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Author Topic: My Story All that I seek is already within me  (Read 653 times)

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Offline No expectationsTopic starter

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My Story All that I seek is already within me
« on: February 10, 2018, 05:56:54 PM »
Time for a new thread. 

Me: BD was September 2016.  H moved out October 2016.  I live with my M, who has severe pain and mobility issues, but is very much alert and alive.  I work full time, and take care of her when I'm home.  Since BD, I've been on a journey of self discovery.

H: Started a EA, that turned physical, with a very young co-worker.  To the best of my knowledge, it has been over for about a year.  He is a major wallower.  Severe FOO issues.  He has been trying to work through his issues by attending ACA meetings and IC sessions. 

What's new:  Not a whole lot.  MLC moves at the speed of a slug that is frozen.  Still, he does communicate with me, in his own way.  I feel that I have it better than most here, so for that, I am grateful.

I am making every effort to be the best version of ME that I can.  This is a true journey of self discovery.  Before BD, I would have told you without a doubt that my H was my BFF.  We had so much fun together.  I would rather have been with him doing nothing than be anywhere else.  And I know he felt that too.  But something changed, something shattered.  And I didn't only lose my H, I lost my BFF.  I really didn't even have anyone I felt comfortable going to with my pain.  He was the one I would turn to.  The ultimate betrayal.

But again, something changed.  I had to face life alone.  I had to take care of my Mom, had to help her through surgery.  Had to find my own way, to get up each morning and hold my head high.  I started going to IC for myself.  That helped.  Talking with my younger son helped too.  He is wise beyond his years.  I started finding myself again.  One step, one day, sometimes one moment, at a time.

I still have a long way to go, but I am now excited about my journey.  I have done things that I would never have done before.  I am becoming more comfortable in my own skin, my own company.  I still miss H, but I know, if we do ever reconcile, he will never define me again.  I will define myself.  I like the person I am working towards becoming.  The person that isn't ashamed, isn't afraid, can do what she wants, but still has compassion for others.  The person that can nurture herself. 

Yes, all that I seek is truly already within me.  I read that quote from Louise Hay, and it resonated with me.  I don't need to look outside for my joy, my happiness.  I will find it within.

Thank you all for continuing with me on this journey of self discovery.

Previous thread: http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9707.150
« Last Edit: February 12, 2018, 10:24:08 AM by OldPilot »
Married 10 1/2 years, together 17.  BD 9/2016, 2nd BD 10/16.  H moved out 10/16.  2 AS's from my first M.  Me 55, H 49.  OW 23.

"And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through; how you managed to survive.  You won't even be sure if the storm is really over.  But one thing is certain; when you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person that walked in...that's what this storm is all about."

"The trick is to enjoy life.  Don't wish away your days, waiting for better ones."

Online stillbaffled

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Re: All that I seek is already within me
« Reply #1 on: February 10, 2018, 06:13:21 PM »
Welcome to your new thread, NoEx.

Count on me to continue with you.  Our journeys are unique yet so many of us share so many similarities.  You are a gem, my friend! 
After all, tomorrow is another day.

Online Never say never

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Re: All that I seek is already within me
« Reply #2 on: February 10, 2018, 08:29:05 PM »
Following along, NoEx, with your newfound hobbies, tattoos, and everything else that comes along with it!!!

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: All that I seek is already within me
« Reply #3 on: February 10, 2018, 08:33:49 PM »
Coming along NoEx.
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline Mae

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Re: All that I seek is already within me
« Reply #4 on: February 10, 2018, 09:07:11 PM »
Love the title Noex, so true.
Me: 49
H: 40
S18, D15
Together for 19 years
BDay in 2004, 2011 and now March 5 2017
Ran away on 5 March BD
No OW
Returned home 'underdone' 1 July 2017.
Left again 22 October 2017.
H - Medicated & Zombie Like is NC

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: All that I seek is already within me
« Reply #5 on: February 10, 2018, 11:04:30 PM »
Great title, NoEx.  Following along on your journey.
M-39
H-42
S-17
D-15
S-12
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9711.0

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline Rosetintedglasses

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Re: All that I seek is already within me
« Reply #6 on: February 11, 2018, 01:53:20 AM »
Following along NoEx

Rose 🌹
Me-46
H-46
S-13
D-11
Married 1999
BD1 - Oct 2016
BD2 - May 2017
ILYBINILWY - June 2017
Physical affair with MOW Sept 2016-Jan 2017
Emotional affair with same MOW from Jan 2017 until now - due to geography!
Tried to work through it living as a family and not telling anyone! Not easy with a lying cheating monster, he left Oct 2017 to stay with his parents and 'isn't putting a time limit on it'

Offline Rising Phoenix

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Re: All that I seek is already within me
« Reply #7 on: February 11, 2018, 02:05:35 AM »
Following no ex x
Me 50
H50
Married 20yrs
Together 29yr
BD 20/10/2014
Left first 12/12/2014
10 come backs and leaves again for same ow
Last left 7.03.17.
Ow 16 yrs younger, no children never been married. co worker. EA turned to PA and lives with ow
Divorce bomb drop by him 31/8/17 by solicitor letter after being caught by ow at lunch with me 3 wk earlier.
Crazy divorce started by him.
Currently NC instigated by him as ow has balls in a vice!

Offline No expectationsTopic starter

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Re: All that I seek is already within me
« Reply #8 on: February 11, 2018, 05:02:03 AM »
Thanks so much for coming along, SB, Never, DF, Mae, Faith, Rose, Rising.  Where would we be without each other?

Last night, I was about to go to sleep when Mom got me up at midnight.  She wasn't urinating much at all because she wasn't drinking water, so yesterday I had her drink a LOT of water.  I am hoping that some of her pain will subside if she is properly hydrated.  But the double edged sword, I had to help her get on a fresh diaper at midnight.  Again at 2.  And again at 6.  Be careful what you wish for haha.  At least I know she's not getting dehydrated  :)

This morning, I'm going to head to my boxing gym.  My favorite trainer has an 8:45 class.  Maybe I'll see Watcher there haha.  After that, I'll play today by ear.  My main priority is taking care of Mom.  And of course all those pesky chores.  I may try to sneak out to the grocery store later.  Got laundry to do.  I may try to see what I can do to redecorate a bit in here, but I'm not going to put any pressure on for that.  Only if I feel up for it.  A nap may very possibly be in my future.

Just for today, I am enough.  I am strong.  I am resilient.  I can do this, and I will!

Happy Sunday Funday, my cyber buddies!
Married 10 1/2 years, together 17.  BD 9/2016, 2nd BD 10/16.  H moved out 10/16.  2 AS's from my first M.  Me 55, H 49.  OW 23.

"And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through; how you managed to survive.  You won't even be sure if the storm is really over.  But one thing is certain; when you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person that walked in...that's what this storm is all about."

"The trick is to enjoy life.  Don't wish away your days, waiting for better ones."

Offline Milly

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Re: All that I seek is already within me
« Reply #9 on: February 11, 2018, 05:09:39 AM »
Noe, I'm here too, wouldn't miss your new thread. I love everything you said about becoming the best version of yourself you can be and not letting your H define you if he ever comes back. I'm starting to think these things, too. It really does take time to reach this understanding. I guess that's why it's called the gift of time.

Your Sunday sounds like it's full of possibilities, redecorating, laundry, grocery shopping, all quite cosy.
I hope your Mum sleeps all the way through tonight.
Milly
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D23, D20, S13
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.


 

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