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Author Topic: My Story Thread 25 - The beginning of the end?  (Read 2087 times)

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Offline Thunder

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My Story Re: Thread 25 - The beginning of the end?
« Reply #90 on: February 13, 2018, 07:18:13 AM »
Well like Old Pilot always reminds us, standing is not still.

I believe a person can stand but still live their life.
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline Treasur

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Re: Thread 25 - The beginning of the end?
« Reply #91 on: February 13, 2018, 07:37:23 AM »
When divorce is forced on you, UM, I guess each of us makes our own decision about what standing means and if we want to do that. As I said on my own thread, much as my heart wishes it were different, I can't stand because I can't see anything left to stand for. And as Helping and WhyUs say, there is an inherent half-expectation in standing (in my mind anyway) and it just doesn't seem a healthy choice for me. But I wish I felt I had a different one.
BD Oct 15,
OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17.
I hit my 'Meh' Done Line 5th Feb 18

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
Grace is...elegance, unearned blessings, a prayer of thanks.
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline UrsaMajorTopic starter

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Re: Thread 25 - The beginning of the end?
« Reply #92 on: February 13, 2018, 08:47:39 AM »
Well like Old Pilot always reminds us, standing is not still.

I believe a person can stand but still live their life.

And THIS is exactly where the conundrum comes.... This would seem to mean that one lives their life as long as it doesn't include another R..... What if someone comes along? Do we say "No, I will not take the chance?" and instead choose to forego that when we really have no idea if our Mid-Lifer will ever come out of the fog? 

It really boils down to what one defines as "living their life" and what one defines as "Standing"
Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 10
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer is initiating D

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online KeepItTogether

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Re: Thread 25 - The beginning of the end?
« Reply #93 on: February 13, 2018, 09:24:33 AM »
UM I think there are definitely shades of grey in standing. Especially when there is a D. I know you said that was your personal boundary, as to your R being completely over. But, what if years down the road she does the work? Yes live your life open to possibilities for sure. But W might be a possibility too. At some point. You just never know.  Hugs friend
Me 46
H 45
S11
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo.

Offline Mitzpah

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Re: Thread 25 - The beginning of the end?
« Reply #94 on: February 13, 2018, 09:28:26 AM »


It really boils down to what one defines as "living their life" and what one defines as "Standing"

Uhum  :)

I believe that one can stand and live their life...

p.s.: please do not take this as any kind of self righteous judgement - that is so NOT me - it is JMHO. I believe our Lord has a plan for each and every one of us.
« Last Edit: February 13, 2018, 09:37:46 AM by Mitzpah »
M 56
H 56
S 26
S 24
D 23
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Offline Thunder

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Re: Thread 25 - The beginning of the end?
« Reply #95 on: February 13, 2018, 09:28:55 AM »
Very true, UM.

I guess maybe there is a difference between standing while married or standing after a divorce.

I think either way the LBS has every right to see someone else, but that depends on the person entirely.
If it makes you feel bad, then don't do it.  If you're ok with it then go for it.

If your spouse has already filed for a D, you can be 95% sure it's going to go through.
After my H filed for his D I wouldn't have felt guilty one bit if I dated someone.  He was, after all, throwing our marriage away and not changing his mind anytime soon.
If he ever changed his mind, he knew where to find me.

I never faulted a LBS for dating.  I only worried they weren't ready yet.  Been there, done that.  ::)

But that's just me.   ;D
With her permission, a quote from a recovered MLCer: 
From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did.

Offline cowgirlslayer

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Re: Thread 25 - The beginning of the end?
« Reply #96 on: February 13, 2018, 10:29:15 AM »
I think the one thing I am trying to take from all of this that is happening us - standing or not- be open to the possibilities - for everything - including W - if she did the work.

Thant doesn't mean wait around. Live your life, love your kids and see what the future holds.

You will have great things because you deserve it!

M-48
H-42
D-12
Married 18 years - together 20
BD - 7/17
ILYBINILWY - 7/17
Asked for Divorce - 9/17
Sold home and moved out  - 1/18

Offline Anjae

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Re: Thread 25 - The beginning of the end?
« Reply #97 on: February 13, 2018, 10:46:25 AM »
I guess maybe there is a difference between standing while married or standing after a divorce.

I think it depends. Being legally married for years on end and no longer having any connection to the MLCer is pretty much like divorced.

I feel no guilt for have had a boyfriend and dated. And if someone else that I like comes along, I will not say no.

Of course it is possible to stand and live ones life without another person/relationship if that is what we decide to do. But many of us will date, or even start a serious relationship with someone else.

It is a personal preference.

Realistically, most marriage will not survive a spouse MLC. Maybe, many years down the road some couple will get back together, but I think most people will lead a new life, alone or with someone else. 

Ursa, for now, you don't need to decide anything. One day at a time, remember? Go with the flow.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Tyks

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Re: Thread 25 - The beginning of the end?
« Reply #98 on: February 13, 2018, 11:15:46 AM »
UM, I agree with anjae. You dont have to decide anything right now. Live your life and if someone else happpens to come along you will know what to do. How you feel at that time will determine whether or not you will be ready to date!
Me 48
Him 48
22 years together - Married 20
BD1 - August 26, 2016 - ILYBINILWY
BD 2 - August 28, 2016 - OW discovered EA - Kicked him out
D15 D18
April 2017 - Legal Separation Agreement
August 2017 - I filed for divorce
Divorce final February 12 2018

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8823.0

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9005.0

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9120.0

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9279.0

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9649.msg635725#msg635725

Online CanLetGo

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Re: Thread 25 - The beginning of the end?
« Reply #99 on: February 13, 2018, 11:28:39 AM »
Agree with post #85 too. I rarely update my own thread, and not trying to takeover your thread, but D is my line in the sand. Affair entering 5th year also another line. My H hasn’t filed, but I know he is serious when he says he will, I think he just doesn’t know how to, and think he is trying to hide some money in his business before he does - he’s getting his ducks in a row first.

Anyway, point is I made a conscientious decision New Years enough is enough - I need to try much harder to be postive, and more self-aware. Finally dropped the rope. I went to a meetup, met an amazing lady to go out with, we have planned concerts, dinners etc...my friends are all married so not available to me for things like that on weekends etc (well, they can be but I don’t monopolise their time too much, they need to nurture their own R’s). Anyway, as I’m going out, I am meeting men - this is a byproduct of my friendship, not my intention. It is fun, and maybe I am rebuilding my confidence again slowly. Had a coffee a coffee with a man, both know as friends. Declined a date with a man that I knew was a bit naughty. And now, have a date with a man this Friday night, who is just lovely. Sorry for the thread takeover, not trying to be about me, just want to say how my change of mindset is going - even before the ‘dates’ occurred, people are noticing a major change in my mood/outlook. That’s what this is about, not meeting someone new, this is about me living a happy life, and not waiting for a H who may never change. No regrets taking 4 years to get to this place, wouldn’t change my journey.

Thinking of you Ursa at this stage of your journey, another stage we wouldn’t have chosen to be at.
Me 44
H 47
3 young adult kids
BD December 2013, left home August 2014
OW 17 years younger


 

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