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Author Topic: Discussion Anyone else have a vanisher? 14  (Read 1462 times)

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Offline living with Hope

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Discussion Re: Anyone else have a vanisher? 14
« Reply #60 on: February 12, 2018, 11:23:34 AM »
I call mine a "vanisher" right now.

If my one child did not see him once a month, we would have no clue if he is alive or dead other than for the depositing of funds in the joint bank account.

He has no contact with me at all.    I am dead to him.    If his OW didn't have social media that she posts constantly on, I would have no idea what he looks like.  My children mock her posts when they  look at them.  They mock him for how he dresses and acts now based on what they see since they don't really know him anymore ( 2 have not had anything to do with him in a long long time based on their own boundaries)

Maybe if he ever was alone again, he would change  his methods.  Right now, I think he needs me dead.  He did this one other time to please the last OW and to I think make it easier to hate me.  To believe his lies he tells himself about us/me.

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Offline Rising Phoenix

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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher? 14
« Reply #61 on: February 12, 2018, 11:41:15 AM »
H has finally after 3 yrs introduced ow to his family. My sister bumped in my bil today and he confirmed has met her once. Apparently h believes he is not married and has no family. Bil states h is not interested in his kids and is an a**$ hole. Bil thinks ow is a man with t**ts!  And he hopes I can be happy as I deserve more than a low life a**$ hole xx
Me 50
H50
Married 20yrs
Together 29yr
BD 20/10/2014
Left first 12/12/2014
10 come backs and leaves again for same ow
Last left 7.03.17.
Ow 16 yrs younger, no children never been married. co worker. EA turned to PA and lives with ow
Divorce bomb drop by him 31/8/17 by solicitor letter after being caught by ow at lunch with me 3 wk earlier.
Crazy divorce started by him.
Currently NC instigated by him as ow has balls in a vice!

Offline Snowdrop

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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher? 14
« Reply #62 on: February 12, 2018, 08:30:55 PM »
I think we have one. :-\

Left right at BD 5 1/2 years ago and hasn't been back since except a couple of visits soon after to pick up some of his "stuff" which didn't amount to much, and then gone - leaving 99% of his things at home.  One day he was giving us the best days for him to be off work so we could book our family vacation, and within a week was packing up his truck and carrying out boxes, leaving our home for good - ending all communications.

Less than two hours spent with the kids in over 5 years who were in elementary school when he left. :'( >:( 

Met OW and moved thousands of miles to live with her... his "soul mate" as he told the kids and I :o ::) ;) ;D.  New life, nobody to question who he is or about the family he abandoned and left behind.

Our very own Forrest Gump....Run Forrest Run ;D



Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning.

Albert Einstein

Online Treasur

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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher? 14
« Reply #63 on: February 12, 2018, 08:35:51 PM »
Good Lord, Snowdrop - how incredibly hard for your kids. I can't imagine. How are they now? Are you divorced? It's a pretty clear sign that this just isn't about you or a normal marriage breakdown isn't it, to abandon your kids like that.
BD Oct 15,
OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17.
I hit my 'Meh' Done Line 5th Feb 18

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Grace is...elegance, unearned blessings, a prayer of thanks.
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline living with Hope

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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher? 14
« Reply #64 on: February 12, 2018, 10:16:59 PM »
Snowdrop,
I would say he is one! 
Wow. I feel for you and for your kids.

I don't understand how one just leaves with very little and just steps into a new life?  I still have all of my Husband's stuff here.  He came one time after conning the one child into letting him have a key while we were out of town. He managed to take some books and a few token things that I had given him for his office. Why do they not want their stuff? 

Honestly, If I didn't live this every day and come on here to read, I would think this was one fantastic tale of lies.  Like seriously who lives this way? 2 hours with your children in over 5 years.?  Wow.

I just said today to someone, if I was such a horrible, evil person, why did he leave his children with me 24/7.  You had the same experience. 
Kudos to you.
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Offline Snowdrop

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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher? 14
« Reply #65 on: February 13, 2018, 06:31:31 PM »
Treasur, LWH

Agreed, it isn't about us.

Tough at the beginning as it is for all of us but over time I think him being gone helped with our healing and detachment.  There was no way but up for the kids and I, so after the usual LBS confusion of it all and pain, we were forced to make a new life without him - no choice but to go forward.  Amazing what no money in the bank and no support can do.  It was a new lease on life in a way for me and I was no longer the stay home mom as I had been for all those years.  I/we are very determined and independent so we forged ahead.

