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Author Topic: My Story I've never been one to walk alone, I've always been scared to try.  (Read 907 times)

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Offline KittyTopic starter

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My Story Re: I've never been one to walk alone, I've always been scared to try.
« Reply #10 on: February 12, 2018, 06:57:49 PM »
Thanks No expectations, I've done a bit of wallowing myself recently, now I seem to be cycling up. It is a difficult balancing act, helping and detaching especially when he wants to be my BFF. ::). He even offered to help me book tickets and take me to the airport when I told him about it.

My aunt and uncle live in Dover, which is 30 minutes east of Tampa on I4.
Me 37; H 41
Together 20 years; married 11.5
No kids, no pets
MLC started 2015(??)
1st. BD 12/3/17 - H wants separation
12/21/17 - Separation agreement signed
2nd. BD 12/22/17 - I find out about affair after H told me there was no OW
12/22/17 - I moved out

"Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It's the only way for you to become what you are meant to be." Kylo Ren - Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Offline bipolared

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Re: I've never been one to walk alone, I've always been scared to try.
« Reply #11 on: February 12, 2018, 07:56:17 PM »
Welcome to your new thread!

Ohhh, I used to daydream about saying the things in parentheses.  It's all about them, 24/7.  The only time my could show any empathy was after a year or so of OW3's antics, which really only pissed me off.  Imagine comparing our long marriage and the pain of our children with his "relationship" with a barfly!

I'm so glad you are getting a vacation!
I'm not looking for my other half because I'm not half a person.

Offline KittyTopic starter

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Re: I've never been one to walk alone, I've always been scared to try.
« Reply #12 on: February 13, 2018, 06:26:51 AM »
Thanks BP! He seems to like my concern and empathy, and lets not forget friendship  ::).

Surprisingly I never felt the urge to blurt anything out, I just thought it. I've gotten used to him complaining over the last couple months.

I'm so glad my H doesn't compare our R and M to what he has/had with OW. I don't know if I could talk to him while he was doing that. It's bad enough knowing that he still wants to be friends with her also. I'm not sure if it's because she whined like the b*tc# she is and sent him messages about how he was "breaking the heart of the only person who could make him truly happy" when he was talking about pulling back last month or what. I just know that his mantra now a days is "I don't want any conflict".

On a positive note I just booked my vacation!!

No expectations - I looked up your location last night, it's a little over three hours to get to West Palm Beach from where I'll be staying.  :( I won't be getting a rental vehicle because my aunt had mentioned maybe going camping, if that's the case we're either camping at Disney, or going to Fort Desoto State Park, which is even farther away.
Me 37; H 41
Together 20 years; married 11.5
No kids, no pets
MLC started 2015(??)
1st. BD 12/3/17 - H wants separation
12/21/17 - Separation agreement signed
2nd. BD 12/22/17 - I find out about affair after H told me there was no OW
12/22/17 - I moved out

"Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It's the only way for you to become what you are meant to be." Kylo Ren - Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Offline sampsed

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Re: I've never been one to walk alone, I've always been scared to try.
« Reply #13 on: February 13, 2018, 08:09:16 AM »
Good for you for planning your trip!  Hope you have a great time!

Ever read back over your story and see how much stronger you are now compared to the beginning?  Quite impressive!
BD 10 29 2017  Moved out same day to be with OW
BY 1966
H BY 1966
Married 32 years
Together 34.5 year
D - 1989 Married with 2 children, living locally
S -  1991 Professional School living across Country  - Still relies on us for support
3 Dogs - 1 was his baby that he left behind
Standing
No legal action yet

Offline KittyTopic starter

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Re: I've never been one to walk alone, I've always been scared to try.
« Reply #14 on: February 13, 2018, 11:15:49 AM »
Thanks sampsed! I think it's because I've been journaling/venting here that has helped so much. If I don't bottle it, it doesn't become toxic.

