[Helpingme!]

Shopgirl
Your right, you should live life. You shouldn't have too walk on eggshells making it all comfy for him.
The reality of life is all he needs. Darts will fly.
Just do as you said. Let him see you are living, and happy too. He can join in, live with yall, or sit around on his pitty potty.
This week only happens ince for your D, make the best of it.

[Acorn]

Quote:

It was an amazing feeling to deny the control, deny the FEAR, and let LIFE happen, knowing that I was perfectly fine, the kids were perfectly fine, and that's all that matters. 

Yes, yes, yes!!!  I’m in total agreement with you on this attitude.  Let him prance about on the MLC stage and you get out the theatre pronto and focus on your life.  Pay no mind to what he said and did and certainly don’t read anything into it.  MLCers are fickle.  They change faster than you can say, ‘Boo!’.  To be honest, when I lost the H focus, I could finally start to concentrate on my life.  I could also start to learn more about myself.  No wonder, a person has only so much emotional reservoir to expend! 

Let YOUR life happen, SG. Got a feeling you are well on your way.  Glad for you!

[JoJoJo]

Saturday, he came over for really no reason whatsoever...
He fitted me for a motorcycle helmet... (!!!!!!!!!  not sure what to make of that)

Ok I have to know how you handled this!  I mean is riding on motorcycles an interest of yours?  I know he and your S17 have motorcycles but did he say why he wanted you to get a helmet?


 

He engaged with us, and seemed almost relaxed.  We took a pic of the 4 of us, and he actually looks HAPPY.  Like, happy, happy.   

This is by far the best weekend we have had in over a year.  He can go backwards, I know, so I'm grateful for it and pray that he keeps making positive steps forward.  This weekend felt good. And I wasn't freaking out on the inside. 

Yesterday was the longest amount of time he has spent with us in a LONG time.  He did things around the house, engaged in conversation with all of us, complimented me, and actually laughed and joked around.  It seems too good to be true.  Hugs all around from him.  Both when he arrives, and when he leaves.

He even asked how church was... that is HUGE.  Before MLC, he led so many people to the Lord.  He led Bible studies in peoples homes, baptized people, he was an amazing man of God.  Since MLC, all church attendance is long gone, and he doesn't ask about it.  Until yesterday. 

I don't have any expectations, and I'm not reading into any of it, but this weekend was nice.  And for the most part, my nerves weren't in overdrive.


 This weekend, I realized some things that I should've handled differently throughout this crisis, and some controlling behaviors I displayed while in the turmoil of deep replay, and now I see that not only was it not healthy, but it was unrealistic to think that I could control/fix the entire atmosphere when he was around.

 There were little things this weekend that happened (songs that came on, or something said by the kids) that 6 months ago, I would've turned off, or given them a look to change the subject, because it could possibly make him think of something, trigger something, make him justify his behavior even more, etc., I literally FED MY FEARS.

 BUT I've recently realized that this is LIFE.  This is the real world, and I can't live my life watching and waiting to take control of the situation as soon as I sense something that could be uncomfortable for him, or myself coming up.  And frankly, I don't WANT to live that way. I want my life to be authentic.  I don't want to worry about anyone elses issues, and try to fix them, or worse, try to avoid them having to face them.

I'm working through forgiving myself for these things I've displayed through his crisis.  I'm just astounded at how hyper aware I was of it when put in the situation this weekend.  It was an amazing feeling to deny the control, deny the FEAR, and let LIFE happen, knowing that I was perfectly fine, the kids were perfectly fine, and that's all that matters. 

Lots of positive thoughts for you!  I know how hard all this is!  I just have one thing to say LIFE IS TOUGH, BUT SO ARE YOU!  Love ya girl!

[shopgirl]

Thank you, Helping, Acorn & Jo. 

D18 graduates this weekend.  This week has been packed with ceremonies, parties, prepping, etc.

H came to both the awards ceremony & the baccalaureate.  He had wanted me to tell him what to do, and if he needed to go to both, but I refused to, and basically told him it was entirely up to him.  He has been soft, kind, and was joking around with me during the awards ceremony.  Leaning in towards me the whole time, and for a few moments, I think he "forgot" he was in crisis, and put his arm around my chair.  He cut himself down in a joking manner (something to the effect that he needs to look in the mirror every morning and tell himself that he is "good enough" and "worth something"). 