H can never undo what damage he has caused regarding the kids but hopefully they turn out as well as can be expected under the circumstances.  They are good kids, and fortunately but unfortunately, saw their father's behaviour firsthand (even at BD) so there is no explaining to them the unexplainable.  Regardless though they were little children abandoned by the father they adored and the dad who was hands on and would drive hundreds of miles home from work just to spend a weekend with us then drive back.  Very odd but so odd it makes it easier to see it wasn't us.

S did track H down via H's brother via Fbook (s created an account just for that reason) as he wanted his dad to see what kind of man he was becoming (how heartbreaking is that).  They facetimed and it was a sad event.  H didn't have a clue about anything and started the conversation with his S after 5 years not seeing him with some random sentence regarding an upcoming doctors visit for H :o ::)!!  H spoke as if the kids were still the same ages and in early grades.  Not a clue and no sense of doing anything wrong and life goes on as normal.  No remorse, nothing, in fact gloating about his new life and how S should go and live with H and OW.....WTF!!!!!!!!!!!  Then how great S's "step-mom" is and how she loves him (S)....again WTF!!!

As expected H's brother commented to S that he was "glad he came around" regarding S contacting his father.  Says it all and shows how H has been telling lies to back up his story, which he had to.  That same brother hasn't once contacted us since H left nor did he when he was here, just like the rest of his family.  Even when he lived here if his mother called (only when she wanted something) and the kids answered she would say, "I want to speak to H"....there we go right there, that's his family so no surprises really.

As for leaving his things I think that is quite common, correct me if I'm wrong, and many MLCers do the same.  He rooted through things in the garage and picked up random things to take with him.  It was comical.  Sad part was S and D running after him for a crumb of conversation as he went back and forth from the garage to his truck.  So sad, so very sad that he became that person.  A man who always put his family first to that.  The change was so extreme that over time it was so much easier to stand back and realize in this state he couldn't live with us anyway.

I explained to the kids that at this point in time OW was a better match for him because it wouldn't work if he lived with us, and she must be very much like him which is why he likes her.  They seemed to "accept" that although still so much pain, that was their dad.

Overall, we took on "live like he is never coming back", and it really did help.  Now we are light years ahead and in fact would never go back to what we had. 

He has done some really nasty stuff since he went ie calling to get gas cut off and other things to squeeze us out of our home but it has backfired on him as I went back to school and got a job and although I have to work like crazy and don't do much else, I manage to pay the bills...barely.  My kids still come first and always have and I always thought that making sure they have a home and a safe place to grieve is paramount, regardless of what H wants.  They are my priority and always have been, always will.

That's my two pence, for what it is worth. 

I am thankful in so many ways that he is a vanisher as it leaves you no choice but to acknowledge the loss, grieve it, and move forward.  Like taking off a Bandaid quickly.  Things still have to be sorted with him down the road as he refused to cooperate with lawyers.  I leave things alone at the moment for a sense of peace and to let S finish school.  In time we will have to poke the wasps nest.

I'm not sure how H feels.  Not sure if he is running scared or just waiting.  Running away to another country and not paying child support for years isn't in his favour.  Maybe he needs reminding that we can have his passport and driver's license cancelled in a heartbeat and his picture up on the government website for being behind in support payments.  We have done none of that.  We need peace for now.

I hardly think about him anymore.  I don't keep up with my thread as there is nothing to report.  As well I found that while I loved coming onto the site and it was so helpful and an amazing safe place with good friends and lots of laughs and tears, I then noticed it was a bit of an addiction and while I came on daily it was making it all too current so I decided to walk away to help with my healing, and it did.  I still come and read from time to time and make the odd comment. There are some threads I would never take part in, but there we go, what a difference a day makes.

Hugs to us all, we are amazing and strong and capable of dealing with everything the comes our way.  I am a true believer in that relationships are a choice and I don't want anyone with me who doesn't want to be with me.  As for H he is his own person and can do as he pleases, I don't own him, but I do wish he had left under different circumstances and that he had maintained a relationship with the kids when they were young.  Another indication that he most probably is in MLC as there is no explanation for his behaviour.  Whatever he was experiencing was far greater than any rational reason to stay with his family and I feel it must have been something quite powerful in order to be okay with everything that he created and all the chaos caused.  That being said I think/know we are done.  I loved the man I was with and don't regret any of it, but the man he is now is not the kind of man I would choose to be with.