On that note...here is some journaling. ;D

So I got a nice little surprise today. H called last night and asked if I could meet him for lunch today, he said he had got our Niece and Nephew, who are Tampa Bay Lightning fans, team shirts while he was in Florida. He said he wanted to meet for lunch to give them to me.

He called me during my break this morning to figure out where we were going to meet. During the call he said he was out and about and that he had something for me. I thought he meant the shirts, so I just said "yeah, I know". When we met up for lunch he gave me the shirts and a dozen chocolate covered strawberries for a Valentine's Gift.  :o

Never in 20 years has he gotten me a Valentine's gift. We were never much for Valentine's Day so it never mattered to me. He said he heard the advertisement on the radio this morning and decided to get some for me and his mom. I almost asked if he got any for the OW but stopped myself. I'm getting better at that, go me!

We went in had lunch and talked pretty much the whole time, he told me about his trip, I told him what was going on with me. He told me that he had a job offer from his works main branch, and he seriously considered it, but in the end he decided not to take it because he would have had to move to Denver. He said he wanted to disconnect from things, but not that much.

He told me how him and his dad had a good talk last night about how H is still doing things so he won't hurt others. He didn't elaborate too much on what he meant. So I decided to push just a tiny bit. I said to him: "If you are still calling and visiting with me because you're afraid to hurt me, don't. I don't want you to feel like you HAVE to. You don't need that kind of pressure right now. The most important thing for you to do right now is take care of yourself. I'm doing fine." He told me that he did want to keep in contact with me. He said that I'm the only one who knows everything, I'm the only one he's comfortable with, and he said that he thinks cutting contact with me would make things worse for him.

Before we left he gave me a hug. He told me he understood my reasoning for setting the boundary limiting physical contact, but he really wanted to give me one before I left. Baby steps...
Me 37; H 41
Together 20 years; married 11.5
No kids, no pets
MLC started 2015(??)
1st. BD 12/3/17 - H wants separation
12/21/17 - Separation agreement signed
2nd. BD 12/22/17 - I find out about affair after H told me there was no OW
12/22/17 - I moved out

"Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It's the only way for you to become what you are meant to be." Kylo Ren - Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Online MCSINME

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Re: I've never been one to walk alone, I've always been scared to try.
« Reply #15 on: February 13, 2018, 02:17:50 PM »
Kitty:  You are so amazingly strong and you seem to be doing so well in self-introspection and being content with yourself.  Very good detaching skills - please send some my way!

Question on physical boundary-- what were your motivations to do that?  I'm just trying to get my head streat about boundaries and I know they're to help me only.

Keep posting!  Your journaling is great to read.

MCS
M56
H57 - Live-in MLC
Met 1984
Married 1990
MLC Began after major move 12/2016
BD#1 EA 5/17 Found by accident, denial, lying
BD#2 EA/PA 11/17 Found by accident, still Denial and lying.  Currently at least one ow (39)

S16, S19, S22

"but those who have hope in the LORD will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint"  Isiah 40:31

Offline bipolared

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Re: I've never been one to walk alone, I've always been scared to try.
« Reply #16 on: February 13, 2018, 02:31:02 PM »
I was a little surprised earlier when you mentioned he had gotten your niece and nephew gifts;  they can be so self-involved its hard to imagine them thinking of someone else.  Also very nice of him to get you something.  Enjoy the nice things but keep your expectations low-although I have to agree with others, you seem to be very grounded!
I'm not looking for my other half because I'm not half a person.

Offline KittyTopic starter

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Re: I've never been one to walk alone, I've always been scared to try.
« Reply #17 on: February 13, 2018, 06:54:53 PM »
BP - He surprised me with the gifts too. I think when I went off on him a couple weeks ago over the messenger I may have gotten a truth dart to stick. I said to him "You must really love your ready made family, I mean you spent almost $1,000.00 on them for Xmas. I'm sure you put a lot of thought and consideration into their gifts too. Meanwhile you gave me a $200.00 limit to spend on our Nieces and Nephews, and I couldn't even get you to help me look at gifts let alone buy them."

