain.
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9711.0

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline FaithWalkerTopic starter

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Re: Only Time Will Tell
« Reply #137 on: February 17, 2018, 10:41:28 AM »
In other news, I wanted to post this for some of the newbies who read my thread.  I saved it from last March as I really liked it.  I'm not sure who originally posted it, and where it came from as there are some references to a different website, but I feel that it is worth sharing.

Quote
Maybe your spouse is gone physically.  Maybe your spouse is gone emotionally.  It doesn't matter, you fight for your marriage the same way.
This comes from someone fighting on the front lines now.

Here are 17 Ways to Stand for Your Marriage even When Your Spouse is Gone

1.  It doesn't always take two to save a marriage.
One may be out the door into the arms of another.  It doesn't mean the end.  Focus on you.  Change you.  Get your groove back.
Work on your PIES (improving Physically, Intellectually, Emotionally, Spiritually).

2.  Understand that feeling's are fickle.
He/she says he/she doesn't love you anymore (or loves you but isn't in love with you.)  Just because he/she says that now, that doesn't mean it will remain the same.  Stand anyway and see #1.

3.  You cannot control ANYONE but you.  He/she will make his/her own decisions, and there is nothing you can do to stop it.  No amount of manipulation will stop it.  Work on YOU.  See #1.

4.  You WILL get through this.
If you are a Christian, lean into Jesus and allow Him to sustain you.

5.  Divorce doesn't necessarily mean the end.
There are many restoration stories that confirm this.  If a divorce happens and you know you are meant to keep standing, then keep standing.

6.  Get legal advice.
It does not mean you have to file, it does not mean it will end in divorce.  It's wise to seek help in protecting you and any children.

7.  Read, read, read the articles at MarriageHelper.com/articles/.
Listen to the podcasts on MarriageRadio.com.  Get as much knowledge as possible on what is happening and why.

8.  Recognize that your emotions are real and legitimate.
Recognize that acting out of these emotions could very well be a death sentence for your marriage.  It's HARD, but making decisions above your emotions is paramount.  You might not be able to control what you feel, but you CAN control how to not let them rule you.

9.  Be thankful.
There is always something to be thankful about, even in the midst of horrible circumstances.  Being thankful changes your perspective and your mindset.  Wallowing in despair won't solve anything (I say this in love and understanding because I know how gut wrenchingly awful this is.)

10.  Do not allow your spouse's actions and words to determine your stance.  The wayward spouse is in a "fog" of sorts and most likely doesn't even know what he/she wants.
We don't know (and cannot judge) the heart, so it's best to find your strength in God and keep on keeping on, no matter what the other does.

11.  Time, time, time, time, time.
Let me say it again:  TIME.
The victory will not be won in our time frame.  And when it doesn't happen as quickly as you'd like, do not give up.
You will grow weary, you will want to give up, you will get hurt, you will want to walk away from it all from time to time.
Don't.
Let God do what He needs to do in him/her and more importantly, in YOU.  This journey isn't easy, but God will sustain you if you keep looking to Him.

12.  Feed your soul and spirit.
Find things that make you happy and DO THEM (exercising wisdom of course - do NOT go looking for another relationship, it will only complicate things significantly).
You can't use the Word as a weapon of warfare (and this is a SPIRITUAL battle remember) if you don't know it.  Feed your spirit with the Word, with good teaching, with good books, with worship music.  Even when you don't feel like it.  Allow it build your faith.

13.  Choose your counsel wisely.
Most will NOT understand your stand.  Most will (in love) try to dissuade you.  You may lose friends or family over it.
Find those who are trustworthy that will stand and pray and believe with you.
Don't "poison the well".  Yes, he/she is doing the wrong thing and hurting you. Be the bigger person and don't blab about it to everyone.
It may push your spouse further away and prevent his/her return.  It's not worth it.  Vent to God, write a journal, post in Marriage Helper's private Facebook group filled with people standing for their marriages.  See #13 (FW's side note:  Here is a great place to vent!)

15.  You can do this and your stand is WORTH IT.
Even if he/she doesn't come back, you will grow.  There are things you can only learn in the hard seasons.  In the end, no matter what, you will be in a much better place in yourself if you do the right things.  See #1.

16.  Think about what you're thinking about.
Are you dwelling on the negative, the lies of the enemy?  Or on the positive, on Truth?  You cannot dwell on negativity and have a positive life.  The battlefield is in the mind.  See #12.

17.  Don't try to read into your spouse's actions.
There is no logic.  You will drive yourself crazy over analyzing.  Worry about you.  See #1.

Pretty powerful, huh?
The author of this list didn't come up with this by herself, sitting alone in her house one day.  She came to understand these 17 principles by surrounding herself with people that encourage her to stand for her marriage and by investing herself (with finances and with time) in learning the best things that she could do to save her marriage.
That's the importance of community.
That's the community we provide at Marriage Helper. (FW's side note:  Here too!)
So, if your spouse is completely done with your marriage, don't do this alone.
Don't even attempt to.  Join a community of people that will support you.
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9711.0

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Online MCSINME

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Re: Only Time Will Tell
« Reply #138 on: February 17, 2018, 11:15:37 AM »
FW. That was a great refresher course and WILL be great for any newbie that pops by. Thanks!
M56
H57 - Live-in MLC
Met 1984
Married 1990
MLC Began after major move 12/2016
BD#1 EA 5/17 Found by accident, denial, lying
BD#2 EA/PA 11/17 Found by accident, still Denial and lying.  Currently at least one ow (39)

S16, S19, S22

"but those who have hope in the LORD will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint"  Isiah 40:31

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: Only Time Will Tell
« Reply #139 on: February 17, 2018, 01:10:12 PM »
Great reminder post.  :)


 

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