He has tried a little to "connect" with D18.  He seems to cycle with her too. 

She won lots of awards, and was awarded a scholarship, we didn't know that ahead of time, so it was a happy surprise when they announced it. 

The baccalaureate service had him uncomfortable... I figured it would, it's been a long time since he has been in church, and some of what the various pastors were saying were hitting home.  It was a good service. 

A friend told me that this week would be tough emotionally, that all emotions would rise up to the surface, and they were right.  I have had just about every emotion come up.  I'm not sleeping well at all, and my to-do list is getting longer instead of shorter. 

I had ordered all of the decor for D18's party, and paid extra to expedite shipping- the company promised rush delivery and all was good.  It was all to be delivered yesterday.  Instead, I received a message from the owner asking if the order was supposed to be delivered this week or next... luckily I had made sure that all of our communication was clear in our messages, and they had acknowledged in the previous messages as to when the delivery date was... I clarified everything, they went back through the messages, and refused to overnight the items, instead issuing a refund.  I didn't have time to do anything about it yesterday, as we had D18's best friends graduation to go to, so I'm running into town to try and figure out all new decor quick.  Family is getting here this afternoon from out of state, and I still have groceries to get, and dinner to prepare. 

I say all of that in order to say that I found it interesting and weirdly calming that while my blood pressure started sky rocketing at the thought of starting over from scratch with decor, (and truly, no time to do so), there were lessons I learned thanks to MLC that I was able to tap into and let go of the anxiety and stress I would've normally had.  A lot of it was perspective.  Focusing on what is truly important. Not getting fixated on the details, and reprioritizing. 

It's not a big deal, but it's the first time I've had a real-life "issue" come up that I've seen the changes that I've made in myself put into action. (other than with H and the crisis). 

H has been in contact all week, minus Monday.  I think he was with me so much this past weekend his little mlc heart needed a break.

I feel like there are times when I see H clearly following my lead in actions and in word.  Is that normal?  It's as if he watches me, and if I do something, then he trusts that it's correct, and does it as well.  I know I'm probably not making sense- and I'm so sleep deprived, that I can't think of an example at the moment, but this is something I've picked up on the past few weeks. 

I had myself a little cry this morning, just letting go further of the expectations I've had since becoming a mom of experiencing this time of our lives together and enjoying it.  I've always thought this time of my life would look differently.  It's just accepting more that it is what it is, and being content in it.  I think I got it out of my system.  Time to buck up and get stuff done.  Tomorrow is the big day.  So excited for D18. 

Thankful to have family coming in.  It's been too long since I've seen them.

[shopgirl]

Last week is a blur.  We had all the ceremonies & banquets, etc that usually lead up to graduation.  Friday, my cousin got in from out of state, and even though she was staying at a hotel nearby, H stayed here, I'm sure for appearance sake. 

Saturday morning, before all the hoopla & celebrating & party began, H and I had such a great, intimate talk about his work, the spec house, our finances, etc.  It was good, and made me feel as if he was seeing us as a team (which I've seen more of the past few months on and off).  It felt good, and was a nice way to start the day.

 H was acting "normal" in the fact that he was more than willing to help set up and do a lot of the manual work in getting ready for it, while we cooked, prepped and decorated.  He made sure we were supplied with breakfast.

The morning was fine- him even calling me "babe" once when he asked me to come and do something.  *It was a glance back to what used to be.

But then, as the day went on, and friends and family came, visited, ate, I saw irritation/pressure directed towards me begin to take place.  It was low key- but it was there.  Like a simmering pot of water. (I think having to be around family & friends, some of them knowing what is going on, and he knows they know, was a LOT for him- but he still did WAY better than I thought he would).

After we took pictures (but before the ceremony), there was about an hour to kill, so H had S17 take him to go see the spec house...  my guess was it was an excuse to get away from me, our families & friends because it was getting to be too much. 