He told me he got me the strawberries for Valentine's Day as a way to work on himself too. Before BD when he finally started talking to me about things, he said he regrets not giving me gifts more often, and not really being a husband for me sometimes. When I told him I felt bad about not getting him anything he said watching me smile when I opened my gift was enough for him.

I think I am getting more grounded and I am detaching better because I have decided to let go of the rope. I've come to accept over the last couple days that my marriage as it was is over. I've also come to accept that H and I may never reconcile. We both still have a ways to go before we will be ready to have any kind of R talks. He may decide that he doesn't want to continue with me, I may decide I don't want to continue with him. It's too soon to know so I'm going to take things one day at a time and appreciate the little things he does for me without expectations.

I saved a picture someone put on Facebook on my phone and I like to look at it occasionally, it says:
To be happy in 2018 you must:
Let go of what's gone,
Be greatful for what remains,
And, look forward to what is on the way.

So I'm going to let go of what our marriage was, because even if we reconnect/reconcile it won't be the same again.

I'm going to be happy that even though it's only in a friendly capacity, that H is still in my life and that things didn't get ugly between us, and maybe keep a small speck of hope alive that we might mend things between us.

And I'm going to look forward to taking this year to learning, and loving who I am. To finding my truth and what it means to me.

I will no longer snoop, I will no longer mention my OW except on here when need be. I WILL detach completely. I WILL live my life as if H isn't coming back.
Me 37; H 41
Together 20 years; married 11.5
No kids, no pets
MLC started 2015(??)
1st. BD 12/3/17 - H wants separation
12/21/17 - Separation agreement signed
2nd. BD 12/22/17 - I find out about affair after H told me there was no OW
12/22/17 - I moved out

"Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It's the only way for you to become what you are meant to be." Kylo Ren - Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Offline KittyTopic starter

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Re: I've never been one to walk alone, I've always been scared to try.
« Reply #18 on: February 13, 2018, 07:10:14 PM »
Question on physical boundary-- what were your motivations to do that?  I'm just trying to get my head streat about boundaries and I know they're to help me only.

MCS - My love language is touch, which I find hilarious sometimes, because I'm not a touchy person by nature. Anytime I was in the same room with H I would find a way to touch him. Even if it was just brushing his hand as I walked by him.

After BD, H would still want to hug me, or hold my hand, or other forms of touching that we use to share. I made the boundary of no physical touching because it was confusing and painful for me that he would continue doing these things after he said he couldn't have a romantic relationship right now. Some people can handle hugs from their MLCer, but I found it difficult after a time to deal with. I also believe it's been a big step in helping me detach from him, to not have that closeness. I let him hug me today because he kind of caught me off guard with the gifts and because I'm kind of touch starved. But I know I need to go back to no physical contact in order to progress with the detachment.

Me 37; H 41
Together 20 years; married 11.5
No kids, no pets
MLC started 2015(??)
1st. BD 12/3/17 - H wants separation
12/21/17 - Separation agreement signed
2nd. BD 12/22/17 - I find out about affair after H told me there was no OW
12/22/17 - I moved out

"Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It's the only way for you to become what you are meant to be." Kylo Ren - Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Offline moc

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Re: I've never been one to walk alone, I've always been scared to try.
« Reply #19 on: February 13, 2018, 11:14:45 PM »
Previous thread: http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9786.0;all

So the titles to this thread and my last are lyrics from the song Maybe by Sick Puppies. I thought it was kind of fitting considering the song is about having the courage to make a change in your life no matter where you're at.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oFhRowkNrTM

I know that I need to change, but I'm still working up the courage to do it.


Welcome to your new thread.  Thanks for the song Kitty, I will add it to my YouTube playlist for Inspiration.  Take care, you sound awesome!  I look forward to your journey as we are close to same BD.  You are an inspiration to newbies.
M: 47
W: 45
S15 & S11 [from MLCer1]
BD#1: 9/2017
BD#2: 11/2017
no D filed, not seeking action at this time
Separated: 12/2017
OM: EAs up to at least 5 now.  Not sure on PAs.


 

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