Author Topic: My Story Thread 25 - The beginning of the end?  (Read 1507 times)

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Offline Puzzled

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My Story Re: Thread 25 - The beginning of the end?
« Reply #100 on: February 13, 2018, 03:16:01 PM »
Hi UM,

I'm sorry that your W is bent on divorce, thinking that it will make her happy and healthy and is best for all of you.  It doesn't get into my head that when you experienced major negative events in your childhood and are aware of how bad they were (as your W seems to be -- she confronted her dad on his death bed), you would still repeat these actions as if you are somewhat compelled to do so.  My H is on that track, too, but he cannot even admit to himself that some of his parents' behavior was not ok.  I thought that there would be a difference in the decisions people make depending on awareness.  But, I guess, when MLC hits, reason goes out the door along with loving feelings towards one's spouse.

Hugs,
Puzzled
Me: 46 (43 at BD1)
H: 52 (48 at BD1)
D: 9 (6 at BD1)
Met in 1995, married since 2000
BD 1: August 2014
BD 2: October 2015, moved abroad

Online bipolared

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Re: Thread 25 - The beginning of the end?
« Reply #101 on: February 13, 2018, 03:39:00 PM »
I totally agree with Thunder's take on standing.  I don't want to date but I don't fault anyone else for doing so-I would urge caution in doing it before you are ready.  You are smart and very aware, so I am sure if you feel like doing it it will be the right time.

I"m very sorry she seems like she is going to do this; it is enormously frustrating to see them so clearly miserable but they insist on carrying through.  ((hugs))
I'm not looking for my other half because I'm not half a person.

Offline bookwrmmom

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Re: Thread 25 - The beginning of the end?
« Reply #102 on: February 13, 2018, 03:58:12 PM »
Quote
If I am honest, I have no hope that she will come through this in any real way. She would have to want to change things within herself and she thinks she has already done everything she needs to do... <Queue Victim Mode here>  So anything that happens that is unpleasant must be someone else's fault, not hers.

One other thing that has been rattling around in my head is the whole "Dealing with Midlife Crisis and Infidelity when you don't want a divorce." thing..... OK, no, I don't want one... I am, however, getting one, whether I want it or not. Where does that leave me? Hanging around in the off chance she gets her head out of her fog? Uhmmmmmmm .... Seems like a waste of what I have for a life remaining to me....

That doesn't mean that I am going on a hunt by any means but I am not about to sit at home crocheting lace doilies waiting for an event that may or may not EVER occur.....

What happens then if she surprises me and actually DOES do the work she has to do? Therein lies the risk that the Mid-Lifer is forced to accept... I'm not trying to be arrogant but the odds are that, by that time, I may not be available anymore.... Then what? If I have found a R that is fulfilling and happy, I am thinking that I am not about to throw away something that is good for something that MIGHT be possible (Rule Number 1 - NEVER touch a running functional system....) .... Since I can not yet read the future, who knows what will happen when if ever. We just have to go on about living our lives... Remember"? "Live as if they are NOT coming back!"  There is a reason for that as the overwhelming majority of them won't be coming back. This is a fact..... Living as if they are not coming back means being open to a new R maybe or at least to a new life, one in which the Mid-Lifer may not even play a small role..... It means embracing change and growth, not remaining in place and stuck doing what we are doing for ever and ever, ad nauseum....."

