Author Topic: My Story All that I seek is already within me  (Read 652 times)

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Offline moc

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My Story Re: All that I seek is already within me
« Reply #20 on: February 11, 2018, 09:39:34 PM »
NoEx: you are an inspiration to me from your lines:

I am making every effort to be the best version of ME that I can.  This is a true journey of self discovery.  Before BD, I would have told you without a doubt that my H was my BFF.  We had so much fun together.  I would rather have been with him doing nothing than be anywhere else.  And I know he felt that too.  But something changed, something shattered.  And I didn't only lose my H, I lost my BFF.  I really didn't even have anyone I felt comfortable going to with my pain.  He was the one I would turn to.  The ultimate betrayal.


I am struggling with this but I am a newbie again.  My wife was my BFF.  She knew all about me and I about her.  I lost my confidant, my BFF also.  I also do not have any mentor friends or others I truly can rely on to be there for me.  Thank  you for your wonderful words.  I feel that it is the ultimate betrayal also.  You are doing so well.  I look forward to reading more of your journey.
M: 47
W: 45
S15 & S11 [from MLCer1]
BD#1: 9/2017
BD#2: 11/2017
no D filed, not seeking action at this time
Separated: 12/2017
OM: EAs up to at least 5 now.  Not sure on PAs.

Online Treasur

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Re: All that I seek is already within me
« Reply #21 on: February 12, 2018, 04:21:09 AM »
MLC moves at the speed of a slug that is frozen. 

I would rather have been with him doing nothing than be anywhere else.  And I know he felt that too.  But something changed, something shattered.  And I didn't only lose my H, I lost my BFF. 

Love the visual of a frozen slug...will keep that in my head when/if I hear from STBXH  ;D

Gosh, yes. Losing my best friend has been much, much harder than losing a H. Quite bewildering for that mutual enjoyment and admiration to be suddenly turned into hatred, anger and suspicion irrespective of what we do. And the sadness of accepting that it has broken something rare that can't be unbroken. Wise honest words, Noex
BD Oct 15,
OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17.
I hit my 'Meh' Done Line 5th Feb 18

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
Grace is...elegance, unearned blessings, a prayer of thanks.
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Acorn

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Re: All that I seek is already within me
« Reply #22 on: February 12, 2018, 05:20:20 AM »
Dear NoEx, I’m so sorry to hear that your mom is experiencing excruciating pain...  There has to be some way she can get help.  This is unacceptable in this day and age where many solutions are available.  Watching someone suffer is another level of pain all together and I feel for you.  I sincerely hope she can get the help she desperately needs.

(((((((HUGS)))))))) for you and your mom.
Feb 2015: H has a Nuclear meltdown.  A tear-fest.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Still home

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: All that I seek is already within me
« Reply #23 on: February 12, 2018, 05:46:13 AM »
Attaching 22 posts in
Me - 54
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 10
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer is initiating D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline heroIam

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Re: All that I seek is already within me
« Reply #24 on: February 12, 2018, 06:53:55 AM »
Attaching NoEx!
Love your title. 

Here's another good one!  "What are you are looking for, is where you are looking from"    :)



 
“In the end, you’ve got to be your own hero because everyone’s busy trying to save themselves.”

Online KeepItTogether

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Re: All that I seek is already within me
« Reply #25 on: February 12, 2018, 10:21:27 AM »
Your post reminds me of a quote: "You never know how strong you are until being strong is your only choice". 
I am following along too.


Kintsugi this is my new fav quote!

NoEx I’m so sorry to hear about your moms pain. I do hope you can find a nurse Practitioner or someone similar who can come see her.

Our MLC timelines are about the same. My Hs ea became a pa too. Not sure if she’s still around but definitely having a massive pity party at present. You definitely inspire me NoEx with your positive attitude and zest for life! Love the softball playing. You go girl.
Me 46
H 45
S11
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo.

Offline Kanvan

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Re: All that I seek is already within me
« Reply #26 on: February 12, 2018, 01:57:27 PM »
Following along Noex!
Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. Hebrews 11:1

You'll search for me inside of everyone you're with and I won't be found." R.H. Sin.

M-48
H-46
S27,S21, S16
Married 12/10/1994
23 years of marriage
BD- June 22, 2017 Moved in with OW-June 24th, 2017
Standing for my marriage

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: All that I seek is already within me
« Reply #27 on: February 12, 2018, 02:50:26 PM »
Sorry your mother is experiencing such pain noex, Rheumatoid Arthritis is cruel.

Your H sounds like he is coming along nicely.  Getting teary during the movie is a good thing, at least he actually feels something these days.

"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8451.80 (Denjef's thread)

Offline No expectationsTopic starter

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Re: All that I seek is already within me
« Reply #28 on: February 12, 2018, 06:09:16 PM »
Thanks again CLG!  Hi MOC, Treasur, Acorn, Ursa, Hero, KIT, Kanvan, Savvy!