Oh well.......
« Last Edit: February 13, 2018, 06:33:58 PM by Snowdrop »
Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning.

Albert Einstein

Online stillbaffled

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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher? 14
« Reply #66 on: February 13, 2018, 06:40:00 PM »
Snowdrop,

Thank you for taking the time to share with us.  What a journey you and the kids have been on.  What progress you've made and continue to make.  May your path always hold good things for you and your children. 
After all, tomorrow is another day.

Offline Treasure

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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher? 14
« Reply #67 on: February 14, 2018, 03:45:10 AM »
Attaching x

Offline Snowdrop

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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher? 14
« Reply #68 on: February 15, 2018, 04:54:28 PM »
Quote
May your path always hold good things for you and your children.
Thank you SB, very nice to say.

I think the same for all of us, and no what matter what we had before or for how long, or which way the MLC went after BD, I think we have all experienced such pain.  This journey really does make you feel at first like you are going mad and question our own sanity doesn't it, but thank goodness for this site and the support.

Clinger, Boomerang, Vanisher, whatever they may be, doesn't change the chaos and hurt.  For me I am thankful in some ways for a vanisher as it helps in healing, although there will come a day when we have to communicate and I am not looking forward to it, but don't think about it either - it will all work out as it should.  Then again I do remember thinking after talking with H since BD that I seemed more in fear of my own thoughts and irrational "what ifs" than I did after having an actual conversation (if you could ever call it that) with him, and how I had nothing to worry about as something is very much off.  Then again throw an OW in the mix and who knows what you get.  I figure at this point after......let me figure this out......5 years together with OW they are either a total disaster together or thick as thieves.  I'm sure she will stick around until any property sells.  (That's enough of my energy spent on her for the day ;) even though I understand she only knows what H has told her).

At first I used to read threads and longed for H to be someone who hadn't left so we could see him.  I then realized it wouldn't have gone well. My heart breaks while I am also amazed at any LBS dealing with their MLC spouse on a daily/regular basic.  I give them so much credit and feel they are the true troopers of this awful experience we have been handed to deal with.

Sometimes I stop and think of the family just about to experience BD or the kids who have no idea about what's heading their way, or the spouse it is happening to as I type.  I wish I could tell them that it really is going to be okay and you might feel there is no hope, but there is and life can be good on the other side...you just have to wade through the hurt to get there.

Hugs to all.
« Last Edit: February 15, 2018, 05:03:49 PM by Snowdrop »
Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning.

Albert Einstein

Online Shocked

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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher? 14
« Reply #69 on: February 15, 2018, 08:48:03 PM »
Sorry I hadn’t seen #14 started! To IF who asked if being in daily friendly contact was a good move. I think that makes you still feel involved with your H. And I hope you’ll guard your heart on having expectations of this will make him want to come back. Only time will do that. I would think your friendly conversation let’s him feel less guilty. So I am with the cake eating crowd on this. You are not responsible for anyone else R including your children with their F. You just need to work on your own R with them but no matter how much we try to protect the children get hurt too. I hope you’ll think about giving your kindness to your self.
I have not seen or spoke to my xH in a year and half.  There was one text in May at my D graduation. I call mine a vanisher by he wants to vanish from our lives. Not based on how much contact he gives.
I think the  isolation feeling is a result of their vanishing is why we struggle with healing so much. There was no true closure no good reason no empathy to us. It was cruel and shattering from someone we thought loved us and would protect us. I am NC to protect myself from being tossed morsels of attention to make the MLC feel better. I don’t want to walk on eggshells with him. It doesn’t appear being nice is what the MLCer is drawn too. Almost the contrary they want an edgy life to make themselves feel younger and more important.
I am on this valuable thread bc I would not be nearly as far along in my recovery without learning from each other!!!! I have consequences every day as a result of his MLC. Sadly my reality is there will be many more days if it!i think the most important thing we need to do on this thread is help each other learn more and more coping skills to help our painful feelings to vanish!!!!
I care🤗
H 51
W 58
M 22 Years
2 AD both married from my first M
BD 12/15 moved out-in replay, vanisher, MOW in Atlanta
D 2/17


 

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