UM there is SO much I want to say here, but the first is I am sorry. I know you don't want this, and I feel you as of course I have been there.........but then after time I wasn't. I guess what I mean to say is the fear of the divorce, and not wanting it became "He did me the biggest favor ever." Of cause it takes time and healing to get to that's point, but get there I did. That doesn't take away the crushing pain and devastation that I went through at all. It doesn't take away the disappointment that what I invested 17 years of love, devotion, work, and LIFE just didn't mean a d@mn to him for a while.
What I will say is that about a year after the divorce I was told by exH "I miss my best friend, I miss us." However he didn't miss us enough to makes things right with S26. So I had to let him know that there would never be a time that I chose HIM over the young man who protected me from his and FIL's BS and insanity. I knew his pride would not allow him to do that, so it came as no surprise to me. I know from things he has said that he has plenty of regrets, as he should.
So I guess I say all that to say that your W's epiphany will probably come sooner rather then later if it comes.
All you said above I agree with completely. I also hope I am not out of place or mean to say that I hope and PRAY that you find in time the awesome love and companionship you deserve. One that shows you kids what a healthy relationship looks like, because that will help them in their future. You my friend deserve SO much more then the BS you have been getting for a while now. We all do.
There is no explaining the unexplainable, so if someone asks you why you are divorced......just tell them the truth as you said above. "The divorce had nothing to do with my marriage or me, but everything to do with the path my exW chose for HER life. That path didn't include our marriage."
Men/dads like you are few but very special. I am dating a man much like you now. He has focused on his D9 and finishing raising his oldest 2 kids (27 & 24) in the 7 years since his wife cheated and left. She was not a MLCer, just someone who has never been faithful to any relationship. He didn't date in all that time, and I am his first venture into something serious. I hope for you it isn't 7 years, but everyone heals at a different pace.
Take care big Bear, I have a feeling when it is all said and done (in time) you will be thankful she chose to set you free.
M-44 at BD (now 47)
H-47 at BD (now 49)
Tog-16 1/2 yrs
M-16yrs
Kids- S23, S24, D18 at BD
BD-2/15/2014
Left-2/17/2014
OW1-fantasy ended in less then a year
OW2- briefly dated-she said he was not a happy enough person
OW3-post divorce so not really OW, he is a free agent now
Divorce-10/5/2015
Giving up does not always mean that you are weak; sometimes it means you are strong enough to let go.

Online stillbaffled

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Re: Thread 25 - The beginning of the end?
« Reply #103 on: February 13, 2018, 07:11:16 PM »
Just sending support and a cyber hug. 

After all, tomorrow is another day.

Offline UrsaMajorTopic starter

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Re: Thread 25 - The beginning of the end?
« Reply #104 on: February 14, 2018, 01:23:14 AM »
I have written 2 different replies so far, only to have them disappear into the Ether... A sign maybe? 3rd time is a charm....


First, the whole question is really more of a philosophical one at the moment rather than literal... It's not like there are sharks in the water around me circling and smelling fresh blood <snort>.. There is nothing to make a decision about at all anyway at the moment... Really, just more musings...

I can tell that the whole scenario has made more of an impact though on me that I had realized. We had our first Pre-Launch Simulation yesterday where no failures were simulated so completely nominal and I made 2 VERY stupid Rookie mistakes... Once forgetting a step in a procedure and once doing it wrong... OK, the 2nd one was a bit odd as the Human-Machine Interface (the screen design) has changed significantly and the new design was using black text on a dark grey background....  ::) I have NO idea WHOSE Brain-child THAT was but the combination is horrible, especially when one is trying to do operations quickly and is used to certain visual cues... I had a problem with dry eyes yesterday as it was and between the low-contrast scheme and the drops and dry eyes, I didn't recognize the difference between KR14 and AK14 in a block of text (I know this means nothing to someone not in the specific environment but it means I was looking at a ground station station in Sweden instead of the one in Alaska... )

As far as really "dating" someone?


I guess, where I am in my musings is that we stand until we don't anymore. What triggers that change is different for each of us and for some, that means that they choose to remain alone for the remainder of their time here on earth. If that is what their faith and beliefs tell them is the right thing for them to do, then more power to them.  I will be honest. I am NOT one of them. I am not interested in dating at all and not looking for anyone but if someone WERE to cross my path and things worked out, then so be it. Whether that is with STBX or not, no one can tell since none of us can read the future. I can tell you AT THIS MOMENT IN TIME, that it would not happen but that is because I am looking at the here and now - the fact that she has serious FOO poo going on and has done absolutely ZERO to come to terms with it and learn new ways of dealing with things...

So, on to a few individual comments....

@HelpingMe - Nope. Sitting around and waiting is called "Stuck." Stuck means missing out on a lot of joy and love int eh world... Life is too short to be stuck...
@Mitz - Good Grief, no it didn't come across as preachy at all. Every one of us has a different set of values and outlooks... No worries
@CGS -
Quote
I think the one thing I am trying to take from all of this that is happening is - standing or not- be open to the possibilities - for everything - including W - if she did the work
Your mouth to God's ear... Exactly....
@Anjae - Day by Day... Spot on. NOT going to make any decisions about anything in a rush... Respond rather than react...
@CLG -
Quote
That’s what this is about, not meeting someone new, this is about me living a happy life, and not waiting for a Mid-Lifer who may never change. No regrets taking 4 years to get to this place, wouldn’t change my journey.
Changed H to Mid-Lifer and that IS the crux of the matter...
@Puzzled - You'd sure think so, wouldn't you.... I guess if one refuses to see the parallels, one has to relive them...
@BookWorm - Your answer to the potential question is very good - Just the facts ma'am, just the facts....
@SB - thanks  :)