Thank you all for coming along.  Acorn, KIT, Savvy, thank you so much for your thoughts for my Mom.  She literally cries, and says she wishes she could die.  It is beyond heartbreaking.  The good news is, I did make some small progress today.  I was able to get her scheduled for an intake assessment at her primary care doctors' office for medical marijuana.  I don't know much about it, it is very new here in Florida, and I don't know if she can find relief with it, but at least we can try.  I don't know if she'll even be able to get to the appointment as she has such a hard time getting out of bed to even use the commode.  But one day at a time. 

And, big thank you to CLG, I was able to get an appointment scheduled with the home visit Nurse Practitioner on Thursday, which is also my day off.  I am more hopeful for that, as Mom doesn't have to go anywhere, and they can see her in her real pain to assess the situation.  Again, I don't know if any of this will help, but at least I feel more hopeful than I did before.

Savvy,  H does appear to be moving slightly faster than the frozen slug I mentioned, lol.  But I have finally figured out that I need to keep my focus squarely on me, so I am not making any bets about him and his activity... 

KIT, yes, we have such similar timelines.  And I understand so well about the pity parties.  It's a shame they aren't real parties, we'd be the "hostesses with the mostesses" by now lol.  But I also know you will pick yourself back up after your pity party and get right back on track.  When I look back on where we (class of 16) was a year ago, I am amazed by the strength we've all shown.  Quite an accomplishment for us  ;)

Hero, as always, I love your quote.  You always find and share such great words of wisdom!  Thank you!

MOC and Treasur,  isn't it amazing how many of us feel the loss of our best friend.  I wonder if that's part of the "script" that seems to be written throughout this MLC/LBS saga?

So, other than setting up those appointments for Mom, not a lot to report today.  Which is good.  I don't really need drama to report every day haha.  But I did find an article that really resonated with me, I thought I'd share it with you:

Cultivating Inner Clarity

BY MADISYN TAYLOR
When the world is in chaos, we can still have our own inner peace and maintain a sense of calm in a sea of unrest.

People who maintain their sense of calm when things around them are in a state of flux and confusion are always wonderful to be around. We feel calmer just being near them, as if they have activated our own sense of inner peace. From them we learn that we can be calm, even when everything around us is in turmoil, because we know that no matter what happens, this inner sense of calm will help us to function well. Often, times of confusion are the times that enable us to find that part of ourselves that knows how to cope, and how to be a light to others in the storm.

If we allow ourselves to be thrown off balance by every piece of disturbing news that comes our way, we may be relying too much on our emotions. On the other hand, our thoughts may also be unreliable at times like these, as they chatter on endlessly about what might happen next. If our feelings and thoughts activate one another in a hectic way, then we become caught up in the confusion that surrounds us. However, if we can locate the stillness at the center of our hearts, we can find composure in almost any situation. In addition, we provide a safe place for our friends and family, who are also prone to taking on the confusion of a world in flux.

It helps to remember that we don't need to completely understand what's happening right now, nor do we need to be able to predict the future. Most of us just want to find our way to being at peace with whatever happens, and we can find this peace inside. Cultivating our inner clarity with meditation, journaling, and reading words that inspire us, will lead us to that place inside us that's already there, just waiting.

I am really working on cultivating my inner clarity.  It is one of those things I seek, that is already within.  I just need to continue working on really mastering the art of owning my thoughts.  I am a work in progress  ;)
Married 10 1/2 years, together 17.  BD 9/2016, 2nd BD 10/16.  H moved out 10/16.  2 AS's from my first M.  Me 55, H 49.  OW 23.

"And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through; how you managed to survive.  You won't even be sure if the storm is really over.  But one thing is certain; when you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person that walked in...that's what this storm is all about."

"The trick is to enjoy life.  Don't wish away your days, waiting for better ones."

Offline No expectationsTopic starter

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Re: All that I seek is already within me
« Reply #29 on: February 13, 2018, 06:44:31 PM »
So, I admit.  I see my H on Facebook.  We are still FB friends.  For the most part, that has not been an issue.  However, he has a new FB "friend" the last month or so.  I just have my spidey senses tingling about her.  I can't tell you exactly why, except I have no mutual friends w her beside my H.  Most of the people he knows, I also know, and we have many mutual friends.  This one is different. 

I am thinking he must have met her through a dating website.  She likes so many of his posts, for no reason.  I think there must be something going on. 

I am pondering.  Do I ask him, if he considers us "exclusive"?  I don't think I want to.  Do I assume he is still seeing other people?  If so, what does that mean to me?  Do I try to let this potential OW know that she is getting involved with a married man? 

I really just want to withdraw from the whole situation and write it off as more MLC craziness.  But I'd be lying if I said it doesn't take head space....
Married 10 1/2 years, together 17.  BD 9/2016, 2nd BD 10/16.  H moved out 10/16.  2 AS's from my first M.  Me 55, H 49.  OW 23.

"And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through; how you managed to survive.  You won't even be sure if the storm is really over.  But one thing is certain; when you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person that walked in...that's what this storm is all about."

"The trick is to enjoy life.  Don't wish away your days, waiting for better ones."


 

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