During graduation, I could tell the irritation was growing (I use irritation, because I don't know how else to describe it?  Pressure?)  Then, right after the caps were tossed, the confetti was thrown, I sat there, and just took in the moment.  Before I knew it, D18 was walking past me as they were filing out, she looked at me and gave me that look- the one that says "I love you, thank you, etc" without saying a word- I started to tear up and H said "You should've gotten a picture of her, she was right there!"  I told him that I just hadn't expected her to be there, so I wasn't ready, and he replied "Nice one."  I looked at him and before even thinking (at that moment, mlc, and everything else in life was nonexistent so I didn't even think), and said "WOW."  Meaning, he was being ridiculously harsh... his reply: "Well, I only said that to you, because that's what you would've said to me if I did that." 

Just then, the mlc knowledge kicked back in, and I just ignored him, and didn't show up to the argument he was inviting me to.  After that, the irritation towards me grew a little bit more. 

Then when we got home, my family from out of town was there, and he seemed fine and smiling at me, laughing, all of that- engaged in conversation.  He KNOWS how to act in front of other people.  That is what is so confusing.

They left to go back to the hotel, and by that time it was 11:30.  I announced to him and S17 (D18 was at Project Graduation), that I was tired and going to bed.  He left early morning- about 7am I got a text from him.

"Happy Mothers Day! So proud of the mother that you are.  We have great kids and I give you the credit for that.  You've been a wonderful mother.  I hope you realize how much they love you.  You have set a great example for both of them.  You did a great job with D18 graduation."

H *surprisingly* came back around 2pm.  He got me a card, and had texted me early morning to say happy mothers day and said all of this stuff about how great of a mom I am.  I hate it all because all of that is stuff he has said right before he tells me that he doesn't love me like he should and isn't "happy"... it's just a trigger I need to work through and get over.

He came, gave me a card that him and the kids signed (he signed more of that sort of stuff in it), and then he stayed for a couple hours- we sat and all visited while D18 opened all her gifts and cards from graduation, ate, laughed and joked.

 He stayed about 3 hours before going fishing with his dad.  I know it was his dad because he put him on speaker phone while they made the plans... funny- I'm sure it was for my benefit, so I could hear that it was true, and that he was really going with his dad.

last year, he said he went "fishing" the night before mothers day, but I think he went to a hotel with OW.  he came home, got me a card that said nothing but "I love you, Oak" and the OW got the $100 present... I got nothing.

This year, he told me that his gift for me wasn't here yet, but that he got the family season passes to a big amusement park here...

 it's a VERY extravagant gift.  A little over $400.  He has NEVER spent that much on me for Mothers day.  EVER.  Is he making up for last year?  And buying ALL of us season passes?  I promise I'm not being hateful with these questions, they're just things I'm wondering about.  I think it's a good sign he bought us the family passes.


So Friday early evening, we get notice that an offer was made on the spec house.  We have had this home on the market for about a year, without a bite.  It's in a higher price bracket, and those are slow moving around here at the moment.  The offer was solid.  Only $4000 less than what we were asking.  It closes in 60 days.  that will completely pay off ALL of our personal debt.  In 60 days we will officially be DEBT FREE.  This is something that has been weighing us down for a long time.  we have never been in debt, and the stress of it has been keeping us in bondage for way too long.  Not only that, but we have been starting to receive checks in the mail from a place we thought didn't owe us... but they did.  And they are big checks.  HUGE blessings, they have contributed to us getting out of debt as well. 

To say that he is excited is an understatement. He has been making positive steps for the past 3 weeks.  There has been a change little by little in his personality & attitude.   He has been texting me everyday, several times a day, some is family business, but lately, now some of the texting is purely social.  Things he wouldn't have texted me, shared with me or told me about even a month ago.  He is acting as if I'm his best friend.  Joking, talking, teasing, sharing.  He is saying "us" and "we" regularly now in both conversation and texting.  He is looking forward to us going to the lake this summer...

He says the he feels as if weights are literally being lifted off now that the debt is gone.  That he feels he can breathe, and he thanked me for being so diligent for so long in praying for it, and told me that he knows it's definitely all because of God.  He is giving all credit to God, and he is in a really good place right now it seems.  He is finding excuses to text me, and it's purely visible that he feels huge amounts of weight lifted off.