==========================Guess what happened on the way to the Met vent for the day ====================

Shrove Tuesday is Pancake Supper Day in my Parish so when I finally got out of the Sim, and had picked up the kids, off we went.... Don't know if I have already mentioned this but I have booked the kids and my summer holiday - we're heading back to the North Sea Island of Föhr for 2 weeks.... Last night on the way home, S pipes up and says that W told them that the can't go to Bali for htier holiday because I booked the trip the way I did and they woudl have to leave the day before we got back from Föhr....



I told him that I had no idea that she had planned or was planning and had booked our holiday according to the dates she had sent me..... This morning we had a short text chat where I told her what S had said and she confirmed but tried waffling out ... That didn't work with me and I told her that I did not appreciate being made responsible for something that she didn't tell me about and over which I had no influence. It turns out that she only had the dates of the possible trip, and was waiting on information about the price which came much later and was "way too expensive." I replied that didn't matter as the kids were not happy because they understood that it was only because of the date we return and that I was not OK with being made responsible for something which I had no information and if she would have SAID something (that was the problem with our M from the start anyway - no deviation from pattern), we could have worked something out. Bottom line is that she said she will explain it to them  ::) I told the kids this morning that she and I had had the discussion and that other factors were the ones that made her decision but that we had talked about it... so at least the kids know that we discussed it...
Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 10
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer is initiating D

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Treasur

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Re: Thread 25 - The beginning of the end?
« Reply #105 on: February 14, 2018, 01:35:56 AM »
Love the expression 'FOO poo', new favourite for me UM from your many wonderful phrases  ;D
BD Oct 15,
OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17.
I hit my 'Meh' Done Line 5th Feb 18

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
Grace is...elegance, unearned blessings, a prayer of thanks.
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Whyus

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Re: Thread 25 - The beginning of the end?
« Reply #106 on: February 14, 2018, 01:59:46 AM »
So Ws planned Holiday is too expensive in the time where she has the Kids!!! OK, I understand but she should have thought of that earlier.... Blaming you for it is so typically MLC, sickening...

Föhr, that must be an 8 hour drive for you guys!!! never been but sounds cool UM
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 44
W: 44
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28. Trainings partner. Still together
2 Sons - 18 & 19
2 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Filed
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0
T10. http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9547.0

Offline UrsaMajorTopic starter

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Re: Thread 25 - The beginning of the end?
« Reply #107 on: February 14, 2018, 02:27:03 AM »
Föhr, that must be an 8 hour drive for you guys!!! never been but sounds cool UM

It's about 7 hours to Dagebüll where the Ferry docks and then 35 minutes across to Wyk. We have a reservation for the Ferry at 07:30 so I'll bundle the kids and dog into the car around 21:00 and then make the jaunt north. That gives me plenty of buffer, I won't have to push the speed at all, and, if it is like last time we were there, if I am early, and there is space, we can cross earlier....

I like Föhr because it is much more laid back and quiet than Sylt... less "touristy" for one thing.... I already have the house rented and the ferry booked so it is just a matter of paying for it and then packing and going... We'll load up the bikes too so we'll have the chance to leave the car at the house as much as possible...

UM
Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 10
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer is initiating D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Whyus

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Re: Thread 25 - The beginning of the end?
« Reply #108 on: February 14, 2018, 02:32:50 AM »
Sounds like a plan UM. I too tend to drive through the night to avoid the traffic.
Im looking at  a new mountain Bike later after work. Its a bargain and from €1300 to €900. Cant wait to get back on the saddle, great Trails around here.
I love it and about 500 caleries for an hours riding isnt too bad either.... better than hitting the Gym anyday.
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 44
W: 44
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28. Trainings partner. Still together
2 Sons - 18 & 19
2 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Filed
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0
T10. http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9547.0

Online Thunder

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Re: Thread 25 - The beginning of the end?
« Reply #109 on: February 14, 2018, 05:59:08 AM »
Hi UM.

I think the impact of something like this is much bigger than we realize sometimes.
In your case it just seemed to come out of no where.  Kind of a shock, really.  Our bodies react to that shock.

I'm sure you will get back to normal pretty quickly.   :)
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.


 

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