I'd like your take on it. 

*Side note- I'm writing this super quick, as I have much to do for work, but wanted to hurry and update.

[JoJoJo]

Sounds like you are moving in the right direction!  Lots of love and prayers for you guys!

[shopgirl]

It's been a couple months since my last post, and things have changed quite a bit.  I feel the need to give an update- so here goes-

2 MONTHS AGO:

I get a text with song lyrics- this has always been something we have done- send each other songs (especially him to me), that talk about what is on our hearts or remind us of the other person.  This song, it talked about how he let me go without a fight, how he knew I was so lonely with him there, and how he chose not to talk to me.  That if he were to be so lucky to get a second chance, that he would hold on for dear life, and never let go of me, and wouldn't make the same mistakes again...

The next day, he comes to the house for no reason, and hugs me repeatedly, choking back tears, eyes filled with tears, near a breaking point, but not allowing himself to.

I don't hear from him aside from business texts until the next week.  He calls, he is agitated.  Not at me, and not towards me- but I can tell in his voice.  He questions me on what the kids have said about us.  (He told them about his affair on Fathers Day- that day was an epic crazy ride that started out really devastating, but turned into a day of healing and grace).  He hadn't approached the kids to ask if they were okay since that day... (shows you where they are in their mindset- a normal parent wouldn't lower a bomb like that, and not follow through and check up on their kids afterwards).  This was the first time he asked me about it.  Looking back, I'm wondering if he was trying to calculate how he would be received when he came back home.  I took the opportunity to speak LIFE into him.  It's not my job to tell him what the kids are thinking and feeling- if he wants to know, he can ask them.  BUT.  Instead I took the opportunity to tell him that they are ready to have their dad back, ready to have their family put back together, that we are all earnestly praying for him, that we believe he is worthy, he is valued, he is loved by us, and that he is a big asset to our family.  I reminded him of who he is IN Christ. 

*Now, I know that this is a "no-no" with a lot of LBS, and MLC people, but I know my husband, and I know that my approach with him like this does work for HIM.  It's not me manipulating, but I know that he responds well to me speaking life into him.  He has so many lies of the enemy in his head, tormenting him, that it is a salve to his heart.  My approach to him has never failed.  I have seen him gather strength, believing my words of affirmation and love.  I'm not saying everyone should do this, or that I'm right, but in my particular situation, it has proven to help him. 

With that being said- other than family business needing to be communicated, he hardly spoke to me at all for about 5-6 weeks.  Meanwhile, we moved our D18 into her dorm room- at first he questioned if he even needed to go... then he decided to, and only stayed 2 hours.  I could tell he was having a rough time.  Guilt was immense.  Then nothing for over a week. 

TWO WEEKS AGO:

He leaves for a business trip.  I meanwhile went on a trip of my own he knew nothing about.  He asks to come over when he got back, he ends up breaking down, apologizing for everything he has put me through, says that I didn't deserve any of it, that I'm the most spiritual person in his life, that I'm the best person he knows, that he misses me, that he loves me, and he thanked me for continuing to cover him in prayer, and being there for the kids when he wasn't.  He says that everything hit him hard in the face and that his heart is heavy.   He moves back home. 



He has now been home for a little over a week.  The depression I've seen in him for the past 4-5 months is no longer there- he isn't "happy, happy, joy, joy" but the darkness is mostly gone.  He is still withdrawing slightly, in and out at various times throughout the day- but it doesn't last long, then will make sure to reach out and be affectionate to me- hold my hand, hold me, lay his head on my shoulder, cuddle to watch a movie. 

He has opened up to me and confessed some things that he did while in replay.  He has also acknowledged that I have been more patient than anyone should ever have to, and that I deserve answers to the questions I have about the affair, and that I will get those answers, but he is asking for me to patient a little while longer while he is still sorting through everything and figuring it all out, and to wait until he is ready to talk.  I've given my word that I will not pressure him in the least about it. 

Other things he has opened up to me and talked about.  He is reconnecting with S17, but is still shying away from D18- and I know the reasons.  He knows that aside from me, and he knows I'm willing to open my arms to him and welcome him back- he knows the person he has damaged the most aside from me is D18.  And he is fully aware that she is so much like HIM that he knows he has devasted her and I don't know that he is strong enough yet to start trying to mend it.  She is beyond merciful with him, and respectful, but he knows- he just knows.  I don't know how else to explain it without going into a long description. 

We are in no way out of the woods- at this point I don't even know where we are in this whole thing, and more and more, I'm tossing aside the MLC "map" and treating this as a sin issue.  If I had to assign somewhere for him to be put on the "map"- I would say he has broke through the withdrawal, told me that he has chosen his family and marriage, and is still in struggle to make heads and tails of the whats/whys and hows of the mess he has made.  He has a lot of internal healing and dealing to attend to.  I have healing and dealing of my own.  But I know this; he is coming home on time every night.  He is hugging me, kissing me, being loving and affectionate.  He is doing things around the house that my "real" husband did in order to show his love, but during replay did NONE of it.  Changing all the lightbulbs to lightbulbs I would prefer, taking my car to air up the tires because he noticed they were low, and this past weekend, not only did he COOK (we both like to cook), but he GRILLED.  The first time in well over a year.  He used to love grilling and we would at least once a week- this past weekend, he grilled twice, and then again last night. 

There is still MLC residue I see.  I believe that is to be expected.  But it is residue- not active.  I'm hoping that makes sense... It's little "leftovers" I see.  There are times when I see little flashes of anger, not directed towards me, but he may get mad at S17 or something- honestly, not too different from the "real" H... there are times within this past week that I have seen HIM.  The REAL HIM.  For longer periods at a time.  Saturday night was the first time that my "real" H could be seen clearly.  Lasted most of the night. 

Last night he was more irritable, more stand offish, more self seeking, but in saying all of that, was still mindful to show affection and make sure he was reaching towards me.  I have read that this is normal, and after they break withdrawal, they can fluidly change and flow through various stages- I'm finding that to be true. 

There is of course so much more I could write.  But I'll end it here, as this has become a novel.

[Not Applicable]

I feel like there are times when I see H clearly following my lead in actions and in word.  Is that normal?  It's as if he watches me, and if I do something, then he trusts that it's correct, and does it as well.  I know I'm probably not making sense- and I'm so sleep deprived, that I can't think of an example at the moment, but this is something I've picked up on the past few weeks. 

Thanks for sharing your experiences over the past months. It's very useful to read. BTW, you make total sense in your above comments. I have seen that myself. Like there are things I tell my H and then later he repeats them to someone else as if it is his own idea/opinion that he wants them to follow.

[shopgirl]

GiG,

Yep.  That's what my H has done.  They really do start looking to us in order to learn, don't they?

A few other random thoughts:

I think when H gets angry and spouts off at S17, he becomes frightened and tries to lighten the mood.  That's new too.  During replay he couldn't care less to get mad and blow up at whomever without remorse.

There are so many changes, yet, some things are still the same. 

I see the pressure on him when he is feeling the weight of guilt- (which is most of the time). He is in NO WAY wearing a mask and being "happy"... he is quiet, soft, kind, will smile or chuckle or laugh if it's something that strikes him really funny, but other than that- he is still not back to "normal"...  The weight of his sins are apparent.

 I'm light, bubbly and kind & strong to/for him, being a stanchion... but then there are mornings like today, when he leaves for work, I break down and have a good cry.  SO many emotions.  Happy, sad, and everything in between.  Afterwards I was fine- and able to get on with my day, but boy- I saw that tear fest coming and new I had to hold it off till he left for work! 

 

[Not Applicable]

I can't say your H is exactly like mine but reading your posts I get this feeling that they both are in this sort of "mixed" state at the moment. What is so instructive about what you have written in this thread is it is not a matter of going from replay-depression-withdrawal. It's much more a mixed bag. I also found it interesting that your H was really totally negative about you and then suddenly made a turnaround. I had the same. He was ready to throw me out, to divorce me, and then within weeks and then days he just turned it around completely. No remorse yet, but definitely he is in a different phase with a different set of behaviors.